Al Franken Returns

26:31Oh, yeah, we all do. Yeah. Wait, what? No. Sona, we'll handle this. Oh, okay. I'm just a woman. I'm just going to sit over here quiet. The men are talking, Sona. And it was just discourse. The guy with the buffalo head. The beating over the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, so I remember when they took that vote, I was going like, well, how can you be damaged politically by voting for impeachment? That was pretty obvious. and 10 of them did. And I think probably all 10 went like, well, this is the right thing to do. And it's obvious, isn't it? Everybody, huh? And now they're in the private sector.

27:14Yeah. Do you time travel a lot in your head when you're watching everything that's unfolding and think, okay, if I was back there right now, what would I be doing? How would I be fighting this fight? Yeah, it's painful. It's painful. I regret resigning and all that. And it's very painful to watch. And, but, you know, I, you know, especially when we were seeing, I was relieved at the election. That wasn't the red wave everyone thought. Frannie, my wife, you know Frannie, it's as if Americans said, stop it. Yeah. You know, this whole election denial and stuff. But you saw what happened in the house, and it was kind of a squeezy time.

28:01Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, I know you have, you're a great granddad. I just have read that. I don't know that personally. My great granddad? No, you're a great granddad. Oh, I am a great granddad. That's officially, yeah, what we put out. Yeah. You handed me a type, your handler gave me a sheet of paper that said, mentioned he's a terrific i should have said terrific grandfather and i'm just doing as i was told yeah i thought you were gonna i thought like did my great grandfather die in the holocaust because i like i don't think i don't think we put that out yeah but um i know i'm a grandfather and i'm okay and i but no but what i'm saying is i think now about things so differently that i have kids that are 19 and 17 and i god you do think about things very differently when you have kids going out into the world about uh where we are and the level of discourse and i am a i would say a 53 percent optimist uh maybe a 52 percent optimist and that gets me in trouble at home because i tend to think we're going to muddle our way through because we've muddled our way through before maybe 53 % sure about that 52 % sure about changing I know it's oscillating as I discuss it uh but um I don't know are you uh are you no you're not optimistic I'm I'm 47 but I used to be 52 right I'm watching you go down you used to be 54 yeah for a while I was I was 66 but I was single you know I was a single guy and just hitting the clubs and so you know I remember that I rave every night and that just affects you you know a rave what you come on you were a raver you raved oh I raved you had pacifiers in and you took ecstasy I had a pacifier and ecstasy and I had glow sticks and I was whipping them around yeah yeah sure you've seen photos of me from the late 80s early 90s I was losing it yeah it's fantastic baggy pants mesh top I wore two eye patches.

30:17And I couldn't see where I was going. I was constantly being hit by calves. And I told you, wear them over the same fucking eye, asshole. Asshole. And then I did. And remember, I was very grateful to you. Yeah. What's about the SNL days? Because people love to hear about those times. We're going to time travel now back to the year 1951. When you and I worked on a radio show called Saturday Night Live. So, uh, Franken and Davis, we would do this thing, a show within the show called the Franken and Davis show. And we had my parents on, uh, twice. And once they got cut, your parents got cut between dress and air.

30:55It's rough. Okay. And so the first time they're on, they just came on and I, the character I played was me as an asshole. Right. And so, uh, wait, that was a character. That was, that was a character. It's just like you self deprecate and, paint yourself kind of as an asshole all the time. Yeah, but we all know I'm complete opposite. Exactly. Complete 180 degree opposite. So that was the whole premise here, kind of. So anyway, so I have my parents on. I sing a song to them. Hey, Mom and Dad, this song is for you. I sing a different key better. Anyway, so. And I sing. And then my mom says, this reminds me of when they called from school and said, you'd shit your pants or something like that.

