Bley’s Fastballs Part II

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1:27Fall is here Hear the yell Back to school Ring the bell Brand new shoes Walking blues Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends All right, it's time for part two of what we discussed last week. It started as a massive argument. It was very intense. We were all shouting and screaming at each other. But it led to Blay reforming his ways, becoming quieter, more soft-spoken, more thoughtful. Out of that new persona came a decent pitch. He said, hey, Blay, why don't you repeat it? My pitch, what? Oh, man. He's still learning. No, he's doing it.

2:12I'm taking the— Don't listen to her. Last week, you guys said I should lean back, and I should be softer and not grip the mic. And so I'm going to do that. I hate this. No, I like it. my pitch last week was you had said you were in the movie if I had legs I'd kick you as a dramatic role and you had said you're not looking for any more dramatic roles so my pitch was like Daniel Day-Lewis coming out of retirement what kind of role would you come out of retirement for to what new it is not oh you know what it's okay you know what this is a new persona and those take time to get used to what role would you what dramatic role would you do next if you were to - We got it.

2:53We got it. You could have ended the sentence there. Look what you guys did. But I did it softly, right? Look what you did to my boy. Yes, yes. I did it softly. You know what? I like it when you're inarticulate quietly. Okay. I'm just saying I did do it softly. Yeah, yeah. And I leaned back. Okay, good. Very good. We're done with that. Okay, sorry. Let's get on to the idea itself. Here's the idea. The idea involves me and I think it's worthy of discussion. um well famously daniel day lewis has retired i think several times from acting and when he and when he does he doesn't uh just you know mow the lawn uh he's very interested in i think making shoes he's a cobbler and i've actually driven through the town in ireland where he lives and he makes shoes.

3:41So if you can imagine, and he makes them the old fashioned way. And that's what's fascinating to me is that this, maybe our greatest actor in the world makes shoes when he chooses not to act. So let's have everyone imagine that I completed my role in If I Had Legs, I'd kick you. And, uh, I've retired to my small village and I make, uh, late 19th century prosthetics for people who've lost their feet in a mining accident. And that's just my hobby. And so people come in and they say, I lost my foot. And I say, ah, sit there and have some cider. And then I, I do various measurements and then I, while they wait, while they wait.

4:23And I say, and you know what they, while they're waiting, they have to live off only cider. And then I go into the woods with like a 19th century saw and I pick out the best old tree I can find. And I fell off a giant tree, a massive beautiful tree that's been around for a thousand years. And then I take one tiny piece of it. For a finger. For a toe that was lost by this guy. And then I go back and while he's dying now, cause it's been a while, I had to go to a tree in the Pacific Northwest and he's in Jersey, but I will, I will craft that. And that's what I do. But then one of my fans has a great idea for a role I should play.

5:05And it pulls me away from my, my craft. And I come back to the world of acting and people are just as excited as when Daniel Day Lewis reenters. Just as excited. This is an alternate universe where that would be possible. Gotcha. Yeah. So I guess. Or you can fell a tree.

5:25Listen, I've read a lot of books, Sona. I've read a lot of books about manual labor. Okay. I've just finished a book called Exertion. And so I'm quite certain that when the time comes for me to do something with my hands or body, I will know how to do it. Long hours in the libraries. so that's what we're talking about I guess is what role would I do and I guess we're going to turn this out to the fans right? Well we can do that but we can discuss it amongst ourselves No we'll discuss it first amongst ourselves and then maybe it will end with a challenge to the fans tell me what role I should play Yeah maybe there'll be some good ideas we can discuss at a further time but the one staring us right in the face is that Pippi Pippi Longstocking Me play Pippi Longstocking?

6:16Is that what you were going to say? No, but that's pretty good. Pippi Longstocking is, well, okay. Pippi, refresh my memory because I'm sure you're going to know about Pippi. Well, we've talked about Pippi an inordinate amount of times on this podcast for some reason. Well, we have. There are certain topics that naturally draw humans to conversation. Do you know that we talked about it so much so that they did a documentary on her in Sweden and they reached out to me because of this podcast and I'm on that documentary talking about my experience with Pippi. That warms my heart. Well, Sweden, we're thinking of you and thanks for the work.

