Ben Stiller Returns

27:05Yeah. Very well known that way. and um yeah i mean they had yeah they were a comedy team and uh an old school comedy team old school comedy team from this you know they started in the late 50s early 60s and were two young actors who met and fell in love got married really quickly and then were became starving actors in new york and after five or six years tried to figure out a way that they could make some money and my dad was the guy who always wanted to be a comedian grew up during the depression idolized eddie cantor and people like that and my mom wanted to be just wanted to be a serious actress but she was really funny and really talented and my dad had this idea that they should do an act so he pulled her into it interesting yeah and um did they do like sullivan and all those shows yeah they did ed sullivan i think it's 30 i always get it wrong it's like 36 or 37 times.

28:03Wow. And it kind of made their career. Yes. And that's a big - I had a memory. I have a sense memory of them because there was that era where, you know, a comedy team could come into people and talk about like half the country would be watching them do a routine. No, I mean, it was, yeah, that's part of the story is that, you know, the pressure that was on them as live performers, which, you know, a pressure, you know, as, you know, doing what you do. It's, but for them, not like every time they went out, they had to get re-invited back by Sullivan and they had to do well. So, you know, that was, and they had to do like five, it wasn't like two minutes.

28:38It was, it was like six or seven minutes, you know? It's hard for people to know now because there's 75, there's an infinite number of outlets. So there's no such thing as, well, I came on Conan, or I came on one of, you know, Conan's late night show a couple of years ago and he wasn't pleased. So we're through in the business. Well, no, there's a billion other places to go. There's no such thing as you're through, kid. You displeased me. But this was a different era where if Sullivan didn't like you and there was a problem, that was it. That could be it. Yeah. And luckily he liked them. They did a number of different sketches every time they come out.

29:20But then they finally hit on this one sketch where basically they played off the fact that my dad was Jewish, my mom was Irish Catholic, and they had, you know, these two characters meeting off of a computer dating and it was Hershey Horowitz and Mary Elizabeth Doyle. Funny now. Still funny. And it was controversial at the time because, you know, they didn't know if people would go for it. But Ed Sullivan's wife, he was Catholic, but his wife was Jewish. Oh, wow. And he loved it. And that was sort of, you know, he kept on inviting them back. And that's, yeah. But, you know, you're in the documentary because there are so many, you know, these talk show appearances, you know, I'm kind of also looking at it through the lens of, you know, for me over the years being asked about them, you know, and so many times and really trying to figure out like, well, what is it, like, what was it like being their son?

30:11You know, who were they? What was, you know, what's the core of what my experience was with them as parents? And stuff I never really questioned until you start doing something like this and you start looking into it. But we went on with you once and there was a bit that I was sick and my mom was taking care of me and my mom and dad came out with me on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's so funny. It's so great. Those are, I mean, you know. And then I have to tell you another thing too. So I've been working on this thing for like four years. and as a documentary develops, you start to, I've never made a documentary before and what I'm learning is that as it goes along, you start to figure out really what it's about through the process of editing.

31:00And then you think it's one thing for like a year or two and then you realize, oh no, I got to have more of this story or I have to have more. For me, it's been more of like, oh, personally, like really like getting into like, what's my experience with them because I'm the one making the movie. and um we we figured out this part of it that i i've always felt which was my dad on seinfeld was um you know he was so angry right and that was so funny was to see him blow up and scream so funny shouting yes yeah yeah amazing and i always felt it was because he had all this suppressed inner rage in him that he kind of kept down you know he loved my mom they were like you know he was the most loving generous guy but he had like he had to sublimate a lot and over the years doing their act together the the sort of the dynamic between them was that she would kind of like you know shut him up a lot you know like jerry jerry stop talking stop talking yeah and i have all these clips you know from the 70s of them on all these talk shows doing that and i thought you know when he finally hit it with on on seinfeld it was because he was able to let out all of that inner you know yeah makes sense yeah and and i was trying to find a soundbite uh to to sort of you know explain that where he talked about it and i couldn't find one and i was driving home this was like literally like a month ago i'm driving home and i put on you know your serious xm station and it's literally it's my it's a clip of my dad on the show on your show and you're asking him about, you know, Costanza and why is he so funny?

