Charles and the Chocolate Factory

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Charles, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi. Hi Charles, how are you? Hi Conan, good. It's actually early in the morning over here. Okay, well that's how the world works. I am in Los Angeles and you are in... I'm in the Philippines. Where in the Philippines are you? So I live in the capital, in the greater Manila, but the city itself is Quezon City. Okay. I'm not sure why I asked because it doesn't really mean much to me. I haven't been to the Philippines, but I want to know more.

0:50You should visit here. You think I should visit the Philippines? Yeah, it's quite nice over here. The people are friendly, good food. I've heard wonderful things about the Philippines. I'd like to know more about you, Charles. Tell me a little bit about your life. So I'm an engineer. Oh, sorry. I'm not sure if you're hearing my dog in the background. Oh, when you said I'm an engineer, oops, sorry, I thought a member of the secret police was behind you and that you're in hiding. You're whispering your dog's behind you and doesn't approve of your work as an engineer. Is that the idea? Probably. So you're an engineer.

1:33What kind of engineering do you do? So I'm a mechanical engineer. I'm currently working for my uncle's factory. He's making candies right here in the Philippines. Your uncle, you work for your uncle, and he has a candy factory. He's like Willy Wonka. Kind of, yeah. Are there rivers of chocolate and all kinds of waterfalls of gumdrops and things like that? Sadly, no. There's just generic factory stuff. Are there Oompa Loompas? Yeah. Not really. Not really? Why are you hesitating on that? What kind of an Oompa Loompa to you? Yeah, you said no immediately to rivers of chocolate and waterfalls of gumdrops, but then on Oompa Loompa, you're like, Do you have an Oompa Loompa factory?

2:26Is that what this is? Yeah. I think that wasn't a cat behind him. It was an Oompa Loompa.

2:34Okay, I'm gonna try and keep this, keep this, you know, clean and simple. Oh, you're doing a great job. Yeah, thanks. Well, we got a little bit of a lag and we need to make sure that everything ends together. So Charles, let me get this straight. You work at a candy factory that your uncle owns in the Philippines. Yes. Okay, and what kind of candies do you make? Well, we have two types of candies. We have bubblegums and then caramel candies. Ooh, wow. That's nice. I love caramel. I like both of those. I love bubblegum and caramel candies. Have you ever tried to mix the two together and make a bubble gum that has a caramel center?

3:15No, but I think my uncle did before, and he said it didn't taste really good. Because the bubblegums tasted more menthol-y, and then the caramel tastes very sweet and caramelly. And those two don't mix really well together. Well, wait, I'm sorry. I think your uncle screwed it up. I think I have a good idea here. He just went the wrong way with it. That's all. And I hate to pick a fight with your uncle, but I think there's a way to combine caramel and bubblegum. I mean, this is my life's dream. I think there's a way to do it correctly. And I'd I'll let I think I'll talk to you more. I haven't seen any type of bubble gum that has caramel-like flavorings in it.

4:04Yeah, guess what? In 1850, no one had seen an automobile before. But then someone invented it and the world changed. But I don't know why I'm so quiet after you said that. Maybe why don't you buy some bubble gum and a caramel and just try it out. Eat them together. Before investing in a machine. So Charles, tell me, how is the candy factory doing? Is it thriving? Not really. Since I started here like five years ago, it hasn't really gone off like really good. What do you think? First of all, what do you think the problem is? Well, I think it's because of the lack of exposure with the public. So every time we approach distributors or customers regarding our products, our candies, their initial reaction is they're going to say, no, it's still alive.

5:05They're going to say, I thought your products are already gone. Oh, so people, your candy factory has been around for a long time. you don't have good advertising and people think oh we thought those candies were discontinued is that the problem? yeah so actually our candy started way back like during World War II it actually started with my uncle's father and then it went on after that but then isn't your uncle's father also your grandfather? do I call him my grandfather? I think so am I wrong? I don't know. I don't think so. Yes, your uncle's father is your grandfather. Is it uncle by marriage, maybe?

5:52Yeah. Is it? Oh. Call him a grandfather. It's his aunt's husband. I see, yeah. Yeah. It's your grandfather-in-law. Yeah. Well, that was good that we cleared that up.

