Conan Must Go: Cami (Argentina)

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Cammie. Hey, Cammie. It's Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi, Matt. Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Sorry about Sona. She's a little messed up, but we'll get her here. Hold on. Conan threw a box of tissues at me right before we started. Not true, Cammie. Yeah. Lies, all lies. If only there was someone here who could corroborate either way. Nope. If only. So, Cammie. I'm going with Sona on this one. Thank you. I'm sorry, Conan. I already like her. Sorry. I really like you too, you know. Kami, I want to start this interview in a professional manner.

0:47It's very nice to meet you, Kami. And you are coming to us from where? Where are you right now in the world? Buenos Aires in Argentina. Beautiful. Argentina, if I said it in Spanish. Argentina. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not bad, right? Yeah. Not bad, not bad. Not bad? What's wrong with it? Buenos Aires. I said not bad. Oh, it's superb, Conan. There you go. Superb. Thank you, now you know. Best pronunciation I have ever heard. No words in singing can pull it off. Tell us what you do, Cammie. What is your profession? I'm a translator. I translate and I edit. You're a translator. This is perfect. I do.

1:28This is perfect. So are you saying that - How so? Well, I'm saying that, let's say, I'm a man that likes to travel. Let's say I was in Buenos Aires. Where? Buenos Aires. Not familiar. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Let's say that I was there. Would you be able to help translate for me? I would, but we have an issue. What's that? I told one of your producers on the pre-interview that I didn't want to meet you because I never met your idol. Wait a minute. Is this true? Wait, say that again. You don't want to meet me. Why? Because I said don't meet your idols. So, sorry, buddy. Because you're just saying you idolize me.

2:05Of course. Of course. Kemi, oh my lord. What are you doing, Kemi? Sauna and mat. Yeah. We started strong and now it just sort of petered out. No, no, no. There's like a Thanksgiving, there's the turkey. Yum, yum. And there's a little yam over here. And there's Christmas and New Year's. Yeah, I don't eat turkey, so. No, no, then there's yam and then there's a little bit of a batel nut or something. Listen. So Kemi. Conan, I don't eat turkey. Okay. Wow, we are not getting along. Kemi, allow me to translate. Yeah, this is hard. I thought it was gonna be amazing. Kami, let me try and get to the essence of the situation here.

2:42You live in Buenos Aires, you work as a translator. You're an actual fan of, you listen to the podcast? Of course. Okay, and you say that you don't want to meet me because you don't want to meet one of your idols. I'm very honored that you would say that. I do think that if you met me in person, you'd be an even bigger fan. Hmm. Hmm. I'm sure. Why, you shook your head no. Oh, we're never gonna know. Listen, I'm a translator of human behavior, and you shook your head no as you said - Oh, I didn't know that. Yes, yes, and you shook your head no as you said yes, so. You're a man of many hats, I see.

3:19Of many heads? Hats. Oh, hats. Oh, I'm sorry, thank you. Now you guys are translating English for me. Fantastic. Well, maybe my English is bad. No, no, your English is terrific. Perfect. Kemi, tell me about your life. Tell me a little bit about your life and if there's any way that I can help you because you say you're a fan and I'd like to help you. Okay, my life, guys, is boring, very uninteresting, but I try to find the funny in it. In fact, your rant, your Conan and Sonia's rant about pens at the end of the Shaquille O 'Neal's episode, that gives me life. Oh my God. If I'm having a bad day, I'll go listen to that.

3:56The pens, you mean the fact that I need a Pilot Precision Grip pen. Bold. Bold. Bold. Not fine. Yes, and bold, not fine. It has to be bold, not fine, because fine pens are stingy with the ink. Yes. These are the pens that I keep with me right now. These are the only pens I will use because they are generous with the ink. Oh God. The attitude of the pen is, there's more where that came from, you only live once. That's how these pens behave. They're not like, Ooh, ink is a valuable resource and must be saved. My precious ink. That's the fine point pens. That's how they're behaving. Kemi, are you still a fan or did I talk you out of it during this conversation?