32:36And my dad said, this was like, literally, he says as I turn it on, he says, it's because I had all this inner rage. Jesus! Yeah, and I literally like pulled the car over and like, you know, texted my editor and yeah, isn't that insane? That's fantastic. And we pulled the clip out and it's in the movie along with the other thing. Well, I don't give you permission to use it. That's actually why I'm here. And I'm editing this part out of the podcast. Let's come up with a number, gang. I need a Conan. That is, that is, honestly, I felt like it was my dad and the ether or something, just like this moment was happening.

33:15Well, first of all, I love that. I love that. And I do think that it was so nice that your dad got to have that role. And then he's in King of Queens after that. And so he has this whole, and there's a whole generation that knows him from that stuff. You know what I mean? Which is sweet. He always wanted that. You know, he had had so much success with my mom. But then there was a period of time after, you know, when being a comedy team was not something that was as viable in show business. Right. As you go into the 80s and the 90s, it's not like there are shows that are, you know, like the Merp Griffin show or the Ed Sullivan show.

33:53It's just so they were having to figure out their careers separately. And then, you know, Seinfeld happened for him in his 70s. and it changed, you know, it just fulfilled everything that he had wanted. And my mom, it wasn't as important to her because she was, I think, happier to kind of stay at home and write and, you know, read biographies, do the Sunday Times crossword puzzle. But my dad, that's what was, it was, you know, he was so connected to the audience, to being recognized. It meant so much to him. Yes, yes. Because he was so deprived as a kid. His parents, he had such a tough child.

34:27His dad was a cab driver. you know they live they moved 13 different times when he was a kid over the course of a few years and you know so he he was just like both loving and needy but like in the in the most generous way and you know he might they would like someone come up to him on the street and you know recognize him he'd be with my mom and he'd talk to them for like 15 minutes and my mom would be like jerry let's get the fuck out of here come on this guy knows me exactly i'll do a dance for you whatever Whatever you want. Boy, do I relate to that. Yeah. I didn't get any of that, by the way.

35:04It's funny, cause I know you did, early on you were a musician, drummer. Well, just sort of. Super early on, but did you ever think that was gonna be it or did you always know? No, I was not a great drummer. I was just, that was - I was a terrible drummer. I know you were in a band called Capital Punishment. Capital Punishment, yeah. Right, I was in a band called The Bad Clams and I was a drummer. and then I told them I'm out. I don't have time for this. I've got other things. And I remember thinking, good luck without me and they replaced me with a drum machine. Oh. And it's like a little - Can we leave that on this podcast?

35:37And people were just like, whatever, it's better. It's keeping time correctly. But yeah, that was just a, that was a moment for you. Bad crimes. Yeah, it was, I had a friend in high school who was the band leader and he was really talented. We're still friends, Chris Roebling. and but i i was not a great drummer i really wasn't great at keeping time what's that um documentary about ginger baker ginger baker yeah that one yeah from cream yeah there's a great documentary about him and he's like so like hard-ass in terms of like you gotta like either you have time or you don't have time oh and in that documentary they're saying things like you mean great like a great drummer like uh you know um keith moon from the who and he goes no i'm talking about real drum i mean people are mentioning icons to him or john bonham from And he's like, no, I mean, a real drum.

36:24And then this guy who thinks of like maybe three people in the universe are real drummers and everyone else is just shite. Yeah. You have just in addition to these movies you're directing and you had all this crazy success as an actor. and then you've sort of made a conscious decision to step back a little from that, I'd say in the last five, seven years, and say, okay, what I really want to do is craft things, direct, produce. Was that a conscious decision? Yeah, it was a moment that kind of hit me. I've always loved directing since I was a kid. So like that, and then, you know, I was directing a lot of these movies I was in over the years.

