Bley’s Fastballs Part I

0:02The Disney Plus Hulu HBO Max Bundle, the best in entertainment in one bundle. This month, stream Pixar's blockbuster family hit Hoppers on Disney Plus. The hit horror comedy Send Help on Hulu. And season three of the HBO original series House of the Dragon on HBO Max. Get the Disney Plus Hulu HBO Max Bundle today. All of these and more streaming soon. Available with Disney+. Hulu. Max Bundle plans starting at$19.99 a month. Terms apply. Visit DisneyPlusHuluMaxBundle.com for details.

0:42Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype? Yeah, like all the time. Yeah, I did that with an all-potato restaurant. Oh, no. Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sonia? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that, bull spend. Bull spend. Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend$250 and get a$250 credit. Go to linkedin.com slash Conan.

1:23Terms apply. Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Alright, we are fresh off a huge argument Yeah Here in the studio That was a brawl That was an all-out brawl Still smarts And I'll tell you what was going on. And part of me wishes that we were rolling on this, but I guess that's expensive. Is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating? I try to protect you at all times. Yeah, okay. We were thinking about, what are we gonna talk about in this segment?

2:11And I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me. Bley, you started, you pitched an idea and you're like, oh, you guys could talk about, and I said, yeah, I don't know. And then you went, okay, another idea. And then I said, well, I'm not. And then you said, hey, and a third one. And I said, hey, just slow your roll, man. You were like someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour. And I was getting hit by fastballs left and right. And I was like, calm down and let the creative process happen. And then and then I said to Sona, you said, well, I'm not going to say anything.

2:46And I said, well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea. Can we just clarify something? I mean, this is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode. Yeah. So we're trying to come up with - Yeah, but you know, and listen, we ran out of fans. We should just tell people right now. Worldwide, done. We're done. We talked to all 111 of our fans. That's right. Worldwide, some of them three times, then they would put on mustaches and different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we could. And then we officially talked to the last fan and we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that.

3:24Yeah. And we should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode. We were first pitching ideas and then it got into the talking about pitching. And then I have a quick question. What the fuck is a pitch machine? Yeah. Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine? Baseball batting cage. But then it's also like, it can be double because he's pitching things. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. It has a double meaning. That's cool. But you gave it more than he ever intended. No. I'm sorry. I think he tried to do that. T.S. Eliot thought about his words before he put them to the page. I mean, can we then talk about what Eduardo said?

3:55Well, just a second. There's a thing that I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writers' rooms and been in them all the time, you would get sometimes in a situation where one writer's like, hey, we could do bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. And it's a little like that small dog straining against the leash. well here it was a large dog with uh gray hair and a beard who was saying and we could do this we could do that we do that and i was just trying to say slow it down just a little bit um you are you're forcing all the groundwater out and we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill and that's uh i'm a master of analogies and that's good and so that's all i was trying to get to play and i respect your ideas and occasionally there's a good one, but I just thought you had to slow it down a bit.

4:47Okay. What was your third idea that we didn't, that I didn't hear? Do you want to discuss your first two? No, I don't want to hear the first one. He doesn't want to hear it. Those weren't good ideas. See, you see it as, let's let the groundwater fill up. I'm saying, I'm trying to throw kindling. Like I see, here's how I see it. Here's how I see it. I see it as - You said, here's how I see it, I think 10 times, but then you never I'm gonna say how you see it. Well, how I see it is. Cause you don't let him. Yeah. How I see it is, this room is full of creative, smart people. I don't see that. What are you looking at?

5:19Okay, well, let me, look. And we're a bunch of mouse traps. Well, I'm sorry, I don't have a mirror. Oh my God. Oh my God.

5:30That one I'll give you. Oh my God. Come on. Oh my God. He's got his laces on funny. Yeah. Oh my God. And he's dancing. It's awful. Listen, listen. And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mousetrap room. Yeah, but. And then something bounces off something and then something bounces off something and then you come up with something great. Yeah, but you could also, just to help me with this, pitch an idea, Blay, from now on. All right. And then count to 70. 70? And I mean 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about that? You come from the No Bad Ideas Brainstorming School and I appreciate that.

