“Your Boots Are Dumb & My Friend’s Mom is Better!” Turning Ugly Moments into Bonding Memories #627

0:00So how many of you can relate to this mom? She said, I not only have to manage the emotional temperature of the home, but my own internal temperature fluctuations. So I took a chance and I tried the Cozy Earth bamboo sheets and pajamas. Total game changer for me. No more night sweats, much deeper sleep. I wake up feeling refreshed. We love hearing that because that's our experience with Cozy Earth. Incredibly breathable, heavenly soft, cooling and great quality. Cozy Earth gives you a 10-year warranty and 100 nights of hassle-free returns on bedding. During the hot summer, stay cool all day and night with Cozy Earth temperature-regulated bamboo shorts.

0:41I love these shorts. Tees, PJs, sheets, and their new beach towels. Cozy Earth is made from viscose from bamboo. Breathable, soft, and built for summer. So head to CozyEarth.com. Use my code CALM for an exclusive 20 % off. CozyEarth.com. Use code CALM for 20 % off. And please tell CozyEarth the CALM guy sent you. Hopefully your kids have enjoyed some downtime this summer, but it can be tough jumping back into structured school lessons. IXL makes that transition simple by meeting kids right where they left off and building from there. I personally would use IXL to create successes and get some wins to start the new school year.

1:24Perhaps even begin a couple weeks early with a reduced schedule just to work off that summer rust and build new habits again. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. So begin with a subject your kids are curious about. Our kids thrive on positive feedback, and IXL consistently reinforces success. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20 % off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

2:07We were watching this comedy special, and the comedian Jim Gaffigan mentioned the death stare he gets from his wife when he asked, What time is that school event tomorrow? So I texted Jim, hey, you need to get Skylight Calendar for your family. Okay, I don't know, but I did yell at the screen. Skylight Calendar syncs seamlessly with all your calendars, so you can relax knowing all the details of your family schedule are visually displayed in one place, with different colors for each family member. That means less stress, no more worrying about forgetting something important. Skylight Calendar is a game changer with the craziness of another school year upon us.

2:46and you can try it for four months absolutely risk-free. Families are better when they're working together. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners$30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com slash parenting. Go to myskylight.com slash parenting for$30 off your 15-inch calendar. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T dot com slash parenting. So rather than be grateful, your daughter spits out. Your boots are dumb. I don't even like them. Or she says, my friend's mom buys her better things than you. Oh, that hurts. What about a child who refuses to eat dinner? How do you handle kids who are easily irritated by sensory issues or want to smash their toys?

3:34Moms and dads, is this what you would imagine when you decided to have kids? Probably not. Is there a better way to get kids moving? or to de-escalate situations without using punitive or natural consequences that don't work anyway? Well, obviously the answer is yes, there is a better way or I wouldn't bother creating this episode. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast, and you can find that in our back-to-school sale. By the way, we will send all the programs to your child's teachers so you can start the school year on the same page, which is really cool.

4:12But that's all at CelebrateCalm.com. We appreciate you hitting the subscribe button for the podcast. It helps other parents with these kids find us. And any five-star review is a bonus. Much appreciated. Okay, I know it would be so much easier if you had compliant kids and you could tell them simple things like, well, if you make that choice, you lose your play date, your driver's license. And they respond, thank you for the clarity, mother and father. Now that I clearly understand the consequences of my actions, I shall make a good choice. But that is not the child that you have, and I deal with reality.

4:47So I encourage you, be curious. Enter into your strong-willed child's world. Understand them. Enjoy them. And then you'll stop fighting them so much, because some of you are still trying to fight their nature. Stop. So here's the first question I got after last week's episode on why natural consequences tend to backfire. So the parents said, my son was playing with a toy and he was trying to make it bend so he could build something really interesting and non-linear. Pretty cool. But the toy wasn't responding the right way to this child. So guess what? He got frustrated. He began kind of banging it a little bit out of frustration.

