Couldn’t Have Done It Without Me

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Etta. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello, Etta. Hi, I'm really excited to be here. How are you, Etta? I'm doing well. I'm doing super well. Where are you right now? It's really hot. Where are you? I'm in Los Angeles. Oh, yes. Well, then I can confirm it really is hot. It is. Too hot. I like your space that you're in. That looks very cool and sort of inviting. Where is this a special nook in your house, apartment? What's going on? This is my bedroom. Oh, very cool. I like the lights you have hanging and looks like you've got some cool, I don't know, doesn't that look like a place where you could meditate?

0:48Yeah, I like the organization. I love the lights. I like that door. Thank you. Yeah. And you got a shout out for J Dilla Donuts going on your shirt. Yeah. I just wanted to repeat that so that maybe you get some free donuts. It's an album. It's a hip hop producer. That's a producer? Yeah. Oh, it's a dead hip hop producer? and I thought I was going to get you, Edda, I thought I was getting you free donuts. And now I come across as the most out of touch old man ever. Oh, I want to check out these J Della donuts. I wonder if they have coconut. No, Eduardo, you stepped in. Oh my God. And I'm not feeling well.

1:29Can I get a meeting with Dr. Dre? He also died in like the early 2000s. So he's not really like new. Okay, listen, Etta, what you're doing right now is piling on. It's very rude. We like it. When other pack animals attack Conan, it's common for others. He's twisting the knife. Yeah, good. You just jump in there. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Etta. Well, I am a trans woman. I work in a detox and a sober living that caters to the LGBT community. and I'm from Oklahoma, but I moved to Tucson and then moved here. Okay. Yeah. Did you get involved in all of this because you had your own struggles with addiction?

2:16Yes. Yes. So I have been trying to get sober for about six years. That's why I moved to Tucson. I went to a treatment center in Prescott, Arizona, like Northern Arizona, and was planning on staying there for a three-month program and I stayed there for two years because I left and was going to go back to Oklahoma. But my friend who I met in treatment was like, I could get you a place to stay in Tucson if you want. And I was like, okay. I went to Tucson and was there for two years. How did the, you said six years, you seem really young. So how? I am 26. Okay, so you've been working on this since you were 20?

3:03Since I was 19. Since you were 19. I have a year and a half, almost a year and a half sober right now. Congratulations. Nice job. That is amazing. Thank you. I think that is. And do you mind sharing with us what was it, the substances that you were, or substance that you were struggling with? So first I did, I mean, I started smoking weed when I was like 14. I did that. I hated it. absolutely hated it did it every day for seven years and hated every second of it and then when i was like maybe like when i was when i was around 19 i gotta get up and smoke this weed what a strange thing to say did you have a job smoking weed yeah i worked at the weed factory i was the weed inspector tester yeah no i was the weed tester yeah cool so no wishes no i know When I was in high school, I realized I was homeschooled and it was really, really hard for me to fit in.

4:01I started school in middle school and I realized pretty soon that people weren't going to people didn't like me for me because I was super weird. And I realized that if I did really outrageous things, people would want to be around me just because I was entertaining. so it started with like getting in trouble in school a lot and then doing drugs was like seemed like a logical way to do that so i didn't actually do drugs because i liked them right at first i just did it because i could be like the weird druggie kid right in a way it almost feels like it insulates you kind of yeah yeah it was like i just leaned into being weird because i was like I'm going to be weird either way.

4:46So it's like if I'm doing it on purpose, then I have like a, I can say it's intentional. Yeah. And then what did you, I'm guessing you graduated from weed to something else. Yeah. So after that, it was like opioids, like hydrocodone, Oxycontin, pharmaceuticals, Xanax. I had a thing with Xanax for about two months. I did really 10 milligrams a day for two months, which if you know anything about Xanax is a lot. Two milligrams is the maximum prescribed dose. So I pretty much lost two months of my life. Just don't remember really much at all. And then I went from that to Oxycontin and then from that to heroin.

