Andy Richter Returns

0:03Hi, my name is Andy Richter.

0:08and I feel resentful that it took me to be on Dancing with the Stars for Conan O 'Brien to remember that I'm his friend oh and I'm not offended at all that there's a hitch in your voice after Conan because you were searching for my last name right after we've known each other since the summer of 1993 after Conan O 'Connell it's just because it's it's it's just an Irish thing. I understand. They all look alike. You, uh...

0:55This is a very special episode. Yes. where we talk about kleptomania. No, this is a very special episode because you're on Dancing with the Stars. I am fascinated with what goes on at these reality shows. And this is one of the big ones. And I know I've brought in, I wouldn't even allow, I fired Matt Gorley and I brought in, I brought in David Hoppin because David loves all reality shows. Well, something good has already come from this. He's not. Fuck you, Gorley. Yeah. Yeah, who's gonna force James Bond into the conversation?

1:35Me talking to an A-list star, I understand you just had a battle with cancer. Yeah, the third James Bond, Terrence Billick. Yeah, Tropic of Cancer was an alternate title for Moonbreaker. It was originally Jawbreaker about a candy, but they changed it. Listen, you're gonna listen to me. I am we have been good friends and confederates I like to use the word confederates yes because we've been involved in many many heists it's my secret confederate Andy Richter we've known each other a long time you're doing this you're doing this show and we can talk about other things as well but I brought you in here because I thought I said get me Andy Richter and they said he doesn't want to come on oh and then yeah that's not true we met your friend I'm here twice a week I know you're here all the time yeah yeah it's ridiculous But anyway, I want to know, first of all, I was watching you do your routine the other night and I was thinking I couldn't remember all of that.

2:34I just couldn't remember. I would go. My mind would go blank whenever I've had to do any choreography. I've told them you need to keep it to three moves. Yeah. Like I'm an old pony. On Andy Richter controls the universe. Yeah. They had and it was very and I objected to it because I just thought it was kind of hacky and overdone. they had a fantasy musical sequence that they wanted to break into and i was like really okay um and they said yeah we're gonna have it and it'll be choreographed dancing and i said and i just because i was exploiting being number one on the call sheet i was like i will come in at the end and do jazz hands but i will not do anything else because anytime i had had to learn choreography right uh Hulk smash I'd get so mad you know like oh I've seen Hulk smash yeah yeah and and I just I'd get so furious because I couldn't get it from here to there yeah and and also Jen my wife reminded me that on on our uh wedding she said like well you know what about our dance together and I was like shortest song possible and that was my only there was no like let's go to Arthur Murray and learn something.

3:49I was like, no, I don't want all those eyes on us for that long. So don't you feel, I know you're not. You went on Dancing with the Stars. I know. That's what I'm thinking right now is that there is a God, and he watched all that and said, he shall go on Dancing with the Stars. Here's your hubris. It's an email from your agent. Oh, no. Yeah, no, in April, I got an email about doing it, about being they you know here's your invitation to be on dancing with the stars and i was i was home at the time it was in the morning and my honest to god my first reaction was turn it down and don't tell anyone like don't let anyone know that i've been asked like because they'd be like why wouldn't you do it and it's like because you know crabby baby does not want to be pushed out of his comfort zone basically is the long and short of it but of course like within two seconds I was like, I have to do this.

4:46Yeah. I have to do this. It looks like fun. I'm, it is pretty fun. Yeah. And I'm also, it's like, I'm 58 years old. I got problem knees. I, you know, all kinds of stuff going on as a side note too. Just who should be dancing on television. Yes, exactly. I got, but, but, and also too, what's even better is that like in, this was April. I said yes. And then like in July, they figured out what all the leg pain and stuff had been going on is because I need a hip replacement. Oh, wow. So I need a new left hip. And I was like, hey, you know, the minute I was like, I'm supposed to be doing Dancing with the Stars, which was a violation of the NDA.

5:25And I could have been fired to tell my doctors. But they're like, yeah, you should be all right. And they, you know, I got like some kind of injection that was supposed to sort of help. And it did help. But like, I'm going to this is like a big bond voyage to my old arthritic hip. You know what? Because this is what comes to mind, because I'm always trying to game the system. And I very much want you to do well on this show. You've got judges that are looking at you. Yes. And I think you should begin every number with us. there's a silhouette of someone walking out and it's your orthopedic surgeon.

