Conan’s Number One Fan

0:10Okay, normally this is a segment, Conan O 'Brien needs a fan, where I talk to anyone in the world, And then I realized, what are we doing? I mean, easily my two biggest fans are right in this room. What? I know what. When were you going to tell us this is what you were doing? I was going to tell you, and then I got distracted. We had Sun Chips, the sour cream and onion kind. Oh. And the, yeah, EB got Sun Chips. And so I had to eat about six bags as I was really quickly. You're saying this episode is your two biggest fans, Matt and Sona, And you're talking to those fans? Well, I think what I might do is focus on, clearly my biggest fan would be Sona.

1:05Oh my God. You've got an edge to you. Oh my God. Yeah. So Sona. What are you talking about? Sona, where are you calling from? What are you saying? Where are you calling from? I'm next to you. What are you doing? Yeah, but where are you next to me? Do you think this is, I'm trying to orient this. What do you think? I'm to your right. You're north of me, right? That's west, I believe. Is it west? Oh, it's very important we figure this out. Well, fans like to know. geographical. So you're sort of more west towards the ocean and I'm kind of, you know, more more inland. This is this is very stupid.

1:37How long have you been? You've been a fan for a long time, right? How long have you been watching? Wait, what are you talking about? What are you doing? Well, you watch the old shows, didn't you? I did watch the old shows. You watch them with your brother. Yeah. Well, thank you very much. I'm glad you're a fan. I don't want to accidentally compliment you. I don't like this. Okay. What are you doing? Let's try this. Hi, Sona. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. No, that makes it worse. What are we doing? So it says here in my notes that you're west of me. You don't have notes. You're looking at an empty legal pad.

2:09Well, those are sometimes the best. Sometimes the pads that say nothing say the most. It says here you're west of me that you live in Altadena. Is that correct? And you are married. You have two kids. You are their girl. godfather. It also says that. Yes. It says I'm their godfather. Yes. Yeah. And and they call me Uncle Coco. They call you Uncle Coco. Yeah. So you're a huge fan. I mean, this is a big talking about. So anyway, I was I was. Can I tell you one thing? You were my fan until you were my and then you quickly soured, didn't you? Yes. I mean, I didn't say I soured. I think I got to know you better.

2:50The real me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Not the idealized like, oh, look at that guy on TV. You know, that guy's a he's a hunk. What? You know, whatever. I look like the Winklevoss twins, you know, both. You look like both of them together. Yeah. Like but smushed together. Yeah. I look like. And if they had both if two army hammers from the social network had been smushed together. You think you look like the army hammer Winklevoss? I said smushed together. Okay. So imagine the cracking of bones and ligaments, the distortion of the two skulls. There'd be three eyes. I mean, so yes. Oh, man. I think it still holds up.

3:26But anyway. Oh, you guys were smart not to tell me about this. Yeah, we were very smart not to tell you. So how's it going, Sona? What's going on in your life? Oh, this is awful on so many levels. But what's happening in your life? Be honest. Nothing. Nothing's happening in my life. Everything's good with your parents? You're still helping look after the kids? Yeah, yes, yes. Mikey and Charlie. Mikey and Charlie, my boys. They're two and a half. All right. Do you have a question for Conan? Yeah. Oh, fuck you, Matt. Fuck you. I'm just glad he centered on you. Fuck all of you. You guys had a conversation about this?

3:55We just thought it would be fun. You guys, like, talked to each other. Let's just tell the truth. We couldn't get a fan episode in time for this release date, so we just had to come up with something. This is like when Kumail didn't show up. Yes. Let me be honest. There's a ton of fans in the queue. We just didn't technically put it together today. I don't know who's at fault. I'm not going to throw Eduardo into the bus. It totally was. By the way, it wasn't Eduardo. But just by me suggesting it could have been Eduardo. I like the turn on Eduardo suddenly. What do you do for a living, Sona? Yeah, what do you do for a living?

