When & Where To Draw The Line With Your Kids (Let the Kid Wear His Cowboy Hat!) #520

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2:19When do you insist that your kids just get with the program? And when do you accommodate their preferences or their anxiety? Do you have family members or a spouse who claim tough consequences will just change this child's behavior? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. And join me on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. I'm very active there, answer a lot of questions. It's an awesome, supportive community. So I am super excited about this episode.

2:54Here's the setup. There's a family wedding coming up, and this mom emails because she has a very strong-willed child who is also a sensory kid. And I'll just say this based on working with a million families and being one of these kids kind of as an adult myself. He's just a quirky kid, like I'm a quirky adult. and I'll often choose comfort both physically and emotionally over other things and that makes me a little odd at times. So this is a kid who puts on his cowboy hat the moment he gets up every morning. It's kind of like his comforter. Now mom has persuaded her son to wear an uncomfortably hot suit, tie, and closed-toed nice shoes to the wedding and for those of you who have these kids you know that's a big deal and and doesn't look even as i'm saying this to like most parents it's like really really that's what you struggle with and you're like yeah you have no idea how long that took this mom to get her son to agree to that and they're gonna be like well she's not being the parent if i were the parent we'll get to that and so the mom has been told hey he can't wear his cowboy hat to the wedding.

4:13And I want you to hear the mom's words because I bet you have been in the same quandary before. And she said, if we can just get through the day without a volcanic eruption, it's a win for me. I can't force him not to wear this hat. He's just refusing point blank. And he will definitely start the day highly volatile if I even attempt to force it. And again, I'm going to interrupt here. I think sometimes moms, especially, they are trapped in this situation of like, you know this child. And yet there are five or 10 or 20 other people saying, oh, you don't know what you're doing. You just need to tell them how it works.

4:56And yet this mom knows, like, I know how it's going to start. I've seen this before. I've done this before. And so I hope you can feel that because I'm actually feeling it myself in this. and I've heard this story because she does. Anyway, how on earth do you navigate these highly charged family events without falling out with your family? Or do I have to quote, teach him, he can't always get his own way, like my dad is saying, but it feels really wrong to expect this much from him. And then some of you I know, like me, and like this mom are like, well, but am I asking too much from him? Like this isn't shouldn't be that hard.

5:37Am I creating an entitled child? All those things are normal feelings. So let's break this down piece by piece. And this is going to challenge some of you. And you're going to have to wrestle with these conflicting thoughts and ideas with these kids throughout childhood. And ultimately realize there is no right answer. There is just the answer that works for you and your family. So number one, the grandfather, this mom's dad is correct. You can't always get your way or do what you want. And with 90 % of kids, I push it and go down that path. And there are times when I do advocate telling your strong-willed child, hey, the world doesn't revolve around you.

6:20This isn't about you. It's about your sister's recital or your grandpa's 80th birthday. So I get that. But you and I both know what kids like ours are like. It's just different. and no one will understand because they haven't suffered through the inexplicable meltdowns that you can't even explain or understand. But you have endured them. You've seen the look on your child's face, heard their cries and pleas, and you felt helpless to help them, sometimes while a judgmental spouse blames you for it. And you're simply going to have to wrestle with this and feel conflicted. look in a black and white world the grandfather is absolutely correct and much of the time i do want to communicate very clearly hey it's not all about you the world doesn't revolve around you it's about your sister your grandfather your classmates and that sometimes is the right approach to take and then you are going to get to situations like this you know this kid is to is willing to fall on his sword here to die on this hill i'm not saying it's right or he's right where it's optimal.

7:27I am saying it just is. And you deal with the hand that you've been given. And there are times when you say, if I push even a little, this kid is going to have a complete meltdown in the middle of the wedding and ruin the ceremony. So in this particular case, the child has already agreed to wear a suit, which is a big win. But I am not going to require him to take off his hat and you're going to be judged. Although by the end of the podcast, I'm going to give you a strategy that I think will actually work to get him to take off that hat. So look, your dad is right, but you are writer, right? You're more right.

8:07Principles are helpful guidelines in life, but sometimes you choose specific wisdom and compassion over doing what's right. Okay, number two, let's get to consequences because that's where everyone logically goes. Well, if we make the consequences harsh enough, that kid will take off the cowboy hat. Yeah, let's say that you do push and pursue the path most other parents would. All this says to me is that you fundamentally misunderstand strong-willed kids. You can take away his video games or screens for a year, And he will say, fine, I don't even care about my stupid screens anyway. Because your kids don't care about losing things.

8:50They do not want to lose their autonomy. And in this case, I'd say it's even more than that. It's emotional safety. And you can rightly say, Kirk, you're being too soft here. You're just making excuses. And I would think that as well. But let me take a stab at this. when I was a kid I wore my hair long not because I wanted to be like David Cassidy that was my oldest brother but because I could hide behind those long bangs I was extremely shy as a kid and hiding my eyes behind long hair I realized later in life was a way to provide some measure of emotional safety if you know our story you know that I was the third born who watched my mom and two older brothers get hit by an abusive father.

