D'Arcy Carden Returns

23:44Well, Father's Day is coming up. Hint, hint. June 21st. We're not your children. What? My children are not getting me anything. And so it's up to you guys to get me Father's Day. They have never bought into Father's Day, but you guys are going to. You're my employees and you have to. Well, guess what? Luckily, Macy's has a wide range of options, the expertise to help you find the perfect gift. Macy's is the answer for Father's Day. David, as my sort of surrogate son. Okay, aw, that's nice. The son that I hired to buy me things. Exactly. I hope that you're prepared for this Father's Day, and I hope you've consulted Macy's.

24:27Oh, I sure I have done both of those things. First. Oh, there you go. You love a pun. We got you a shirt that says The Grillfather. I love that shirt because you know what? I love the Godfather movies, and I love grilling, and they've combined them with The Grillfather. And are you ready to combine it even more? Let's see the next gift. Ooh. A ninja indoor grill. That looks really good. It does. So happy Father's Day from us and Macy's. You know what? I want to say thank you. Those are cool gifts. I love it. Thank you, Macy's. Macy's makes it easy to take something your dad already loves, make it feel new again.

24:59Same vibe, better version. The kind of gift he'll actually use and appreciate no matter what kind of dad he is. Check out Macy's online gift guide for more ideas at macy's.com slash gift guide. The Disney Plus, Hulu, HBO Max Bundle. The best in entertainment in one bundle. This month, stream Pixar's blockbuster family hit Hoppers on Disney+. The hit horror comedy Send Help on Hulu. And season three of the HBO original series House of the Dragon on HBO Max. Get the Disney Plus Hulu HBO Max Bundle today. All of these and more streaming soon. Available with Disney Plus. Hulu Max Bundle plans starting at$19.99 a month.

25:46Terms apply. Visit DisneyPlusHuluMaxBundle.com for details.

25:53Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype? Yeah, like all the time. Yeah, I did that with an all-potato restaurant. Oh, no.

26:05Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sarah? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that. Bull spend. Bull spend. Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend$250 and get a$250 credit. Go to linkedin.com slash Conan. Terms apply.

26:41I remember so much about that show. I was nine years old. I remember my grandpa had just had surgery to have a leg removed. Is this cosmetic? This thing's in the way. Why two? Why two? I wonder it all the time. I know. Everyone in this room has that. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but he came to the play in a wheelchair, share and he and my grandma came in a limo, like an 80s style limo, because that was kind of the only thing that he could get in. Anyway, I remember that so clearly and it's all coming back to me. I know, I know. And I remember my parents and my grandma and my grandpa being in a place where I could see them and I was singing a solo.

27:28I was saying the wrong part. I looked at the piano player for help and she gave me the next line and in front of everybody, I went, I already said that part and everybody laughed and it was a bit of a moment. Oh, good. So you turned around. It was very lucid. So it went well. It didn't go badly. It didn't go badly. I mean, it was like, I wasn't trying to be funny. I thought it went badly and your grandfather stood. Your grandfather shouted. You were about to say stood. Your grandfather shouted. Your grandfather was hooked to his one foot and shouted, this is the worst thing that's happened to me in memory.

28:04Well, I'm glad I took his malady into my joy. I want to tell you another story about my grandpa and losing his leg. I remember when my mom told me that this was going to happen. Grandpa had surgery and they had to remove his leg. I remember going to visit him at the hospital. And, okay, so if you're grandpa, you're in the bed, in the hospital bed. And she was like, don't mention it. Guys, kids, don't mention it. He doesn't know. You know what I mean? Just be happy, maybe sing a Christmas carol or something like that. Just like keep it happy. And I just remember like, if this is the way your body would be, I remember like standing on his bedside and kind of staring at his face and just being like.

28:43And you put your hand down where the leg would be? Just to sort of be like, yeah, it's gone. It's definitely gone. There's no leg there. That's what I remember. Did it ever come up after that? Did you ever bring it up? Well, he died. I knew it. And that's gonna happen with grandpa. I know. Well, they all die eventually, but was it the loss of the leg that, I think it was pretty soon after that. But not related to the thing I've been joking about. That would make me feel bad. I want an autopsy. I'm a guy who hires forensic scientists to do autopsies just to make sure the thing I was joking about was not the thing that killed me.

29:16That's a new crime show that I do. But not the thing I was joking about, right? That's so funny. My grandpa had one leg too. For his whole time being your grandpa? Well, no, he, yeah, for the whole time being my grandpa. So I never got to do the whole like coming to the hospital on seeing one leg missing. Got to. I'm sorry. I never got to go to the circus. Or see my newly legless grandpa. Where did it wrong? No, I'm sorry. She made it sound so good. Yeah, you kind of were bragging. I was bragging. I was bragging. It was kind of a brag. So, you know. So sorry. You were like, I was there when it was a fresh wound.

29:49I can't believe I had grandparents that both had their legs. So to you, grandpas just had one leg. Yeah, yeah. I just thought that's how grandpas were. But they have two. Right. Some have two. Yes. Some do have one. Some have none. That's true. Which leads us to Conan's movie. Which I haven't seen yet, so let's not talk about it. Okay. But I can't wait to see it. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Yeah. You know, I think there was this miraculous thing. I didn't know this, but I love trying to figure out the story of people who I really adore and how did they come to be? Because this, I refuse to believe that there's a world where you would not have risen to fame.