6:52Yeah, I mean, me to play is Pippi. How old is Pippi? Is Pippi in her 20s? No. Teens? No, I mean. She's a kid. Yeah, she's like 12 or 13 maybe. Oh, she's 12 or 13? I thought she was super strong. She is. Do they ever explain why she is so strong? I don't think they do. It's not like it's the, she's far from the red sun. No, that's Superman. Yeah, okay. No, she's just got magical kind of strength. that's just like wonderful, youthful. Wow, what a great origin story. Hey, this is who I am. Quit asking. I could be wrong. I don't know. How did Green Lantern? Hey, this is what I do. Leave me alone. My experience with Pippi is only the dubbed American versions of the Swedish movies, so I don't even know.

7:31Well, anyway, no, it's not going to be Pippi because I don't think I can play an 11-year-old girl. The one I was thinking of is this year specifically, they have to cast a new James Bond, you know. I'm not suggesting that I'm just saying let's take it off the table Well, are they looking at long in the tooth Irishman who've lived in America for a couple hundred years I guess Pierce Brosnan's a long in the tooth Irishman they could just go back to home Can you be suave and British? Oh, come on Do you even do a British accent? I've never heard you do a British accent Well, first of all, does he have to be British?

8:10Distinctively so, yeah I mean, that's the one thing he has to be. Look, they know that they're going to make changes. You know, Bond has to change with the times, right? So I'm thinking of a Bond who's from just outside Boston in Brookline, Massachusetts. You're not far off. You know, they considered Burt Reynolds. They screen tested James Brolin. Is that true? They considered Adam West at one time too. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, they dodged some bullets there, probably. I know, I know. I mean, and I love those guys. I love everyone you just mentioned, but yes, it has to be British. has to be British no there's no way I could be James Bond because yes I have I think I have the suave sophistication and I think I have the temperament I think my fight scenes would be quite unusual and I love that my Bond would be a Bond who anytime he has to use the gadget calls Sona and asks Sona how to use the gadget where's his cue yeah but in real time I'm fighting the Russian agent and I call you to figure out how to use the thing in my watch that turns it into a Garrett so I can strangle him.

9:18And you have to walk me through it while I download the app. I don't pick up. And then - I call David. And then you call David. David doesn't pick up. Then you start doing all bits on our voicemail and then you die. Yeah. Yeah, this isn't a - It's going to be the shortest James Bond movie. Sounds good. Yeah, but then the end of the movie is just playing all the bits that I did on the phone. You mean like Cannonball Run blooper style over the credits? Just bits, bits, bits. And people say like, the movie's terrible, but stick around for the credit bed because those bits with Sona and David are okay.

9:56All right. So let's take Bond and Pippi off the table as much as we don't want to. Yeah. My question was if there was a biopic you would do. Oh, right. And then I thought like, oh, but then you'd want to be like Lyndon Johnson. I'm a slenderman. Treasury secretary. I'm a slenderman. Yeah. No, I mean, that's a really good question. I don't know what historical figure I'm most like. I'm the exact height of Lincoln. Speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis, though, would you be ready to come on the heels of that recent film and try to one-up it? I have problems with his Lincoln. Oh, wow. I do, and he's a great, and I thought he nailed it in a lot of ways, but I didn't see him ever look to Cameron and like make faces or anything.

10:40I didn't see him once. That's what you would bring to the role. I would step, yeah. And I would do a lot of, I'd do a lot of breaking the fourth wall. This is your camera. Let's see a little Lincoln. Well, I guess I got to go to the theater. Oh, it might not be a good idea if you know what I mean. Oh, what? You know? Do you know what I mean? Oh my God. Wait, Lincoln knows what's gonna happen? Yeah, he knows, but he thinks it's all kind of fun. you know and um god yeah you know uh yeah he's like go to the theater i could get shot well it's our american cousin um it's pretty funny maybe worth it all right you know he he's he knows what's happening he's kind of i'll be sitting in case anyone's curious yeah yeah but i mean i think uh there are many similarities between lincoln and i i think we're both kind kind of tall, rangy, sharp cheekboned guys that just stepped out of the prairie and gave a new hope of freedom to America.

