Want A Responsible Child? Back Off (& Shut Up) Part I #508

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1:22Perhaps even begin a couple weeks early with a reduced schedule just to work off that summer rust and build new habits again. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. So begin with a subject your kids are curious about. Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

2:05We were watching this comedy special, and the comedian Jim Gaffigan mentioned the death stare he gets from his wife when he asked, What time is that school event tomorrow? So I texted Jim, Hey, you need to get Skylight Calendar for your family. Okay, I don't know him, but I did yell at the screen. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all your calendars, so you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place, with different colors for each family member. That means less stress, no more worrying about forgetting something important. Skylight Calendar is a game-changer with the craziness of another school year upon us, and you can try it for four months absolutely risk-free.

2:47Families are better when they're working together. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. Go to myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash parenting. So I remember exactly where I was when I got this idea for the podcast. Casey and I were on our father-son hiking trip, and he had planned this really epic day. This was going to be a big hike with these views of the entire mountain range. And we got up, and it was really foggy, and we start climbing up through the woods.

3:29We had about 3 ,000 feet of climbing, and it's a hard climb. And he's in just, he's so quiet. I know when Casey is quiet, something's going on, because like many of your kids, he was chatterboxed as a kid. He never stopped talking. and so along the way he said dad I'm just I'm quiet because I'm I'm so angry I'm in such a bad mood and you know how these kids are they they're like dark clouds they're stormy they're so intense their mood can control the mood of the home and he was upset because he wanted this to be a great day and now we've talked about this he started catastrophizing you know whole day is going to be ruined?

4:08What if it doesn't clear up? We're going to miss the best views of the whole trip. And so I found myself having to be in this position where I was coaching myself that I am not responsible for his mood because I wanted to change it, but I focused on myself. Okay, I'm going to enjoy this day. No matter what mood my son is in, no matter what happens, I'm going to control myself, enjoy this day. I wanted to say, you know what's ruining the day? It's not the fog. It's your negativity and your attitude, right? It wouldn't be so bad if you would just change your attitude. And I want you to know that all of those thoughts you have are normal.

4:53There's nothing wrong with those thoughts. I just don't want you acting out on those thoughts and letting those thoughts control you. But I don't want you to think, well, if I become calm, I'll just never really struggle. Yeah, you will. I've been doing this 25 years. I was struggling on that hillside. And I told myself in the moment, I remember the exact spot because I was coming around this turn. And I said to myself, back off and shut up. And I apologize if that sounds too harsh to you. But I really needed to say that to myself or I would have ruined this. And so instead, The only thing I said was, Case, I really appreciate all the effort you're putting into these hikes.

5:38And then I just put my head down and I kept going. And I allowed him to own his mood. And I know you're going to struggle with this, but sometimes we jump in because we're so needy. It's like, well, I need his attitude to change so that I can be happy. But I want you to learn to live in the discomfort of this. Because if you don't, you will provoke so many power struggles with a strong-willed child. And I don't want you to do that. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

6:19Kudos to you, by the way, for actually opening up and listening to a podcast that is titled Back Off and Shut Up. and I can say it in a lot of different ways but over the years sometimes I've just wanted to scream to people not at people back off you just need to back off with the strong-willed child or you will create so many power struggles and you'll blame it on your defiant child because they're so big-headed and strong-willed and they're so obstinate and they're so and my point is always well so are you and that's why this is happening so take a let's look at a toddler I'm going to give you examples for all age groups.

6:56So take a toddler who's just learning to tie his or her shoelaces, and they're struggling with it. And you're going to be like, well, honey, here, let me show you how to do that. Now, most kids are going to be like, thank you, mommy and daddy. I appreciate that. But your strong-willed child probably won't. They're going to say no. You're going to be like, well, I'm just trying to help you, honey. No. And they're going to basically say, in other words, back off. And if you keep going, they may call you a jerk. And you're going to be tempted to take that personally with these kids. And so I don't want you...

7:32So notice the tone of voice. I want to model the tone of voice here. Because what I don't want you doing is the condescending tone of voice. Well, honey, if you don't tie your shoes the right way, they're going to be untied. And you're going to trip and hurt yourself. that is so patronizing sounding to a strong willed child so instead I'd probably say it like this okay cool I really like your independence I love that you're willing to try new things yourself listen if they're not tied correctly you'll probably trip and you probably skin your knee but you'll be okay with that I'm cool with that now if you want some help with that just let me know and then I give a little bit of space I walk into the other room for two reasons one I give the child space to process well do I want my parent to help me or do I want to struggle through this and if they're struggling through it I want to give them space to struggle without you hovering over them because that's when that is when a lot of these outbursts occur when we're hovering over our child because they begin to feel your pressure and they can hear your lecture inside.