9:37So I became an expert at observing, seeing patterns, hiding. It was smart. It was smart of that little child in me. Why? Because it kept me from getting hit. And I think to some degree, this young kid is hiding a bit as well. Who knows why? And to be honest, who cares if he does? If he likes wearing a leather cowboy hat every day because it brings him some measure of comfort? Who cares? Every single person in your family, an extended family, hides or uses something to manage their anxiety or insecurity. Some people drink, some smoke, some rely on pills, some are very controlling, some are people pleasers.

10:22And I sometimes run things through this prism. Is this a moral issue? Is the child being mean or doing something hurtful? No, it's just an immaturity issue. Just like your family's reaction demonstrates their rigidity and immaturity. You could argue that it's selfish and therefore a moral issue, right? Like take off your hat at your cousin's wedding. But I don't think the real issue here is selfishness. Many of us do things out of self-preservation and insecurity that makes us feel kind of a little bit more comfortable. And the older I get, the more I defer to mercy and compassion. Wisdom says this kid is not taking off that hat.

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13:16That's W-A-Y-F-A-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So look, I'm a guy. It's my natural impulse, like for a lot of men to revert to those old school ideas and say, well, I bet I could make that kid take that hat off. And they're referring to oftentimes the belt or spanking, but I'll also include verbal or emotional spanking, so to speak. And that just tells me you don't understand human nature and the nature of your strong-willed child. You can threaten that. And most, look, I'll just say, most strong-willed kids, you know what they're going to do? They're going to go outside. They'll break a branch off a tree.

13:55They'll make a switch for you. Then come inside, pull their pants down, and invite the spanking. And they may even taunt you in the middle of it. Hey dad, you know what? I can't even feel it when you spank me. You might want to have mom do it instead. But I can say with certainty, after working with a million families, this will be the real result. Every time you take a physical or emotional or verbal whack at them, they will take it. But inside, with every single whack, whether that's verbal, emotional, or physical, they will utter this. And I do not mean to offend you, but I want this to be visceral with every verbal whack or taunt or emotional guilt trip that you put on them.

14:46Here's what they will say inside. F you dad, F you dad, F you dad. And they will grin and bear it. And you will drive anger and frustration and confusion and defiance deep down into this child and it will rear its ugly head one day especially when they are as big or bigger than you and you will have created a bloody mess physically and emotionally and relationally and this includes verbal and emotional spankings your words and attitude can drive defiance and pain deep inside a child And this can take years and decades to undo the harm. And this is how it would really unfold if you tried that route.

15:32All the while, this child will be clutching his leather cowboy hat with both hands, fighting back tears, internalizing anger, and sometimes self-hatred and confusion. But this child will not let go of that hat. And you will not get your way. there is a better way and that begins with understanding these kids on a deeper level I guarantee you this kid has a big heart would do anything to help an animal or a homeless person he just has some quirks that he nurtures because it keeps him feeling safe and comfortable look you want strong-willed kids I can tell you they grow to be amazing adults it's just that you don't want the hard parts of it, but they will cause you to mature, to deal with your own triggers, your control issues, your own embarrassment instead of in front of your family.

16:32So number three. So the mom asked, hey, how can I navigate this without ruffling my family's feathers? And here's what I want you to know. You can't. It's going to happen. People in your family are going to be mad at you. They're going to be disappointed. They're going to judge you as a mother or a father. They are going to create drama and blame you for not disciplining your child or properly controlling or raising him. They are going to take something small and be immature about it. And you are going to feel defensive and awful. That's how it works. Stop Stop trying to prevent or avoid that.

17:15Just know it's going to happen. Stop trying to make everyone happy. It never works. It can't work. Stop being responsible for other people's immature responses and judgment. There is no way to handle this without you getting judged by your family. You can't do it. Let it go. Instead, prepare for it. Steal yourself for it. I've done podcasts before on dealing with judgmental relatives. Your most important strategy? Confidence. Even if you have to fake it. Be confident in your decision. Resist being defensive. Trust your instincts. Trust that you know your child better than anyone else. We used to get so defensive as parents because of Casey.

18:05And we'd second guess ourselves and constantly feel like we needed to explain why our son did certain things. or why we made certain decisions. But we discovered no one really cared. They just loved feeling superior and judging us and feeling better about themselves, whispering amongst themselves. So think about this. Why do we put all the onus or responsibility on a child instead of expecting more of the adults? Why can't the adult family members be more accepting and understanding of a kid who just wants to wear a cowboy hat? Why are the supposed grownups with all that life experience creating so much drama over nothing?

