Claro Que Si

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Javier. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. I think I interrupted something. Oh boy, did you? Just random craziness. Hello, Javier. How are you? Hi, Sona, Conan, Matt. Very nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you. And you are coming to us from where, sir? I could say just Madrid. But that's where I'm from. But I live in a small town like 50 kilometers away. Okay. I don't know that in miles. All right. Neither do I. President Carter back in the 70s tried to get us to switch over to the metric system and we just voted him out of office.

0:55So. That was the right decision. Yeah. We just, other than that, he was a great guy and, you know, I think he did a good job, but we just couldn't stand that. No. So, but you live outside. I want to say you live about, I'm going to say a 45 minute drive from Madrid. Do you think that's fair? Very good. Yeah. Have a good eye for meters. Yes. That could be all I have. Javier, tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do? Who are you? Who is this man named Javier González Noriega? Wow. That was Conando. Full Conando. Yeah. How do you like my Spanish? Have you heard me speak Spanish before?

1:36That's the thing. That's something we have to talk about seriously. Because it's good and you have some potential. It could be better. Yes, I think my Spanish could improve. I think one of my problems is I need to be in an immersive environment. Because when you just read, you know, books that are teaching you Spanish or relying on what I learned in high school, that's not going to be good enough. I'm fully in favor of immersion to learn languages. That's what I've done with languages. Languages are my passion. And that's how I've learned, you know. by traveling and by talking to people as much as possible.

2:13Yeah. So that's what you need. Or I could get a surgical implant in my brain. I would prefer that because all the talking to people and traveling, that's time consuming. And do I really want to talk to these people? Probably not. So maybe an implant's another way to go. AI is just working wonders. If you ask your doctor, I'm sure that he'll say, surgery, always the first option. So just go with that. Either way, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try to improve my Spanish. I want it to be better. And yes, now, si, claro que si. That's good. Si, pero yo creo que no es importante. Pero en la gente, I like to start a sentence and then never finish it.

2:58That's just one of my favorite things to do. Es muy importante que el piso, si, pero... And then just trail off. And I go, si, si, entiendo, si. Si, si, si, lo entiendo, si, si. Claro que si. That's another thing. Claro que si. Claro que si. What does that mean, claro que si? Of course. Yes, exactly. I just love people say si and I go, claro que si. And then they think, he's being an asshole. You barely need my help. Yeah, yeah. You're good. People say, like, this is my son. And I go, claro que si. Like, who the fuck else is he going to be? And then they hit me. I get punched a lot when I'm in any Spanish-speaking country.

3:39Oh, dude. Yeah, too much claro que sea. Let's try to avoid that. Or encourage it. Yeah, there. Javier, what do you do? Tell me how, what do you do for a living? I work now, for the past seven months, I've been working in tourism, as a tourism information agent. I guess that's how you'd call it. so in around the center of madrid they're uh peppered throughout it there are like small offices right with a big eye and uh you know information point and so tourists like uh next to the royal palace or in the center of the city right so they see it they walk up to us and they have questions how can i get here uh how much for the ticket to the museum and I get a map, you know, and you answer the questions.

4:30Okay. Do you ever have people that see the eye and they try to buy an iPhone from you? Does that ever happen where people mistake you for an Apple store? So I just made a, just went, oh no. It's a bad joke, isn't it? Don't you think it's bad? Hold on, let me see. Oh, you're going to check? Yeah, because I'm a professional. The data's already in. Says here one of the better jokes I've ever made. incredible then i apologize yeah um so tell me uh so you were gonna say yeah go ahead so i was gonna say that uh in answer to your question uh actually it's some the recently the funniest thing that has happened to us to me was that uh an american actually i don't know where from but uh he saw the eye it said information point very clearly and he walked up to me and And he asked me if I sold if we sold sunscreen and tobacco.

5:27And I and I love that. I say, oh, information point. Well, I need tobacco. I'm sure he has some. That's very strange. What a weird thing to ask for. I thought, well, I guess this is what Americans do. I don't know. To clarify, no one's ever asked you for an iPhone. Yeah, that's OK. That's because. Oh, no, no. Sorry, I forgot to. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. It's a matter of time, I'm sure. Yeah. Just a matter of time before I come up. To clear my name. Javier, you work at this tourist kiosk in Madrid. And one of the questions I have is you must know patterns about different kinds of tourists, who's easy to deal with, who's not easy to deal with.

6:11Can you tell us? What have you found? Well, here's the thing. One of the golden rules is that if you get people who are older than, let's say, you know, in their 70s, and they quickly find out that everything we give out, like the maps and we have a little magazine and the brochures, we give it for free. And so they're going to go, oh, give me that, give me that. And it's like, OK, so we run out of everything. Old people just want to take as much from you as they can. in this specific case. Yeah. So that's something you've known like that in general. No, no, no, no. You would never say anything negative about old people in general.

