Why Your Child’s Fierce Autonomy is Good & How to Get Husbands/Siblings To Understand #583

0:00Sarah Davis:So I like surprises knowing my family got me something thoughtful for my birthday or Father's Day. But I'm also practical. So every year I go to CozyEarth.com and I pick out a couple Cozy Earth Heavenly Soft Bamboo shirts and pullovers. It's a gift to myself. And I don't even do nearly as much as moms do. So moms, treat yourself now and for Mother's Day. You do so many things no one is even aware of as a mom every single day. You bring comfort and softness to your family that's irreplaceable. So ask for, or just go get incredibly soft and comfortable, Cozy Earth PJs, sheets, plush robes and slippers, or casual wear that feels like you're wearing heavenly clouds.

0:45Sarah Davis:It's the kind of elegant comfort you deserve all year long. So go to CozyEarth.com and use code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. That's CozyEarth.com and use code CALM for 20 % off because home starts with mom. So many of our neurodivergent ADHD and PDA kids struggle with school refusal this time of year because they're emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. So I encourage you to check out IXL as a positive alternative at IXL.com slash Kirk. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12. On iXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path.

1:30Sarah Davis:And iXL allows our kids to learn at their own pace and be independent. For kids like ours, the best learning is fun and interactive. We know so many kids who love iXL because their video tutorials and games just help kids feel smart and successful. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. If you misunderstand what really motivates your kids and their need for autonomy, it will provoke even more fierce defiance, pain, and pushback.

2:17Sarah Davis:So I want to show you exactly how to help kids who don't always want to be helped. I want to show you how to help siblings who may not understand why you give your child accommodations and also help a spouse who is reluctant and just thinks you're letting your child get away with things. So that is what we're going to discuss on this special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. I'm going to pull some examples and excerpts from our PDA parent program to use as examples here. PDA is very different from just being a strong-willed child. They're not the same. But there is some overlap, and we can use some principles and strategies that work with PDA kids for our other kids.

3:00Sarah Davis:And it's important to note that so much of this has nothing to do with the child and much to do with our own response as parents, no matter what your child is like. And if you're interested in PDA, you can go to celebratecom.com slash PDA. Just look for the PDA tab. We've got a bunch of separate podcasts there, entire program. And we also have our spring sale going on there. So I do think we often misunderstand our kids. Most of society punishes these kids because they do desire autonomy. They want to do their things their own way. They need to touch that hot stove. And I personally think the drive for autonomy is a net positive.

3:45Sarah Davis:It's what we should be cultivating in our kids, obviously, with clear boundaries and respect. Our goal is not really to raise obedient or compliant kids or childs, but responsible kids. Look, our son Casey was rarely easy, frequently argumentative, virtually never obedient outwardly. but he was always responsible when it mattered, and he is to this day. That's why he's a very reliable person. If he says he's going to do something, he does it. If you just give him a mission and say, don't care how you get it done, just take care of it, he does. And that's an extremely valuable trait. So we're ultimately raising our kids to grow and mature into humans who can make their own choices, be responsible for their decisions and lead others i'll just give you some perspective encouragement since i'm older guy with a grown son two of my favorite qualities that casey possesses to this day are these right if i call casey and i'll say case i've got this idea you know something to do with the business or something else he just always tells me the truth hey dad that's a really dumb idea and i appreciate the bluntness if i ask him why i get a very detailed, thoughtful, well-reasoned explanation with bullet points.

5:11He's not doing it to prove his point.

5:13Sarah Davis:He's doing it because he genuinely cares about me and also thinks my ideas are stupid sometimes. So that's just who he is. It's who he's always been. And sometimes we're like, well, that was rude. And it's like, no, he was just being honest. I asked his opinion. and he knows in different situations not to always be that blunt with other people. I also love that if Casey is into something he's passionate about, whether that's his other work or ski mountaineering or being a good friend or cooking for us or taking me on a hiking trip, I never have to worry about him being prepared and conscientious.

