Why Kids Choose the Harder Path & Procrastinate: 10 Secrets to Stop Power Struggles #632

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1:58Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child who resists doing things your way, who chooses the harder path and sometimes touches the hot stove, metaphorically? What about a child who procrastinates, whether it's an important project or just some chores? Do you have control issues? Of course you and I do. Perfectionism issues. Like when you tell your kids to decorate the Christmas tree, but you can't wait till they go to bed so you can fix it, make everything symmetrical. It's no surprise that we all have control issues. We want things done a certain way because that gives us a false sense of thinking.

2:43We have control over our kids and situations. And it's because it's the way we've always done it. It's always worked for us. But our control issues and perfectionism create needless power struggles. So let's take back control. Let's take back control of our control issues so we can be free to enjoy our kids and stop all of these power struggles. I want to show you 10 ways to do this on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. Look, many of you had parents who had these kind of controlling traits who demanded perfection or compliance from you.

3:25Some of you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent or severe dysfunction. So you learned from an early age to take control because that made you feel safe. And that trait has likely served you well in life. You're a nurse or in a job which requires a highly conscientious, organized person. That could be project managers, too, right? So you found that that helps you in your professional career, but that trait can sabotage your relationships with your kids and spouse and with yourself. Because for some of you, it's a worthiness issue and you had to be perfect and do everything well so that your mom or dad would love you or accept you or affirm you.

4:07So I want to get to the root of that and shout out to a great couple, to Steve and Amanda. They're on Instagram and they kind of inspired this episode. So blame them if I hit you too hard for that. And they said, we never realized how many power struggles we were creating because we are both type A control freaks until we began working through 30 Days to Calm and the other programs. We've seen more changes in our two strong willed kids simply by helping each other step back than by constantly correcting the kids or by doing the therapy we've done for years. Now, and it doesn't mean don't do therapy.

4:47Do it if it works for you. But I wanted to say, Stephen, well done. That's beautiful. You are controlling the only thing in life you can control, yourself. And then everyone and everything else begins to change. So quickly, how do your control issues manifest? You may be very particular about the way you do things. You tend to think your kids should do everything the way you do. After all, it works for you. Why change what works? Many of you, like me, have a high need for order and structure. You have an agenda for each day. And when life happens and your plans get thwarted, it really frustrates you.

5:27Just know, by the way, that toddlers in particular are supposed to ruin your agenda because their job description is to be curious and explore and make messes. How many of you have a place where everything goes in your home? Maybe you're particular about the way you load the dishwasher. And if you are, that's fine. Just own the dishwasher and don't let anyone else touch it because they'll never please you. At our live workshops back in the day, I used to meet parents who were dressed just so. Everything matched, jewelry perfectly, accessorizing the outfit. And that usually told me that they are particular about things in the home.

6:06And there's nothing wrong with that. except that these parents usually have kids who are not particular about their clothes, hygiene, or schoolwork, and that would create constant correction and power struggles. Does it bother you when little things are askew? Are you constantly cleaning or organizing? Does that bring you peace? Do you need to get the last word in, men, or prove your point? Not just men, but we struggle with that one. Good luck with your little attorneys who will battle you over everything just for sports. So let me be blunt. You want things done a certain way in the home. It's how you were raised.

6:47It's how you prefer things to be done. It's the way you've always done it. But you have strong-willed, often creative kids who simply are not ever, and I mean ever, they are never going to do things your way. And this will frustrate that fragile balance inside of you. It will feel like they're challenging your authority. When in reality, they just don't want to do it your way. But in your way, in your mind, your way is the right way, the only way. Only it's not. And you have to accept that on a deep level. Your way is not always the right way or the only way. But if you cling to your false expectations, you're going to have endless power struggles with your kids.

