Bike Pervert

0:14Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. How are you, Rene? Hello. Hi, I'm good. Good to meet you, Conan. Hi. I love the way you say my name. Can I hear it one more time? Conan. I love it. I can say Conan, but. Whatever you want. I think there's an, he put an umlaut on my name. Two little dots. I love that. Conan. It's very cool. Conan. Conan. You can't, God. And I should not forget Sona and Matt, of course. Hi guys. Hi. Good to meet you. You're welcome to forget them if you wish. Rene, first of all, tell us where you are right now in the world. I'm in the Netherlands in a place called Breda, which is in the south, close to Belgium.

0:57Oh, you're close to - But maybe you're already lost with the Netherlands, but - Oh, okay. Thanks a lot. You show a lot of faith. No, I'm very aware. I think the Netherlands is one of my favorite islands. And just southwest of Spain, just floating off the coast. So Breda, I have never been to Breda or the Netherlands and I would love to go someday, but tell me a little bit about yourself. You appear to be, well, he's a, he reminds me a little of you, Matt. I was just thinking that, you know, but I think I flatter myself, you're a very good looking guy. Well, so are you, Matt. All right. But no, doesn't he look, I think if something, God forbid something were to happen to Matt - Wait a minute.

1:39Very soon. Wait a minute. I mean, like literally within three days. Come on. I think, Renee, you could drop right in and be the Breda Netherlands version of Matt. I love Star Wars and Indiana Jones. See, he knows all about you. That's all you need to do. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he doesn't really know. Not so much, sorry. I used to like it, but. Yeah. Don't you get Star Wars and Star Trek confused? Doesn't that happen to you all the time? No, we're not all like you, Conan. No, it's simple. Okay, anyway. I like this. Sorry. I like this guy. I approve him as my replacement. I like the movie where Spock and Yoda finally make up and mend fences.

2:19Renee, am I saying your name correctly, Renee? Renee, yeah, exactly. Okay, you know, some people prefer Renee. Renee, I see, it looks like a bicycle crashed in the background behind you. I see a bunch of tires. Oh my God, you've got several bikes. You have several bicycles. Oh, they're hanging. I've got several bikes. Okay, tell me, are you a bike fanatic? I am, yeah. I cycle quite a lot, and I'm also a bicycle designer, so it sort of fits. That's cool. So wait, so you design bicycles? I'm a little, I have to admit, I don't have a lot of hobbies, but I love bicycles. I really do. I'm obsessed with bicycles.

3:00You really do? Okay. And I love to ride a bicycle, and I like to, I just, I also just love looking at them. I think they're beautiful examples of engineering and sculpture. I really like it. You just look at them like you stand in your garage and just stare at your butt? That's what we do, Sona. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not kidding. There are times when I've been riding my bike. I have this all-steel bike that I had made by this gentleman in Portland who's quite good at it. and I will ride my bike and then I'll chain it up outside a coffee shop down in Santa Monica and I'll be sipping coffee and looking out the window staring at my bike like a creep.

3:43This is all the worst because you recently revealed that you shaved your chest for biking too and to think of you there just all smooth chested. It wasn't just for biking. There was another reason too and I don't want to get into it. Let's just say it's for a movie role and a movie that I'm not allowed to publicize. Bike pervert? It has nothing to do with biking. Okay. Are you shaved, Renee? Sorry. My legs are, yeah. Really? There you go. There you go. And I gotta admit, it's mainly aesthetics. Oh, by the way, Renee, don't be put off. That's Sona's question for everyone on the podcast. Are you shaved?

4:21As long as we don't get any further than the legs, I'm fine with that question. Yeah, every time I'm in a restaurant with Sona, that's the first thing she asks. The waiter or waitress? Are you shaved? Any drinks for this table? Shaved. How do you like your Parmesan? Shaved. Oh God. So you design bikes. I'm gonna tell you something, Renee, I don't know if you are aware of my physical attributes or deformities, however you want to call it. I have extremely - Take no but. Okay, take it easy. Yeah. No, not just no but. Renee, take it easy. Wow, tensions between the US and the Netherlands are boiling.

