Don’t Look A Gift Horse Meat In The Mouth

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Nurjumal. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi, guys. Hi. Hello, Nurjumal. Wow. I just cannot believe. Hi, Sona. Hi. Hi, Conan. Nice to see you. Hi to me first. Nice to see you, too. Okay. Always save the best for last, they say. And then, hi, Matt's here as well. Hi, Matt. I saw Matt early, so I said hi already. Yes. I know. There's no reason for us to assume he wasn't as important. I was. Nerjimal, welcome to our little podcast. It's nice to meet you. Am I saying your name correctly?

0:54Nerjimal? Yes, it's Nerjimal. Yeah. Nerjimal. And where are you coming to us from? I'm calling from Almaty, Kazakhstan. Wow. Kazakhstan. That's his first. Yeah. I think you're our first person that we're talking to from Kazakhstan. and you're in, you said you're in Almaty. Is that right? Yes, it's Almaty. It's in the south part of Kazakhstan. That's what I assumed. It's the best city. It's a really good city. Do you like it there? Have you lived there your whole life? Yeah, I was born here. I was raised here. And by the way, it's not the first time we are talking with you, Conan. Yeah, I think our story goes back like seven years before.

1:37Wait, was I married to you? No, no. I married some woman in Kazakhstan, I remember. And it was very short-lived. And yeah, most of it's been scrubbed from the internet. Wait, so how do we interact? You said seven, eight years ago? What was this interaction? So seven years ago, I was on my undergraduate studies and I was super depressed. And I found one of your videos, like when I got this in YouTube poll. And I got and I was so in love with the comedy. And and I saw this video where you said that if you send me snacks from the country, I will come to this country and, you know, say thank you in person.

2:22So I believe that I was like, OK, I will collect all of the snacks that I know from Calix and I send it to you. And then no, nothing. And I was like, OK, we didn't. Did we wait a minute? Hold on a second. This is important to me. You sent us a bunch of, I'm going to say, Kazakhstani snacks. Yeah, that's true. And you never heard back from us. I do not recall getting snacks from Kazakhstan. Sona, you have some Kazakhstani snack wrappers hanging out in your pockets right now. Listen, here's what happened. When you did that, a lot of people from a lot of different countries sent us snacks. Yes. And so a lot of us in the office would open them, save the letters, and then we would eat the snacks.

3:07And you didn't make me aware that I had been, I mean, the gift was to me. Can I say though, we did send all the letters to Mike Sweeney, your head writer. So I passed along my responsibility and now I'm - And now you're passing along the buck. Now I'm passing the buck along to Mike Sweeney, who's not here to speak for himself. So yeah, it's his fault. Nur Jamal, let me make it clear to you. I was unaware, but I would like to know, what were the snacks? What are some snacks from Kazakhstan on, what did I miss out on? There were some chips with a taste of horse meat. I know it sounds... Oh, Christ.

3:41I know. I'm sorry, but... You love horse meat. Well, hold on. So, wait a minute. I can't believe horse meat-flavored chips didn't make their way to me. Sona, I remember that week you smelled like horse. And you had all this horse chip crumbs around your mouth. You know what? I do remember this box because they were very unique snacks and we tried them just to see how they would taste. They just tasted like chips, if I remember right. I mean, right. They're not like. So the horse meat flavor didn't really come through. No, I've never had horse. So maybe it did. But I it just tasted like chips. I couldn't send horse meat because, you know, food regulations and stuff.

4:23So I. You know what? The government. I hate when the government won't let us send shredded horse through the mail. Stay out of my horse meat snack. Exactly. Don't tread on me, horse meat grabber. Okay. And I sent one of the fine chocolates of Kazakhstan. By the way, I called the office, even though I was a broke student. I was calling the office and had office manager on call. And I was asking if you had the chance of tasting it. And I don't remember what he said, but I was making sure that you would taste it. So, you know, it makes me suspicious. Other than that. You said office manager. This is not.

5:09We are. This is not like an Apple store. This is not a professional. We're not a Staples. This is a very goofy place. So anyone who picked up the phone and said office manager was probably just some random idiot. Yeah. It may not have been someone who worked here. I am. Let's cut to the chase. I am sorry, Narjamal, that I did not receive and acknowledge your gift. That makes me feel sad. Not so sad that it means a sadness that will be short lived. But I'm sorry that I didn't get your horse meat ships. Because there is a continuation to that story. Oh, God. So I don't know. No, keep going. Keep going.

5:54We need to hear it. I just feel badly for what's coming. So I'm like, okay, he didn't respond to that. And then I had a graduation ceremony and I thought, okay, I need to invite him. But I didn't have money because, you know, I was a student. And there was only one thing that was precious to me. It was a printer that was a gift from my mom. And I sold it. And it was exactly the price of a letter. to send you because it was a FedEx and it was expensive. Wait, wait, wait. You sold a printer that prints out, you know, emails, right? A real printer. A printer that copies and also scans and also prints.