7:32and I can't blame them for resisting you because I believe that being too rigid is provoking children to anger. What they really know inside is this, I can never please you or live up to your standards. And we often impose the expectations of a 35-year-old adult on a 7 or 17-year-old. And that'll leave kids frustrated and feeling like they're stupid or a disappointment to you. That's how Casey felt at times before I changed. So here are 10 steps that you can take. Number one, recognize and identify your control issues. Wrestle with them. Do things really have to be done this way? Is it a moral issue or just my preference?

8:15What's comfortable to me? Make a list. Begin to actively notice it, noticing when your control issues trigger power struggles unnecessarily. If you want to go deeper, really examine why these things bother you so much? Is it because you got rewarded or punished for doing things a certain way as a child? Is it because you feel like your kids will be capable of so much more if they just did it your way? Do you feel indignant at times when your kids don't do it your way, as if they're personally offending you by seeking a different way? Do you feel like they're being lazy by not caring as much as you do.

8:59All those feelings are very common. Okay, number two, purposefully, intentionally practice completing one activity imperfectly. And I mean that. I think it was the last podcast. I really struggled with leaving it as it was, but I did that on purpose because I really want to lead on these issues and model that. Leave the house without doing everything you normally do. Go to bed and leave two dishes in the sink unclean. Now, two, not three. That's asking too much of you. But practice this daily. Look, I don't edit my Instagram videos. I don't edit the podcast. So I encourage you, practice this. It will really free you.

9:45Number three, sit. This is a challenge for you. Sit in the midst of what bothers you without fixing it. If your kids have a messy bedroom, sit in the midst of that bedroom without trying to fix it. Let it bother you, but resist fixing it and making it better. Here's the challenge. Take something that triggers you. And it's not hard to find because we get triggered very easily and our kids are good at pushing our buttons. Sit in the midst of it without trying to fix it. without trying to control your kids or without trying to control the situation at all. Sit until it doesn't, until it no longer viscerally triggers you anymore.

10:30It's still going to bother you, but the difference is you don't react out of that. Does that make sense? If you want to go to an extra step, you could compliment your kids and say, hey, nice job with that, but you can't add, but if you would just do X the way I do it. So, number four You know what I was going to say? I was going to say we should just end right there on this podcast And I'll give you those challenges of practice imperfection And sitting in the midst of triggers without fixing it That's probably enough for the week But let's keep rolling Number four, step back, give your kids ownership, let go I want you to try and experiment How many of you have noticed that sometimes when you are sick And can't do everything for everyone else Your kids actually step up.

11:19So do this. One night this week, fake like you're sick. Just act like a man. You know how we are. Oh, no, I have a sniffles. I think I'm coming down with a flu. We milk that for everything we can get. So moms, especially, lie down on the sofa and let the kids know, guys, I'm not feeling well tonight. So I expect you to prepare something for dinner and take care of your own homework. Now try that. I know that's going to be really hard for you. But what you're really communicating is this. I respect you guys enough to believe you're capable of taking care of yourselves without me hovering over you or micromanaging or doing everything for you.

12:00Obviously, you can't do it with an infant or a toddler. As your kids get older, turn over dinner to them sometimes. And just watch what happens. Now, look, here's the thing. They're probably going to make mac and cheese or chicken nuggets. don't expect anything healthy. They're going to leave stuff smeared on the counter. They're not going to clean out the pots and pans the way you would. But they're kids. Just because you were ultra responsible as a kid and need therapy now because you're a resentful people pleaser and overachiever doesn't mean you impose that on your kids. And so you just say, hey guys, really good job making your own dinner without burning the house down.

12:39And that's it. No nagging lecturing about all the things they did wrong. I'm challenging you with that, moms and dads. Step back. Fake like you're sick. See what they do. And maybe one night a week, they're responsible for their own dinner. Okay, number five. Here is another challenge. I hope you're up for it. Let's talk about your child's study habits or lack of study habits. Because obviously, you want your kids to study like you did. That makes sense to me. But I'm going to challenge you to say this to one of your Strong Well kids. I admire the way you come up with creative workarounds so you can still get good grades or passing grades without studying like I did all the time.