4:41No, I'm still a fan. I'm still very much a fan. But honestly, how much more you got in? Yes. I think Kemi's a fan. I think, no, I think I'm in it for the long run. Okay, that's it. Kemi, you say your life's boring. Why is it boring? What would spice up your life and how can I help? Spice up, maybe the Spice Girls. Hey. I know, I love a 25 year old reference. Those are fantastic. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah. I'm 37, so. That's very young, 37. You're young, you're very attractive. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You should be quite - Well, very attractive, you know. No. Yes, you are. Yes, very.

5:17Kami, you are a very attractive woman living in Buenos Aires. You are very desirable. Tell me about your life. Do you have a partner? Do you have anybody in your life right now? I do not have a partner. I'm single. I have friends. Okay. But no benefits, just friends. Yes. I'm married with no benefits. Oh, Blake. I'm worried that you're married to a very smart woman. She's very smart, yes. I love, that's a funny idea, married with no benefits. Come on, someone, let's pitch that to the Fox network. Okay. Okay, I'll do it, Conan. I'll pitch it. Yeah, you should probably, you probably have a better relationship with American television executives than I do.

6:00Cammie, so are you dating? If I'm not being too personal? I do go on dates. I go, I get so bored, guys. Okay, what's the problem? What is it you're looking for? Someone who can make fun of themselves. Uh-huh. Be funny. Okay. Like making fun of themselves. Yeah. So you like someone who has a self-deprecating sense of humor. What about physically? What are you looking for physically? Well, I like, this is kind of hypocritical because I'm 5 '2", but I like someone taller than six feet. Oh, okay. So self-deprecating and tall. Me being 5 '2", it's kind of, come on, Tammy. You don't need six feet. What are you talking about?

6:41I kind of do. You need a guy or a woman. I can't assume. A guy, a guy. A guy, okay. I date men. Okay, you date men. Only men, only older, only single. Wait, you date only men who are older than you and are, well, of course, single. Yeah, that one makes sense, but. Goes without saying, but whatever. How much older than you do these men have to be? Oh, as much as they can and it's not creepy. Well, okay, this is really interesting to me. What's creepy? There's that old formula. What is it if you double, take half your age? Half your age? and isn't there there's a formula at least popularity here that if someone is two Batmans younger than you two Batmans younger than you oh that makes sense so half of wait a minute half of Cammy's age is 18 more or less and then you what and then you add like 7 or something 7 can you look this up or if we're going with the dating age rule to determining a socially acceptable age difference in partners goes something like this half your age plus 7 plus 7 to define the minimum age of a partner and your age minus seven times two.

7:49Okay, you just, I can't follow any of that. Well, if she's 37, you multiply 37 by two, add... Can we just go half? Can we get NASA on the phone? I think you have the deal. So for her, it would be 18 and a half plus seven. No, but she wants someone older than her. No, no, she wants someone older than her. So you have to do it the other way. Let's just say, and I'm going to be, let me just ask, say that my wife was abducted by aliens. Okay? She wasn't. Let's say... No, no, no. Cammie, please. I think that's your answer. Cammie, please. She was abducted by a happier alternative. The aliens came to talk to my wife and she said, please take me with you.

