Why Do I Have to Do This?" How to Motivate the Child Who Questions Everything #624

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3:32Instead of just doing what you ask. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Call and Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find our back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We're on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast, and I love interacting with you all there. So I want you to think about your strong-willed child's traits that irritate you, the push-ure buttons that trigger you, because I guarantee you the traits that irritate you most about your strong-willed child will be the very traits that cause you to change the most inside, and they're going to be the traits that make your child wildly successful in the adult world.

4:14Now, here's one that popped into my head, and I'm unsure why, but let me kind of roll with this. When you instruct your strong-willed child to do something, their first response is often, why? And we misinterpret that as defiance. But it's also the smart response of a human with good critical thinking skills who wants to know the context for your request. And I get it. You're the adult. You're the authority figure. And you're like, well, there's no context. The context is I told you to do it. So the expected response should be, well, yes, sir. Yes, ma 'am. Right away. And I do get that. I know that's what you want.

4:55It's what I, it's what we always wanted, but you're not going to get that with a strong-willed child. You can either choose, and it is your choice, to get bothered by that and see it in a negative light, or you can use it to highlight and identify your triggers, which may include this deeply held belief that kids are supposed to be immediately obedient, but they are not supposed to be. It's an unfair expectation of your kids and yourself. If you want me to do an entire podcast on why that's a myth and why it's an unfair expectation, just let me know and I will. So you can choose to create a power struggle and label your child in a negative way over this.

5:43And you would be right and justified and also entirely wrong at the same time. because it's really hard with these strong-willed kids because maybe, just maybe, you can use this insight to free yourself from your rigidity that infects your relationships and your daily life and your thinking about the judgment of others. Maybe you can use this insight to speak powerful words over your child's future instead of kind of damning them with things like, you never listen. How are you ever going to be successful if you can't follow directions. Instead, you could rightly say this, and I'm not saying you should say all of this to your kids, especially in one setting, but think about the tone behind this and the ideas behind this.

6:31Son, daughter, in the past, when you have asked why, after I asked you to do something, it's always kind of bugged me. You know why? Because I was never allowed to actually question anything as a kid. I was taught that it was disobedient and disrespectful. I got in trouble for speaking up. So I'm sorry I have reacted that way in the past. What I've missed are all the amazing qualities this tells me you possess. See, you're not afraid to ask why. That's a good thing. Being assertive and speaking up is a really healthy trait. See, groupthink and just doing what everybody else is doing without ever questioning it can lead to catastrophes for individuals and for society.

7:16I like that you have the courage to speak up. See, you're a good thinker. See, you were busy doing something, and then I came along and told you to do something else. And while it would be easier for me, and even for you, if you didn't question why and just did what I told you to do, I'm glad you had the common sense to speak up and simply ask, hey, why are you asking me to do something different right now? I was doing this and you came into the room really quickly and changed things on me and I'm curious why. See, that shows me you have good critical thinking skills, that you're not a robot, that you can think and analyze and process information.

7:55What you are looking for, son or daughter, is context. And the reason you want context is because you have a very strategic brain, which is a huge asset in life. Now, unfortunately, you don't get to use it much in school because schooling tends to require memorizing information, regurgitating that information for tests. And those aren't your strong qualities. And to be honest, I've not really encouraged this thinking as much as I should have either. But in the real world, in the adult world, where you will spend most of your life, people and companies will value your brain because they pay more money to people who can think critically and strategically.

8:41By the way, that's why you're also good at chess and checkers and tinkering with things and pushing your sister's buttons and arguing with me. You see patterns. You know how things fit together. And that is a superpower to have in life. Now, next time, instead of just asking why, which many people can interpret as being disobedient, try saying this instead. Hey, Mom, Dad, could you give me more context, please? See, that's specific and helpful. And look, a little side note here. We're teaching our kids how to do life. We're teaching them how their brains work, what they're really looking for, instead of, hey, you're just a disobedient little jerk who doesn't listen to his or her parents.