13:25Oh, that's going to be hard. And I know where your anxiety is. Well, if they don't learn proper study habits now, later on, when the work gets harder, they won't be able to keep up. I get that. But that's not where we're at right now. Stop projecting into the future. And by the way, your kids will figure it out later on. But right now, it makes sense to me that they do the bare minimum just to get by if they don't really value it. But I want you to say to them, hey, I believe you're capable of handling that, and then turn it over to them. Okay, what about kids who resist you, who reject what you say first?

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16:11Strong-willed kids often have to reject what you want first before they own it themselves. They will reject the way you study. They'll reject your focus on good grades until they discover that internal motivation inside of them. They will reject your view of politics and faith because they want to wrestle with deeper issues and ideas first and come to their own conclusion. So give them space to do this without getting defensive or freaking out or trying to convince them to believe like you. Your strong-willed child doesn't want to do things because his mommy or daddy want him to. They have to wrestle and fight and try different ways first.

16:51They have to fail and experience some hard lessons, touch that hot stove. But on that day, and it could be three months or three days or three years from now, when your child comes downstairs early and fixes something healthy to eat because it affects his or her body, that is the day they will have owned it, and they'll own it forever. Whenever, when your kids wrestle with these ideas with their faith, it becomes a more solid faith because they came to it on their own after wrestling with it. It's actually what we want. We want critical thinking kids and we want them doing this. Some of us have compliant kids and we like that because they're easier.

17:37But some of those kids are compliant for a little while because they just want to please you. But later on, they will reject your way because they never really owned it themselves. So think about that for a minute. Number seven, find something your child is doing that you'd normally jump in and do for them and instead purposefully don't help or fix it. Get comfortable with your kids doing things differently than you do them. When your young child is struggling to get their karate uniform belt tied correctly and is frustrated, don't jump in. Let them do it the wrong way. Seriously, work on that.

18:19I asked Casey yesterday one of the things that used to bug me, and of course he listed off like 17 things. But here's a good example. For years, he and I traveled together for live events across the country, often doing like two events per day for 10 days straight. It was intense. And we'd have these morning events and we'd have to get there about 45 minutes early before the event started. So as a grown adult, of course, I'd wake up early because I'm responsible. I'd sneak out of the hotel room as quietly as possible. I'd go to the hotel gym for a workout and grab breakfast. Then I would come upstairs to get ready.

18:54And I was always hoping Casey would just be there ready to go. but instead he was sitting in the same bloody sweatshirt he always wore with his hood over his head, texting his friends or whatever he was doing. He wasn't doing anything wrong. It was my own anxiety that I was projecting onto him because I just wanted him to be ready. And I used to joke in my head about like, should I offer to run the bathwater for him? That's how crazy we get with this stuff. And here's what happens. Every single time Casey made it on, he was on time and his job was to go pull up the car for me so I didn't have to carry my luggage all the way out to the parking lot.

19:43Every single day he was ready on time. You know what the problem was? I didn't like the way he got ready. I didn't like how he did it, and it was my own issue. And so I finally just said, okay, this morning, I'm just going to focus on myself. I'm going to get ready, and I will trust that he gets ready. And he did. Okay, number eight, apologize to your kids if necessary. Look, I'm sorry. I'm always trying to get you to do things my way. Inadvertently, I've sent the message that you're not capable of being successful unless I'm micromanaging you. But you're creative, and I know you're capable of being successful on your own.

20:26And you know it's even more effective than an apology to actually stop trying to control how they do things all the time. Number nine kind of goes with that. Affirm them for doing it differently. I admire you because you like tinkering with things and touching the hot stove. You aren't afraid to do things differently than everyone else. I conform too much. I wish I was more like you. Now, you don't actually believe that sometimes, but say it anyway. You know what? Well done. Begin saying things like that because it's going to counter the narrative you've been speaking over your child since they were born through your words and actions that they can't please you, that you're never happy with how they do things.