8:46Well, honey, if you just did it my way and you did it this way, then it would be done. And I can show you exactly how to do this because I have a lifetime of learning how to, of knowing how to tie my shoes. And they know that, but they want the space. So back off a little bit. So no condescending tone, but no indignant tone. You know what? I'm just trying to help you. And all you ever do is reject it. No, that's your own issue. Don't do that. Do not take it personally. This is a three-year-old, a five-year-old, a 15-year-old. Who cares? They're a kid. Stop taking it personally. And I don't want you to own it.

9:22Now, I understand you are a loving mom and dad. And so part of the reason you want to help them with their shoes is admirable because you know if they don't tie their laces the right way, they're going to trip and fall. And you don't want to see them hurt because you love your child. Now, if you're honest about it, some of you, it's just, hey, I don't have time for you to figure out all this stuff. Let me show you how because I've got a schedule. We've got a schedule. We've got to get rolling. And I know that. And I understand that, that you're busy parents. But I would caution you, encourage you, if you have a strong-willed child, you're going to have to let go of your agenda a little bit.

9:59You're going to have to create space and time, extra time, because you want your kids to learn these things themselves. it's not about just being productive and we're going to get through the day and I'm going to get all these things done no I'd rather create the time and cut out something else so that my child can learn to struggle because watch what happens if we allow that toddler to struggle and so and let me give you this as kind of a benchmark here of what I'm talking about I don't want kids to get injured but I'm okay if they skin their knee So when you're making these decisions, I think, oh, is my child just going to get bruised or are they going to get injured?

10:43I don't want kids to get injured. Another way to think about it is, hey, I want kids to struggle, but I don't want them to suffer. See, I don't want any humans to suffer, but struggle is good. Why? Because when that child, whether he's four or she's 14, struggles to learn something new, and then ends up mastering it after failing a few times, well, wow, that's resilience. That's achievement. That's accomplishment. You can come in and say, you know what? I admire about you. You're not afraid to try it yourself. You didn't take the easy way out. You struggled through that. You fell down a few times.

11:24You skinned your knee. You got back up and you kept doing it. Then you figured it out. That is the quality that is going to serve you well in life. Now, say that to a four-year-old. they're going to be like, what are you talking about? Same with a 14-year-old, right? They're going to look at you like, what are you talking about? But it is the tone behind that. It is the energy behind that of, I'm proud of you. See, you're going to have to make these decisions at all parts of your kids' lives of, if I am jumping in, I'm actually being responsible for my child's behavior. I'm actually being responsible for their success.

12:06And that trips a lot of us up because we jump in a lot of times and it's not really for our kids. It's for us. It's for our own anxiety. Well, if I jump in and help them do well, then that makes they're going to be successful in life. And that means I did a good job as a parent. But many of you know our phrase, if you've gone through our programs on the Strong Will Child program, hey, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. And I want to constantly step back so I can put it in their court, so they can own their decisions and develop their own skills, so they can learn how to be resilient.

12:47And we talk a lot in that program about giving kids ownership of their choices. And I don't have time to do it here, but I'd say it sounds like this hey here's my objective here's what has to happen i want this i want you to accomplish this i want you to do this chore i want you to get this done i just relinquish control over how you do it why because a strong-willed child is never going to do things the way you want them done they are not they are not they're not and you have to let go of that and give them some space to own it and try it and do it in a different way and fail at times and why that's hard is because we have control issues.