37:08But I never, except for Cable Guy, I'd never directed anything that I wasn't in, but I always thought of myself more as a director than an actor, really. I felt like that was more where I was. I thought I was better at that. Definitely not a live performer for my short time on SNL. It was so nerve wracking for me to be. It's still anytime doing something live. It's like, you know, I don't enjoy it. I'm happy when it's over. And if it goes well, it's great. But so directing to me was always like a comfort area and just happy, you know, it just made me happy. And so it was really after Zoolander 2 came out.

37:46That was like sort of the inflection point where it's like the movie, you know, didn't do well. It was not well received. And it was this moment in time where I was like, oh, man, you know, like, what am I going to do? What do I want to do next? And I had some space just to kind of like think about it. And then this project that I'd been developing kind of right when the movie came out, Escape at Dannemora, this limited series about this prison escape in New York that happened in 2015, I think. That was there, and I had the time to work on it because I wasn't doing other stuff. first of all, Escape of Denimura, I love that.

38:24And I loved, to me, it's about you get to craft something. You get to take some time. I know how much telling a story visually is important to you. And so you get time to, let's get this exactly the way we want it. And I always think the plus and minus of doing things that are live or done quickly is we'll grab it. It may not go our way. sometimes when it goes well you get the rush when it goes badly it's over and it's time to do another one but if you get to really craft something it's a very different feeling I would guess over a long period of time you get to think about what is this going to look like how am I going to tell this story right and which is daunting too you know because it's like all right how do I do this but it's also to me it's like sort of the most subjective thing where you just go okay you know how would how do i see this how would i want to see this i think when i just got to the idea of like basically like what would i want to see what would because i do love comedy and i loved comedies growing up but i also really love just dramatic movies um so i just started thinking like well what would i want to see and with escape it damn war was like yeah i would love to see this if it was a movie limited series whatever and the vibe and the feeling i think for me was so much like it was so clear and yeah then you just take the time and work again collaboratively with people who you think are really talented and you have a similar sensibility and you know you have these partners you're a cinematographer production designer costume designer um dan amora was michael tolkien and brett johnson these two great writers and you know the truth of what happened in that story was to me was sort of like what i was like most interested in because it scared me too because I'd never done a prison escape movie.

40:14And I was like, all right, well, I have no idea how to, like, how do I do this and make it real? How do I make it feel authentic? And so I just went to the real facts. And the more I learned about what actually happened and got to the real places, I just said, all right, I'm just going to go for the real thing. Because that was what was fascinating to me about that story was that how could a prison escape like this happen in 2015 that feels like something out of, like, Escape from Alcatraz or something. Yeah, you don't think it's possible anymore. Yeah. And then you realize, oh, there's like the system that's in place at this old prison.

40:44You know, it's, it's, there's so many places where, you know, things can go wrong. And also the hierarchy of how it works there in terms of with the guards and the prisoners and, you know, the, I mean, the dynamics in a prison, it's a huge prison too. So, you know, it's like its own little, you know, city or something. and so the more I talked to real people who experienced it and got the details I was just that was really fun for me and then cinematically yeah it's fun to like figure out how to do something that you know hopefully look cool and be intriguing did you ever consider being in prison for several years do you really I mean if you really I'm sorry if you really if he really wants to capture the story I think you should have if you took it seriously I think you would have done three years in prison years if you want You know what I mean?

41:34Not like Dave? I thought you did a fantastic job, but think about what you could have done if you had been in prison. If I'd actually experienced it. Would you ever consider going to prison for three years? I would like to be put in prison. Many of our listeners want me in prison right now. Well, this leads me nicely to Severance because I'm lucky enough to be friendly, friends with and encounter people all the time, especially in the comedy world and acting world. And so I kind of semi-know Adam Scott and my wife and I watch Severance when it comes out. And I shortly after that, I see Adam Scott and I said, that was the best thing that's been on television in memory.

