Why Won’t My Kids Do Easy Things When I Ask?! #550

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1:29On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level, and they're not forced into a single learning path. Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and iXL consistently reinforces success. Plus, iXL gives you as the parent feedback on their progress so you know where to focus your efforts. make an impact on your child's learning, get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you ever get frustrated and just think like, why won't my kids just do what I ask them to do?

2:16It's not like I'm asking them anything unreasonable or to do anything that is that hard. It's like I do half the stuff for them anyway. It's not like we fought our parents like this when we were kids. And why do they have to fight me all the time? Why can't you just do what I ask them to do? Well, of course you have those feelings because you have a strong-willed child. And that's very normal. So on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you some tools so you can actually release your kids to do what they need to do, but without you badgering them and micromanaging them and ruining your relationship with them.

2:55So this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I am glad you are here. You can find us and our, I think we're continuing our New Year sale, even though we're well into the New Year. Why? Because it's our organization. We can do whatever we want and we're strong-willed as well. So you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump into this. I'm going to answer a series of questions from parents and try to demonstrate some of these principles. And the first question is this. It was a dad emailed and he's like, hey, we got this new dog. And one of the first things the dog did was chew up some of our youngest son's toys.

3:30And now our son doesn't like this new dog, but we love this dog. and when he sees, this is awesome, when this little boy sees other dogs, he's like, oh, you're such a great dog. And then he berates it and puts down his own dog. And so the dad's like, we don't want to have to get rid of this dog. Like, how can we make this kid get our kid to like the dog? And so here is the answer. And I'm choosing this one, even though it doesn't relate to many of you, but I promise you when you hear the principles and the process, you will be able to relate this to so many different situations in your home. So here's what we typically do, right?

4:13Sometimes we'll start with the convincing tone where it's like, well, buddy, you know, it's our new dog and he deserves a second chance. And I think once you really get to know him, you're really going to like him. Well, here's the deal with convincing. When you try to try to convince a strong-willed child of something, you usually get the opposite result. It just doesn't work. And many of us spend our kids' whole childhood trying to convince them to believe what we believe, and they will almost always reject that, partly because it sounds like weakness. Sometimes we will use guilt on our kids.

4:50And I do warn you, those of you who are religious parents, watch bringing God into things well I think God wants us to be able to forgive and now you're using like God is the bad guy and it's just like I can't get you to believe this so I'm going to bring in this extra authority figure watch that you don't want to use guilt to get kids or any humans to do other things sometimes we take the hard line approach you know what we're not getting rid of the dog so you need to suck it up and just like the dog and you better like the dog because we all like the dog Well, you know with strong-willed kids, they're going to reject that as well.

5:27So what if, dad, mom, you walked into this situation and you just had an honest talk with your son and you said, well, of course you wouldn't like this new dog. The first thing he did was chew up some toys that you really like. I probably wouldn't like that dog either. and then you stop pressuring the child because you know this happens in your home we make all these little comments because we just can't control ourselves and we're like you know that dog is really cute you know he's really fast you know that dog if you would do right and we and we plant all these little seeds but you know what you're planting is a lot of pressure and you just keep mentioning it and what I told this dad is I promise you if you will release your son from the expectation that he is supposed to like this dog I promise you if you give your child some space in time he will on his own time grow fond of this dog and bond with this dog but you have to give your kids space to come to it because if what you want your child to do is laced with your expectations they will always reject that they don't want to believe in things they don't want to do things just because someone else wants them to do it does that mean you let them get away with everything no we've been through that a million times but you what but you have to let go of that those strong, those expectations that are largely driven by your anxiety.

7:10Because this is. Well, we really want him to like him because we all love this dog and we don't want to have this constant conflict with him. And see, all of those feelings inside of you actually work against you. And if you want, here's another principle. If you want something too badly, your strong-willed child will reject that because what they know is you want it so badly that they will never be able to please you and that comes in the form of grades and different behaviors in this situation so i told the dad i was like just release him from that pressure of having to like a dog because he doesn't have to like the dog and what happened was the rest of the family just went about enjoying the dog and they gave this child space and there were times where the dad would notice that his son was starting to go up and talk to the dog and pet the dog and when they finally backed off of him it freed him that's a big principle when you step back from micromanaging from lecturing from trying to make your kids do things, it gives them space to step up.