6:53No. What you were saying is all the old people from around the world that come to your kiosk, waste your time and take as much free stuff as they can. They I mean, yeah, you imagine put yourself in their position. It's Wow, three things. Even if you don't need it, you have to get it. Yeah, but what is, they've already been on earth longer than the rest of us. They've already enjoyed - Longer than they should, some might say. Thank you. Thank you. They've already enjoyed all of these resources. They got to have a malted milkshake in the 1940s and 50s. They got to do the Lindy Hop. They got to have all these fun adventures.

7:33They got to watch Happy Days when it first came on. I mean, come on. Did you say Lindy Hop? We're all stuck on you doing the Lindy Hop right now. But I'm sorry. I was following, but we don't have that in Spain. I've never heard of that. We don't have it here. No one's had it since. The Lindy Hop goes back to, I think, probably 1925. Okay, so not even my great grandpa. It was an insane thing for me to say, and I'm never going to live it down. You didn't just say it. You mimed it. Anyway, my point is, These old people have been around for such a long time, having so much fun. And all they can think to do when they see this young, good looking man at a kiosk is like, give me more.

8:16Give me more. I want it. And I want it now. Especially the I have to say, those are people, old people who live in Madrid. So they already know. And every month, hey, give me the new stuff. These magazines are just telling them the same thing over and over again, which is this is where this museum is. That's where that museum is. And they know it already. They live there their whole lives. It's like, why do you need this? Do you think they're building homes out of these magazines? They're taking so many. Or starting their own tourist kiosks. Yeah, they have their own kiosks. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

8:48And they're charging. There's a competition. They're charging for it. Yeah, that's right.

9:01What about different types of people, nationalities? Are there any that are more I don't want to cause trouble here or an international incident, but are there some that are more problematic than others? Well, look, I mean, the entire world is listening to this interview right now. I don't want to cause the Germans. Come on. It's not. Well, what about a really, really old Frenchman?

9:32Sona does a really good old French guy. Go. I do. Hey, where is all the pamphlets? Where are they? Everybody took them. Incredible. Did you know? Can you believe she never took an acting class? Never took an acting class. I closed my eyes. I thought I was in Paris. Yes. It's incredible what she can do. Yeah. Yeah. Do your German guy. Go. The German very serious, so whiz of it is, I cannot think of it. That's still French. I can't speak of it, I am mad, I am mad. No, no, no, that's still a French guy. I am so angry. No, that's French. That's a French guy who's, maybe just has a German meal in front of him.

10:11I'm afraid, I'm a German man and I like what you do. No, that's Swedish. That's Swedish. Can you believe Javier never took an improv class, never studied dialects and yet she's able to do this. She's a natural. I am. I am a natural. I'm a student of the world. Let's hear your Seinfeld. So what are the people?

10:37Javier. Oh, my God. Jerry Seinfeld. What is the deal with all these people?

10:51Oh, my goodness. Well, talk to you so much for that. Because Javier, you seem like a very nice guy and I feel a friendship towards you. Do you think we would get along? Do you think we would get along as pals? What kinds of things would we do together? I've been thinking a lot about this. This is a big question. I think you would love it in Madrid. It's a very fun, you know, big city, lots of things to do. I've never been in L.A., so I can't compare. but they you know big city a lot of stuff to do uh very vibrant uh so i think you'd love that uh and uh would we get along i think so i've been watching you you were one of the first uh people that i watched when i was growing up uh and learning english you know watching on youtube like clips of your show and letterman and so that's how i really started you know uh so i don't I don't know, maybe if I meet you, I'll be surprised.

11:52I'm like, ah, not what I expected, but I don't think so. Well, I really don't think so. Thanks a lot, Alier. He could have lied and just said, yeah, we'd get along. Just say, sure, we'd get along great. We'll get along. He seemed like a fun chap. He seemed like a really nice amigo. And then you're like, I might be disappointed. He couldn't even lie. Well, you're honest, I'll give you that. I'll give you that. and maybe I, you know, I don't know. I think we could have a good time. We can hit the nightlife. I really think so. Are you someone, are you a single person or are you looking to meet anyone?

12:27I am single. I'm looking to meet anyone. I mean, not anyone, but you know, somebody. Yeah, you have standards. Literally anybody. Yeah, I do have some standards. They're low, but you know. He has low standards and he still wasn't sure about you. Yeah. Come on. That's not where I was going. That's true. You said I have very low standards, but I'll take anyone. You, I might be disappointed. No. Friendship-wise, I have high standards. But, you know, for our relationship, at this point. Hey, me too. I was there, you know. I call it my warm body mode, you know. Oh, what was that? A lily hop again. You know, if you took me to the clubs, I might get recognized if we went to the clubs together.