5:06I have very long legs. And so when I get a bike off the rack, it just doesn't work. And so I was tortured for years and then someone said, no, you have to get a bike fitted. So I did that. Custom made. And it was night and day. But when people see my bike, they start laughing. Because of my dimensions, the seat is maybe five and a half feet from the ground. But then the seat and the handlebars are very close together. It's like some circus bike that a grizzly bear would ride. Can you imagine, Rene, what my bike would look like? Yeah, you got a long head tube and you sit quite upright on your bike, probably.

5:50Yeah, and people see me for miles around and circus music plays and it's a lot of fun. Yeah, I know it looks weird, but it's healthy in your six foot four. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah, you need a custom bike. Otherwise, you just hurt yourself. No, it's true. So what kind of bike would you design for me? Would you, let's say that you got the proportions correct. What about styling? If you were to make me a bike, would you do any kind of special styling for me? Tassels. No, not tassels. All tassels and fringe. Tassels and a big banana seat. Yeah. With a horn that doesn't work. If we go full custom, we can make a nice carbon bike for you.

6:38Just a one-off. I mean, you probably got the money for it. No, I don't, actually. I invested very badly. The steel bike is nice, but it's like the 17s calling their bikes back. Oh, snap. Wow. Bird, bike bird. It's a bike rash. Now, wait a minute. Some people, I don't want to talk about a very specific fight. Some people think that the steel bike has its advantages over the carbon bike. What are those advantages? Well, carbon bike, you get one little nick on the carbon, the whole thing can explode. What? And it's happened. Every day I ride down the road and I see bikes exploding to the left and the right of me because the carbon can't handle it.

7:19True or not true, Rene? Oh, absolutely true, not. Wow. You read that on Facebook probably. Yeah. Or on the Tucker Carlson show. Oh! Well, I only go to Tucker for bike advice. And he's always spot on. He's spot on about everything. You design bikes. What else do you do? Is that your profession? That is my main profession for the last 20 years or so. And it's not just the frames or the bikes. I'd also do graphics or smaller parts like wheels or handlebars. What are wheels? Wheels are not a smaller part, René. Oh, and those little fringe parts like wheels. You know, some people get crazy and want wheels.

8:07Yeah, but when I get an assignment, it's either the frame that I have to design or the graphics or the wheels or the handlebars. It's all just a matter of putting all those components together. but the client is usually somebody who makes either the frame or the handlebar or the wheels. Okay, got it. Or things like that. Now, do you have another profession as well, or is it exclusively bikes? Well, on the side, I also have a small company that designs horse riding underwear. What? Which is quite straight from - That was gonna be my guess. From cycling? My guess was gonna be either you sell heroin or you make horse riding underwear.

8:49Wait a minute. Is there special underwear for people that ride horses? Yeah. Well, there is now. There wasn't until I started. It is, well, you can imagine there's quite a lot of abrasion in the saddle when they're moving around in certain riding styles. Yes. So the underwear. Hey, could you keep rocking up and down like that? Renee, just do that again. All right, let's play a little music. From the sides. Not the music I was thinking of. You two are on completely different pages. You're riding a horse. and I'm in late 70s full-on steel porn. I got to say, I don't ride horse. So excuse me for not portraying it correctly.

9:29Did you make these so that you could also use them for the bicycle? Is that part of it? Or did I just give you a brilliant idea? Well, if you sit more upright, then our padding would be correct. Then it would be very nice. But the position of the body is different for horse riding and for cycling. So the cycling wear would not be suitable for horse riding, which is why I came up with specifically for the horse riding. Rene, let's get into specifics here. You're riding a horse. And you talk about abrasion. Are we protecting, let me just be very clear and clinical, the genitalia or the ass region or the area in between, which I think science calls the taint?

