Amish Brotherhood

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Danielle. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Music Fan. Hello, Danielle. How are you? Hi, I am so excited to be here. Thank you for having me. Well, we're excited to talk to you, Danielle. Where are you calling us from? I'm calling you from land of the Amish, Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Ah, Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Wow. I mean, is that a fake background behind you? Because it looks almost too good. Or is it one of those fake screens that you put up? Yeah, it's just AI. No, I'm just kidding.

0:43No, this is for you. I just cut some flowers because I thought you might enjoy them. I swear to God, it looks so amazing. It does. It's incredible. I have complimented people on their homes and backgrounds, and every time they laugh at me and say, no, it's just a Zoom slide that you can put up. A fake background, but that's real. It looks perfect. Yeah, it's real. I wish I could ship it to you because I'm such a big fan. You know, I've been watching you every single night for 20 years. No, you haven't. Really? Yes, sir, religiously. I was on for 28 years, so what was wrong with the first eight?

1:15Oh, Jesus. Well, I couldn't steal a television fast enough because when I was younger, I had to steal a television to watch you. Did you really steal a television? Yes, I did. What do you mean? You wanted so badly to watch my show, you stole a television? I love you. I love you, Danielle. Yeah, I hope you won't mind. I feel a little bit nervous. But yes, I loved you so much, and I was desperate to watch you. my parents were really, really strict. And so we didn't have cable. We had one television, no televisions in our bedrooms, but my grandfather had given us this travel television and my dad like stuck it in the basement.

1:53So one day I decided to steal it and I put it in my bedroom. And then at night I would record the show. I would put headphones on so they couldn't hear it. And I will put a sheet over myself and over the television so they couldn't see the light of the I love this. For Conan? Yes, for Conan. Yes, for Conan. So I'm gonna ask you something, Danielle. Did your parents, they were opposed, be honest, to you watching any television or specifically me? I think it was any kind of popular television, so I would just go to the library. So why do they have a problem with me? I love when you do our work for us.

2:30I know. Champagne corks, kapang, kapang. Kapang? Yeah, kapang. It's not pop. It's not good champagne. It's really flat champagne. Kampang! You're also living in an oil drum. Yeah. So Danielle, that means a lot to me. Seriously, that's important to me. I like when people idolize me. No, I like when people enjoyed the work. I really do. It means something to me. I will bring out the bronze statue of you next time you have me back. Well, thank you so much. and tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do? Well, I grew up as an actor in the theater and then you know how life goes. You get married, you get pregnant.

3:13I moved on to do some film and television, some for NBC. I was on the worst television show that NBC ever produced. Which was? Like a real, Do No Harm. Do No Harm? I know that one. No, what's that? You might not have heard of it since it was the worst one. NBC had a show called Do No Harm. What was it? Yeah, it got canceled after two episodes. And that was like the fastest cancellation ever. So it did some harm. Yeah. It did some harm. Was it about the medical profession? Yeah, it was like a Jekyll and Hyde story. Oh my God. So anyway, I did that for a while, but you know how it goes, not enough money.

3:53So we ended up moving and the property that we moved to was owned by an Amish man who was farming here. So I thought, well, this TV thing's not working. let me try selling cut flowers." And that just kind of took off. Wait, are those your cut flowers behind you? Yes. They are, they are, they are, they are distractingly beautiful. They're amazing. They're really good. And the vases. Yeah. They're called vases. They're called vases. Yeah. The worst people. So those are really nice. So you are a professional flower. You grow them and then you cut them and arrange them. Is that correct? Yes. I grow them.

4:32I cut them, arrange them, sell them. And now I work for different companies to do their photography, videography, and just write about the plants in general, how-to articles, disease and pest management, stuff like that. So you live in, you said, you started off by saying you're in the heart of Amish country, Lancaster, Pennsylvania. So you are not Amish yourself, but you work with Amish, the Amish, is that correct? I do work with some Amish. Sell to them, you must see them around. They're probably everywhere, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, our old landlord was Amish. The man who owned this property was a shunned Amish man.

