Denis Leary

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25:20terms apply.

25:27You've gotten me to what I want to talk about, which is, I didn't even know this, but a number of years ago you said, Hey, I'm your cousin. We're related. Cause I think you didn't know it either. I had no idea. And then, um, I, uh, so we, we try to look into it. You're from Worcester, Mass. Yep. All my people are from Worcester, Mass. My father's side of the family is from just outside Worcester. My mother's side of the family is from Worcester. So the Reardons are from Worcester. The O 'Briens are from like, um, towns outside Millbury, Sturbridge. And so - Basically Worcester. Basically Worcester.

26:01Yeah. And my grandfather was, uh, directed traffic downtown in Worcester. And that was the job he had. As we say, Worcester. Worcester. Worcester. Worcester. And I used to go and hang out, uh, with my cousin there when I was growing up and hang out in Worcester and there was one thing to do and one thing only, which is for some reason, there was a museum of armor. Oh yeah. From like the 14th. Yeah. Museum of armor. And so people would say, did you go to the armor museum? Yeah. And literally what it was, it's not even that well curated. It was just a big, it was a big old office building that hadn't been used, that had been shut down in like 1920 and they filled it with armor that they didn't clean.

26:45It was just, I think some of it, most of it wasn't on a mannequin. It was just horrible. It was horrible. And it looked like a hoarder's attic of armor. And so I remember I'd be saying, my cousin and my aunt would be like, go see the armor. Why don't you go see some armor? That was a big highlight in Worcester. And literally like, we did that yesterday. Do it again. Because it's Worcester and that's what you do. There's not a lot. And you'd walk around and go, yep, there it is. Now they have a minor league baseball team for the Red Sox. Polo Park, which is downtown. Used to be the Pawtucket Red Sox and they moved.

27:18Is that right? They moved to Worcester. Yep. And it's Polo Park, nice little ballpark in downtown Worcester. And they have a minor league hockey team. And so things are looking up. This is how, and the thing is, when you're from Worcester. Only took us 150 years. Here's the really funny thing. Yeah. The mill closed in like 1902. Listen, let me tell you, when I was growing up and some people are still bemoaning this. It was the heroin capital of New England for a while when I was like a teenager. Why do you think I was there? But we were literally like, hey, we're famous for something. Yeah. Right?

27:51And then, I think it's now Lowell. Anyways, it's like 10 years ago. Lowell took the crown. Lowell took the crown. We can get it back, Worcester. And I was like, so now we have nothing? So Lowell took the herald. We're still in the capital of New England. We don't even have that. I think we still have the armory. Yeah. But, yeah, and the thing is, Worcester, this is how Worcester-centric people get. And don't get me wrong, I love Worcester. And my whole family's there. It's a big deal. And the people are lovely. And it was a big part of my growing up because that's where I'd go see my grandparents and cousins.

28:24So it's very near and dear to my heart. But I will say that when you're in Worcester, everything's Worcester-centric and nothing exists outside Worcester when you're there. So I had the experience of when I got the late night show in 1993 there's all this speculation first of all my my own relatives were like what the hell you're gonna take over for letterman i'd be like um yeah i guess so i mean what the hell are you talking about you can't take over for letterman they were i think i remember my family my you know because my everybody still lives in worcester and they were all like hey do you know this guy yeah i'm like no i don't know this guy no one knew that guy and so for letterman yeah i was like yeah i don't know i don't know good luck to him yeah So, look at us.

29:08Years later, here you are covering up pools in Hollywood. Close that fucking pool. Everybody inside. Destroy it. Fit it with cement. So, I am there. I'm in Worcester visiting my uncle, Jim Murden. We called him Gavin. Wait a minute, what? Makes perfect sense. Yeah, his name is Gavin. That's what we called him, Uncle Gavin. And Uncle Gavin said to me, I know who your first guest should be. And, you know, at the time people were saying, you know, when you have your talk show, you can have pretty much anyone as your first guest. Anyone will be like, oh, my God, first guest on a talk show. And if it goes, then I'm always going to be the first guest.

29:49So you pretty much have whoever you want. And he went, I know who it's going to be. And this is what you got to do. And I said, who? And he said, Bob Cousy. And I said, what? And he said, Bob Cousy. Bob Cousy. Oh, my God. A big star out of Holy Cross College in Worcester, who was a big star for the Celtics in the 1940s and 50s. Back when people shot, he would shoot his, whiter than me, and he would shoot his free throws between his legs. Like he'd. Granny style. Granny style. He would shoot them between his legs. And great player. But this is 1993. And I'm being told. By the way, he's still alive.

