Blueberry Jam

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, Okay, let's get started. Hey Logan, meet Conan and Sona. Hey Conan. Hey Logan, how are you? I can't hear you. Oh, we can't hear you, Logan. Oh, how about now? Logan, are you there? Ah, I'm here. Oh good, there you are, Logan. I can hear you. Now I wanna, before we even begin, find out whose fault that was. Oh my God. Would the fault be on our end? I think it was on our end. Now what happened there, Eduardo? I was trying to talk to Logan, who seems like a wonderful fan. And what happened? You didn't turn, you only have two buttons you're using.

0:38There must have been some interference and the connection, the satellites. The satellites. That was smart because he won't know if you're not saying the right thing. No, I can tell I'm being bullshitted. Logan, let's make it about you and not about my sound engineer who made a terrible mistake. Logan, where are you right now? I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Okay, very cool. And are you a native of Tulsa? I am not a native of Tulsa, but I grew up in Stillwater, Oklahoma, which is about an hour and a half away. All right, okay. So you didn't have to go that far. You went to, you're in Tulsa now.

1:14And what is it you do, sir? I am a urologist. Oh, okay. We have a lot to talk about. Oh yeah. We really do. I was never that interested in urology. And then as one gets on in years, one starts to think, maybe I'll need a urologist in my future. Everything's fine now, but you never know. tell me what I should be concerned about as a urologist. I've just come in to talk to you. Talk to me, Logan. What do you need to know? Well, you know, first you probably should tell me what your symptoms are. Because when patients come in to see me, they usually don't, you know, ask me to tell them what the problem is.

1:56They usually come in with a problem. Very good. Thank you. I see that you, okay, you're practicing a very strange kind of medicine, but yeah. I always, All my doctors are improvisers. And so I come in and go, hi doc, what's up? And then they say, you have a lump on your bottom. And they haven't even looked at me yet. Logan, whenever I urinate, a blueberry jam comes out. Oh my God. But I mean, it's not. Sorry Conan, that's normal. Actually, but it's an actual sellable blueberry jam. Oh really? Is that the one you bring into the office all the time? Yeah, people love it. Oh Conan. Christmas is coming up.

2:33Christmas is coming up and I'm making jam. Logan, tell me, let's get serious here for a second and then devolve into more foolishness. Tell me about being a urologist. What kind of things do you work on? What are your specialties? What are your treatments that you're usually doing? Yeah, so I'm a reconstructive urologist. I did a fellowship. And so I do a lot of surgery for urethral stricture disease, for example, in men, which is where scar tissue builds up inside the urethra and it becomes very difficult or impossible to urinate. Wow. Can I break in with a quick question? I have many questions.

3:14I do too. I'm a curious person. Why would there be scar tissue in the urethra? What would one have to have been... I mean, I understand an athlete getting scar tissue on their knees because they're using their knees all the time in their athletic pursuits. But why? Why would I have scar tissue in my urethra? So that's a good question. So I'd say the most common thing is some sort of a straddle injury. You know, you kind of land between the legs. Oh, like? Like falling on a bicycle seat or something. I mean, a lot of times it might be something nobody even really noticed had happened. Or maybe it was just a minor injury.

3:52But over time, the scar tissue develops. Developed, yeah. The urethra kind of gets crushed under the pubic bone. Mine does, for sure. I have a question. Well, first of all, I'm not done yet because I have one follow-up to this, which is, Logan, I often, I like to, cycling, I like bicycling, getting on a bicycle and taking long rides. And I have this habit of, rather than, my bedroom's on the second floor and the bike is in the garage on the first floor, a lot of time to save time, I just leave the bike out, side the second floor window, and I say to my wife, I'm gonna go biking now, and I leap off the second floor window onto the hard bike saddle.

