Danny McBride Returns

24:03That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Conan for free shipping and 365 day returns. It's quince.com slash Conan.

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25:43I do think one of the things that made The Righteous Gemstones just so great was you knew your subject. You understood these people. And also, I always sense there's affection there, too. Like, I don't think it works to make a comedy about people if you just think they're stupid and loathsome. And that's not what you did. You had a real understanding and affection for these people and found them ridiculous, but also understood them at the same time. Does that make sense? It does make sense. And I think we were. That is what we were trying to do. And I think we extended to a lot of the stuff from even, you know, Eastbound to Vice Principals.

26:28It's sort of, you know, we know that we're not dealing with like the best examples of mankind. And, uh, but I think that it's fun to treat them still with, uh, with a little bit of empathy and even giving them enough depth. So, you know, there's layers there. I think it, I think when comedy is written where there is such a disdain for what you're joking about, it can kind of become boring. I think it becomes more unexpected if you're confused as the audience of where you even kind of sit with this person. Yeah. I think, I mean, I talk about this now. I do think it's very tricky. You always have to have a blend in comedy.

27:02If you're just thinking about the comedy and obviously we're very divided right now in this country and people are yelling at each other a lot and it's very vitriolic. And I think sometimes that, I don't know, it just makes comedy. If you want to talk about it or portray it in any way, the only way to do it is to show some nuance and empathy for a different point of view. but that's not what a lot of people are interested in yeah that makes sense it totally makes sense then the thing is when everyone is kind of like on both sides are angry about the same exact stuff it also just makes any comment you're making sort of feel redundant like people it's like well traveled paths you know so i do think when you can find that nuance you you probably have a better shot of actually like making people think if it's not something that they've been shouted out about over and over again.

27:51The, what's interesting, another thing that's interesting to me is that you, you came to be known through comedy and hugely successful in comedy, but you've also carved out time to do these other things. You, you were a huge force behind the Halloween franchise, the reboots. And it's so fascinating to me because I've always thought there's a weird, like a, sometimes they people say or i've said many people have said it there's a symbiosis between comedy and music like a lot of comedians also love music and there's some kind of weird parallel i also think there's something going on between comedy and horror there's some they're very different but also there are things about them that aren't that different because it's all about surprise exactly i think you're you're with both of them you're structuring an experience you know With a joke, you obviously want to pace things out so that the punchline gets the biggest laugh.

28:53And I think it's the same way with those scares. You think about how, oh, we'll make them a little scared here, and then we'll let them off the hook here, and then we'll hit them here. So I think there is a little bit of that is similar, is the architecture of trying to make sure you get the result that you're going for. Also, I mean, if you look at Jordan Peele, his work, if you look at Obsession, if you look at Weapons, a lot of these people got their chops in comedy. and then you know when i was watching weapons last year and and one of the reasons that i really wanted to do something with it on the oscars was that that character of aunt gladys is to me a comedy character and there's so much of the movie that's kind of funny at the same time and it's that weird that's that razor thin line between this is hilarious and this is horrifying Yeah.

29:51And many times when I've been trying to be funny in my career, I've been horrified.

29:58But and if I tried to, you know, frighten any guy, I think they would just start laughing. So but there's something going on there. And so it must have been a great creative outlet for you. Clearly, it was. It was a lot of fun. You know, that was Jason Blum had come to David Green about adapting that. And, you know, David Green and I have gone to college. We went to college together. We've known each other for a really, really long time. And, you know, he came to me and was like, I think I might do this. Would you want to help me? I'm like, no way. You shouldn't relaunch Halloween. It's a terrible idea.

30:31I love Halloween. Don't do that. But then as we were thinking about it, I was like, well, I mean, if someone's going to, why don't we give it a shot and let's see if we could. And yeah, it was honestly, it was like unreal. It was so funny to be sitting there like writing on that script and you're just writing, you know the shape walks into the room you know you're gonna i was formed in that movie my babysitter made me watch it when i was five with the lights out and so to like do away with all those sequels that in their own way i love but to come back the way you guys did with the 2018 one oh it was like closure for me thank you the whole experience was awesome not only getting to do that but even you know we had to go through steps of approval to do it like david and i had to go to John Carpenter's house and pitch him what we wanted to do.

