Ultimate Cheat Sheet For Meltdowns: 10 Quick Ideas #603

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2:14Learn more at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum. Enrollment requirements, monthly, and other limits in terms apply. Meltdowns are going to happen and you need a quick fix guide this summer. So this episode is it. Plus, I'm going to give you practical tips to help your sensory kids on today's very action-packed episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. Special shout out to Alex, 12-year-old. He listens to the podcast. He had his mom email us this. My son wants to know why you don't have a coupon code for your programs because he said his cheapskate dad won't buy these unless there's a discount.

2:53And I love that. That sounds like something Casey would have said. And we've never done a coupon code. So I asked him, All right, Alex, how much should we do? And he said 25 % off. So I'm doing this for Alex and his cheapskate dad. So type in dad and you'll get an additional 25 % off the Calm Parenting Bundle summer sales price at CelebrateCalm.com. Now, if I know our kids correctly, Alex will send me a message and want the coupon code to be cheapskate. But I'm in solidarity with the dads out there and prefer the word frugal. So we had 1 ,500 strong-willed kids just like Alex. Kids on the spectrum, kids with PDA, neurodivergent kids in our home over the course of a decade.

3:35So we had plenty of time to practice what to do and what not to do when they got angry, frustrated, and upset. So meltdowns and angry responses are going to happen. They just are. And I want you to have a plan in place because if you keep reacting, it's just going to tear spouses apart and then the kids are going to feel helpless. But it doesn't have to be this way. So let's go through 10 practical ways to stop the emotional fireworks. Number one, do not react. If you react to your child, you have now given your child power over your emotions and your behavior. They are now in control of you because they can push your buttons.

4:19And that creates a lot of instability because they're not supposed to be in control. And if you react by getting upset yourself, you're actually pouring fuel on the fire. So I want you to learn how to control your own reactions and lead confidently so you can send this message to your kids. Hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not. I can help you. See, that will build trust in all men I know. We want respect and your kids will respect you when they know, oh, when things aren't going so well for me and I'm overreacting, well, my dad doesn't, my mom doesn't. See, that will begin to take away a lot of that negative intensity, chaos and tension in your home when you just stop putting out that fire, when you stop reacting and put out that fire.

5:09Number two, you've heard me say this. Do not give eye contact. I know other people advise you to get down, look your kids in the eyes, and reassure them that everything's going to be okay. But that usually backfires with our intense kids. See, when kids get upset, what happens? They'll throw things. They'll say disrespectful things. They immediately know that's wrong. And they get embarrassed. And that's when we get down and look them right in the eyes, reinforcing the shame. And that inflames the situation more. makes them defensive. They often blame, make excuses. So nobody wants to be looked at when they're struggling, whether they're four or 44.

5:47And that really sweet reassuring tone sounds patronizing and like you don't know how to help your intense child. Instead, you know our phrase, motion changes emotion. Hey, I can tell you're frustrated. If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside, play catch. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Hey, if you want to dump the Legos on the floor, I'll help you build a spaceship. Better yet, you go, dump the Legos out, sit on the living room floor, just start building. You will invite your kids to be with you and you're not staring at them while you're building together. One of my favorites, especially as kids get older, hey, you know what, I forgot something in the store.

6:26If you want to meet me in the car in three minutes, we'll drive up there and grab a snack on the way back. Because Casey was always hungry and it was a great bonding tool. Walking, driving next to each other, building with something, coloring. You're present with your child. You haven't sent them away from you. Go to your room. You're present with them, but you're not staring at them. I save my eye contact for when kids make good choices. And then I pair it with short affirming statements of fact. Otherwise, your strong-willed, especially your PDA kids, will reject your praise. Hey, I like how you handled that situation.

7:01Shows me you're growing up. Little fist bump. Hey, notice you walked away instead of hitting when your brother was provoking you. That's really hard to do. Simple statement of fact. Number three, do not try to reason with your child. When you say, use your words, honey, your strong-willed kids are gonna use some words that are really inappropriate. Like, you don't actually want me to use my words right now. It's fruitless. It's also frustrating for your child because you cannot process language when you're upset. But we also don't want to dismiss their concerns because nobody likes it when your spouse says, oh, it's no big deal.

7:39There's no reason to be upset. You're just overreacting, right? We don't like that. That's why I validate with intensity. Oh man, of course you're frustrated. Man, if I were you, man, I'd be upset too. I'd be disappointed. I know some of you do timeouts and there's nothing wrong with timeouts except that they usually don't work, right? Like good luck trying to make a strong-willed child to sit in a chair because sitting and thinking about why you're upset often makes kids more angry. Schools use this all the time and I hate it. Well, student, let's fill out this think sheet and you can think through why you made that choice.