4:29That's actually a pretty good question. You help out with the podcast. You're very good and the fans love you. That's very nice. But what about the day-to-day assisting of Conan O 'Brien? You know the answer to this question. Which is what? You're shouting. That I don't do. I know, I'm sorry. Can I just please, if you're driving right now, lower the volume. I agree. I have my headphones. So angry. I'm pumping off my head. So many different levels. I am an angry human being right now. No, but. This sucks because you're setting me up to say I don't do anything for you as an assistant anymore. That's not true.

4:58I'm just trying to find, like any good policeman, I'm trying to get to the truth. You don't do this with the actual fans. That's true. Well, here's what I will say. Here's what I will say. And this was my, this was what I did that was really smart. I was your assistant for so long and I really like made myself a part of your life that you can't get rid of me. First of all, I'll make it clear. I don't want to. But also let's say tomorrow, which is very likely I suddenly need to change my mind and decide Sona's got to go. There's absolutely nothing I can do. No, your phone is under my name. Oh, of course.

5:31I have everything in my life. I shouldn't say that. Now I'll get hacked by the Russians. You think that's what's stopping me from getting hacked? But no, I swear to God, on my driver's license, it says Sonam Obsession. And then it says six foot four, 200 pounds, blue eyes, red hair. Oh my God. Sonam Winklevoss O 'Brien. What's the obsession with the Winklevoss train? No, I just threw that out there. I have a random machine in my brain. I know, you do. You really do. I do think of you as a fan and you don't have to freak out about it because I know... I feel like you have to ask her permission to say that.

6:12I'm good. So... I know you're a fan, and usually I reach out to people who live far from me. You do. I mean, Altadena, quite far. It's not that far. I've driven to your house from my house. I had to change my currency three times. Oh, God. The currency thing. The currency thing. It's either the passport thing or the currency thing with you. Oh, yeah, passport. You know, I bet you get home before he does when we leave this place. I bet it's closer. Probably. Probably. I probably do. That's not even a joke. Like, I think you have this thing about Altadena because it's up in the mountains. It's not that far away.

6:48It is beautiful. I love Altadena. When I made it there, when I got there, and like many of my ancestors, it was a long journey. Don't compare yourself to people escaping the potato famine. How many of your team did you lose when you went to Altadena? Oh, half the ship. Half the ship didn't make it. But when I saw the Lady Liberty's torch as I approached Altadena Harbor, Altadena Harbor, I'm stretching this for all I could. I remember saying, we're here, we're here. I miss my home, but this is my home now. That's what I said. You had an accent? What is that accent? They Americanized your name, remember?

7:26Yeah, they did. That accent sounds like when you try to talk about my mom. My name was Peter Smith, but they changed it to Conan O 'Brien. What is it? Peter Smith? Oh, you Irish, you Irish chimp. You're Conan O 'Brien from now on. You know what I've noticed is that when you guys are in a, like, yeah, okay, we didn't have anybody lined up. And then you're like, Sona can do it, which is what you did for the Kumail Nanjiani episode. Kumail couldn't show. And then we had you come on and people loved it. Yeah, but don't you ever think, hey, Sona might not like not being prepared even a little bit for this.

8:03That's funny. I don't even think I thought for a second about you or your feelings. What about you? Did you think about it, Matt? About her feelings? Yeah. I guess I didn't. Yeah. Oh, thanks, Matt. And you know what's so nice? It's incredible when you, it's just so relaxing not to think about and worry about someone else's feelings. You just glide through life. There's no friction, you know? Why am I on Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan when I'm not, like, you know, No, come on. Come on, I'm gonna be, can I be sincere for a second? I don't know why I made that noise. Can I be sincere for a second? I get scared about sincere.

8:35I know, so can I be sincere? Hey, look, can I talk about vaginas real quick? I'm so frightened. They're monstrous.

8:47Sincerity and vaginas. There's two things that scare you. Oh, God, if you sincerely talk about a vagina right now. Yeah. Oh, my God. Can I speak about a vagina sincerely? Connor O 'Brien turned into a puddle of ooze today. It was rushed to the hospital where he was reanimated. His two Winklevibes smashed into each other.

