What Your Wife Wants For Mother’s Day (Besides No More Fights At Dinner & Bedtime!) #588

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0:41Plus, you get a 100-night trial and a 10-year warranty. Cozy earth goes where your day goes. Head to CozyEarth.com and use code CALM for 20 % off. Please mention you heard about CozyEarth from the Calm Parenting Guy. That's CozyEarth.com, code calm for 20 % off. You're going to love this. So many of our neurodivergent ADHD and PDA kids struggle with school refusal this time of year because they're emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. So I encourage you to check out IXL as a positive alternative at IXL.com slash Kirk. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12.

1:23On IXL, Kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. And IXL allows our kids to learn at their own pace and be independent. For kids like ours, the best learning is fun and interactive. We know so many kids who love IXL because their video tutorials and games just help kids feel smart and successful. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

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2:40Well, Framer's localization tool to help your site go live wherever you need it would be so helpful in making that a reality. Get your site summer ready with the website builder that more and more businesses are turning to. Learn how you can get more out of your dot com from our Framer specialist or get started building for free today at Framer.com slash TC Daily for 30 % off of Framer Pro annual plan. That's Framer.com slash TC Daily for 30 % off. Framer.com slash TC Daily. Rules and restrictions may apply. Kirk, you irritate me. That was the subject line of an email that I got that is the inspiration for this episode.

3:17And it was a father and husband who emailed this. He said, Kirk, when my wife first sent me your podcast, I was skeptical and you irritated me. I told my wife, he has too many ads on this podcast. And she just smiled. And over time, I found myself changing and my kids began responding differently to me. So then my wife said, hey, we need to take this to the next level. We need to buy the downloadable programs. And I, of course, said, we don't need that. And I dismissed her concerns. But we bought them. And I saw that there was a program called Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms. And I was curious.

3:53So I began listening to that on my commute because I've only ever looked at things from a dad's point of view. So it was enlightening. And one insight that jumped out to me is that my wife's voice was never heard when she was a kid. She was always dismissed, and her parents never really listened to her. And then she married me, and I'm afraid I've been dismissive until you told me to grow. So now that I am aware of that, I am actually helping my wife kind of find her confidence in speaking up and being assertive as a person. So I'm actually involved in helping heal this childhood wound instead of making it worse.

4:38And I'm helping her break the pattern. And so he said, this is interesting, and I can relate to this as a guy. I've always found my work really gratifying. And I'm into fitness and investing and I get a lot of satisfaction out of that. But I never knew relationships could be this gratifying. That's a really good insight. And that is amazing. And I should just end the podcast here and say, go listen to the programs together and help each other break your patterns. But this dad also asked for ideas for a meaningful Mother's Day gift for his wife. Besides stopping those fights at the dinner table in bedtime.

5:19So that is what we're going to discuss on today's special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Irritating Kirk Martin. You can find us on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. I'm very active there. And we have our special PDA parent podcast at CelebrateCalm.com slash PDA. So look, I'm not going to speak for your wife or the moms out there. Ask her. Ask your wife and then listen. Really listen. and then get her something she's mentioned in passing or told you directly that she wants. And at some point you need to step up and surprise her. Look, be vulnerable, take a risk, get your wife a gift that she didn't have to tell you to get.

6:05That shows you've listened to her. And I remember the first few times I tried getting creative gifts for Mother's Day and Christmas and her birthday. It was scary. What if I get her something stupid? Well, that's a distinct possibility it happened. But what she most appreciated was knowing I wasn't going through the motions. I was putting extra thought into it. By the way, I tend to think in themes. So I like coming up with a theme for it because then I can get different things that all relate to that. It just helps me with kind of piecing together things a little bit creatively. So one of the best gifts I ever did was I organized a getaway weekend with a few of her good friends.

6:46But that was only after I'd learned how to control myself so she didn't have to spend the entire weekend wondering when she'd be getting calls from home. I also began getting a sure thing, like a safe gift. Now that's anything from Cozy Earth. And I just use code CALM. You'll get an extra special discount. But she loves everything from there, and so do I. I'm actually wearing my cozy earth right now. And then try something a little more risky. Look, I had some bombs, but she was gracious because I tried. One more thing. Your wife will appreciate this even more if you do it consistently throughout the year, not just one day as an obligation in May.

7:29So set a calendar reminder. Bring home flowers. You forgot to do that. Send her a card in the mail, letting her know how lucky you are that your kids have the best mom ever. Now, for the dad who emailed this and all the men out there who are actively working on your own anger issues, being emotionally supportive of your wife, learning how to de-escalate situations and breaking those generational patterns, kudos to you. I am proud of you. This is harder, more taxing work than your job. But it is an indescribable gift you're giving to yourself because you're becoming someone you respect and can be proud of.

8:10It's a gift to your wife because she no longer has to walk on eggshells around you or manage your emotions or mother you. And it's a gift to your kids because they're not going to grow up with the same wounds and dysfunction you and I have had to overcome. and that has likely sabotaged some of your relationships and success in life. My guess is that for most moms, this is the greatest gift you could ever give her. To know that when your intense, strong-willed child begins to melt down or act out, her nervous system doesn't have to be on high alert, wondering who to calm first, you or your child.

8:50She doesn't have to be the referee between her child and the man she married. She doesn't have to be afraid to bring up some uncomfortable issues, knowing that will be met with denial or anger or dismissive or manipulative tone. So keep doing this. Keep changing. Everything else is likely just a bonus for your wife. But let's do a little straight talk and some helpful strategies for all the guys out there, especially those who are a little bit resistant to change. Whenever mom emails about her husband, my first questions are, hey, what was his father like? And do you think he feels helpless to change?

9:32Because I had a horrible role model as my dad, and I felt helpless at first. Like, how am I supposed to acquire these relationship skills when no one has ever shown me as a guy? All I've ever been taught my entire life is how to compete and win, and I'm good at that. but no one has ever showed me how to be good at relationships or to actually control my emotions in fact I'll just say like I was taught to use my emotions as a weapon to get what I wanted that's what I have three brothers that's what we were taught by our dad so that's not an excuse I just want guys to know I know how hard this is and I'm always willing to help any guy who humbles himself and says, man, I really need some help.

10:18So let's go through a quick list of things to stop doing as a husband and father. And everything I'm going to mention, I was guilty of doing myself. I used to react and start escalating with my son, and then my wife would step in. When that happens, we as men are tempted to say, well, she's undermining me. She's undermining my authority. No, you are undermining your own authority because you abdicate your authority and leadership role when you're not leading. You are reacting. Your child is in control of you. She wouldn't have to be forced to step in if you could control yourself. And she's not coddling your child.

11:04She's probably coddling you. So look, no blame or guilt. Just own that. When your wife brings something up, how often do you dismiss it? Oh honey, you're just overreacting. There's no reason to be upset or worried. I don't do that. And I will tell you that hurts your wife more than you know. And I used to do that because I couldn't handle hard emotional things. So I dismiss and or ignore it. But that will catch up to you in your relationship. So many of us have wives who were never allowed to speak up at home. They were made to be the good girl and the people pleaser. So when you're, think about this, when your wife takes a chance, it's a risk and tries to be assertive to tell you that something needs to change.

11:58She is battling a lot of fear and overcoming a lot of childhood pain. So when you dismiss her concerns, it's devastating. And what you don't want is when she eventually stops asking, that's a bad sign because then she's given up and you don't want that. So ask her. Just ask your wife. Does this happen? Do I dismiss you? And then don't get angry when she says yes. and by the way, notice if your wife says things to you sheepishly. That's not the way it's supposed to be. You didn't get married so that your wife has to come and say, Honey, I really need to ask you something. No, you want someone who's confident and will call you on your BS.

12:48You know why? Because we as men are really good at BS and we hide behind that and it is such a gift not to have a critical wife but to have a wife who will come and say you know that's bs you're better than that and they can see through some of our immaturity that's a great thing when you can do that for each other so you have an opportunity to help your wife like the dad who emailed to be the confident person she was meant to be how cool would that be to be instrumental in the growth of your wife and yourself Stop apologizing and promising, right? Because we say, oh, I'll do better. I did that.

13:29It became empty words. Just like threatening your kids with consequences you can't keep. Eventually, your wife and kids don't respect what you say. The best apology is to actually change. So put as much effort into changing yourself as you have into your career in sports, investing, your hobbies. And I'm ashamed to say I used to do this really manipulative stuff, right? I was good dad, basically, but I ended up somehow sabotaging every evening somehow, whether it was nitpicking my son at the dinner table or yelling at bedtime or overreacting. And I'd see the disappointment and disapproval on my wife's face, and then I'd get defensive.

14:09Fine, you know what? You guys would be better off without me. And then I'd storm out to the garage and stew in my anger, my confusion, my embarrassment, my helplessness before having to kind of slink back inside like nothing happened. And you might be a master at that, right? Fine. Everything I do is wrong. Why don't you just do everything with the kids and I'll just go earn the money? And you can tell when you're saying these things, you're like that helpless six-year-old. So catch yourself and just own it. Now, if you're too passive or withdraw while your wife is forced to be the bad guy, then learn how to step up and support her.