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15:18Oh, one idea is, you know, they get the opposites. They get two guys who are completely unlike each other to be in a cop movie. Yeah. And I've often thought, what if me and Oliphant were in a movie? This is good. And it's a cop movie. And, you know, he's Tim Oliphant. So he's incredibly cool. Yeah. And he knows what he's doing. And then I'm the guy who, let's face it, shouldn't be there. So it's that kind of thing. What do we think? I like this. I actually, I really like that idea. Yeah. Just so Oliphant can come in here and like pitch, not pitch the movie, but like promote the movie and stuff.

16:03There's another excuse to have him come back. Two cops. Couldn't it be that he's a cop and you're like an insurance adjuster that he has to, almost midnight run style, has to get you somewhere. How about this? closer to reality. He's a cop. And I know this has been done a million times as the actor who has to sit, go on some ride alongs with him. That's been done a lot. No, but not for a movie, has it? Yeah, it has. Yeah, I think 55 times. But anyway, that is not the way we go. I'm a podcaster. We take it home to what we actually do. It's closer to home. Yeah, this is good. So I'm a podcaster.

16:40Or a former late night host. but I think podcaster puts us more in the zeitgeist. So are you doing a true crime podcast where you've got to ride along with this guy because the case is about him? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm a real, yeah, exactly. It's a did he or didn't he? So there's a level of threat. But also I'm always, I've got my equipment, my podcast equipment. Yeah. And so there's that comedy. There's me constantly bothering him. Oh, I'm thinking right now, Only Murders in the Building is about podcasting. That's okay. there's everything's about podcasting now sadly okay yeah that does that bumps me out and i even i know those guys and some say i really inspire them um i think i'm uh sounds like they're inspiring you right now yeah yeah i don't know if i'm a podcaster then i don't know what about a journalist boring okay boring okay um yeah i'm a contest winner i don't know there's got to be a reason why a guy like me is riding around with tim holofent who's a really good detective or cop but we'll figure that out i know but he he has been accused of maybe some going over the line he's a bit of a loose cannon he's a he's a quiet kind of cool loose cannon and you're the ia internal affairs guy that has to follow him around to see if he's actually going too far you get loose cannon though from i get well when he's in here definitely oh yeah yeah that's true i don't mean loose cannon that he's crazy, but like Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon, like he could crack or he could go too far and be a vigilante, you know, like he could administer his own justice and you have to figure this out.

18:15I'm just not sensing it. I don't think you have it. I don't think, and this is - Okay, but I just want to say that pitch was what we're trying to get Bley to do, right? That kind of style, you know? What do you mean? Just, yeah. Just how it was delivered. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was very chill. Your pitch style was terrific. Okay, thank you. Your pitch style was terrific. The pitch itself was,

18:36I don't think it's quite right. Yes, Ablay? I have a quiet pitch, which is going off your idea. There is a hostage situation and you're the hostage negotiator brought in, but it's your first day. Okay. I'm just trying to think of something that jumps out at studio executives. And by the way, studio executives today who are on the ropes, what's working? Nothing's working. And you come in, it's gotta be something that makes their minds explode. Now, first of all, you say you've got Tim Olyphant. They're interested. then you say Conan O 'Brien's involved too they're they're very excited you know very excited more so than Timothy Olyphant is that what you said is that what you're saying and listen no offense to Tim Olyphant and Tim's a good friend of mine yeah but yeah yeah oh more excited okay alright I was gonna say with your hostage one I'd rather the hostage be a woman so that they can do it like the whole thing is how do we get Tim Olyphant naked woman is gonna have sex with her captor That's the biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever Can I just say No one who goes to a Conan O 'Brien movie Expects or wants to see sex So this is for the rare moviegoer Who hates the idea of sex And never wants to see it Hear me out You're not in You're an extra So you're like only show up for a second And then the rest of it is like People doing it with each other And then he's eventually cut out anyway I think studio executives Who are on the ropes right now are looking to maybe make the next heated rivalry.