5:27So the parents said, hey, if you don't treat your toys well, we won't buy you any more of them. Well, I hope you're not offended. And I know that's what our parents said to us. But sometimes you kind of have to laugh at yourself with your own responses because you may as well have just said, hey, why don't you smash your toy into pieces and then go on a destructive rampage through the house, destroying your sister's things while you're at it? Because that's what's about to happen. Look, this is not a consequences issue. It's a frustration issue. And the big opportunity is to teach your kids how to handle their inevitable frustration because it is inevitable.

6:11This is their nature. This is who they're going to be the rest of their lives. And I mean this. You want intense kids who get frustrated. You do. It means they get a vision for doing things. Look, getting a vision for doing something is a lot harder and a lot more important sometimes than just following the vision of others and being good at following directions. So they get this vision and they care deeply about carrying out their vision, but they're usually trying to do things beyond their capability. And we miss that, but that's a fantastic trait, especially for kids we often label as lazy or unmotivated.

6:51motivated. Yeah, they're like that when we ask them to do things, but they actually put great demands on themselves. And when their vision outpaces their competence, they get very frustrated and lash out because they do care and they are conscientious. And it would be nice if they just responded quietly, hmm, it appears this isn't going to work, so I shall pause, regroup, and make alternate plans, but they never will. I still don't. Embrace this intensity. Use it to your advantage and learn to change your response rather than changing their nature. And this was a major pivot point in our home, in my relationship with Casey, when I began addressing the underlying frustration rather than the outward manifestation.

7:43So instead of trying to change the child, you change your response and it's hard because you and I have all these normal triggers when they start banging that toy just a little bit that noise is grating I hate that plus they're going to break a toy that I paid money for and possibly scratch my table and it's and it's sometimes it seems so irrational like why are you getting upset about this dumb little thing it's not even important but what I'm basically saying to the child is hey four-year-old eight-year-old 13-year-old Why don't you act like a 35-year-old? Well, they can't because they're not.

8:19But they can feel your irritation. And that often causes them to bang the toy even more. And I felt both of these things. I've been the parent who was like, why are you getting so upset about something dumb? Would you just stop it? You're going to break all your stuff. But I've also been that intense person who was trying to do something difficult. And I get frustrated. And sometimes we internalize it. Oh, I'm so stupid. Why am I reacting like this to a stupid toy not working the way I want? And there's a little bit of shame in there. There's some, you know what there is? There's helplessness in there at times.

8:53And I know you may not see it like this, but it's a good thing because you don't get upset unless you really care about something. So I want to recount a scene. I probably never told this story about Casey. it was when I first really understood this and we were in the basement in our home in Nashville he was actually working on writing his own song with his guitar and he couldn't get the chords right and when Casey got upset he was like that proverbial bull with the flaring nostrils so instead of trying to encourage him or convince him not to be upset I remember blurting out of course you're frustrated you're trying to do something really hard and unique that's very personal to you, and it's not going well.

9:39You know what? I'd want to break the effing guitar like Pete Townsend. You don't have to use that language. He was a little bit older, and I'm very intense, and he was intense. And what that let him know, well, one, it kind of threw him off a little bit, and it got his attention. And I'm not saying you should do that, but the intensity says, oh, you get it. So I said, I'd love that you don't just settle for trying to play music that other people have written. you actually want to create your own music. And then the tone would change and I'd add some movement. I'd start to leave. Hey, you know what?

10:14I was going to take a little break from my work and grab a snack on the deck. You want to join me? Now, here's why I like this. I acknowledged what he was really feeling with some intensity. And that shows I understood. I wasn't asking him to identify his emotions. One, because that's annoying in that moment. Two, because it was pretty obvious what his emotions were. And three, because he didn't need to first just talk. I wanted to move him out of the physical and emotional place where he was. So I invited him to come eat, partly because Casey loved to eat and was always hungry. But I also, I didn't ask him to come share his frustration with me.