42:12That was fantastic. And he was like, oh, you know, thanks a lot, man. And I was like, no, no, no. And I think I put my hand on his chest. Like, no, no, no. Jesus. You don't understand. Why? I know there's a show business thing. Have you felt his chest, Adam Scott's chest? I have not, no. Well, you haven't lived then. Okay. No, but my, you know, the way there's a show business thing of, hey, man, I saw your thing. It was really good. And it's, it's, you'll say it about me at some point, but. That's so sad. It'll come out naturally or we'll edit it in. And I'll touch your chest. But I, it was very important to me to, to let him know, no, no, no, no.

42:48I'm not doing that thing. Right. I'm doing this other thing where, and he was, you know, appreciative, I think, and then just wanted to get away.

42:59But the quality of the storytelling, the intricacy of it, the respect it has for the audience, it's so smart. And there's so many layers to it that there's, I mean, I've gone into deep dives where people discuss, you know, just various levels of it. And it all holds up because when you put that much thought into something, it's really beautiful when people appreciate it and see it. Yeah. And start to go like, oh, wait a minute. What do you think's going on? And the whole concept of severance is fantastic. Yeah, that's great to hear in that the trust you can have for the audience, which you have to sort of like take a sort of runner on and kind of, you know, just go, OK, I'm going to believe that they're going to get this.

43:42But, you know, you never go bad when you don't underestimate the audience. Yes. Because people are smart. And especially now, people watch television so closely and they appreciate it so much and they look forward to it. And so that's a great thing to know that people will pick up these little things. But we made the show in a bubble during COVID with no, you know, you make the whole series and then you put it out. So there's no feedback. And you don't know. You've basically built this giant contraption and you put it out there and you don't know, is it going to work? Yeah. What if people watch the first episode and say, I don't care?

44:20It's not like the opposite of doing like a late night show or something where you're getting feedback every day. Every second. Right. Right. And so it was one of the, a great experience making it. And then near the end, I was like, oh, wow. I hope people, I hope people get it. I hope they like it. This is, we've been working on this thing for a couple of years. Like this could be either good or it could just be like, oh, you know, maybe nobody's going to even see it. Well, the reaction was, it was great. Insane. It was great. It's as great as anything I've been a part of. And, you know, and, you know, being in the business so long, like you never know how people are going to react to stuff.

44:56And when it's great, it's so great. And when it's not great, it sucks. But it's not that different, the experience of whatever you make, you know, something that gets well received or not. It's you're still putting your all into it. Well, I've always said it takes a lot of talented people working really hard to make something shitty. Meaning when you see something and everyone sits around and hate watches it or says this is bad. That was a lot of oftentimes very talented people working really hard and it just didn't come out quite the way they wanted it to or it came out at the wrong time or whatever.

45:27Whatever it is. Whatever it was. And then those same people can work on something and it can be absolutely amazing. And you're all in on it the whole time. Yeah. So you can't go back. And it's just sort of like, okay, so this is it. There are these moments I talked to you earlier about. There are always these moments in your work where I remember them. they're really fantastic there was a moment there's so many moments in the first season of severance that were first of all the look of it and there are moments as where i think you as a director the use of corridors and ceilings like i when i watch this show i feel like i'm i'm down underground and i'm in that place and it's a very specific the lighting the look of it the the vibe You've got these great, wide, like, flat shots sometimes.

46:18And it does feel a little bit like Kubrick or something. It's just like all the references are absolutely incredible. And bears re-watching. Like, you can re-watch it over and over and over again. It's really hypnotic. But there's a moment with the actor. He plays Lance. Is it Trammell Tillman? Yeah. There's a moment. I'm not giving anything away where he goes into a dance in this first season. And it's my favorite moment in television of that year. because it's not part of his character. But then he goes into this kind of dance, and the way you shoot it, and I think I've watched it like 20 times.

46:53I don't know this gentleman. I please tell him I'm his biggest fan. But that was my favorite moment. It was so, it came at me in such a weird way from the side. You know what I mean? It came through my peripheral vision, and it was so fantastic, and the way it was scored, the music, and the tension building while he's doing this kind of what's supposed to be a joyous thing. It was, it's sort of David Lynch. It's everything. It's like 15 different flavors. Yeah, it was just a confluence of events that came together. I didn't even know he was going to dance like that. It's dancing. His dancing is fantastic.

