David Oyelowo

24:16there's so much to talk about in your film work, but I remember when you came on my late night program for Salma, for your brilliant portrayal of, of Martin Luther King Jr. And, and, and I remember we were talking about it and then realizing later on that you had been kind of method when you did that role, meaning that you really wanted to inhabit what you did so brilliantly. And I think there's no more difficult task. If you're talking about you playing these Shakespearean figures, If you're playing someone from distant history, you can interpret. But when you're playing someone who lived concurrently with our times, died in 1968, and there's all this footage, you need to create your interpretation.

24:58But it can't. It also needs to ring true. You really felt like you had to inhabit him all the time and be in character. How long did you do that for? It was three months of the shoot. And, you know, as you can tell, I have an English accent. We were shooting in Atlanta. And the worst thing about being an actor, especially playing that kind of role, is imposter syndrome. You go, well, I am not him, obviously. But you have all these people daily who you feel the need to convince you are him. But the worst thing you can do, I think, as an actor, is to be playing that room, in a sense, as opposed to the film, which is what people are ultimately going to see.

25:44So if I'm having to convince the crew, the extras, my fellow actors, moment to moment, that's too many things. It's already, you know, the margins for error are already what they are. So the way to take that out of the equation, I think, is for people to, by and large, just go, oh, that's not Dr. King, but that's David's version of Dr. King moving around the set. So it's not and roll camera action. And it's like a switch. It's too much to kind of be constantly doing. No, for you to be at the craft service table joking around with the crew. Right. And then, OK, you know, put down that pretzel and it's time to.

26:25We're going to be Dr. Martin Luther King now. Yeah. It seems like that would be impossible. It's also, you know, I had so many speeches, whether it be in a church at a rally or whatever. And there were people there, because of the locations we were shooting, who had been at marches with Dr. King, who had been in churches with Dr. King. I mean, John Lewis visited the set one day and decided to stay for one of my speeches. I was like, dude, please don't. That really doesn't help me at all. You're lovely and I love you. Please leave. Anytime you do any gesture, I can just picture John Lewis. Nope.

27:06wrong can you imagine he was lactose intolerant didn't like almonds either put the almonds down it's too much it's literally too much uh and so the way i oxidize that is to just kind of be in a what i would call king light you know where it's always there so that the extras aren't suddenly going oh look at look at that trick he's doing You know, you're trying to not act is the reality. And the best way to do that is to just be. And so if I'm being all the time, then hopefully that's what the camera's catching. People don't realize that this is, for people in your life, friends, I would think, especially family, if you're trying to maintain a certain persona or inhabit a character for three months, okay, that's one thing on the set, but what happens when you go home?

27:59Yeah, it's a nightmare. it's it's it's a it's a it's a nightmare particularly for my my wife at the time we were doing Selma we had also just moved into a new home and I remember her calling me to discuss curtain colors and I literally went well I think uh the gray and she went okay stop I am not discussing curtains with Dr. King. I absolutely, I draw the line there. We will pick this up after the film. Thank you very much. The other awful thing is, I have a dream of Venetian blind. I know, I know, I know. She's like, stop, stop. Time out, time out. Did you ever ask her to call back as his wife?

28:52I should have done that. I should have done that. No, but what she, what also happened was I put on about 40 pounds to play Dr. King. And, you know, he had, or I should say I had as him, what, you know, can only be described as man boobs. And my, my wife was incredibly tolerant of this. You know, I, I had, you know, I wasn't in the shape I normally pride myself on being in. And And the day that this thing wrapped, she came up to me, jiggled my man boots and said, so what are we doing? What are we doing? I was like, oh, my Lord. Like, give me a second. I mean, what are we doing here? What are we doing?

29:46What are we doing with this?

29:51Speedback.

29:55Literally. Come on. Oh, come on. Speedback. Yeah, but they would have been very good speedbacks. But yeah, I was like, okay, I guess my grace period is over. I will say this though for you, David. At least you had that excuse. Because I step out of the shower and I can't say, no, I'm playing Orson Welles at the end of his life. Right. Or my skin has been artificially freckled in a most horrifying way because I'm playing a striped bass in a movie. There's no way for me to go. It's like, I'm gonna play Conan in the Conan story. There's no... You're just stuck. I'm stuck. There is nowhere else to go.

