When Kids Reject Your Help & Refuse To Listen to You #529

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2:21sometimes with big emotions. So I want to walk you through a couple different situations and give you scripts and action steps that actually help your kids change. But more importantly, it helps you build a connection and trust with them without the anger, the resentment, and power struggle. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and we've got a big fall sale going on 17 audio programs for basically the cost of one trip to a therapist's office but it's just insight strategies into kids like this so work on that and uh and let your kids listen i promise you if you let your kids listen you will change your family very very quickly in fact i almost want to say just let your kids listen you don't have to and they'll tell you what to do it's kind of funny if you do it that way uh and it'll probably be very effective.

3:13So we're at a live event. A mom says, my son doesn't ever listen and doesn't like to be told what to do. And inside, I was like, okay, all right. I know that's our kids. But I saw her son begin to object kind of naturally, right? So I asked for an example. And the mom said, we golf together. And when I see my son making a mistake, I try to show him what he needs to do differently. I'm just trying to help. Moms and dads, I get it. You love these kids. You bend over backwards to help them. But I knew there was something else going on because I'm kind of very much like our kids. And so I asked the strong-willed son for his opinion.

3:54And listen to how he said this in his very kind of analytical, direct way. He said, Mom, I don't mind you pointing out my mistakes, but I want to figure out how to fix them myself. And I was like, oh, that's good insight. See, that changes everything. Because if we don't understand our kids and their motivations, here's how this scene usually would unfold. See if this sounds familiar. Mom says, Daniel, your hips and shoulders aren't parallel. It's causing you to slice the ball. Okay, got it, Mom. No, I don't think you do because you keep slicing. Thanks, Mom. I'll work on it. Here, Daniel, let me show you how.

4:36And then the son responds, Mom! And now cue the five-minute parent lecture. You know what, Daniel? I pay a lot of money and give up a lot of my time to come here with you, and this is all I get? Why won't you listen to me? Do you know how long I've been playing? I just want to help you be the best golfer you can be. And the child says, Stop, please. You know what? A little bit of gratitude would be nice. And then Daniel walks off. Forget it. I'm done today. Daniel, I will not let you quit. If you walk away, you are going to lose all your, and then your kids are going to say, whatever. You will not talk to me like that, young man.

5:12You've been there. You've done that. And look, mom's intentions are good. Her son has said very clearly he wants to make the golf team, and she's trying to help him. So why does it end up feeling so awful? Why do we end up feeling resentful after all we do? I think there are two common culprits. Number one is our anxiety. Anxiety is causing this mom to lecture, to press too much, to be responsible for her son and his actions. It causes her to feel pressure to make sure her son is successful. But that ultimately leads to her becoming resentful and reacting and making threats and getting into a power struggle.

5:54See, it's really easy to fall into those traps. And this used to happen to Casey with Casey and me all the time. the day would begin with this nice outing but by the end we were driving home in silence fuming separated emotionally right from our kids and you do know this because i've said it before but you are not responsible for your child's happiness you're not responsible for their success it's when we cross those boundaries and we jump in we're trying so hard and we're pressuring too much that they resist us. And if you don't know how to step back from your own anxiety and control that, you'll just sabotage your relationships.

6:36So you have to give your kids space to be responsible for themselves. Our phrase is when we step back, when we step back from micromanaging and lecturing, when we step back from being responsible for them, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves and that's what we're after so think about this with that space quick side story so picture this there's a mom and a daughter emma and they're at a horse barn and so the daughter volunteers her time there she works she shovels manure does all kinds of odd jobs so in return she gets to ride a horse and gets free riding lessons and so it's a really being around animals is a fantastic form of therapy for many of your kids horses in particular are very very sensitive and our kids are often better with animals than they are with humans and when Emma is at this farm see just think she has this creature she has these horses that she cares about and she's responsible for them she's conscientious she puts in all of this effort she feels like she has something to give and it's really important for our kids and she also gets a lot back emotionally.

7:47And your kids are often very responsible when they care about something, when they do adult type jobs with independence, usually for other people. See, Emma won't do a thing at home. She won't even pick up her socks. But when she's here, oh, she works hard. She does the dirty work. Why? It's her own mission, something she cares about. When she's here, no one is micromanaging her, pointing out all the little things she's doing wrong. She's got freedom. She knows what to do. The owner of the horse farm greets her with a smile and says, Man, I'm really glad that you're here. You're such a hard worker.

8:24And that's something that our kids may not hear at home or at school very often. And Emma is also like a lot of our kids. She's very particular, very sensory. Sometimes her clothes or socks don't feel just right. and I know this is irritating because you're like we've got to go we've got multiple kids we've got to get out the door and here you are worried about how your clothes feel but it is a very real thing to our kids and on this particular day Emma's just off a little bit and so she's exhaling you know she's putting on her boots exhaling kind of a little loudly while trying to put those boots on And I remember when Casey used to do this, and it just irked me.

9:06Like, it grated on me. And I always wanted to lecture, you know what? Most kids never get the opportunities you have, and the least you could do is have a good attitude. And that was always met with, you're right, Father. Thank you for pointing out. Thank you for pointing that out in the midst of my irritation and frustration. It's always helpful to be reminded that I'm an ungrateful kid who irritates you. Oh, that just crushes me when I say that, right? Like, it's like, why did I need him to have a good attitude? See, that's my issue. That's your issue. We're the adults. And the sooner that you and I own that, the sooner the power struggle stops.

9:48So you know these signs, right? Your particular child is getting irritated. And that's why being, that's, this is what being calm does for me. It doesn't mean I get walked on. I'm an intense guy. It means I slow my world down inside, not driven by the whirlwind of my internal anxiety so I can see situations clearly. Because in this situation, the mom is getting triggered and now you can handle it differently because you know it's about to happen. Emma's wrestling with her boots and then mom warns her, well, if you don't take care of those expensive boots, you're not going to be able to ride again.

10:27And the daughter says, fine, I hate your stupid boots anyway. And mom's like, I spent$300 on those. And then Emma's going to say, well, Sarah's parents bought her even better ones. And you know there's another blow up coming in public. But this time instead, mom acts like she's getting a phone call and steps out of the barn for two minutes and lets her daughter wrestle with her boots and wrestle with her frustration alone, without being watched, without being helped. How many of you have situations when you're just struggling and someone comes like, oh, do you need some help? And it just sounds sometimes like so condescending.

11:14And so mom steps out of the room. when mom comes back in, Emma has her boots on. And of course, acts like nothing had happened. That's just the way that it works. And I know you want it to be different and your child did, but it's just not. So deal with reality, control your anxiety. Okay, what is the other culprit that trips us up? And how can you handle this situation differently when your child doesn't want your help? So the second culprit is just that we don't always understand our kids and what motivates them and what drives them. Sometimes we think our kids are lazy when sometimes they just need tools to complete an assignment.

11:58We think they're defiant when it's really anxiety and fear. Like in the last episode of the podcast, that whole defiant situation, the underlying root of it was just the child's anxiety. Sometimes we think they're undisciplined when it's just really a lack of purpose and we have to spark that internal motivation. This mom's assumption is that her son doesn't like to be told what to do, and that carries a negative connotation. My response? Be thankful you have a child who wants to problem solve, who isn't just a follower, who can think independently. This is a kid who wants to figure it out on his own, who wants some ownership to be responsible for his own golf swing.

12:50Isn't that what we really want? Yes. See, let me spend just one more minute on this, understanding our kids like this. See, these are kids who tinker with things and they're always playing with things. They're looking, seeing how things work. It's why they tinker with your brain, because they push your buttons. Because when they push your buttons, then they get a certain response that they know. It all plays together with these kids. It's why they have such good critical thinking skills. But they don't always get to use those problem-solving skills, those critical thinking skills, in school, do they?

13:27In school, sometimes it's like, what is the answer? and it's either yes or no or it's right or that seems right or wrong. But many of our kids are deeper thinkers and they want to figure out how things work. So you've got a child here who does care about golf but just wants to figure it out. And I can relate to this because I tend to do things the hard way. I remember when we lived in Wilmington, North Carolina, I began to play tennis. and so I got the cheap tennis racket it's like a$14 racket from Amazon and all my friends were like oh you can't win with that and I'm oppositional so I was like oh I will I will figure out how to beat you even with my$14 Amazon racket and they're like well you need to take lessons and I'm well aware that if I would have taken lessons that someone would have been able to teach me some things but you know what really helps me I went out and just started playing and I started experimenting and I started figuring out how how what was working and what doesn't and then later I went and I got the lesson because then I had context and I had figured out some things myself I take pleasure in sometimes in a sense touching the hot stove but I'm older now so I know not to actually burn myself but your kids are like that and these are really, really good qualities that they have.

14:54It's just that they don't always fit in the system the right way. And they're just, it's more difficult that way because compliant kids just do what you tell them to do. And so when we control our anxiety and understand our kids, here's how the situation sounds. Mom would say, hey, Daniel, your hips and shoulders aren't parallel. It's causing you to slice the ball. Okay, got it, Mom. Then watch what Mom does. I'm going to go practice my short game while you work on that. Call me if you need me. Mom walks away and controls herself, enjoying some downtime, working on her putting and chip shots, or she goes to the clubhouse and has a couple drinks.

15:43Kidding! Not into drinking, but you're going to feel like it sometimes. That's why I joke about it because it's like, oh, I just feel like it. And you know, when I joke about that, you know what I'm really saying is I get the frustration because I don't want to present this parenting stuff of like, oh, it's just easy. If you just follow like this, it'll be easy. It's not. And you're going to be frustrated. There are situations, they're just hard. But mom walks away and starts working on her own thing. She's so focused on working on her own game and you can make that your own game of golf or your own game of working on your own issues that she's not standing over can you imagine not standing over uh watching standing behind her son watching every single swing there is no way i'm going to do that if you're going to stand behind me and I tell you the image that came in my head which was no I would probably turn around and swing and try to hit the ball at you to get rid of you so just know that viscerally that's what it would feel like now some of you you're gonna have to wrestle because you're like but I would love for someone to come over and show me how to do it but that's you and you have to separate what how you're motivated what you're like from what your child is so a little while later Daniel calls her over.

17:12Who just initiated? The kid. Hey mom come here I want to show you something. And Daniel hits a good shot with proper form. And mom's like wow very nice. And then Daniel explains in great detail of course how he fixed his swing. It isn't the way his mom would have done it, but it works. And that's a huge insight because that's often the real issue, isn't it? Your way is not the only right way to do things and you've got to own that. And then mom gets to say this, I'm really proud of you for being persistent and working so hard to problem solve and come up with your own solution, Daniel. Isn't that such a great thing to say?

18:06Instead of, why do you always have to be so difficult? Why can't you just listen to what I say? She's like, you know what? I like the fact that you're willing to do this on your own, even if it takes a little longer. And then mom says, okay, you want to play nine? And child, of course, says, ready to lose, mom? Because that's what our kids are like. So this situation, can I tell you one thing? Because it's kind of fun and it just I want to give you insight because our son is older now so yesterday I was hiking and it's starting to get where it's a lot of snow here so the days of easy hikes and such even long hikes are out of reach and so it was about to rain yesterday and I went for the hike up our local mountain it's 2 ,000 feet up to about 10 ,000 feet and it was raining it was 30 to 40 mile per hour winds as I got about halfway up.

18:55So I was hiding behind some trees and Casey's texting and he's like, he said, dad, you're an idiot and I love you and no lightning. So you're okay. That's how we communicate sometimes. And I had to laugh when he's like, dad, you're an idiot. And I was like, I know, but guess what? I got my hike in and I survived. So that's the way, Just work with your child's nature. And when you can embrace that, it's awesome. So think about this. This situation didn't change because the child changed. It changed because the parent changed and understood what was really going on. And that's great news because you can't always control what other human beings do.

19:38But you can control yourself. Your success as a parent, your enjoyment as a human on this planet will largely rest on your answer to these questions. Do you and your spouse understand your kids inside now? Or do they leave you feeling confused and frustrated? Become a student of your kids' brains and how they work. Become a detective. You will eventually have to accept your kids and their differences on a deep level and learn to enjoy them as they are. Now, here's an idea for you. This is prompted by a really great couple from the Netherlands. I did this parenting summit by Zoom. and I like doing those.

20:18So if you're interested, reach out to Casey. And this is kind of bold, but I love it. They said, we have two strong-willed kids and we've been doing the exact opposite of what we should have been doing all these years because that's how we were raised. We told our boys, we want you to listen to these programs first. And they gave them the Strong-Willed Child, the ADHD University and the Straight Talk for Kids ones. And then come and tell us what we are doing wrong. wrong and the parents said they love that because they're like a little attorneys and they said come tell us what we're doing wrong and tell us three things we can begin doing differently in the home and we'll do it right within your boundaries and the parents said it's interesting that they didn't point out the obvious things we've done wrong like yelling and lecturing or that were too strict not the normal kid complaints.

21:12What hurt our kids most is that it has felt like we didn't believe in them or believe they were capable of being more responsible. Oddly enough, what these parents said was what they asked for was not stuff, but more freedom to be responsible for themselves and make mistakes without being lectured or judged. And he said this has been very, very eye-opening. And they said, tell Casey to love his code word idea. That's in the kids program. But they want to use a Dutch slang word that I can't repeat. So try that with your kids and see what they say. I love this approach of being vulnerable with your kids.

22:01You're not turning over control of your home to your kids. You're giving them some ownership. You're being honest. You're teaching them from a very early age, hey, I want you to be responsible for yourself. And by the way, we're going to own our stuff. What should we change? Again, it's always within your boundaries. Here's the other question. Can you control your own anxiety? Or does it cause you to lecture, project into the future, have power struggles, and put pressure on your kids? So begin saying this instead. Say, you know what? I believe you're capable of handling this yourself. And like this mom, this mom, what I love is she goes over and starts working on her game and gives her son some space.

22:44You're available to help, but you're giving your kids space to own it themselves. Do you have control issues? Of course you do just like I do. So identify your triggers and work on them one by one. Recognize and respect your child's desire for independence to figure out things on their own. These are great qualities to have in the real world. So embrace this. We don't do blame or guilt or judgment. I just want you to work on your own issues. If you have our programs, go through the 30 Days to Calm program first. It anxiety step back give your kids space to step up affirm them when they do I hope that you have an opportunity to do this within the next couple days while it's fresh if we can help you at all reach out to Casey C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm calm and we will help you because I respect you so much for doing this hard work your kids are going to be okay they're going to be great you just need to work on yourself a little bit and you will lead your kids this okay love and respect you all bye-bye