31:37I went, Mom! And I get mad at her. And my dad says, stop yelling at your mother. And she said, crap your pants. This is. Right, right. And then I get mad at him. I'm an asshole. And I kick my dad in the ass. OK. So that one was on. Everyone loved it. Next time I have him on, Tom and I would do very dark stuff. And in this one, I have them. They're in dress. They're wearing Stars of David and overcoats circa 1935. Nazi Germany. And Tom and I are in Gestapo outfits. Right. Look at the smile on your face. Well, this was our, this was something you kind of could do back then, right? You could do very dark, the show, hallmark of the show, sometimes very dark.

32:31Especially after a certain hour, things could get very dark. Yeah, and Tom and I were always on after that hour. Right. And so the whole point was at a certain point, my dad goes, Alan, I can't do this. I decided. We rehearsed it and we've done it all week. Why do you say now? We're on the show. We're live. I just can't. My friend decided I can't go back to Temple, do this sketch with you in the Gestapo. And then I get really mad at him and yell at him. And this kind of ends that way. Yeah. Bernie Brillstein. Famous, what would you call him? Manager. No, he was a manager, but he was even beyond that.

33:12He was a man that looked like Santa Claus and was a show business legend and had a big personality. Yeah. And represented everybody. Including Lorne. And just said to him, he's watching a dress and going, you can't do this. So, and I guess he was right. And so, I think we could have done it. But anyway, so my parents get cut. Lorne comes up to me after the show and said, Al, don't put me in the position of cutting your parents ever again.

33:46Were they upset that they were cut? They must have been. A little bit. But, I mean, they understood. I couldn't go like, Lorne, that's amazing that you cut us on the Gestapo Star of David. My parents as Jews and me. That's just the tip of the iceberg with you. You were constantly pitching ideas that you loved to go right up to the edge. And sometimes over it. Oh, yes. Miles and miles beyond. But were you always like that? Well, I think I just came of age during a period where very dark humor was about the opposite of it. In other words, that you were exploring really dark things in order to laugh at how awful they were.

34:34That's all. Yeah, I went over a line at times. Were you on the show at Comedy Killers? Okay, so this was Downey and I had this idea. Jim Downey, yeah, head writer, yeah. It was a game show like Jeopardy, but it was called Comedy Killers. So the categories were the Holocaust, the Kennedys, cancer. And so this is a joke I tell in my act because everything I'd ever done when I ran for the Senate in comedy was used against me. I told a joke from that sketch that Rosie Schuster wrote. And it was, this would have been a bad gift for Anne Frank. What is a drum set? Oh, God. Jesus. Okay. Okay. Uh-huh.

35:30So that's brought up now, of course, you're running then for Senate. Al Franken told jokes about the Holocaust. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'd written a magazine article in the late 90s saying that parents should probably monitor what their kids get online. But I wrote it satirically. I said, my son, Joe, did a great fourth grade report last week on bestiality. And he downloaded a lot of great visual aids. And the kids in the class just loved them. And it was, Al Franken, no jokes about bestiality.

36:16So we had to, Chuck Schumer was like monitoring my race. I was running for the nomination at the time. And he's going, this is too much baggage.

36:31So my pulse, we had to do focus groups to see if this really was a problem. And if we could, you know, overcome it. She had the focus group in. And the first question she asked, if you knew that Al Franken told jokes about bestiality, would you be more likely to vote for him?

36:51it turned out less likely

36:56but we discovered that you know if you explain things that minnesotans got irony and they got you know what satire was and so it wasn't a real problem and then i went out to show this great report saying it wasn't a problem to harry reed and then he asked me what joke could you tell about the Holocaust? And I said, well, okay, the joke was, I think a bad Hanukkah gift for Anne Frank would have been a drum set. And then Harry started shaking, and I start thinking, okay, this is either very good or very bad. Right. And he just thought it was the funniest joke he'd ever. So I was okay. Right. After that.

37:39Oh, but the best joke in Comedy Killers, the sketch you remember was final comedy killer like final jeopardy uh last it was you know the ding ding ding ding ding the long uh was the biggest comedy killer of all time downy wrote this joke here it was what was the assassination of archduke ferdinand how did this sketch play in front of the audience. Great. Did it? Yeah.