5:28Oh, my God. And then from heroin to fentanyl. I did fentanyl for about two years. and you've been again you said you've been clean for a year and a half yep off fentanyl yes that is incredibly i mean uh just what little i know is that that is uh in a remarkable achievement and so i'm really impressed i'm really impressed you were able to do that because all i've heard is that it's, these opioids are a thousand times stronger than heroin. And that's a drug that people struggled with, you know, to, to get off of. So you should, you should really pat yourself on the back. Um, thank you. I, yeah, I, I, I can't cause I have a, a rotate, a torn rotator cuff.

6:17So I just have to tell myself I'm great. Um, but, uh, that is absolutely, uh, what an amazing achievement. And, you know, anything I know about this, uh, about addiction is that this is something you've got to go at every day, right? This is, it's not just, well, I took care of that. And now I don't have to think about it again. Uh, this is something you, the commitment you have to make every day when you wake up. It is. Yeah. And, um, I had to learn that like really hard way. It took six years. And when I first started doing heroin, I was like, this is fun. It's cool and edgy being like my being like a rock star.

7:01But then I'm just gonna stop and you know, it'll be fine. And little did I know, that's not really how addiction works. Yeah. Yeah. But honestly, I mean, I think, you know, there's no way to know, but I feel like I'm a stronger, better person now for having overcome that than I would have been if I had never done it. So I'm grateful for the. I mean, first of all, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're alive because there are plenty of people that don't do not survive that. And you seem like a remarkably cool, nice person. So I'm just thrilled that you made it through that. And I think it's for people listening, it's really important for them to know there are a lot of people out there struggling and who are struggling with addiction and to be listening and think, hey, wait a minute, Etta did this and maybe I can do this.

7:59And, you know, I'm just, I'm blown away by the, what it must, the resilience and struggle that it must take to get through this. It's very cool. thank you yeah i appreciate it it was really hard today you know it's not like i i go much longer periods of time where i don't think about it and i don't think about like using but um that's uh that's risky in its own way because it like you said it is something that i have to like maintain every day and i'm kind of in a place like i've been talking to people recently about how i'm I'm in a place where I feel like I could get by for a couple months right now, like just on inertia and just like stop doing everything that I do for my recovery.

8:46But it wouldn't last more than like a month or two. And with the way drugs are right now, like, I mean, the last the last like three out of the last four times I relapsed, I was Narcan because I overdosed. And then one of the most recent ones, I did not get Narcan and I survived by a miracle. And I've actually been Narcan by homeless people on the street in Los Angeles on two non-consecutive occasions. Oh my God. My life was saved by... I want to tell people that this, anyone who doesn't know, I'm sure most people do know, but it's really incredible. there's this program now and I know that my kids have been educated in this too through their schools like they're trying to get everyone to have Narcan on them because there are so many people that are succumbing to these opioids that they want to train you in how to use the Narcan if someone looks like they're ODing and the fact that you are just lying in the street in Los Angeles yep yep and they saved your life yeah they're my life do you ever wonder and this is really getting deep we don't have to go there but it's clear later on and I'm sure this is a big part of recovery is trying to figure out when people use it to maybe not deal with something or hide from some kind of pain.

10:24And you talked about feeling like an outsider growing up. Do you think that's the kind of, was that what this was about? Do you think was trying to avoid or is that just too easy? Is that too easy to say? That is often the case. That is very often the case. I think like with the opioid epidemic, there's been more people who just get prescribed them because of a sports injury. And then, but for the most part, like the people that I know, it is. And because I, so I work in a, like I said, in a treatment center that caters to the LGBT community. And it's very, very bad in the LGBT community. Why is that, do you think?

11:09Discrimination, for sure. There's a lot of LGBT homeless people. and homelessness often either drug addiction can lead to homelessness or vice versa. So that's a big thing. And then also there's a lot of meth use in the LGBT community, which I was really surprised when I came here because like Oklahoma, I thought of meth as being kind of like the hillbilly drug. But here and in a lot of places, because sex is so is often like a very heavy thing for LGBT people because of like discrimination and meth is a very, very strong aphrodisiac. so I've talked to a lot of particularly gay men who say they were unable to feel comfortable having sex until they started doing meth so that's caused a lot of pain in the LGBT community that's fascinating I mean I had no idea that's I mean it's it's sad to think of so many people who are so unhappy you know and you talk about And you talk about when you were a kid feeling like you were an outsider, you know, feeling like you didn't.