13:27I want it done a certain way. That's the way I have always done it. That is the right way to do it. And you will do it that way. And we have time pressures. So I don't have time for you to figure things out and use your creativity. We also have anxiety about our child's future. We're projecting out in the future. Well, if they can't do it the right way now, how are they going to succeed in the adult world? And I would encourage you to go back and listen. January 5th, episode number 436 on controlling your own anxiety. Because if you don't learn how to do that you will pick you will have chosen so many power struggles with your child and you are being responsible for your child you're gonna have to watch during the school year because this subtle pressure comes in you don't think you're pressuring your child but they are feeling with grades and sports and practicing their musical instrument saying well you have to do your best at everything and i may cover that in a future podcast but that will cause your kids to shut down and just because you did it that way doesn't mean it's going to work for them and i will guarantee you with a strong will child they don't want to do it your way and it's not because they're disobedient defiant and just trying to be difficult on purpose it's because they're made that way and it's a great trait to want to figure things out for yourself and do it in a different way and the other thing is you're just going to have to shut up and stop lecturing just like I have to do that if you struggle that I did a two-part series back in February 9th and 16th number episodes 447 and 449 how to shut up part one and part two because it is really hard it is deeply ingrained in us okay we did a toddler example next I'm going to do examples for middle school high school kids We'll catch on social media also, and then go back to younger kids as well.

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17:16Okay, so when we get into the middle school years and later, this all still applies. and the hard part when your kids get to middle school especially is you're going to be looking at these kids who are no longer little kids. Voices are changing. Hormones are raging. Some of them are bigger than you now. And you're looking at them thinking, well, they should be really stepping up right now. They should really be taking responsibility for themselves. And yet some of your kids, all they do is like sit around in the same hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days playing video games and they're not really motivated.

17:51and you're going to project into the future and think, well, how is this kid ever going to get a job? Who's going to hire him or marry him or her? Like, how does this work? And so you're going to be tempted to then start to get on them about all the little things they're not doing right or all the little things they're doing wrong. And it becomes constant. You don't think it is like, well, I don't lecture. I'm just teaching them. No, you're annoying them and you're on them all the time. It doesn't mean you don't say no and teach and discipline. We've been through that. I just did a podcast on how to correct kids.

18:29I think that was a couple months ago on how to correct kids so they actually listen to you. So it has nothing to do with being affirming. But there's a difference between teaching kids and being constantly on them. And, you know, I think you can tell the differences. Hey, when I'm teaching, I feel confident. I'm talking more like this. And I'm just providing wisdom and perspective, but I'm not owning it. When I'm anxious about something, I tend to be talking more in this kind of tone. And it's like I'm anxious inside because I really want this child to get this because I know it's true. And it would be good if they would start doing this.

19:08And I really need them to own it right now and do this. Can you hear the difference there? I want you to practice this or just observe yourself this week so you know when you've tipped over into that anxious lecturing mode. Because what will happen with your older kids is they will just shut down and stop listening to you. And I don't blame them because many of us did that with our parents when they did that as well. And so I'm going to do a couple specific examples for this age group. But overall, here's what I encourage you to do. Back off. Shut up. The only thing that you can say for the next few days is observe the good things that your kids are already doing.

19:53Affirm what they're doing well. Instead of always picking out all the little things they're not doing well. You can use that phrase with them. Hey, I believe you're capable. I believe you're capable of completing this assignment because you're really creative. You're a smart kid. I believe you're capable of doing that. and I talk to them when you get to this age in that even matter-of-fact tone of they bring something out up and instead of giving a lecture like number 43B on how to have good friendships hey, I've got some ideas about that I'm going to go get started on dinner, do laundry I've got to do something in the garage if you want to hear my ideas sometime, just come get me and then I remove myself now just know that your strong-willed teenager if they do come to you, and let me go with this, if they don't come to you and ask, it's probably because there is something strained in your relationship and you have been a little bit overbearing with them, always too critical.

20:56And you're going to have to repair that. If you go through our programs, I want you to start with the No BS Program Instruction Manual for Strong Will Kids. But you're going to have to repair that. You're going to have to apologize and say, oh okay the reason they're not coming to me is because I am the one partially who has broken some of the trust by always being negative it was never good enough for me and so now they don't want to hear from me and there's no blame or guilt in that we all fall into those patterns so I don't do blame or guilt I just own it and say okay that's what's happened so now that I know that, I can begin to repair that and rebuild the trust.

21:38Now, if they do come to you, it's probably going to sound like this. Okay, what are your stupid ideas? And I don't want you to take it personally because this teenager who's all filled with raging hormones and social media and all the confusing stuff kids go through is now coming to you and their heart and mind is now opened up because they said, okay, what are your ideas? Keep it short and sweet. One of my favorite phrases is, hey, what I found in life is things tend to go better when you handle them this way. Short and sweet, plant the seed and then remove yourself because I want our kids to begin to own it themselves.

