Want A Resilient Child? Back Off (& Shut Up) Part II #509

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2:13And there's a great message from this dad who said, I listened to your podcast on the way home from work. I listened to the back off and shut up one. And I walked in the door. Our son was in all kinds of drama going on. And I looked at my wife and said, is this one of those times where I need to back off and shut up? And she looked at me like now you're getting it right. Like don't escalate things right now. Let's come in, de-escalate and we back off from trying to control his emotions and control ours instead. That is beautiful. And so this couple now has a little code word which I love code words in the home which is Bosu.

2:53Because you know those exercise Bosu balls? Well, Bosu is back off, shut up. and so they don't have to tell each other to shut up anymore. They just said, hey, might be a good time to go work on the BOSU ball. So I want to keep digging into this backing off thing and I have a lot of new comments that have come in from parents in the past couple of days I want to incorporate in this. So that is what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So let me hit on some generic things and I'll get into some very specific examples.

3:26backing off if you have toddlers i want you to know their job is to be curious and explore and make messes and ruin your agenda please chill a little bit with your toddlers i i'm gonna speak to men out there dads who are like well but they need to learn how to be responsible like they will but they're only three and four and five and even six and seven their job is not to be productive or efficient. Their job is to wake up every day and get into stuff and be impulsive. And so you model impulse control. You model being responsible. Just relax a little bit with your toddlers when your kids get into elementary school.

4:11What I want you to know is their job in some ways is to get in trouble. It's to be curious and be impulsive and try different things. For those of you who are older or if you ever have ever seen reruns of Leave it to Beaver it was just a story of a kid who every day on the way to school or after school or in school just did something dumb and got in trouble and learned from it so I don't want you to be so uptight of like we're asking kids sometimes to be mini-me's to be like well I want you to act like a 35 year old axe but you're only 7 or 14 so chill with that a little bit backing off oh teens so here's a good one a mom just emailed and said hey our 17 year old is working over the summer but he's coming home late at night and he's not always on time like he'll say I'm going to be home at midnight but then at midnight he'll text me and say hey this movie's really good with my friends I'm going to be an hour late and he's got to get up at 8am and so I'm wondering like do I give consequences what do I do and my response is he's going to his job he's being responsible he's being with friends and as far as we know we kind of tell by the story that she told he's not out doing bad stuff he's texting is he coming home exactly on time no but he's communicating he's not just rolling in at 3 a.m.

5:43when he was supposed to be home at 11 and this mom does not have a specific curfew for him so you can't give a consequence if you don't have like a specific curfew but the main point of this is she was like well I just don't feel like he's being responsible and my response is he's being responsible like a 17 year old would not like a 37 year old would right and so there's a difference there and so that's See, that's our parental anxiety of like, well, you should get home, honey, earlier because you have to get up for work the next morning. Well, yes, it makes perfect sense. And that's how I live my life.

6:24But it's a 17-year-old kid who's hanging out with friends and they turn on a new movie or they do something. I kind of am glad that he's out with friends and enjoying his summer like we did as kids. And he's getting up in the morning at 8. Did he get enough sleep? No, but none of us did when we were kids because you're so, right? So watch that anxiety and projecting on and expecting him to act like a 37-year-old and get home at 9 o 'clock so he can be rested and have his sandwich and lunch made the night before like we all do. No, he's doing perfectly fine. In fact, let me add this. I would go to that kid and say, you know what?

7:06I like how you're doing life. You're prioritizing the right things. It's summertime. You're hanging out with your friends and you're not using that as an excuse to not go to work. So you're actually being really responsible. Fist bump. It's just, I don't like the way you are actually doing it because it makes me uncomfortable because I like to be rested. So just watch that. I would encourage you. I mentioned this summer, allow kids to be bored. Back off. don't fix everything for them don't fix their boredom let them own their own boredom and just say like yeah it stinks to be bored hey but i believe you're capable of using that great imagination to overcome your own board to overcome your own boredom we need to step back in those ways i'll give you one more because this just came up because i just did a podcast a couple minutes ago on back to school time and uh the host had said well what are some other tips you can do And I was like, well, as we go into the school year, back off, give your kids some ownership and say, hey, last year it's felt really rushed.

8:15Or ask your kids, what was last school year like? And it was like, well, stress and tension and pressure and we're always upset. Okay, so how do you guys want to structure our schedule this coming school year? What do we want to prioritize and what do we want to stop doing? now I know they're going to be like homework and I'll get to that later because you do need to say you do need to be okay with the fact that it's okay to say no to homework but I'll cover that in a separate podcast but I give the kids ownership because now I'm teaching them how to prioritize instead of me controlling everything in the home I'm not giving up my authority I'm still in control it's still my home but I'm saying this is a family and I want to teach you children kids how to prioritize and sometimes you say that things no to things that aren't good but you also have to say no to some things in life that are good because you have to prioritize so let me do this story on um backing off and it's one of my favorite stories of like a little girl and i don't know she could be seven or ten but she's doing martial arts and um she has a rope the little um um robe and the belt but she's not tying the belt the right way and the parent will come in and show say well let me show you the right way to tie it and my and my point is look we have control issues yes there is a right way to tie the belt but no it doesn't matter that this little girl is struggling and wrestling with it and doesn't tie it in the right way.

9:56And I want you to avoid projecting into the future of like, well, she doesn't learn how to tie her belt the right way. By the way, Mrs. Call makes fun of me all the time for doing that man voice. So sometimes when she wants to make a point to me, she'll just talk like this. And I was like, I don't talk like that. She said, listen to your podcast. That's what you talk like. And so you have to avoid projecting into the future. And instead, you could tell your daughter, I love that you love figuring it out yourself. And I believe you will. And then give some space. And if she fails, fine. That's how you learn in life.

10:35It's not really failing. It's learning. And I like to reward that. And so you allow the Taekwondo instructor when she comes into class to say, hey, it's kind of cool how you do that let me show you a different way to do that because our kids listen to other people much better it's why when kids get older i want them to have that mission mentor because they will listen to other adults but back off there your kids will learn oh here's a great email that i got from a mom and i think you're gonna like this one 16 year old daughter comes home at 10 p.m on a school night and says oh i forgot that i have a chemistry test tomorrow in first period can i go in late tomorrow and make up the test later in the week.

11:19And the mom said, no, you've got to deal with the consequences of not studying and prioritizing. And the mom said that didn't go over well. She had big feelings and said I was not helping her the one time she needed it. And many other not true and unkind things. I held my ground, didn't change the answer. Could I have handled this differently? And my answer is stop thinking that there's some way to do things that will produce some unnatural result in your child. You handled it in a perfectly reasonable way. You just said, no, I'm not going to take you to do that. So you're going to have to struggle through your chemistry test or stay up late tonight and study, whatever it is.

12:04And so your daughter did what I expected. She didn't like your answer because she had been irresponsible and she wanted you to rescue her. Okay, by the way, I'm perfectly okay in certain situations if the mom had said, yeah, I'll give you a mulligan on that because you're an overall responsible kid. I'll show some mercy and do it. That would have been perfectly fine as well. But in this case, the daughter lashed out with an immature manipulative response, which is normal for a teenager in that situation. I didn't prioritize. You're not helping me out and bailing me out, so I'm going to take it out on you.

12:52You both handled it the way I would expect. Just because she didn't respond well doesn't mean you could or should have handled it differently. You did the right thing. The only thing that needs to change is your expectation that a 16-year-old would appreciate you teaching her a life lesson she didn't want to learn. What were you going to expect? Like, Mom, thanks so much because I know this is good for my long-term well-being that you did this. Thanks for not giving in. So don't let it bother you anymore. You were a good parent in that situation. You backed off instead of just fixing the situation for her and she was mad at you.

13:36Okay, that's good. Another one related to that. There's a mom who is like, well, my son sometimes is really shy around strangers and won't talk to them. And I'm wondering, how can I support him in this? And I kind of inside got viscerally angry, like, why are you needing to support your child in this? He's just uncomfortable talking to strangers. And that's called being shy. And in some ways called being wise because we've taught our kids stranger danger. And now he's actually just being reticent about around strangers. not everything needs to be fixed part of the issue with our parenting now i shouldn't say it like that but like our parents were too disengaged and didn't pay attention to us and so a lot of mental illness and other things just didn't get noticed in a lot of my friends we're almost too engaged now it's like we notice every single thing that they're not doing up to our standards or that we think they should be doing and we measure against everybody else and it sounds like oh my son isn't doing that and he's shy how can I support him do I need to take him to a therapist do I need to take them to a class for this no sometimes just let them be kids he'll grow up and figure it out but if you're always on him about it he'll develop a complex and think well there's something wrong with me that I'm shy and don't want to talk to strangers and now I've been sitting in front of this stranger for 50 minutes talking about this what is wrong with me and then there's pressure from the parent of like, well, I'm paying$150 an hour for this, for you to get better at this.

15:09No, back off a little bit and let your kids figure some things out themselves. Or you will create more. That's the whole theme of this. When we don't step back, we create power struggles. We create a feeling inside of our kids that there's something wrong with them. And that's not necessary. Control your own anxiety. Oh, I love this next question. Man, I love how our kids think. This mom told me we were listening to your podcast and my son heard about the boy in the ad for Cure Hydration drinking the adult flavors. And he said, I want to drink that Cure stuff too. Like you say, he won't do normal kid things, but now he's become the Cure electrolyte champion of the home.

15:53He mixes my drink for me every morning. I love this. And yeah, let's send our kids to school with water and Cure Hydrating Electrolyte Powder because that's way healthier than expensive sports drinks. Cure's ingredients are simple and pure. Coconut water, pink Himalayan salt, and a burst of real fruit. I think your kids will love the Cure flavors, and you'll feel good giving them something healthy. And exciting news now, you can get Cure Hydration at your local Target or get 20 % off at curehydration.com with code CALM. That's curehydration.com, code calm, for 20 % off your first order. With the kids going back to school, Hungry Root's quick recipes are a savior on those busy weeknights.

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17:19Go to hungeroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungerroot.com slash calm code calm to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. And let me know which meals you love most. Hungerroot.com slash calm code calm. So how many of you have kids who when you just ask them like a nice question, they lash out at you and they start yelling at you? Well, I know you're not going to like this advice, but I encourage you to do it. Don't talk to them so much. And I know you're going to be like, but how do I show that I care? Your kids know that you care about them. You listen to a parenting podcast.

18:01And so in the morning, some kids, they just don't want to talk. And after school, some kids don't want to talk. They've been listening to a teacher talk all day long. They have sensory overload. And then I know you're being sweet. We're like, how was your day, honey? Well, look, some of your kids didn't have a good day. They don't like school. so sometimes the most compassionate, caring, loving thing to do is just hand them some headphones or earbuds and let them listen to music or an audiobook or something they want to listen to but I would encourage you sometimes back off, shut up, do not talk to them and I'll make this real look Casey, Casey and I just did that father-son hiking trip and so we were in hotels and Airbnbs for like 20 straight days together doing this And when we came out in the morning, he doesn't like to talk first thing in the morning.

18:57And I know as a dad, I could get indignant and be like, well, I paid for part of this trip. And at least you could do is say hello to your father in the morning. It's the appropriate thing to do. But I don't need that, right? Like there's a lot of these things that we hold on to. Like, well, kids should do that. Well, why? Like this is just proper respect. Like I asked Casey, watch how this works. I asked him to respect certain quirks that I have and certain preferences that I have. And I was very assertive about that and said, Case, look, I'm not up for that today. Or if we're going to do that kind of hike, let's do this.

19:33Let's leave early. And he was respectful of my quirks and preferences. And so I just chose on those days. Sometimes I just came out into the living room or if we're in a hotel room, just got up and was quiet and got on my computer and started doing my work. and then when he was ready he would open up there's no need to force these things sometimes and that's your own anxiety or that is your own preference well I just like to get up and start connecting early in the morning I know because you're annoying like I am and so but that's a preference and I part of backing off is realizing how many of these things are my preference how I like it done how I want it done or watch this one.

20:17Well, it came from I was raised by parents who taught me this. I get that and they were good parents, but this is a different kid. You get to determine how you parent now and you don't have to do it according to everybody else's standards. And I want you to not be moved by the judgments of other people. Know your child. do the way you want do the way it works best for your family okay now here's a really cool one uh that uh just came in uh yesterday from uh from a mom who said okay i i listened to your podcast i know i have issues with this and like within minutes after listening to the podcast because she gets up early goes for like a walk and listens to the podcast and she came inside before the kids get up and her son came downstairs foul mood right like and like all worried like I don't I don't know I don't know where my school work is my backpack I don't know what I want to eat this morning I don't know what I want to wear and mom said usually she would jump in and fix that because moms and dads you're really good at fixing stuff for your kids right and I mean that in a good way because you love them and you're accomplished people and you're organized and so it's very easy to jump in and say, okay, here's what we're going to do.

21:35Let's do this, this, and this. And the mom said, I chose this time to purposefully not jump in and fix things for my son because usually when I do it, I use that really sweet tone, honey, here's what we could do. And I'm learning that's condescending and my son does not respond well to it. And she said, I had to purposefully catch myself from jumping in and participating in all of his drama because I don't like all of his drama. It makes me uncomfortable and I want to fix it partly because I love my son but watch this and I love this moms and dads you're being so honest with yourselves and you're getting to these deeper things and she said what I really realized was my real motive wasn't to help him.

22:21It was to stop his drama and complaining so that I could enjoy my morning. But she said, instead, I stepped back and I said, you know what? That's frustrating, but I believe you're capable of figuring this out on your own. And then she walked away and drank. I'm kidding. That was my old joke. I don't even drink a lot, but you're going to feel like drinking sometimes because you're like, I don't really know if this child is capable of handling this on his or her own. And you're going to be like, oh no, I need to do that. Don't drink. And so, but she did walk away and give him space. And guess what?

22:59He stomped around the house a little bit. He stomped up the stairs. She heard him up in his bedroom, like slamming the dresser drawers, but he came downstairs a few minutes later. He was dressed. He had his backpack and he had figured it out himself. now here's what most of you will notice when this kid comes downstairs he's going to act like nothing ever happened that he hadn't been screaming or blaming you where did you put my book back backpack you did it your that's what your kids do but then they figured out he came down and he was in control of himself and the mom said it was so hard to do because i so wanted to jump in and make it easy for him and fix it so that he wouldn't keep doing that because they've got a younger child.

23:49When this child gets upset, well, then what? Then it wakes up the baby. And there are ripple effects here that happen. But she said, I was so proud of myself because I did it. And I was proud of him because he did it. And I want you to know that part of backing off is we're giving kids space to accomplish things, to learn new skills, to problem solve, to figure out how to calm themselves down so they know in the future, okay, when things go wrong, here's my process. And they're learning by watching you do it as you learn to de-escalate yourself and calm down. It is a beautiful, that story, what that mom just told me, that is beautiful because so many amazing things happened in the internal lives and hearts and character of these two characters here.

24:47This mom had to break patterns that she'd had for 35 years and that she learned as a child and she had to step back and exude confidence. And this kid had to figure out on his own. Okay, how am I going to handle all of this stuff coming at me? And they both did it. That is what we are after. I encourage you, back off, teach your kids how to problem solve, and you will get this. If you need help with this, if you need help financially with any of our programs, just reach out to Casey, C-A-S-C-Y at celebrate calm.com. Just don't ask to talk to him early in the morning because he won't talk to you or be that nice to you.

25:32All right. I love you all. I respect you all. We'll talk to you soon.