47:31It's the same thing Tom Cruise dancing. Like, I didn't know Tom Cruise was going to dance like that. Did this guy have in his contract though? No, but, you know, that was also, yeah, one of those things where it was just like, I was, I felt the same way watching it. I was like, oh, this is so cool. And I love watching this. I could watch it over and over again. And I think as a director, you kind of not to, it's not like you want to like say, oh, my work is great. It's like you as you're almost like an audience. You have to act as an audience and you're the sort of like, you have to make the choices based on being an audience that you're projecting would be watching something.

48:02Yeah, yeah. So I was, I love it too. I was like, I love watching. I was like, oh, this is really fun. I could watch this all day. At the heart of this show is this concept. And again, this isn't giving anything away because anyone who's listening to this, and you need to watch this show, but you also, if you haven't seen the first season, watch that. And the concept is people working at this company and to go into this company, they descend and they're disassociated from their previous life. And so their work life and the person who's up above ground, they're the same person, but - Yeah, there's just a chip that's inserted into their head and it gets triggered when they go in the elevator down to work that they don't remember who they are upstairs.

48:42And they just know their reality at work. And then when they leave, the chip gets triggered again and they don't remember what happened at work. And you see there's a subtle thing you do with the lens when Adam Scott's going down the elevator. And, you know, I don't know what it is. I don't technically understand it. But something happens where you can see the focal point kind of change just a little bit enough to know that they've gone through a transformation. So everyone's severed from what's happening to them in the top of the world. and there are so many analogies to that, which is why would these people choose to do that?

49:16And one of the things, and I might be fishing here, but it very much felt to me like, oh, this is like alcohol or drugs, people that something happened in their life, they want to disassociate from it and anyone who's had issues with drugs or alcohol knows that there's a reason you're doing that. You want to be somebody else because being who you are and feeling that's too painful. And it's just really, I mean, there's like 35 different scholars could talk about all the different things that are brought up in one way or another in Severance. And that's all Dan Erickson, the creator, the writer, you know, it was the first script that he had produced.

49:58It was a spec script he had sent around. And Jackie Cohn at our company, Red Hour, read it and thought it was good. And I read it. That's a spec script? That was a spec script, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. It's good to know, right? For aspiring writers. And he had this amazing idea and this amazing facility in terms of how, you know, the tone of his writing. But I agree with you. There's that analogy. You know, just the idea for me also of these people are like coming into work and doing their thing and having their banter and kind of, you know, it's very like kind of, you know, like an office comedy kind of vibe.

50:33but they don't know who they are. They don't know why they're there and they don't know what they're doing. To me, that's like the life analogy. Yeah. Like, you know, that's, we're all here, you know? And we get settled in and we figure out how to get through and do it. But like, we don't ultimately know what it's all about. So I thought that was what was always resonated. The work they're doing is so, I mean, it's really funny. The work they're doing on their computer screens is hilariously, I mean, it is analogous to how a lot of people feel about their jobs. You know, I'm here moving these numbers around.

51:06Kind of widgets. Widgets. And it doesn't make sense. When I watch it, it doesn't make sense. But when someone does it, they're like, good for you. You did it. And I think many people, many Americans watching it would say, that's what it feels like at work. My daughter was role playing going to work the other day. I said, what do you do for work? She goes, I push buttons. Yes. She's going to go far, that kid. Well, Dan worked at a door factory when he came out to LA and that was where he got the idea because he was just going crazy every day working at this door factory and he wanted to forget about it.

51:40So he wrote, I mean, to me, it's also, it is a great message for people that there are a lot of people that say, oh, it's all who you know. And it's like, no, if you have a really good story to tell and a great idea and you write it, the cream does, the truth does out. The cream does rise to the top. If you put something out there that's a real quality, it's going to bounce around and someone like you was going to find it. Yeah. I mean, it's hard. It's hard to get the access for people, you know, to get that, that script in someone's hands. But, um, I feel like in this business, everybody's always looking for that next thing, you know, always looking for talent, looking for something that they're going to read and it's going to excite them and, um, feel, you know, feel new and different.