10:10What are we protecting? We're protecting everything. So it's sort of like a diamond shape. Yeah, I would imagine that. It's the perineum. You got the pubic arches where you're sitting on. Oh, yeah. Over five billion served. You got the pubic area. By the way, my pubic arch collapsed a while ago, and now I'm wearing pubic orthotics. Oh, God. He has a pubic gulch. Oh, no. So, Renee. No. You know, you need to apologize to everybody in this. I just rolled up a piece of paper and fired it at you with my fingers. Rene, if you don't mind me, really, because I'm interested in designing my own binding netherware.

10:54This equestrian gear, what made you think of getting into designing underwear for horse riders? Well, at the time, my girlfriend was a horse rider. and i was designing cycling uh wear for uh for my clients and she saw me working with this um this foam this pad that you wear on this on the in the cycling shorts yes and she said oh my god i want this for horse riding some kind of padding some kind of uh comfort and i asked why don't you have this kind of stuff here in the in the equestrian world so i dug into that uh whole market and there was barely anything so i started designing uh new underwear specifically so so you you create this company with your girlfriend yeah which is now actually my ex-girlfriend but the company still exists to make things a little bit less complicated okay i don't want this to be i don't want this to be awkward but the business survived the breakup of the relationship exactly yeah oh okay that's very nice do you still work together yeah yeah so it sounds like you invented We don't have an office where we meet each other every day, but yeah, we see each other.

12:08It's ironic that you designed a garment that could cut down on friction, but not the friction in your relationship. Wow. What do you think of that? That was profound. Deep. Yeah. Hey, Renee. I need to think about this.

12:32I've got a question why not cut out the middleman and isn't it time to reinvent the saddle it's just an old leather thing what if you put the foam on the saddle you know what I like the way you're thinking and I want a piece of this business no I just thought of it I know and I'm here to say me too good idea There was a guy next to Edison who said, I like it. And he got 50 % of the light bulb. Rene, what do you think about what Matt just said? That you're, you know, let's fix the saddle. Well, there are foam pads that you can lay over the saddle. I don't want something extra. But a lot of the riding that needs to have more contact with the leather saddle, there's a reason why it's so hard.

13:17because you need to be able to steer the horse with very subtle movements with the legs. I didn't know that, but my ex-girlfriend told me about it. I think there's a better way to... I would like to suggest a better way to steer the horse because traditionally I think people use their legs and they use the reins. But I think this is something that could be done with one of those Wii controllers. There's a way to do this. What about just a steering wheel implanted into the horse? I tried that once. Okay. Yeah, and it didn't go. It's great listening to the two of you talk about horse riding. Well, yeah, I bet it is.

13:52I feel like we've never ridden a horse. We're making vast improvements. Already between the two of us, we've reinvented the saddle, which will now be made of a very different material, probably some sort of soft meat. And also... Do we need the horse? Let me ask that. If we were just to get a motorcycle. Or what about four wheels? Okay. And then you have a really nice seat. and a steering wheel. A steering wheel. I'm in on this. I want in on this. Yeah. And you call it a horse or whatever. A Mustang. A Mustang. Yeah. There you go. I think we've now transformed your business radically. You need to move to Detroit and start making these on an assembly line.

14:32I agree with this reasoning. I'm not a big horse fan either. So I prefer four wheels or two wheels. Do you think the fact that you don't like horses and in fact just admitted to hating them led to the breakup of your relationship? Yeah. No, it wasn't that. Oh, okay. But maybe a small part. All right, shh. Okay, all right. Well, I'm gonna tell you something. Suma suits. Renee, I'm gonna tell you something. I like to ride a bike, but I made a decision a number of years ago. This is all completely true. I don't like wearing cycling wear. And I really, and the guys that I bike with, they don't like it either.