6:41Wait a minute. You sold that and that's how much it costs to send a letter from Kazakhstan to Los Angeles? It was like a, how to say, it's like in three, four days. It was like a very fast delivery. So it wasn't that much. Did you print your letter with this printer or was it handwritten? Yeah, of course. Oh my God, that's even more tragic. Before I sold it, I was like, this is your last letter. It's like the gift of the magi. Yeah, it is. You know, I sold my hair to buy you the watch fob. The watch fob. And that's so funny. I sold my watch fob to buy you this comb. Yeah. That's the trick ending.

7:21Sorry, it's an old Henry story that no one cares about anymore. But thanks for the help with the watch file, because you actually have a watch file on you right now. Listen. So I helped you and you're going to insult me? That's not an insult. Hey, that's not an insult. Well, it's a lie. It's a lie, but it's not an insult. I do have some pearl inlay combs on me. Oh, my God. Narjimal, I can't believe this story. you sold a printer, an expensive printer, so that you could get the money to FedEx, sounds like almost overnight, a letter to me. Please tell me I responded to the letter, please. You responded to the video on your Instagram account, and you made it just the day before my graduation, and it was crazy.

8:11I was like, to be honest with you, I was crying of happiness. This makes me happy. Narjimal, I'm not kidding. I hate that you went through all this and I'm so happy that you got, that I responded. We have a lot of, as you can imagine, it's a little chaotic here and there's a lot of people in Kazakhstan sending me chips and selling printers to send me their wigs so that I can get them a watch fob. How long ago, sorry, just so I know who your assistant was, how long ago was that letter that you sent? I sent in 2019. Oh! You were done by then? No, I was still your assistant. Hey! Hey! We have it on record that she accomplished something.

8:59Okay. Yay! Cut to footage of cheering crowds from the 1920s. No, good job. Listen, Sona, all joking aside, Sona's a great assistant, and she did take care of the important stuff. You really did. I did. No, I did. And so the fact that, I mean, we joke around a lot and some of it's based in truth and a lot of it's based in truth, but you, it's mostly based in truth. It's all true. But you.

9:38Nurt Jamal, I'm so glad that I responded to you. I feel badly that you sold that printer. I do. I think we should get her an imprint. There is a continuation. Oh, this story has so many layers. You know what's faster, Narjimal? You can say, but there's more. You don't have to say, but there is a continuation, because it's just a little shorter, but there's more. Okay. Thank you so much. That's okay. I'm just trying to help. I'm not a native speaker, so yeah. No, no. You speak very well. This is a little trick. This is a little life hack. Instead of, but there is a continuation, but there's more.

10:12Okay. But there's more? Yes. a year ago, you had this radio show where you told that people could call you. So I thought like, okay, you know, he didn't still show up. I mean, I haven't seen you in Kazakhstan, so I should call. But it was 2 a.m. and I was trying to call and it was an international call. So obviously it was very hard for me. So my friend who lives in Michigan, she was at the office working. So she was like, let me help you. And she postponed all of her meetings. And she was calling you. We collectively, we called like 500 times, I think. So we got you on the line. And she was on the phone.

11:00I was talking like this through laptop. And she was putting her phone like this. And we could speak for like 10 minutes. Were you speaking to me or were you speaking to someone at the show? No, I was speaking to you, Conan. And you said that I have a beautiful name. And now that I know you forgot. And I remember this. I was there for this. But wait, I'm just trying to understand the context of it. That's all. So many people, Narjimal, you're very near and dear to my heart. But so many people call in. You hosted, it was like a one hour just call in style show. Got it. At SiriusXM offices. And it was during that time that it's.

11:40and I remember specifically see I don't even yeah it was just Conan I am constantly yeah yeah Narjumal you have to understand I'm constantly on the go interacting he's doing things without us well of course I do things without you oh okay I gotta make some scratch I'm just hurtful yeah that's money I get to keep I don't have to you know take off 2 % for you guys it does feel like we should have got Mark Twain prizes yeah I agree they are they're coming okay yeah they're called the Shania Twains I'll take it man I feel like It's better than that Mark Twain guy. Please, I'm making it about Narjimal and you're making your dumb Shania Twain jokes, which have been made before, by the way.

12:19I just borrowed it. Narjimal, I feel badly about the printer and it sounds like I did send you a video and I did talk to you on the phone. So I think I've been a pretty good guy, but I feel very badly about this printer and the goods you sent me that were not acknowledged. So I think I need to replace the printer. Do you think that's fair? That would be fair because my mom didn't know that I sold the printer because I couldn't tell her. I was ashamed that, you know, when I showed your show, she was like, what is this? And I'm like, well, this is the guy that I sold the printer for. And she was so disappointed.

13:07And you know what? Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your mother said, you showed your mother the show and you said, this is the reason I sold the printer. And your mother was, her reaction was disappointed. Yeah. Did she think I was funny? I mean, I'm a little disappointed. Did she think I was funny? She was like, no. But who cares? I think that you're funny. No, now you don't understand my psyche. Narjumal, you don't understand my psyche. I always go towards the person who's not responding, and now I feel like I don't need to visit you. I'm obsessed with winning your mother over. She told me this Conan guy needs to buy me a printer then, so I'm like...