30:43How do you relax? How do you, because you are clearly, you know, very professional and capable of really focusing, what takes you out of all of that? I have a very bizarre way of relaxing, which is to watch mixed martial arts. I am obsessed with UFC. And it's completely weird, but watching two men turn each other's faces into burger meat literally calms me down. And my wife, and the reason I know that is because a lot of my Saturday tends to be dedicated to this means of relaxation. My wife cannot bear it, neither can my daughter just how bloody these guys can get so my wife will watch me watching it in order to spend time with me on a saturday and she was like what i'm so tense watching this why are you so calm relaxed and i realized what it is is you know in what i do because i produce movies and tv shows as well it is so hard to get anything made it is so hard to get to the point of a result two men or two women go in this cage they have three five minute rounds someone will win someone will get a result out of this endeavor it will be on the base you're looking at me like i'm crazy because i agree with your wife for any time i've watched ufc i've tensed up and it makes me so uh it does the opposite of calm me down so i'm just i'm shocked this is how you chill i know but It's on the basis of so much preparation.

32:27They do something truly unnatural. They have to master five, six, seven, eight different disciplines. The amount of training, the amount of the weight cut, all these things they have to do to prepare, which is tantamount to some of what you do as an actor. You prepare, prepare, prepare. And as an actor, you don't know what the reviews are going to be. You don't know what the box office is going to be. You don't know if the film is ever going to come out. There's something so satisfying that within those 15 minutes, If it's three rounds or 25 minutes, if it's five rounds, you will have a result.

32:58That just puts me in such a zen place. It's bizarre, but that's how I relax. When did you discover UFC? When did you realize this is my drug? This relaxes me. It is like a drug for me. It's probably within the last five to seven years, which is synonymous with when I've done some of the work I'm most proud of from a screen perspective and from a producing perspective. You know, to be a Black person in Hollywood, to be a producer in Hollywood, to be someone who has the taste I have when it comes to the kind of stories I want to tell. I'm always trying to color outside of the lines. I'm always trying to give context to hitherto unseen, unknown characters, stories.

33:47My mantra is how do we normalize the marginalized? And in an industry that is so fear-based, so constantly looking for a comp or what has come before, and you're trying to do something that is, you know, hopefully groundbreaking, it's just, you spend your days in a state of wanting to bash your head against the wall quite a lot of the time. So this is - Have you considered participating in a UFC fight? Thankfully I discovered this when I was a bit older You have quite a nice face And I would hate to see anything happen to that face Yeah, it's not a sport that does well with Not the face, not the face!

34:26So, no I would be not the body or face in any way Not to me, not to me I would enter with a producer I would enter with Jeff Ross Or Jordan Slansky Right. And they would beat on that person. Oh, right. And then I would, if they, for some reason won, I would take the credit for it. Yes, you can do the victory lap. You know, you're talking about the marginalized and getting these stories, which is, I mean, it's so difficult. It's always been difficult to get things made. And we're in this time right now where it's extremely difficult. Yeah. And I have a lot of friends that work in, you know, mostly writers, but work in the industry.

35:07and less is being made, less is being produced right now. And there is a lot of fear. Can it be a superhero? Basically, yeah. The story that you want to tell, can we make it a superhero? And this series that you made, Lawmen, the Bass Reeves, about Bass Reeves is a great story. And you're depicting a real person who, I can't imagine a character who's more marginalized than this character. This is a story you've been trying to tell for a long time. For a long time, yeah. It was eight years. Eight years. An eight-year journey. I first encountered the notion of Bass Reeves in 2014. And as someone who was a fan of Westerns growing up, as I told you, I was a bit of a TV addict.

35:49So I loved watching them. And I never saw anyone who looked like me in them, but I still wanted to be a cowboy. I didn't even realize that there was an image I was missing in terms of, you know, me as a Black person in relation to that beloved genre and that, you know, incredible history in America specifically. So in 2014, when I found out who Bass Reeves was, and it felt like a story that kind of writes itself, in a sense, in terms of his achievements. Like you say, born into enslavement, ends up escaping enslavement by beating his master nearly to death and then living with Native Americans for a time, which is where he accrued the skills he used when he was deployed as a deputy U.S.