31:16And it was sort of like, I've never really been nervous about pitching an idea ever. I mean, it's just like, oh, they don't like it. They don't like it. But suddenly as we're like knocking on his door, it's like, oh God, I think I'll be crushed if he doesn't like what this idea is. This is insane. And so we, you know, I'm meeting him and pitching him this idea of like, we, we have an idea of what we want to do with something you've made. It was all of a sudden like, what are the balls of us? What are we thinking we should never have this great it was awesome but then you know we once we got his approval we sent it to uh to jamie lee curtis to because obviously it wouldn't work without her in it and uh yeah when she called back and was like yeah i want to do this i mean green and i are just looking at each other like what is going on i mean it was it was insane and when it premiered at uh at tiff i think it might have been the most proud i've ever been of anything that we've done i mean I was so nervous of what that reception was going to be for that one because I'm there with them.

32:10I'm a fan of this. It meant a lot. And I just really wanted it to work for the other fans. And I remember watching that and just my stomach was in knots. I wasn't like eating for like two days leading up to it. And we're sitting there. And when it got to the last half where they're like in the house with them and everybody in the theater is like cheering and applauding. I was just like, oh, God. Yes. Yes. I'm going to live. it was it was awesome it was so much fun yeah i also think writing how someone gets killed yeah would be kind of fascinating because there is a real art to it you know just just if if a character just gets killed well that's you know gets gets shot it's boring it's trying to think of these inventive ways that are sometimes 50 comedy yeah the way someone you know and you watch these movies as they're competing with each other to do it in a more interesting way there's the scene at the rest stop when michael myers comes in and just drops teeth on the ground from it's harrowing well yeah i think that idea about the teeth dropping it might have even And I might be remembering it wrong, but I feel like it was our location, our buddy who works in locations who had that idea.

33:28And so that's the other thing is you're working on a, you know, if you're on a comedy, sometimes you'll get jokes from people sitting around like, oh, you should say this. Like, oh, it's not bad. When people suggest things like he should drop the teeth, you're like, great idea, but also keep an eye on this dude. That is fucked up.

33:45Yeah. Yeah. Where'd you come up with that idea?

33:54sometimes i don't know i don't want to talk about it i mean i want to take the credit yeah um that's fantastic yeah i i uh it just occurred to me that it would be i don't know be really funny to shoot a short thing where it's you going to john carpenter's house to pitch him and he doesn't really like the idea but you hang around and then you use all the tropes from horror movies, like he goes into the kitchen at night and opens the refrigerator door, and then when he shuts it, you're right there. And you're like, I just really think, I told you I don't want to do it! The pitch. It's called The Pitch.

34:33Season of The Pitch. You just keep... I don't let it go. I become his dog. Yeah, it's all the stuff. Exactly, it's all the stuff that has been used a million times. I'm always amazed now when people use some of those tropes that have been used way too many times and they don't put a spin on it. Like, really? That's why we're talking about Widow's Bay. There's a slasher episode and a moment with a shotgun that you wish you'd seen in slasher movies for decades and you finally see it and it's wonderful. Widow's Bay is, I mean... I can't wait to see it. Everyone I know loves it. Well, here's what it is.

35:09I have that on my list. Here's what I... They're doing something new on that show, um which is it's not a comedy it's horror and there's comedy but they've got this ratio it's like they invented this cocktail yeah it's kind of perfect and i don't think anyone's done quite that yet that's great and they they they do i think one of the real brilliant things about the show is they'll get the tension up to this highest pitch and then they'll always deflate it in this kind of humiliating way but then get the pitch right back again and without giving anything away but there's just one point where there's a there's like a demon and the main character math matthew reese has gone in to to talk to the demon and this other woman says you got to go in there and talk to the demon so he goes in and he's starting to talk to the demon and it's like knife's edge tense.