13:27And then if I got recognized, people would come over and I might be a good wingman that way. I might attract people who would want to meet you. That'd be great. Or or I was thinking I was imagining you because I think the job I do, I think you would be a natural at it. You know, getting there, you're in that little and these little offices and tourists from all around the world come over and you get to talk to them for a little bit. You know, that's that's a perfect setting for you. I think I would be very good at that. I'm a good talker. I can talk with anyone. I can fake the language if I don't know it.

14:04A lot of it's just nerve. And I think I have a lot of I think I have a lot of nerve. I think I have a lot of so I could just talk to tourists. Yes. I think I could probably do that I think I could work a tourist kiosk I do And it's very doesn't want you to be his wingman I know, you know what I love? I do Can we say something Javier? I offered to be your wingman in a club and get you all these opportunities and you quickly switched to or you could work in the tourist kiosk for me So clearly you don't want me to be your wingman I love it, you're going to take his place in the kiosk and he's out in the clubs Yeah, you're gonna be in the clubs, hitting it and quitting it, and I'm gonna be handing out pamphlets at a kiosk.

14:49To Sona's French person. To old French men. Sona coming over, give me a pamphlet. And you just. Pamphlet. Where can I go to do this Lindy Hop?

15:06Javier, I like you and I think. You'd be a great wingman, I'm sure. Javier, I think I could do that job. and you seem, he seems like a spectacular guy. You really do. You're very, you're, you're funny. You're accepting. You're honest, I think to a fault about my failings. But I would, I would like to be your friend. I really would. I think we could get along just fine. That'd be wonderful. And let me add something, by the way. I, I just today, I watched you, one of your interviews with Javier Bardem, right? And, and he said, I don't know, This was like five years ago. I don't know. And he said in it, hey, you should come over to Spain.

15:47And he and you were like, yeah, sure. Why not? Maybe that's Javier didn't convince you. I'm here to be the other Javier. You know, this is you to come over. I I love Javier Bardem, but I think you are another great Javier, equally great Javier Bardem. I thought you were terrific as a Bond villain. And in No Country for Old Men, you killed it. So I admire his hair. Yes. In No Country for Old Men, that's like, wow. Yeah, his Dorothy Hamill figure skater haircut. Good reference. Yeah, it's only 50 years later than Melinda. You know, can I ask you why you keep calling him Javier instead of Javier?

16:32Like caviar. I feel this entire interview you've been pronouncing his name Javier Oh I'm sorry have I been doing that? Yes Thanks for waiting to the end Eduardo can confirm I thought I was maybe I had it wrong Javier You're free to break in at any time and correct me No I don't Eduardo we got this don't worry Well thanks that's 40 hours of editing for him I don't edit these. It's just weird. You saw the E and you're like, Javier. To be fair, there were a couple Javier's you snuck in there. So I thought, oh, he caught himself. I'm going to do a couple right now and then you can drop them in. Javier.

17:17Javier. Javier. Javier. Javier. Now go fuck yourself. That's what I'm going to put in place for every Javier. Yeah, each one's going to be like, Javier, Javier, Javier, Javier. Go fuck yourself. No, no, I meant all of it and then go fuck yourself. Um... Javier, I apologize. It's good to see how this works behind closed doors. Oh, no, we're a mess. So I don't get to see all the pettiness behind it. Yes, yes. That's stupid. Never go into the kitchen of any fine restaurant. And this is not a fine restaurant. No. This is a Denny. Well, anyway, I'm embarrassed, Javier, that we weren't on our A-game today.

17:52But I will say this. It was really nice talking to you. Have a fantastic, I guess it's night now where you are? It is almost midnight, yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Well, if you have a spare 44 minutes, well, actually this time of night, I'm going to say 32 minutes to drive into central Madrid, given how many, given that it's about 40 kilometers. God, he's good. And you can go and you can get yourself a cerveza or, you know. What else? Yes. Maybe you could drift a little south and get some paella. How about some caviar? Okay. Caviar. We're out of time. Caviar. Hey, caviar. That almost rhymes with my name.

18:31Javier, very nice to talk to you. And thank you so much. And I hope our paths... It was a real pleasure to me. I hope our paths cross soon. I hope so. Yeah. You're always welcome here. The three of you. And Eduardo and Blake, everybody. Hey. Oh, no. You heard it there. No. Well, I'll be there, right, boss? Yeah, if you pay your own way. Goodbye, sir. Take care. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Adios. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

19:14Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.