5:07Shunned? And yeah, he had been shunned. Why? What did he do that got him shunned, do you know? Well, after that he went to jail. So I don't know if it was like a similar offense or not. Well, wait a minute, hold on. So he did something that first got him shunned by the community, the Amish community. And then the police said, this is more than just shunnable. Shunworthy. Shunworthy. he needs to he needs to go to prison is that what happened? yeah apparently he went to prison he was like I think a 70 years old and he was stalking like a 19 year old oh that's not good but he didn't really believe in the restraining order or anything so he just kept going back over and over again I don't believe in your western ways with your restraining order do you think there's an Amish gang in prison?

5:57like the Amish brotherhood? Yeah. That's actually a fantastic idea for a TV show, better even than Do No Harm. Sona, I'm setting us up a pitch meeting at NBC. Because God knows I'm welcome there. Those do not harm. The Amish Brotherhood. The Amish Brotherhood. Hey, brother, do you want to join the Amish Brotherhood? I don't know. The Latino gang has asked me. This, of course. We've learned how to jerry-rig and do a jailhouse barn building. Yeah, we make the best toilet wine. Can you imagine having to tell the neo-Nazis and the really tough Latin gangs and stuff, no, no, no, guys, I've made my decision, it's the Amish gang.

6:47Yeah. I'm going with Ezekiel, Lazarus, and Zebediah.

6:54It's crazy enough to work.

6:58So That would be the gang to be in Because they could build a catapult That would get you out of the jail They're good at building stuff Their shanks would be great Yeah their shanks would be very good They'd be made of beautiful wood Danielle I feel like we left you out of the conversation And that's just rude And you're here And maybe because The three of us are just acting like idiots about the Amish And we shouldn't We should know about the real Amish people You're there Tell us about them what's it like what are some of the misconceptions well I think there's a lot of misconceptions about the Amish you know my Amish landlord he used a cell phone and of course when they go on did he did he carve it did he did he make it I didn't know they could use cell phones that just seems wrong yeah so what is the I thought they were supposed to like kind of eschew modern technology.

7:53Or avoid it. I was looking for a better word because I didn't want to sound like a fucking brick. And it's all that could come to my head. No, no, but... You're so right. But Danielle, it is common. The common conception is that the Amish... I knew how it sounded when I said it. Oh, I hate myself. No, don't. You can't hate yourself more than we hate you. I know. I try and I try.

8:31so danielle they can use cell phones the amish i mean i see them using cell phones all the time i do business with them and we talk on the phone some of them use the internet now because i'll say okay what values do you want this year and they'll go on the website that the business that i've worked for and they'll tell me but a lot of amish kids on rumspringer they love mountain dew They love to smoke cigarettes. They love Mountain Dew. You know what's fascinating? You know, of all my friends, you know, who's obsessed with Mountain Dew and drinks it all the time? Jack McBrayer. Oh, that's right.

9:02Jack McBrayer loves Mountain Dew, and he's obsessed with Mountain Dew. And I think he likes diet Mountain Dew, which is hard to get. I know a guy. Yeah, and he knows a guy that knows a guy. But it's so funny because of everyone I know, I mean, the cliche about Jack McBrayer would be that, you know, he's the country Rube, okay? He's more or less played that part over and over and over again in his real life and in TV and film. But the idea that he loves Mountain Dew and that it's the drink of the Amish as well is fascinating to me. Yeah, so Amish on Rumspringer, they'll be drinking Mountain Dew, smoking cigarettes, and they do like rap music.

9:41So we live on a main road where I sell cut flowers and they'll just drive by really, really slowly in their buggy with the rap music speaking on. So you can hear like an entire rap music play as they drive by your house. Amish teenagers go by whacked out on Mountain Dew and they're listening to, they're blasting rap from their buggies, their horse-drawn buggies. You know, like old school, like Eminem, like Slim Shady. Do they put hydraulics in their buggies so that they can do the kind of lowering? I wish they did. I'm curious too, is the horse kind of keeping the beat? You know what I mean? There's a horse there.

