Comedy Crimes with Andy Daly

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1:37Hey, Peter, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, how are you? We're great, Peter. I want to get right into this because you are from Framingham, Massachusetts, which is not far from where I grew up in, you know, Brookline, Massachusetts. and uh where are you right at this moment at this moment i'm in framing here in framing him in yeah okay my office slash playroom okay cool and this is real quick we have someone special here with us today yeah he's very special uh is it me yes it is you please introduce our friend well andy daly who was on the podcast is joining us as well for this fan episode so peter meet andy hello Peter hello Andy pretty uh incredible to meet all three of you this is uh this is great a big fan of all three including a review I watched um when that came out I loved that oh Conan loves this Conan loves a compliment for me keep going Peter keep going what else did you happen to see Yogi bear the motion picture that was in 3d i'm enraged by i am enraged by anyone getting a compliment uh even my children but but not andy daly who uh is a true genius but um i am fascinated yes i'm very happy that andy's joining us but you sir well work for the dna innocence project and this fascinates me because I want to get away with the perfect murder one day, one day very soon.

3:13And this involves you, Andy. Is that what you think of when you hear the DNA Innocence Project? How can you get away with the perfect murder? Yes. This is noble work, Conan. Well, I know they're helping people and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've got to get away with the perfect murder. Doesn't you just saying you want to get away with the perfect murder mean you're never going to get away with the perfect murder? I'm trusting that no one's listening right now. Well, that's fair. Okay. Well, Peter, let's get serious for a second. This is incredible work that you do. Tell us a little bit about it.

3:46It's obviously, this is science-based, but there's also the law. Are you a practicing lawyer as well? Yes. Yep. So that's what I, it's actually the Public Defender's Office Innocence Program for the statewide instance program. So I'm a DNA litigator, essentially. I'm kind of focused on DNA, but there are a few other attorneys, including the director of the program, who focus on everything having to do with a wrongful conviction, including police misconduct, eyewitness, bad eyewitness testimony, stuff like that. But my focus is DNA and trying to get DNA testing to prove innocence. I mean, DNA is, and the science of DNA detection is really a godsend because we're able to now solve these crimes and prove people innocent when that wasn't possible 25 years ago.

4:45Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It's really incredible how far it's come. Just even in the last 10 years, they've made a lot. But yeah, there's a lot of, there are a lot of cases that are from the 80s, 90s, that, you know, people have been incarcerated for 30 years, 40 years. And thanks to DNA, the discriminating power of like figuring out that one person that it is or isn't, it's pretty incredible that we're able to test those things now and get somebody out. I think if you if you did not commit a murder, you should not go to jail for it. Right. and you should be let out of jail for the murder that you didn't commit.

5:27But I'm not so sure. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Bold take. Bold take. That's insane. In my opinion, if you've been in jail. Someone's gotta be in prison. But this is what I'm saying. I mean, that's space that we have built for people to be in prison. You gotta put someone in there. I absolutely agree. Whether they did or they didn't do it. No, but I'm saying the opposite. I disagree. If you've been in jail for like 40 years for committing a murder and then it turns out you didn't do it. I, in my opinion, they should let you out of jail. However, another bold take. I don't think necessarily the person who did do it should.

6:00I mean, if you get away with something for like 40 years, you should. They should be able to pat him on the back and say, congratulations. You think statute of limitations on murder. It's more than that. You're actually saying like you deserve something for your wiliness. I think so. Oh, so not just like a reward. Not just you don't go to prison, but you also get a new car. A new car would be great. I mean, anybody could use it. but I think some kind of acknowledgement that you are the top, you're in the top echelon of smart people in our, in our world that you got away with a murder for 40 years.

6:33Yeah. Lock somebody like that up. No, I, I think you bring up a very bad point.

6:42Um, but, but this is, I mean, it really is incredible. Wait a minute. What? Spoken like someone who's gotten away with murder for a long time. That's true. I'm just saying, if you like killed somebody in college, whatever, just because a bunch of guys were out and it seemed like a fun thing to do. If all these years later, you're 55 years old, you have a family, you're successful in show business. You work in comedy. Yeah, you work in comedy or whatever. You need a new car. And a new car would be great. Anyone could use it.

7:18Peter, did you ever think the Innocence Project could be so funny? I mean, this is the important thing. It's just good time. It's good to laugh. Laughs are the cure for everything. Okay, well, so here's the question. What are the best ways, because I do want to get some real information and then back to your idiocy, Andy. But the best ways to, what are the best sources of DNA? Is it saliva? Is it blood? Is it semen? Is it hair? What are the best ones? Is it DNA? Yeah, just DNA in a bottle. The very best that, because it just stays around so long, is bone. But that's not what we really see in our work for like what we'll see in a case.