6:00Yeah. And he has actual, he has actual imaging of your decrepit hip. On the big screen. On the big screen. It's my MRI. It's your MRI. And he says, as you can see here, there's the flaring of the joint where the bone slips into the socket and we've lost too much calcium there. It's cracked. Right, right, right. And so this man, and that should be like a golf handicap. They should add 15 points. Yeah, absolutely. Like instead of the tape package about me and Emma practicing, it should just be like his his hip bone has always or his femur has always had an impingement, which means that it's not spherical.

6:41It's egg shaped. So his entire life is it's been like building up and like, you know, like bone on bone rubbing against. But also he should be your surgeon should be doing commentary as you're dancing. Well, that's a major load-bearing move. The pain he's reaching now would be at least an eight. If 10 is visibly uncomfortable, he's at an eight. Now he's at a nine. Now he's at a two. He's just twirling around the dance floor. Yeah, he's twirling. And I mean, do you think about it? That would, I think that would, you'd be a hero. I just am like powering through it and just, and it does, I do take solace in the fact that like the people who are much younger than me, which is everybody, Uh, but the ones that are even much younger than me in their twenties are like, my legs hurt, my knees hurt.

7:30I go home and, you know, and just ache. And I certainly do at night. It's like, I lay in bed and it just hurts, you know? So it's just lots of Advil and ice and, and, um, and that's it, you know, but then I thought, no, I need to do this. I need, I need to do this like just to get moving. and and I it got me to go to the gym and do cardio which I loathe uh started to do a lot more stretching just to kind of prepare myself and and then like the week before I met my my partner I was like having stress dreams I was just dreading it and just felt like crap for the whole week before just like like kind of crabby to my family and stuff and then I went But I signed up for it.

8:18I was going to do it. Was terrified that I was going to get injured, that I just wouldn't be able to do it. Like you said. Yeah. Like, I'm not going to be able to remember all that. I'm not going to. Yeah. And then would have to, like, pull out and be embarrassed. And, you know, as one is when one pulls out. And I didn't think you'd go there. I did, though. I thought, no, Andy. I would do it. I thought of it. You know what? I thought of it and I let it go. Oh. That's how low this is. That is bad. Bought of it and pulled out. Sounds like my wedding night. You did it, though. Pulled out and I was embarrassed.

8:54You still did it, though. I did it afterwards. I know. So now I win. Exactly. I'm guilty and you're innocent. That's right. Enjoy your jail while I get on my victory yacht. This is all happening in my head. Yeah, yeah. But then I luckily was paired with just a sweet angel of a ballroom dancer. her name is Emma Slater. Emma Slater. Yeah. She's lovely. She's fantastic. And, and I'm, and there were so many people around there, like from promo people to security guards to different people, like stagehands are like, Oh, you got the best one. Oh, nice. Yeah. Because she is just so much fun and you are, you rehearse four hours a day, seven days a week.

9:39Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to bring up something that I think is your secret weapon. Yeah. Which is you've been making, uh, these videos and emma slater is in a bunch of them she no she's the the cecil b demille of our tiktok presence oh yeah we've been doing a bunch of videos and i started watching i started looking at your videos i don't know how to access these things right no i know someone showed them to you david brought me this your dog my dog brought me what's i think called an e-phone um and uh but i was looking at it i was like andy's really funny and he's making these funny videos which you, you know, did at our late night show thousands of times.

10:18And I'm looking at you just be super funny. And I was like, oh, this is great. I mean, if there wasn't if you didn't even get to do the rest, if they somehow said, no, no, we're canceling the dancing part, you're just going to make these videos. I think this is a home run. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Well, I, you know, I went into the thing, as I said, dreading it, but still resolved to be open, resolved to saying yes, resolved to being compliant. and which is really in these days.

10:49But I started. I will not have political commentary on this show. Back to how much Advil you're having and what kind of inflammation you're suffering from. This is a medical show, not a political show. But so, you know, I started doing the rehearsals with Emma and it was like Hulk Smash was there. Like she was trying to just show me like the basic steps and I'd watch her do it and then try to do it myself. And it really was like I couldn't do it. But then slowly as you with repetition and commitment and dedication to not just throwing, you know, throwing a fit and running out. It's like the wiring starts to be built up whether or whether it's like wiring that was there that was like somehow crusted over.