10:20Does the horse, does the horse, is the horse got a little swagger or, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like is the horse on Rump Springer as well? Yeah, what I'm saying is the percussion section. I'm just curious, the horse is a living sentient creature and it's listening to this rap and after a while maybe the horse is like, I get it, you know, I like it. Well, they do horse dance. What's that? You mean dressage? Yeah. Do not eschew destrage. Yeah. Do not eschew dressage. Yeah, maybe somebody's doing rap music for dressage. Wow, this is amazing. This is opening up a whole new world of, I'm getting this whole new view of the Amish.

10:55They're on the internet, they're answering their cell phones. They're listening to loud rap in their buggies as they go by. The horses are swaggering to the beat. I like it. I like this whole thing. It's just fascinating. I don't know anything about that world and maybe it's time I did know. What about the beards? Do they all have beards? You have a beard when you get married. So instead of wearing a wedding ring, you grow your beard. Really? To show that you're married. That's interesting. But what's the deal? Do they often have like neck beards but no mustache? Is that just a trend? Yeah, and none of them have the mustache.

11:29So I'm not sure why that is. I think it gets burned off by whatever's in the Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew is very acidic. And so if you're a big Mountain Dew drinker, you'll burn off your mustache. It's an old, old thing that's not true. I did that for the lawyers. This is fascinating. I'm learning a lot. Yeah. Do you have a question for Conan, Danielle? Yes. I was wondering, Conan, would you ever consider becoming Amish? And what would your name be, your profession? And do you think you could answer in a Pennsylvania Dutch accent? Oh, my God. Jesus. Yes. This is like a serious Senate hearing. slash homework assignment.

12:12The podcast will now recognize the gentleman from Boston. Yeah, yeah, I want to hear what it's like. Go ahead. Yeah, don't you know a while? I'll just set this here, a while. They always end everything with a while. A while. So it's a little bit of a Canadian thing, a little bit, kind of? It sounds very Canadian to me. And then for a while? Yes, Pennsylvania Dutch. Okay. And German. Okay. Yeah, it's like German meets Canadian. Okay. You better listen to me. I'm going to see hockey. What the fuck is that? I am in control now. I will take the Autobahn to Toronto. And then I'll eat the pancake with the Wienerschnitzel.

12:53I'm trying to combine these two cultures, and it's very difficult. Okay. They seem very opposite, but I'm doing the best I can. Nazi job of the hunt. Yeah. Things must be put in their place, eh? Anywho? Let's go and watch on my wooden TV. Do no harm. All one episodes. Okay, I don't know, Daniel. I did the best I could. Would I consider being Amish? No. They lose me at the buggy. I can't go around in a buggy. I just can't. It seems like you kind of somehow have fun with a buggy. You're up on that front thing. Oh, I do all that fake old-fashioned talk that I love. But no, at a certain point, I don't want to be looking at a horse's ass all the time.

13:38You could build stuff. That's what I do every day. You feed off of your land. I eschew your sense of humor. You live off the land. Oh, no, listen. There's a purity to it. Are there Amish strip clubs, do you know? Well, you never know what goes on underground, so never say never. The Amish strip club starts with them naked and then they slowly get dressed. Or they take off other layers until they get down to giant ashpagosh overalls. And boots and they never take those off, but they still twirl around the pole. Whee! I don't know. I don't think I'm built to be in any culture that's maybe too restrictive.

14:19As everyone knows, I'm a very wild and sensual man. I think you'd fit right in. I would fit right in. What are you talking about? I'm a Catholic. No, I don't think so. I just don't think that's my lifestyle. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. I can't do it. I can't do it. I don't think I can be Amish. Would you ever be a flower farmer? What are you proposing exactly? She's proposing. Are you? I'm literally proposing. Yes. I've got to talk to my wife, but I think she is done with me. So I think if I said I'm going to go be with Danielle in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, she would say, I see you, sucker.