52:20And that's just always going to be. Also, this cast you have. I mean, I mentioned Adam Scott and Britt Lauer is amazing and incredible in it. But also, you've got John Turturro, you've got Christopher Walken. I mean, you've got there. There's something really fascinating about this show, which is that people naturally, when they work together, want to create community. And there's something happening here at Lumen where they kind of really don't want people talking. They don't want people getting too close to each other. Right. And that's another mystery. And I know I think the reward of a show like this is that you get really smart fans online.

53:00And there are so many of them that are all arguing about what does this mean? And Eduardo, when I came in, Eduardo, no, but no, Eduardo, you said you said you don't fuck this up. This is severance, man. Don't fuck this up. No, my quote, Ben Stiller has been around a long time and we could shoot the shit about a lot of things. And I do intend to spend a half the time talking about Severn's show like, you don't fuck it up. By the way, Eduardo, I totally get it. I know Conan a long time. He's seen me fuck up a lot of stuff. But I read an interview with Patricia Arquette, who's amazing in the show.

53:39And she has this quote about you as a director. It was just about your tenacity, how hard you work, how important it is to you that you get it right. It was really lovely. Yeah, well, she's amazing. I mean, yeah, you know, I think we're all going through life and trying, I feel like a kinship, seriously, Conan, because I know how hard you work and how much it means to you, but you're also trying to figure out the work-life balance, which is part of the show, too. And that's important, too. And I hope over the years, over the, I don't know, last whatever you know 20 30 years that like i've figured out that a little bit more because you have to there's a point where you work work it and work and work it but then you also have to like also then be able to step back and go okay i can only control so much yes yeah i haven't gotten to that point yet but i've heard tell you can only control so much learn the hard way you know well but um i will say on a personal note like when you walk in the door you seem happy yeah and um I know that you're someone who, one of the, maybe the subtitle of this podcast could be, sometimes I want it to be, be careful who you envy.

54:49Like I want to talk to people and let everyone know everyone's got shit. Everyone has got things that they're dealing with. And predominantly I get to talk to people like yourself who are very talented and have done this amazing work. And you're trying to figure out most of the things that everyone else is trying to figure out. So when you walked in after all these years to see that you look great, you seem happy this is incredible work you're doing and I love that you're able to say to yourself yeah I can go back and be in something again I think you're going to go back and maybe do a cameo in I'm doing Happy Gilmore I've got this little movie I did with David Gordon Green called Nutcrackers that's on Hulu that we did like super low budget and it was really fun yeah but like you can dip into that when you want but you can enjoy this and also enjoy your life Yes.

55:37Well, that's the big part of it, enjoying your life. I mean, and that's... And you and I are talking about it as if we don't know what that is. I know, exactly. We've heard tell of this life thing. My agent tells me my children are thriving. You guys are severed. Yeah, we are severed. We don't know what's happening. I think I'm told I have kids. I have to go up in the elevator and... No, you know, it's... You know, your kids are older, too. I mean, my daughter's 22, my son's 19, and they will tell you, they'll give you feedback on how you're doing, you know? And I appreciate it. And we've actually, like working on the documentary, I interviewed both my kids and Christine, and, you know, we talked about stuff that's worked in our lives and stuff that hasn't worked in our lives.

