When Kids Boss Siblings, Melt Down Over Losing, Prove Their Point or Say, “That’s Not Fair!” #514

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2:11So do you have a child? You know what's funny? I always kind of start with, do you have a child? I always wonder if parents are thinking like, wait, you're describing my child every podcast. Can I please have a break from this? No, you can't. So do you have a child who bosses his siblings, friends, maybe embosses you around, melts down over changes and plans during transitions or when little things go wrong? By the way, your kids, it is often the little things going wrong that really mess them up. And the reason I know that is because I am the exact same way. Quick one here. Look, when big things go wrong, well, now that's a challenge.

2:53It stimulates my brain. And now I have, I can throw all of my energy into solving that puzzle, coming up with a solution. But when it's something really little going wrong, it just irritates me. Because I have a lot of kind of chaos inside of my brain. and I like things to be particular. So it's those little things you have to watch out for with your kids. Do you have a child who acts like a sword loser when playing games, throws his or her bat, yells, cries on the field? And I know that's embarrassing. Some of you may have kids who collect little stones and acorns in their pockets, only to be found later banging around the dryer.

3:39What about kids who wear the same clothes and eat the same food? like I do sometimes. Often simple carbs, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets. I've graduated from those but they do this kind of every day. So you'll hear them saying like that's not fair and they won't stop following you until they prove their point. Do you have kids who have difficulty with executive functioning skills and following directions or struggle with anxiety over new experiences. Good. All of these behaviors have the same root cause. And that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

4:19Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our back to school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We are very, very, very active on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. Look, I'll tell you something that's throwing me off right now. I didn't do the opening the way I usually do. I interjected a bunch of things in there. And so while I'm doing this, in my head, I'm like, I want to go back and do that. I want to go redo that because it kind of throws off my internal sense of order of like, I always start it this way. I don't stop and start to throw in little interjections all the time at the beginning.

4:56And so why that bothers me is because it's one of those little things that throw... So let me just roll with this if you don't mind. I have a lot of thoughts inside my head and I like the creativity. I really like thinking about strategies. And so what I've learned in my life is I make a lot of things the same, wear the same clothes, eat generally the same food. I have a lot of routines that I have. Why? Because when I kind of mechanize a lot of those things in my life, I don't have to give any thought. I don't have to use any brain energy on that so that it frees up my brain to come up with different ideas, strategic ideas, and really go deep on some of the questions you ask.

5:49And so you will see this in your kids at times. And so I just wanted to share that. And I'm still not sure if I'm going to go back and rerecord this, but I might practice imperfection. Look, there's also this. I still have within me those things of like, I wouldn't say it's people pleasing, but I do want you to be happy and like the podcast. I want you to get a lot out of it. I'm very sensitive to knowing like, here's another example. The reason I say, and that is what we're going to say on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. I do it the same every single time. And then I do this, hey, welcome to Skirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

6:30You can find it at CelebrateCalm.com. Why do I do it so fast? Because I want to respect your time. And I'm also sensitive to the fact we have ads on our podcast. And so I'm trying to get through a lot of stuff quickly. And I just waste a lot of time with that. So I'll probably re-record this but if I don't you have to email me and say thanks for practicing imperfection and just going with that because it's bothering me now. So look even if your child doesn't struggle with one of the examples I'm going to go through I hope you will extract some key principles you can apply to your own specific situations because your kids like me they have busy brains swirling with thoughts and ideas and it runs really fast can be a little chaotic in there and many of you have kids who have sensory processing issues so their bodies often feel out of control that's why i love having obstacle courses that your kids have to crawl under crawl through things to push and pull martial arts swimming rock climbing gymnastics it's awesome for our kids plus our kids tend to do better with independent activities versus team sports which we will get to and by the way don't feel like a bad parent look you get judged by all those things well why isn't your child playing a team sport how are they going to learn to be a team player well guess what your kids are very independent they may never be team players doesn't mean they're jerks they just prefer to lead and to be able to control their environment a little bit there's nothing wrong with that it's just a preference you have to fight against society and judgmental relatives trying to put your child into a box as if all kids should pursue the same path.

8:10So if you combine all of those things happening inside your child with the fact that we live very fast-paced lifestyles now, we go from school to extracurriculars, an adult is always telling your child what to do and guess what the result is? It feels like the world is out of control. So they try to control other people and situations. That's why you can't play board games with them. They're going to cheat, change rules of the game or quit. Why? Because that guarantees the outcome of the game. It eliminates the unknowns. It means they won't be a loser. The issue isn't that they're a poor sport.

8:47It's that they're not confident enough to try and fail and lose without feeling like a loser. So they boss you and their friends and siblings around because it gives them a sense of order and control. And And that's why those little things going wrong or changes and plans frustrate them and result in meltdowns. So I was going to do another, a different example, but I've kind of already done that one before, right? The kid who gets super upset when little things go wrong. And I covered that a couple of weeks ago in that podcast on big emotions are coming, right? With a kid who comes home from school and wants to build the catapult and it doesn't go right.

9:27And he's like, this is stupid. I'm stupid. and I want you to come in and validate them with intensity. Of course you're frustrated. You'd been picturing this thing, whatever your child's working on, you've been picturing this all day and it didn't work out right. Of course you're disappointed and frustrated. See, that's really helpful. But let me give you an idea for transitions. Remember, whenever I say no to something inappropriate, I always say yes to something appropriate. Instead of just saying no to kids, I'd rather say yes. I want them to focus on what they can do instead of just like what not to do.

10:05So just take a quick example in the classroom. If one of your kids was in my classroom, I wouldn't just say, hey, remember after recess, no goofing off, no playing around. You just come in and take your seat. Well, for many of your kids, that's not always enough. So I'd pull your child aside and say, hey, I could really use your help. Here's what I want you to do. Picture these three things in your brain. Because research says many of your kids, especially neurodivergent kids, remember things, visual things, and what they picture in their brains better. So picture these three things. One water bottle, three paper towels, front row desks in my classroom.

10:47And the child knows what I want him or her to do. Come in from recess, you're going to grab one water bottle, three paper towels, and you're going to clean the front row desks in my classroom. I've just given them a mission, a place for their brain to focus on. I made it very, very specific. It was three paper towels, not the whole roll. I don't want you spraying down other children. Just the front row of desks in my classroom. And now they're busy doing something they're good at doing. It's a more adult job. They're getting some sensory needs met while they're pressing down on the desk. They're also doing that cross-brain stimulation.

11:24Remember Karate Kid? Wax on, wax off. There's a little bit of that happening. And I just created a success. So keep that in the back of your mind for how to do that. Remember, that's why little kids collect acorns or stones in their pockets. Because it's one small thing they have control of. All day, everyone else is telling me what to do and not do. But I can manipulate these little things with my hands. I can put them in my mouth, in my ear, ultimately in a washing machine. it's why kids like playing with their dolls and being the teacher i used to train so many teachers and i can't tell you how many of them said yep when i was a little kid i was the teacher and now they're a real life teacher so they wear the same clothes eat the same food because that provides consistency if you really want to understand the benefit of this it's really brilliant.

12:18See, because I know exactly what I'm going to be wearing and eating, I no longer have to devote any mental or emotional energy to those choices. And there is emotional energy there of like, oh, is it going to be hot? Is anybody going to like this? What's it going to? Nope. I just wear the same thing. It allows the kids to focus their energy on creative thinking, strategic thinking, and pursuits that interest them. These kids have a high need for justice because if something isn't right or fair, then that creates gray areas and it messes with their sense of order inside. That is why my first step to calm an upset child is not to say, hey, you need to calm down now because that makes everyone more upset.

13:03Partially because, you know, part of that is because you're drawing attention to and shining a spotlight on them at their worst and that causes embarrassment. So my first step is to give an upset child or adult a mission or challenge they are in control of. So go back and listen to that podcast on big emotions from a couple weeks ago. It's really helpful there. And look, I know we over pathologize everything in our current culture. And so many old school people say, well, we didn't have these issues when we were kids, and I have two rejoinders to that. One is, well, we didn't have this artificially crazy, fast-paced life with pressure to perform back in the day either.

13:47We were allowed to be kids. We wandered the neighborhood and beyond without supervision, and we had so much ownership of our lives without being micromanaged all day. And the truth is that many of us did have these issues. It's just that nobody noticed. So we figured out ways to deal with them or we didn't deal with them. And I have a couple of kids that I grew up with and it turns out they had mental illness and nobody knew back then. Right. So look, if our kids grew up with unlimited freedom to be outside playing, they'd be more like us. And if you and I had grown up constricted, micromanaged with screens in our hands from an early age, we'd be more like them.

14:34So here's a question. What about a rude daughter who argues with you? And a mom had said, my daughter is rude because she constantly argues with and corrects me. If I say dinner will be ready in 10 minutes, she'll correct me and say, well, the timer actually says eight minutes. Mom asked, how can I get her to stop being rude? And my response is she's not being rude. She's being precise. And instead of constantly getting irritated with your kids, see the benefit of these traits that irritate you. So instead of accusing your daughter of being rude and correcting her, you could say with a forced smile, honey, do you know that trait is going to help you accomplish amazing things in life?