38:14It was, what year was it? I don't know. It was in the 80s? I think World War I was closer at that time. Yeah, people have forgotten. It was like, you know, 34 years closer or something. Right. 35 years closer. So everyone was a big, you know, oh, that was terrible. That war. And of course, started by the assassination. of Archduke Ferdinand. Yeah, by Gabrielle. And the trench warfare. Gabrielle Princip, I think, shot him. Yes. Interesting. Archduke Ferdinand was on his way back. He was leaving Sarajevo. Are you doing a comedy killer? Yeah. Okay. He was leaving Sarajevo. His driver took a wrong turn.

38:58Really? And his car kind of stopped right in front of a cafe. Princip had had his chance to shoot, you know, the Archduke and hadn't done it. But suddenly he's sitting in a cafe consoling himself by having a cup of coffee when this car pulls up in front of that cafe and who's in it but the Archduke and his wife. And he just puts his cup of coffee down and steps out and kills them both. What an insane coinkydink. Anywho, we were doing comedy killers and I wanted to keep going with the Archduke Ferdinand. Well, that shows something. Nothing. What? What? I'm sorry.

39:39Listen. Why did he suddenly have the balls to do it? If he was, if he couldn't do it the first time. I think he wasn't able, I think there was. He didn't have a shot. Yeah, I think he didn't have a shot. he just couldn't do it. Not that he like chickened out. No, I think his blood sugar was low. But then he had a donut and a cup of coffee. And then this guy in a big hat with ostrich feathers and medals pulls up right outside. He ran his horoscope too and it was in favor of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the waiter said, oh, we're also serving gun today. I grabbed a gun and said, I'll take one of those.

40:13And then the whole thing just came together beautifully. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Do you watch Sarnet Live now? Do you check it out? I have to say, I don't see it as frequently. And then I see things online. That's what I do. I don't know how much of their monetization is from online because millions of people will go and watch the YouTube, right? I guess. Yeah. Do you feel like, oh, that's the show? When I see the music, I go like, what is that? Now, to be fair... I go like, that's music? It's like they're talking. I understand the kids like it, but I don't. You never thought rock and roll would make it.

41:04I remember that very clearly. I was wrong. I was wrong. And you know what? I grew to like it. Especially the Grateful Dead. I listened to nothing but dead. Wait, that was turning back into Bernie. Yeah, I couldn't tell if it was Schumer or Bernie. Yeah, it was me. I don't know. It was just me as an old Jew and Schumer and Bernie, I guess. But more Bernie. If you see SNL now, though, as you say that you check it out, can you wrap your head around the fact that it's the same show that was it was your i think you're and tom's first real job in television uh and you you started the summer of 1975 right does it can you understand that this is still the same show or does it feel like well it's it it's not it's it's morphed so many times it's something else well of course it has and i remember when we first started the show it would be like belushi was on and he would smoke a joint and everyone go like oh my god they're having or they're they're doing they're not doing that on sunny and share they're not doing that on yeah the brady bunch and then i remember when um dan quayle was nominated to be vice president and they won and uh they asked him who was your favorite act or musician at at woodstock and he said jimmy hendrix and i went like oh i see there's no counterculture anymore The vice president, the Republican Square vice president liked Jimi Hendrix.

42:35Right. So I went, oh, I see. And so now, you know, things, this is what, now it's like 48 years, right? 47, 48 years. So yeah, it's different. It's different. I just think their approach to political comedy is different. And Downey and I used to write a lot of stuff. We talked last time when I was on about doing the debate stuff. And we tried to do stuff that our motto was to reward people for knowing stuff, but not punish them for not knowing stuff. And so I was proud of the political stuff we write. And yeah, they hit it every once in a while. And we missed it every once in a while as well. Now that you're doing stand-up, and I love the name of your tour.