20:07And so maybe it's a Conan, Timothy Oliphant. And you guys have a little romance. You know what? So he's some kind of athlete, cause he can pull that off. And I'm a guy who was an athlete, but then fell into a vat of chemicals. Like the Joker. And it turned my hair red and made me all stretchy and pale and long. Okay, this is good. Yeah, and so, but we, when I used to be an athlete, we would pal around. and so but now um we're together and what are we doing together because he he he feels badly for me and i'm i'm comic relief i'm hanging around uh i don't think he could be a current day athlete so he's a retired athlete right because i think i'm looking at up right now i was saying that they do it i was saying that even if it was the cop and negotiator situation you guys are you guys are finding a way to do it.

20:59So it's me and Tim, hold on, it's me and Tim getting it on because we're in love with each other. Did I also fall into a vat of chemicals? Yes. That's in every one of these pictures. That's a given. Yeah. I mean, I, that's for sure. Let's just say the way people buy me in a movie is if I fell into a vat of chemicals. That's, that's crucial. What about this? That's the, he's a veteran gigolo and you're a gigolo in training. Oh. Okay. Who fell into a vat of chemicals. For sure. This goes without saying. Okay. This was every pitch we talk about from here on out. He's the veteran and he's training him.

21:32Well, he for some reason wants to create like late stage career change. No, no, this is what happened. This is what happened.

21:41Tim is a roommate. I'm a podcaster, former late night host who lives with Tim Olyphant. That's not his name. His name's Chet Chasnick. And Chet, this we'll work this out we'll we'll figure this out but but chet is a gigolo okay okay and then um uh i've always been a little jealous of that then i fall into chemicals there's obviously the podcast bubble bursts you're dying and you just want to have a sexcapade and so you're like show me the ways okay i didn't realize okay well there's dying i was gonna say i fall into chemicals I'm in the hospital and they're doing rehab on me. And they say, you need to find a new hobby.

22:24And I say, well, my roommate is a gigolo, but I know so little about it. I call it gigolo. That's how little I know about it. And you pay the women to do you. Yes. Just a John. And it's, yeah. Yeah. And Tim is really, Tim is like, what? And he gets arrested for soliciting prostitution. And the movie ends. Yeah. No, and because - And then he falls in another vat of chemicals. Wait, the police go to arrest me. I'm totally confused because I think what I'm doing, first of all, I know that I'm doing something wrong because I'm losing a ton of money as a gigolo or as I call it, gigolo. And then the police come to arrest me.

23:09I run away. And while they're chasing me, I fall into more chemicals. Yes, and the movie's called Gust-a-Gigolo. I'm Gust-a-Gigolo. Everywhere I Joe Okay I gotta You know I gotta go It checks out It checks out If you do the math You know what It checks out Roll the tape back If you have a piece of paper Roll the tape back And you've just written rap And you're showing it to me I guess it checks out In the weird In the weird Look I guess it all checks out It checks out It checks out It checks out That reminds me of bad My least favorite thing about improv Is when Is when you go see improv And the people on stage are like Well I'm in a chocolate factory I make blenders.

23:47Wait, what? No, you don't. I'm your father. My father's dead. And they just look at the audience and the director walks out and goes, ha ha ha, and scene. Like they nailed it. That's what you do when you hold up this rap at that point. I disagree. Nicely done. Okay. Let's put it out to the fans. If you think of a really good movie I could be in, and I'm going to even say it could be an existing franchise where I would slot in nicely. and I'm serious. Like I'm not looking to do more. I think, and cinema isn't asking me to do more, but should the right idea come, I might do it. So hard open, yeah.

24:28And so let's hear your ideas, fans. Okay, great. To be continued. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.

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