56:24And my kids were very honest with me, you know, about times when my work was, I put my work in front of the family. Yeah. And I'm very grateful that I'm in a place now where I still like have these relationships with them that we can work on and talk about that stuff and you know and adjust because uh because it's true you know it's cliche but it's true but like at the end of the day that's what it's all really about my joy comes from working and being creative being creative but sharing that with my family and like if you like going home and not having anybody to share that with I've had that because Christine and I were separated for a few years and you know if that's the right thing for people sometimes that's the right thing but you know for me having being together with her and our family being together I'm so much more appreciative of it so I feel really grateful well I am delighted for you I'm really delighted I figured it all out I have no problems and why are you crying you're crying as you say it and it's tears of blood it's just fucking weird I just figured it all out Ben just absolute joy to see you again you too man I'm so I'm so delighted for you I really am I'm genuinely and I have a very just nice funny little memory of I lived on predominantly on the Upper West Side for years all those years I was doing Late Night and for some reason I would always run into your mom on the Upper West Side and she was so lovely to me and such a and such a real person on the Upper West Side you know such an upper west side and a fan of yours she was absolutely you know we catholics have to stick up for each other by the way i just have to say also there's there is one scene at the end of the last episode of season two of severance that i'm really looking forward to you seeing oh because i feel like you of all people i will text you yeah no we'll appreciate this little scene okay and it might even seem to others who watch it maybe weird or indulgent but i feel like it's like made for you.

58:28If it's weird and indulgent, if it's weird and indulgent, I'm going to love it. All right, good. That's what you are, weird and indulgent. Okay, I think I spelled it out enough. Yeah. Hey, Ben, thank you so much. Yeah, man. And congrats on Severance. Great to see you. Thanks, man.

58:52Okay, we found that something very interesting happened. with a fan of yours and more specifically some merchandise from this podcast okay and this comes from instagram we're gonna take a listen to it or watch it if you're watching this on youtube okay let's take a look i fought a burglar for wearing my conan o 'brien needs a friend t-shirt there was a man in my house and i told him you know this is my house get out then i saw he was wearing my Conan O 'Brien t-shirt. I ordered him to take it off. He did not. And so I did a stupid thing and I went up to him. I pushed him a little bit and yanked the shirt right off of him.

59:40You might be thinking, yeah, that is stupid. Why would you react that way? It's just a shirt. And I think it's partially because what that shirt represented to me at that time. All the comedians I had watched, I told them they saved me. When I saw him wearing a shirt that represented why I like living. I love laughing. I love comedy. I love all of that. All the friends that I made. I snapped. Oh my God, happiest day of my life. I did meet him. Best day of 2024. He still doesn't know the story because he just signed my shirt, took this picture and left. It was like midnight. So this comes to us from an Instagram username, True Travels of Hope.

1:00:29My first thought is that were you the burglar just trying to get the shirt off?

1:00:37Yes, I do try to reuse merchandise as much as possible because we know where our merchandise is sent. And so I try to go there. So I'm often in my downtime patrolling the Midwest, the southern states, the southwest and the Pacific Northwest, looking for people wearing Conan Merchant. And I just try to reclaim it as best I can so we can sell it a second time. That's what it was. And I do sometimes take other stuff while I'm in the houses. Might as well. I noticed because she's wearing one of those shirts for the podcast that say, I feel blank about being Conan O 'Brien's friend. And there's a spot where you can literally fill it in with a marker and she has not done that yet.

1:01:17No, she's still not sure how she feels. Well, what do we think of this story? First of all... I really wish she wouldn't have confronted this robber. Yes, I'm going to say that too. I think, and I want to say this to all my fans, if someone, and first of all, Let me start by saying to this woman, True Travels of Hope. I want to say to True Travels of Hope that I very much appreciate that you're a loyal fan and that our nonsense has meant something to you. And so this comes from the bottom of my heart. Our merchandise is not worth risking your life for. This is very shoddy material. It's often repurposed.

1:01:57Some of it might be toxic and endangering your life. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, that's an old Friday Night Lights shirt that we spray painted over using really an out-of-date spray paint. So no, do not risk your life. Do not approach a burglar. If anyone approaches you and says, you know, give me that Conan O 'Brien merch, just give it up. Just give it up. It's funny you should say that she shouldn't approach him because I feel like the first thing that you would do— I would absolutely approach him. Not for a Conan O 'Brien shirt. Not for—no. But if someone was wearing your Cher shirt and stolen it.