11:00I invited him to eat. Now, he ultimately did share his frustration, but not because I prompted him. And this is important. And I don't know if I've even said it this way before. I sat in the discomfort with him without trying to make it better. Right? I wasn't trying like, hey, let's talk about your feelings, why you're so frustrated. Let's figure this out. It's like, no, I'm going to go have a snack. Why don't you come have a snack? And it's uncomfortable then. And I will tell you, he's 33 now. Now he's a six foot two intense person with a beard. And so there are times where he's really intense and you sit in the discomfort.

11:42And when you can do that, you will lead your kids to open up. It's really, really cool. It's just not easy in the moment. Now, you could also say something like this. Oh, remember last week when I was trying to fix the sink and I couldn't get that part unscrewed? Man, I just wanted to bang my wrench so hard against that stupid pipe. it normalizes the frustration and then I try to model a different response and the message I want to send is it's perfectly normal to get very frustrated we just don't want to act out of that frustration because that usually makes things worse like if I had banged that pipe I probably would have flooded the basement so I've learned to walk away and do something I do feel in control of and then go back when I'm fresh and calmed down.

12:31And so it actually becomes a learning experience for both of us. And we continue that to this day. Last year, we hiked a combined 1 million feet of vertical climbing. Why? Because that works off our frustration and our jerkiness. So it helped him see that he wasn't some out-of-control bad kid. He was an intense kid who cared deeply about his vision and needed help setting expectations and then responding differently to changes in plans. And I think that is an amazingly huge opportunity to have with your kids. So if you look at it, that situation can't be solved by consequences, but by giving my child tools to handle the frustration.

13:19But sometimes you can use straight consequences. is I've shared the example of a teenager who refuses to turn her phone in at the agreed upon time of let's say 10 o 'clock on a weeknight. She's refusing, she's got her door locked, the parents are in a standoff with her and there's no reasoning or negotiating necessary because I refuse to be held hostage for days fighting over something like this with empty threats and frustration. So you call Verizon, hey, please cancel the line ending in 8592. And that's a drama-free way to say, hey, this is how life works. You don't follow the rules, you don't get to use the phone.

13:55Now, they will create drama, of course, but you don't have to. And some parents just ask, well, if our son doesn't eat dinner, can we send him to bed hungry? Because that's what our parents did. Look, you can do whatever you want. I just try to give you options and say what usually doesn't work with strong-willed kids. You can do that if you want, but it won't work with a strong-willed child. They'll just likely do a hunger strike and you'll give in. Or you'll create unnecessary stress and tension around food. And you don't want this. You also don't have to fix different meals every night for your kids.

14:33I actually went through this in the PDA Parent Podcast because I don't agree with delivering food to your kids' rooms for extended periods of time. They can learn how to make mac and cheese. That gives them ownership and autonomy. So look that up at CelebrateHome.com on the PDA tab. and I know it's a trigger for many of you and I hear the complaints about picky eaters. I get it. Well, it could be that that tension at the table with a parent, like that was what I caused when Casey was little. I was tense all, sit up straight, you've got to finish your food. Why can't you do this? Well, that causes their stomachs to be upset and we know that anxiety lives in the stomach and many of your kids struggle with anxiety.

15:11But I'll also push back about the picky label. Why can't we just acknowledge that your child has preferences about what they eat? Look, I love eating. I look forward to most meals. But I'd be really angry in life if someone chose what I ate for every meal. When we complete a 20-mile hike with 4 ,500 feet of elevation, well, immediately afterwards, I get a burger and fries from a food truck. All that salt and fat is just glorious. But then when it comes to dinner, well, I want something lighter and cooler. And some days I just have a different preference. It's just based on what my body is feeling.

15:44So chill with the food issues. Teach your kids to cook, to heat up their own food in a microwave, but stop the fights over food. Model healthy eating like you model being generous and grateful and kind. Now, what about a child who is very particular and has sensory issues because many of you have this child? With the kids going back to school, Hungry Roots quick recipes are a savior on those busy weeknights. We just had the kids' savory beef, crispy broccoli, and fragrant jasmine rice with our nephew. This is utterly delicious and it only took 15 minutes to prepare. Hunger Root takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your week of meals that fit your whole family's tastes and nutrition goals.