11:39like it's now you know we're going from the first dance into the second dance and from a cha-cha to a tango and it's easier much easier to learn the second one and i'm assuming it's going to be easier to learn the third one god willing and america willing if you people vote me off you're making a big mistake yeah you know i always find i always find that if you want people to vote for you it's really good to threaten them yeah yeah oh absolutely yeah yeah yeah i know you should do it on the show yeah oh you better you better i know who you are the doctor can also do that part the doctor can do that part my partner on tuesday because uh bruno the that one of the judges gave me a four and they mentioned it four out of four out of ten right well it was i tied with cory feldman for the lowest score but i'm like i'm 30 years older than fucking everybody what do you want from me?

12:35But when we were up in the skybox with Julianne afterwards and they gave the scores and he gave a four and everybody in the place went boo. And I went, yeah, get him. And she said, no one has ever done that. Get him. Never done that before. Like told the crowd, yeah, get the judge. Yeah. You know, so I was like, oh, okay. You always know what to say in those situations. It's funny, you brought that up and you always know what to say in the right situation. And I remember one time we were in this studio and we're in 30 Rock and we're in our studio and there's no windows or anything. And it suddenly the power went out and the lights just went, the lights went out and it went like pretty black.

13:17Just was like, the lights went out, went black. And Andy, without missing a second, went, my pearls. In like old 1930s movie. My pearls have been stolen yet, but you just said, my pearls. that's what comes to mind now when you say get him uh that's those are the things that are just going to come out of you there's nothing that can be done no i it's like i don't even it's not like i sit around going like now when the lights go out remember no my pearls right it just comes out.

13:55I did slowly learn it and I did slowly kind of get a handle on it and you would be able to do it. But, you know, but it is like I wouldn't be doing this for fun. I'm doing this because I got hired to do it. And I've said this to over there. A lot of these people, you know, they're reality stars or they're you know athletes and things and it's like for me this is a tv job i i take all different kinds of tv jobs i've been on all different kinds of tv and i'm doing basically the same thing in all of them but i mean not so much when i'm when i'm acting but certainly with these kind of live and live ish shows i know like okay i understand how all this works i understand how it's put together right and i'm here to serve a purpose of adding fun and value to this production Right.

14:42Like we'd be doing, you know, these rehearsals and in some of them should be like, you know, you got to sell it more. And I was like, you turn it on, make the faces and stuff. But it's like, I'm not going to waste the faces when we're doing it for the 17th time on Thursday. Right. We went into the camera rehearsal on Monday and I saw a tape of it. And what I thought was given them the camera version of selling it, I realized was nothing. It didn't look like anything. So I was like, oh, OK, tomorrow. Bigger. Got to really go big, big, big without my daughter. My older daughter did say, dad, don't smile too much.

15:21She's like, don't you know, like and I know what she means. Well, she's probably saying because then you're not you. she's kind of saying that but you also have seen people you know like on they give that they give the 10 000 megawatt like lawrence welk dancers like they always were grinning like they i don't know you know like they were in the afterglow i think he would shock them if they didn't get a big generator out back so um how scary is it when you're just about to you know when you're standing there and you're in silhouette and you're facing away from the camera and you know this music's kicking in is it fight or flight kind of stuff?

15:57No, it wasn't. Can you redo it if something goes horribly wrong? No, it's live. It is really, truly live. It's live. That's scary. And in fact, they give you a little talk beforehand that like, if, and I mean, the direction was like, you know, if you're hurt, keep going. Unless like you're really hurt and then you'll put your hand up and then I'll cut away from you. But until you, if you hurt yourself or fall, like, he's like, I want to keep the camera on you and I'm going to keep the camera on you. He said, but if you like really hurt, raise your hand and then I'll know to cut away to somebody else.

16:36Someone being sawn in half. Somebody eating a human hand. Yeah.

16:44But one day, about a week before all four couples that were there at that point, we all did our dance for each other. They call it a show and tell. And it was Baron Davis, Jen Affleck, Danielle Fischel and me. So it's NBA all star, a reality star, one of the Mormon housewives. Danielle was on Boy Meets World and is like was like everybody's teenage crush and me. and so it's like people from different accomplished backgrounds all being scared kids in front of each other doing this thing for the first time for somebody other than just their partner and it felt like everyone you know we all cheer for each other when they were all done cheering I was like I said I feel like I've joined a cult yeah because like my heart was singing and I was just like I did it yeah and somebody said now you're gonna have to do that in front of the studio audience and on TV in front of people.