8:18And the child's going to get more angry because you really can't just think through being calm. They mainly just get more angry. Number four, do not talk a lot. Have you ever noticed the more you talk, the more angry your child becomes? That's because when you get flustered, the anxiety and uncertainty in your voice actually makes the situation more unstable. And it feels like you're just piling on. I used to do that all the time with Casey. And he'd be like, dad, I get it. I've got it. Can you please just stop. And I remember thinking, well, if you had got it, you wouldn't keep doing this. And it was this big battle until I finally learned, just shut up.

9:00Right? And I'm not saying that you, I was saying, well, I am, but I was trying to couch that. And I said that to myself and it just worked so much better. I'm also not a big fan of saying, well, let's identify your emotions. Or do you want to talk about your emotions? And here's what your kids are thinking. I already know what my emotions are. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. Why don't you know that? What I really need is someone, preferably my parents, who presumably have encountered this kind of situations dozens of times in their own lives. What I need is that adult to teach me what to do with those emotions.

9:41Not just talk about them, but I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed. How do I handle that? Endless talking doesn't help. Showing them does. Modeling does. If you go through the 30 Days to Calm program, you'll notice the workbook contains opportunities for reflection, but it primarily consists of taking action steps because you're practicing new responses. you're actually practicing new behavior. Number five, do not give consequences while your child is upset. Now, you know, we're not huge fans of consequences. You have to give them to set boundaries, but they're not really effective at changing behavior.

10:21But before you discipline, you have to de-escalate because other times we go, a lot of times we go right to, well, if you don't stop this meltdown right now, you're gonna lose your play date, your driver's license, your video games. Well, now they're going to level 10 because they were already upset about one thing, something that disappointed them, a change in plans. Well, now you've taken away things that they want, but what's left? I may as well burn it to the ground. And that's why I like leading your child to a calm place. I lead them to that. I don't say, you need to calm down. See, once they're calm and I'm calm, well, now we're rational.

10:59Now we can discipline. But you know what's even better than consequences? teaching your child how to handle frustration and disappointment and their anxiety better next time i'd rather do a lot of proactive teaching because that's what discipline means right means to teach than just saying hey you better stop that or else and i've done so many podcasts on showing kids how to handle their disappointment frustration their anxiety Number six, we just mentioned this, lead your child to calm Sit down, lie down, do something goofy Always use an even, non-emotional tone that says Hey, everything's okay, I'm in control of myself I've got this under control, I've seen this before Your world's out of control, mine's not Everybody else is doing drama This is especially in the middle school and teen years If you can become that one person in their life who just doesn't do drama and doesn't add drama to their already drama-filled life.

12:01It is so important and they will respect you and come to you. See, this communicates confidence that you're in control of yourself even though your child isn't. And that's very settling. The sitting down thing, it's simple. I've been doing this for 25 years, longer than that now. And everybody says, oh, that's so simplistic. Yeah, you know why? Because it works. I like simple. Every single human being on the planet in any situation can sit down, but it's hard to remember 10 different calming techniques in the moment. I don't always know what to do, but when I sit down, it changes my tone of voice.

12:41It changes my perspective, and it tends to lead kids to a different place. When we had all those kids at camp in our home, and it was often 10 to 15 neurodivergent kids, strong-willed kids, kids on the spectrum, kids who were adopted, very intense, volatile kids. They were all in our home. Sometimes I just lie down in the middle of the floor and they'd be like, what are you doing? And my response was, well, not reacting to you, but I can tell you're upset. Why don't you lie down and we'll color. I used to color with kids of all ages. Look, it is so grounding to get a crayon or a marker or a colored pencil, whatever it is, anything, and just start coloring.

13:24And so do that with teenagers even. It's really hard to sit and color or draw with a child of any age, including a teenager with attitude, and yell at each other. So sit down, use that even matter-of-fact tone. Number seven, use intensity and give your child a job to do, a mission. You hear this phrase all the time in our audio programs. motion changes emotion movement helps a child process disappointment frustration so get them moving and doing a specific physical activity and you know i like the intensity max i'd be frustrated too if that happened to me you know what i like to do when i get frustrated then you lead your child in intense physical activity or you give your child a challenge hey but you can't climb that i bet you can't spread that heavy mulch bag in the garden dig three holes in the backyard go through your obstacle course.