36:08And then the door just opens. She goes, I forgot my purse. And the demon and Matthew Rhys, wait a second while she gets her purse and she backs out. You're like, who the fuck does that? Who does that? It's great. Anyway, I don't know why we're plugging this show that neither one of us is involved in. But Widow's Bay, you're a genius. I just have to give a shout out. Katie Dippold is the mind behind Widow's Bay. I think she's brilliant and she's a former intern on our show and she's I she's brilliant she's done a ton of other work but I think Widow's Bay is her masterpiece and also while we're talking about other people's work I think Hyundai makes an incredible oh boy they've come a long way

36:57um uh let's talk about this book because Thrilling Tales of Modern Men And I know that this is a theme you've worked on for a while in your work over the years, which is men kind of trying to confront maybe a world that's passed them by or men who feel, well, you're going to describe it better than I am. No, no, you keep going. I want to hear how you describe it. No, you're totally right. Men like me who are masculine and never lose.

37:29I'm gonna do oh actually I can read from a New York Times review oh okay this is shit it says no I'm kidding elementary it's a very oh I hadn't read that one yet oh no this is the New York Times what a piece of shit shitty shitty shitty shit what the hell my mom wrote that I thought this was in my toilet but it wasn't no it's a book no New York Times review some of the stories fit neatly into the canon of wounded protagonists who lash out others tip toward a quieter emotional depth uh albeit laced with obscenity and the occasional violent outburst they're all undeniably the work of a storyteller interested in entertaining while also poking at what at what makes men tick and then go boom which is yeah i'd buy that book you'd write that i don't to because i don't have to because you gave me one for free um not for free i need i need the benmo it's coming it's coming because i'm real good with tech um but this comes out of like you're very you're so good and i'm going back to even if you know your first work uh foot fist way and through everything you've done at, and also, you know, Donald Duck, like people who are, you know, assertive male characters that are also pissed off and frustrated because things aren't working out.

38:57And that seems to be this area that you love exploring. And now you've got this really terrific book of short stories that tackles that. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's an extension. I feel like, like what you were saying about the the work I've done in TV, like this kind of came to me because I really just wanted to see, could I do that and deliver that same experience, that same vibe, the same level of, uh, storytelling? Could I do it in a totally different format? And that was kind of why I entered this. And, you know, even the way the stories are sort of structured, like they start in essence with like a cold open and the title of the story, like comes up later in the story.

39:32And, uh, so it was kind of a way of me sort of trying to translate what I, I mean, I've written at this point, like over 80 episodes of TV. Yeah. And so it trains your brain to work in a certain way when it comes to storytelling. And I was just trying to use some of the stuff I learned doing that to just put it into a totally new endeavor. Also, it feels too like if you're writing episodic television, as you have, you know, brilliantly over the years, you've got these characters, you want to get multiple seasons and you set up your own rules and you set up who your, you know, protagonists are and your side characters.

40:06And then that's what you've got to work with over and over and over and over again. And with a project like this, you can have an idea, explore it in a short story. And then pivot and say, okay, I'm done with that. Now it's going to be about a robot. Now it's going to be about a magician who's suspended in a box in a mall and gets in over his head. Now it's going to be about a sitcom actor who takes revenge on the coyote that killed his pet. Like you, you, you're working in a shorter form, but you can go, you can go nuts, which is great. You can go nuts. And, you know, Gemstones, I was writing on that for, you know, seven years, basically.

40:53And it was so much fun. And it was fun writing for all those characters. And that world that we established was a ton of fun. And it's weird, you know, like when you've, when you've worked that long on something, once it's over, it is like almost like a breakup. It's like getting over a relationship or something that I wanted to write more, but I felt like I ain't trying to get into anything too serious. I just need, I need to get in and out. I just need some short stories. You know, I felt like I couldn't like commit myself to telling a story that was going to take that much time, you know? And so the idea was like, I think there's just a lot of stories I want to tell.

41:25And this allowed that to happen where you didn't have to think of the story of like, well, will this have legs for four years? Well, this, you know, when you tell this one episode, it has to connect to six other episodes that tell a story. It's like you could enter it, start it, and take it to completion in one sitting. And, yeah, it was a lot of fun. And I think after writing so much TV, it was, yeah, it was just sort of a cleanse that I needed. Well, now, is this, what is your process? I know it sounds like a boring question, but to me, it's fascinating. Do you write these stories here and there?

