We Got Our PDA/ADHD/ND Son Off Screens & Out of the House! #574

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2:06To the me I used to be before texting 988. When another argument with mom felt like the end of the world and school got too stressful, I felt alone. But when I texted 988, a real person texted back. someone listened without judgment. I'm still here and I'm stronger than I thought. We hear you. Call, text, or chat 988. It's free, confidential, and here for you 24-7. Brought to you by the New York State Office of Mental Health. I know you never envisioned your home life being this challenging. Maybe you thought you'd have a few power struggles with your kids over the years, occasionally not wanting to do their homework and then trying to negotiate a later curfew in the teen years, you know, normal childhood stuff.

2:51But you never imagined that simply getting your child to leave his or her bedroom would be something to celebrate, to actually cry tears of joy over. But this is reality for many families. Some kids have not gone back to school after the holiday break two and a half months ago. That's reality for many families. So rather than just tell you what I would do or give you ideas, I wanted to devote an entire episode to the experience of one couple and how they handled this using some key principles from our PDA Parent Program. And I think it will be more powerful that way. So that's what we're going to discuss on this bonus episode.

3:30I'm going to release this episode on both the Calm Parenting Podcast and on the PDA Parent Podcast. You can find that at CelebrateCalm.com slash PDA. Because I think it will be helpful for all parents, not just those who have kids with PDA. Some caveats as always. This may not be your experience. This may not work for you the first time or the fifth time or ever. These are just a few ideas, and there are many other ways to approach this. Everybody's situation is different. I want you to read the moment with your child and your family's situation. But I don't want you being paralyzed by the what-ifs into doing nothing.

4:11So let's see how this everyday couple like you handle this situation. It's also pretty cool that the dad took a very active role here. And I'm finding that's happening a lot. Getting a lot of dads, both with our calm parenting and the PDA parent, coming in and saying, Oh, I feel like I have an action plan. Men tend to do well. Give me an action plan. Give me a script. Tell me what to do. And so I love that because it's really important. It's partially important because if you're both not helping, then it's one parent being responsible for 95 % of the emotions and emotional energy in the home, and that just won't work long term.

4:50So this is used with permission from this couple. I've edited for clarity and also changed names for privacy, and I'm going to interject a few comments along the way. But I hope you can identify with their fears, their doubts, and their hopes. So they wrote in and said, Kirk, we'd been paralyzed by fear about our son Luke. After the long Christmas break, he refused to leave his bedroom. We were afraid if we even suggested anything, it would trigger him and he'd go back into or deeper into burnout. So we just basically let him do whatever he wanted because that's what everyone else was recommending.

5:31It never felt quite right inside for us, but we were operating from fear and we didn't have a concrete plan to move him from basically hiding in his room. So out of desperation, we downloaded your program because we knew we had to try something. We couldn't just let him sit on screens all day. It didn't feel right. And she said, my husband and I weren't exactly fighting, but we had some simmering tension between us. I realize now that my son and I formed this mutual anxiety loop that I couldn't break free from because of fear. And my husband wanted to push too hard. One of the most helpful parts of going through your program is that you helped bridge the gap between us.

6:20You gave me a gentle nudge to lead with confidence and my husband a gentle nudge to lead with more empathy. By the way, I love that. I love that you both were open to that. That's pretty cool. So I wanted to share how we applied your ideas because so far, fingers crossed, we are making really good progress. So I think there are about 13 steps. Number one, Luke loves to tinker with things and see how electronics and gadgets work. Like you say, he sees patterns, which is why he's so good at arguing. We went to a thrift store and bought several old electronics, a computer, and gadgets for$25. That idea was gold.

7:04It's always been one of my favorites. Number two, we got home. We created an inventor's workshop space for him in the basement and the garage. We didn't say a thing, but he heard us moving things and making noise and was intrigued by it. So he kind of came creeping down the stairs and watched us. We just kept on working on the space without looking up. Bingo. Good job. Number three. We got a used, dented-up little mini refrigerator and stocked it with snacks and food for his workshop. By the way, I love that because you're not forcing him. You're not mentioning, you know, it'd really be important if you ate none of that.