8:32But listen... I'm not going to be the first one to ask her that. 60 is the answer. No, no, what I'm saying... 60 is the answer for her. So you can't go above 60. You can't go above 60. 60! Now, does 60 seem creepy to you? Oh. I bet, yeah, okay. You're exactly 60. I'm exactly 60. I just turned 60 a couple months ago. But you're not creepy, but we're not wrong. But come on, you just said, you just said, if you saw me, let's say you didn't know who I was and you saw me walking down the street, tall, self-deprecating, you can tell because I'm sort of, oh, look at me, I'm not so great. And would you then look at me and go, oh but it's creepy he's too old be honest no no no i think oh my god her voice her pitch was so high oh my god i think she would be looking at you and being like no no what is this person doing in argentina that would be something yeah yeah i would i would try to give you a little some tips not to look so touristy well i love that you're just assuming that but wait what about my physical appearance is my physical appearance forget what i'm wearing is my physical appearance touristy yeah it's giving tourists why because i'm picturing you with a i'm picturing you with one of those bags from the from the magazine stores in the american airport like news whatever oh yeah a duty no no no no no those the ones that are from the magazine stands the ones that said like newsstand or whatever in english okay wow well you idolize me um and yet at the same time You think I'm a creepy old fool.

10:09Do you think you can blame it? I did not say that. Oh. I did not say you're a creepy old fool. Oh, your first fight you two. Look at us, bickering like old marrieds. Cammie, I would like to help you because I think that, as I said, you seem like a very funny, smart, I think you're very beautiful. I think you've got your youth, you've got so much going for you. and I think it's crazy that Cammie has not met the right person yet. Agreed. Do you think that I would be a good wingman if I was out with you? Definitely. Do you think I would help you get dates? I would like you three to come on dates with me.

10:50Smart. Or even go on a date without me and just tell me. Pre-date. Pre-screen. He's a good candidate. Wait a minute. Yeah, I would love that. You know what it could be? Like an America's Got Talent or, you know, like the voice where we're the three people in the panel. I don't think we're going to have that many men. Yes, we will. By the time we get done with this, we're going to have a lineup for you. Kami, you need to do a major attitude adjustment because I don't... You're holding a lot of great cards here, Kami, and I think you should have a very... Is that a skeletal hand that you're wearing around your neck?

11:26Are you wearing a... Yeah, I got the... A person I killed, well, they technically killed them, I mean, come on. Okay, I think I just found the problem. I may have - Cami, I think I identified the problem. She's beautiful, she's funny, she has just a great sense of, you know, sense of life and elan, and she wears a skeleton hand around her neck. And is maybe a vampire? Yeah, I got it, go play it after, It was my first skill. Those are real human bones, you're saying? No, they're not. They have the shape. It was made by an Argentine sculptress and an Argentine jeweler. It's called Argentine. Argentine.

12:13Okay. By an Argentine. That's my favorite thing is to correct. An Argentine? Correct a translator who's Argentinian of Argentina. I just love that. And Kemi, it's called Kami. Kami. Okay? Kami. Kemi. Am I saying it right? You're getting it. You're slowly getting there.

12:45Kemi, paint a picture for me. Let's say I came to Argentina, to Buenos Aires, and let's say I landed at el aeropuerto. and let's say that I came by your casa and let's say I took off my hat. Why were you wearing a hat? I don't know. I just love that I love a guy who chokes on the easiest word. And I put on my gato who I took with me on the plane. And let's just say that then you and I went out to, would we go to a club? I'm trying to think. Yes. Let's go back to premise one. We are not meeting in real life. Oh, come on. You're gonna like me. I have a, here's what I get a lot. No, but don't meet your idols.

13:35I'm a real follower, dude. Sorry. Well, okay. I do think you will meet me someday and you'll realize it's not such a big deal. Yes, there'll be a moment where you're like, oh my God, it's him. Oh, he's, oh wow. God, he's tall. Oh man, he's so good looking. Look at those cheekbones are like carved. striking i'd be like oh he's he's striking yeah and then you go oh his age and then you'd get over that wait can i first say can i first say that's a side for sore eyes i always wanted to say that oh so that's what you'd say if he showed up at your doorstep you'd take such a sight for sore eyes no i'd say no don't meet your idols i'm a real follower sorry conan okay go away You can close the door in his face.