15:09So we all started just wearing like short, like regular cargo shorts. I like that I don't wanna be dressed as a spaceman. And I'll still do a good, long, serious ride, but if I wear, there's cycling underwear you can buy that you put on underneath, and then you just put on regular, I'm going camping clothes. And you take off. I do as well. I far prefer that. I hated walking in to get coffee someplace and looking like my UFO had just landed out in this street. so you're the same way for some things yeah i um i adjust my style according to the writing i do let me ask you another question and this fascinates me some countries and i'm hoping that this is true of the netherlands but i've my dream would be to drive would be to ride my bike to work i live quite far from here um and there's la isn't built for it but i see that in europe they've done, I mean, they've made so much progress in building all these incredible, you know, thoroughfares and places that are just completely for bikes so that people can ride their bike to work, get off, but be wearing like a cool suit.

16:24I just think that's an amazing way to live. It's a very bike friendly region, the Netherlands. Yes. Correct. I mean, we're very used to having bikers on the road. So the car drivers are, I mean, they're not very scared of having cyclists on the road as well. Okay. They've got separate lanes as well. So yeah, it's pretty safe over here. And this is the other thing I want. It's getting a little less safe, but with the e-bikes. Rene, I've just given you, I've put you on, I mean, I hate to brag, but this podcast is an international sensation. And I have now put a spotlight on you. I think the least you could do is to design me a bike.

17:02Oh. I would, of course, pay you a nominal fee, upwards of 100 to 200 US dollars. But what do you think? If you post it, if you post my design, I will design a bike for you. Of course I'll post your design. And I got a factory that makes the bike for you. But you need to, I have to have a bike fitting. You need to be there when I have a bike fitting. Unless I send you one of my existing bikes. But I want you to pay for the postage. You mean email. Oh, okay. But if you made me a bike, I would want it to be to all of my specifications. I want a milkshake holder. I want a place to keep magazines. I want all these things that most bikes don't have.

17:49You want a bespoke bike. Yeah, exactly. I'm doing podcasting. That's how you do podcasting. That's how it's done. Renee, it's been very nice talking to you. You seem like a gentleman and a scholar. Do you have a question for me? Maybe something you've always wanted to ask me since you've been a fan, even as a little boy. These are assumptions I'm making, but I think they're safe to make. I don't have a question which was with me all the time, but since I know now that you're a rider, where would you take me riding around your location? What is the nicest route around LA for a cyclist? Oh, I'll tell you exactly.

18:24We go over a ride together. Are we talking mountain bike or are we talking road bike? Whatever your pick is, I can do both. Mountain biking here is fantastic because the mountains here are incredible. You can ride up. You can actually see some wildlife. Every now and then, if you're lucky, you'll encounter a bobcat. You get off your bike, you fight it, and then you get back on your bike. You get to a hospital as quickly as possible because the bobcat won. And the other one I would take you on if it was a road bike was, I love to go over to the ocean and then down to the marina and then go south of the airport.

18:55And you just ride along the ocean and you can't believe you're alive. It's just a great feeling. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So. Okay, I'll give you a call when I'm in LA. No, seriously, do that. They all have my number. I'll take you on a ride. They all have my number? Yeah, does that please. All those espresso bars. This, trust me. Where you drink your coffee. This works when I'm out in public. People say I'll give you a call and I go, yep, they all have my number. So Sona, shut the fuck up. Anyway, no, of course everyone here knows how to contact me. everyone you dealt with for this call knows how to get in touch with me because that's something I insist upon is everyone in the chain has to have my personal phone number.

19:38You and I, I think it'd be great if we went riding. And here's the thing, when we do go riding, I'm going to look very different in person, okay? You're going to swear it's not me. I'm going to be short. My hair is going to be kind of dark. And I'm not going to answer the name Conan, but that's me, okay? The real incognito. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay. Rene, you seem like a good man. Yeah. And we wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And I bet you make an amazing bike. And maybe, maybe I'll contact you. Maybe we'll get a bike made. Cool. All right. Peace out, Tupac. Thank you so much, guys. Bye, Rene.

20:14Thanks, Rene. Bye, Rene. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

20:56This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.