36:38Marshal and went on to have a 32-year career at the most dangerous time in the most dangerous place in America's history. And the only reason we have him is because of the Reconstruction era that came directly after the Civil War, where Black people were given the kind of agency that they had never had before. And that's what enabled him to sort of have the kind of rise whereby can you imagine the whiplash of being enslaved and being treated so poorly by white people and suddenly you are empowered to arrest those a lot of who were disgruntled because you are now no longer a slave but someone who has agency the very idea that uh uh someone who grew up in slavery a black man who grew up in slavery would be able to hold a gun right woods was something that was completely unimaginable, let alone then be in charge of enforcing the law.

37:30And then have a badge, yeah. And there's this, I was watching, there's this moment where early on in the show, it wasn't clear what your relationship was. You're in battle. And then there's a moment where it very much looks like you're serving alongside this general, this officer. And then at one point when the battle's over, you start to walk in one direction and he says, where are you going? And you shift your whole tone to this very servile, which was a great moment. You could see you're playing a character who also has to play a character. I don't understand why, because when you hear about the story, and I then went and looked up Bass Reeves, you think, why did this take eight years?

38:17This is a fantastic story. Yeah. And more importantly, why did this take the entire advent of cinema and TV before we have a, in my opinion, a show, a film that is commensurate with the show? I mean, he's turned up in shows as peripheral or tangential, but never central, never with this kind of focus. And when you think about where the Western occupies in the lexicon of cinema and TV, you can only point to one thing, which is racism, in relation to why we haven't yet seen this character. Someone who many people believe is the inspiration for The Lone Ranger, in fact, in terms of the exploits that he engaged in and with and what The Lone Ranger represents in terms of what we see in those stories.

39:11But, you know, it's interesting what you talked about there, the code switching that he has to employ in order to survive. Something that is very much alive and well for the marginalized in any society nowadays, if you want to get ahead, especially here in America. But that was what was such a gift to play as an actor, because he was always incredible. It was an opportunity that came along that he seized that allowed him to be the totality of who he could be and who he was. And that was afforded in this country in the 1860s. And the thing that I am... And then tragically taken away. Tragically taken away with Jim Crow.

39:50Yeah. But it's exactly why it was taken away. because people like Bas Ries were rising to the fore and that was in and of itself a threat. What's amazing is, I was thinking about it, because in your career you've played so many roles in different historical periods and I was thinking you're from the UK and Nigeria, but you may know more American history than most Americans just because of these roles that you're playing. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I, you know, and it's funny, it's 1865 through to the now. And that was, you know, I had my Daniel Day Lewis moment in Lincoln, playing a unionist soldier opposite him, berating him for spouting the Gettysburg Address, but not living by its tenants and saying, when are black people going to get the vote?

40:44And then in Selma, 19 presidents, 100 years later in 1965, I'm asking the same thing of Lyndon Johnson. When are black people going to get the vote? And then in The Butler, we go from the 50s through to the 2000s when Obama becomes president. I play a Tuskegee Airman in Red Tails as well. I was a preacher in The Help. And then you have with Bass Reeves, you know, 1860. So yeah, it's this sort of 150, 160 period in America's formative history that I've been blessed to tell some of those stories. I mean, you've had an amazing education in American history in a very unusual way. Yeah. I think a lot of people, maybe they don't, they either don't know it or they forget that right after the Civil War, there was this moment in Reconstruction where many former slaves are running for office and they're office holders.

41:41And it really does look like the promise is being met. Yeah. And then bang, the door comes down and it becomes very regressive the other way. Yeah. And that was one of the reasons I was so passionate about telling this story, because that is such an incredible moment in this country's history. And for reasons that, you know, I'm sure we can guess, that period has not been mined enough. It's actually a shameful period in America's history because it was the opportunity to deliver on the promise of what America wanted or said it wants to be. And then the reneging on that was so extreme with Jim Crow coming in and anyone who was marginalized, whether it be sharecropping or lynching or all the way through to the civil rights movement was the next time there was any kind of push towards the kind of agency and justice that was promised by Lincoln.