14:16Physical challenges help work off frustration. Some of you have kids who are climbing. Climbers, so climbing a tree or scaling a rock climbing wall can be incredibly calming. The intensity lets the child know you're taking the situation seriously. Now, the next one is one we often overlook, but Casey found it invaluable as a kid. Want to reduce stress and de-escalate with the kids? Just go outside. Seriously, the fresh air changes moods and leads to better talks. We've been spending so much more time outside since getting that rocking bench for our porch from Wayfair.com. So transform your outdoor space and transform your time together.

14:53Go to Wayfair.com and in one convenient place you'll find everything you need to upgrade your outdoor spaces within your budget and with fast free shipping. I promise you'll have the best talks when you're outside grilling and eating and playing games together. Plus Wayfair can provide seamless assembly and installation for larger outdoor furniture. If you haven't tried Wayfair before, patio season is the time to take advantage of special deals now. Head to wayfair.com slash m slash outdoor right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

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16:20You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM to get 40 % off your first box. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. That's HungryRoot.com slash CALM. code calm to get 40 % off your first box. It's hungaroo.com slash calm, code calm. 102 miles ago, the oil light came on. 100 miles ago, you noticed. Now it's time to head to take five. This oil change, fall in love with your car all over again. In just 10 minutes, your dream technician will check your tire pressure, top off fluids, change your oil, and verify with Carfax exactly what your car really needs.

17:01all while keeping you in the driver's seat. Take five to stay in your car 10-minute oil change. Save up to 30 % on your next oil change to take five. $15 value. Valid to participating locations. Terms and conditions apply. Number eight. Actually, let me address this sensory pressure first because this one also gets overlooked. Many of us have kids who are hyposensitive. Their bodies physically crave pressure. And when they don't get it, they feel dysregulated and even irritable. I was actually just on the phone with Casey. He was driving, and because of a procedure he had, he can't do big hikes with me right now.

17:35And it both physically and mentally really bothers him in a legitimate way. And so we can use this knowledge to our advantage when kids get upset, because sensory pressure can be very settling. That's why martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, wrestling, ice hockey, rock climbing, skiing, shoveling, mulch, doing yard work, it's all really good for our kids. And when parents email and say, oh, our child is being more physically aggressive or really touchy with a sibling, one of my go-to quick fixes is, hey, let's proactively provide a lot of sensory pressure. I love having an obstacle course in your backyard or your basement, especially for little kids and even older kids when they're upset or just early in the morning.

18:21You know, hide their food in that obstacle course, make them crawl, go under things, over things, around things, climb, push, pull. all those things will really help it's also why i don't like telling intense kids well just go punch a pillow it's not satisfying enough to punch feathers as an aside this is why some of your kids prefer to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor or in a closet or between the bed and the wall let them do it pile stuff on them that sensory pressure feels really good i would wake these kids up in the morning with some sensory pressure. Look, hide their breakfast somewhere where they have to forage for it.

19:00If you have sensory kids that are younger and they show up at school without getting exercise in the morning, they may rumble with the other kids in the class. And the teacher's going to naturally say, well, your child is being aggressive. Well, that's just what the outward behavior looks like. But they're just seeking sensory pressure by wrestling with other kids. Look, when we were kids, we engaged in constant horseplay. We played a game called kill the guy with the ball. Threw a football up in the air. One guy caught it. And then four or five of us would just jump on that guy and tackle him.

19:35And then you'd repeat that for hours. So that met those sensory needs. But our kids don't get that as much. So in school, I'm going to have them move heavy books. I'm going to have them do chair push-ups. If you go through the ADHD university program. I go through all of this in great detail. Now some of our kids are hypersensitive so everything feels more intense than them. Sounds that don't bother you can be extremely overwhelming and even painful to your kids. Just remember some kids like brushing their hair teeth. Sometimes when people ask about that I'm like hey check with the sensory issues because sometimes it may even feel painful to them.

20:15That's why a lot of kids they'll get overwhelmed and refuse to go see the upcoming 4th of July fireworks because the sound and light are piercing to them. So always try noise-canceling headphones. By all means, keep earplugs with you wherever you go. Now, when we first began doing this, I noticed this pattern. Teachers were telling parents, hey, your child is distracted, not paying attention in the afternoon. And parents were mentioning, hey, when my child comes home, it's like they head straight for the bathroom. And so I finally pieced this together. You know what we found? It was because many of our kids wouldn't use the bathroom for four reasons.