30:30I do think that it's inevitable if you have your abilities and your personality. So all of that was going to happen. But what was interesting to me is always how it happened. I didn't realize it was Broad City. Yeah. I came up at the Upper Citizens Brigade with Abby and Alana. So I knew them and Paul and Lucia. I should say last names. Abby Jacobson, Alana Glazer, Paul W. Downs, Lucia, and Yellow. Paul and Lucia do hacks, but they were also writers and directors on Broad City. So those were my people coming up at UCB. Those were like in line to audition for the team with them. Did that sentence make sense?

31:09It did. I'm thinking of a memory. In line with Abby to like audition for our first Herald team. Things like that. So when they got the chance to make this TV show, they put me in the pilot as just a small part, but I hadn't been in a TV show before. And then when the show got picked up, they had to really rework the pilot and I got cut out of it. And they put me in another, gave me a different role in another episode. Like they just kept, there was like, no, they just kept putting me in it. And I was probably only in like one or two episodes a season, but it really did change my life. And when I auditioned for The Good Place at my test where you, it's like down to you and the other person.

31:45When I walked in an episode of Broad City had aired the night before and Drew Goddard and Mike Schur were talking about it. they were like, oh, it was such a funny this, that, with this thing you did. And I was like - Oh, that's such a great ramp in. Yes. They already like you. Yes. And they've already seen you do good work. Exactly. When they're auditioning you for The Good Place. Exactly. So I just like, all the nerves were shed. And I, you know, they built me up before an audition that I feel like I got in, I feel like I got that role in that audition. Does this, I don't want this to sound cocky at all, but I felt really prepared.

32:15And I, you know - That's very cocky. It is. Yeah. I mean, I just said you had done all this work. And then I kind of repeated it. And then you said, you know what I think? I think I was really well prepared. Yeah. And that turned everybody against me, huh? There's a chill in the room. I can see my breath now. She just, she's cocky. Yeah. I don't like a cocky woman. But you'd said, this sounds cocky, but I think I'm the greatest performer that ever lived. Right. Yeah. No, I just, it was, I think, you know, getting, I keep losing, I keep feeling. Yeah, there it is. There, it's you. I've been feeling you.

32:49That happens all the time. What's that? Your hair came off? Yeah. Okay. Leave it in here for the next person. I'm going to plant this on a crime scene.

32:59A strange murder in Catalina has been solved. Darcy Carden has been arrested. Wait, okay, wait, wait. An orange woman was seen fleeing.

33:15This is reminding me of something that I really do feel like you will understand because you're like me with this. anything for the laugh. My niece Clover, who's four now, when she was a baby, before she was even one, her hair was starting to get a little bit long and she had like this tiny little like knotty, just a little knot in the back of her head that they couldn't brush out. So they said, let's cut it. It was going to be her first little haircut. So we cut it and I took it and I ate it. Yes! And they laughed. I made my sister laugh and my husband laugh and my brother-in-law laugh. I feel like he would have done it.

33:46But did you really? Later in the emergency room. I really ate it. No! It was so tiny. Oh. And I love her so much. And you love hair. And I love to eat hair. I just want any reason to eat hair. And this was a great one. But she's so little. But you didn't get sick or anything. No, she's a baby and she's gorgeous. She has a perfectly fine, gorgeous little... This is the... I've seen you at club gymnastics there with my daughter. You know her. Yes. You know I ate Clover's hair. Yes. You know Clover and I ate her hair. She has beautiful hair. It is really funny to eat something you're not supposed to eat.

34:12It really is. And kids love it. Yes, it really is. But if I need to really get a kid, that sounds awful. But... If I really need to make a kid laugh. I really need to get this kid. Now when I have to get a kid, that's a whole other thing. No, I really need to get this kid. You need the van. Anyway, it's been three weeks. No, they love it if you're like... They love it if you're, you know... Even that. If you have a TV remote. Oh, God damn it. What is going on? I'm miming a television remote, you freaks. Monsters. I really need to get this kid. I need to get that kid. Okay. No, if you're miming a TV remote.

34:48Yeah. No, if you have a TV remote in your hand and then you're talking to a kid and you go, mmm, delicious. And you lick it, nine out of 10 times you've got it. Oh, I'm going to use that. And I'm going to take credit for it. I'm not going to say it. Well, I tried registering that with the Writers Guild. They told me to screw up. I'll tell my little niece, I'll say, that came from Conan's brain. And she'll go, who? Who? God damn it, that brought me down. You've got to get to that generation. She's four. No, I'm the same thing. I immediately become a child. when Sona's kids who are four, when her twins come running into the building, I immediately, all work stops.

35:22Yeah. And I'm chasing them. Then they're chasing me. Then I'm saying, if I see they've got chips, bags of chips, it's a good thing. No one took my chip. What? And then they're running around. And so then you usually take them away because you know they're not going to sleep for two days. Right, right, right. But I also know I'm not going to sleep for two days. But you feel so good. It feels great. Getting a laugh from a kid. It works both ways. When you're a kid, making an adult laugh is the best thing in the world. When you're an adult, making a kid laugh is the best thing in the world. You're so right, because both of them are not a guarantee at all.

