Elizabeth Banks Returns

25:45Being a parent of teenagers, which is me now, is, whew, it's so hands-off on so many levels. And then also, I'm really watching how and being reminded how hard it is to be a human. like it's just so hard to be a human and function properly and take care of yourself and other people in any decent way yep and we have so little leadership to point to at this moment in time and so you're sort of like right teaching them how to be a decent like it's just it's impossible yeah it's impossible watching them well i i i think that the i was so proud once of the fact that I've calmed down. I have more perspective.

26:30I'm slower to freak out. And I was really giving myself a pat on the back and I was talking to my mother-in-law about it. And she's, you know, she was a very smart woman and, and she had, you know, trained as a therapist and she, so I was explaining to her, yeah, I've really come a long way. And I think I see it. And she said, well yeah well your testosterone levels have fallen a lot exactly and and i just just explained to her i i never had a lot of testosterone yeah they've actually gone up i'm taking a pill now but no it's but but she was right i realized oh yeah there's yeah okay so much for my zen wisdom that middle age really you know remember we're we're like two generations away from people who only live to 50, right?

27:18So like once you're past that, you're in some evolutionary place that humans have never really been in. Yeah. And it is so true. I was, you know, I was talking, I had a girls week in Utah recently. I was not invited. My favorite thing. Did you think you would be? Yeah, I like to be invited to a girls week. I blend right in. He does. We'll get a mani-pedi. Yeah, we did. We did have massages. but just talking about how little we give a shit about so many things that used to really get in our craw and now we're just like I think it's just we don't you literally lose the hormones that make you care enough to like mate and do child rearing and now I don't have any of those right I'm like I don't really I mean do whatever you want I'll do whatever I want Does that seem like a good plan for the next 50 god darn years?

28:15Because, like, really? We're going to keep this going? Because my body is saying, nope. It's over. Well, this is what you have to look forward to, kids. If you're in your 20s listening to this, that's what's coming for you. You know what I love, a detail about you, which makes total sense now, is that growing up and you get into acting and the person, your role model, you know, I was thinking, who would Elizabeth Banks' role model be as an actor? Who would she want to grow up to be? And it makes total sense, but yours was Harrison Ford. I love Harrison. I wanted to be all of, well, first of all, when people ask me, you know, I was a real go-getter.

29:03I was a straight A student. You know, I'm like a hard worker like you. And so really, it is a work ethic thing. I just believe you get up every day and you got to do something with your time and might as well, like, you know, get an A in math and whatever. I don't know. And so I've just always like had this work ethic, like this like engine inside me. And someone was asking me about like how that fed into everything else I ever did. And I was like, I was competitive with boys. Always. Like I oh. And it's I think it's because the world was not made for girls. and when I looked around, I was told you can be anything you want to be.

29:40And everywhere that I looked, the boys were getting to do that. So I was like, just really competitive with boys my whole life. And so when people ask me, like, who did you want to be as an actor? I'm like, I wanted to be Indiana Jones and I wanted to be Han Solo. And I wanted to go on adventures and I wanted to have these incredible, like, that's what I wanted. And the damsel in distress was not interesting to me. And like, you know, I think it really just comes down to I'm I came into this like raring to go and wanting I want my piece. Yeah. And if you're a woman, you're the men get all the pieces.

30:18So it's like, I don't know, it's always it did not occur to me to not have my role model be Harrison Ford. Yeah. I mean, and also when I look at your career, yes, you have had this great on-camera career, but you really quickly was like, I'm going to be producing. I'm going to be writing. I want to be directing. I imagine that was not an easy thing for you to break into. No, it wasn't. I mean, it took a lot of planning and hard work. Definitely wasn't just luck. It was something that I was ambitious about and wanted to do. And of course, you have to be in the right place at the right time, and all those things have to line up, and you have to find the things.

30:57You know, I think my last movie was the movie that speaks to this point the most, though, right? Like, I feel like I was starting to get, like, well, she makes movies with, like, a lot of women in them. And I was like, well, then I'm going to make Cocaine Bear. Yeah, yeah. So good. And I maintain, maybe there's like one of the three best movie titles of all time. Oh my God. Incredible. When I heard that, first of all, I'd be up for anything that you were involved in. But when I heard that it was Cocaine Bear, I became a cocaine adult bear. Don't even watch it. You don't need a trailer. You just want to see it.