42:02to just sit down to write a collection of short stories? You know, I started the, I think there's only like maybe one or two of them that are from this, but how I even began even writing in this format was when we were writing Vice Principals, it was, we wrote both of those seasons in one year. So it was one solid year of just working on that morning, noon, and night. And it was, I was about, I think about five months in, I was feeling that thing. I'm like, oh, I love these guys, but fuck, I have to do more with these guys today. You're locked in a room mentally. with these few characters. And you're just trying, it becomes a puzzle figuring it all out.

42:36And I was just sort of like, the idea of anything else felt appealing. So I just start, I start this thing where in the morning before I'd go into the writer's room, I would just freehand write like anything I wanted. And I would just get to about three or four pages and I would stop it. And I had no ambitions for what any of it would be. It didn't have to be anything. I didn't have to continue the same story. Just whatever idea I wanted to, I would just let myself write that. And I did that for the rest of that year. I ended up filling up like four books full of just all this stuff. And I put it away and didn't go back to any of it.

43:07And it really did kind of help my brain as I was writing by scrunchies. It helped me exercise different ideas and get things out and kind of stay excited when I would go into the writer's room. And then I guess it was around 2020, I just like pulled those books out and looked at them for the first time. Like, was there anything in here that was like worth anything? And most of it sucked, but there were a few things that, uh, that just kind of got my imagination going or I was like, oh, it'd be kind of interesting if this thing continued or if I wrote more on this, I would do this with it. And so that was kind of the beginning of it.

43:35I pulled out of those books probably about maybe like eight to 10 of the little kind of like snippets of stories and then started focusing on expanding those things. And then as I did that, I ended up getting rid of most of them. I kept like one or two. And then I just kind of was like, I want to do this. I want to try to like create a book that I put this sort of level of thought into. And And yeah, and then that just became, you know, I was kind of teaching myself how to do it. I thought the big difference between doing this and then writing a script is with the script, there's always someone else really talented is going to come in to make it better.

44:08You know, whether it's like an actor is going to come in or the DP is going to make it look cool. And it was kind of interesting to have it where you're like, oh, I'm just writing this. And then I really need to go. I need to do all that stuff myself. I need to make sure that this is translated to people the way I'm imagining. Yeah, Ernest Hemingway didn't say, well, this is what I got. Punch it up. Yeah. Give it a little juice. The font will be really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's focus on this one story, Institute of Men, because it's a fascinating idea. Do you want to talk about it a little bit?

44:39It's a story about a guy who is getting self-conscious about his hairline is receding. He's losing his hair. and uh he's worried a co-worker of his thinks that he has golem-esque features and that if he loses his hair it really could be bad for him you know uh so yeah he uh he he starts to uh he's like looking for a solution and he he kind of he sees this ad for this place called the institute of men and he decides to sign up and then he goes to this place and it's a little unorthodox there there's some strange questions they ask him and it's a very odd procedure that he has to kind of sign away to and then it's one of those monkey paw situations he he gets hair but there's a price that yeah but i also love this what there's little things in it that remind me of some of the sort of comedy slash horror things we've been talking about where you know he has to fill out you know when you're getting going to get a medical procedure you have to fill out a questionnaire and the questions are just really yeah they're not things that you would normally see on a medical questionnaire it should have been the first red flag yeah they're they're asking him things like how many friends he has and the last time he cried when was the last time he cried yeah when have you been in a fight it's so funny because i've had ideas over the years for a little strange things that's like it's not a comedy sketch it's just a concept it's kind of freaky but i'd like to expand on it more and write it out but um you know i've never i don't know know never i've never done it it's it's why i mean i've been a massive fan of yours and then when you did this i was like well this man this man this man did the thing that i have never been able to do if an idiot like me could do it conan that's that is not how i that is not how that's not how i think about it but uh it's it's really exceptional and and also it has to just feel to have a book on the shelf.

46:37I mean, there are a lot of celebrity famous people toss off books and that's not what this is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I worked as hard on this as I would on any of the shows I've worked on. I mean, I was like living and breathing it for the last year. And the craziest part about it is like you finish it and then you turn it in and then it's like the rewriting it where it's like, you rewrite an episode of TV, it's 30 pages like, I can get through this in a day or two. So you get the notes and you look at it like this is like a 400 page document. I got to rewrite this. Where the hell do I even start?

47:11I don't even know if I can read this fucking thing in a month. But then you do. You get down into it where you do just start. It just happens. I went away and just left my computer on and just sort of like would just pace back and forth. Like just approach a sentence at a time, Danny. Like don't get intimidated by the weight of it. And then it does start to strip away. You do start to like you're like Neo in the Matrix. Get rid of that. Put that in. Change that. You can just start doing it. Yeah. I've never had that. I'll show you. I've never been Neo in that. I'm Keanu in Point Break. That's who I am.

47:51So what is, okay, this, what are you working on now? Because this project is done and I hate to say, okay, what else you got? What have you done for me lately? I've been working on something I'm pretty excited about you know i i approached paramount last year about uh trying to relaunch gi joe for them as a feature yeah talk about cartoons dog uh this is uh it's so uh yeah the guys i write gemstones with uh jeff ralley and john couture we jammed uh we we jammed out this script that paramount's excited about and we're gonna try to that's what we're trying to make next year wow you can't say anything huh i can't i can't say you know what it's not a comedy it's It's like a grounded action movie.

48:33Oh my God. You know, in the comics, there's this town Springfield that is like secretly Cobra lives there. I have that original comic. Yeah, I loved it. And so our story takes place there. And I realize that Matt's going to follow you home. Yeah, you got to. Make sure you watch the gate close behind you when you get home. But don't just assume that no one's walking in after you. But don't worry, I'll be dressed like Duke from G.I.J. Yeah, you will. You're going to go to shut the refrigerator tonight. Coralie's there. That was like the Halloween thing of like feeling like insane writing the shape.

49:08This was like when I'm like right in the climax of it and we're sitting here and I'm putting things like Cobra Commander and Snake Eyes fighting. I just had to like stop and like go downstairs to my wife. And I'm like, this is nuts. I used to do this when I was a kid. Every day I would make these guys fight each other. And now I'm writing that shit. You're living my life.

49:32i'm so excited wow tears of blood from that gnarly yeah the i've i um i do think that and i chuck it up to pure luck but there are so many times now where i'm doing something i realize this is how i goofed around as a kid yeah and now i'm doing it and people are saying and cut nicely done i'm not i'm not getting yelled at yeah they're not telling you to clean up your toys yeah yeah yeah that's all fine let's get back to gi joe yeah um uh walton goggins i i have to ask you about walton gonz because you know i know him a bit and he's been here he's just a fascinating creature he really is he really i mean uh and i mean you must have the second you saw him do anything thought like oh i gotta know that guy 100 because he's such a he's like a walton goggins is a character you would create.

50:27I mean, the person Walton Goggins. The universe pushed us together. I love him so much. He's one of my best friends. And yeah, I mean, since the very first time we worked together in Vice Principals, him and I have just had such a fast friendship. And we took our families to Greece together last year. Just hilarious. Yeah, he's just so funny and so good. He was here to do the podcast. I don't know if you remember this, but he got here a little bit early. And then one of his people said, Walton's very tired. He's going to take a power nap for five minutes. And he went into that little office where you were sitting, that little green room with the couches and the sliding door that goes outside.

51:07And I walk by and he's asleep on the couch. But he looked like Dracula sleeping in his casket. He was like this and his eyes were closed. And he slept really hard for exactly five minutes. And then came in here and he gave us a full blast of the Goggins. I love it. He gave us full Goggins. Full metal Goggins. Full metal Goggins. Yeah. When we went to Greece last year, it's like, you know, I mean, he is, he's a force and it was awesome walking around Greece. Everyone recognized him. He had such a stellar year with White Lotus and everyone was coming up and Walton was dressed for it. I mean, what we would go out and Walton is like in full white linens.

51:50And then, you know, I'm there with my kids. they're wearing like crocs you know yeah yeah yeah we'll take this we'll take the photo for you we go to these beach clubs and like everyone in his family are just like finely dressed and just look like they're off the mat a magazine i just got yeah yeah my little redneck kids and me sitting here with bad suntans so he's like aristotle onassis and jackie onassis walking around greece off the yacht and then you guys like you know randy quaid and you know vacation just like wait for me you're like i'm gonna get them duke boys wow uh i wish i could have again i would just want to shoot that i just want to see the b-roll of you guys walking around having a killer time unbelievable well i uh this has been a huge shot in the arm i didn't even need a shot in the arm today but i was weird i do this sometimes i'll be driving in and I think, hey, I get to see Danny McBride today and I love his book.

52:54I'm so happy for him. And, and, uh, just, I just love talking to you and getting any time to hang with you. And I will take you up on your promise to, uh, just, uh, the three of us, you, me, Sturgill Simpson, I'll coordinate it. I'll pay for the meal. You guys put, you guys pick the Outback steakhouse. I'd love that. And we'll go there and if Goggin wants to drop by at some point. We'll bring him too. We might have to change what we're wearing if he comes. We're going to have up our game. Well, Danny, thank you for dropping in and congrats on the book. I love it. Thrilling Tales of Modern Men.

53:36Awesome. Thank you. This won't air. Great. That's fine.

53:47I was at the airport. I was waiting in one of those long lines. And I kept saying, hey, let me through. I'm Conan O 'Brien. And they said, shut up. You'll wait in line. And I went, oh, okay. That's so sad. It's a really good story. But I was hungry. I didn't have a snack with me. You got to keep... And I didn't want to lose my place in line and go try and find something. I know. That's when you got to have Nutri-Grain on you. You got to always have a snack in your bag. And when it's a Nutri-Grain, it's perfect. It's perfect because it's the right size. It's handy. It's also nutritious. Yes. Okay.

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56:10Here we are. We're talking about Blay's tax saga. This is part four and maybe an ongoing series. And hopefully it doesn't, you know, hopefully it ends well. Blay, along with his mother, are part of a criminal gang where Blay was able to write off his various nerd collections of swords, lightsabers, Darth Vader helmets. whatever you whatever else he can think of uh he was writing them off because he was bringing them up on the podcast and if the internal revenue service is listening and i think they should be um i think he should be investigated and now you were a stranger to all of this matt i added because you were out on a i think a nine month paternity leave which is fine i will it would be we began with conception yeah and then ended with delivery and ended with her uh starting at a very good college in the northeast yeah um but now you so you have a fresh approach to all this we haven't heard your opinion so you speak you listen to what blay was up to and what'd you think well god you know i love you blay and this only comes out of concern oh boy you know it's not going to be good when you hear that i'm just concerned that you're doing things backwards that you know what I mean?

57:28That you're coming on and saying that I should, after you've purchased these, like, oh, I'm going to mention them now, as opposed to having an actual solid reason for bringing them on the show, which I think would justify a write off. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, how can I bring them up if I don't already own them? Well, I think they have to be organically. This is organic. He talked about the pens. No one needed to mention the brand. You didn't need to mention the brand. Why did you say this is called? What's it called again? No, it's called the Kindle Scribe. Yeah. By Amazon. Okay. Oh, boy. I find it suspicious that you give lots of labels.

58:06You give a lot of, this is what it's called. This is where it's available. I think it's a really reasonable price. Get yours now. Click to proceed to cart. You said what kind of pen you had. You said it's an Aurora pen. It's really nice. Didn't you say the kind of pen? I did say that. Okay. I don't think he's writing it off. How is that different? I know maybe you want an Aurora pen. It's a gift. Maybe just writing it off. But I think the difference is if I was to say like, oh, I was taking out the trash last night, hefty trash bags. They are good trash bags. Okay. The first flex. The first flex.

58:40The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. The first flex. You know the difference, which is I just said this is a nice pen. It's an Aurora. I'm not expecting anything from Aurora. Were they to give me something, which would be very nice if I got a free pen from Aurora, I would accept it, but I would never mention it on air. Aurora. But anyway, that's not what I would... Very good pens. It's just a pen that I use, and it's a pen that I have right now on camera. Even though you can't write with it normally. You have to write it on an angle.

59:06No offense, Aurora, but what the fuck? Also, it's squirting everywhere. You're right. Throw that thing into a hefty trash bag. Squirting all over the place. When I watched how you tried to write with this, I was appalled. Because listen, you just came right down straight. It was a 90 degree angle. it was completely perpendicular and I felt I was like oh my goodness and 11 year old me was appalled oh no that is not how one holds a pen and pen the one who wants the stamp that 11 year old version of you all I wanted was a void stamp I really wish I could impress that 11 year old version of you will you go out with me stamp loving kid Hey, you like stamps?

59:56A rubber stamp. It's really fun. And you get to like with real authority say void. Oh no. Remit. I wanted a remit stamp. Sona. What? What? Me? No, Blay. Remember? I get it. I get it. Oh, your roars are great. Send me one too. Yeah. All I want to do is a quick shut up. And then onward to Blay. Blay, I just don't want to see anything happen to you. That's all I care about. Thank you. I appreciate it. And I do want to see something happen to you. I would be delighted if you and your mother who does your taxes for reasons that still escape me, even though she's not a tax person. She gets you on the phone and then she calls, what is it?

1:00:35She's good at TurboTax. She calls TurboTax and, you know. Calls TurboTax? You don't call. I'm doing your part for you. Calls TurboTax? Thank you. Who calls TurboTax? I did that for you as a gift to you. Thank you very much. You're right. Who calls TurboTax? I'm just showing you that I can do your role on this podcast, too. If you know you said it incorrectly. Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba. I won that argument with my hubba, hubba, hubba. Okay, well, we'll do your part. If you're writing incorrectly, is it a name? Wait, you mentioned all the products. Buy Amazon, readily available. I think it's a good price.

1:01:07I know what you're up to. I see what you're doing. And you leaned in, and you also still do the thing we've talked to you about, which is you put your mouth over the mic, like you're eating a giant kielbasa, and you shout into it. You need to grab it. He's grabbing it, too. He grabs it. What is the grabbing about? What do you grab the mic? Well, because Eduardo and I share a mic. Boo, no one likes you, boo. We share a mic. Eduardo is not separating himself. Eduardo is not having this. Well, no, I was just saying we share a mic, so I need to grab the mic to pull it over to me. And why are you yelling?

1:01:33I don't know. I'm trying to take... Can I just, in defense, the reason why I say what it is is not to write things off. I'm not going to write this off. It's in case people are like, oh, that's pretty cool. Where can I get that? That's pretty... I like that product. I would like to buy it also. So that's where your role here is on the podcast is to direct people towards items that are in your life that they might also want. You have an affiliate link where you get a percentage. You know what? We could have an affiliate link for the podcast to make a little extra dough on this side. You know, can I say something?

1:02:02I like paper. Yes. And I like the idea that, and I'm never going to be someone that wants to doodle and then press a button and it goes into the cloud. Because guess what? You think you're saving paper, but now server farms have to handle my doodles and we're burning valuable energy we're burning fossil fuels. Yes. So that somewhere a server firm can hang on to my little guy that's going bibble, babble, nibble. But you could lose your doodles. And this is, my notes are being saved forever. Yeah, that's important. And you know what? It's important that your thoughts are saved, Blay, for all of time.

1:02:35Well, I've never said anything that's more ridiculous. We're going to end there. But Blay, I've got my eye on you. I think you're up to no good. And if the IRS is listening, his name is Aaron Blair. I think that's the thing, though, is the IRS has been gutted. So you're probably safe. Yes, they are gutted. Oh, we can all just do it now. And you know what? The worst criminals like Blair are going to get away with murder. It's like tax fury road right now. Just go for it. Go for it. Well, that's the message of our podcast today. It's if you're thinking of cheating on your taxes, just go for it. Let's do it.

1:03:06Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

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