8:05Usually it's going to be blood, semen. Those are probably hair now. That's kind of more recent as far as. People don't leave behind bone at the scene of the crimes that they commit. You know what I love? I love a guy who's back from a crime and he's really smart. He's like, well, a perfect murder. Well, damn it. Where's my tibia? I have to sneak back in and get my tibia. I need to limp back in and put my tibia back in this leg bone sack. You're telling me the bone man killer leaves one of his bones in every murder scene? How is this man walking around? So wait a minute. I didn't realize bone was such a good source of DNA.

8:51For how long? Could you prove that like a triceratops killed a stegosaurus? At what point can you find the bone, but there's no DNA? That's a good question. I don't know the answer to that. Do you agree with me that it would be pointless to put that triceratops in jail at this point? And that triceratops should get a car. Yes! Especially made car. Hey, that triceratops is chewing around on that new Nissan Leaf. Oh, you haven't heard about him? No. We're idiots and we apologize, but at the same time, we're doing what we do. And these are the murders we commit. These are called comedy crimes. But we're right to commit a crime.

9:39It's almost impossible not to shed something. I've got a lot of hair, rather distinctive hair. it's very hard not to shed some DNA, maybe even impossible, because aren't we shedding skin cells all the time? I know I am. That had a sexual connotation and it doesn't compute. He's so proud of the skin cells. How was the party? Pretty good. I'm pretty sure I left some dead skin there. What do you think conception is? I'm sorry. Peter, please continue. you. I mean, isn't it kind of impossible not to leave some DNA? Yeah. I mean, like you said, shedding. So skin cells, if you touch anything, you're going to leave some touch DNA, some skin cells back there, wherever you were touching, you're going to, the hair is going to fall out saliva.

10:29If you're talking, you know, that could come out. I just had an idea. I would have myself laminated before I committed a murder. Fed into one of those laminating machines that does business guards and stuff. So you leave no DNA, but a guy walks into a building who's completely laminated. And expects to get away with it. Kind of hops, shuffle hops in. It might be a little loud. Can I come in, please? No. Could you kill yourself? Police. I can't move my hands. Yeah, we're just shedding stuff all the time. It's incredible. It's incredible. No, it's true. We just can't, you know. And the other thing is, I guess a big problem is you, the police come to a crime scene and they leave their own DNA.

11:18They're eating their donuts and they're, you know, walking around with their nightsticks and saying, move it along now, move it along. So they contaminate a scene. So you have to make sure that their DNA doesn't mess stuff up, right? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Blay mentioned that he had the idea of bringing in a spray bottle of blood or like a garden hose of semen or something like that. Garden hose. Well, I was just saying, if semen lasts a long time, you could potentially carry a Ziploc bag full of a lot of different kinds of semen and then just throw it around. Hey, I've got that. I've been wondering what to do with it.

11:54I've got nine different kinds of semen in a bag in my garage. Different kinds? Yes. I jerked off a grasshopper This one's called wet velvet This one's called Different strains Called the opal avenger And

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17:37I feel bad because you're doing really good work, Peter. We haven't even let the guy talk. We haven't even let you talk because I just said I jerked off a grasshopper.

17:49and um you're a really smart good man who's trying to help people and we're awful we're just awful people none of us can watch dumbo ever again or i need to see it right away pick your poison peter um uh i'm i'm curious uh and i'm desperately trying to keep this on an even keel but is the science it just keeps advancing i would guess that it's just going to get better and better and better. Is that correct? Yeah, it is. I mean, there's new stuff coming out now about, you know, we've been able to, for the last few years, get something from seven trillionths of a gram of material and take that and turn that into a DNA profile.

18:37And now we're at the point where we can take, you know, some fractured DNA and then run that through your family tree and figure out, okay, well, this person from that family was in that area around the time. Wow. And sort that. It's pretty, it's amazing stuff. There's something that fascinates me. I listen to, I'm a history buff. I also enjoy crime stuff. I listened to a very long podcast recently about the Lindbergh kidnapping. And And in the 1930s, Charles Lindbergh's son is kidnapped from the home and they got some ransom notes. And many people for a long time have said the person who was convicted and sent the electric chair, Bruno Hauptmann, possibly didn't do it.

19:26And there's one way they could really tell is if they took the stamps off of the envelopes, which they still have in New Jersey. They still have the stamps and test that DNA. It might it wouldn't maybe exclude Hauptmann. But if his DNA is on one of the stamps, they know that he definitely was one or the only person who who committed the crime. and the New Jersey refuses to do it. Why? They won't, they just, they won't say, but they just say, we don't want to do it. I suspect it's because what if they test it and there's a chance that Bruno Hauptmann didn't write any of those notes. They sent this guy to the electric chair, but everyone's dead.

20:13Yeah. Why not? And I don't know why they do it. And I think they've sometimes said, well, it's a historic document. We don't want to destroy, to test the DNA that have to destroy some evidence. But I don't understand why they wouldn't. You could find out they could find out they could test it today and tell us what the answer is in a couple of weeks. Yeah. I mean, we actually see that kind of a lot in our work where we're kind of asking DA's offices, the prosecution offices to test something because part of the process is getting them to to agree to it or, you know, fighting about that in court.