17:42And I kind of felt like, well, this is the bubble being burst like this. I did it here. And so like, OK, now I'm and I did it right. And I did it. You know, that's the thing. Did I do it right? Did I screw it up? Did I forget anything? And no, I didn't. So I was sort of already ready. And then you get to the ballroom and you have all day Monday where you run it a bunch of times. And then Tuesday, you're in that thing from like 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. because afterwards, there's all kinds of press and stuff to do. So by the time, like, it's my turn to, to dance a, I was like 12 out of 14. I was, I was just like, let's get this over with.

18:21And I'd been in the room all day. So I was comfortable in the room and comfortable in front of the people. So it was kind of just like, it wasn't hard. And I, and I knew that I knew what, what I was doing. There's, there is like a moment of hope. I remember everything, but other than that it's just and i and i and i do love emma so much and we do have so much fun together and she's been so nice and so supportive that i'm also not alone in it like she and i have been cooking up these things for people and then making silly tiktoks on the side so it is it's all pretty fun you know is there a way to harm anyone else that you're competing against oh no because This is where my head would go.

19:03And I don't mean physically harm them, although if there's an idea for that, we'll take it. What I mean is, is there any way to get in their head or somehow sabotage them or that's not cool? The only thing I've been doing is lead in lunches. Yeah. Just a little bit of lead in different lunches. But you know what? It does. It's been proven, and your doctor will tell you this. It slows down the neural responses. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I would give them the poops. What's that? I would do something with their lunch and give them the poops. Give them the diaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they're all wearing really tight costumes.

19:34Oh, so you want that to happen on live TV? I do. Yeah, I know. I don't know. Oh, but lead is good. Let's do long-term things. Lead is kind of funnier because they just can't. Their brain isn't working right. Right, right, right. And this is long-term damage. Yeah, it's long-term. Oh, absolutely. The poops, they're over it tomorrow. You guys are talking about permanently impairing these people. If you shit on TV in front of millions of people, would you be over it the next day? No. That would scar you for life. You'd get a sympathy vote. No. People would be just so horrified by the whole thing.

20:11Nobody relates to pooping. Would they have to raise their hand to cut the camera? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the camera! No! And the director yells out, what's wrong? The poops! It's a coming. It's a coming. They would zoom in. And then just cut your studio audience. It's a crane shot from outside the studio at ABC, and people are just streaming out, running for their lives. Yeah. Well, thanks, Sona, for bringing it around. I'm helping. No. We did say one of the stars, and y 'all can look up who it ever is, just gave birth like four weeks ago, and we have been making jokes about, you know, like the strength of pelvic floor.

20:54Oh, boy. And is there urine being sprayed around during tosses and things? This is the stuff I wanted to get to. Well, I also will tell you, too. I mean, this is the good stuff. Dancers are, like, very physically oriented and, like, there's not a lot of body shame. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, so there's something almost kind of like animal. You know, it's like where it's just a bunch of, like, beautiful, incredible animals that are doing animal-y. things jumping and leaping and you know right there's just like very little sort of personal boundaries well they're athletes yeah they're just great absolutely athletes yeah definitely and also you're you know you're holding on to somebody uh through this whole thing you know it's it's there there's a lot of physical contact but um but yeah especially because like eastern europeans it's just another sport it's just another you know you can be a gymnast or you You could be a soccer player or you can be a ballroom dancer.

21:55And it is incredibly, you know, athletic and and and sporty. It is. It's you know, it's a it's all competition. So, OK, this is coming out six days from now. So what's your next hurdle? What's it going to be? What's your what's coming up that you have to overcome in order to stay on what I call DWTS? Wow, that was good. I think it took longer. I think it took longer. I'm gonna be honest with you. I had a lead burger this morning. So I'm doing pretty well. Yeah, we'll have a pizza. Lead pizza, please. Instead of the pepperoni, giant lead coins. Just lead? Wait, what was the question? I don't know.

22:37What's next? Me. Oh, what's next? We are doing a tango to It's Raining Men. OK, which will have already happened. And I, you know, as we're speaking right now, how many days out are you from that? This is Thursday and that'll be Tuesday. OK. And you said this is airing Wednesday. Right. So my fate will have been decided by America then. But I mean, I kind of I kind of feel like I'm remaining very hopeful that I'll stick around for a little bit because I do think like it's a TV show. and when people are voting and also, I mean, I am again, relying so much on Emma's online presence and her sort of military campaign to get people to vote for us.