9:31You're saying, no, you need context. You like to place what I asked you in the larger scheme of things so you can understand that. And many of your kids, right, that are kind of on the spectrum, they're not always great socially. And they're not just being rude or off-putting on purpose. They just don't have the skills. So if I come along and just say it in a negative, snotty, patronizing way, they're not going to listen. But see, I just affirmed my child for how his or her brain works and said, hey, I've got another way you can handle this situation. It'll work a lot better for you in life. And you're going to speak up in life.

10:12Here's a different way to do that. I didn't learn that until I was well into my 30s because I would ask the same thing at work, right? And I'd get in trouble for it until I finally said, hey, boss, listen, I heard what you said. I know what the objective is. Would you mind if I did this in a different way as long as we accomplish the same objective? And I want to teach your kids how to do that. Now, I didn't really plan to say all of that in this podcast. It just kind of came up, but I hope you find that helpful. So let's begin to build on that. Begin thinking through your child's behaviors that trigger you.

10:51And then really dive deep into why does that trigger you so much? Because you'll be able to get some of these deeply held, kind of deeply ingrained beliefs inside of you that really hold you captive in life. You're going to get to the bottom of that. And you can do a deep dive into how you can help your child use that trait to his or her advantage. Because I can pretty much guarantee that most of the time is your own parental anxiety that causes us to miss these huge opportunities to change. So instead of crushing your child's spirit, you can actually build their confidence. Instead of just being bothered and triggered all the time, you can actually be free from those things.

11:32And you've heard me say it before. I like to bond with my child over things that used to trigger me. And I guarantee you that your kids who may not be motivated for you are often incredibly conscientious and motivated when helping other adults. Notice that the kid, who won't push through a hard lesson in school or a boring chore at home, may start her own baking club at school, getting approval from the principal and finding sponsorship by a coach. She'll get up in front of the school and make an announcement, overcoming her fears that way, signing up a ton of kids, do all the organizing and paperwork to make the club official.

12:20She'll be on time. She'll run the meetings. She'll organize what they're baking and how. She will convince some local celebrity chef to come to your high school or middle school and give a lesson. She'll get invited to do an internship at a restaurant in town. But she won't do a simple chore. because you asked her like, hey, clean up your bedroom, put your clothes away, complete an assignment. And she's not interested in that. So you have a choice to make throughout this coming school year and actually throughout your child's life. You can focus relentlessly on the things that she's not doing well, which I will tell you are largely arbitrary, like cleaning up her bedroom or putting clothes away.

13:08Look, you can spew your anxiety all over your child, right? Like, how are you ever going to be successful if you can't do these things? You know what, I do so much for you and why can't you just do what I asked you to do? How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't just follow some simple directions around the house? That will cause them to shut down. It can also kill their confidence and ruin your relationship. Or you can take, look, I'm not asking you to deny things. I'm not asking you to deny and say, oh, it's wonderful. She's awesome. She always does that. No, I get it. Our kids are not always good as kids.

13:45But the larger perspective is we're not raising our kids to be children. We're raising them to be adults. And you and I have strong-willed kids who are uniquely like this, that they do really well in the adult world. And they don't do that well in the kid world. And so you have a choice to make. And so I can be like, oh, am I going to focus on all these things and pick literally dozens and hundreds of power struggles throughout their childhood? Or do I step back and focus and say, look at all the traits that it took to organize and start that club? Because cleaning your room or doing a homework assignment has nothing to do with real life success.

14:28But every single thing that girl did that I just mentioned to start that club, oh, that's directly applicable to real life success. And I know your argument is, well, you have to start with small things. And that's true to some degree. But you're only focusing on those narrow things that you value. And I'm going to repeat that. You've got to watch because we get so hyper-focused as parents of like, well, this is what I value. I was really good at this as a kid and as an adult. So I think that that is really important. And you'll miss it with these kids because they value different things, right?