6:09Charles. It's a bit confusing for me all the time. Yeah, well, and me now as well. Charles. here to help. Charles, we have a simple story here. You are a man who is working for your uncle's candy factory. Your uncle's candy factory has been around for a long time, but it has become unpopular. How many employees work at this candy factory? Currently, we have like 19 of us. How many did there used to be? A hundred. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is way when the automations, automated machines came into the So before they used to pack the candies manually. So they needed many people to pack them individually, wrap them around and put them in boxes.

6:56But now we have machines to do that. We don't really need a lot of people to produce the candies. But then we also don't manufacture them every day. You don't make candy every day? Yeah. So it's only when we have orders or our stocks are declining that we manufacture more. Can you list me the name of some of your candies just so I get an idea of what these candies are called? So we have two types of bubblegum candies. So one is called Tarzan. Tarzan. The other one is called Texas. Tarzan and Texas. Do these bubblegums have anything to do with Tarzan or Texas? No.

7:41I'm not actually clear on how they came up with those names. So the names don't in any way link to how the gum tastes. I don't know what Texas tastes like. Barbecue. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it's random. I think someone back when this company was just starting said, let's call this one Tarzan and this one Texas, right? Kind of, yeah. So I think my uncle told me was his father came up with that name because he was, I think, more heavily influenced during the U.S. When the U.S. were occupying the Philippines and he was working with an American company here in Manila. Okay. So your grandfather came up with these names at the end of World War II.

8:30So you're down with Hitler gum. Oh, Jesus. It isn't a big seller. I'm just saying, these are antiquated names. It's the most catchy names. No. Down with Hitler. Yeah. We have a photo of the Tarzan gum, if you want to see it. Let's take a look. Yeah, let's take a look at the Tarzan gum. Oh, you do? Oh. Oh. But what does that have to do, and the colors are Christmassy. Yeah, so. Okay. Yeah. It just attracts children, so they'd be excited with the different colors. But they all taste the same. Oh, wait. They're different colors, but they all taste the same. And it's called Tarzan. And the catchphrase is put an ape man in your mouth.

9:20Yeah. Okay. I don't know. I just think that it's confusing. Do you understand? It's very confusing. It's confusing. And is this because, does your uncle want to change things up and maybe make things better? Make the marketing a little better? It hasn't really come up. I've pitched him the idea of having a commercial or just having more exposure to the public. But we haven't gone past that. So there's no actual plans for it. They're just talking about it. Is he stuck in his ways, do you think? Sometimes that happens with older people. They get stuck in their ways, and then some young punk like you comes along and says, hey, maybe we should change things a little bit.

10:12And he's like, hey. Is that what's happening? I don't know. I guess so. I think he wants to keep the legacy of the products going. I mean, when people hear about the Tarzan or Texas candies, they immediately know what it is. But the problem is only the older generations know about it and the younger generations, not so much. So how old are most of your customers? Well, I think the late 50s, 60s. Yeah, that's a problem. That's a problem. Not a lot of bubble gum chewing 60-year-olds. No, because the first thing that goes are the teeth. And you can't really, you know, just just chomp on that stuff without teeth.

11:05Wow. They're not like 90. You're 60. Yeah, my teeth are gone. That's all bubble gum. Yeah, those teeth. Maybe it's time to do like a throwback campaign, you know, nostalgia and stuff. Yeah, I was actually I was thinking about those types of campaigns. but only i've tried only um like trying those in through facebook posts no videos though just like pictures and stuff i'm gonna disagree with my friend matt here and this is very rare because i respect his opinion um but oh wait a minute which man oh it's me jesus um it's a great it's a classic bit charles um this is what i think i think you need to make a immediate hard play for the youth.

11:53I think you have to. I think you have to do something that's going to get younger people interested in the candies. And by the way, I love the way you say candies. Don't you? Yeah, I do. I like it. Yeah. I think the more you say candies, just keep saying candies. It's great. Candies. Candies. Oh, it's just fantastic. He says it normally. But it's sweet. He has a sweetness to it. You should be in a commercial. Yeah, you're a pitch man. You should be in a commercial and say, buy our candies. They're so it's the way you say it is very sweet.

12:31Tell me if I'm wrong. I think we have to make a hard play for the youth. Okay. And I think even if it's illegal, we have to say like, it's Taylor Swift bubblegum. We have to use a name that young people, is Taylor Swift big in the Philippines? She's big in the Philippines. Yeah, she's big everywhere. A lot of people actually wanted to see her perform a show here in the Philippines. Yeah. But she didn't. So everyone flew to Japan or Singapore just to see her. Yeah, well, I would have told Taylor to go to the Philippines, to go to Manila and play a big show. You would have told her? Yeah. How? How and when?