14:47You just need some new tools and skills. And I used to think, well, if the kids would just stop, would just listen and do what I said, then I wouldn't react and yell. Well, that's BS and you know it. Stop making excuses and blaming a child. Just be honest and own it. Look, I have anger issues. I'm too reactive. I yell and I shouldn't. I'm immature and expect the kids to control their emotions, but I can't control my own. It's like I need my kids to behave so that I can behave. Those are just honest statements. This will actually cause your family to respect you more. And it's a way to then hold yourself accountable.

15:25No blame, no guilt. We're all flawed, immature creatures. Everybody struggles with something. So just own it. Wives, I just encourage you, when you see your husband making progress in an area, recognize it. Short and sweet. You know what? I've noticed. I noticed how you caught yourself at dinner tonight. That saved the whole night. Hey, I've noticed you being more patient with the kids. See, we're accustomed to being validated in our jobs, in sports, and finances, but not usually with emotional or relational things. So it's really meaningful. So what can we start doing now? So if you come out west this summer, email me.

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16:43It's finally something delicious you can actually feel good about giving your kids. That's why we keep Cure packets in our car, backpacks, and book bags. Go to curehydration.com. Use promo code CALM for 20 % off your first order. That's curehydration.com, code calm for 20 % off your first order. You know I like being stress-free. That's why we rely on our Cove Home Security System. It's simple, affordable, gives us peace of mind. Keeping family safe used to mean expensive installation and complicated long-term contracts. Not anymore. I installed our Cove system myself in 30 minutes. I'm not even a handy.

17:23Cove has easy peel and stick sensors, no drilling, no wires, and professional monitoring with rapid response starting at less than a dollar a day. So if you're on vacation or your kids are home alone or if we're out hiking a mountain, Cove has live video and audio streaming straight to your phone so you can see what's happening in real time. Start this spring season off right. Order your Cove system today at covesmart.com. slash CPP. Head to covesmart.com slash CPP or use code CPP at checkout for up to 70 % off your first order. And please let them know you heard about Cove from this podcast. I think you're really going to love this.

18:06We know homework time can be incredibly stressful with our kids, so consider getting a tutor and outside voice your kids will listen to with Wiseant. Wiseant is the nation's largest network of tutors with more than 65 ,000 expert tutors across 350 subjects wiseant makes it easy to get personalized one-on-one online support for your child that fits your busy schedule and budget wiseant makes it easy to find the right tutor you can browse profiles and read reviews and your first hours protected by wiseant's good fit guarantee no subscriptions, no costly packages just the help you need when you need it help your child succeed in school and boost their confidence with Wyzant go to Wyzant.com that's W-Y-Z-A-N-T dot com and book your first lesson today and just for Calm Parenting Podcast listeners use code PODCAST15 to enjoy$15 off your first lesson visit Wyzant.com and give your child the tools they need to thrive I think the biggest change for most of us as men is to learn how to de-escalate situations.

19:18Because I was naturally good at escalating. And I've recorded countless episodes with so many different ways to do this. But for the next week, just do the opposite of what you've likely been doing. Don't react. Don't take things personally. Sit. Sit in the midst of the next emotional situation without trying to fix it. Just sit and observe because sitting helps deescalate. It changes your tone of voice. And it's really cool what happens when you slow your world down and you do this because you become an expert problem solver, which many of you are at work. So do that at home. In fact, look for the next week.

20:01Talk to your kids like you would talk to a colleague or a young promising intern at work that you're mentoring. See, at work, we don't walk around angry at everyone and criticizing them, unless you're a jerk, right? Not a good leader. We problem solve. We teach. I mean, just think about an ER doctor. How do they respond when a patient is brought in, a victim of like a gunshot wound at 2 a.m.? Does the ER doctor scream and blame the patient for bleeding on their ER room floor? No. The ER doctor takes their vitals, stabilizes the patient, gets to the root of the issue, problem solves, and then leads their team.

20:45That's cool. See, we're good at that in the work world. Let's start doing that at home. So I want you to become that husband and father that your wife and kids trust and respect. The guy no one has to fear coming home from work. Like that was my entire childhood was fearing. Is my dad going to come home and hit my mom or start yelling at us, right? Be that guy who, when you're driving, you don't hold your family hostage like I used to, right? While we're raging at other drivers and your family is kind of white knuckling it, hoping you don't crash or flip someone off. And it's kind of funny. I began emailing with a guy whose email inspired this episode.

21:31And we were talking about this dynamic, how we as guys get, sometimes we get this, we get really intense and we'll rant about money or politics or little things. And that can put our wives on edge, even though inside we're not really that upset. It's kind of like listening to Italian people talk. You think they're fighting and it's like, no, they're just kind of intense and they're doing it like this. And he said, yeah, I kept complaining about that, your ads on your podcast. And my wife finally said, seriously, this guy's basically saved your marriage and family. You don't want to get paid to give you free advice.