30:27Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's 100. And God bless you. I'd have him now. I'd have him now. But as my first guest in 1993, can you imagine if I said, Bob Cousy. You know, when I was a kid. But that's how, and I said, I don't know if that's going to work for the first, and they're like, what are you talking about? It's Bob Cousy. It's Bob Cousy. Everyone's going to go crazy. Yeah, everyone in Worcester is going to go crazy. He lived in what they call the nice section of Worcester, which I can't remember at that time when it was, when we were growing up. But on Sundays, you know when your parents would drive around and look at houses that you're never going to live in?

30:56Yep. After mass on Sundays? Yeah. because we lived in Maine South. We lived in an apartment in a two and a half decker, not even a three decker. So my father would drive us by Bob Cousy's house in the nice neighborhood. He's like, Bob Cousy's house. And we're like, yeah, we know. We go by it every Sunday. You know what I mean? We go to the armory now. He had a driving school for a while in Worcester. What? Yeah, a driving school. Bob Cousy's driving school. I want to drive like Bob Cousy. I mean, like, what is that? Why the fuck does he have a driving school? So this I want to ask you about because this is something you can relate to because of what you just said.

31:33And I wasn't going to talk about this, but when you're Irish Catholic and growing up in, you know, and you're in Boston or you're in Central Massachusetts, there's this whole thing of what kind of Irish are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mother was, you know, had been the first in her family, like to, I'm not the first in her family, but her generation was the first in her family, obviously, to go to college. Yeah, yeah. And she had really worked hard, and she had become a lawyer, and she used to sometimes talk to us about how we are not, you know, we are not, we are lace curtain Irish. And my brothers and I would, my sisters would be sitting around being like, what are you talking about?

32:21What? And she'd say, you know, we are not triple-decker Irish. You know, she would have - You'll come out of Worcester and become a Lace Carton Irish. No, exactly. And I'd say, mom, what are you talking about? Just because you moved to Brookline? Yeah, and also, I'd look in the corner, it'd be like a ham hanging on a rope. And my brother Neil was hanging off of it like a bear in the woods. I mean, all of our behavior. What? We would have potato fights. There was, I mean, there was nothing about us that was at all respectable in the way that we behaved, but she was just willing it to be so. Do you know what I mean?

32:55It's so crazy. Because when I heard Lace Kurt and I, when you grow up in Massachusetts, especially in our age group, like the fucking Kennedys, right? Yeah. This is before, you know, RFK Jr. This is like when the Kennedys were the Kennedys, right? Right, right. So I still remember, actually, this is like one of my first memories as a kid growing up. Like, I don't know why. It's the summer of 63. My parents couldn't afford to go back to Ireland when they came over in 49 and 50. They couldn't afford to go back. Then in 1963 was the first time they could afford to go, but they can only take one kid with them because they didn't have enough money.

33:31So my older brother, Johnny, got to go, and the rest of us got dispersed to other apartments as cousins. Now, let's keep in mind, this is 1803. We ate coal for breakfast. So I remember that summer really well because that's the summer that JFK went to Ireland. Yep. Huge deal. I remember being at Logan, and my mother and my father get on this plane with my brother, who I really hate now because he's going to Ireland. And I got stuck with my Aunt Betty, who had no kids, and who gave me a Bible. It's the summertime. She gave me a Bible. It was a summertime Bible. I had a good one. Charlie XCX, summertime Bible.

34:07It's Bible summer.

34:11It's Bible summer. I don't know why that didn't catch on. She keeps flogging it, and it's not catching on. Oh, my God. she took us i had to go to mass every day i had to go to mass every day and then she'd walk me over to where my sister emory was at my my cousin's lucy's they were a couple blocks away where all the kids were having a blast in their yard and she was like i don't want you to get too dirty we have to go back and i'm like that was a month of the but anyways also that when my parents came back which i still remember that kennedy was in ireland which was a big thing but And then he spoke at Holy Cross that summer, at the end of the summer.

34:50So he drove through the neighborhood with the cover on the car. Yeah. Unfortunate choice. In Worcester. Yeah. There's nothing to worry about Worcester. Yeah. He went to, yeah. And that was like three months later when he got killed. And I remember that because that, I remember the nuns telling us to go home because we lived in the, we went to school in the neighborhood where we lived. So, you know, it was, I think I was in art class, I think, that day. We were in art class and the nuns were like, everybody go home. We're like, what? Because they knew the... If a nun told me to go home, I wouldn't question it for a second.

35:22Wait a minute. Are you sure we can't have more Catholic instruction? Because I think we got 40 minutes left. Sit down, Mr. O 'Brien. I just got a new Bible. I just got my summertime Bible. That summer lives in my... That was so horrible, living without Betty. Oh, my God. She dressed me up with a tie every day in the summertime. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Mass every day. Mass every day. I didn't know they did that. With this stupid fucking Bible. Stupid fucking. Did you ever question why you were chosen to go with Betty and the other ones got to go there? Because she didn't have any kids, and they felt bad later when I asked them.