43:18and I have it right here and I'm going to read it off this piece of paper. Because that's how I work. I like to include people in the process so they can see behind the scenes what's happening. You're touring the country and the name of the tour is The Only Former U.S. Senator Currently on Tour Tour. I love that. I want to say what it was. Are you mostly talking, are you talking about current events a lot in your stand-up or are you talking about your years in the Senate? I mainly, it's sort of biographical. So how I became, you know, like Zelensky, right, is considered now probably the bravest person.

43:59And, of course, comedian, bravest profession. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah. Yeah. Podcaster, maybe third. That sounds right. As profession. Yeah. But of comedians, Jewish comedians, the bravest. How do you come up with that? The Irish, of course. And then Jewish comedians who go into politics, like Zelensky, the bravest. Yeah. That's interesting. So then I talk about how I became basically the second bravest person.

44:31So it's biographical. And then I get to me and the Senate, and I talk about those colleagues. And then I go into some stuff that's happening now. Right. But, you know, Zelensky famously Putin invades and the United States reaches out and says, we can airlift you out of there right away. And he says, I need guns, not a ride. Such a cool line. Perfect. Al, you in that same situation, I see you fleeing with a suitcase.

45:07I actually say. Running, running, running with a suitcase that keeps flapping open. and long underwear falls out, and you've got to stop and shove it back in, and then you keep running. True or false? I've thought about this myself. I mean, it was ballsy. I mean, he said, I don't want ammunition. I don't want a ride. Yeah, I don't want a ride. I want ammunition, and that was pretty. I have to ask you, you're married to a guy from Russia. He's from Armenia, which was part of the Soviet Union. Oh. Yeah, but he speaks Russian. And Tak has children's toys that are from his youth in the Soviet Union.

45:56Little children's toys. Do your kids play with the little Soviet toys? They love those Soviet toys. They're cute. You pull the string and it says, get in line for bread.

46:10I pitched to Tack that we start a podcast about American versus Soviet toys called Perastoica Perastoica, I would listen to that that's great well those would be French toys okay goodbye hey wait this is very rare but the new low light has just gone off He's standing. He's still standing in ballet. Wow, this is the longest innovation anyone's got. Amazing. Wow, look. Just taking in all the love. Paris Toyka. The French toys. Every time you came on my show, the late night show, years and years and years you'd come on. And at the end, when the music was playing, you would do an insane dance up and down the aisles, running and running and burning all these calories.

47:04and the audience loved it. And then I think nine times out of 10, if not 10 times out of 10, it got cut for time. You must have, you worked so hard on that ending and it was fantastic. I think it got in once. I do. I'm not sure it did. No, this was the comedy of energy. That's all it was, right? It's called, what they used to call it in Vaudeville was a sweat act. Martin and Lewis they would say it's a sweat act it's just a lot of jumping around and then of course Jack Benny or you know there are other what was the theme what's the end of the theme you can sing the theme of your show oh here we go you have to imagine a big stairway okay and I would just oh my god You're like an old stripper.

48:05And it lasted for fucking ever. Oh, this song would go and go and go. And I think the band didn't want to cut you off, so they'd keep it going. Your resting heart rate when you were done was something like 265. And then the show would end with me saying, all right, you know, tomorrow Lenny Kravitz. And then bang, out, completely out. and there was all this wasted energy. It was not seen by the American public. Well, it was still worth it. It entertained me and it entertained the 185 people that were in that room. That's right. That's right. And that's all you care about. That seats 3 ,000. If I can make just...

48:46We never could fill those back aisles. As Pat Proft, I don't know if you know, he's a comedian in Minnesota, he's a great writer, he said, if I can make just one person laugh, then I know it's a Tuesday night at the comedy store.

49:05Al Franken, I love talking to you. I cherish you as a friend. Oh, I said, all right, what did I say? Privileged. You're privileged. Privileged, yeah. Do you feel that still? Yeah, I wonder. Now more I cherish. Oh, that's nice. You also have, of everyone I know, I think some of this, very strong legs. I'm just going to end on that. Okay. You have very strong buttocks and legs. I've seen you leg wrestle. I saw you leg wrestle in the Sarnat Live offices and I was impressed. No one could take you. Very strong, muscular legs. That sounds like a challenge to me, Conan. Oh, not for me. No, I have two Twizzlers for legs.