14:21Would you really Sierra La Puerta on my face? I wouldn't open it. I have a thingy to look, so. What? It's where I was like, Sierra La Puerta. Sierra La Puerta. Yeah, I'm doing, I'm killing it over here. I don't understand what the problem is. I'm not opening the door. I'm looking through the little thingy. What if he's in disguise? Yeah. Oh. What if I'm wearing Elle mustache? Yeah, I think I could still tell. You do? Okay. Okay, well, listen, I think someday we are going to meet, you are gonna get over it, those rules will crumble, and then we're gonna go out, we're gonna hit the clubs. I know Argentina - I don't wanna hit the clubs, I'm 37.

15:03What are you talking about? 2017. I'm much older than 37 and I'm desperate to hit the clubs for the first time. I've never been to the clubs. Okay, I could get you someone to go there with you. I haven't - You don't like it when the music's pulsing?

15:19What kind of a club is that? I don't like crowds. What kind of a club is that? That's such a bad club. Jesus. Well, actually that's a club that they're still working on and they're using a hydraulic drill. I wasn't, my club is not finished yet. My club they're still working on. I haven't set putting a club in. Oh. What would you like to do with Conan? If you had your way and Conan's there and you can't avoid it, you have to do something with him. What are you gonna do? Yeah, let's get past the whole, don't meet your idols. We'll let that go. That's hurting our improv. That's gone. Okay. Let's pretend that we - Let's yes and - Okay, yes.

15:56If you and I were to meet in Buenos Aires and I took you out for a night to help you find a man, what would, where do you think we would go? Oh, I would pre-schedule a date, so that you can come with me and - Oh, that's good. I like that. Yeah. And so you'd be looking for a tall man who's older than you. Older. Yeah. Okay. Now, do you think I would be able to help you on this theoretical date? Oh, I'm hoping. At least it wouldn't be boring. Well, I mean, first of all, I don't want to crush the guy's ego. And so, do you know what I mean? If you go to, it's intimidating enough to me to - Conan, have you met middle-aged white men?

16:39Well, yes, I have. I spent 20 years with a middle aged white man. I was in his body. What are you talking about? Do their ego seem like fragile? I know, but you haven't been around white men when they see Conan O 'Brien up at the table. Sometimes they get a little rattled. It happens. So I would want to build him up, yes? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but he might not even, And this is going to be harder for me than it is for you. I know. You might not even know who you are. Lies! Lies! I've used, Conan, I've used that as a filter before. Silencio! Silencio, Cami! Silencio! Calle-te la boca!

17:25Calle-te la boca, Salatio! Trust me, guys. I've used that as a filter. You've used whether you know Conan O 'Brien or not as a filter? Oh. Oh, my God, Cami. This is your problem. This is your problem right here. That and the fact that you're wearing a skeletal hand around your neck. They don't know Conan O 'Brien. They don't know the love of my life, Larry David. Oh, you like Larry? The love of your life. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, of course. Would you be willing to meet Larry David? No. This is my ideal scenario for a date slash relationship. He's unwed in this scenario.

18:02This is my dream scenario, so I can do whatever I want. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. you identified yourself as idolizing me. And now within the course of like three minutes, tres minutos, you tossed me over for Larry David? Conan, it's different to idolize someone than to want to have a long-term relationship with them where you also never meet them. First of all, I've hung out with Larry David. I've hung out with Larry David. He's 76. He's 76. Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude. Oh, oh, oh. So Conan O 'Brien's a creep, because he just turned 60, but Larry David is 76, and he's all that and a bag of chips?

18:44Conan, I see you more like a very, very, very funny person I look forward, I look up to, and like more of a fatherly figure, but not old enough to be. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Where she sees Larry David as a sexy contemporary. You see me as a father figure, and you see Larry David as a potential lover? He's 16 years older than you. He's 16 years older than me. You did. Cammie, Cammie, Larry David could have legally driven me home from the hospital after I was born. And you're choosing him over me? You have a point. You have a point. You have a point. You have a point. Oh, my God. Point made. You have a point.