36:01But they were like, we wanted her to have a kid. But why did you have to go to Betty? There must have been a reason. Because I was her godchild. Oh. Oh, there you go. And her fucking husband. And that's a sacred bond. Her husband was dead. You drew the short straw. Oh, my God. It was so fucking horrible. Anyways, but thank God I lived past it. So, well, she's here today. Let's bring her out. She's a hundred and - I'm still alone. No, it's so funny because there's this - There's no - There's this life that I knew growing up and it's everyone's Irish. Everybody's Irish. Everybody's Irish and Massachusetts.

36:41sits. And so, and, and, you know, we don't get to choose what our makeup is. Uh, that's just what we are. And it's so interesting to me how comedy, I don't know. It just felt like a cellular thing. It didn't even feel like a choice. It's just something in your family. I'm, I know from what I've heard you say before, I know in my family, this is true. My parents were really funny. All my aunts were really funny. Everybody was sarcastic. Yeah. And so I'm sure your family It was the same thing. And really funny stories and people just laughing their asses off around the table, eating some of the unhealthiest food that you can imagine.

37:21Oh, the worst. The worst. Oh my God. I keep waiting for the Surgeon General to say, you know, ham is, fried ham with butter is actually lengthens your life because then I'd be in great shape. I remember there was an Italian family that lived next door, the Corellis. Their mother used to cook. Like while you were out playing football or baseball or street hockey in the street in the summertime, she would come out with homemade pizza or, I mean, just unbelievable. So my brother, my brother and I, my brother ended up marrying an Italian girl. My brother was like, you know, mom, Mrs. Corelli makes the best.

37:56And she's like, I can make pasta. I can make spaghetti. And we were like, oh, please don't. Right. And so one night she made this. I'll never forget this. She, I loved her. I loved my mother. She just passed away this year. She was 98. and she was lucid right up to the end but she was an Irish cook you know what that is boil it you remember Don Gavin the comedian from Boston he had a great line one time he was like I was eating my mother's food and my brother turned to me and said this tastes like shit and I went you can taste it that sums up Irish food so I remember what I remember very clearly is my mom would say wanted to make she used to make spaghetti with meat sauce was you know what she thought was spaghetti meat sauce basically what it was was many packages of hamburger meat yes that are that are fried up in a giant and then you put some pasta in there and there was i don't even know if there was sauce but for years and i loved it but i thought that that was spaghetti with meat sauce and so when i went to when i you know finally left home and then i'm in new york and i go to an italian restaurant I was, I think I was berating a waiter.

39:10Like, sir, there should be six hamburgers. There should be at least three pounds of ground beef that's been fried in this. I mean, basically I thought it was a burger. And there's too much flavor. What's going on here? Why do I suddenly taste things? Why does it taste good? Yeah. It was great. And also then my brother married an Italian and there was a lot of Italians in the neighborhood. There was Armenians in our neighborhood. It was crazy. We went to the same school for 12 years, right? So you had all these different Puerto Ricans, these different kinds of food. And every night you're eating stuff that you can't taste.

39:47Yeah. And then on Fridays when they have fish, it's fish sticks. Fish sticks. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. And my dad putting ketchup on the pasta. Oh, yeah. Well, that's, I mean. I mean, what? Where do we live? And you're like, listen, go out the back door on the porch and look across at the porch across the alley. you there's puerto rican people eating really good food can we go over there the corellis are right over here oh my god my father my father ate literally he ate meat at everything he ate had to have meat yeah bacon and eggs steak and eggs you know he smoked five packs a day i i should talk i smoked for 52 years well i i remember very clearly you know getting the talk show and doing a talk show.

40:32It's like two years in, it's starting to level out. It looks like I'm going to make it. I went to some, with my girlfriend at the time, some fancy kind of resorty place in California. Cause I had a week, I think I had a week off, which never happened. And we went out and I think it was, you know, sort of North of San Francisco, right on, you know, cliffs. And, and it was a very, uh, supposed to be like a very wonderful, health conscious place. And I'll never forget, I went in the morning to get my breakfast and they had laid out this table today that I'd be delighted with. Fruits, granola, different, you know, juices, all that kind of stuff.

41:13And I started to get mad and I was holding my plate and I was like shaking. I was so mad. My girlfriend was like, what's your problem? I was like, there's no eggs, there's no bacon. And she was like, hey, chill. No, no, no, no, no, no. And then I went outside, I put the plate down, I walked outside and I started kicking a tree. What? I was so mad. And you were like, at what age are you at that point? I was like 32. Oh my God. Hey listen, I'm with it. Because, and keep in mind at that time, I went and got a cholesterol test and they said my cholesterol was like, you know, 350. And I remember having this image in my head that if I stopped fast at a traffic light in my car, a cholesterol in me would come crashing through my chest because I was made of fucking cholesterol.

42:01But it's not your fault. That's your parents and your grandparents. It's Ireland's fault. But this morning, you know, my wife makes granola. I put some berries in there. That's what I had this morning. But I still, when she's not looking, put six slices of ham. Ham on a rope. I love bacon, man. Oh, yeah. I love bacon. And by the way, I love Ireland. but I've got a lot of cousins there and I'm shooting a television show over there. Yeah, I want to talk about that. Yeah. So it's funny because my generation, like two of my cousins took over the family farms, which are very close to each other in Killarney.

42:37My mother and my father met in Killarney. And so it's so interesting because healthy food, like many other things, have come to Ireland. Ireland is doing great financially and it's film and television industry is booming there. And other, as I've grown up, Spanish food and all these other kinds of food have come into, even in Killarney, you go into Killarney, you can get French food and Spanish, which is fantastic. I went, this is not that long ago, 15, 20 years ago, maybe. Went back to Ireland with my mother and we went to a restaurant in town. A bunch of cousins my age and their kids and my kids.

43:17And it was this like really nice Spanish restaurant, which I'd never been to. And they're like, it's great. and we get there and my uncle Dennis who I'm named for my mom's brother and my mom it's like 20 people at the stable we go in there and we order and they I think they're ordering right and then next thing I know we're all talking everything one of my cousins comes in and he's got fish and chip bags from the from the fish and chip place across the street like they're just dripping with grease brown bags and I'm like this kid's gonna eat and hands a bag to my mom and a bag to my uncle Dennis who are way down there.

43:49So I go to my cousin, Mahal. I go, what's going on? He goes, oh, they won't eat the Spanish food, so they're allowed to bring in fish and chips. I go, ma, you... And she goes, I'm not having this stuff, this Spanish stuff. Yeah. Everyone knows Spanish food is awful. She literally... She wouldn't even eat a real Italian food she didn't like. She was like, meat, potatoes. I had... Also, we're like vampires when you show us a vegetable. Right.

44:22When I lived in Charlestown, my girlfriend, my wife now, we had my sister and Marie and my mom over, because my mom was in Boston getting some health stuff done. And so she steamed some salmon and some broccoli and some kind of potato dish, and she served it. My sister and Marie, my mother, we're all talking and everything, so they bite in it, and my sister and Marie goes, Hey, this broccoli, it's hot. and so Anne Marie goes and it's green and my girlfriend Anne goes no no no I know Anne I steamed it and she goes no no but it's hot and she takes her plate and my mother's plate and goes into our kitchen in the apartment and reboils the broccoli yeah I I understand I understand that was the same apartment where my mother literally my mother said to me one day she goes she was there When we were growing up in the 70s, my parents got the avocado green refrigerator and stove.

45:23Yep. You remember that? Yep. So my mother's in the kitchen of that apartment and she picks up an avocado and she goes, now this is an avocado, right? This is like, this is 1985. Yeah. Yeah. This is an avocado, right? And I go, yeah. She goes, huh, yeah. And I go, what? You've never seen an avocado? No, no, I've seen avocados. I'm just saying that's an avocado. And I go, yeah. And she goes, spoken like someone who really is around avocados a lot. I'm like, Ma, I said, when we were growing up, didn't you have an avocado colored? Yeah, she goes, we had the color design and the kitchen was avocado, but I wouldn't eat those things.

45:58She goes, they're so greasy and soft. I'm like, oh my God, greasy and soft. Who would describe an avocado as greasy? And also people who eat grease, eat grease. Ma, it's green. You came from a green day. Emerald Isle. It ties into our home. I remember saying this to my mother. I can't. My mother said this one time, this kid that we grew up with, one of my best friends, a raging alcoholic, died from alcoholism, very young. And she goes, this is just a theme. You'll recognize this one. I go, yeah, so listen, he's coming over. He quit drinking. This is at her house in Worcester. He's coming over.

46:40He quit drinking. So don't give him anything. She goes, okay. He walks in the door. She says, I sit down. And the next thing I know, she cracks a beer and puts it in front of him. I go, Mo, what are you doing? And he, of course, he's like, hey, like this. She goes, what? I go, he can't drink. You can't drink. And he goes, I know. Yeah, I can't. She goes, no, that's just beer. Yeah. Beer doesn't count. Guinness doesn't count. Beer doesn't count. Right. No, Guinness is, Guinness is like a glass of milk. Oh, that's growing up. Yeah. It's like a loaf of bread. Yeah. Oh, my God. I know. He can't be an alcoholic.

47:12All he drinks is beer.

47:17he had 35 beers he's okay he's driving a school bus in the morning he'll be all right my brother i would be in a car with my or a van with my brother when we were like in our 20s and he'd be he'd have a cooler full of beer and i'd be like you're driving and drinking beers he goes yeah it's not like i'm drinking booze what is happening you know what's so funny you know what's so funny Where's the frog? This all makes perfect sense. It doesn't even sound like comedy to me. Cause it's just, you're like, we're like two fish and you're describing water. And these two lizards over here are going water, water.

47:57And I'm like, what are you talking about? Of course, no one would have a hard vegetable. You need to boil that shit until it's a paste. And it's gray. And I have to tell you, like. A gray paste. So funny. I have, because of my algorithms on my Instagram feed, on my phone every day comes, up comes like from last night there was one this morning I saw you know, people fighting at a hockey game in Massachusetts, right? A kid's hockey game. The one this morning was, you see these two guys go oh yeah? Say it again, say it again it's a girl's hockey game, you can see the girl stopping and then you see a woman coming a woman, of course, it's Massachusetts and she hits the first guy.

48:40Hey! You shut up and leave him alone. There's always a woman. Every girlfriend I had that was from Massachusetts could fight. Yeah. The Nebraska sisters. Oh, my God. You did not want to mess with them. No. It's crazy. God. These are kids hockey games? Kids. Oh, yeah. Last night. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say, like, fans from, like, you know, Bruins and another team. A fight can break out at any time.

49:12I was at the airport. I was waiting in one of those long lines. And I kept saying, hey, let me through. I'm Conan O 'Brien. And they said, shut up. You'll wait in line. And I went, oh, okay. That's so sad. It's a really good story. But I was hungry. I didn't have a snack with me. You got to keep... And I didn't want to lose my place in line and go try and find something. I know. That's when you got to have Nutri-Grain on you. You got to always have a snack in your bag. and when it's a Nutri-Grain, it's perfect. It's perfect because it's the right size. It's handy. It's also nutritious. Yes. Okay.

49:43You can go anywhere. It's made with 10 grams of whole grains, 10 vitamins and minerals. These guys are obsessed with tens and no high fructose corn syrup. Nutri-Grain nourishes and it hits the spot with delicious flavors. They got strawberry, apple cinnamon, blueberry flavors. I just had a blueberry back in the snack area. Yeah. With a little bit of a glass of milk. You earned it. Nice job. Nice job. Find nutritious and always delicious Nutri-Grain bars at your favorite store or online retailer today and look for new Nutri-Grain Crunchy bars in stores near you. Oh, I'll get that crunchy, I will.

50:23So much I'm looking forward to this summer. Me too. You know what I'm talking about? First of all, July 4th is going to be the 250th anniversary of the United States of America. That's a big deal. And just as important, some pretty big soccer games headed our way. Sport. I don't want to get too specific, but let's say some pretty big soccer games are coming our way. On a global scale. On a global scale, that's all we'll say. So much to celebrate this summer, so you got to keep a classic with Miller Lite. Miller Lite has been a true American Pilsner and the original Lite beer since 1975. Were you even alive, Mennsummer?

50:57No, I was not. Yeah, I think that's good because you couldn't handle the beginning of the Miller Lite era. No. It's too iconic. Okay. Here's my summer, okay? Yeah. Hang with my buddies. Yeah. Hey, this is a really good iconic soccer game that's happening that unifies all the different nations of the world. Mm-hmm. What is it? I don't have time to tell you, but let's have some Miller Lite. Clean, finished, refreshing, easy to drink. And when it's hot outside, nothing feels better going down than an icy, cool Miller Lite. It's an all-American summer and it starts with all-American beer, Miller Lite.

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51:48But you know what's interesting is the whole culture, there's something in the whole culture, and it's in the comedy scene and everything. There's just this. People think of like New York is tough, and you think, yeah. yeah boston uh you can almost hear like people have like gravel when they talk and like in their it's it's in their persona it's in their language it's everything is very abrasive and i remember we used to have in the early days of late night i would have all these boston comics come on and some of them you know you'd have a comic-con who had only been in the clubs in boston yeah yeah and i'd be there and i'd say all right everybody and now we got a great you know uh here he comes and I'd throw to a, he's a brand new comic in Boston.

52:28He's been a big deal in the Boston comedy scene. Here he is. And a guy would come out and he'd have his hat pulled down over his eyes. And he'd be like, and it was pure vitriol and anger. And I remembered my audience would be like, Jesus Christ, make that monster go away. I know, it's so crazy. It's so crazy. Because they had lived in a, they had grown up in a sea of lava and this was their first time out. That's one of the most amazing, I mean, there's a lot of great comedians over the years from my generation through Bill Burr's generation and even now. But I went to college at Emerson College with Stephen Wright.