13:53Oh, that's how you win her over. There you go. No, I feel like I have to buy her something more than that now. I mean, I really have to win her over. Buy her a person who's in the trade of a printer. From the 1880s. 1980s. Yeah. She was like, she would have been okay about the printer if she liked you. Right. If it had been a better comedian. Yeah. Then she would have been on board. Does she, does she be like, it's worse. Is she a big comedy fan? She likes my jokes. Cause by the way, I started doing a standup comedy after, well, after I started watching your show, I got inspired and I started doing comedy.

14:33Good for you. Yeah. So thank you. But in Kazakhstan, it's like sometimes there are two people in the audience for English crowd. So I'm not doing that well. Can I ask you a question? Why can't you do it in the native tongue? Why can't you do stand up comedy for the people of Kazakhstan in their own language? That's a good question. Why are you doing it in English for two people who? it's i it's i i start you know what because um i usually think in english and i everything that i consume is in english for example through your show i was introduced to great comedians like norm mcdonald and i love your segment with kevin neiland and yeah so many great comedians through your show and I was like I got inspired and I started doing it in different countries as well so I decided to come back to Kazakhstan to I mean you do stand-up comedy you do it in English and you're doing it in Kazakhstan you say the problem is that when you're at the club how many comedy clubs are there in Kazakhstan there are several but what are their names what are the names of the Kazakhstani.

15:48Okay. There is one in my city. It's called Central Stand-Up Club. But we have a club for English. It sounds very like Soviet. The Central Stand-Up Club. You must have your papers in order. You have been issued a warning by the Central Committee of the Stand-Ups. Yuck yucks of the state. Yeah.

16:13Chuckles for the people and for the revolution. The people's belly laughs. Laughter for grain and for larger families. Sorry, we went on a little run there, and it was a lot of fun for everybody, and I think it showed real knowledge of different cultures. There's them all. I do feel like I owe you. You've been a very loyal fan. And I'm glad that I've inspired you to do comedy and to try and make other people laugh. I do think it's the hope for the future is laughter. Well, actually, also vaccines and enough food for everyone in maybe a cooler climate. Those are ahead of laughter. Laughter is like last.

16:55Laughter.

16:59We need to get rid of nuclear. I mean, nuclear disarmament, global warming, enough food, some kind of renewable, cool energy source. We need an end to dictatorships and oligarchs and then laughter. Those are the things in that list. Okay. Thank you for the lecture. I'm kidding. You're good. You're good. But let me say more in continuation. You. It's more, right? It's more to this. This is how you tell it. There's more. You don't say continuation. But you say, but wait, there's more. But wait, there's more. And you give kind of a look like, but wait, there's more. There's more. That's good. You got it.

17:51You got it. I think you show a lot of promise, Nurzma. You're very funny. You're very persistent. You're very generous. You have a big heart. You're creative. You're all the things that I love. about a fan, about anybody, but especially a fan of mine. I think your mother is way out of control with her comedy tastes. And I'm just going to be, I'm going to wake up at three in the morning and wonder why can't I win over Narjimal's mother. I know. But I'm very happy that we are talking and I hope we get to meet in person. And I will find a way to right what's been wrong. Okay? Wow. Wow, that's a lot of promise for the person who told that you will travel to the country where you send the snacks.

18:37So I'm like, wow.

18:41You did say it. No, no, no. To be fair, I'm really honored to see you guys. I'm trying to. Yeah, to be fair. To be fair, you lied to me, Conan. You broke my heart. You broke my heart. You didn't acknowledge the snacks I sent. You robbed my mother of a printer that I stole from her just so I could communicate with you. And you don't remember the time we talked on the phone. Other than that, you seem like a swell guy. You left the drapes open in the tall house. This is just, I've been annihilated, Narjmal. I will make this right, or my name isn't. Steve. No, I'm going to make this right. Okay. Okay.

19:31I like you. You're a nice person. No, no. You guys, I am so honored and so happy to be here and to see you. I was like a big fan. I'm still, I listen to the podcast and I love all of you. Oh, that's nice to think that Sona and I never let you down. I'm not like, I met. Yeah, you can rely on those two. If I... Yeah. Because Sona never forgets a thing. 2019. Conan, it's a... It's an honor. Narjumal, it's an honor to talk to you. And I do look forward to meeting you in person. Something tells me our story continues. Something tells me there'll be more. More in continuation. There'll be more. There'll be more in continuation.

20:12There'll be more. To put it in your own words. All right, you take care, Narjumal. You too, guys. Take care. Thank you so much for an invitation. You too. That's like mind-blowing. Thank you for all of the people who worked there, Aaron and Eduardo. Thank you so much, guys. You're so sweet. She's so nice. Eduardo got a shout out. Thank you. Yeah, cut out the part where Eduardo's like, please. We can convert that into landfill. Wow. Bye-bye, Narjamal. Take care. Bye, Conan. Bye. Bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow.

20:57Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.