18:48It's not about giving in to your child or not expecting them to face some fears because most of your kids do this daily when they go to school or that martial arts class. They're facing their fears all the time. We just don't see it. By the way, that's probably why they come home and have a meltdown for you. They're taking out all that anxiety and stress on you after school because they held it together all day. But do not throw them under the bus because that's easier for you than facing your own parents' judgment or your family's disapproval. Because I did that before with Casey. Instead of standing up and doing the right thing, I would throw him under the bus because it was really hard, especially dealing with my dad until I finally learned how to speak up to him.

19:36Number five. So here is how I would handle this as a grown-up. And I would give this suggestion to your father, to the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. If I were the grandfather in this scenario, when my grandson walks into this event, I'm going to say, Man, I love that hat. Really good style you have. It looks great on you. Hey, I've got a challenge for you, grandson, because I like your cowboy look. When someone says a prayer, or they play the national anthem, or the bride walks down the aisle, a real cowboy takes his hat off and places it over his heart. I bet you could do that. Besides, no one's going to be watching you because they're going to be looking at the bride.

20:17I'm so glad you're here. Look, if you threaten or demand something from a strong-willed child, they will get defensive, they will resist more, they will fight you, and they will probably cause a scene at the wedding. but if you connect with that same child build them up and then challenge them with a very specific mission it usually works much better look in this example that i just did with a grandpa no one freaked out the child didn't hurt anyone nobody judged you you didn't have to justify yourself for your parenting no tribes were separated between the two new families a grown-up acted like a grown-up connected with a kid and everybody had a good time number six so maybe you don't have this exact situation with a cowboy hat at a wedding but you're going to have those moments when you wrestle with whether to force the issue and endure the meltdown or use wisdom and read the moment and you'll probably disagree with your spouse in the moment so i encourage you to do the following.

21:21Slow your world down inside. Just slow it down. Say no and crowd out other people's voices and pressure. I know this will sound harsh, but you have to stop really caring what your family and others think about a situation. They don't know your child like you do. They don't understand the battles you face daily and the landmines you crawl through every single day. Their opinion on this just doesn't count. Look, others will gladly give you advice from the safety of over there, but they won't be with you several hours later. Look, this is choking me up and I don't know what, but it's when your child is in a full rage, not only tearing up stuff, but beating himself or herself up because that's what's happening a lot with kids like this.

22:15and they're like, why can't I just take off a stupid cowboy hat? Why do I have to be different? Why is everybody always mad at me? And see, your family's over there doing something else at the wedding and you're dealing with this child that you love more than anything else and you don't know how to help that child. And they don't know that or understand that, but you do. And that's why I respect you and I trust your instincts better, moms and dads. Look, your kids are acutely aware at times that they have these quirks and preferences. that they're different from their cousins and siblings. I've felt that on a deep level myself.

22:50So it creates in them this defensive nature. And they cling very tightly to certain preferences because it helps get them through the day. It helps them manage the anxiety that would hold them back from even doing some things that you may take for granted. It's like they have this weakness or sore spot that people keep poking over and over again. And then they beat themselves up for being so different. I'm not making excuses for your strong-willed kids. I'm trying to give some insight into what motivates them and the coping mechanisms they often employ that I would ask you to respect. Otherwise, it's like asking your family member in recovery to meet you at the bar to talk and then shaming him when he doesn't show up.

23:44I want you to use this as an opportunity to be curious, to dig beneath the surface, understand on a deeper level why your child does rely on that cowboy hat. There's nothing wrong with normalizing it and saying truthfully, look, everybody has their own insecurities and stuff. And then slowly giving him tools and time to build his or her confidence. And a mom just emailed and said, my husband and I have fought over this for years. He always just said it's a defiance and behavior problem. The other night we were at an impasse over my son's refusal to do something. And for the first time, I heard my husband go into our son's room, sit down and say, you know, when I have a rough day at work, sometimes I just want to quit or escape from it.

24:32So I know how that feels. Look, I'm going to go grab some snacks from the store if you want to come help me. And the mom said I almost cried. It's the first time that my husband's really tried to understand my son and connect with him. And they went off together and they came back laughing. And I asked him later why he did that. And he said, well, I finally listened to that dad's program and the calm guy. And he said to take your kids for a taco. So I thought I'd give it a try. And it actually worked. And that is a big win. I always ask guys, if you get our programs, just listen to the dad's program first, because I basically just tell you what to say and do and what not to do.

25:16And that makes it so much easier. Look, the grandpa in this story could have handled this all very easily by connecting with a kid like this dad did. Connection changes human behavior more than consequences and threats. I do hope you remember the story of the kid with the cowboy hat. and I hope you get an opportunity to apply this with your strong-willed child or spouse this week because we're all flawed broken people and we're all just figuring it out right no matter what our age so remember this story maybe listen to this again sometime so if we can help you in any way if you need help financially with our programs anything else just email Casey C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm calm all right so much respect and love for you all bye