15:14I apologize for assuming you are trying to be rude. In fact, you're just trying to be precise. And that is a perfect quality to have if you want to be a surgeon, architect, dentist, accountant, builder, veterinarian, craftsman, and so many other professions. It means people will be able to count on you because you are direct and honest and specific. I wish I was more like that sometimes. Can you see how we just reframed that? We didn't tell a lie. That was all honest and it's all true. It's just our parental anxiety causes us to see everything kind of in a negative light instead of seeing it for what it is.

15:54What about a kid who bosses his or her siblings around? they do that because that's what people do when they feel like everything's out of their control so when you hear your child begin doing that you just firmly say oh David I just remembered I could really use your help with something have a few pre-planned jobs and missions that your child feels in control of so your child doesn't feel the need to control their siblings so much if your child is jealous of a younger sibling pull that child aside and say oh i could really use your help you're so grown up and smart you can do all kinds of things that your little brother can't could you be my deputy my helper with some grown-up jobs see that way you're giving that older child some space to come alongside of you not seeing the younger child as competition all right what about a kid who is a poor sport or melts down when playing sports and loses What about another kid who just comes in and bosses you around?

16:58Let's dig into that. So this is cool. I go to hungeroot.com slash calm. I click our food preferences, carb conscious, less sugar, high protein, anti-inflammatory, and I immediately get 10 plus options. So I choose the Tzatziki chicken bowl with quinoa with 47 grams of protein. It takes five minutes to prepare. It's delicious. no wasted ingredients, no stress battling traffic and grocery store lines. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist wrapped into one. They recommend healthy groceries and meals tailored to your family's tastes, and they have amazing kids' options.

17:37Make Hungry Root part of your back-to-school routine to de-stress mealtime this school year. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungeroot.com slash calm and use code calm. That's hungeroot.com slash calm, code calm, to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you. Let your kids browse with you through Wayfair.com's huge selection of organizing tools.

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18:58That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So you have a child who strikes out in baseball and throws his or her bat and stomps off, causing a scene, and you naturally get embarrassed and angry with the child, especially since you're investing so much time and money into this. Okay, by the way, know your kids usually don't practice, so you have to decide if you're going to put all this time and money into this. So number one, most of our kids struggle with losing. I either wouldn't bother playing board games with them or let them know firmly I will play with you but only according to these rules and when we had kids in our home I'd play and talk them I kind of talked them through the fact that I was winning and that didn't mean they were losers sometimes it worked and sometimes they just needed to mature number two it is embarrassing when your child is the only one on the field losing it or yelling at the ref.

20:01I'd be up in the stands or along the green on a golf course shaking my head, fuming, swearing, I'll never let this kid play again after acting like that. And you may even beat yourself up like you somehow caused this or it's your fault. But stop that. It's not. It's just the way some kids are. All of those feelings you have are normal. They're warranted. But I want you to practice just being completely stoic in these moments. Stoic, non-emotional, almost like it's someone else's kid. Be even, matter of fact, when you correct and even praise these kids. Be like that before matches and even after.

20:42Number three, I would role play with your child. Role play losing. Practice a new response to striking out or letting in a goal if they're a soccer goalie. I used to take kids who played soccer to a local field and I'd shoot on them and I'd score on them again and again and again, not to rub it in, but so that they could practice the feeling of letting up a goal. And then I would practice a new routine for them. And I'd say, hey, when you get scored on, you can't let the other team see you sweat or react. So you turn around to get the ball from the back of the net. You can silently utter one curse word just to express your frustration or some other word like reset, whatever you're comfortable with.

21:28But once you pick that ball up, your demeanor changes. You're confident and you turn around, you roll that ball calmly back to the ref and reset yourself. See, we tend to focus on what the child should not do in those situations, right? Don't throw your putter or your bat. Don't slump your shoulders. Let's focus on what your child can do when he or she makes a bad shot or loses. Physically practice that on the playing field over and over again until it becomes like new muscle memory. I'd watch games on TV. Notice players' body posture. You'll notice the best leaders don't let mistakes get to them.

22:08They stay stoic and positive. Look up some stats on how often your child's favorite player loses or strikes out. The idea is to normalize losing and reinforce it doesn't make your child a loser. It just means they lost the game. Try to teach patiently, this is hard, like it's someone else's kid rather than lecture impatiently. Because your kids are sensitive. They will pick up on any of your negativity and they will shut down. So stay stoic. You can do this, son. I know it's hard. But this is what separates the greats from the mediocre players, the mental and emotional game. And that's pretty true about life as well.