5:53Sarah Davis:He is 120 % all over every detail. He's thought through all the possibilities from different angles. He's prepared for emergencies. He knows how to stay calm and be decisive under pressure. It's pretty amazing because I'm not always like that. But I can't say the same thing about him not leaving lights on in his house. So I'm constantly over there and I'll be like, why are the lights on? It's the thing that I got from my dad. But guess what? Not my electricity bill, but I do go around and I turn the lights off. So quick thought experiment. It's very easy to label more strong-willed and PDA kids as defiant and rebellious.

6:33But what about the kids who never say no to demands or accept even arbitrary expectations as legitimate?

6:42Sarah Davis:Are some of these kids or adults, if you're like that, in danger of being taken advantage of or used by others? Absolutely. You know, throw this thought in there as well. You know, we get on our kids who push back all the time. But you know what? Oftentimes, they're pushing back against arbitrary standards that don't matter. And the real issue is that there have been millions or billions of compliant people that came before them who just said, oh, I'll take that. And they established that arbitrary standard as a norm when they should have pushed back. But then our kids come along and they have the courage and the intelligence to say, hey, that's actually not very important.

7:28And they push back and then they get in trouble for doing what other people should have. And I'll tell you with our PDA kids, I think I put this in one of the first PDA parent podcasts that I did. Some of our kids are angry. You know why? Because they're pushing back because we didn't have the courage to do so. Some of us as parents didn't have the courage to push back on arbitrary things in school or in churches. And then our kids come along and they're like, why didn't you do this? You knew better and you didn't have the courage. So just something to think about. And I know in balance, our kids can be tough.

8:11Sometimes they're enigmas. They want desperately to do things their way, even if that makes it harder, even if that path is less traveled. How many of you have kids who will choose the path with the harsh consequences rather than just doing what you ask? They've got to touch that hot stove. It's part of the learning process. Your kids don't care that much about losing things. They just don't want to lose their autonomy. For some of you, that would be like losing your integrity. It's part of your identity and your soul. Well, that's what autonomy feels like for our kids. It's not about being self-centered or selfish and rebellious.

8:54Look, I only feel rebellious or angry when I'm being pressured to conform or give up my independence. I know this is hard to understand for those of you who are not like this, but I'm very content and happy when I'm allowed to pursue what intrigues and makes me curious. I'm not looking, I'm not out looking for a fight or I'm not wanting to tell other people what to do. I just want to be left alone and not have arbitrary expectations placed on me or that impede my pursuit. And I know you love your kids and inside you're screaming to them, please let me show you how to do this a different way that's faster, easier, more effective.

9:35And that won't hurt you. Your intentions are noble, but they will fall on deaf ears. because our kids and kids with PDA do not care about doing things faster, easier, or your way. They want to tinker with things. They want to see how they work. They want to come up with the answers themselves. And I think you'll find this real life example helpful. And it's, look, it's advantageous. It's what we ultimately want. So Daniel's mom signs him up for golf. Nice

10:05Sarah Davis:individual sport, which you'll notice a lot of our kids gravitate toward individual sports. Why? well they don't have to listen to some coach go on and on they don't have to stand in line they don't have to compete with other kids on a team it's theirs they determine solely by their own effort how well they do at rock climbing or gymnastics whatever it is so daniel is actually pretty good naturally at golf and he wants to make the high school golf team but he slices the ball a lot and mom is at the golf range and she can see what Daniel is doing wrong very clearly. She sees it. She offers to help.

10:47Only her offer sounds like she's insisting because it's laced with her reasonable anxiety. These kids, they pick up on that anxiety, right? Like, and here's what the mom's thinking, I can see so clearly how to help my son. I know he really wants to make the team and I can help him. If he doesn't fix this slice, he'll be incredibly disappointed and I don't want to see him sad and dejected and rejected from the team. Plus, if he makes a team, he'd finally be on a team with some other kids. Plus, I pay a lot of money and I invest a lot of time in golf for him. I mean, a little gratitude and willingness to let me help seems reasonable.