23:24I think I'll stick around because I do kind of feel like it is a TV show. And the question isn't like, who is the dancer? It's like, who do you want to see in the TV show is ultimately what it ends up being. Like if you're going to watch this show next week who do you want to see in the tv show if somebody has to go and like one of the ep said at one point and i it struck me was they're asking you to vote for your favorite dancer not the best dancer the favorite dancer so that can be whatever it means to any anybody watching and anybody taking the trouble to vote which the voting is weird and i guess i knew this but I didn't understand it.

24:02You only vote while the show is on live, which is from eight to 10 on the East coast, seven to nine in Midwest. So that also means here, you got to vote from five to seven. You got to vote three hours before the show airs in order to have your vote count. So if you're watching it on ABC or Disney plus or whatever here in Los Angeles, when you're watching it in the tape delay you can't vote so you it's like for people on the west coast and in mountain time if they want to vote they're voting based on their preference from last week sort of i guess because you don't know what they're what the dance is i thought you were going to reveal that there's like an electoral college too no no no in some states there's yeah but like people have more electors yeah i recall i i was doing interviews today we rehearsed and i did interviews and they were saying, like, it's a double elimination on Tuesday.

24:57How do you feel about that? And I'm like, I don't know. I mean, what can I do? I did as much as I could, and I'll do as much as I can, which is. Until every other dancer has diarrhea, you have not done all that you can do. He's on board now. He came on to the diarrhea train. I have come around. Come on, all aboard. Every other dancer's family remains unthreatened. And, you know, I have not done enough. Or remain. No. You can always do more. Colin and I can take care of it. We can take care of this. You take care of the diarrhea. I've got some very soft Roman lead. It's from the piping in Rome that brought down the empire.

25:37And I am going to be sprinkling that in the other dancers' burritos. You know what I was thinking about? A lot of burritos backstage. I was thinking about if I ever saw you do any choreographed dance. and I remembered your K-pop video and how you just, you couldn't really get it. What do you mean I couldn't get it? I killed that thing. I don't know. What do you mean I couldn't get it? Weren't you there? He was having trouble. He kept on like, I feel like you kept forgetting how to do the string dance. I think, I will say, I think you did great in the K-pop video, but you did do an Irish dance where you kicked a girl in the face.

26:10You did kick a girl in the face. Well, first of all, she had a, I don't know. What's more Irish than that? Well, you're going to blame her? Yeah. We're going to blame her. I'm saying she had a little bit of an attitude beforehand. See? Irish. That's how the Irish take care of things. Yeah. No, there is footage of me accidentally kicking a young girl in the head. I remember that. And then we showed it again and again in slow motion. I did bring her out in front of a massive crowd at the Chicago Theater and kicked her again. Such a good prank. All right. So, Andy, I'm your friend. Maybe your oldest friend.

26:45Maybe your only true friend. and I want to help you in your cause. So maybe you could give us some information. How can people vote for Andy and Emma? They can vote for us. And again, you have to do it Pacific 5 to 7 p.m. on Tuesdays, East Coast 8 to 10 on Tuesdays. And that is your window for voting. And you can text Andy, A-N-D-Y, it's with a Y, to 21523. and you can do that 10 times per couple per per method of voting the other way to vote is online to dwtsvote dwtsvote.abc.com and there again you can vote 10 times per couple um so you don't have to vote all for us but you'd be an idiot not to yeah that's true yeah uh well andy good luck thank you uh keep enjoying it because that's key and take care of yourself I am.

27:45You know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm just worried about your hip exploding mid-dance. No, no, no. It'll be fine. And the doctor said, I did say like, yeah, but do I have to, I was like, I just said like, like, am I going to have to worry about like it's snapping at some point? It's like, no, no, no. You'll be, yeah. What does he know? I know. I know you. You didn't go to the best doctor. I did. I did. It's like, yeah, it's a mobile clinic. You tore a piece of paper off a lamppost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Need a new hip? and i and i teach bass guitar yeah uh no and i'm gonna i'm i'm saving that for january uh that'll be my big new year's present to myself as a new hip and but everybody says that it's a wonderful thing to get done sure uh that you heal up real well it lasts forever and and the consistent thing that everybody says is I wish I'd done it sooner.