31:29I didn't need a trailer. No. We said that. We were like, it's like snakes on a plane. You know exactly what it's going to be, guys. There's going to be a bear. It's on cocaine. I only say that to say I don't like, I don't, I like surprising people. I don't like being put in a box. I feel like I still have a lot to offer. Nothing's gone the way I thought it was going to. Yeah. Well, nothing ever does. Nothing ever does. It's a kooky football play. This was the idea. And you're going to break that way. And the hole's going to be over here. And then I'm going to throw that way. And then hut, hut, hike.

32:01And then bang. Giant blitz. Everything goes to shit. And then the next thing you know, you're running through the stands with the football and it's illegal, but you're still going. And that's been my experience in show business and in life in general. I agree. And, you know, but I love that idea that you were not having it and you were. This is what I'm going to do. And what's interesting is and there's no way to say this without embarrassing you, but you are a very beautiful. you're a very beautiful woman and I imagine that people can dismiss you know what I mean it would be easy for people to say here's this stunning stunning blonde bombshell I'm just your type I appreciate it so much but like if you love um if you love Padma Lakshmi like I'm not for you do you know what I mean I love you for saying this I'm just saying I'm also like come on Conan I just You look very much like your life.

33:09Okay. I did think I was marrying you, to be honest. I didn't have contacts at the time. No, yes, my wife is very beautiful. You are both very beautiful, but I'm just saying it's, I remember, I mean, I didn't know you the first time I started seeing you in things when I saw you show up on 30 Rock. you are quite stunning. And I don't know if that makes it easier for people to say, what do you mean you're going to produce? Or what do you mean you're going to direct? Yeah. Well, also I was, so yeah, I was like, look, I'm that blonde actress, small boobs, and I have a husband that produces with me.

33:52So it's like, okay, the actress and her husband are going to make a movie. And it's like, I get, yeah, we're going to try our hardest. I don't know. I don't want to say it's easy to dismiss somebody who's good looking because I've had a lot of success being good looking. So I'll take it over anything else every day. I had a lot of champions. You have to do the work. And so at the end of the day, I just put in the work. And I didn't really think about what I look like or any of that stuff. It was just, I absolutely have faced a lot of obstacles for it. I was literally told by a big producer once, I just don't think men are going to follow you as a director.

34:37And I was told like, women just, you just don't get action movies. Like you're never going to be able to do an action movie. I mean, I literally had like people look me in the eye and say those things to me. So I don't want to dismiss the obstacles, but I really, what we were just saying about having a lot of grace for those moments in time. Just, you know, they build you up and you move through it and you just do the work and put your head down and you lead by example. That's all I've ever tried to do. Well, I would say to anybody that has played any kind of party game with Elizabeth, been in any social situation with her, been in any, seen her out in the world, yeah, I would put you in charge of the forces invading a country.

35:24I want to know more about the party games. Oh, don't fuck with her. That's true. I actually just got kicked out of playing Settlers of Catan with some friends, you guys. I don't know if you know this nerd game that everyone plays. I don't know Settlers of Catan. I was, I got, it's a game where you, um, it's kind of, it's an older game now. It's been around for a hot minute, but essentially you have to negotiate with people for things like you're trying to build the longest road and you're trying to build a civilization. You're a settler of this island, Catan. And so you have to negotiate. And I basically, I became such a cutthroat negotiator.

35:59Like, no, you will give me that wheat. Because you, da, da, da. And like, where people were just like, it's getting too intense. Right. You can't, you're not allowed to play with these people anymore. We touched on this last time, so I won't go into it. But let's just say I was in a situation where I was playing this fun party game with kids and adults. and at one point someone said, you know, Elizabeth wants to speak too. And I went and your face had become a mask. Oh my God. And you, I don't even think you were there anymore and you were telling me what needed to happen and you were a hundred percent right.

36:35She was 100 % right. And I was like, well, I think she's like, you know, put yourself together, man. Here's what we're doing. And in that moment. We're trying to win. Yeah, we're trying to win. Put yourself together. But I just, she slapped me. But in that moment, I saw like, hey, Eisenhower did a great job with D-Day. But had he not been available and we had a time machine, I'd get Elizabeth Banks. And I think we would have been in Berlin a year earlier. Oh, yeah. I would have handled that. Yeah. Really, really impressive. This entire theme of our conversation so far is my intense competitiveness.