9:16No, it was just sort of a jokey idea because we have a lot of people and we thought, you know, oh, come on, let's just talk to Sona. I love that you have to be like, no, no, we have people who are fans. I do have six fans left in the world. The truth is we couldn't find one. Yeah, we you know what? We scoured the globe. Oh, man, that's too bad. I'm sorry. I am actually a fan of yours. Thank you. There you go. I was a very big fan. Which didn't come across when I first hired you. I think you were very cool about that. You kept your cards close to your chest. Well, yeah. I mean, you kind of have to.

9:49But I don't know if I ever told you that. People would ask me what I was going to do after I worked at NBC. And I was like, I'm going to work for Conan O 'Brien. And I just said it very like. Then you said it loudly in a restaurant and I heard you. And I said, you bet you are. Because that's how needy I am.

10:06yeah yeah and then i started working for you so but how but how are things everything's good i mean you should tell you can talk about your life i can't i don't have i i always talk about my life i have no problems talking about it yeah everything's really you know what the other day you know what i did what i went to a movie in the middle of the day and you never get to do that because you've got twins those kids are now at an age are they two and a half or three they're two Two and a half. They're two and a half years old. And they're very healthy, rambunctious boys. You send me the most hilarious videotapes.

10:37Yeah. She sends me these tapes from her phone. Videotapes? Sorry. What the fuck? Sona sends me these three quarter inch tapes. Betamax. Yeah, Betamax. And what she does is she takes it on her phone and then out of kindness, because she knows I'm old, she has them transferred to giant, and I have an old three quarter inch machine. From 1985. So anyway, God bless you for doing that. And then I have it converted to 16 millimeter. Oh my God. No, she sends the most hilarious iPhone videos of her kids. And they're a two person wrecking crew. They are. They need a lot of attention. And it looks a lot like a Three Stooges short.

11:18The Three Stooges, it's usually the same idea. Fancy person in a nice house lets the Three Stooges in for reasons that I've never understood. and they come in, they go, don't worry, lady, we'll fix it up real good. And then they take out hammers and smash everything. All of your videos look like that. It's your two boys with large sticks and shovels just smashing the wall. And you're kind of in the background, you're holding the camera and you're laughing. I am. You're not stopping. I've given up, I think. And I, well, this one day we stopped recording pretty early and then I had my parents already coming to help.

11:53So I got high and went and saw a movie. What movie did you see? I would like to not mention the movie okay do you go to a triple x theater no yeah I watched porn in the middle of the day can you still do that can you go to I got some videotapes is it quarter inch but I want to watch porn with other people can they do that still you guys would know you mean like have friends over no I mean like go to a theater where you know the people jerk it you guys would know No, I never, I have never. I mean, yes, I remember growing up in Boston, there was an area called the Combat Zone. And once my dad, you know this, right?

12:36The sort of triple X theater area was called the Combat Zone. And once we were all kids and my grandmother was living with us and she used to do this habit of, she had this habit, we called her Maudie. She would look out the window and you'd be driving through and she would just, she was getting older and she would just out loud read the different signs. like mass turnpike, you know, and she would say things. My dad gets is who was a little trouble with like me. I inherited it. So I'm not putting this on him. But he took some wrong turns and we were stuck in traffic in the combat zone. I remember my grandmother going like Debbie does Dallas X, X, X.

13:21And no one, of course, can say anything like Monty, don't do because no one can acknowledge what's happening. But yeah, I knew that those theaters existed, but I never, ever went into one. I just I don't want to mention the movie because it was really bad. OK. And you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Even when I was high, it was I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Your bar is so low. It's still really low. It's gotten worse because now I'm really into young adult movies that are based on fan fiction. Usually I know it's so bizarre. It's a very tiny little niche thing. And I have no time to watch movies.