13:09She listens to me. We're tight. By tight, I mean I've listened to her music and I enjoy her work. Charles, I do think you need to, and we may be getting in trouble with the law here, but it's worth it, don't you think? To maybe say it's Taylor Swift bubble gum, and then we name some of the gum and the candies after some of her songs. Like this is the bad blood, or this is the all too well gum. Yeah, people love a candy called bad blood.

13:46No, but I, you know. No, I think we need to do something drastic. We need to make a campaign that appeals to the youth of the Philippines and we put your candy back on the map. And I think we have to do it, don't you think? Yeah, I think that's a great plan. Yeah. Now, do you have a lawyer? Yeah. I think we will. We're contracting a law firm, but we haven't used them for legal stuff. Well, when you do my. What do you use them for? What do you use them for? For naming the kids. It's a bunch of 90 year old lawyers. Oh wait, call it after Tarzan. Kids love Tarzan. Are these the Oompa Loompas? Is that what's happening here?

14:34Charles. Oh my God. Charles. You're going to need lawyers because some of the stuff I'm suggesting may incur some lawsuits. again I'm indemnified I'm just a guy giving you suggestions but I do think you need to do something to get the youth involved in your candy okay yeah let me ask you my uncle won't be on board with that well let me ask you maybe it's time to you know take him out what? just a little Shakespearean kind of one bad blood candy and he's out hey Charles Charles, it just occurred to me what you need is a celebrity endorsement by somebody who's big with the youth. Here I am. And I have...

15:24I know. You know, why am I... But seriously, what if... I mean, I would be happy to endorse the candy. Am I a big hit with the youth in the Philippines? To be honest, maybe not so much. You haven't been on air here in the Philippines like since the early 2000s. Charles, we keep telling him he's currently on the air. Don't do that. Wait, wait, hold on a second. Charles, it's called the internet. I'm all over the internet. There's like pornography and then there's me. I'm all over the internet. So don't tell me the... Don't you guys get the internet? We do. So if they search your name on YouTube, they'll see you.

16:04But then, well, before you... We watched your show in television. You were being shown in one of the local channels here in the Philippines. But then after that, you disappeared. Yes. So I'm no longer on TV in the Philippines. Well, we saw your show again when you went back on HBO. Yes. Yes. We call it Max. Max. Yeah, you're getting on him about branding names. this rolls off the tongue so um so Charles you're saying that maybe the youth in the Philippines maybe I'm not the one who do you think is a bigger star in the Philippines and be honest and think about it don't just blurt it out really think about it me or say Taylor Swift Taylor Swift's a big name everyone knows Taylor Swift do you want to think about it some more do you want to get back to me I want to say Conan but you might get disappointed if you come here and then no one recognizes you I'm sorry no one recognizes you not even people who watched you in the 2000s not even Charles Charles why did you Charles, can I remind you that you called me?

17:38Charles, you called me? Yeah. Why did you call me? Why didn't you call Taylor Swift? I don't have her number. Maybe you can connect me with her. Oh, so now you want to use me to get to Taylor Swift? Oh, that is so low, Charles. So just because, okay, that is the lowest of the low. well i was i want no don't be sorry you're being honest and i appreciate that and i think you're saving me a lot of disappointment you know um i don't know charles i uh i'd like to help save your candies i really would and i do think put you and taylor swift in the commercial if you want she won't agree to that yeah she's not going to work with me and that's been made clear before.

18:27She shouldn't. Well, for whatever reason, there's a cease and desist. Charles, I want to try and help your candy company. I really do. I think you guys are stuck in the past. We are. You said that your company's slogans and whole marketing campaign was invented at the end of World War II. And that was a long time ago. We don't actually have a slogan to think about. Oh, no. Wait, you don't have a slogan? It gets worse. There's no slogan. Give him a slogan. I don't think so. Well, I mean, first of all, we got to get you a slogan, right? Don't you think? Have you thought at all about a possible slogan?