37:13I mean, I but also I don't have any. issue with that. I like people that care. I like people that do the work, have a really strong work ethic. And I think the rule is you need to treat other people well. Yeah. And sometimes it can be tempting if you're if you're really incredibly determined and psyched to not treat other people well and you have to watch yourself all the time or you can be brusque with people. And David, of course, you've never seen that happen once. OK, you're dismissed, by the way. Okay. Bye-bye. But so, yeah, it's a constant challenge, but I think do the work. Do the work and care.

37:55Care about it. It is funny. I mean, you're bringing up a... I've definitely had those moments too, though, where as a leader, I'm like, oh, not everybody wants to work 100 hours this week. That's just me. I'm like, oh, right. Yeah. That's... It's... You do really have to take care of people that are, you know, I want to go a million miles a minute, although less so now. I say that like every day. But you know what? Here's the thing. Because I say that all the time. I know. And Liza's, and I was saying to Liza, why do people make me? And she went, she'll always step in and go, no one's making you do anything.

38:32You have this idea. You said we're going to build a giant catapult. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, whatever. Going around. So, yeah, exactly. So it's my own, it's my own feeling. You always will say like, hey, let's try to keep the schedule a little light next month and then say yes to everything. Every month of my life. And it's never, it never happens. I'm always like, oh, yeah, saying no. No is a complete sentence. Here we go. And then I'm like, well, if you can make it work with the schedule. And then someone's like, so you want to do it? And I'm like, well, I'd be interested in doing it. If it works with the schedule, I think that's a worthwhile thing to pursue and do.

39:12Okay, so we're doing it. Oh, we're doing it? Oh, shit. Okay. Well, I guess you scheduled it. And now I'm doing it. But then I switch into this, I'm indignant. Yeah. That someone made me do this. Yeah. And I'm like, who is it? There's no winning. Who is it, David? Why is this on the schedule that Conan builds stone wall? He's going to start recording every conversation. In the woods of Maine. And then just like, you wrote me a text that said I've agreed to build a stone wall in Maine. Exactly. So yeah, that's my own doing. I'm curious, because you talk about this dynamic, being a woman in this industry and also trying to manage being in a relationship.

39:54I feel like all of this would be addressed in this new show a little bit. Ah. Do you know what I mean? I love a segue. No, but don't, I mean, that's what I was thinking. It's like this, there's this obviously really cool looking, because if people check out the show, it's a very cool, when you shrink down, and you're having these scenes with Matthew, it's a very cool looking, like fun looking dynamic. But then I'm thinking like, this is talking about something that's probably close to your heart. I definitely, it's based on a short story. And when I read the story, it really is about how you minimize your partner's feelings and how women generally are very minimized.

40:38And it's how culturally that happens, but also in relationships, like, between—in the power dynamics in a couple. And I definitely felt like it was a fun metaphor, like a very on-the-nose metaphor. And then also we get to really play with it because this character is very complicated and not a great person. Neither one of them are particularly great people. And you're kind of, like, rooting for them to figure out that they're the best version of each other when they're whole and together. The show was really technically challenged. My husband, Max, said that he thought it was the least mentally prepared I was for a job ever.

41:16And I think he was right. I just didn't realize how technical being six inches tall was. I was on a green screen half the time. Matthew and I were separated. I live in a literal dollhouse, which was great. They built like a replica of my home that I live in. But he's in a real sized house, like doing everything. and then they would make these incredible life-size props. So a remote control that's six feet tall, bigger than me, that I like can't push, you know, I'm trying to push buttons and a travel-sized toothpaste that's, you know, comes up to my chest and a giant Chanel lipstick at one point because still got to look pretty when you're six inches tall.

41:58I guess patriarchy.

42:04You know, it was, It was really fun. My co-star becomes like a doll, like an action figure, like a guy who goes to space, you know, and things like that. So it was really the technical stuff was really fun and wild. At one point, I jump off of a toilet onto a plunger and they built a life size 30 foot tall plunger that I like wire onto and slide down. and like a toilet plunger. Aren't those the moments? That's amazing. I have moments. I walked down to set, I was like, how does this happen? I don't know people's brains are this incredible. And this is where you're saying, hey, where's this AI I've been hearing so much about?