12:32I mean, to be honest, it's very hard to get through early adolescence and adolescence without feeling. Like, actually, I think, Sona, you probably felt. I always think of Sona as someone who always probably felt pretty cool. I know I definitely felt. I did. I know. But I did not. I think it's probably no surprise. I've built my entire comedic career on letting people know that I was quite, I just didn't know how I fit into the whole puzzle for a long time. And so that's, and like I say, everyone has that in different degrees, but that's really where, I don't know, I can very much relate to people that are just trying to figure that out and feeling, you know, like an outsider.

13:24yeah it's hard and for me like i like i said i was homeschooled so starting school in sixth grade was really hard in public school i went to like an art school so it wasn't as bad as it could have been but um it was really hard and then adding on to that my gender and being a trans girl who didn't i didn't really know that i was and i didn't know why i like didn't feel okay with myself until I was like much older. So yeah, I mean, like I said, it started as just like a way to get people to think I was like crazy and like cool, but it pretty quickly turned, especially when I started using like stronger substances, it pretty quickly turned into like, wow, I feel comfortable for the first time ever in my life.

14:14And it's a powerful thing. Yep. That's, yeah. What do you, what's your day today then? What are you going to, you say that you're working at a treatment, is it a residential treatment facility? Yeah, it's a detox center and residential. So what's your day? What are you going to be doing today? Well, today I am going to be playing a shit ton of video games because I'm off. I took the day off for this. Are you going to have any J Dilla donuts? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just think, you know, this I really admired you at up until you said that. And then I was like, I'm kidding. You're doing exactly what my son.

14:57I admire her more. My son, anytime there's downtime is like, well, I'm going to I'll see you in nine hours. I've got some games to play. So so you'll be playing a lot of video games today. Yeah. But tomorrow I will be working. And it's a great job. It's really intense. I do rounds. That's like the biggest part of my job. I have to know and write down exactly where all of the clients are at every 15 minutes for the first 24 hours. Then every 30 minutes. Oh, my God. And then every hour for residential clients. 30 minutes for detox. So I have to walk around and write it down. It's not that hard because it's a really small facility.

15:47It's just a house and there's only six clients max. So it's not too bad, but it's very important that I do it because it's a state regulation. And if I'm even a minute late, that could be like a ding against the center. So it's a lot of responsibility. And then besides that, I just like I tidy up. I make sure everybody gets up on time and go to groups. Not go to groups, but make sure everybody goes to groups, except me. And then I go home. I hear you playing video games in the next room. Okay, get in there and cash this out. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Doei, doei, doei. What kind of video games are you guys picturing right now?

16:34I'm the guy that thought J. Doe a Donuts was an actual donuts place. These are like Atari games. Yeah, Space Invaders. Yeah. I'm sorry. Welcome to Korgar. You have found the Gorgelstone. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm sorry. Are they playing Pong in your mind? I mean, like, do you think she's just sort of like sitting there playing Atari games? I don't know. I don't know. Etta, you're much cooler than I will ever be. So I should just stop talking because you seem to know what's going on. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew. Well, thank you. um etta i'm uh i know it's it's weird thing to say because i don't know you but i'm i'm proud of you i really am i think you've your journey when you just describe uh i mean coming from oklahoma and just just your what you've managed to overcome and all the work you've done finding your way is incredibly impressive and you have you have shown an incredible amount of resilience and strength and courage and you should be very very proud of yourself it's very cool thank you i appreciate that i am i mean i i think the community and um the program that i work um i owe that a lot of credit but i also you know couldn't have done it without me you know i had I had to do a lot of work.

18:02Yeah. I had to be willing. So thank you. I am really proud of where I've gotten. Well, have an amazing day. Have a really good day. Enjoy playing Pong, Space Invaders. Asteroids. Asteroids. Ms. Pac-Man, which is, I think, the latest game to come out. And I'm going to do my best to try and make it at least into the early 2000s in my education about video games. So cool to meet you, Etta. Thank you. Really, really, really excited to meet you, too. All right, you take care. Bye-bye. Thank you. Thanks. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

18:51Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Dliau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

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