42:40And so it is the moment that birthed Tulsa and that awful situation. But there are African-Americans who did extraordinary things in those 12 to 13 years, which I'm just so desirous that we get to see more of that, because in many ways, it is a celebration of what America is, could be, should be. And that's why I love doing these historical films because we are so quick to forget. I mean, the moment that we're in in Hollywood right now is a pendulum swing from the Black Lives Matter movement, the Me Too movement, these moments very recently where there were huge gains made that are now being clawed back because we just refuse to learn from history and build on the knowledge accrued.

43:31which is why, you know, for me, storytelling is not just about entertainment. It's about holding culture and our communal community accountable. I always go back to the same thought, which is we're a work in progress. Yeah. America, the United States. It's a work in progress, and you have to acknowledge the terrible mistakes and flaws. You also have to acknowledge the great aspects of the culture. You have to, and you just have to keep going back at it. Absolutely. Keep going, getting back into the conversation and saying, how can we move the puzzle piece a little bit further? And the pendulum will swing.

44:07It'll go right. It'll go left. We just have to keep nudging it along. Absolutely. I always say you cannot be what you cannot see. And you need to see it. You need to see those great moments in order to continue to aspire towards them. And to me, Bass Reeves is a great moment. Not just a great man, but it's a great moment. And it's, you know, to me, I know it sounds a bit lofty, but it's a clarion call to how do we keep on finding our way back to our better selves. That's what Selma was for me as well. That's what Queen of Cartway was. That's what a United Kingdom was. That's certainly, you know, the work I'm most proud of.

44:45I think that's an element of it because I agree with you. That's part of how we be better is to know more. Who were the actors that you were watching when you were seeing cinema, when you were seeing film, when you were coming along, that you thought, okay, that person is inspiring me. That person is showing me the way. Yeah. I mean, my two big heroes, probably Sidney Poitier and Daniel Day-Lewis. My mom's favorite film was Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. So we would watch that time and time again. and his poise, you know, someone who looked like, I get emotional just thinking about it, but someone who looked like me and had the bearing of my father and my uncles.

45:35And that was just not something you saw almost at all. Certainly not in films that were universally acclaimed, like In the Heat of the Night as well, which is just a formative piece of cinema for me. But then also just seeing Daniel Day-Lewis in my left foot and just thinking, I simply do not understand how it is possible for an actor to achieve that level of embodiment. When I found out he was able-bodied, when I heard him speak and he was so opposite to that, it was the moment I determined that as an actor, the thing I want to aspire to be the most is chameleonics. someone who you roll to roll, you're going, which way is he going to go next?

46:21Because that's what I love about Daniel Day-Lewis. That's what I love about Christian Bale. That's what I, you know, love about, about, about what I get to do is I have no interest in playing some kind of version of myself. I always want to go to the character. Yeah. There's also, there's a, obviously there's a tradition in movies where someone's always playing a version of themselves and, and, and not just Americans, but worldwide people make room for that and they really like it. Some of the iconic movie stars are just playing. You almost want to laugh when they say, well, my character in this, you're like, what do you mean your character in this?

46:56I'm sorry, Clint Eastwood, I love you, but you're always, let me guess, you're squinting, you're a man of few words, and you're going to kick the shit out of somebody if they wrong you. And we love you for it. And we love you for it. But this idea of that you can shapeshift, I don't understand it. It's mystical to me. I'm so glad you used the phrase mystical because this is where you can kind of get into what kind of feels conceited territory. But to me, you know, in the moment of playing Dr. King or even with Bass Reeves, I remember us shooting on an actual plantation. And it was a plantation where 80 people had been enslaved back in the day.