20:48And a lot of the time they're saying, no, we just we we don't think that we should. Yeah, because basically sometimes it's we worked really hard. We've got this person. We think we have a pretty good they're in prison. We don't. It says it would be naturally a frightening thing for them. It shouldn't be, but a frightening thing for them to maybe admit, oh, shit, he didn't do it. She didn't do it. That would be so they'd rather just not find out. I mean, sometimes they have other reasons too, like in the grand calculus of the case, does it actually matter that much or not? I mean, in this one, obviously, that would be helpful to know.

21:29I think the question for New Jersey is, do they think that the science isn't there? Because saliva can deteriorate faster as far as a DNA biological samples so you know do they think that they can use the science probably the newest science that i just was talking about kind of like um getting little fragments of dna maybe they could do but um it is something that you we we try to to fight for getting artistic just like what uh they should be doing with the envelope this is why when i send a letter i use blood and semen on the stamp oh no I'm not going to help you at all. Oh, you're right. It's the worst thing I could do.

22:11And it also takes so much time. What kind of semen though? And which goes first? As long as you have a cricket handy and a little cricket porn. Cricket porn. I show it on a little projector to a cricket. Oh, for Christ's sake. We were doing so well too. I know we weren't. No, you're right. Well, no, I think my - Oh, for a second there. For a second there, I think we were on an even keel. I'm New Jersey's behalf. New Jersey doesn't have a lot of cool stuff. You're from New Jersey. I'm from New Jersey. So you don't think they have the science that the rest of the world has? No, I'm saying these envelopes are pretty cool.

22:49These are like the Lindbergh baby kidnapper envelopes. Right, because they got Billy Joel and these stamps, and that's about it. They don't really have Billy Joel. He's out there on Long Island. Oh, sorry. You're right. They don't even have Billy Joel. They don't even have Billy Joel. New Jersey has nothing. No, that's not true. They had Bruce Springsteen for a while, but he just bought an island in Crete and he's now a Greek citizen. So everyone's getting out of New Jersey. Yeah. His last album was all about how amazing it is in Greece. And they say he's lost his touch with his fans. Crete girl.

23:23The Aegean blues. I mean, just born in the Parthenon. I'll edit that out. No, I don't think you will. Yes, I will. Why? You'll see. No, come on, leave it in. It's good stuff. I enjoyed it. And now us talking about it makes it even better. I'll edit all this out. None of us are going to be in. Not a trace. How about you leave us and you take out Peter. All his good work. And it's just us jerking off crickets and singing Born in the Parthenon. I think what I'm learning is it's just good not to commit a crime because with the science, and you'd think I'd have learned that from my early Christian teachings.

24:06But no, none of that stuck. I just really wasn't paying attention. I thought that none was hot. But since then, I just think it's, who commits a crime now? Because you're going to leave DNA. Oh, people do do it. Oh, still, the crimes are still happening? I think so, yeah. People do commit crimes. Are you sure? I think so. From time to time. Are crimes of passion the predominant type of crime? Is premeditated crime just not as much a thing anymore? I don't know. I think it's still certainly a thing. That's good to know. It's still happening. Yeah. But they're not, I mean, they're not thinking as thoroughly as, can I, you know, jerk off grasshopper and then use that.

24:41You know what, Peter? We've ruined you. Here now. They're going to play this to discredit you in court. I know. Oh, my God. Well, anyway, I, Peter Tilly, believe, oh, you do, do you?

24:55Exhibit A, a grasshopper. Or cricket. Cricket. A cricket. I believe we've invoked both over the course of this podcast. We've spoken of grasshoppers and crickets and their semen. Hey, you know what? Thanks for clearing up something that didn't need to be in any way, in no way needed to be straightened out. I just love you got right in there and fixed a thing that wasn't broken. Just wanted to say we've talked about both. And I'd like to say it again. the other thing i think it would come a long way is that people now understand dna science and that it's a real thing better i mean in the oj trial it was still fairly new and you could you know there was some sense that what's all this medical science gobbledygook have to do with the fact that those gloves don't fit as well as we think they should even though he's wearing other gloves he had catcher's mitts on when they had, they tried those gloves on.

25:53I'm sorry, I'm really getting deep into the case, but I think people should know it. It's up there with the Lindbergh thing. Is there anything you want to tell us or any questions you have for us? Because you're an expert in your area, but look at us. We're an expert in, oh, I just remembered who we are. Yeah. I mean, a big thing that I, you know, think about or encounter is I'm having difficult conversations with people all the time um you know clients that i'm trying to work with and um i'm personally i i think you know comedy and being um a little bit more lighter in conversation can go a long way especially uh with somebody who's kind of living day-to-day uh behind bars and i'm wondering if you have any tips about maybe how to uh bring comedy into conversations that i'm having oh my god if you're talking to someone who's been wrongfully imprisoned and they're not sure they're going to get out of prison and you want advice from us on how to make your conversations with them when they've got like, what is it?