4:29It's very painful, and I've been doing it for about 25 years every day. Am I a candidate for urethral stricture? I would say yes. How's your flow, Conan? What's that? I told you it's a blueberry jam. And it's once a year. There's no other peeing. Now I'm gonna throw it over to Sona, who I'm sure has a real question. Go ahead, Sona. It is a very important question. If the peepee can't come out, what happens to the peepee? Is it just there? Is it in your bladder forever? Where does the peepee go? Can we call it, we can call it, we're all adults here. Excuse me, Logan. We're all adults here and I think we can call it wee wee.

5:10You know, we're men of science, Logan and I. And what's it called the wee wee? Where does the wee wee go? So the wee wee stays in the bladder or it can reflux up to the kidneys. It can actually cause renal failure if it goes on too long. Not so funny now, are you, Sona? No, you said the wee wee thing. You did the wee wee. But. So that's bad. I would imagine that you need to treat that very quickly because as we all know that you want to keep your kidneys healthy. You know, bladder, to hell with the bladder. You can always get another one, but. What? They could just get a, put a balloon in there or something.

5:51I'm guessing a bladder, I mean, kidney does such complicated stuff. Yeah. But I'm just thinking a bladder, or you could go to Firestone Tires and get some kind of, is that right? It's easy to replace, you can have a fake bladder, can't you, Logan? That's actually not correct. I'm sorry. What? Logan. Yeah, you can't just go down to the hardware store and pick up another bladder. Well, I think, you know what I think? I think, Logan, you tell people that because you want them to pay the big money. Your big fear is that this is an easily solvable problem and they don't need to go to Logan and lay out their hard-earned cash.

6:27So you're creating this fear. There was a guy what? Well, there was a guy that experimented with this sort of like 3D printing model, almost type of regenerative bladder kind of surgery where they would kind of put these cells onto this mold and try to grow a bladder. And he did, I think, perform that surgery and reported the results, but it couldn't be really verified by others. The results didn't seem to hold up when other people - Yeah, whenever someone says, I did something amazing and they say, do you mind if we look at the results? And they say, I'll be right back. I need to go to Argentina and never return.

7:09I mean, this person is amazing, by the way. I don't want to - Run them down? He was a genius, but still. I mean, it was a - Was a genius? For sure. So he passed on. He's a genius. No, he's still alive. Okay, all right. Okay, then I can find him and have him arrested. So you do that kind of, what kind of, so it's reconstruction, you don't do, and I'm asking for a friend, but you don't do cosmetic penile enhancement in any way, do you? No, I don't. Right, okay. And who would do that? Who would do that? There is such a thing as Peyronie's disease, which is a condition where the erection becomes curved and it's a result of scar tissue that builds up inside the penis.

7:59So we do surgery to correct that or we do injections to correct that, but it's for a functional issue. Right, it's not, it's not. Yes, difficulty. It's not necessarily cosmetic. No, it's a practical, if something is really curving crazily, one cannot have Congress with one's partner. That makes sense to me. Although I'd kill for a curve, you know? I think it just - What? Well add some, I'm saying - Why? Because after a certain period of time, you want to spice things up in the bedroom. And what would spice it up more than check this out? It starts out straight and then it's headed right. People have surgeries to correct it and you want it?

8:46I want to go to Logan and have him to give me a curve. Oh, can you give people curves? I mean, I've never done that before. Well, you know what? There's always a first time. But I suppose I could. Can it curve? I want it to curve and then go up. I want it to do like, not just a curve, but a curve. You want it like a swirl? Yes, I want it, yes, yes. Like a big tail? And you know what? If you do this and it's a success, they'll call it the Logan Swirl. And all the celebrities, all celebrities will be lying. Yes, I want it to look like my pompadour. You want it to match your hair. I want it to match my pompadour.

9:18Oh. Yeah, and then when I'm in a bar and I see a lady, I say, you like what's going on up top? Well, guess what? It's also going on down south of the border! Jesus Christ, come on. And then the doctors come and take me away.

9:40You know what, I feel terrible, Logan, because this is a serious craft. after you're really helping people, how do you help women? What kind of work do you do on female patients? So I treat incontinence, bladder leakage issues, prolapse, vaginal prolapse. So like pelvic floor reconstruction and that kind of thing. Right, right. That's not as fun as wee wee and pee pee. You know what, I'm gonna say this, men's genitalia is just funnier. It is. Like when you talk about women, I'm like, oh yeah, oh boy, okay, well I hope they get better. when you talk about a man, I'm just laughing. Yeah. It's just funny.

10:17You were talking about wanting a curved penis. A swirl penis. I want the Logan swirl. You can't do a swirl vagina. Well, that's up to Logan. Can you swirl? No, what are you swirling? I don't know if you could swirl a vagina. I don't know if that's possible. Logan, I'm getting a word right. We're a real thought into it though. Logan. You're stupid. Logan, they just took away your medical license. Just because you said, I'm not sure you can swirl a vagina. They're taking it away. They emailed you about Logan's medical license. I just got this from the New England Journal of Medicine. Oh, wow. It's a big article.

10:50It's front page. I will agree that most of the good stories come from the male side as far as the things you see on call, things that come into the ER and that kind of thing. Well, our reproductive organs are outside our bodies, and they're ridiculous looking. Yeah. I mean, and I'm just going on my own. but it's an absurdity. They hang outside the body, they're very vulnerable. And so guys are constantly getting into, I mean what rom-com have you seen in the last 10 years that doesn't include a quick scene of someone getting hit by a tennis ball on the balls? Yeah. And then they cut to a dog going, oh!

11:31Or they stick them in places. Stick, what do you mean? Boys like to stick them in things. Not all boys. Like they like to stick things, they like to stick their things in, their peepees in the like holes, in all the like weird holes. You mean, I mean not holes they should be in. Yes. You know what? I told you that in confidence. That was two friends talking and I was asking you, do you think I'm gonna get in trouble? Because the light socket was at work. No! Yeah, it was. And everyone thought a fuse must have blown and then I came in and my hair was going straight up and I went, what happened?

12:09Everyone okay? Oh, Jesus Christ. There was a small fire in my pants. Logan, listen, we have taken, you are a man of science, you are a man who's helping people, and look what we've done. And I'm gonna say mostly this is on Sona. What? But - Why? Just go with it. Okay. But you, I admire you. You're obviously got a great sense of humor, but I appreciate that you're doing this good work. What's it like when you're operating? What's the mood in the operating room? Is it super tense? No, I wouldn't say so. I mean, it can be at times, but most of the time it's not. We do like to, we actually listen to music in the operating room.

12:54And what I like to do is, I'll say, all right, somebody pick a decade and someone pick a genre, and we'll do a playlist of those two things. So like 70s Dance Party is one of our favorite ones. Oh, that's fun. It keeps things moving. You know, it's like disco music. It's kind of like - Sure, you're scraping out a man's urethra and you want to hear some soul-trained classics. What if you dance too much and you cut it off? Oh, well, we don't dance in there. I mean, we're operating. But your head's bopping a little bit. It's good to have a little something, you know, in the background. Right, right.

13:31I can see that. Would you ever listen to this podcast while you're doing urethral stricture surgery? I mean, you know, podcasts don't really translate very well. Ours does. Because you've got to pay attention. No, you don't really have to pay attention to this one. I'm focusing on what I'm doing. Yeah. Okay, well, I highly recommend that you and the other... What's the short term... What do you guys call other urologists? You must have a quick way of saying it. Are you Uries? What are you? Uries? Well, sometimes we're the stream team. Stream team. Nice. I love the stream team. I love that, I'm writing that down.

14:09We're gonna get you a stream team t-shirt. Wow, I'm learning a lot. I am too, I am too. So you don't do cosmetic stuff? Okay, Conan. No. But who does? No cosmetic, I'm sorry Conan. But who does? You know, that's a good question. And I'm gonna listen, this is not a, I'm gonna be honest with you, this is not a size issue, because everything's A-okay there. This is more of a, things over time I'm just starting to look like they need some rehab. You know what I mean? What? My penis looks like it went six rounds with the champ. A face lift kind of situation. And... Oh, what the fuck? Oh, I do know, this is a true story, true story.

14:47I do know, I won't name names, but I do know this is, a woman had sex with a pretty well-known rock star who's famous for getting around. And afterwards she said, oh my God, his penis looked like it had been through World War III. And I was wondering, what does that mean? Was it smoldering? Did it have, you know what I mean? Was there rubble? Was there crushed concrete? What does that mean? It looked like it had been through World War III. Did it have a limp?

15:21Eye patch, I mean the whole thing. It's suddenly a pirate. Yeah. Oh, I've been on the seas many times. Oh my God. Well, anyway, Logan, I can talk to you privately about cosmetics. I'm sure you know some people in that business. And look, I live in Los Angeles. I'm sure they're everywhere. Sorry, Logan, do you have a, I'm sorry. I was just gonna jump, see if you have a question for Conan. Oh yeah, was that something that came to you naturally? Or were you crying? Yeah, I looked at Play and I said, should I ask him if I should ask him? So Play was nervous because there were too many laughs and we were having too much fun.

15:51Oh, I'm sorry, okay. Okay, see, Logan, I work with my own team And man, I wish they were listening to music because sometimes they do the wrong thing. But Logan, do you have a question for me? How can I help you? Sure. So Conan, how many times at night do you get up to pee? Oh. Wow, that's a good question. Well, I'm gonna say on average twice. Maybe not. I can get by on once, but sometimes twice. It depends on how deeply asleep I am. But it's not that bad. I've talked to other gentlemen of my vintage. Mm-hmm. Yes. Well, why should I be telling you? What do you think? is twice too much. I mean, I think two, no, I don't think two is too much.

16:27One to two is okay. I mean, people start to, you know, lose sleep if they're getting up three or four times at night. I mean, it could really affect you the next day. So, you know, that's probably something that should be looked into. I do shit 24-7. I mean, it's just nonstop. You didn't ask about that. And that, I've been told, is not right. I sleep on the toilet. and I'm wearing a giant funny hat. I don't know why I'm wearing a funny hat, but I mean, it's nonstop shitting. Oh no. Just, yeah. I mean, I'm right now in the studio, it's crazy. So, but that's not your area. Right, that's not really my...

17:06That would be a, who would I talk to about that? Probably a colorectal surgeon or a gastroenterologist. Yeah, or maybe a restaurateur. It could be the food. Oh. Yeah, I eat. Yeah, perhaps an allergist. Yeah. It's just something you're eating. Yeah, I eat, 24 seven. I consume about 800 pounds of red pinto beans a day. And that could be the issue. While you're on the toilet, you're eating beans? I have a funnel that comes down from the ceiling. Oh, come on, man. All right, Logan. Oh, man. You're a delight and I apologize because I feel like I've, this has been absurd. You're someone to be taken seriously.

17:51You're very intelligent. You're kind. You're doing good work. And then you, why did you call? Why did you contact us? What made you think any good would come of this? I just want to say, Conan, I'm a huge fan. This is a dream come true for me, honestly. Like, I can't believe I'm talking to you right now. And I'm loving every minute of it. Oh, good. Okay. And you know, urologists have a pretty good sense of humor for the most part. If you meet us at a party or something, then just, you know, chat us up. We've got some good stories to tell. Okay, so what I should do, the next time I go into a party, I'm gonna say, yo, who's on the stream team?

18:27Hey Logan, a real pleasure talking to you. You seem like a very cool guy and I hope to cross paths with you, probably when I'm having some kind of urethral stricture. You're the man, all right? If you get it, give me a call. All right, thank you so much. All right, take care, Logan. Thanks, Logan. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

19:03Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

19:46This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.