47:39It was an incredibly difficult place to shoot because I kid you not, the ghosts of that fact were present. And the nature of the scenes that we were doing were all the more difficult, all the more true, all the more lived in for that fact. And there is a kind of exchange that is mystical, spiritual, and it's about how much you're prepared to open yourself up to that in order to be flowed through by the history, by the writing, by the direction, by the other actors, with the audience in mind. What are you, by way of service, offering up to them? and what we do what I am so privileged to do is you're constantly in the pursuit of trying to capture lightning in a bottle and there are certain circumstances under which there is more likelihood for that to happen than than others and it's about an openness and that openness you know if I've done my work if I am staying to a certain degree in the character if I'm open to what is coming at me by way of stimulus.

48:48That has been the moments where even now when I watch Selma, I have a complete disconnection from it because I was in a place I almost can't fully quantify or understand because of the alchemy of what was happening in that moment. And that's the joy. That's the benefit of when you're doing it at the highest level with directors like Ava DuVernay and incredible actors around you and great writing. It's a mystical thing. There's also, you mentioned something that I completely believe in. Of course it makes sense that you go back to a plantation and pick up on this trauma. You know what I mean? And that would inform what you're doing.

49:32I'm so glad that you've talked about this because it's one of the tricky things as a producer you face when you're trying to tell a true story and you go, oh yeah there's a good tax break in canada for for and go actually with this story i think we've got to fight to be in the place and every time it has yielded intangible but indisputable benefits you know we had that we shot on the edmund pettus bridge yes selma we were there we were on the montgomery state house steps where dr king gave that speech and i it's gonna sound so crazy but that morning of giving that speech, the FBI had told him, you will be assassinated if you do that speech.

50:17It's too open. We have no way to protect you. And he chose to give that speech anyway. And I woke up with this just overwhelming sense that I was going to be assassinated that day. I know it doesn't fully make sense, but it wasn't till the end of that day where we had shut the scene and it was done. I found myself going, gosh, I'm still alive. And it was to do with being in that place. We shot a United Kingdom in Botswana. They wanted us to shoot it in South Africa. There was a completely different vibe from being there. Same thing with Queen of Cartway, shooting it in Cartway. There is energy that you pick up, finds its way onto the celluloid, finds its way through the screen, into the audience.

50:58And at the end of the day, the true job of a storyteller is the pursuit of the truth. And the audience can feel when they are getting a watered-down version of that. And you come out just going, well, the film was okay. You're not necessarily saying it wasn't true. But when you have been served up something that feels truly authentic, it speaks to the human being in you, which is why the best films we love, you have a protagonist that you can tether yourself to and you go, I am relating to this character. I am working out what I would do in this scenario. That's because they are a three-dimensional, believable human being that you can relate to.

51:37I'm invested in them too. That's it. I'm invested in them. I really care what happens to this person. That can only happen if it's true. If it feels true to what it is to be a human being. Well, I could talk to you for 50 hours. I seriously could. Likewise. And, you know, the delightful thing, there are many delightful things about you, but the fact that we started out, there's so much just laughing, just really good nature, humor, and then we get to this other place that's really beautiful. that's the my favorite kind of podcast conversation and just i shouldn't even say podcast conversation that's my favorite kind of conversation yeah it really means a lot to me so um go forth continue to do great things thank you and uh i am just a massive fan you're welcome here anytime oh i appreciate it and uh you know if you see a really good part for me as a producer.

52:28A statuesque blonde. Wrap it up. You could have ended. You could have ended. I'm just saying. You could have ended it. Sort of a later in life Marilyn, just before the end. Oh, wrap that. I can see you being a great incompetent senator. I can see that in Coriolanus. I'm there. Fabulous. I am there. Maybe not your production. I don't think you have. And you know what? He'd bring it down. He'd bring it down. David would be recommending me to every other Shakespeare producer in London. And they'd be like, well, how come you don't? How come you don't? No, no, no. I think he's better for you. He's going to be fantastic.

53:06His reviews rave. Yeah. And all the other ones. Exactly. I'd be like, yes, mission accomplished. We took him down. Conan O 'Brien has ruined yet another Shakespearean play. David, bless you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. This was great. Thank you so much.