15:08Like, well, I value cleaning up my room and making my bed every day because when I go to bed, I like to climb into a bed that was freshly made. And when I make my bed in the morning, I started the day with one positive specific thing that I got done. And I get that. That's a really good thing for you to do. But that's what you value. That's a preference. And you've got to distinguish between your preferences and what motivates your kids, especially when they are still kids. All those steps that this girl took to start and organize this club do translate to adult success. But we usually dismiss it.

15:48Why? Because our kids don't get grades for all the things that they're really good at doing. and it has nothing to do with good manners or good behavior or grades, so we dismiss it. And I want to encourage you, this school year, really watch how often this happens when we get sucked into this very narrow view of like, well, my child has to do that because they get a good grade for it. My goal for my child is not for them to get good grades. It is to raise curious kids who love to learn and to prepare them with life skills so they can be successful in the real world. Now, that is not what I intended to say on this podcast, so let me get to that right now.

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18:39So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you. Let your kids browse with you through Wayfair.com's huge selection of organizing tools. Let them choose bins and desk supplies they can use to feel more confident and in control of their space. I'm using Wayfair.com's 20 million verified five-star reviews to upgrade my home office where I record the podcast. Because you know how good it feels to be organized and have a place for everything. We love Wayfair because they have a huge selection of home decor and organizing items that are easy to find and order with great prices that fit any budget and fast-free shipping.

19:24Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase so you can start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. so I was talking to this really good mom and she kept telling me like oh my son lashes out when I ask him too many questions and I just blurted out well he's been screaming this to you for years that he doesn't like all these questions after school or in the morning why haven't you listened to him he's been very clear about that and I heard the mom gasp and be like oh that's true And I don't do any blame or guilt.

20:12This parenting thing is so hard with our kids and you have the best intentions for them. But sometimes we get so narrowly focused on things that other people value that we miss the bigger picture. And I just want you to have an awareness that we need to listen and not try. Stop trying to force our kids to be something we want them to be. look I'm just going to be honest I don't want to do this example anymore so let me just tell you what popped into my head as I was saying the above and I'm just going to roll with that because there's this principle it's one of the 25 action steps that we talk about and we have this program called the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Will Kids and it is this it is to release your child from your expectations I think it is one of the most powerful things that you can do with a strong-willed child.

21:07It will affect you and it will affect your child. And it may sound something like this. I release you from thinking you have to be just like me. I release you from thinking you have to do things the way I would do them. I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one who I've always wanted you to be. I release you to be who you are supposed to be, not be a little me. I release you from thinking you need to be like your siblings or your classmates. You don't. You are supposed to be different, and I'm glad you are. I release you from the false expectations of society and ask you to forgive me for comparing you to others and to arbitrary standards and expectations.

21:59I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate. There's no one path. And kids who have busy brains have great ideas and they're deeper processors of information. That's why you connect better with adults and excel in the adult world. I take the pressure off of you to conform to someone else's arbitrary timeline. I free you from comparison to others. If you bloom a little later, know that when you do bloom, it will be spectacular. So take your time. Don't force it. And you'll know when it's time to go to the next step. I release you to discover and follow the path you are supposed to take, not the path I want you to take or that someone else wants you to take.

22:55Forgive me for trying to make you be like everyone else. I want you to be uniquely you. We need your creativity, ingenuity, and perspective. I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations that you know inside are simply stupid. I release you to do what's right. I release you from thinking that grades and behavior are the most important qualities to develop, when in fact it's your persistence, compassion, ingenuity, creativity, problem solving, and desire to help others that will make you wildly successful in life. Look, you can't just like unload all of that on a child one evening while you're sitting around.

23:39But over time, I want you to communicate that, not just in those words, but in how you approach different situations, what you value, what you recognize and focus on. Look, you can do this even with toddlers. You can release them from your expectations that they're supposed to act like 30-year-olds when they're four. Right? I've done this before. The job description of a toddler is to be curious, explore, make messes, and ruin your agenda. And I cannot tell you, I cannot emphasize enough how important this is for you to see your child and your role in a different way and for your child to see their future and how they fit into everything because most of our kids feel very defensive, like they don't fit in.