49:46The red Twizzlers. No, I would fall apart immediately. No, I'm just telling you. I'd love to see it. I just wanted to end on a fun fact about Al Franken is you won't find a man with stronger leg and buttock muscles. They used to be stronger. I'm 71 now. We're all going to look at your legs and your butt when you leave the room now. Just like we did when you came in. The cameras here, they do that? They add, well, these cameras, they're good, but as cameras do, they add about 15 pounds of muscle to the ass. yeah so well that's good for me because I lost some of it yeah some of it's after feed Al thank you very much for being here we learned nothing but actually you learned too much we learned something about World War I and I think that's and a little something that I hope you don't include about the debt limit I've got it in my notes you know what we'll do speed up that part and then have me dance yeah yeah there you go thank you al you bet thank you

51:03sona i think you need to apologize what did i do what this time i know that's the thing is i i was saying to gorley he he said to me uh should we do some kind of new segment and i said let's just do a segment called Sona apologizes. And it's just because I know you've done something bad. I don't know what it is. What do you mean you know I've done? Wait, what? I know that you've screwed something up. Come clean, Sona. Tell us, first of all, what it is you did wrong and then please apologize. What are you doing? I don't know. What are you doing? Well, don't you think that's a safe assumption that you've done something?

51:36You've probably done something. You probably made a restaurant reservation and said it was for Conan O 'Brien and then you and Tack went. But I wouldn't apologize for that. Well, that's a different thing. And so clearly you have. And by the way, the cheesecake factory does not require you call ahead. I know. I've waited for over an hour for the cheesecake factory, but I don't know. I don't think I've done any. I mean, the thing is though, because I don't do as much as I used to do. So the chances of me screwing something up have fallen a lot because now whenever you ask me to do something, I really want to like, you know.

52:14You want to please me? No, I want to keep getting paid. Yes, I see. So I want to just keep doing - Is there anything in the past you want to dig deep, maybe find something from the past? Yeah, it's a therapy session. Wait, is it really? Yeah. About something I should apologize to you for? Don't you think in general you just, I'm saying blanket Gourley. Like in general, you should just apologize. Do you want to apologize to me? Well, listen, that could be another segment and I don't think we'll have time for it. You said a family emergency as if my dad's mustache went on strike. You said this like a week ago.

52:48What are you talking about? Yeah, you said that. You said - That doesn't even a joke. That's a fragment. What's the whole joke? You said a family emergency for Sona as if her dad's mustache went on strike. That's funny. Okay, you said it. I just wanted you to say it right. And then how many times have you pet my head and you've smelled your hand and you've gone, mm, garlic. Yeah. And you've also said, I need an industrial press to straighten my hair. Your hair is out of control. Yeah, but I think - Do you know what we had to get, you know, when we started doing the podcast, we didn't think about this.

53:18We just used regular headsets, you know, by Shure. They're the best headsets in the business, if you ask me. I'm glad they have their name on the side. But we forgot about Sona's hair. Your hair is so powerful that we had to get, we had to go to the US Army Corps of Engineers and have them engineer out of steel. They just used an old bear trap. They used a bear trap. Yeah. It's basically, yes, exactly. You told me, you said that my dad's built my brother out of wood and that he wanted him to be a real boy. God, you have, she has so many memories of my good bits. Yes, did I say that your father, who looks a little like Geppetto, had built your older brother possibly out of wood because he dreamed of having a real boy?

54:01Yes, I did make that offhanded quip once. Once? You've probably said it to a member of the press. or like an Obama or someone important that like I want to think I'm like cool and interesting. I did at great length explain to President Barack Obama that my assistant Sona's brother was carved out of wood by his father. Well, so Sona, do you want to apologize for any of this? What the hell? I don't think, first of all, I think these are all class A bits, good material, solid landing. I mean, the fact that I'm able to be this creative around you, I think should be a source of wonder. How many stores have we walked into where you're like, watch out for her.