6:04Thank you. And I come from the Mostly Bad Ideas School. Because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it is. You come from the shut everybody down at any turn. Yeah. School. Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair. I'm ready for your apology now. See, shut me down. But what we had talked about right before we were rolling was Sona said, you know, I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes. Eduardo actually said that. Eduardo said that. And I agree with that. So much self-awareness. I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas.

6:34Listen to you right now. They're the same. No, listen to yourself right now, Blake. listen to the tone of your voice you lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a t-bone steak and you shout now Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz I would do him in a Mississippi Minute oh my god now we have our pitch you gotta stop telling the people here that work for you that you want to do them you have to stop doing it I'm not sure I do you do it to Eduardo Eduardo. Yeah. Why don't you go around the office and start telling people you don't want to do it? Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch.

7:10Heated Rivalry podcast, a podcast heated rivalry. I'm in. I'm in. I am in. I will pick the range on that. I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera? Right here? This is, this is Blay. Look at that. This is Blay right now. And if you can get our video, check it out. Blay grabs it and he looks at me and he says, Hey, here's an idea. Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of sensual charm. Eduardo says things quietly and he says them with a sense of self-respect.

7:53He says he has a sort of changing yourself. He says he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this. Whereas Blaze thing is, I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Blaze, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? I used to work at Kmart and I did do that. Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore. You also worked for Leechmear's, Sears, all those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s.

8:282000s. Blay worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet. You would have done so well at The Gap. I worked at The Gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that. And I was so uncomfortable. I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people. I would respond to that. You would? I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things. I like that. How much insurance have you bought? I have like 12 timeshares. He was enthusiastic. I had to. Blay, and I'm not putting you down. No, what?

9:05I don't think I've said, I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you. Blay, I'm not putting you down. I'm passionately insulting you. Do you agree that my body, my impersonation of Blay's body language and tone is not far off? Do you agree? I feel like it's a mean version of that yeah yeah yeah that's okay no I'm Obama I'm on team Bley here and you know what you do which is something you do all the time is you can go crazy and then when you're talking about Eduardo you kind of take on Eduardo's like you start talking more calmly which is not how you talk which is not how you talk you're more like Bley you're not that guy you're more like that guy you're not that guy you're that guy Sona your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hating.

9:54And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress. You're spectacular. Come on, come on. He's just got that. And guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me. That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am. And you know what? I'd like to put on a sweatshirt you gave me, Blay. but there isn't one. I see what's going on here. It's all about bribery. I get it. I get it. So I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to get you a couple sweatshirts. You do grab, you're not helping. Oh, okay. You do grab it.

10:31Did you say, you just grabbed the mic and you swiveled it around to you and guess what? It's not even a swivel mic. You bent the iron bar and you pulled it around to you but you grab it. Well, Eduardo and I have to share a mic and it's very, you know. Why are you shouting? Seriously. This poor guy.

10:58Well, Father's Day is coming up. Hint, hint. June 21st. Wow. We're not your children. What? My children are not getting me anything, so it's up to you guys to get me Father's Day. They have never bought into Father's Day, but you guys are going to. You're my employees and you have to. Well, guess what? But luckily, Macy's has a wide range of options, the expertise to help you find the perfect gift. Macy's is the answer for Father's Day. David, as my sort of surrogate son, the son that I hired to buy me things, I hope that you're prepared for this Father's Day, and I hope you've consulted Macy's.

11:41Oh, I sure I have done both of those things. First. Oh, there you go. You love a pun. We got you a shirt that says The Grill Father. I love that shirt because you know what? I love the Godfather movies and I love grilling and they've combined them with the grill father. And are you ready to combine it even more? Let's see the next gift. Ooh. A ninja indoor grill. Guess what? I think that looks really good. It does. So happy Father's Day from us and Macy's. You know what? I want to say thank you. Those are cool gifts. I love it. Thank you, Macy's. Macy's makes it easy to take something your dad already loves, make it feel new again.

12:13Same vibe, better version. and the kind of gift he'll actually use and appreciate no matter what kind of dad he is. Check out Macy's online gift guide for more ideas at macy's.com slash gift guide. This episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend is brought to you by six all new McCafe drinks at McDonald's. You're a McDonald's lover, Sona. I know that. Love my Mickey D's, boo. Many times you'd buy, you and I would be in the car together and you would say, let's hit McDonald's. I'm talking six new all-McCafe drinks. Did you know that? Six. Crafted sodas made with your favorite sodas and topped with velvety cold foam like a Sprite Berry Blast made with Sprite and blue raspberry syrup.

12:55Don't miss the dirty Dr. Pepper and Orange Dream 2. And there are refreshers made with fruit flavors and add-ins like popping boba and freeze-dried dragon fruit. Try the Blackberry Passion Fruit Refresher, Mango Pineapple Refresher, or the strawberry watermelon refresher with freeze-dried strawberries. Man, McDonald's is off the charts. Yeah, baby. There you go. Try the all-new McCafe drinks now at McDonald's or as Sona calls it, make a taste.

13:31Big news, Sona. Yeah? Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation? No way. Yep, they're making it easier to stay connected so you're free to wander. Well, that's really cool. And I love a national park. I really do. I do too. Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that, good signal. It's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah. So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff and suddenly you don't have it because of a bad signal.

14:04That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon. Oh, okay. Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again, you know? So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow. That's some sentence. T-satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Service may be limited or unavailable, included with experience beyond or$10 per month. Auto renews, cancel anytime. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand.

14:45Disclaimer, please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon.

14:53FX is the Bear, the Emmy award-winning series returns for its final season. With no money, the threat of a sale, and a torrential storm in their way, the team bands together to achieve one last service. Can they finally earn that coveted Michelin star? FX is the Bear. The final season premieres June 25th on FX. All episodes streaming on Hulu.

15:21Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the maestro. Does Blaze shout? Does he, is he, can he be a little loud? I mean, that's, it's not a question, of course. Of course he shouts. I mean, there's empirical evidence. We have actual media answer. Yes, it's a fact. He can meet us. We're not saying he doesn't shout. Eduardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery when Blay grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus? I do have to ride Blay's levels constantly. That is technical proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much.

16:00Not as much as Blay's. Not as much. You know what? Blay is consistently loud. What's the spectrum of level riding here? Hey, Blay, you're consistent. All right. Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level riding here in this room? Like, Blay's at one end. Well, it's probably Conan who I'm riding, because you can get very quiet. When I have a great idea. Yes. And that happens a lot. You're dynamic. When I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder to really knock it out of the park. And it might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved. Possibly. Or it could be our ads. I don't know.

16:43Take your pick. but yes I know that I I you know I'm painting I'm painting a picture and I'm using a wide range of colors on the palette yes meanwhile Blaze like I said consistently at a high level yeah you are you know what you would have been great as if you could time travel an air raid warden in World War II in the Blitz you know what I mean you would people would immediately know we've got to get out of here or a town crier yeah yeah well no because no one would get to sleep Oh. Town Crier had to ride the levels too. So this is a complicated conversation and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic.

17:25Do we fight? Yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win because I am Stalin? Yes, I do. So moving forward. Look at that. Thank you. Could you give me some tips? Because I want to learn. I want to learn. Keep it down. You're going up again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I heard it too. I want to learn and be better. Are there, what are the top three things? I could just write them down. I have a little post-it note here. And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note. What should be on the post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better? What are some tips?

17:59Well, oh my God, that's a big sign. V-E-D-W-A-D-O. That was a big... Be Eduardo. Be Eduardo. You should be asking Eduardo, not Conan. Okay, touche. Be Eduardo. Eduardo, what are some things I could do to be better and not as annoying? Take a deep breath. Oh. That's good. Seriously. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe or they get breathe tattooed on their hand. Okay. I think you push a lot of air out. And look, I'll admit, am I that different? No. uh is there some thought that goes into it probably but you're constantly pushing out and i think you do need to take a breath okay and you and and there is a there can be a people can miss uh perceive that there's a uh desperation involved oh which i don't think there is you're not desperate you've you've been employed by me for how many years and since 2001 so that's 25 years that's good math just take the current year and take one away that's how i did it um so So you - You're awful.