53:30We're actually recording a segment when we did not expect to do one. That's right. And so we have no idea for a segment. We just sat around trying to think about what to talk about. We really did. Let's just dive in. We spent about 30 seconds and then you said, let's just dive in. Yeah. Because you guys seem to be allergic to thinking about anything beforehand. Yes, our guest, who will not be named, has been delayed. and so we thought let's get some work done. Right. So we're here. Let me describe the scene. Oh, right. You can watch this on these nice high-def cameras. So there goes that whole idea.

54:02Do you guys ever look at the camera when you're saying anything? Because you, especially, you know, late night TV, you were always looking down the camera barrier. Yeah, you know what's funny? And this is a true story. Maybe a week ago I went into a store and it had the security camera that has the big screen where you can look at yourself. and I started walking backwards and forwards to the security screen. Oh, why? Oh my God. And I was just having fun the way I did when I was a kid. And then I remember, I do this. I did this for a living for 9 ,000 hours. Yes. And I'm like, look, there's me there, but here's me here.

54:39What's wrong with you? I know, it was very sad, but I really did that. But I don't understand, most people just listen, they don't watch. Or is it half and half? Yeah, Adam, let us know. Adam, maybe you can break it down for us. And don't be afraid to approach what we in the business call the microphone. Still more people listen than watch. I think that's good. But we do have clips that go out on video that will sometimes get up as high as our podcast episodes. Like, actually, recently, the Dr. Arroyo... Oh, my God. He was so funny. That did huge numbers. Yeah. Separately, when you broke down your experience on Hot Ones, that did huge numbers on video.

55:15Right. but typically the podcast audio episodes is where we get those for audio. I like to act like no one can see what we're doing. It feels like anything referencing Hot Ones does well so why don't we just talk about Hot Ones all the time? There's a whole generation that thinks I'm a guy who came out of nowhere, did Hot Ones and now I'm trying to cobble together a career based on Hot Ones. If we start to lose listeners we could turn this into a Hot Ones rewatch podcast. Yeah. Great idea. Right. Yeah. Good idea. or else just occasionally say, man, that's a crazy thing that happened to me. And then, Sonya, you could say, what are you talking about, boss?

55:52And I could say, oh, no one would care. Just a really insane behind-the-scenes and Hot Ones story that nobody knows about. Or we could start making the guests eat chicken wings that get increasingly more spicy. Right, and then when the Hot Ones people come after us say, this in no way has anything to do. Yes. Yeah. How dare you? And then we'll get a black tablecloth, and you'll shave your head. I'll shave my head. We'll call it scorching ones.

56:24Temperate, warm ones. Temperate, warm ones. No, warm ones. Oh, we're going warm? Luke warm ones. Luke warm. Cooler than hot. Oh. Oh. Oh, yes. Thank you. This one's better than the Conan one. This is hot ones. This is the latest one with Chris Hemsworth. Oh, they started a new season. Okay. And how'd it go? Anyone watch it yet? It's Chris Hemsworth. So I think it's going very well. Because it's Chris Hemsworth. You know, that's the thing. Look what I had to do to get the viewer interested. I had to destroy my intestinal tract, okay? But then Chris Hemsworth can just be there and smile. Look how cute he is.

57:06Look, they're having fun. Sorry, are you still here? Yeah, we're kind of busy right now. I hate it here. You're still here? I'm sorry, I thought you left. I was cursed with this puss. God gave me this face. You can turn that off now. I mean, it's ridiculous. No, you can leave it on. No, no, turn it off for now. Conan O 'Brien is cursed with this puss. Can I just say when I was born, the doctor held me up to my mom and she said, oh my God, what happened to his puss? Which is how people talked back then. Is that a true story? No. Because my mom cried when she saw my face. What? Yeah, she thought I was a really ugly baby.

57:43No. I'm not joking because my nose was crooked too. Even so, who told you this? My mom did. She did. Oh, that's not cool. Now, a lot of babies get sort of smushed on the way out. I got smushed. Yeah. And I was smushed. And then it takes a while for things to pop back. I don't know if pop back is like the right way to describe it. Well, how long was your nose smushed for until you were - It's still a little crooked. It's not like normal. My nose is not normal, but it was like really crooked. And I saw the first picture that they take, you know, they take the first picture of you in the hospital.