21:09Number 10. This is a fantastic example of what I really want you to work on. Give your child ownership over his or her own choices. And a mom emailed this to me. Our daughter is 10. She came to me and she wanted to win a prize in class for a special project. And so I could see that she was procrastinating. She wasn't putting in what I thought was the proper effort. And it bothered me on many levels. Listen to the honesty of this mom. For one, I am a project manager. It's my day job. I understand the importance of writing down the different steps to take, giving a completion date and being proactive.

21:48Two, I am probably great at my job because I grew up in a chaotic home and learned that getting all the details right helped me feel safe. Three, it bothers me that she does a half job on things she purportedly cares about. Can you hear that inside? I felt that inside of me like, yes, she says this is important to her. Casey said this playing this sport was important to him. Well, if it was important to him, why isn't he putting in more effort? You feel all of that. And so, four, I love my daughter and I don't want to see her disappointed if she doesn't win the prize because of what I perceive to be carelessness or lack of effort.

22:38Previously, I would have sat her down and explained all of this to her in detail and offered to make a list of the steps with her. and then the mom said I wouldn't have actually offered I just would have pressured her and guilted her into doing it with me against her wishes right and then it would have sparked some big fight with me right and I'd feel indignant about her attitude when I'm just trying to help you do what you say you want and she would have felt once again that she could never really please me but I've been working through your programs really taking them to heart 30 days to calm Strong Willed Child Program have probably saved our relationship.

23:20So I worked through my disappointment and simply acknowledged to myself, this really bothers me. But then I didn't act on it. I did back off and shut up. So all I said was, hey, if you want any help with that project, I'm happy to help, but I know you're capable of crushing it. Well, it seemed, mom said, that seemed like a lie I was telling myself. So as the days went by and I didn't see any progress, my anxiety went through the roof and it bothered me so much. I actually asked my husband, can I make one little comment and see if that sparks anything inside of her? And he is a recovering perfectionist who's actually changed so much after listening to you.

24:04And he said, would it really change anything? And I had to admit no, it would not. So I began to prepare myself for her defeat and resulting sadness. And that alone was eye-opening. I knew I'd want to say, you know, if you had prepared more and planned the project out better, you could have won. I knew I couldn't say that. So I was planning to just let her own her own disappointment, sadness, without having to prove my point. And that's a win for me and for us as a family. two days before the project was due and you all have seen this my daughter comes in requesting that I take her to the store to get some supplies and the previous me would have lectured her about not waiting until the last minute I realized I was technically right about all of this and yet you say relationships are more important than being right so I took her I didn't say a word and I stood back and watched it unfold She stayed up way too late for two nights in a row.

25:07That caused her to be in a bad mood, which also bugs me. But I didn't take it personally or lecture her about the need for sleep or try to jump in. I was actually proud of myself for offering to get her a late night pizza the night before the project was due while biting my tongue about all the other stuff. And listen to what the mom said. She said, I watched my daughter's intensity. that hyper focus you talk about that inner drive i heard your words in my head that she wants to own it herself not do it my way and i have to admit at 11 30 p.m i rolled into bed snuggled up to my husband and cried all these years i've misjudged my little girl because of my own control issues i have only seen her actions through a negative prism because she's so opposite of me And I told my husband through tears that for the first time I was really seeing who our daughter is.

26:08And that I am appreciating that fierce independence, that intensity, that willingness to do things the hard way, even though it irritates me. And now we have a mom who will be freed. These control issues have ruled her in many ways, confined her her whole life. and she's breaking free of it. Her daughter now is infused with confidence knowing, hey, my mom believes in me. My mom stepped back. And now their relationship is being restored and they'll grow closer. This is what happened to me with Casey. So if we can help you with that, let us know because that's our mission. If you need help with our programs, if you need, they're on sale now, but if you need help financially, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecom.com.

26:56Love and respect you all for doing this hard work. I really do.