42:48Exactly. But I have so many moments in my life because I went down this crazy, stupid path where I step outside my body and say, what are you doing? I'll be in an absurd situation, in an absurd outfit, doing an absurd thing at my age. I know. And you just do it because it's the work. Yeah. And then you're standing there and you're stepping outside yourself and you catch a glimpse of yourself in a reflection and you go, what happened? Totally. And so you're thinking, okay, I got into this to be Harrison Ford and I'm jumping off a toilet onto a plunger. It's on a wire on a giant green screen. And by the way, so vulnerable.

43:31I've never felt this vulnerable either. I would stand on this giant green box 30 feet in the air. So I would get like wired up onto it. I'm in all this gear. And the whole room is green except for the area where the crew is. And right before action, I would be like, okay, so where am I again? Right. So I'm in. I'm outside. It's snowing. There's a cat chasing after me. I'm going to jump off this building, which is just a curb on the street because I'm only six inches tall. So I'm pretending I'm on a curb on a street outside and it's snowing and there's a cat and action. And like, I have to imagine all that in my brain because I'm just seeing green and like Larry, the grip, just walking over to get, pour a coffee at the craft service because he's not doing anything.

44:24You know what I mean? And so I was like, what is going on? And they're all just sitting in front of me. And I finally said, guys, I actually need you to bring in some curtains or something. I can't be alone in this space trying to imagine all these things happening to me so I can take the audience on the journey of the six-inch tall woman and watch everybody chit-chatting over the donuts. Like, I need a curtain. I need a curtain. And so they literally just slid a curtain in and put, slid like a 20 buy-in and just put everybody behind it for me. It is too much to ask when you're in those situations and someone walks in.

45:11Yeah. And, you know, they're shaving or something in front of you. Yeah. I find that to be, I have been there. You know, it's funny because I was thinking about, you've done, you've had all this high profile success. but probably I'm going to guess one of the things you hear about the most is a project that at the time you thought, okay, that came and went and no one cared, which is Wet Hot American Summer. Like that has got to be, that's one of those projects that had all of its life later. Is that right? Yeah. It premiered at Sundance in 2001. I was one of my first films actually to pick my name to be in that movie because I'm Elizabeth Mitchell and there was already an elizabeth mitchell and sag shout out to her she was lovely she was on lost one of my favorite shows forever and um so i had to change my name to banks and we were at sundance we thought it was just the greatest thing ever and then no one cared they didn't get did no business and then it started showing i remember in new york i want to say like at webster hall or somewhere it started showing like late like how they used to do um rocky horror picture show yeah and so they were they were having these screens and it was getting like a little traction.

46:26And this is back when DVDs happened. So then people just had the DVD of it, I guess. And nothing, it completely changed my life. I went to Sundance. I met my, still my manager to this day, 25 years now it's been, and started going on real auditions, some of which in those very early days I auditioned for being Spider-Man and Catch Me If You Can. And that led to Seabiscuit, which actually put me on the map in Hollywood. And then, uh, years later got an audition for 40 year old virgin because all those guys, Seth and Evan and all those guys were addicted, you know, loved it. And I was in 40 year old virgin and suddenly, Oh, she's funny.

47:07And then I got 30 rocks. So like truly, and I'm still friends with David Wayne. I took him on a USO tour a while back. We literally went all over the world together, the director, writer, director of it. And I nothing. Yeah. I I still to this day, I'm like, that changed my whole, I can't believe I'm part of that insane ensemble. Yeah, it's, there are these movies that I think right after Fargo, I could be getting this wrong, but I think after Fargo, which, you know, wins, it's an Academy Award winning film, and it's a huge deal. The Coen brothers, I think, made Big Lebowski. And people were like, what's this?

47:44And this is weird, you know, and it's, at the time, even people making it, you know, on the set, were probably thinking, what is this? We're making giant bowling pins and what's happening here? What are we doing? And then, you know, that's probably there. That's the movie that people know every word to every single word. And it's become this, I don't know, this text that everybody, that generations memorize. I'm going to shout out. We were we were skiing. Conan knows where I ski. and we were skiing and we were getting lunch and this the waiter brought our lunch out and he was shaking and he had sauce all over his face and I didn't quite clock it at first that he was he was basically like I have barbecue sauce all over my face and he was doing like an homage to the barbecue sauce scene in what had from 25 years ago this like 22 year old and he was so excited that he was talking and I like shout out to this guy because he really committed to the bit.