1:02:32Oh, if someone was in my house and like, first of all, he just put a shirt on? I know. Also, here's another thing. She said she ripped it off like he's a stripper. Like it's a tear away shirt. I think the shirts are so threadbare and cheap that you can just rip them off. Or most people that own Conan merch are so, and I speak about myself in the third person, so love Conan that they rarely take it off and it becomes threadbare more quickly, hence easily to tear. So I think that's a possibility. I don't know. I don't think people should be risking their lives for Conan merch. No. Especially the mugs.

1:03:14I mean, the mugs often explode. That's been proven. Mugs could be good weapons. Yeah. No, not our mugs. They just turn to powder the minute you hit someone. But it's nice. she did say we met but she doesn't say where we met she said it was midnight and I can't tell from the picture where we were so maybe it's when I broke back into the house to get the shirt back after my initial failed attempt it would have been really funny if you were just like an absolute dick to her if you were just like ugh I don't like taking pictures dumb fans he broke back into the house so he could get a selfie and so he could force her to sign I'm the guy that asks people would you like a selfie yes when often they don't even have a phone near them.

1:03:56The sirens are down the street and he breaks back in going, I haven't signed your shirt yet. Would you like me to sign it? That would be more likely. Oh, okay. But, well, I'm glad she got her shirt back. I'm glad she's okay. I'm glad she's okay. But I do think we should take a lesson away from this that, you know, look, if it's Marvel merchandise, yes, fight for your life to get it back. That's the weird thing. What's the motivation of the burglar? This is what they decide to take, you know? Well, first of all, okay, okay, now you're being a dick. Well, I'm on this podcast too. What I used to steal.

1:04:26Yes. I used to just be like, can I do it? Oh. And so it wasn't about what I was stealing. It was about, could, like, and also I got very arrogant. Like I would wear a bracelet in the store and I'd just be like, I'm going to walk out wearing the bracelet. I remember once Sona and I were in Worcester, Massachusetts and there is an armory there and there's an armor museum, a museum of like Flemish, British, French armor from 18th and 19th century. And we were in there, and this is during Sona's, let me see if I can get away with this phase. Sona walked out wearing a full suit of armor.

1:05:10If you act like you were wearing it in, they would just be like, oh, she's just leaving in the outfit. It was from 1622. And it had all this fancy filigree on it. And so the guy said, excuse me, miss, I think you're, and she was like, what? What? I was wearing this on the way in. You're racist. Oh my God. Remember when you said you're racist? No. And you had the visor down, so he didn't even know, right? He didn't know who you were. Right? Look, I liked just like showing, hey, I just took it. Yeah. And it's, you know, most of the time, if you walk out confidently, people are just gonna be like, okay, it's the long story.

1:05:48The museum of armor that you stole from Worcester, Massachusetts, and you should give it back. That was such a buildup to what you were going to say. There was so much just information. Well, listen. What museum did we go to? There's a, can you look up the, what's the museum of armor? We're fact checking this? Yes. This fake story? It's not fake. It really happened. It really happened. Worcester, Massachusetts, museum of armor. Come on. What do you mean I'm working on it? Once I got a headband. Higgins Armory? Yes! Higgins Armory. It was the one thing when I would go visit my cousins, every time my aunt would say, it would be raining out, and we'd be like, we got nothing to do, and what is there to do in Worcester?

1:06:32And she'd say, go to the Museum of Armor. Oh my God. And so we'd drive over to the Higgins Museum of Armor, and there was no attempt to make it look interesting, just literally a giant warehouse and someone had lots of suits of armor that they just laid out. They didn't even put mannequins in them. I feel like you would enjoy that, though. Did you act like you weren't excited because you didn't want your cousins to think you were - Truth be told? Yeah. Greatest days of my life. Boy, did this little orange-haired boy love a suit of armor. Oh, look, it's Dutch! Hey, Luke! Hey, Neil! I found one that's Dutch!

1:07:15And then the beatings commenced. Anyway, take care, fans. Don't stop crime. And visit the Higgins Armor Museum in Worcester, Massachusetts.

1:07:33Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

1:07:53Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:08:37you