16:31It's like having a personal shopper and chef all in one so you can spend less time planning and more time enjoying your kids. You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungeroot.com and use code CALM. That's hungeroot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. And let me know which meals you love most. hungeroot.com slash CALM code CALM. So we talked on a recent podcast about helping disorganized kids get organized as school begins. So I have an idea for you.

17:14Let your kids browse with you through Wayfair.com's huge selection of organizing tools. Let them choose bins and desk supplies they can use to feel more confident and in control of their space. I'm using Wayfair.com's 20 million verified five-star reviews to upgrade my home office where I record the podcast. Because you know how good it feels to be organized and have a place for everything. We love Wayfair because they have a huge selection of home decor and organizing items that are easy to find and order with great prices that fit any budget and fast-free shipping. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase so you can start saving on your next home upgrade.

17:58Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. So here's the scene. A mom is going out of her way at considerable expense to take her daughter, Svetlana, to ride horses. I love that name because it means light or one who shines, and this little girl does shine. Little Svetlana is in the horse barn putting on her riding boots. Now, if you have a regular kiddo, this is no big deal. The child is happy and grateful and smiling and excited. But sometimes the strong-willed child is anxious and particular and perhaps a little brooding and struggling a bit.

18:37And those of you with strong-willed kids, or especially kids with PDA, they may not even want you to watch them ride or show up at their competitions. That's very common, and I would respect that. They don't want to be watched or even praised at times. Now, like many of your kids, this daughter is very, very particular about how things feel. Like some weeks, those socks feel right, and some weeks they don't. And her boots on this particular day just aren't feeling right. So she starts kind of tossing around her boots a little bit. Now, here is your moment of decision. Because you can go with that whole F around, fool around and find out young lady approach, right?

19:20Svetlana, if you do not treat your boots right, you will not ride that horse. That's logical. It will work with some kids. But I will bet you$1 ,000 it will never work with this child, especially in this situation. But here is what is going to happen. The daughter is going to adopt this rude, snotty, disrespectful, even disdainful tone and say, fine, I don't even want to ride this stupid horse today. And mom will be aghast and double down, demanding a better attitude. You know what, those boots cost me$350, young lady. You will not treat them like that. Which to our kids is a challenge. It's a double dog dare.

20:00And they're going to respond, you know what, those boots are stupid. Sarah's mom actually buys her nice boots, and these dumb boots don't even fit right. See, now you have to wrestle with all these conflicting thoughts inside. The anger and resentment over all the things you do for this seemingly ungrateful child. I mean, you never got to ride horses when you were a child. And look at all the sacrifices you make so your daughter can do this. And this is how she repays you? Have you even said thank you? Am I raising an entitled child? Those are normal questions that will assault your heart and mind.

20:37And that is why you must control your own anxiety and not take things personally. Otherwise, you will say things you shouldn't ever utter. And your daughter will begin to internalize and think, Oh, is this what you really think about me, Mom? And that anger will build inside your child and come out in ugly ways in the teen years. The good news is that this entire situation can be handled almost effortlessly without a word spoken about little Svetlana's attitude. So mom acts like she's getting a phone call, excuses herself, steps out of the barn for three minutes, And she gives her daughter space to wrestle with her emotions, with her frustration, and with her boots without being watched, without being corrected.

21:29And when mom returns, her daughter is wearing the boots and a smile, ready to ride like nothing happened three minutes earlier. And I know you will be perplexed how this child turns that around so quickly and then moves on. That's because there's some shame in that initial response. Your kids know being defiant and snotty is wrong. They do. And naturally, they don't want to relive that moment and relive their shame. So they move on. Now, when they get more mature, they'll be able to address that in a healthy way and apologize. And later on, you can get the apology. But the daughter's attitude was not the main issue here.

22:12It was her frustration. And the mom in this situation beautifully held her tongue, gave her daughter some space, and then watched this intense child, who probably can't focus for three minutes on a stupid school worksheet, hyper-focus on riding because she cares deeply about riding and she cares about this horse. So here's a great example of how this can work. I'm working with this family. They've got a very strong-willed son, age 10. We'll just call him Leo. Not a good, strong name. And he just fights them over everything. So I told them, hey, let Leo listen to these three of our downloadable programs in the Calm Parenting Bundle.