54:48She steals and she's got sticky fingers. No, I said you steal babies at the marketplace. Yes, that's right. OK. Oh, but you've also said I just steal to like stores we just walk into. Well, no. One specifically was an eyeglass store we went into. And I said, watch out for her. She's got sticky fingers. And you know what? And you know what? They followed you around after that. That's what I was gonna say. They didn't know you were joking. So they actually - I wasn't joking. Come on. That's not a joke. No, but I don't - You take stuff sometimes. I don't do it anymore. And I wouldn't do it with you.

55:19Anymore. I wouldn't do it with you. No, you need to apologize to me, I think. I think first of all, that's a dangerous precedent for me to admit to any crime and to apologize. I think that's a road we shouldn't go down. but I'm going to take your admission that you steal and steal often as an apology. And no, that doesn't. Oh, okay. No. He just went, no. Is that a special no that you reserve for special times? Me admitting something doesn't mean I'm apologizing for it. I'm just admitting that it happened. I think that you, if you're not going to apologize to me, I'm not going to apologize to you.

56:01Why should I do it? If you're not going to do it. Well, Have you paid me recently? All right. I'm sorry. This is just how it works. I'm the guy who's writing the checks. Somebody needs to apologize to someone, so I'll do it. No. Thank you, Gorg. How many times have you tried to smack my hair bun? Oh, it's so fun. Have you seen me do that? No. She gets her hair in a bun. Oh, yes, I have. And I take a whack at it, and if I do it just right, the little elastic goes, and the hair goes, and it fills the whole room you're in. It's crazy. It's so much fun. no I think that you I so now I'm going to end this right now you have nothing to apologize for you're a wonderful person you're a good friend we've been through a lot together my lawyer made me remember this and I think because you're telling me not to apologize now I'm going to say I'm sorry really wow mission accomplished mission accomplished and Gourley I think you owe us both an apology you got it ready you come in here with your Mr.

56:53Rogers sweater okay no I'm sorry but you know what I mean yeah these are the people that you meet in the neighborhood in the neighborhood That's Sesame Street Yeah, that's not the song What? These are the people in your neighborhood You're singing In your neighborhood Oh, that's not No, you're talking about It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood Oh A beautiful day for a neighbor Wait, which one is Cookie Monster on? Sesame Street Oh Apologize I'm realizing now I really don't like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood Oh my God I like Sesame Street Wait, are you for real?

57:25You know the neighborhood of make-believe is in Mr. Rogers I'm sorry, I'm re-watching all this stuff now. Yeah, I'm watching Sesame Street every day. Yeah. Wait, what are we talking about now? I got lost. Well, we just watch a lot of children's programming. Right, because you have kids. I just sit there and watch it as just a fan. Oh, I see. I see. I'm like, Mr. Rogers is on. I got to, you know, get my cereal out and watch. Those were good times. Look, I got off the rails there a little bit. We'll clean it up. Where did we end? No, I wanted to talk about this. We got Sona to apologize. We got Sona to apologize.

57:57And Gourley has apologized. and I never did actually I said I would do you want to you to see you're not going to apologize for anything what have I done except take care of you and your extended family I am the sun and you are a plant that grows uh because of my rays my beneficent golden rays I'd like you to apologize for your weird metaphors my metaphors sometimes the sun will sunburn you yeah and I I think that the sun owes that person an apology. I am the sun, and I apologize for that sunburn. That's funny. The sun is just... I provide all life on Earth. I know, but what about that sunburn that guy got in Bermuda?

58:44He's very pale, and he didn't... Sun. Oh, all right. What about Icarus? That was his fault. That was Icarus' fault. Son, I apologize to Charles Millman of Canoga Falls, Ohio, for burning his shoulders. It made his stay unpleasant and he had to buy aloe gel. Thanks, son. Now maybe you'd like to thank me for all the crops. We're good, son. Bye. Fuck. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes.

59:39Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded

1:00:25This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.