53:06So in college, Stephen was the shyest human being on the planet, right? But really funny, quietly, really unbelievably funny. And so when he started doing stand-up, that was one of the reasons I got into it is because somebody told me, hey Steve Wright's doing stand-up yeah after we graduated at a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge where there's a talent I was like a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge where there's talent Stephen Wright and I went and he was he was so different from yeah Lenny Clark was hosting that show that's how I went I was gonna bring up Lenny because I saw him at the Cam Neely yeah yeah Lenny Clark just this absolute Mount Rushmore icon of Boston comics and I loved hanging out with him because it was like i'm so glad he's he's here he was really funny uh he's like the fred flintstone of lost in comics he literally looks like fred flintstone come to life and he talks he's really loud he's a great actor too but he's this is the way he talks yeah um he loves you but uh he's he was hosting that show and it was a talent show and steve was the only person like that you know everybody bobcat gulfway came out of my general everybody was allowed bill burr um you know everybody was sarcastic and loud and quick you know the crowds were tough you know yeah steven to this day he's like a it's like he's a diamond yeah no no he's i mean i always think if steven's stand-up was always these jokes that are polished stones they're really precise like some of the most famous ones like small world but i wouldn't want to paint it yeah yeah that's incredible that joke is just like yeah what are you talking about so you're coming up from that in that scene and i know that you were interested when you're at emerson you're interested in comedy yes right and you started uh like a comedy group that's i think still going today yeah so the comedy workshop yeah which was i still it was so you knew this is something i'd like to do at a very early age yeah so when i was growing up my my dad was a mechanic by trade but he was a great musician and he played in irish bands and he played accordion like after a wedding or uh you know any kind of big family event people would come back to our apartment and eventually the house we lived in um and my dad would play accordion and there was always music in the house but my dad was my and my mom so fucking funny so like so funny and so sarcastically at the moment you walked in the door from school what the hell are you so happy like they would start in on you yeah right so we were all funny in response to that naturally as you know um and then when i was a kid a teenager uh i saw fucking monty python yeah and and richard Pryor, like almost like the, the rebellious new Richard Pryor, like 1972, 73.

56:08So I was like, and then George Carlin. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Monty Python just fucking made our heads explode. Yeah. I mean, that was crazy. That was the new, I always, I've told Eric Idle this a million times. That was the, for me anyway, that was the atomic bomb blast. That was the Oppenheimer moment of, oh, sketches don't have to end. Like, well, and so it was, you know, I guess we really are the fathead family. And then the curtain comes down. They, they just blew everything up. It was crazy. They were like the Beatles of comedy. I never, to this day, nothing has ever done that atomic thing.

56:42Although I did prior and Carlin, especially Carlin, cause he was talking like he was in the neighborhood. He was talking about Catholic school and nuns and seven dirty words and all that stuff. So then I was like, and then Saturday night live happened. Yeah. And that first cast. And I was like, Belushi, especially, I was like, what the fuck is this yeah you know it's still true like i at that same time in music i was a more of a stones fan i mean i don't really remember seeing the beatles on tv and stuff but i like the beatles but david bowie the first time i saw bowie i was like my brother and i were like what is this yeah uh which was that yeah music was like he's androgynous i'm androgynous I remember that really clearly.

57:26Yeah. You know? You felt seen. I felt seen for the first time. David Bowie was singing to you. And he was also saying, hey, Conan, you wanna try this outfit on? Yes, I do. And yet he still seems tougher than me. Yeah. Oh, he beat the shit out of me along with the Sikorsky twins, whatever their name is. The Sikorsky twins. No, but I, it's so, So it's interesting to me that you see that happening. You start this group and then you start getting up on stage. Well, to be fair, though, the group was started by me and a bunch of other friends of mine at the time. Yeah. Because we couldn't, the juniors and seniors would get the acting roles, rightfully so, before they graduated.

58:09You had to wait in line. There was a seniority system. Everybody had to play a major lead role in a play or a musical before you left the school to get your degree. Because it was acting and writing. right? So we got there, we're like, we're never going to get on stage. Then we found out you could, you can get money from the student government to form a theater group. We were all comedy nerds. We loved SNL, which is the beginning of SNL at that time, and Python, Pryor, Carlin. We all loved those shows, like the Mary Tyler Moore, all those funny women on the Mary Tyler Moore show. So a bunch of us formed the group and it was packed with talent.

58:48Lauren Dombrowski, who was my girlfriend at the time, ended up being one of the producers of MADtv. Mario Cantone was in the original group, who was as funny at that time when we were 18 years old as he is now. There were so many talented people in that era. And then there was a couple of guys later in the Comedy Workshop who ended up writing on The Simpsons. John Frank. Yep. I know John Frank. He's hilarious. And at my generation, after I left the Comedy Workshop, then it was David Cross. and I mean, Laura Keitlinger. I mean, it was an insane amount of talent at that school. And it still is. I have to say, I'm often back there in Boston.

59:28A lot of my, you know, siblings live around the area. And so I find myself in Boston a lot. And I'm always talking to people who are really sharp, really funny. And then it turns out they're Emerson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emerson, there's something in the water at Emerson. So many great people have come from there. Well, it's just the, it's the type of kids, it's the theater kids from high school, the funny kids from high school, the best dancers, the filmmaker, those are the kind of kids who go to a school like Emerson. So that's, it's more, you're finding people more like yourself. You know, like in high school, I was really funny.