22:57If you get those, we'll give you recommendations, what order to listen, which ones your kids can listen to. And I said, hey, give him an opportunity to have ownership over his morning schedule. But here's the deal. You, as the parents, are not allowed to utter a single word in the morning. So Leo listens and, of course, asks, why have you been holding back on me? These basically describe who I am and what I want. So Leo is like a future attorney, and he wanted this pact officially signed. So his parents granted him full autonomy over his morning routine. and he'd heard on the programs the example of, I've gone through this of like the only requirement is, hey, you've got to be at the bus stop at 7.35 a.m.

23:45It just doesn't matter how you accomplish that. So this is cool. Leo is a really sensory kid and he kind of experiences the world through touch and textures and sounds and he loves Legos, checkers, and video games. So the reframe here is that this is no longer an obligation or a chore, but Leo sees it as a real-life video game level. So he made a plan. Level one was the wake-up plan, which is usually a frustrating ordeal in which his parents remind and coax him 15 times to get up, and he yells at them to leave him alone, all of that. So he didn't want a jarring alarm sound, so he had an alarm clock that vibrated softly under his pillow, and that also mimicked the pulsing of a game controller and he didn't open his eyes right away.

24:39Instead, he reached for a small Lego block he left on his nightstand and he snapped a second brick onto it, then a third. And when you're doing that, I can tell you as a sensory person, there's this satisfying click, click, click that happens and it's kind of a sensory green light that your brain needs to wake up and it was all within his control. Things they manipulate in their hands are very calming. So level two, breakfast plan. Now, this is a particular kid just like Svetlana. He doesn't like mushy cereal. So instead, he treated his breakfast like a game of checkers and he used a square divided plate that looked like a grid.

25:23So the night before, he'd arranged crisp, dry waffle squares on the red spaces and precise piles of frozen blueberries on the black spaces. The rule he made was that he could only eat them by jumping pieces across the plate. So there was a crunch, there was cold, something sweet. Everything was separate, predictable, perfectly mapped out in his little engineering brain. Level three, getting dressed. Again, usually an ordeal because of his sensory needs. But Leo the engineer had come up with a plan. He hated the feeling of stiff denim or scratchy tags. So his entire wardrobe was already kind of like preset out.

26:02Ultra soft cotton pants and tagless tees. And after hearing this, I'm going to get him some cozy earth bamboo wear. It is all he will wear from now on. I actually have on, actually I do. I've got all my cozy earth shorts and bamboo shorts and a cozy earth pullover. It's like heaven. And they're not even paying me to say that. I'd like literally, I know people are always like, do you really wear that? Yes, all the time. So remember, we talked on an episode about reducing the friction for doing things. Well, he doesn't put his clothes in a drawer because that's out of sight. It requires extra work.

26:35Instead, he kept his clothes in a separate crate on the floor. And to make it a game, he set a timer on his watch for 60 seconds. So then he dives into his softest t-shirt, pulls on his pre-loosen socks, slips into his Velcro shoes, and he beat the timer with four seconds to spare. And for him, it's kind of like an achievement unlocked banner. So it's all around video games. But he's making, he's gamifying it, which I love. Level four, the final challenge, getting out the door without forgetting his backpack. On the back of the front door, Leo had built a giant checkerboard out of Lego base plates.

27:08And when his bag was packed, he moved a giant red Lego checker from the start square to the victory square. And at 7.31 a.m., Leo stepped onto the front porch, pulling his plush heavy hoodie tight around himself like protective armor. while his parents watched in silence. And there hasn't been any more yelling. There's no sensory meltdowns over itchy socks, no frantic searching for shoes with anxious parents getting frustrated, no annoying reminders. His parents said Leo came home psyched to start having more autonomy over his schoolwork, over bedtime, over dinner. Now, I can't guarantee your child is going to step up this way, but this happens more than you can imagine.