19:04I just listened to what I said. Here's a true story. I just listened to that come out of my head and part of my brain went, you're a dick. Yeah, but then you smiled. Yeah. You took it as a compliment. You took your whole insult as a compliment. Oh wait, that part of my brain is high-fiving the other part of my brain. Oh my God. Wait, this is crazy. Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other. That's so crazy. I don't think that's ever happened. If I was in it. You just did those avatar tail fuck. Yeah. And they would just. No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go, form two gloved hands.

19:46Like Mickey Mouse, four fingered gloved hands and go, good one. So anyway. Oh my God. Yeah, I just think that's a really good, is take a breath. All right. This isn't gonna last, you know that. You're gonna go have. You're gonna have like a giant glass of Yoo-Hoo, get a sugar high and start yelling again. Well, let's test it out. Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea. But do Eduardo stuff. And wipe all the sweat off your face. I'm really sorry. Well, Eduardo's not sweaty. You look like you just talked a 740, a passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely.

20:25And you're like, Okay, let's go. Here we go. Okay. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Blay. Hi, Blay. You want button up one? Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me wipe all this beardruff off. I got a... You don't say beardruff. Button up? Yeah, yeah, button up. I'm doing what Eduardo says. Too loose. Hey, you know what I love? He is the sensei now. That's true. Eduardo is your sensei. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce... Let go of that one. Wait, not the top button? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button off. Why don't you do both buttons? There you go.

20:59Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new 2026 Blay. Hi, Blay. How are you? I'm doing great. Good. Thanks. That's very good. Thank you. Not an asthma breath. Rear the off mic. Oh, yeah. Just a breath. I'm doing great. Thank you. You doing all right? Yes. Thank you for having me. And do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future? Yes, I do have a thought. recently you were reported as Now you just seem depressed. I hate to be chill. I can't do this. You're very depressed now. Okay. I feel like Hey, you know what? I loved you in Hamnet. You were great.

21:41Lean back, not into the mic. Well, the mic doesn't go that far back. The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth. That's so unnatural. I had an idea. Oh my God. That was too loud. Now you're too loud. I don't know. Just try. Okay, I had an idea, which was, you said you're not looking for any more, after, if I had legs, I would kick you. You weren't looking for any more dramatic roles. I thought it'd be fun to come up with this segment where you are like Daniel Day-Lewis, you're in retirement. What kind of roles you would come back to, back to acting for? Oh, okay. Well, I think that's a fine pitch.

22:17Yeah. I really do. Yeah, he came back to acting. He's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy. You cannot be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge. When I saw Blay leaning back, I was like, oh, this is actually - No, no, we should get duct tape - I'm soaking wet with sweat. We should let the seat cradle you. Stop talking about your sweat in your beard rub. All right. We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair. That's my idea. Okay, I think that's fine. And just to bring people up to date, I'm a small part of a movie, a fine part of it.

22:54Yeah, pretty big part. Pretty good part, yeah. Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing, directing of Mary Bronstein. Yeah, and the performance. And the performance of A Lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something because I adore her. So, yeah, I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well. And there's been some question, would I do another movie role? And I say, that's a good idea, Blay. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice, calm tone if they have any ideas of the kind of role I should play.

23:34And I mean, serious pitches, not you're a rooster, you're a woody woodpecker, that kind of stuff. Hey, I have an idea because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do a two-parter to this episode? I love it. I love it. So next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled. By this time, Blay, he's just rolling in trim because he's so cool and collecting. Rolling in trim? You mean Gash? Uh-huh. You mean that sweet sliz? I'm talking about some serious trench. Jesus. Oh, my God. I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute. Are we off PBS now? Do you want to apologize to Blay?

24:12You made him sweat a lot. No, I don't think I did. Oh. I was. He's crying. He's really - I'm so wet. You made him very vulnerable. I'm really wet. This entire - You know what this was? I was a very, very good, tough, but effective therapist. And I think I made a big change in Blay's life. Thank you. And I hope a big change in my life. You're saying thank you to him? Yeah. I helped him. You really feel like you think he helped you? Yeah. Hey, Sona, if I didn't care about Blay, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him. There we go. Oh my God. Okay, let's wrap this up. Yeah. And next week, let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken play had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie role.