35:55Not getting a laugh from a kid is fucking humiliating. Oh, I've been there. Yeah. Sure. Trying hard. And then I'm mad. Yes. Embarrassed. Trying harder. Right. Still failing. Yeah. That's hell. That's hell. Okay, you've seen my work. Yeah, that's, I think I've mentioned this before. but worth retelling briefly. A good friend of mine, Mike Casagnol and I, who were at the Groundlings together, someone saw us and said, you two are really funny together. Would you show up at my kid's party? And we said, sure. And we dressed up as minstrels and showed up at this kid's party with guitars. Bombed like I've never bombed in my life.

36:35It was in a park in Santa Monica. These kids hated us. Oh my God. And until the mom made us tag out. Okay. The mom was like, you should just go. Oh, that's even worse. It was Mike and I walking back to our cars with our guitars dressed as jesters. And that hurts as much as anything has hurt in show business. I bet that's really true. I don't even think you're exaggerating. It is true. Everything is exactly. No. That's what happened. Yeah. That is what happened. And it was awful. And the feeling is the same as bombing in front of a theater. In a way, it's kind of worse. Totally. Because you feel like kids are seeing the real you.

37:12Yeah. You know? I think we just saw the real. No, I'm being honest. But what does that reveal? When a kid is looking you in the eyes and not buying it, you think they have x-ray vision and they can see like to your bones. Right. And not that they're going like, you suck. But they're just kind of looking at you like, hmm. Yeah. No. Because they're pure honesty. They have no reason to hide anything. Yeah. They don't care. I mean, now one of the things I like about making a kid laugh is they don't know, oh, he's done many series. And he has a body of work, so I should laugh now. Right, right. There's none of that.

37:47Right. They don't care. Who is this? Yeah, and that all enrages me.

37:54One of the things that fascinated me about The Good Place was how much clearly Mike Schur was interested in ethics and what's ethical. And I can just contrast that with some of the things that are happening in the world today and in the news. Were you raised with any religion? I was raised Episcopalian, which is a pretty easy one. Yeah. Liza's an Episcopalian and it's like cool you don't have to show up anywhere does that feel like to you that's cheating I can tell in his face I'm sorry no I'm sorry I'm sorry Episcopalians no do you know what I mean show up don't show up it's all good you seem like a good person yeah it was easy it was more about like I like hanging out with my friends at this church and eating cookies Because when Liza and I were getting married, I had to get married in the Catholic church.

38:45It's just, I mean, when I say have to, I mean, I'm not going to call my mom and my dad and say, by the way, it's going to be at a church call. It's not going to be at a church. It's going to be on the beach at Groovy Point. Right. Bring some sunblock and some good vibes. So we were married in a Catholic cathedral in Seattle. But I remember Liza's family was like, okay, if that's what you want. Like, we'll go to that. But this, did Liza feel like she was, like, performing wedding? Yeah, I think she was doing me a major solid because she knew how much it meant to my parents. My dad really wanted us to get married in a church as well.

39:25And we had to have sort of like a, not hard conversation because we were Episcopalian. So it's not that big of a deal. But he just was, it couldn't quite, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Of course, that's what you do. And I didn't want that feeling of, like, sort of pretending to, you know, playing. playing, getting married, which I think I would have felt like if I got married in a big church. I was, I just remembered this because I was just back in Seattle. I passed that cathedral where I got married in 2002. And I went in and I had this very immediate memory of, I had been good future son-in-law the whole time I was engaged.

40:01Just, you know, good boyfriend, the good, you know, I'll pick up that tab and just nice to everybody. And because I just wanted to make sure this deal went through this. Don't screw up the deal. I don't want to screw up this. No. Gotta lock it up. Yeah. You know, Liza, I had to lock, I had to lock this up. Yeah. So, can't let this not happen. Yeah. There was one member of her family who is very religious and she had, I think, 10. Two legs? Oh. Yeah, she had two. She had three legs because she got your grandfather's leg. Yeah. Messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up.

40:36It's not messed up. It's not messed up. Yeah. It's actually really normal. Yeah, yeah. It's actually really normal. That's what happens when someone loses a leg, it goes to someone else. It goes somewhere else, yeah. Yeah, she had three and she could only walk in circles. Anywho. Yeah, sorry. We're really on, this is good. No, this is great. And you know what? I just checked my machine. We haven't gone too far with this riff. So anyway, she's a very religious member of her family who at one point in the service, which was really long because it's a Catholic mass plus a lot of other stuff, she read she read like 10 blessings or she was going to read 10 blessings so it's all the stress of the wedding day and it's a really long wedding and a lot of people came and saying hi to everybody and then going back and they took pictures after the wedding in front of everybody and i'm feeling that pressure and i'm really like a a wire that's been pulled thin and this religious member of her family came up to me after the ceremony and now it's finally my chance to be and have a glass of wine, sit down with Liza, just chill for a second.

41:38And she grabs my arm and she says, you know what, I read nine of the blessings, but then the priest started up again and I didn't get to read the 10th. Could you stop everybody and say the 10th blessing? And suddenly real Conan showed up. Yeah, here he comes. For the first time in two years. And I said, I think there's been enough Jesus for one day. And I went to my table and like downed a glass of wine. Hell yes. And she was like, what? And Liza gave her a look like, yeah, there's that guy too. Like, there's both. You know, Eddie Haskell went away. Like, oh, gee, Mr. Cleaver, it's so nice to see you.

42:15That went away. I think there's been enough Jesus for one day. Turned and walked. Goodbye. And then gulp, gulp, gulp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Liza's like, oh, he's in our family now. Yeah, yeah. That guy. And by the way, I knew I had the ring. Yeah, exactly. We are done. Deal done. Yeah. Locked it in. Yeah. Yeah. Mic drop. So anyway, I was just curious because in my upbringing, the ethics are real simple. God is always watching and sees everything. Don't ever do anything that you're not cool with God seeing. That's a very literal interpretation. But when you're a kid, that's what you think is the case.

42:51And I took everything very literally when I was a kid. And they told me once, they were talking about heaven. And this is a nun because I had to go to, after regular school, we had to go to this place called the Cynical and be taught by nuns about Catholic instruction. No, every Monday night. And I would go to this place and nuns with the whole habit and everything are teaching and they're writing on the board about Jesus and the religion and the Holy Spirit. And at one point she was talking about heaven and I said, what is heaven? And she said, what's your favorite thing to do? And I said, color in my coloring book.

43:25And she said, well, you do that for all eternity. And I looked at a camera that wasn't there and went, as Sona would say, fuck. I was like, that sounds, I mean, I like to color in my coloring book. You sort of saw the scope of like forever? I just saw the scope of, I mean, I like it, but all eternity. I also like riding my bike. Yeah, no, coloring in your coloring book forever. God watching, don't go outside the lines. And that's the thing is like that nun said that and you held onto that for probably so long. I'm still thinking I just talked about it. Exactly. Yeah. I would fall asleep saying the Lord's Prayer as many times as I could because I made up a system that for every one time I said it, that erases one bad thing I did that day.

44:09That's a rosary bead. Yeah, that's true. Rosary beads are basically, rosary beads are Hail Mary. These beads are our Father's Lord's Prayer and these beads are Hail Mary's and you work your way through them and they, you know. You say the prayer and that erases something bad you did? I don't know if it's in one-to-one deletes, but if you work your way through the rosary, yes, that's like, well, I entered all the information. You know, I just filled out all these forms and now I get this credit. That's insane. But you realize that so many religions are do this and you'll be okay. And the Vatican had a list of amounts of money you could pay to get out of certain sins.

44:51That was a regular part of the Catholic Church. Could I see that list? You can't afford it, buddy. You'll never get out of your own hell. You don't know where my sins are. They're tiny. Yeah, and I know. No, that was a thing, I think, called selling indulgences. I don't know how I just came up with that. Your brain's big. Yeah, just crazy stuff I can whip out. Selling indulgences, I think, was, yeah, medieval Catholic church where they could say, oh, for$100 ,000 in gold, you get to go to heaven. Here's your piece of paper. show this when you get to the Pirelli case. I think that's why there was such a big backlash with Martin Luther and this whole reform movement of we got to clean that stuff up.

45:33But going back to tech bros, I think somebody is going to do this again. I think someone's going to come up with a program, some algorithm that they say, if you can give us this many quark bits, then that will translate into eternal peace. Quark bits. Anything we Anything humanity has done We might do again And we probably will What's that? It's a new religion Like someone's coming in I'm just positing That someone could say And that it would probably I'm sure there is a religion That will require us To just do this You know what I mean? Oh, I see that all the time Yeah, I'm out and about And I see things Oh, interesting You know what I've noticed?

46:18Speaking of being out and about And seeing things I'm doing a lot of walking these days trying to get my steps in. Yes. And I have noticed that people go on walks and look at their phones the entire time. And I mean, watch things on their phone as they're walking. Like people are walking. Yeah. And not just like, you know, like from store to store. I mean, like going on a hike, going on a walk, their head is down and they're scrolling or they're watching. They're looking at nature scenes while they're walking through nature. When I walk my dog, because it's so boring. Stop doing that. Because she stops.

46:49But you have to stop. You have to stop. I know. Now I leave my phone at home, which is bad because what if I like trip and fall? You could put a little earpiece in and listen to some music if you need something to take the edge off nature. But try not to do that because I mean, I see people on bicycles. I know there are people on motorcycles that are listening to their tunes. Right. And I think that's insane. And the big thing is yesterday I was side to side with someone in her car and I noticed she was driving was a little funky, completely down looking at her phone while she's driving. I don't do that.

47:22But walking, I have to stop. God's watching. Yeah, God's watching. God's watching all the time. If you pay me$100 ,000 right now, I'll handle that. But God is watching it. He knows what phones are. No, God can see through your phone. Oh, man. He's watching you. Oh, no. God hacked your phone. He's on the other side of the screen. I make this when I see... God illegally went through Apple. No, but you agreed to it. You signed something. Yeah. Oh, about God? I said it was okay. When you take God to court, he's going to be like, read the fine print. Did you read the fine print? Or a woman. Okay. Read the fine print.

47:55Yeah, a doctor can also be a woman. I make a noise when I see somebody doing this. When I walk by them, I go like. Good for you. Like a horse? Yes. It's not like saying like, hey, look up. It's like you're coming around the corner, a little beep, beep. Yeah, a little beep, beep. I know we could talk about this forever and I know it has been spoken about over and over, but it really is mind blowing. Like when you are at an airport or whatever, when you walk into a room and you see everybody with their head down, it really is like, how do we get here? Yeah. And the other thing, rock and roll music.

48:28Oh, it's the devil's music. It'll get in your brain. What do we do? Well, I think by complaining about it. Yeah. And by complaining about a thing that many other people have already noticed. That's right. Yeah. We've shown a light on something that already has a light on it. Yeah, we did. And we've accomplished really nothing. Yeah. Don't you think? Well, back to our phones. I know. I don't like to yuck other people's yum either. I know. It also, you know. Have you ever heard that phrase before? Oh, yeah. My kids used to say, don't yuck my yum. It's such a weird thing to say. But it makes perfect sense.

48:59Because I wouldn't let them have any liquids or water for a year. Oh, no. I just read an article when I was focused on my phone that said, water and liquids is bad for human life. Bad for kids, for growing kids, yeah. so they got very ill but they're doing better now they're much better now that they're having liquids and water yeah because that's what we're made of I I've never been angrier with any guests than I am with you right now oh my shit what did I do what didn't you do I know you came in here with your Darcy Carden attitude cocky what's that cocky she's cocky you're very cocky she's cocky and you came in here and then you started to say we need to get off our phones well that's the only joy I have in my life now No.

49:40It's my phone. I know. I want to walk my dog and look at my phone. I'm on like zero. It's 3 p.m. and I'm on 0 % battery because I've been on my phone all day. You understand? I'm a piece of shit. How many Conan clips were you watching? No. No. Who are you looking at, buddy? Just looking around. Okay. There's a huge crowd cheering me right now that's in my mind. And I like to check them out. They're gone, Conan. No. Are you working with Mr. Will Fortan? Yes. Are you not at liberty to mention? No, I'm Liberty. Okay. I'm Liberty. Don't you love him? He's fantastic. Have you guys, you've had him on the show?

50:18Oh, yeah. What a guy. We did a TV show that's coming out in Australia in December, and then it'll be over here at some point. I can't wait. I can't wait. It's called Sunny Nights. We play siblings. I'm kind of like wild card. He's straight laced. We get in with some bad people, and we have to like, you know, find our way out. Now, can you speak normally to each other? Are you both in bit hell when the other person's in the room? I mean, I called him the other night. He wanted me to do this charity event with him that I wanted to do. And then some schedule thing happened. And I called him the other night and he answered the phone like this.

50:52He picked up and he went, hello. And I said, Will, it's bad news. And he goes, oh no.

51:05what's wrong with all of us I know I know I know I don't know you're all sick yeah I was gonna um only if I can find this in 10 seconds was gonna play you a song that Will and I made up in the middle of the night I bet the time stamp is like 3 in the morning in some overnight shoot and we were just trying to like keep ourselves up okay let's just see what this is I'm not quite sure but I know it'll be something a 5 6 7 8 geetle riddle boodle boodle goodle ba doo geetle riddle Beetle, veedle, geel, patoo. Just a gal, festal, a master catoo. Chili, taisin', willie, mace, and Mindy Chen, too. That was really good.

51:41And you can hear the Australian people go, that was great. Wait a minute. That was great. Thank you. That was great. And we came up with it in, I bet that was 30 minutes of work. That was waiting. Yes, of course it was. That was waiting for the cameras to get ready. And we were like, let's make up a song in all gibberish. And then that's what happens. Because also he gets really set on something and then it's happening. Anyway, I love him like family. I love him. My favorite thing is yesterday, Sona was standing really close to me, like her face was right here. And I just put one pen in my mouth and turned to her and went, I'm half a walrus.

52:16Why? And you lost it. You lost. It's so stupid. Yeah. But I think it was that my face was so close to hers. Yes. And no one should ever do that. No, I love it. No one should ever declare, I'm half a walrus with one tusk. I think doing bits is a language. I really do. I think it's okay. I guess you can overdo it if someone's not wanting. Oh, yes, you can. I'll tell you. But when I say language, I mean if you speak bit, I think it's actually like love and communication. I think it's really good. Is that how you took it? It is. Yeah, because you laughed. I was like, oh, he loves me. Oh, that's nice.

52:53Or he's just got a pen jammed in his mouth. Or he's broken. and like we need to take him to a hospital. We need to talk to him. It could be either one. He's sad. And when he actually is hurt and has like a brain issue one day, we're not going to know. But that's actually okay too. Yeah. A lot of people have talked about this, which is how will we know if he's, if his mind is going, how will we know? Yeah. But I think that's okay. Because if his mind is going, he won't know and you won't know. So then it's just kind of like a nice, yeah, untreated. Except we're all talking about like, this is in the future and it could have happened years ago.