13:55And when I do, I watch these awful ones. And I know they're bad. And I watch them multiple times, too. Sona? Okay, well, hey, this brings up a good question. Are you okay? Should you be hospitalized? I just don't want to think, I think. And those movies don't make you think. You know, we do have a very loyal and creative fan base. Is there fan fiction? and should there be fan fiction around our podcast? Oh, are you talking erotic fan fiction? Well, I mean, I would prefer erotic, but I'll go with it. No, you wouldn't. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm saying just fan fiction in general. Well, you know, there's different kinds of fan fiction.

14:35They could create a universe within this universe or just use us as characters in a completely different story, which is like what they did with Fifty Shades, with the Twilight cast. The whole story was different. go on an adventure, you know, find an old relic or something. Yeah. Like a Goonies with the three of us. Yes. You don't. Do you even like the Goonies? I have appreciated that it is the Citizen Kane of your generation. Come on. That's such a. You're. The Goonies is a real divisive film, depending on how old you are. And I was the age of the Goonies when it came out. So it's big for me.

15:09It's big for anyone after that. But before it, it's not. Yeah. I saw it with Greg Daniels when it came out. We were both writers. And so we were not supposed to be seeing the Goonies. We were like 23. And I was annoyed that all the kids talk at the same time. That's how kids are. That's what they do. I know, but it's supposed to be a heightened reality. Real conversations often go nowhere, but we try to heighten that in theater and film. You are the opposite of me in that you dislike most things. That's not true. I think that is true. I think you dislike most of the movies and you'd be like, it's going to be a heightened reality.

15:49It's called the Goonies for fuck's sake. My name is Lord Snibble Dobble. Yes, what you got? I don't know if you want to know this, but once you know something, you can't unknow it. Yep. There is Conan and Jordan fan fiction. Oh. Is it erotic? It is. Oh. And I have it here. I don't remember writing this.

16:15I'll just set it up. Okay. It's called, it's called on an evening in Roma dot, dot, dot. And the summary is what happened after Conan and Jordan left the Italian restaurant. Ah, got it. That's all. You know what? Who wrote that? Can we interview that person too? One day? I think we could do that. We could do that or we could interview you again. Yeah. I would like to see you and Jordan do the lady in the tramp, you know, Italian noodle meal thing. Oh yes. We both, we, We slurp to the middle. That's sweet. Recreate something. Is that your fan fiction? Your erotic fan fiction is just casually - It would recreate a moment I had with Matt O 'Brien in front of Hanson.

16:55Remember that? Yes, I do remember that. I forget what we were eating, but we were both eating one end of something. Red licorice. Red licorice. And we started to get towards the middle. And then I was like, kiss me, kiss me. And Hanson's watching. And we're in an Oklahoma City theater. It was in Tulsa. Oh yeah. And it was you, I'm sorry, Tulsa, Oklahoma. You, Matt, me, and Hanson. And we were the only people in the room. And we started chewing and we started getting closer. And of course, I'm just, as we get closer to Matt or Brian, I'm just like, we're gonna kiss. And he's like, no. And I'm like, yes.

17:30And we start getting closer and Hanson's watching these lovely young men who I think are religious. Anyway, this has been a fun. I think this was great. Yeah. Wait, we're done? Yeah, we're done. I actually started to have fun once I realized what was going on. Yeah. Well, see, sometimes. I do have a question. Oh, yeah. Do you have a question for Conan O 'Brien? Yeah. Can I get a raise? Oh, wait, I have a question, too. Yeah, sure. Can I get a raise? Sure. Can I get paid? Yes. You know what? I forgot that you guys were out here on a sort of an intern voluntary basis. Oh, no. We will. I will see to it.

18:06Yes. Raises for everyone. Okay. Said the guy with no real authority. I'm trying to think of the actual question. for everyone. Raisins? You're going to listen really closely and Eduardo's going to say, I slowed it down. He says raisins. All right. Thank you, Sona. Very nice to meet you. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by Eduardo Perez Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded