What You Can & Should Never Try to Fix About Your Kids #605

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3:29So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our big summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com. This is a very important episode. I am going to ask you to be patient with me. I'm not going to talk as fast as I usually do because I really want to do this in a comprehensive way. I may stumble it sometimes. This is not perfectly scripted out. I'm going to start at a very, very high level on this. And this was prompted by a mom who has a son with ADHD. I am going to frame this discussion based on ADHD because that is the most common diagnosis that many of us struggle with.

4:08But I know we can apply this to kids who struggle with OCD, ODD, which I hate that label, all kinds of different. If your kids are on the spectrum, we can apply these same principles. And if I don't cover it in enough detail, email me and I could do a separate one at some point. But I think this will get you started. So I'm going to go slowly, give you a different perspective. So let's start really high level. I want to demonstrate the absurdity of what we do to our kids by showing how absurd this would be. Imagine this. Do parents of neurotypical kids sit their child down in a very serious manner and say, son, daughter, you have something called energy deficit disorder.

5:08It means, the good part is It means you can sit still a lot And it means that teachers love you You don't blurt out It's easier for you now in school But what we want you to know is You're different than those other kids in class Who are always moving And have a lot of energy And so those kids will probably grow up And be emergency room doctors EMTs, pilots, sales people Inventors, entrepreneurs They're very active with their brains Oh, they'll be search and rescue people And their brains And the way that their bodies work Because of all of that energy Man, that really helps them And well, you just don't have that much energy And so that may be a deficit For many jobs in the real world So we're going to try A low dose of amphetamines So you can be like them So you're not confined to a boring office job.

6:08Now, I understand that is not a perfect analogy, but if you flip it around with our kids, that's often what we do with labeling them as hyperactive. They're only hyperactive, not only, but partially they got that label because they're in an arbitrary environment in which they have to be still for six or seven hours a day, day after day. If our kids were in different environments that they get to choose when they're adults, all those jobs I've noticed throughout my life, because we live out West here and there's a lot of search and rescue people and I've met EMTs and pilots. Most of them have ADHD.

6:55They're ideally suited toward that. But we try to fix our kids, but other people don't try to fix their kids' weaknesses. Let me do one more. Parents of neurotypical kids don't sit down. And you can apply this to yourself, right? Because most of you probably have a neurotypical kid, probably the easier kid, and then the neurodivergent kid, the ADHD kid, or on the spectrum kid. You don't sit your other kids down Son, daughter, you have hyper-focus deficit disorder See, you're not capable of hyper-focusing Your brain works so that you can focus on many different things at once And that's really helpful in school It's just ineffective to focus on unimportant things It's better to hyper-focus and you have a deficit in that.

7:54See, in the real world, after you get out of school, your inability to hyper-focus will be a disadvantage. See, other kids in class, oh, they hyper-focus. They get more done in a short period of time. They can see patterns. That's a superpower. So here's what we're gonna do. We're going to sign you up for a couple classes a week. We're gonna spend our time and money on these extra classes two days a week. So after you've been at school all day long, we're going to send you to these classes to teach you how to be like the other kids, to teach you how to hyper focus. And then we're going to put pressure on you to change your nature because we paid all this money and we have so much anxiety about you having this deficit and not being like the other kids that we're going to put this pressure on you to change, even though it won't ever work.

8:47But it seems all the rage now to focus on fixing weaknesses instead of cultivating strengths. Now, I used a little absurdity there because I want you to see how absurd it is many times, often for us with our kids, oh, we're sending them to different classes. Let me teach you this new skill that our kids will never learn because one, they don't need to learn it. They only need it for this period of their life. And I know it makes it harder in school when you struggle with short-term memory, when you're moving all the time. I understand that. We will get to that later. But this emphasis on changing our kids is devastating to our kids because they begin to internalize your less than.

9:37There's something wrong with you. We need to change your nature. So I encourage you, do not hyper-focus on our kids' deficits or weaknesses. Many of them are only weaknesses because the standards are arbitrary. Okay, let's stay high level. I want to use this analogy. So take a basketball team. There are usually five complementary players, a shooting guard, point guard, a couple forwards, and the center. And they all have different strengths and weaknesses that complement each other. So there's a player in the NBA named Steph Curry. He is one of the greatest shooters in the history of the game.

10:24He's a great scorer. He also happens to be 6 '2", 185 pounds. The average NBA player is 6 '7", 215 pounds. You get a guy like LeBron James is 6 '9", 250. So Steph Curry is tiny compared to his competitors. But he is one of the greatest shooters. But imagine that every day when he went into practice, his coach said, Steph, you're not rebounding well. And for those who don't know the game, rebounding is someone shoots, a misses, the ball hits off the backboard, And usually it's the taller players grab the rebound. Well, naturally, he's not going to be a great rebounder. And so Steph Curry replies, well, coach, I'm one of the best three-point shooters in the game.

11:19And the response to him, yeah, but your grade, your performance, your salary, Steph, is based on doing everything well. See, that's kind of the standard we give our kids. And what we say in school is your grade is based on doing everything well. When the real world, that's just not how it works. So Steph Curry would reply, Coach, I'm 6 '2". Everybody's 6 '7". Rebounding is for the big guys or the taller ladies in WNBA. that's not a good use of my talents. And then the coach would say, well, that sounds like an excuse. If you would just apply yourself, Steph, you would be better at this. I think you have rebounding deficit disorder or height deficit disorder.

12:14Now, my point is, number one, it won't work to ask someone to work against their nature. For Steph Curry to put energy into learning to rebound better, one, it won't work. And two, there is an opportunity cost. Because if every day at practice he is trying to rebound, what happens to his shooting skills? They atrophy. They suffer. And so it's like asking Babe Ruth to bunt or to work on stealing bases. Or Michelangelo, like, you've got to do a better job at accounting. it's like that's not where I want your energy it's like asking me to be a handyman I'm not, I won't ever be it would just cause a lot of frustration and all the time I'm spent swearing because I can't figure things out well I'm not doing what I'm really good at and that's why many of our kids get angry and frustrated and shut down and my point is it is only with our kids that we focus almost solely on their weaknesses We don't do it to other kids.

13:22We don't do it to other adults. So before we drill down to your family, let me make this very personal. So I know people who have ADHD. I am one. Our son is one. And other diagnoses. These are very real struggles that impact people. I'm not denying that. I'm trying to place it in context and give perspective. so we don't destroy our kids' confidence when they're little because that is very hard to get back. Want to reduce stress and de-escalate with the kids? Just go outside. Seriously, the fresh air changes moods and leads to better talks. We've been spending so much more time outside since getting that rocking bench for our porch from Wayfair.com.

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16:22For experiences like no other, there's nothing like platinum. Learn more at americanexpress.com slash explore dash platinum. Terms apply. So before we drill down to your family, let me make this personal. And I want you to know, people who are diagnosed with ADHD and other diagnoses, they encounter very real struggles in daily life. So I am not denying that or minimizing that. I'm trying to place this in context and perspective. While I was working on this particular podcast, I really struggled because of my ADHD. And because of the way that my brain is wired, this was harder for me. I also think there are some aspects of my ADHD that make this podcast better or different than someone who would be addressing this who doesn't have this.

17:19So here's what was hard about it. There are so many details. I have so many notes. It was very overwhelming. Now typically, the way my brain works, it's an advantage So I'll get in a mode where I'm thinking about a podcast And I get a lot of clarity and I'm like boom, boom, boom And oftentimes I will write and record three podcasts in a day Or it might be over the course of two days But it's because my mind gets in a certain headspace It might be an email that I replied to and I was like, oh that's really good I can expand that and make that into a podcast. I might be drawing on an experience I had with Casey or something we used to talk about at our live events.

18:06And that makes it easier. And I get in a certain headspace and that hyper focus means, oh, I just nailed three of them really well. Now with this one, it's overwhelming. And I had, there's so many points to make and I'm trying to be precise and creative. And so thinking hard for protracted periods of time is difficult for me. And so I want to escape and do something else because it is taxing mentally, emotionally, even physically to really drill down and think about this. So I wanted to escape and put it off for another day. But here's the process that I use, the tools I use to get this done. So for me, I have to lay out the big picture first.

19:05Until I have a theme and outline something visual, the big picture, I can't fill in the details. And I did that over the course of a couple of days. So I was working on other podcasts, but this one was always in the back of my mind because there's a mom who's waiting for my answer. And I do care and I do want to help people and I want to help this mom. So I couldn't put it off too long. So I was holding myself accountable. So I laid out the outline And then I've hiked over the past few days Because I'm very mission oriented And I really want this mission I have to brag about this really quickly So in the first five months of the year I have hiked 500 miles and 100 ,000 feet of vertical climbing Which is an immense amount I've never come close to that And it's because I'm very fortunate and lucky That I have the time and opportunities to do that But I set that record yesterday and it was on these recent hikes that I've been really meditating on this.

20:09And Mrs. Calm is out of town with family. So I had this extra time to really think about this and just let things process through my head. The basketball analogy, I know exactly where I was on the trail when that one came to me. And so that helps me out. And so what's hard is, okay, now I come home from the hike and I have to sit down and think. Put all these thoughts together in a coherent way. So here are some things that I use for that. One, I went for my hike and then I went to the gym because I did some weights. When I came home, I knew the endorphins are flowing and I have a lot of clarity.

20:47So I sit down and start doing some work. I play intense music. intense music is often very good for your kids brains when they're learning and we'll get to that a little bit later so i started filling in the details then i would take breaks so i tend to work on projects like this i do a short burst and i would complete one section i'd be like okay that's good then i take a break i take a shower or i'd eat something or i'd call mrs calm and we would discuss it because that gave me more clarity. So short bursts, get a reward. The motivation is extremely important for us. Many of your kids are not lazy.

21:33It is just that they are not motivated, but you've seen this with your kids. If your kids are into something or they can get ready on time, they can remember all the details of their favorite movie or precise things about a passion that they have, but if you ask them to put their shoes on or remember something else, they just can't do it. So the motivation for me was, I wanna do this right, and I wanna help this mom, and I do wanna help you. Time compression, a very valuable tool for people with ADHD. So the time compression part was this. I told myself yesterday, you are not going to bed until this is laid out and you can record it.

22:21And so I had a mission and I was not letting myself off of that. And for whatever reason, compressing time with a mission is extremely valuable. Now, I know some people will find medication helpful. It's just not my thing because I wanted to find natural ways to do this for me. But as I was writing this, I was really struggling. but for me the positives of ADHD outweigh the negatives and I'm glad I have it in case he says he's glad that he has it that's not always the case and I understand that but I want to show you a different way now as we drill down to have this discussion with your kids okay something just happened I want to share with you and this podcast is very different I just recorded the next section But I wasn't really happy with it And so I swore And hopefully I'll record over that Unless some of you really like that And I was like, ugh, I'm not getting it So all of a sudden I get four new ideas For you to try In the next few days And so now I'm super excited Because I have new ideas And I think this is going to resonate So let me begin with this Setting up the discussion Look, I'm actually really angry that we have to have this talk with our kids.

23:46I do not want it to be negative. I do not want it to be fear-based. And I want to reframe this discussion. I don't want you to talk to your kids about their diagnosis. I want you to shift your entire perspective and just begin talking as a family about each person's relative strengths and weaknesses because all human beings have strengths and weaknesses. And usually there's a corresponding nature. Usually if you have a weakness, you have a related strength that counteracts that, counterbalances that. And I also don't want to make this about one child in the family because mom, dad, son, daughter, all of your kids, all of you, you have strengths and weaknesses.

24:35So I want you to normalize this instead of being like, well, we need to talk to our child because he struggles. Well, you struggle. I struggle. Your spouse struggles. Your other kids struggle in certain areas. But I want you to talk about and show your kids how you actually chose careers based on how your brain works best. One of you may be a very linear thinker, very good with numbers. You're very orderly And you can mock yourself a little bit In front of your kids Have you ever noticed that I'm orderly? Yeah, dad, you freak out When you come home from work And there are Legos on the floor We can tell that really triggers you Yeah, it does Because that's how my brain is wired And that's what makes me a very good accountant See, a company pays me money For my strengths They don't care about my weaknesses is.

25:30And so the other spouse, the other parent can say, hey, I'm super creative, but I'm not really good at following through in these areas. And you'll notice I'm not great with details. And so have you guys ever noticed that I leave post-it notes everywhere? Yeah, I don't have good short term memory, but I'm super creative and a company pays me money for my creativity. And you can take it down through the kids. And so here are some games even that you could play. You could get a whiteboard out or just a poster board. Ask your kids, start with you. Hey, have you guys ever noticed, can you make a list, what are my strengths and weaknesses as a dad?

26:18What are my, what are moms and you start doing this and they can start talking about each other. Now, I know this has potential for like, you stink at this, but I don't want it to be that. So you could actually make it a game. I love this idea. Hey, who am I describing? This person swears when little things go wrong or when they can't fix something and the kids are gonna be like, dad, that's dad. You'd be like, Absolutely. That is one of the things I really struggle with. But then you can mention strengths. And so you can do that with your kids and say, who am I describing? Who comes up with really interesting ideas?

27:01Who can see patterns and who invents things? Oh, that's my brother. He's fantastic at that. And so you can normalize this instead of it being about one person. Now, I really like these two analogies. You could say, hey, if our family were a basketball team or a soccer team, whatever it is, or football team, who would play each position? And so you can start to talk about those things of like, yeah, because you're better at this and she's better at that. And I really like this one. Let's say that we were going to start a family business. Who would do the marketing? Who would do the finances? And you can talk openly and say, oh, no way do we want him or her to be in charge of finances because they're not good at that.

27:55But, oh, she would be fantastic at sales and advertising. Who's going to manage the details of the business? Who's going to see by putting it in that context, everyone in your family can see, oh, we each have things we're really good at and things we're not good at. And so here's what we're going to do. This is getting a little long and I still have three pages of notes. I think I'm going to make an executive decision here. I want you to do some homework over the next few days, and then I'm going to get to very, very specific things with your kids with ADHD and other diagnoses. I want you over the next couple days to think about this and reframe it for yourself.

28:40Make a list of your family strengths and weaknesses and begin having these conversations with your kids. I would encourage you, make a list before I do the next episode. I'll release it in like two or three days of your child's strengths and weaknesses. And I'll just list some here from the next page. Difficulty paying attention if not interested in something. Short-term memory, following directions. They're impulsive. Multi-step processes are hard. Struggling with peers their own age, constantly needing to move. While strengths, hyper-focus, work on momentum, strategic and critical thinking. They're really good at being leaders Curious Initiative Taking action Seeing patterns Their old souls Good in the adult world Lots of good energy So I encourage you Start making that list If you have our programs Listen to the ADHD University program in particular Because I go through this in great detail If you do not have our programs Buy them on a special sale Or reach out to Casey He'll help you out with this You get them as an instant download.

29:50Let your kids listen to that. And then in the next episode, you will be ready to really drill down into specifics. So thank you for putting up with me in this episode Not being scripted I hope it didn't irritate you too much But really think about how to reframe this And what we're our ultimate goal is to Teach our kids how to use their brains best To be confident knowing Oh yeah, I've got some weaknesses And I'm going to have to overcome those And I'll develop some workarounds and strategies We'll talk about that next but I really need to be excited about the fact that I have some unique gifts and talents that I bring to the world.

30:34And man, I'm going to use those to change things. Okay. I've talked enough. Love you all. Thank you for working through this. If we can help you, let us know. Bye-bye.

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