24:33They're the black sheep. They don't always do well in school, even though they're really bright. And we just keep focusing on, we've got to do this kid stuff, right? And you've got to get good grades or else you're not going to be successful in life. And then they just shut down and say, why would I even try? Because I can't measure up to all those arbitrary expectations. And now I'm reframing life for them. And by the way, none of what I said is untrue. This is all true. If we could step back sometime and instead of being so hyper-focused on, okay, you have to do this, this, and this, when we know those things don't really matter, and we could reframe and say, you know what, actually, you actually have a lot of the qualities already necessary to be wildly successful in life.

25:16I have seen them. And so I encourage you to do this. I do this with Casey at times. He and I are a lot alike, but we also have significant differences. And he's grown up thinking like, okay, I've got to do things like my dad to do Celebrate Calm the way I've done it. But that's not who he is. His unique giftings are different than mine. So I continually release him to help people the way he is made to do it, not the way his dad or his mom or any mentors have done it. It's powerful and important. By the way, now would be a good time to release yourself from the false expectations you have labored under as a spouse, a parent, a person of faith.

26:08I release you from thinking your job is to make your kids happy and do everything for them. A lot of you have labored under that thing of like, well, kids are supposed to be immediately obedient and always listen the first time. No, they're not. And strong-willed kids are not. And so some of you have felt guilty or judged by other people. I want you to be free from that. Look, I've worked with tens of thousands of kids. They don't always have social graces or they don't compare well to their siblings or classmates. but they have hearts of gold. See, kids like this become caring souls who stop and help the homeless person, who stand up for kids getting bullied.

26:45They sit patiently with handicapped children, with injured animals or lonely seniors. So let's release them and then begin shifting how we see them. And I can tell you that the traits that irritated us most about Casey as a kid are the very traits we admire now and that make him successful in the adult world. I watch as his in his other job, his bosses value all the stuff that was not, all the qualities that were not valued in school, like taking charge, being a leader, making decisions on his feet, problem solving. He never got grades for all of those things, but now he gets promoted because of those things, and your kids need to know that.

27:30And so I bet there are qualities inside your child that you've wanted to change because your child is so different than you, or maybe they're just like you, which can be really tough. But I promise the very qualities that frustrate you most are the very qualities that will lead your child to be successful, and they will also trigger you so you can work on those. So begin reframing. This is not making excuses for a child being intentionally rude or defiant or disrespectful. I will just tell you that most of the time we take things too personally and we misinterpret their motives. So begin verbalizing things like, hey, I love the fact that you're not afraid to be assertive about what you want or need.

28:15And by the way, you can show them more appropriate ways to do that by your example. To that relentless arguer, you can say, Hey, I love the fact that you listen, then you use your critical thinking skills and persuasive communication to make your case. I like that you know how to think and problem solve. That will serve you well in so many different jobs, and companies will value that trait. It's just that you and I don't always like how they do these things. I said all the time when Casey was a kid Part of the reason I get angry Is because he's right half the time And I don't want to admit it How many of you have had that When you've been in an argument with your child And you're like, that was pretty good That you came up with that And you could say, I love that you're persistent That's a great quality You're not afraid of what other people think of you I wish I were more like you I like that big heart of yours Look, moms and dads, your strong-willed child is a gift This child will prompt all kinds of ugliness inside of you that you need to be free from.

29:19They will push buttons you didn't know you had. They will challenge your most deeply held beliefs about parenting life and even your faith. And that is a gift if you embrace it. Are your kids really lazy or are they just not motivated by the same things that motivate you? Are they really avoidant and won't push through hard tasks? Or is that only with tasks that you care about? Is that pig-headed obstinance only a reflection of your child's personality? Or partly because you're too rigid at times? Look, your child's not here to validate you. The purpose of relationships is to transform us into new people.