11:30Yes, it would be reasonable for most other kids. But Daniel and our kids, Daniel wants no part of your help. He wants to practice his swing and make adjustments and get frustrated and drive his driver into the grass and then try again until he finally, finally figures out what he's doing wrong. Now, some older guy may even walk by and make one small comment in passing like,

12:00Sarah Davis:hey, move your hips forward. And he'll listen to that because our kids often listen to other adults, not us. So mom, to her credit, controls her own anxiety. She goes and focuses on improving her game on the putting green. That's a huge part of this. like with food. Stop paying so much attention to what your kids are eating and just focus on what you're eating. You lead by example and you give these kids space. So she leaves and she says, hey honey, I know you'll figure this out. Now, does she really believe that? Not sure. But she gives them space to tinker and experiment and fail without being watched.

12:43It may be 90 minutes later and Daniel finds her in the clubhouse having a drink. I'm kidding. But Daniel finds her on the putting green and says excitedly, Mom, I want to show you something. And then Daniel proceeds to excitedly show her the adjustments he made to his swing. Now inside she's thinking, I could have told you that in three minutes and saved you all that aggravation. But we're missing the point here. The aggravation is part of the process. I wouldn't call it joy, but I call it meaning and satisfaction. See, these kids derive meaning from the struggle, not struggling with homework or things they don't care about, but the struggle from problem solving with things they care about, from wrestling with the issue and running it through their brains and seeing patterns and putting it all together.

13:39because once they figure it out, it brings an immense amount of internal satisfaction and pride and confidence. See, that is demanding. That's why I hate that we say these kids have demand avoidance and need accommodations all the time. That's not what just happened on that golf course driving range. That was a young man who demanded a lot of himself in that moment. He was mentally grinding those gears intensely focused on problem solving. He was being emotionally vulnerable and we miss that. See, if he didn't figure out his swing, he would have failed and possibly beaten himself up. Maybe he would have had to ask for help and that's hard.

14:28It requires something deeper of you when you do that. And he did that. He was, man, this is such an important point. He just rejected the external pressure and demand so that he could revel in the greater internal satisfaction from his own autonomy and problem solving. I hope you can see that. Sometimes by accommodating our kids, we are actually satisfying our own need for comfort while robbing our kids of the internal satisfaction that comes from doing something hard and meaningful. And I want you to let that sit for a moment. I don't want to rush past that. Now maybe in your workbook, if you get the PDA Parent Program, there's a workbook that goes on it.

15:17And I put in there, work on that on a piece of paper, write that down. Think through situations in your own life where you have seen this happen because this is a big insight that could change the trajectory of how you both see and interact with your child. And I would consider doing the following as well.

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16:58Sarah Davis:No artificial ingredients, no added sugars, no GMOs, just natural kid-approved fruit flavors they will love. and flavors like berry pomegranate that I drink twice daily. Ditch the expensive sports drinks that are loaded with sugar and food dyes and chemicals. Instead, do like we do. Keep packets of Cure with you everywhere you go, even in your kids' backpacks. No need to waste time and money at gas stations or drive-thrus when you can pour Cure into your water anywhere. Cure is offering our listeners 20 % off your first order at curehydration.com. Just use promo code CALM. That's CureHydration.com, code CALM, for 20 % off your first order.

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18:25Sarah Davis:Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals and home. Get up to 80 % off with fast and free shipping on everything. So go to Wayfair.com from April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Just take a few hours or the rest of the day or maybe a couple days to kind of meditate on this idea. I'd encourage you, share this with your spouse. And I'm just going to make some assumptions here. Forgive me if I'm wrong. There are a lot of men who feel shut out of parenting a strong-willed child and especially a PDA child because they're just too rigid and immature.

19:13Sarah Davis:That's actually not what I was going to say at first, but it's kind of true because I was that. I was always rigid and immature. Well, that's how you just need to get with the program. I don't need to do this. But here's the truth also. Many men feel shut out of parenting because many of us have experienced what I just described above with Daniel in their own lives. And so something about all these accommodations and just letting the child decide what they're going to do has rubbed them the wrong way, but they haven't been able to verbalize what it is that really bugs them. So many men just get flustered and say things like, well, you just can't let them get away with everything.

19:56And oftentimes we, as the more empathetic or understanding ones, have attributed that to them just being inflexible and judgmental and rigid. And sometimes it's true, when in reality, many men have experienced what Daniel just experienced in that example above. So I encourage you, share this with your spouse and ask, hey, could you just listen to this one, if you have our program, just listen to this one track where you can say, listen to this one podcast. Let me know if this explains what you feel inside about our child and our parenting. See, it may open up a new conversation and invite your spouse back into the process.

20:48Maybe you can both humble yourselves and apologize for not really understanding each other's intentions.

20:56Sarah Davis:Because it makes a huge difference if one of you can say, You know what? I just didn't understand. I've been a little bit too rigid. I know I push too much. That's not working. And the other one can say, You know what? I think I'm caught up in a little bit of an anxiety loop with our child. and giving too many accommodations, and that's not good either. See, now you can come out, you can support each other. As you find a balance, that would be incredibly helpful. And if you have a reluctant husband, that may get him to listen to more of the program and get on board because he's like, oh, see, I could handle that situation with Daniel like that, and I could identify with him because that's how I see the world.

21:38Sarah Davis:I would also consider asking your child if this is how they view the world and their place in it. Can you relate to this example? Ask them. They need to feel understood. They also need to understand themselves. That there's nothing wrong with them. That they're not demand avoidant, but they actually place great demands on themselves. And it's a good quality that they want to figure it out themselves. and expend all of that emotional effort and be vulnerable. I didn't realize a lot of things about myself like this until I was well into my 30s and even 40s, and I'm still unpacking insights five decades into my life.

22:24Now, down the road, after you've gone through the entire program,

22:28Sarah Davis:if you have, you may consider letting your other kids listen to particular parts of it. Why? so they can understand why their brother or sister does things a certain way. It will also give them insight into themselves. And if they are the generally compliant types who can be vulnerable to falling into the trap of people-pleasing and doing things so others will be happy, well, then you can work with them on learning how to say no and being assertive about their own needs. See, for some of your kids, That's one of the most important things they need to learn in their childhood is, hey, I deserve better.

23:07It's okay for me to say no. This is a huge one, and I've struggled with this one. It's okay for me to say no, even if I disappoint someone else. Ooh, because does that mean they're going to be mad at me? How many of you have been tripped up like that? So look, this is about all of us growing together. The mom and dad each have to grow in different ways. The child with PDA has to grow. The more compliant kids, we all need to grow. So look, this isn't really about parenting kids anyway. It's about all of us gaining self-awareness and learning new skills so we can grow up and have healthier relationships ourselves and with others, right?

23:50With ourselves and others. So this could change the entire family dynamic over time. Now, if you think it necessary or appropriate, you can apologize to your child and simply say, hey, I'm sorry I've misunderstood your motivations. That's it. You don't have to go on and on and explain things. An apology is just a statement of fact. Hey, I've misunderstood you, and I'm sorry for you for that. Honest and concise. Don't apologize over and over again. That becomes annoying, and it puts pressure on your child to constantly forgive you or say it's okay. the best apology is just course correcting and changing so you don't have to keep apologizing.

24:31Sarah Davis:Spend some time running through scenarios like the above that happen in your home. What has caused you in the past to act out of your own anxiety or discomfort? Do you have control issues? Yes, you do. We all do. What has the result been? There's no blame, no guilt, no judgment. It's just assessing the situation. Now, what can you do differently next time? Like this mom who said, hey, I'm going to give you some space and time to figure this out. And I'm going to focus on my life and improving my golf swing. And I'm going to focus on eating what's healthy for me. See, that's what I ultimately want to help you out with throughout this program.

25:14Now, that feels kind of exhausting even from here. So a couple more quick examples. Instead of the narrative always being, why won't they ever listen? Why are they so resistant to listening or being taught? Why don't we say this? Look, I love my child's independence.

25:28Sarah Davis:I love their willingness to learn the hard way. When my child puts his or her mind to something, oh, nothing stops them from learning how to do it. My child refuses to take the easy path and insists on the harder path, making his or her own way and path. I admire that now I know that's hard but our kids man when you can get behind that it is so cool so I just got another email from a couple they're going through the pda parent program saying we think we may have shot ourselves in the foot a bit by giving our child too many accommodations and communicating that he's not capable now I do not want you feeling bad about that or blaming yourself.