1:00:01You know, I, I, I didn't, I wasn't going to make it as a hockey player, but I was really funny in the back of the class. Right. And, uh, and then I was trying to make my friends laugh, but I didn't think that that was going to turn into something, but here we are. you're covering up pools I'm your guest you own a building you own a fucking building I own a building I had nuns who told me I had one Spanish nun and she was right in her way I flunked Spanish twice in high school she was like I'm just gonna give you a passing grade to get you out of the building Leary and she was like what are you gonna do with yourself what's gonna happen to you you're not gonna go anywhere hey sister Judith Kappenman And that was her name.

1:00:44Nice. Sister Judith Gapman. No free rides. Yeah! No free rides. Don't mention her. Somewhere right now Gene Simmons is going like, why did you mention her? Why should she get a free ride? She's a Catholic nun who's probably dead. Why should she get a free ride? Listen, she has to be dead. She has to be dead. She was like 90 then. You say it like someone who hired three hit men. No, I know. She has to be dead. I've hired the best. But Conan. Seven times. You know that that really is the same nuns and the same priest for 12 years. There are nuns where I'm like, is she dead? She's gotta be dead, right?

1:01:20She's gotta be dead. That's not a good sentence. She has to be dead. She has to be. How could she still be alive? No one survives a cop bomb like that. We put her in a barrel with some cement blocks and we dropped her in the Mystic River. How is she alive? We drove her to Charlestown, threw her off the bridge. You know what it reminds me of? In the first, in the Godfather, the first one, the first Godfather, when Salazzo finds out that the Don is still alive. They shot him and he goes, he's still alive. He's still alive. It's bad news for me and worse for you if you can't make this deal, Tom. But I always, I always, that always is like a, it's a thing in my brain, still alive.

1:02:02And that's what you're, they're gonna come and tell you, no, no, she's around, she's 150, still alive. Well, I tell you, there was one great nun there and that was the theater nun at St. Peter's. I love a theater nun. Yeah. She put me in plays. Yeah. And I loved it because the hottest girls were in the plays. And eventually, like, my brother and all the jocks were like, yeah, we want to be in the plays too now and hold the girls and everything. But she... Hold the girls? Yeah. Hey, are there any good holding plays? How much holding is there in Othello? That's how they rank the plays. No, because she would tell you, like, Grab her by the bosom and by the rump and lift her up for the dance.

1:02:44Right. I want that part. Yeah. I told my brother and those guys, they were like, what do you mean? You get to grab? I'm like, yeah. Anyways, Bill Murray told me the same story. I love a whole acting philosophy around as much grabbing as possible. So Bill Murray said, I heard him tell the same story one time. And he was at a Catholic school and a nun made him be in the musical. Right. And he went in and it was the hottest girls. And he was like, what is this? Anyways, that nun, Sister Rosemary Sullivan at St. Peter's, that wasn't a great student. She said, listen, I took a night class at Emerson.

1:03:13I have connections there. You just audition. You do a written essay and then you do like a live audition. Right. And you can get a scholarship. And that's how I got the scholarship at Emerson. She got me the audition. So that's how I got into Emerson. It changed my life. And I stayed friends with her till she died. She followed my career. She was a great nun. But there's a lot of nuns that I literally still think like, Like, she can't, is she alive? Is she out there? Because they were so fucking mean. They were like, they were like, just like a cult of angry fucking women who just hated fucking kids.

1:03:46Okay, that's all the time we have. And they could hit you. They could hit you. This microphone isn't working. I can't even. He's afraid of the Catholic church. He's still afraid. He's still afraid. I'm terrified. None to the cynical. When they wear the habit. Oh my God. I mean, the thing is, you have to remember there's the habit, which is black. It's scary. They're like, it's like, you know, it's a Marvel Universe villain. You're staring at black. No, no, no. They were literally villains. Like this girl, you weren't allowed to have pierced tears. And this girl showed up with pierced tears right at the beginning of, after the summer.

1:04:17And we were, you know, you're changing classes. You're all in the hallway. And we heard this scream and this nun had torn this girl's earrings out of her ear. So she's bleeding. Oh my God. And threw the things down and gave her detention. We're like, this is crazy. And they used to grab the girls and hit them on the back of the legs and grab them and measure their skirts. But they could hit you. Like when you went home and said, Ma, I got hit by sister Judith Catman. What'd you do? What'd you do? What did you do? I'm sure you had it coming, which most of the time I did have it coming. But I'm just saying, they didn't fucking hit you.

1:04:49Sometimes they hit you just because they could. But to be fair, your skirt was the proper life. I gotta make sure I mention this show Going Dutch, which you've been working on. In my defense, I was wearing the skirt because David Bowie was so fucking good. He was huge. And I had a crush on this girl, Conan. Yes. Going Dutch. You know, I just, because one of the writers who's helping me out, Skyler is a fantastic writer and he's been working for you. And he worked on the show and I said, how is it? And he said, oh, it's in Ireland. And I said, you're shooting it in Ireland, which is not where the show takes place.