22:07And you won't blanket spending$500 on your hobbies, but you'll get all worked up about spending$5 per month to get 500 episodes with no ads on them. And he replied, well, I have to complain about something, honey. That's how a lot of us are, but we don't have to be like that. So by the way, if you want, you can subscribe. We have an ad-free version at celebratecom.com. And I priced it low just so it's easy. So here's one of my favorite gifts to give your wife. So go to your wife and say, hey, honey, every Tuesday night or one night a week or once every two weeks or once a month, I'm going to handle homework, dinner and bedtime with the kids.

22:51You can go out by yourself. You can go out with a friend. You can just sit in the car all alone. I don't care. but I'll handle everything and you don't have to worry that when you get home you're going to have to clean up an emotional mess with the kids. Ask her how she'd like that as a gift because the truth is she probably does that for you all the time and you never look I'll just make it me. When I was a young dad, I never had to worry. Like if I had to work late or if I went out with some friends, I was never worrying about getting a call from home. Right? Of saying like, oh, the kids are all wound up.

23:39I don't know what to do. No. I didn't have to worry. But sometimes our wives have to do that for us. There's that constant taking the emotional temperature of the home even when they're not in the home. So do that for your wife. Okay, two new traditions to handle conflict because a lot of guys get defensive when their wives speak up or point things out that need to change. So here are a couple new traditions you can practice together. So have a kind of tap out tradition, a code word, a signal, a nonverbal, a nice touch on the shoulder that you two give each other before things escalate. So at the dinner table, right, dad's getting kind of upset.

24:19that it could be something where your wife gets up and she goes to the cupboard and says, oh, honey, could you come help me reach this? See, it gives you an out and she doesn't have to correct you in front of the kids. Here's another one in our call. We've got, if you do get the program, it's part of the Calm Parenting Bundle. There's a Calm Couples program. So you don't have to go to couples therapy, which most guys hate. Or guys go and they end up charming. Watch how we do this stuff, guys. right? I did this too. I'm guilty of all of it. You go in and you'll charm and disarm the therapist, right?

24:58I don't want that anymore. So we go through on ways to handle conflict without withdrawing. So practices. So a situation comes up. Each of you, you share your perspective, but you don't try to counter it or prove your point. You can ask follow-up questions, but only for clarity. You're just laying out your thoughts and your opinions in the open with neither of you. Neither of you get to react. Then you take 12 hours or 24 hours or when both of you are ready before you respond. And during that time, your goal is to seek to understand what your spouse is saying, to see where there's a kernel of truth while also better defining what you disagree with or what needs to be understood better.

25:46and this takes the pressure off of trying to decide who's right in the moment and then withdrawing or running off and it eliminates that defensiveness it allows you to really think through things overnight you both feel heard you both have time to step into each other's shoes and it prevents that dynamic I was always guilty of when my wife was telling me something I was too busy formulating my response to actually hear her. So I'm just going to do this short and sweet, a blunt talk with men. I want you to know if you don't change, this is exactly what's going to happen. You and your wife will begin drifting apart.

26:27It may have already started. The respect will be gone. The kids will gradually stop connecting with you. That's what got me to change. I noticed my son wasn't coming to me anymore to play or ask for advice. And many guys inside will be like, well, this is too hard and I'm not good at this relationship stuff. So I'll just throw myself further into my work because that's the one thing you feel like you have control of and mastery over. But then you begin living divided lives. And when the kids get older, the divorce comes. And now 50 % of what you put all that effort into is gone. But the worst part is the regret from not ever really growing up or having a close connection with your kids.

27:12I promise you, you do not want that. So let's do the relationship work. So I want you to ask each other this, what is one thing I could begin doing differently that would make a difference in the home? Just one, something small and simple and then begin doing that. So here's a real life example for a dad who would end the day by getting upset at his son every night at bedtime. So look, have a plan. I wish I had so many of these nights back. I could have bonded and built so many great memories instead of kind of making it so everybody went to bed upset. And I know you're tired, but so is your child.

27:53And that means you're more emotionally vulnerable in a good way. So you walk in and you lie down next to your child. And then you bring up a topic your child is interested in. Or you ask your son or daughter their opinion about a current event. Or even a business question like, hey, what do you think? How should I do this? Case and I would have talks, hey, who's the best classic rock guitarist? Why do you like this team, this car, this food better than others? You could tell stories from your own childhood. You talk about history, war, cars, whatever your child is interested in, and then you listen to them.