8:24It's like it frees them to do what is right without all of your pressure. So really internalize some of those things and use that in different situations this week and watch how that works. Okay, second question was this. Well, we've got our daughter just had a birthday party and people brought gifts and she wouldn't say thank you she's a really shy kid well here's what i know about this some of that is going to be your own embarrassment right because all the other parents are like well i can't believe that your daughter didn't say thank you for the birthday gift and you look at all the other kids the neurotypical or whatever compliant kids and they're always so oh mrs johnson it was so thoughtful of you to give me that gift and your child just like is looking down and is grunting and i get that And there's a certain amount of guilt maybe that you internalize thinking, have we done something wrong?

9:19Why didn't we teach her the proper way? You just have a shy kid. I was voted shyest boy in my high school class. I was shy as a kid. You know how this works when you're in a grocery store and a friend of yours comes up and you're like, oh, Sarah, say hi to Miss Johnson. And your child like hides behind your leg. Honey, that's rude. And now watch, all this pressure is brought to bear on a little kid who's just naturally shy. And the more you pressure this child to say thank you, to come and talk to strangers, because you've taught them stranger danger, and now you're asking them to say hi to a stranger.

9:57But the more you pressure, the more they will resist. You have to release your kids to come to some of these things on their own timeline. So does that mean just let them get away with things? No, you model it, model it, show them, give them space. And the moment you release them from some of this pressure, they will step up and do it themselves. But watch this pressure thing that comes from us. They don't want to do things while you're watching them. Look, this applies to potty training. and poop. Look, if someone walked around all day and asked you, hey, do you have to go? Do you have to go?

10:38Do you need to use the bathroom? What about now? You got to go? It's been an hour. Don't you think you need to pee? Don't you need to poop? Well, what would happen? You would become constipated, but we do that to our kids daily because we're like, well, I got to get them to potty train. I got to get them to do that. Or many of your kids were potty trained, but then you had another kid and they've reverted back to just needing a diaper. And there's all kinds of competition and other things going on. I'm going to address that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do a series coming up on potty training, bedtime sleep issues and eating food issues.

11:15But for right now, what I want you to know is if you will just release your child from some of those expectations, it may release something inside of their bowels because you're not standing over them all the time. So that also relates to this of releasing your kids from your artificial timeline. And I know how this works. It's hard because you look at other people and their kids are progressing and doing all of these different things at this certain time. All of those timelines are just artificial. Your strong will kids will often bloom a little bit later. They have to take their own time. your kids will watch think about this we always uh what is one of those phrases oh when we were kids when i was a kid well now you're just holding your child captive to your experience from two decades ago well that's not right and that's not fair so i think about this when you're trying to get your child to do something and it's and and you're pressuring them doesn't it feel like sometimes they're just staring at you, like waiting for you to back off.

12:30And they're not always mature enough to say, Mom, Dad, I know what you want me to do. It's very clear. You've told me like 8 ,000 times. But if you're just going to stand there and always be watching me and waiting for me to do it and then correcting me when I don't do it the first time the right way or your way, I'm out. I want no part of that. And I will just resist you, even if you give me consequences, even if you take things away from me. I am not laboring under your pressure and under those expectations. I simply refuse to do that. But if you will step back a little bit and give me some space to figure things out myself, oh, I will take some steps forward.

13:14But there's no way I'm doing it while I'm under all of your pressure because you'll never be happy with it. You've seen this before. Like if your child is in the living room, they're building with something, they're tinkering with things and making something and working or working on some project. And you walk into the room and out of a good heart and good intentions, you come in because you want to help your child. And you're like, oh honey, let me show you a different way to do that because I can show you a better way, easier way, a quicker way to do it. And immediately your strong willed child is like, I'm out.

13:46Why? Because they don't want to do it your way and they know that your way comes laced with so much anxiety and so many expectations. So if you want to write a note down to yourself and put it on your mirror or one little phrase this week, just write down, step back so my kids can step up and be responsible for themselves because that's the goal of our parenting. It's not just to change their behavior it's for our kids to learn how to be in control of themselves and watch all of our lectures and pressure is us just being responsible for our kids what we really want is for them to learn to be responsible for themselves so think about that for a minute See, this almost always comes back to us, not as blame or guilt, just that we have an extraordinary amount of power with our kids and their behavior and their development just by controlling our own anxiety and all of those pressures inside of us that we're putting on our kids.

14:59So we're talking about releasing your kids from this pressure. Well, I want to release you from some of this pressure. I want to release you from the idea that you are responsible for your child's success in life Now, what you're responsible for is to model how to live life Let them see you living it out But you can't control whether they're successful or not And part of what's hard about being a modern day parent Is that we're so aware of everything that our kids say and think and do Whereas like our parents barely knew our names at times. We were outside all the time. And so part of the beauty is we're very connected to our kids.

15:42But now we get very entangled with them. It's like, well, I think if I just focus on every single thing that they do, I can kind of construct a successful child. Well, what happens is you actually, it kind of keeps them from growing and progressing. And they shut down even more. I want to release you from the idea that you are responsible for your child's happiness. You are not responsible for the happiness of any other person on this planet. And moms and dads, especially moms, because you have these big hearts and it's hardwired into you. That will cause you so many issues. And I do encourage you, for those of you who have our programs, I just updated the 30 Days to Calm program.

16:27Tons of new content and new strategies. We go through some childhood issues, this entanglement with constantly taking the temperature of the home, all those things. So definitely, even if you went through that program before, do it again fresh because there's so much content in that. And if you don't have that, go through it. But one of the things we go through is releasing from that idea that I'm responsible to try to take care of, manage everybody's emotions and manage everybody's happiness. You are responsible to your child. You are responsible to model, to be kind and thoughtful, to listen, to be patient, to teach them, to problem solve.

17:02But you're not responsible for making them happy or managing their moods. Moms and dads, you cannot do that in your home for your spouse, for other people. It will lead to adrenal fatigue and all kinds of issues. And you can't do it. You are not responsible for your child's boredom. That is theirs to handle. You give them some tools, but you have to give them space so they can own that. Because otherwise, you're going to have to be like their circus clown for their entire childhood. That's not your job to do. Some of you, you have to release yourself from the idea that your job is to make sure everything goes well.

17:40That everything is perfect. And that's why I like practicing imperfection. so I want you to resign from that job that you have felt like you've had to do for maybe your whole life probably look some of these are childhood issues you had a home in which you had an alcoholic parent or there was a lot of chaos in the home so what happened as a little kid you were like hey if I'm gonna feel safe I gotta jump in and start taking care of things or so you become highly conscientious you become a caretaker of other people and then later in life you become a nurse you become someone in a helping profession you become the mom that manages the temperature of the home and takes care of everything, make sure everything goes well.

18:18Or maybe you became the good girl or good boy growing up. And so now you're just always trying to please everybody else and that will eventually wear you out. I want you to release you from this, from thinking that every single action and choice your child makes will determine whether they turn out right or not. It's just not true. I want to release you from that lie. Every decision will not impact the future. Sometimes you have to do what works in the moment just to get through the day. And when you have strong will kids, I know you're going to get judged by other people and you're going to watch and see how everybody else does it.

18:57Your life is going to look different. And I want you to know that's okay. Do what works for your family because other people have no idea how hard this is. Do what works for your family. Surround yourself with people who get it. It's kind of like with that family dinner time every night. Well, we have to do family dinner time every night because that's how you connect and bond with your family. Well, it's not going to work if you have a little kid who literally can't sit still right now or you have your 8 or 10-year-old who's fidgeting a little bit and every night at dinner table's dad's saying, Jacob, Jacob, you are going to sit still at the dinner table.

19:35we're going to enjoy dinner together as a family. Well, apparently you're not. So what if a couple nights a week, you feed the little kids early and just let them eat while they're standing or playing or sitting on the floor and then you and your spouse, and if you have a child who's just great at the dinner table, you enjoy dinner together without all this pressure. Is that the way you always envisioned it? No, but it's what works And there's nothing wrong with that because now you can bond with your kids after dinner where they don't have to sit perfectly still at a table and eat perfectly and finish everything on their plate.

20:15Now you're going to create all kinds of food issues and eating disorders. So relax with that a little bit. Now, I want to show you one other. This is perhaps the most powerful way to release your kids from your expectations. And I saved this for the end. And so I just took an excerpt from our programs because I find this to be a very, very powerful step. It has a very, there's a really deep quality about this that will reach deep inside of your kids. So these are some things that you can say to your kids. You can actually write some of these things to your kids. but mostly it's an attitude that you begin to take toward your kids that I think you will find extremely powerful.

21:07Son or daughter, I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations that you know inside are simply not right. They're just old traditions, maybe things that have always been expected, but it doesn't mean they're right. I release you to do what's right. Quick side note, I did this with our son when he was in school, and some of the schools had a policy, which I totally get, which is zero tolerance for any kind of physical stuff going on. But what I told Casey is, hey, I know what the rules of the school are, but if there is a kid who is getting beat up, or a kid who's being hurt physically, you are always allowed, and I expect you, if it's safe, to jump in and stick up for that person.

21:58If you need to subdue the bully in order to protect another child, oh, you do what's right. You don't, look, you don't always have to follow the rules, but I always want you to do what is right in life. And if because of that zero tolerance policy, you get suspended for two or three days, that's fine. I'll take days off work and we'll go and have fun and celebrate the fact that you did the right thing. It's a little bit of a side note. But sometimes you have to release these kids from this. I release you from thinking that grades and behavior are the most important qualities to develop. When in fact, here's what's most important.

22:35It's your persistence, compassion, your ingenuity, your creativity, your desire to help others, your ability to see patterns in things, your critical thinking skills. That's what's going to make you wildly successful in life. And look, you can begin doing things with a toddler. Release them from your expectations. Look, the expectations of a toddler are that they're supposed to be curious and get into things and make messes and ruin your agenda and explore. So inside, you begin releasing them. And you'll notice as you do this, you'll stop complaining so much about that and talking to your friends and your spouse.

23:13like oh I can't believe that my child got into these things and you're like well of course I can believe that they did because that's their job as a little kid is to be impulsive and to make messes and to get into things because otherwise you will begin to clamp down I get emails all the time like we have a three and a half year old we have a four year old and they're driving me crazy and I get that but it's like what are you expecting are you expecting your four year old to act like a 44 year old or are they supposed to be difficult at times and they're because they're just figuring life out right there they haven't figured out how many of us have a hard time like keeping a certain bedtime or certain routines and we're grown adults so it makes sense to me that a little kid who's absorbing all these new things in life and and all this anxiety and wondering about the future has trouble at night sleeping sometimes.

24:07So when you release your kids from some of these false expectations, you're actually releasing them to listen more, to do it the right way without all your pressure. I'd encourage you, release your child from some of some of your faith and family expectations, especially ones that are just old traditions you grew up with and you never challenged. But the strong-willed child is going to come along and they're going to challenge every single thing that you believe. And they're going to push you out of your comfort zone. You're going to begin questioning things yourself. And you're going to find that this child that you think is being rebellious was probably given to you so that you could be changed because they're not afraid to question.

24:50And if you handle that in the right way, man, you will both grow so much and you want your kids questioning things. These are kids who have to reject what you want first so they can own it themselves. but once they own it, it's deep inside of them. They just don't want to do it because mommy or daddy or teachers or society told them to do that. And I'm still doing that with Casey at times, of just releasing him to do life the way he's supposed to do it, not the way I have done it. And the ironic part is when I release him from pressure, he usually would listen more and follow our lead. Now here are some really powerful statements.

25:30I release you from thinking you have to be like me I release you from thinking you have to do things the way I would do it I release you to be the person you're supposed to be Not the one that I wanted Not the expectation that I put on you I release you to be who you are supposed to be Not to be a little me this one is really important moms and dads I release you from thinking you need to be like your siblings you don't you're supposed to be different I'm glad you're different because you bring different things to the table you have different unique gifts and passions and interests you have to do that with siblings or the strong willed child who is usually the one in trouble will grow resentful toward the good child and you will have endless fights and resentment between those siblings.

26:31So release them. I release you from the false expectations of society and I ask you to forgive me for comparing you to your siblings, to your peers. Man, if you don't do that, these kids will internalize, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm less than. This is really important stuff. I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate. There's no one path. And kids like you, you've got this busy brain that has great ideas. And you're a deeper processor of information. That's why you connect better with adults. It's why you excel in the adult world. And so I take the pressure off of you to conform to someone else's timeline.

27:16I free you from comparison to siblings, to peers, to others. and if you bloom a little later know that when you do it is going to be spectacular it will be in the right timing because it is your timing so take your time don't force it and know when it know when it's time you'll go to the next step i release you to discover and follow the path you are supposed to take not the path that i or anyone else has wanted you to take forgive me for trying to make you be like everybody else. I want you to be you because we need your creativity, your ingenuity, we need your perspective. So moms and dads, let's work on that this week, releasing your kids from your expectations and your anxiety.

28:10And when you do, you will find your kids will step up more when you step back. They will take ownership over their choices. their boredom, their lives. They will follow your lead when you stop badgering them and pushing them to follow you. When you release them from those expectations and you step back so they can step up, when you control your anxiety, release them from your pressure. So I know this is hard stuff. Thank you for working so hard at this. I have so much respect for you for really digging in and working at this. I thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for going through the programs and working so hard.

28:51If we can help you in any way, please let us know. Okay, love and respect to you all. Bye-bye.