58:15And I was like, I get it. My baby picture is horrifying. It's just horrifying. And I just have this looks like copper wiring on my head. And I was the only one in my family of six kids that had this copper colored hair. Yeah. And it was it was just a freak show. Yeah, I was very my I asked my mom once. and she said, you were a fat little Buddha with orange hair. And I was like, okay. She said it like that? She said, a fat little Buddha with orange hair. And then she gets all happy when she talks about my brothers and sisters. Oh, that's your mom's way of saying you were not the cutest baby. And unloved.

58:53But you knew that. I did know that, which always helps. Hey, thanks, good friend. But no, it gave me this drive to overcome. No, it didn't. Yeah, it did. Sure it did. No, it didn't. It always goes back. There's a rosebud somewhere. And mine is my mom saying, you fat little Buddha with orange hair. Your rosebud is your cursed puss. Yes, my cursed puss. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, look, I got a face for radio. Let's put it that way. Come on, man. And, um. Well, that's good that we're doing a podcast. Oh, good defense, Sona. You didn't come up with one thing. Oh, this part of you looks good. This part of you, you just went, oh, no.

59:31Let me tell you something. For years, people have said, hey, you're real funny. Too bad. About your puss. I get that all the time. You've never gotten that. And you know what? It's not fair to talk about this after we saw Chris Hemsworth. Because he is a freak. Like, he is just like a... I know. I'd hate to look like that. I know. Yeah. Awful. To go through life like that? Gross. That's a perfect puss. That's a perfect... And it's not just the puss. It's the whole package. Also, I'll tell you something else. What a charming fellow. I know. That's the other thing. Yeah. God damn it. That's okay.

1:00:01And he also seems kind of funny. You know? He seems like he's got the whole thing. That's where I get mad. Adam's really nodding. He is funny. Because of Thor. He's funny in Thor. No, he's a very funny actor. He's got the whole package. I bet his Hot Ones is hysterical. Well, it probably is. It's not important. I'm not a competitive person. I'm someone who's just happy that my Hot Ones was considered the greatest of all time. That's all. By virtually every periodical. um now uh let's move on can i i'm sorry just to for my mom's sake she she doesn't think i'm ugly now well that's a big i felt like i made her a bad mom because she was like you were an ugly baby but i i actually appreciated the honesty instead of her just there's no reason to be there's no reason to be honest at that point that's just that's something you're supposed to be honest about what do you know you don't have to be honest it's like okay mom you know you were going through a lot.

1:00:58You just gave birth and you had an ugly baby and you were sad about it. That's okay. Yeah, but maybe she smushed you a bit on the way out. She smushed me. Well, you had to pass through your mother and so maybe she smushed you. How? Please explain. Contracted. Maybe gave you a little smusharoo. So maybe it's her fault. She did it on purpose? Yeah. Maybe she felt you coming out and she said, tell me when the face is coming out. And then they said, the face now. And she went, I smush you. She is a cursed puss. I smushed her face Your mother timed it What is wrong? Your mother timed it And then did What are they?

1:01:36Hagel crunches? Kegels I thought they were named After Dr. Hagel No Oh, whatever There's Hagel crunches And Kegels Kegel exercise Okay So anyway Your mother was like Just tell me when face come out So I can give her a hard time For the first 15 years The accent So insulting Tell me But also Very accurate But tell me doctor The time you went face, come out. And I do kegel. And then the doctor's like, okay, if you want. And the face is out now. I swish you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1:02:11What is wrong with you? I just got dizzy. Oh, no. I just laughed so hard that the blood went out of my head. You know, to come for a circle. I swish you. Who says that to their baby as it's coming out of the vaginal canal? I'm giving a look to the camera like. To come full circle, you look at that camera and you apologize to America right now. America, I smush you! And my mom. You know what you did, Nadia. You smush her! She's beautiful now, but all those years of unsmushing, the operations, the procedures. Just tell me when face pass through. Okay, that's unusual. We don't... I smush you! All right, I need a drink and I need some pills immediately.

1:02:55I went too far. I love your mom. Love you, Nadia, but you know what you did. Peace out, everybody. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:03:26Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.