22:19You can't force things on them. And I'll get to this a little bit later. Mission and mentor for strong will kids, teenagers, really important. So here's an example, which is going to be a really tough one. So I was working with these parents and they had determined, okay, we've given our child social media and it's not working. And so they determined, okay, no social media, no Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram until you are age 16. and that's kind of following Jonathan Haidt's recommendation, getting them more through puberty before we introduce all the social media and all that pressure. Well, the child is naturally, look, your child is not going to say, you know what, mom and dad, thanks for taking the long view.

23:09Thanks for looking out at what's best for me, even when I don't know what's best for me. And thanks for doing that, even though it's going to make you really uncomfortable. They're not going to say that. So what did this child say? Everybody has it. everybody has Snapchat. It's the only way anybody communicates. And I get it, but that's not true. Not everyone has it. Most kids do, but it's not the only one. And so your big struggle here, and I empathize with you, and I know how hard this is. If you just give in and say, yeah, it's just so hard, because remember the struggle versus suffer thing.

23:48If your child is one of the few ones in their school or class who does not have social media at that age, they are going to struggle. They are. But where I draw the distinction is, but if I go against my own conscience, and if you want to say research and whatever, and I give into them, well, now they're probably going to suffer emotionally, socially, psychologically. And by giving in, in some ways, I am satisfying my own discomfort. I am putting my own needs ahead of what's best for my child. Again, you know I don't do blame or guilt. And I'm not saying, well, if you've given your child social media before age 16, then that's not what I'm saying.

24:38I'm saying if this is important to you, this is when I back off and I tell my teenager, I know you're going to struggle. This is going to be very hard. You are going to feel left out. You are going to miss out on conversations online and on texting, whatever it is. It's going to be harder. But I believe you're capable of struggling through this and finding other ways to connect in healthy ways with your friends. And you're going to get the silent treatment from your child because they're going to be angry at you. Because Do you know why? Because nobody likes to struggle. We want the easier way out.

25:20But this is an essential part of parenting is to say, I am going to work through my own discomfort and I'm going to do what is best for my child even when they're upset at me. And I'll make an analogy here. And I'm not gonna get through all my examples. So we're gonna do a part two on this, but let me do this other analogy. It happens with our spouse at times, right? I'm saying this begins at age three or four and it doesn't end because we may have a spouse who is very more emotional and sensitive. And we're like, we want to jump in and fix their mood. But we have to continually say, it is not my job to control the moods of another human being.

26:05and it's my job to back off and shut up and sit in my discomfort and be patient and listen and let them own their own moods and come out of it instead of me needing to fix it. So you can see where we started. We began with our grown son, me having to back up. I went all the way back to marriage. So now you're talking about people in their 30s, 40s and 50s and some of you a little bit older in your 60s learning how to do this. And we touched on that with a toddler and then in middle school and high school about learning how to back off so that our kids learn how to step up themselves. Now, the examples I did not get to, there are three more really good examples on this.

26:52But I think what I'm going to do is stop right here, do a part two so that I don't rush these other examples of kids who are not doing things the way you want them done. and then that way it relieves my own anxiety about trying to fit in too much. So thank you for listening to this. Thank you for working so hard to break in generational patterns, moms and dads. This is harder work than you will ever do in your regular job. And this stepping back thing is so important. I want you to know if you do this, you are going to teach your kids new skills and how to be resilient. It's what you want. So let's work on that this week.

27:31observe some of your reactions this week and observe when you trip over into that anxiety mode and start lecturing and I want you to start practicing that even matter-of-fact tone that says, no, this is yours to own, toddler, teenager in between that age this is yours to own, wife, husband this is yours to own I'm here to listen, I'll support hey, if you need some help, let me know instead of, hey, let me help you with your mood. Because do you want your spouse saying that? Hey, it sounds like you're really frustrated and emotional today. Do you want me to help you with your mood? And they're going to be, no.

28:12Why do you need to change it? Okay, so tune in on Wednesday. We will do part two, and these examples are killer. If we can help you in any way, reach out to our son, that strong-willed young man up in the mountains, It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecom.com. If you need help financially with our programs, ask for it. We'll do payment plans for you. We want to help and we know how hard it is out there. So much respect and love for you all. We'll talk to you on Wednesday, but work on this stuff in the next few days because it's so freeing once you get free from controlling your kids and your own anxiety.

28:49All right, see ya.