19:28But I haven't told you guys my dream scenario. Okay. Go ahead. I can't wait to hear it. Okay, let's hear the dream scenario. Okay, he's unwed in this dream scenario. And we're going to have a date, but we keep canceling on each other for all eternity. And that's how we're happily ever after. Wow. You're a very sick woman, Cami. Very, very sick woman. You say? Yes. No, infermo. Listen, I'm... Cami... First of all... I'm sorry, what's a marriage with no benefits got on this? Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I've spent time with Larry David, a lot of time, and he smells like cabbage. He just does.

20:07He has sort of a cabbage odor. We're just kind of going on each other over the phone, so. Okay. He has to be carried around. Did you know that? They use AI for the TV show. He has a large man carrying him everywhere and he has to be seated at most functions that I've been at with Larry David. I'm telling you, I think you're out of your mind. You know, I think you've gone. You might. I'm going to take this to therapy on Wednesday. You're going to what? She's going to take it to therapy. I'm going to take this subject to therapy on Wednesday. You have a point. Yeah. Please. Once again, you have a point.

20:41Talk about this. Well, listen, Cammie. Oh, man. There's a lot of stuff to unpack here. We may meet. We may not meet. But I am going to prove to you that I am the better potential mate than Larry David. I mean, I have to agree with you. But Conan, I don't want to go after Lisa. It's Liza. It's Liza, okay. Or Liza. And I shouldn't reveal this, but she walked out on me about four years ago. For Larry David. Yeah, she's living with Larry David.

21:16Apparently they're all really happy. It's a throuple. I've enjoyed talking - No, no, but you need to have a woman in between Liza and - I've asked her. Whatever. I've always wanted a woman in between. Oh, what? We called him what that's really good. He's back at the club. Oh no. You were on her case about the Spice Girls and this is, you're doing raise the roof? Who let the dogs out? Oh God. Who let the dogs out? You and I have the same musical taste. Everything begins and ends in 1994. for um cammy yeah sir cammy it's been pretty much lovely talking to you and don't be surprised if someday we do meet we may meet and um you'll see that meeting your idols it's not all it's cracked up to be and you'll really learn that if you bump into larry david if you're really talking yourself am i gonna meet sona then too well she can't leave the country because she's here illegally.

22:21That's not true. Thank you, Cammie. It's not true. You're right. Every time he has to see your papers, you say, I gotta go. Who has to see papers? What a weird way to ask for it. When was she at customs with you, Conan, when you were doing Conan without borders? Why wasn't she with me? Are you starting to understand now? No. She may not be let back in. But anyway, listen. I sponsored her here and We're waiting for a word from the consulate. Anyway, Cammie, it was very nice to meet you. You're quite the character. You have a sparkling personality, and I wish you all the best. I really do. And I see that you're falling in love with me as we speak.

23:07Oh, no. Or is that? That's probably gas. Got a burp or something. I don't. No, no, no. I'm probably falling in love with the three of you guys. Oh, you're into that. I didn't think I was that modern, you know, I didn't think I was that into weird couples of more than two people but You know, you're such a conservative woman with a Skeletized hand around you. She wants a couple extra skeleton hands on the necklace I don't I don't think I would be the finest conservative, but let's in this regard. Yeah Well as they say in Argentina Well, how do you say farewell? Did you say adios? How do you like to say it?

23:46We say ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Or goodbye. Ciao. We say ciao. Can you handle that one? I'm having to gooo-d-bye? I don't know how to do that. All right. Well, Cami, very nice to talk to you. And we love to do the, we'll talk, and then we'll never talk. We love that one. So we say, hablamos, nos vemos, or like, we'll see each other. Hablamos, hablamos, yeah. Homblemos. hablamos hablamos hablamos you know yeah exactly like that and then we never talk to each other all right take care god bless you too guys please keep doing the podcast for all eternity i'll listen to it with larry bye guys conan o 'brien needs a friend with conan o 'brien sona moufsesian and matt gorley produced by me Matt Gourley.

24:43Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

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