15:00She would be quite delighted. I don't know. don't you have to have great patience and sort of balance and an eye for real beauty to grow flowers and cut them? I think you do have to have a lot of patience because it's more about a lot of things go wrong and trying to fix it than that moment of beauty when you cut the flower. Yeah, Danielle, I'd be - There's so much behind it. I would be in the hothouse all the time or the greenhouse or whatever, just yelling at the flowers. Oh. You know, if they weren't growing fast enough. Or else being very - Oh dear. I'd be very passive aggressive. Oh. Hey, begonia.

15:33Oh, boy. Nice job growing, begonia. You know if it was going kind of slowly? Yeah. What are other flower names? Tulips, right? Well, tulips. These are all different kinds of narcissists. Oh, I could do well with those. There you go. Oh, my God. I am narcissists. Wow. Hey, Daniel, my parents owned a Conroy's Flowers growing up, and I worked there for many years. No way. That's awesome. Is that a well-known chain? Yeah. Yeah, that's like the big flower chain, or it was. I just don't, I'm not a flower guy, so I've never - You're not a flower guy? Well, yeah, shoo them.

16:08So, what did you, were you good at this? I wasn't like a flower farmer. I was kind of like, I would deliver flowers, process them, and occasionally arrange them, but not very much, and then work in the store. Wow. It was just like a - You tell a good story. I'll cut that out. No, no, leave that in it! Leave that, Eduardo, don't let him cut that out. He doesn't have, I'm the final say on that. Oh, you, Eduardo, please. Come on, that was great. That was nice. And also we got an insight into who you are. But it's not a good insight. No, I know. No, but you helped, you helped around. You're a good guy.

16:41You're sinking this ship. Go on without me. You're a good guy. I don't know. I'm just trying to keep him talking. Is that a barrier? There's a chance we could help him. Can I move to the Amish peoples? Danielle, remember that? Do you remember the movie Witness? Oh, yeah. Where Harrison Ford has to go hide out among the Amish. That was filmed here. Yeah. And who was the actress in that? Kelly McGillis. Kelly McGillis, that's right, very good. Ronnie Cox, Danny Glover, Lucas Haas. Jesus, look at you. Wow. I love that movie. Can we just go to the Amish and hang out with them? Well, sure, they'd be happy to see you, I'm sure.

17:19Summer s'mores. Why are you saying it like that? Yeah, why don't we do a summer s'mores from Amish country? That'd be good, let's do that. Oh my goodness, you definitely should. I do love that area of Pennsylvania. I think it's absolutely gorgeous. Pennsylvania in general is a beautiful state. And I would like to go there. And I do like to meet all kinds of folk, different cultures. I like to try and blend in. So I should probably do an Amish segment at some point. That would be fun. Because I'd look good in the beard, right? They won't know who you are. Oh, please. You think they would? Yes. I don't know.

17:52Of course they would. I mean, Danielle's not Amish, but she had to steal a TV to find out who we were. If they're using everything we've heard so far, if they're blasting Slim Shady, they have a love. They have a love for the 90s. And so I'm quite sure that they've built statues to me. Oh, statues. Yeah, to the Friends cast. You know, everybody. Like anything 90s, they've idolized, you know? Sure. That's it. They're about 30 years behind. Yeah. So I'm just coming into my own there. Well, Danielle, it's been really nice talking to you. And I'm so nice to meet you after you were so devoted to me for such a long time.

18:35So I do appreciate that. Seriously, she watched the show. That's how I feel. That's a legitimate feeling. I wasn't laughing at you. I'm just, go on. Go on, say it. No, I don't. I'm messing it up so much. What are you doing? Are you having a mental breakdown? I think so. I think so. I think channeling. I apologize. No, don't apologize. You're a wonderful person. And as I said before, a real good guy. All right, Danielle, nice to talk to you and best of luck to you. And who knows? I look forward to meeting in person. You never know. Oh, wow. That would be a dream. Thanks, everyone. Bye-bye. Bye.

19:11Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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20:14This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf. The month and the day of my bedtime My bedtime I spent my own bedtime Thank you.