20:54In some schools, flushing the toilet sounds like a tornado. It's too loud. The bathroom is where kids often get picked on and some of our kids feel vulnerable that way. Some kids have anxiety about peeing around other kids. Plus, kids who struggle with fine motor skills may fumble with buttoning or zipping their pants. So guess what they do? They just hold it all afternoon. So guess what? They didn't have focus issues. They just had to pee. So always look underneath the surface because with our kids, it's often something very small that we're overlooking. And here's another one. Casey was sensitive to smell.

21:34He still smells everything. And that's why I like kids doing homework while you're cooking dinner or with a candle with a nice aroma lit. The aroma, like at a coffee shop, stimulates the olfactory senses and helps people focus. When Casey was little, I'd put a little edge shaving gel right under his nose. It stimulated his olfactory senses and it was a familiar scent. Some of your kids are very sensory with foods and it's going to drive you crazy because they're going to eat the same foods all the time. Just chill with that. Don't create so much drama and tension around eating food. Just model it.

22:08And do look up an occupational therapist. They're always positive, helpful people. They're really good with kids. Very practical strategies. Number nine, be the firefighter who can put out emotional fires in your home. Look, a firefighter doesn't show up at the scene of the fire frustrated and yelling and pouring fuel on the fire. Firefighters have a routine, a plan. Be the firefighter who calmly assesses the situation, bravely stands in the midst of the emotional flames, and puts the fire out. giving your child a specific mission or job to do that he or she is good at doing is helpful this will give them a sense of being in control of something because that's what usually causes meltdowns when we feel like we're not in control so having them count something organized being in charge of a small task meet those sensory needs oh man i forgot i really need help carrying this outside it's heavy you think you're strong enough to move this to carry this to lift this to open this for me.

23:12Our kids love challenges. With older kids, I ask them to do something grown up for you because it makes them feel important, competent. That's a big one. Feeling competent, like I can actually do something, is very calming because we often say, you need to calm down. I don't know how, and apparently you don't know either. But if I can do something and complete a task, that's really helpful. Cooking, mixing ingredients, shoveling mulch or dirt, digging a hole in the yard, carrying heavy objects, crawling under a tight space, all help a child create order in his or her body and brain. So work on that this coming week.

23:52Have a predetermined plan and options when your child does get upset. Oh, I forgot we hid X in the backyard. I love that one. I wanted to see if you could find it. Now they have to use their problem-solving skills. You know what? The broom in the basement broke. You think you could find some duct tape and fix that for me? Number 10, one of my favorite ideas that Casey came up with was have a code word. That way, there's not a lot of talk. When we had all those kids at our house for camps, we had a one-word code word when the sensory seekers got upset. I would say sofa, and their mission was not to calm down.

24:27It was to go in the living room, take the cushions off the sofa, and lie on the hard part of the sofa, because that's what they loved doing. I would walk in, put the cushions on top of them, and I would sit on top of the cushions with appropriate pressure. And it was instantly calming. Three reasons. It was weird, there was no eye contact, and the physical pressure felt good. I would ask your kids to come up with a code word and a calming routine they can own and be in charge of. Here's a little twist on that. A couple emailed this past week and said, We let our two kids listen to some of the audio programs and tell us how they wanted to do things when everyone got tense.

25:07Our son said, when I get upset, I want the word push-ups, but I think dad should lead and start doing 10 push-ups first, and then I'll join him. Now, she said, mom said, my husband didn't like that at first, but now my husband is actually doing push-ups when he is getting frustrated. it. They have a little chart tracking how many push-ups they're doing. My daughter just says Picasso, and that means she wants to color or draw and not be talked to until she invites me to color with her. By the way, I love that you're respecting your kids in that way, right? Because your daughter, your kids tell you very clearly, here's what I want to do.

25:50And then we go in sometimes and we try to fix it and it's like no she's telling you what she needs so kudos to you and the mom said we're not perfect but the programs have been incredibly helpful and the kids like feeling like they have a say in things and i love that i would absolutely let your kids listen to these downloadable programs over the summer while there's no homework stress so you're ready for the new school year and just ask them what do you want to change in this home they have ownership if you do remember to use the code word DAD, not cheapskate, DAD at Celebrate Calm for 25 % off.

26:24If you need additional help or financial help ever, email Casey directly. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Now, if he hasn't had his exercise, he might be irritable toward you. I'm kidding. But much respect to you moms and dads. Love you. Thank you for working so hard to change.