19:06How about we don't actually have a slogan as a slogan? It's actually hard to make a slogan with the Tarzan and Texas name. No, no. Well, we could change. Would your uncle be open to changing the name of some of the candies and maybe going with a new advertising campaign? Would he be open to that? Oh, I'm not so sure. What if I talk to him? Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think you can convince him. I'm very convincing. I think I could talk to your uncle and say we have to change this. I mean, you're down to 17 employees. You used to have hundreds. OK. Yeah. And now, I mean, your youngest customer voted for Eisenhower in the American elections.

19:45You can't. This has got to stop. We've got to turn this around. It's time. I know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't seem as desperate as I want you to be. No, I've been desperate. That's why I called you. You're not coming across as desperate. You're giggling a lot. You seem kind of happy. You're speaking very quietly. You're saying candies in a delightful way. I'm not getting desperation. It is zero hour. We have got to do something. Yeah. Help us, Conan. Well, I will. I'd love to help you if we can agree on a fee we may have to sell off most of the factory to pay my fee oh well we can't afford that well you're going to pay it there's nothing you can do about it my uncle will talk to you about it I've got some guys that'll rough up your uncle when all my guys come by I'm rooting for you I like you Charles You seem like a nice guy.

20:50Do you have a family, Charles? Yeah. Actually, I have a brother, and then my parents are still here. Mm-hmm. And I'm rooting for you guys because I'd like to turn things around for you. You know? I'd like this candy. I want your candy company to be the biggest candy company in the Philippines. I hope so, yeah. What currently, what's your competitor? Who's the big candy company? Actually, there's a bigger company called Columbia, and they sell a different type of candy. So they have like menthol hard candies. Menthol hard candies. You know, I think this is a, I don't know why they're in the lead if they're selling basically a cough drop.

21:32Yeah. I think, I just think this is an easy assignment. I think I'm a good leader, Charles, and I'm an innovator. I'm a visionary and I know how to brand. I think I could come into Manila and I could turn your candy company around. I really do. I hope so, yeah. That'll be the dream. Okay. Do you trust me? And we'll, and yeah. Will you listen to me? Will you listen to my advice? Yes. Will your uncle listen to me? We'll convince him. Okay. Anybody, what do you think? Do you think I could do this? Do I think you can go to a candy factory and make it better? Yeah, bigger and better. Big hit in the Philippines.

22:13No, I don't think you can do it. I'm sorry. No, I don't think you can do it either. Do you think you can do it? Yes. Oh, okay. I think you can do it. It's by copyright infringement? That's your plan? Yeah. I think by the time, the Taylor Swift organization's huge. Yeah. They've got a lot to worry about. By the time they catch on to this manila candy company, you know what I mean? You'll have so much money, you won't know what to do with it. All right? And then you and I scram. We take off. Okay? and we leave your uncle holding the bag and he has to answer to the Taylor Swift people. Actually, I just remembered, there's actually a Taylor Swift impersonator here.

22:54Well, she's more like a drag impersonator of Taylor Swift. That's fine. So maybe we use that person. That's perfect. That's perfect. Maybe we can use her. Yeah. Her name's Taylor Sheesh. Yeah. Well, Taylor Sheesh. So basically, Taylor, shut up. Okay, well, that's terrific, Charles. We have all the ingredients we need. Okay, I'm coming. I'm going to get a Taylor Swift impersonator. We're going to violate Taylor Swift's copyright. We're going to turn this candy around and make it a big deal. And then, correct me if I'm wrong, there are thousands of islands in the Philippines, right? Yeah. When the heat comes, you and I take the money.

23:42And we go and we hide out on one of those islands and we live like kings. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I just told you the most innovative heist scheme of all time that involves you radically changing your life and hiding forever with a red-haired madman on a tiny island in the Philippines and living under my tyrannical rule. And you say, yeah, sure. Well, the bitches here in the Philippines are very nice, though. Okay. We're going to do it. All right. Well, I hope we can make this work out. I'll do my best. All right. I hope so. Okay. Yeah. Just try and calm down. You see. Meanwhile, if you have any stock in your company, I might consider selling it.

24:24Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. You got to believe in me. Okay. I've never ruined a candy company in the Philippines before. That's maybe the new slogan. First time for everything. Yeah. All right. Well, you take care, Charles. It's been nice talking to you. Thanks for having me. I hope I'll see you soon here. You never know. You never know. Yeah. You won't even know because I don't think you know what I look like. Bye. Bye, Charles. Thanks, Charles. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.

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25:41Thank you.