22:52Number four, model it in your own life. It's very likely that you get frustrated and react when things don't go well. So ask your child to help you with a different response. That way you are both working on it together and that's pretty cool. Number five, you absolutely have every right to say, look, if you don't practice losing well, then you're simply not going to play. I have no problem with taking a tough line on this. You don't have to keep paying for expensive sports and traveling just so your child can participate. They can play a club sport or some other activity, individual sport. I would want to try the above things first very patiently to see if we can get some progress on the emotional side of your child's game and your game as well because that's the big win in life anyway if if if your child digs in and refuses then cut back on the tournaments they play until your child decides that he or she is going to work on this but keep being stoic and unemotional this is just the way life works son or daughter you've got some choices to make just like every other player back in the day so i hope that makes sense here's another one back in the day kids would come to our house after school to do homework and they boss me around and my first instinct was hey you bossy little jerk no wonder you don't have any friends but that's not a cool thing to say so i would step back and think okay what's really going on under here right can i find a solution to this because I like being a detective and observing.

24:25And so I would talk to the child and say, you know what, I think I know what's going on. All day at school, teachers are kind of bossing you around, right? Telling you exactly how to sit and stand and walk down the hall, when to pick up your pencil, when to stop talking. It's chaotic at school with loud bells every 50 minutes. Kids running around outside at recess. The cafeteria is overwhelmingly loud. I bet that all feels out of your control, doesn't it? and then you come to my house and it's noisy with a bunch of kids here and because everything seems out of your control your natural instinct is to boss me or the other kids around and you know how I know that?

25:02Because I'm the exact same way when I'm not feeling well my body feels like it's out of order and I get very particular about little things because I want that balance so here's the deal you don't have to boss me around because I've got everything under control here But here is what I could use your help with. In the basement, there's a broom that's broken. If you can go find some duct tape, see if you could fix that for me because that would really help me. And before I'd finish my sentence, the kid would be scrambling for the basement. I didn't tell that child to stop being a jerk. I didn't lecture him about how people don't like to be bossed around, how it's always much nicer.

25:43No, stop the icky patronizing lectures. I simply gave him an opportunity to be in control of one simple thing in his world one thing he could be successful at one way he could help and feel successful and proud of and the reason I chose this topic today is because a teacher emailed and said hey some parents brought your programs shared with me the ADHD University and Strong Well Child Programs just understanding how their brains work has helped me immensely in the classroom and with my own kid. I never learned this even though I have a master's degree in child development and she said she was struggling with one particular student.

26:26No talks or behavior charts or taking away recess helped. Then when she understood that his behavior stemmed from anxiety, she began giving him special missions she'd write in little envelopes for him to find before school and after recess. And she said, I saw a completely different kid when he felt like he has some control and could be successful. That is awesome. Parents, if you have our programs, we're happy to share those with your child's teachers. So just email Casey about that. Look, there's a certain amount of compassion that is helpful with yourself and with your kids. It doesn't mean you have to be soft or make excuses for your kids' behavior.

27:10Your goal is to be understanding without giving in. I'm simply trying to understand that my child, my spouse, my co-worker isn't usually just being an irritating jerk on purpose. There's almost always something underneath that's driving these behaviors. And so you don't have to give in. You don't have to make excuses. You're simply assuming the best about their intentions. And that leads to a less defensive response, a softening. and something else that's really valuable. And this is from a mom who emailed and said, when I heard you talk about this in your programs, a light bulb went off. Now I can see the pattern in why my child does certain things and it's helping me get ahead of situations instead of reacting to them.

28:00Instead of waiting until the siblings are fighting or until that meltdown happens, I find ways to stimulate their brains. One loves helping me cook. The other one loves feeling like she's in charge of our landscaping and anything outside, the sensory ones like that. We're now doing homework in the weirdest places because I know that's what stimulates their brains. So instead of that cycle of provoking and reacting and us always kind of being three steps behind, for the first time we actually feel in control because we're a step ahead of them. that is what we're after so here's your homework this week moms and dads be a student of your child really try to understand what is driving their behavior underneath then give them tools to make them feel back in control all the while you are demonstrating you can control yourself that is a huge win and will prevent a lot of fires if you need help with anything getting the programs anything else take advantage of the sale, but email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecom.com, because we want to help, and we know how hard this is.

29:15So, love you all. Thank you for putting up with an odd podcast. I think I'm going to try to leave this one, so give me some feedback, and I'm open if you're like, no, you kind of ruined it that way, and now it's three minutes longer than usual. Tell me that, because I do want to know, and I do want to respect your time, and I want you to find this helpful. All right. Love you all. Bye.