1:05:28No. But it is, it's fascinating to me that, yeah, that's where so much production is done now. Yeah. Well, we're shooting there because the show is set. It's based on a real army base that was in the Netherlands that got shut down. It's a funny idea. Yeah. Because of black market, you know, drugs are legal. Sex is legal. Prostitution is legal. You've been sent to the least necessary base. Now that base in real life is closed down. Right. So we're telling the story. Our military advisor was at that base. but Ireland matches the Netherlands in terms of landscape. Right. Right. And, um, we have villages where we can shoot.

1:06:04So, uh, we were, we shot it in Ireland so we didn't have to deal with the military or anybody in Amsterdam in terms of what we were going to do. Um, but my son developed that project and he's the executive producer. So it's the first time I'm like, my son is my boss, which is bizarre. What is that like your son telling you, let's try it again. It's interesting because we do a lot of improv, right? It's great writing, and the showrunner is on set, Joel Church Cooper. He's the guy who did Brockmire with Hank Azaria. Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant writer. And some of the writers are on set, and their pages are great.

1:06:38So we do the pages, but then we always improvise from that. And sometimes he comes in in the morning and goes, forget the pages. I changed my mind. Or we come in and go, hey, what if we did this? So there's a lot of improvisation. So my son has a great sense of humor, and I trust him. he developed the material with Joel. He'll just come in like anybody else and go, Dad, that sucked. You guys were great. Dennis, you were terrible. Let's do something else. You try something else. You guys do what you were doing. Or he'll come in and go, Hey, Dennis, that was funny. You guys, that was great. So it's like, I'm just another guy on the set.

1:07:11I happen to, you know, and he's, you see my son, he's huge. He was backstage. Yeah. He produces the concert. Yeah, he was backstage at the Camille thing. It's funny because I have to, I've been looking up to him since he was like 14. but he's 6 '7 my son so it's like when he goes like hey that wasn't very funny Dennis I'm like okay Jack but he's got a great sense of humor my son is really funny you know when I met him he put his plate on top of your head yeah he did it's so funny because he's having a beautiful Caesar salad because my son's name is Jack and he's 6 '7 and Cam Neely's son is also named Jack and he's like 6 '6 so the two of us are like you know, looking up at them.

1:07:54I think we have a psychological advantage, but neither one of us wants to find out if we would actually win in a fight. Don't get into that. Not getting into that. Listen, I wish we could do this all day because this is not, you know, I always say about the podcast, this is not work. I don't know what this is, but it is not work. And then there are days like today where it's just, I mean, you and I can finish each other's sentences. So I dedicate this episode to the Learys in Worcester, the Reardons in Worcester O 'Brien scattered all around Massachusetts like a disease we found out when we were at Commerce Come Home because one of my sisters was there somebody chased it down to a Reardon or a Daily there was a Daily on your I don't know, I never quite figured out what our connection is we're all related somehow your mother was a Reardon we all come from that same green rock we all look the same You guys look alike.

1:08:52I know. Look at my legs start here. But I think it was that there's dailies on Reardon's on your mother's side, right? Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's dailies in the Reardon side and those dailies came out of Cork, which is where the Learys were. Yeah. And went into Kerry and one of them ended up in Killarney. So that's where I think it all connects up. So that daily was involved. But some people think, oh, so you and Dennis used to see each other at Christmas and stuff growing up. It's like, no. We didn't find out. We're cousins the way Sona and I are cousins. Yeah. I'm complete. I know. I'm so armo.

1:09:30You have no idea. You are not at all. Not a fiber. Well, listen. Let me just tell you something about pure breads like us. Yeah. Tell me. Okay, we can't go out in the sun. Right. And don't put too much spice in the spaghetti. Don't put any. Don't put any. Don't put any. You know what? Let us boil it. Yeah. We'll take care of it. I'll skip on baby. And we don't have drinking problems. No, we don't. We do not. You just drink lots of beer. We drink, well listen, beer is not alcohol. Not alcohol, there's no alcohol in beer. There's no alcohol in beer. Or Guinness. Jesus. What's wrong with these people?

1:10:07All right, well you gotta come back because this was really fun. Yeah. And this is like, hey, watch the language. I'm trying to reach children. I didn't say motherfucker one fucking time. You know what? God bless you. And I didn't say cocksucker. Somewhere some dead nuns are very proud of you. Murdered nuns. Yeah. Once they started their car at the wrong time. They're climbing out of the coffins. There's no way she's alive. Not after what I've done. She can't be alive. All right, Dennis, go with God. We'll see you later. Oh, it was awesome. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

1:10:44Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:10:59Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:11:34And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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