7:49You're putting it there. You're creating. What they started to do was creating. Remember, we talked about our kids are so much better in the adult world. Now it's like, oh, I've got my own little refrigerator in my workshop. It's just a cool, subtle thing. Number four, Luke eventually asked us, what are you doing? We didn't really look up. I just casually said, well, we realized you have a natural gift for seeing how things work and inventing things, and you'll probably make more money as an entrepreneur one day. So we thought we'd just create an inventor's workshop for you anytime you want to mess around with stuff.

8:26I pivoted and asked my husband a question, so I didn't make too big of a deal out of it. That's awesome, because you're not asking him, what do you think of that idea? Because that's just pressure. It's just unnecessary. Number five, we told Luke we had to go back out and get a couple more things. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and said we'd be back in an hour or so. And this, I think, is very instructive, what the mom said. I have to admit as a mom, this is not how I pictured our family life. In some ways, it saddens me. But in other ways, I feel like I'm getting to know our son in deeper ways than I would have had everything been easy and normal.

9:14I'm seeing more depth inside him and it's causing me to grow in ways I never would have. When you ask that question early on in the program, do you have pathological demand acceptance, it triggered me and I didn't like you for a moment. That's fine. You should not like me for many moments. But then I realized that was part of the issue. I was raised to be a people pleaser. I never questioned anyone or anything, but now I'm seeing how much we've been on autopilot and just accepting what everyone else says we should prioritize. So I'm a recovering acceptor. This entire process is slowly drawing my husband and I together, finally, because we have a plan.

10:03My husband wanted you to know that your insight that our kids place great demands on themselves internally helped him reframe his view that our son was lazy and would never be successful. It was a game changer for him. Number six, so we got back home and Luke was busy taking apart an old PC and looking at the motherboard. We purposefully didn't walk in and say, oh, we're so glad you're doing that. It was hard not to show our enthusiasm. So we played it cool. And I love that. Don't give too much attention or your kids will just disappear. Number seven, the next day, my husband came home from work and I heard him connecting with Luke in his workshop.

10:47My husband didn't ask if he'd done any homework or chores that day, like usual. He was being curious about what my son was figuring out and working on. and I heard my husband say things like, man, I just can't see how processes work like you do. So do you see patterns here? What does your brain instantly kind of know when you look at this? Do you see how all these component parts work together? And I could hear Luke answering and occasionally getting frustrated with my husband for not understanding what he should know. But But my husband stayed cool. He didn't take it personally. And then he decided to risk an affirmation.

11:31So he told our son, I think we've misunderstood you, and I apologize for that. The truth is, you put enormous pressure on yourself when you're curious about something. And I admire that quality in you. Then my husband walked away and came upstairs. Luke stayed down there for hours. We heard him open the fridge, and no doubt, food wrappers were left on the floor, like you said, because that's what our kids are going to do. Our son asked if he could sleep in the basement so he could, quote, be near his work. We said yes because we thought that's a reasonable ask. That's progress. By the way, my own comments here.

12:13I don't consider that an accommodation. I don't consider it giving in. I don't care if you sleep up in your bedroom or let's throw a mattress or a sleeping bag on the floor in the basement. I'm cool with that, especially with these kids. He's getting good night's sleep. He feels like a grown up, right? He's got his little mini fridge. It's kind of like he's in college in his little dorm room. I would even look this is my own ad. I would even create it like a dorm room kind of experience with our kids, Strongwell kids, our kids with PDA, making it more adult, giving them more autonomy to say, look, I don't care how you do it.

12:50You want to be responsible for your food? That would be awesome. Number eight, fast forward another week. We found Luke asleep with tools in his hand one morning. It was actually glorious. Love that word. A lot of our Canadian friends use that word. It was glorious. I know it may not sound like a big win to other people, but he came upstairs one day and asked could we go to the thrift store I'd like to find more things to work on we got out of the house we went to several thrift stores and my husband met us for a special lunch out my son's got a mission he's got a focus he's engaging with people in life it's a big win Luke talked non-stop about what we had picked up from the thrift store and what his plans were.

13:42He said he thought he could make money repurposing and upgrading old gaming computers. My husband is a business guy, so they started talking about creating a venture together with my son negotiating for a bigger piece of ownership of the company as you would expect. So we talk all the time about giving our kids adult responsibilities, and many of our kids love cooking. It's sensory, it's creative, and it makes them feel grown up. So let your kids order a couple hungry root meals every week, and then they can be the chef on those nights. The hungry root recipes are super easy, even I can fix them, and they come with the right portions so it's not overwhelming.

14:26Your kids will look forward to getting home from school and finding their hungry root box there. It gives them some autonomy over food and they can work for tips. Get clean, healthy meals customized for your family's preferences delivered to your door to save you precious time. You're going to love hunger root as much as we do. Go to hungerroot.com slash calm. Use code calm to get 40 % off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for life. That's HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box. HungryRoot.com slash calm, code calm. Hey, it's Howie Mandel, and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie Do It gaming team take on Gilly DeKing and Wallow 267's Million Dollars Gaming in an epic Global Gaming League video game showdown.

15:17Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi-platinum artist Travi McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Nioh right now at GlobalGamingLeague.com. That's GlobalGamingLeague.com. Everybody games. Number nine, Luke asked if he could turn that room into his workshop in office. We stopped at another store for a used microwave we put in the basement, so now we can have food autonomy while he works on his projects. We used your script and said, hey, when you're an adult, you get to choose what you eat and when, make your own meals, etc.

15:55We may as well get a head start on that. Now, he's not fully making all his own meals yet, but he's helping out and he's eating relatively healthy meals. He'll come up and say, I'm in the middle of a project now. Do you mind if I heat up my meal downstairs? Again, it's not what we had always pictured with family mealtime, but it's working. Luke now has an independent living space down there. Yes, it's still a mess, but we're seeing the twinkle come back in his eyes and his voice is hopeful. Number 10. No, we haven't gotten any schoolwork done in the last month, but he is reading a book on business.

16:39He's doing math for his business venture. He's starting to work on marketing, which involves persuasive writing. Now, side note for me, I think at this point, that's good progress. It's practical application of everything important he'd be learning in school. And I was thinking about this on a hike yesterday. Those of you listening to this have bright kids. We're not talking about kids who can't read or write or do basic math. Our kids have the intelligence to do everything that's expected of them. So much of what is asked in school is arbitrary and not honestly useful. and while I would like to have him continue learning in school, this is perfect for right now.

17:23Your child is thinking, problem solving, reading, writing, and learning. That's enough for right now. I'll include this as well. You have kids who are bright enough that when they choose to turn it on, oh, they could catch up. They could catch up. I want to encourage you. I know some of this will bother you. Relax with it. I don't really care about all that other normal stuff they're supposed to be doing. I've got a kid who's focused now, who has a little bit of a vision. He's learning. He's applying it in the real world. That's enough right now. Number 11. So my husband had an idea and decided to invite Luke to a business lunch since they formed this venture together.

18:08And she said it was interesting. Luke showered and asked if he had business clothes to wear. to meet his dad. What you said about giving him independence and dropping him off to handle things more like a grown-up was really insightful, and he likes that. So I dropped him off at the restaurant, but I didn't go in. He met my husband and heard my husband say to the host, I have an important business meeting with my partner here, so if we could have a more private table to discuss our plans, we'd appreciate it. My husband said Luke was very impressed with that. Now, while they aren't drinking martinis together, which is good, it's pretty awesome to see this side of him come out.

18:50Number 12, our son is slowly taking on more responsibilities around the house without being asked. And we are asking more. This is important for us. We have been so afraid of asking him to do anything. And I think inside, he wants to do more. We're still figuring out the balance here, but I think it feels good for him to know he's capable. My side note, that is huge for our kids in this space. So just knowing he's capable and can do more and not tiptoeing around these kids, it's a big win. Number 13. A couple days ago, Luke mentioned a local inventor's camp that meets after school. Even a month ago, my husband would have insisted that he could only participate if he went back to school.

19:44That would have ended it entirely. I would have enthusiastically tried to convince him to sign up, and that would have ended it entirely as well. As you say, his response would be, I'm out. Instead, I looked up the information, I printed off the application, and I left it on his work desk with a post-it that said, hey, let me know if you need help with this. Otherwise, just sign up yourself. So he came up at dinner time last night all serious and said, dad, I'm thinking we need a company credit card. I could write off the cost of that inventor's camp as a business expense. He then proceeded to ask for our credit card to finalize his application.

20:33And listen to the mom. See if you can relate to this. This is one of those times when your mind races. Well, if we hand over our card, is he going to go downstairs and buy$250 worth of video games? Well, we can't allow that. But if we don't allow him, will he think we don't trust him? So the mom said, here's my card. Go pay. and when you're done, bring the card back upstairs. I would have been afraid to say that before because other people lead you to believe everything is a demand our kids can't handle, but he could handle it, and he did exactly that, even adding a thank you. I wish we wouldn't have been so paralyzed by fear over this.

21:15Number 14. We knew he was going to be anxious about going to the camp and try to get out of going, which he did. But we had a plan and we were prepared. We knew to validate his anxiety with intensity and normalize it, but not stop there. For those of you who don't know, we validate with intensity. Of course you'd be nervous about going to that new after-school camp. It's going to be all kinds of new kids. You don't know what to expect. See, you're just validating what their experience is. But you don't stop there. You give them tools. So the couple said, we'd already contacted the camp leader, and she reached out to Luke to ask for his help with a special mission.

21:59He was able to take one of his thrift store projects in early that first night. By the way, the importance of that is you get the kids in early. He's now carrying something physical that he has worked on into this new place. And instead of just walking in awkwardly, not having any control, now the camp leader says, oh, what did you create? And now your child gets to show off their talents. Well, this was an old PC and I made it into this and I did this with a motherboard and they explain it and they're so excited. And that camp leader gets to say, dude, you're really good at this. Like you've got a great brain for this.

22:38And then the child's there a few minutes early, which helps with the anxiety because they're not walking in after all the other kids are there and they're talking and they feel kind of left out. It was really cool. And so the parents said, we know he'll fight us again next week, but now at least we feel like we can lead him there and we got an initial success. Number 15. So here's one more incredible thing that happened. My husband asked Luke if he wanted to go on an overnight trip with him for a business meeting. It was to a cool city about four hours away with a great aquarium. My husband gave Luke three conditions for going with him.

23:19He'd have to dress up just a bit, bring a little schoolwork with him since my husband would be working. Although he said, I won't check your work, but I want you to bring it. And it would be so it would be on the honor system. And Luke would have to be able to be on his own and own in a client's office for an hour while my husband was in a meeting. We were afraid this would trigger Luke because these were, quote, demands. But he readily agreed after he negotiated the dress shoes he could wear and that he only had to take math homework and reading. I think so many of our fears were overblown. And she said, anyway, they went away for a night.

24:01They had a fantastic time with only a couple hiccups at the aquarium as well. Everything isn't perfect. Luke still fights us on simple things at home and still isn't doing his full schoolwork. But he's engaged with a mission. He's got confidence in that hopeful energy he had as a younger child. He's dressing up as a business guy a couple days a week. We're being patient. We're just relishing in the progress right now. By the way, really important. Get some wins. live in those wins for a little while just breathe i know you're going to feel like oh we got to win now we can push them to the next level by the way we don't push these kids with anything we lead them but we always want to go okay what's the next thing no just just live in that progress right now and they said thank you for the creative ideas for the gentle nudge to lead them through some hard things with just the right balance of independence and safety i love that i am super proud of all of you for doing this hard work.

25:06How many of you ever thought before you had kids it was going to be like this? You didn't. But here you are. You're being mature and saying, you know what? This is the hand we've been given. And you're not just getting by. Although some of you are, right? Let me acknowledge that. Some of you are just literally surviving. And that's not even with PDA kids. Some of you have like three kids under the age of five. Your home should be a mess. You should feel overwhelmed. Your house should not be clean and orderly. You have three little kids, right? And some of you have teenagers who are going through hormonal things.

25:42It's hard, really hard. So some of you are just getting by, but some of you, you're leaning into this as well and saying, you know what? I'm changing as a human. I'm being more mature. I'm growing up and I'm starting to see my child differently. I'm not going to add anything else because I think this was all beautifully said by these parents. I can't guarantee that if you go through our PDA parent program or the Calm Parenting program that this will be your outcome, but I do think there are insights and strategies that will help you make really good significant progress and feel confident instead of fearful and hopefully help you and your spouse get on the same page.

26:22So if you're interested, go to CelebrateCalm.com slash PDA for more information. If you need help, just reach out to us. My one favor is if you're listening to the new PDA Parent Podcast or even the other one, if you like this, leave a five-star review. It just helps us reach more parents and helps them find it. So thank you all for working so hard at this. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy those little moments. Okay. Love you all. Bye-bye.