53:23I could be 15 years into a terrible, I would put my money on that. Marine occlusion. Yeah. We're all coloring books in heaven right now. Back to my dad's quote. Yeah. Back to my dad's quote. My dad, who was a scientist, looked at me and said, I see. He wasn't trying to make a joke. He said, you're being treated for something. I'm sorry. My dad looked at me and he's a scientist and he said, I see, you're making your living off something that should probably be treated. Oh my God. And I was like, he's not wrong. Oh my gosh. Wish he hadn't said it. Yeah. But he's not wrong. But he's not wrong. which I didn't now know that, that that's true, actually true.

53:58Yeah. Yeah, dad. Dad. Well, let's keep that cash rolling in. I'm half a walrus. Huh? Darcy Carden, you are a joy. Try it. I'm the other half. Yay! Here's your pen back. You should immediately drop your project with Wolf Forte and do my, it's half a walrus meets the other half. I'm so in. Don't shake that hand. Don't make that deal. Don't make that deal. Legally binding in a court of law. Legally binding. Better call your paw. Okay. Darcy Carden, absolute joy. I love you to death. I love you so much. My best to your crazy, handsome, cool husband. And my best to your crazy, handsome, cool wife. She is handsome.

54:45She is. She's the alpha male. Yeah. and I'm going to make you come back here again and again and again. I can't wait. There's nothing you can do about it. Once a year, at least. Yes. Okay, great.

55:04This episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend is brought to you by six all new McCafe drinks at McDonald's. You're a McDonald's lover, Sona. I know that. Love my Mickey D's, boo. Many times you and I would be in the car together and you would say, Let's hit McDonald's. I'm talking six new all McCafe drinks. Did you know that? Crafted sodas made with your favorite sodas and topped with velvety cold foam like a Sprite Berry Blast made with Sprite and blue raspberry syrup. Don't miss the dirty Dr. Pepper and Orange Dream 2. And there are refreshers made with fruit flavors and add-ins like popping boba and freeze-dried dragon fruit.

55:43Try the Blackberry Passion Fruit Refresher. mango pineapple refresher or the strawberry watermelon refresher with freeze-dried strawberries. Man, McDonald's is off the charts. Yeah, baby. There you go. Try the all-new McCafe drinks now at McDonald's or as Sona calls it, make a taste.

56:08Big news, Sona. Yeah? Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation? No way. Yep. They're making it easier to stay connected so you're free to wander. Well, that's really cool. And I love a national park. I really do. I do too. Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that, good signal. It's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah. So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff and suddenly you don't have it because of a bad signal.

56:41That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon. Oh, okay. Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again. You know? Good. So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch. Best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow. That's some sentence. T-satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Yep. Service may be limited or unavailable. included with experience beyond or$10 per month. Auto renews, cancel anytime. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand.

57:22Disclaimer, please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon.

57:31We're sitting here with our lawyer. What is your official title here at the Conco Empire? Good question. Director of Business and Legal Affairs. Okay, that lights up a party. Right. Very exciting, I know. So, David Melmed, good to have you here. Good to be here. And again, the eye goes to you. Very handsome fellow. Thank you. Inappropriate. And I think we all agree. Inappropriate. So, please, my company, I can do as I please. I'm a lawyer. That's what I've learned the last couple of years. Oh, wait, that's not right. Also, you were cutting bitches left and right last time. I know, but I'm not a lawyer.

58:05Guys, please, the garden hose is getting all tangled, and I'm a good gardener and I want to straighten it now. What? Here's what's happening, okay? It was brought to my attention very recently on a previous episode that Netflix is bringing back Star Search and they have an ad that pays tribute to all the very famous superstars that got their start on Star Search and they show this montage of these performers like Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kevin James performing on Star Search. And then they cut to this animated card that shows all the people that got their start on Star Search. And if you'll see where Christina Aguilera's name is, and you drift down to the right, you see the name there?

58:51I see Conan O 'Brien. Yes. Yes. Look at the dollar signs in his eyes. Yeah. Look at me. This was Netflix? Look at me. This is Netflix. They've been in the news lately. Yes, yes. This is Netflix. This is Netflix, which is a German word for deep pockets. Yes, it is. Netflix! Yes, it is. So, Mr. Melmed. Yes. If I may call you Mr. Melmed, and I think I can. And I'm your employer, and I can do as I please. I have no, no involvement with Star Search. I didn't get my start on Star Search. As Sona rightly pointed out, I have no talent that I could have brought to Star Search. Really, I mean, honestly, no connection.

59:32This is like saying we're going to salute the 1927 Murderers Row Yankees and Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and Conan O 'Brien. I would say, oh, my God, what's happened? That's how ridiculous this is. And yet there's my name. This isn't a joke. We didn't make this up. What do you think is happening here? Is this a random list or is anyone on this? We Googled this to the best of our knowledge. Everybody else has been verified, according to Google, as getting their start on Star Search. And I am not mentioned on that list. Except Conan O 'Brien. Because I have no connection to Star Search, never went on Star Search, never went to a taping, never passed the building, have no connection to it.

1:00:13I'm not offended. I'm just curious what's going on and what is my legal position? What can we do here and how can this benefit me go? Well, if you ask me that, which you just did. He's good. Can I just say something? My head is... Can I just say something? Yes. That was the most useless exchange I've ever had in my life. I know. Unbelievable. And I'm paying you. You said, if you ask me that and you just did. Yes. Incredible. My head is going. My brain is trying to think of an answer. He needs a second. He needs a second. You know what? You know what? I would say, Conan. Well, I'm hearing you and that's something that I'm hearing.

1:00:50Thank you. And now I hear that. Now I don't have a computer in front of me, so I can't Google anything at this point. No, I would say, look, if you're the only person on this board without that connection, I would say to you, is there any, you're feeling about it, you don't feel damaged, you don't feel defamed. I do. Oh, you do? Yeah. Well, just in this moment, I'm seeing which way you're going with this. I feel very damaged and very defamed. I'm not sure I can recover. Well, you probably couldn't recover damages, but we could certainly. No, you're misunderstanding. I didn't say recover damages.

1:01:25I'm not sure I can emotionally recover. Wait, so when your kid wanders in the room and said, I fell down and I got hurt, you take it immediately to mean you lost some financial gain? I do. Okay. So honestly, I would say - Child services. Yes. I would say practically your legal recourse would be to have your name removed. See, I don't want that. I love having my name up there. That's beautiful. But at the same time, I feel damaged. I feel that this is a drag on my income. I feel that I feel a loss. I'm not sure I will be able to podcast in the near future. And if he can't, Sona and I can't. Yeah.

1:02:11Oh, so, okay. So I think what you're talking about is sort of speculative damages, right? I think you may have a difficult time in that because it's a bit of a, you know, you have on the one hand, I have no connection to this, but on the other hand, I want to keep that up there. So you are benefiting a bit from the publicity because of the names up there. You work for me and you're arguing against me. I would say, Conan, if we were having this conversation outside of this podcast, I would probably be giving you these arguments against what you're trying to tell me that you want to do. Okay, let me tell you something.

1:02:42If I could speak to you. You may. And I can. You may. Because I have a microphone and you're in the room with me. Yes. And we're speaking. Yes, we are. And if you could hear me, which you can, Yes. And you would hear my thoughts. I would say this. I think it's going to be damaging for people to my name to be taken away. I can prove in court that my name brings people real joy. And to put it up and then take it away is going to be a wound for any of the American people who are watching Netflix. And many people are, as they should be, because they may soon be my overlord. Yes, they could. And so I would say the name just has to stay.

1:03:19Why? Why do that? You're just hurting people unnecessarily. The name can stay, but I've been terribly wounded and damaged. I see a real financial loss for me, not so much for Sona and Gourley. They're fine and they shouldn't participate. But I feel, hey, when they put your names up there, feel free to suckle at that teat. Can we sue them to put our names on there? Yes. Let's sue them to put your names on there and then sue them to take them off. And I once worked as an usher. So could that be me? You worked as an usher? It's possible. Okay. Yeah, that's a great one.

1:03:55Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That works for me. Okay, this is what we're going to do. Sure. You are going to contact Netflix. You're gonna inquire as to why my name has been put up there. You're gonna insist that the name stay. In fact, my name is on a half fade right now. Yeah, it is. But not as faded as Drew Carey's Rosie O'Donnell's or Leanne Rimes. or there's one that's so, oh, Brad Garrett should sue because his name is so faded on this. Yes, it is. Why even put it up? That's a star in the sky that - It's true. It looks like he - And Leon, you know, you have Leon Rimes. It's a bit faded.

1:04:34Did you notice the shooting star is emanating from your name? Yes. Yes. Look at that. The shooting star, because I create stars. Oh, wow. Okay, because this is the thing. They've clearly, this is a good point. My name's up there. There's a shooting star coming out of my name, which means I have so much talent that more stars are flying off of me. You're the big bang of talent. Have you ever even met Beyonce? What are you talking about? Why are you trying to chip away at me? I'm so sorry. Beyonce and I are tight. So let's not even go down that road. No, I don't know. But I am one of her honeybees, trust me.

1:05:09What the fuck? He's saying you're in the beehive? I'm saying I'm one of her honeybees. And see, this is where you're wrong. If you knew Beyonce the way I did, you know that when you're on the real inside, you don't say beehive. You say, I'm one of the honeybees. So anyway, that's not the point. The point is we keep the name up there. My friendship with Beyonce continues. And I feel damaged. They are selling a product with my name and I love it. I pay you. I know I don't pay you well, but you are paid to represent me. And here you are telling me there's no case here. they're using my name to sell.

1:05:50I didn't say you didn't have a case. And also, the damage has been done. This is already out there. And you're saying, well, they could take it down. I didn't really see a case here. No, I didn't say you didn't have a case. I said, we have to decide where you feel damaged and what we can prove of what your damages are. For example, if you said, I can't do this show anymore, then are you going to stop doing this podcast for the next X amount of months? If you're saying that, But, you know, I was so just disheartened. I went to therapy for, you know, six months. I couldn't get this out of my head.

1:06:22If, you know, your name and likeness, you know, I've heard someone's hosting, you know, again, the Oscars this year, right? You're like, I can't do it. This is embarrassing. I can't do it. You have to prove your damages. You could say to me, I'm damaged by this. But how? I can't feel my legs. Oh, boy. I have no feeling in my legs. You don't get it. From the pelvis down. I have a question. I would say, we're going to a doctor. I can't use my legs. I would say after this, we're gonna go to the doctor and we're gonna get that checked out. I know the doctor too. His name is Dr. Arroyo. Perfect. Oh man.

1:06:56I will show up, you know what I do? I wanna show up at Netflix with Dr. Arroyo in a wheelchair, say you put my name up as one of the people that got started on Star Search and I can't feel my legs. And then Dr. Arroyo will prove that by driving a steak through one of my legs and I will remain motionless. Is Dr. Arroyo in the wheelchair? No. But you know what? Maybe just for good measure, we'll both be in wheelchairs. I have a question. And I'll say, this is my doctor who's so upset about what happened to me, he can't feel his legs either. Is there any danger that Netflix could counter Sue saying that was a mistake and his name is hurting our brand?

1:07:30So you're saying that Netflix would come back and say, we made the mistake here and it's hurting our brand? What he's saying, and I should be insulted about what you just said, But I actually think, and I'm a fair person, you might be onto something, which is by putting, Netflix could say we're countersuing because this was a mistake. The computer accidentally took his name from the Mark Twain Award, Mark Twain prize that was on Netflix earlier this year and somehow it got up there. And it has damaged our show because people love Beyonce, they love Britney Spears, they love Dave Chappelle, and then they saw Conan O 'Brien and it's destroying us.

1:08:09And it's destroying Beyonce and Christina Aguilar because they're closest to your name. So they can also sue. I'm a black hole sucking the other stars in their light into sucking the other stars. Who would they be? The question is, who would they be soon? Right. Let's say they hired a production company. Yeah. So they couldn't go after Conan. Right. If he really had no knowledge that this was happening. Right. Nice job. If there was a production company, which we've hired before, Tim Koko has hired production companies to put on these kinds of shows that potentially, although, you know, a unilateral mistake like that, that they may not have had knowledge that Conan O 'Brien was on there.

1:08:48But if you pointed out and said, look, this is it's possible. I'm just going to say this. I mean, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping you'd come in here and say, oh, my God, they're selling a big show on Netflix, which is the streamer. And they're using your name. That's false advertising. We're going to get them. And instead, there's been a lot of sort of mealy mouth. Maybe, I don't know, hard to prove. Maybe they'll all just quiet. I'll make a phone call and this will go away, but no one will get any money. And so I'm guessing I'm saying, if I could fire you. Yes. And I can, because I'm your boss.

1:09:23We went over this last time, right? If I could fire you. Okay, good. And I can. Okay. And you could hear me, which you can, because I'm talking. There you go. And you have headphones on and you're listening. Yes, I do. then you'd be fired and you would no longer work for me, which is what's happening now. And if we would go back - Because I just fired you. And if we went back in time, I would say, you have a case. Conan, let's do it. You are absolutely correct. Physical, emotional. Next, there's gonna be maybe one more installment where we find out how this happened. Someone from Netflix has to tell us what happened.

1:09:57I'd love to find that out. I don't know. Who spotted this? Ruthie shared it with me. I'm not sure how Ruthie did. This is fantastic. Ruthie Wyatt. This is great. And I know there are probably people listening thinking Conan has enough. He doesn't need to make money off this. Clearly just a mistake made by Netflix. No, there's never enough. I want to make a killing off this. Okay? Sure. I want to buy a Greek island with the money I get from this. I would think we would have to, again, it's just you and I talking, right? No one else is listening. I would say, look, we have to try to at least show that we want to take this down.

1:10:30Even though you want it up. the first thing someone would ask you is well it's been up there for six months and you knew about it that's a difficult thing to overcome right I could see it coming down but then I want it back up after the suit's over there you go how's that and I can't feel my legs and neither can my doctor I like the legs part all right that it will get to the bottom of this so yeah more on this Netflix mystery yes when we come back thank you thank you thank you for having me Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

1:11:06Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:11:18Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:11:54And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:12:09I'm just going to say it. There's a Hyundai hybrid for everyone. There sure is. Yep. The Santa Fe hybrid SUV seats up to seven. Tucson hybrid SUV features standard H-track all-wheel drive. The Sonata hybrid limited sedan has exceptional performance and handling. and get up to an EPA. Estimated 52 highway miles per gallon with the sporty Elantra hybrid limited sedan. All Hyundai hybrids come with first-class safety features, advanced tech, stellar design, and America's best warranty. It's a good one. It is a good one. Hard to beat all those stats. America's best warranty claims based on total package of warranty programs.

1:12:47Visit HyundaiUSA.com or call. I'm going to give you a phone number. Write it down. Okay. 562-314-4603. for more details. When you're on a GLP-1, you often experience a smaller appetite. That means for GLP-1 users, every bite of food should be as nutritious and delicious as possible. And that's where Sprouts Farmers Market comes in. I knew they'd come in somewhere, and I guess now's where they come in. From nutrient-dense foods to proteins to supplements that help sustain muscle mass and energy levels, Sprouts has you covered. And with in-store wellness experts available, guidance is always within reach for any GLP one journey or broader health goals.

1:13:27Visit sprouts.com to find a sprouts market near you.