48:49Yeah. It was very impressive. All my friends were like, what is happening? And the minute we got it, he just lit up with joy. Like, okay, it works. Like, she understands what's happening. And then you had him fired. It was such... Like a dear... Like, when people are like, what's the weirdest thing a fan's ever done? That's close to the top of the list. But, you know, that is... It's one of those gifts that just keeps giving where you do something, you made it, That's a very discreet time in your life when you're very young. And then, you know, someone who's wasn't born. Literally not born. Not born when that was made is now so hears that you're out there.

49:31Yeah. And needs to do this to connect with you. Isn't that so wild? And that's the nice thing, too, is in those moments, you want to be the person that they want you to be. I know. You know what I mean? Of course. You don't want to be like, hey, you know. That's not funny. Get that off of your face. Get that off. Get out of here. You know. No, I always look at it. I get to come and talk to you and get to do these things because people watch the things that I make. Yeah. Period. Full stop. Sure. If people didn't care about the stuff that we made, you and me wouldn't get to be here. So I'm constantly like, oh, thank you so much to anybody who cares at all to watch it.

50:09It amazes me constantly. um so what is okay you've you've made this show uh and what is the what's the next step for you what's going to the future are you really going to try and calm down a little bit or is that total bullshit i literally i literally started because i'm not i'm not going to calm down i was in a writer's room yesterday conan how much do you love a writer's room i love a writer who doesn't love a writer's room well i think there are people that don't probably but i i oh i love it it's the only place I stop them from doing work. None of us know if Conan's in the office and then we just hear a bang and a scream downstairs when he goes in the writer's room.

50:49I always kick the door open in a dramatic fashion and they go, whoa! And all of us up here are like, well, he's here. And then I start doing a very over-the-top bit. Are you carrying coffees in or why you gotta kick the door? No, I don't give them anything. It's not about giving, it's about taking. I was confused. This is where you and I are very different. I'd have torn that guy with barbecue sauce on his face, a new asshole. How dare you, sir? I'm trying to enjoy my apres-ski. Manager? Yeah. So, well, this has been an absolute joy. I love you dearly. And yes. I love you too. You look a lot like my wife.

51:37It's not weird. It's not weird at all And I think Max gets it, right? He does, he gets it He gets it And you know what the nice thing? Not threatened at all by me No man is Take your shot, Conan Take your shot Well, thank you so much The miniature wife on Peacock Miniature wife on Peacock And I've never met your co-star Matthew McFadden I'm gonna tell him to come hang out with you Well, just tell him that, because he also did a show about the assassination of Garfield. I think it's called Death by Lightning. He did. And he plays the assassin, Charles Guiteau. And I mean, that guy can be anything he wants to be.

52:24Well, his American accent is really good. It's better than my American accent. Most people don't realize how British he is. Yeah, I'm kind of obsessed with him. And so when I heard you two, obviously I'm obsessed with you. So when I heard you two were making something together and I checked it out and it's really great. And so congratulations. Thank you. Please come back tomorrow. We'll both be busy. Yeah, exactly. I'll start managing your schedule too. How do you get into my schedule? Yeah, yeah. Someone will, I'll reluctantly say yes and then I'll just be here. I'm judging a potato sack race in Quebec.

53:04All right. God bless you. God bless you. God bless you.

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54:27Okay, welcome back. We're going to do a staff review today. These have been quite popular. It's where I pull people in from our little Team Coco staff and talk to them. And we find out all kinds of amazing things about the wonderful people that make up my empire. And today we've brought in a young lad named Sean Doherty. you're a senior producer I'm a senior producer yes and people have said we bear resemblance to one another a little bit a little bit you are a tall Irish Catholic Irish fella you've got a little from Boston from Boston which part of Boston are you from? I'm from Braintree okay Braintree near Burlington close enough and just for our viewers you're Burlington what's that?

55:12oh okay yeah there you go you've got a little a little bit of a pompadour going tiny tiny did you have that going before you met me? I did I swear I swear to God I did yeah So I did. I promise. For the Oscars, I was shooting this bit where I'm Aunt Gladys from Weapons, and they had a stunt double stand in for me. And you will attest, David, and so will you, Sona. This stunt double looked absolutely nothing like me. And the whole time I'm thinking, why didn't we bring Sean Doherty in? I mean, you should have come in. What's that? Can I say, we actually used Sean when we were building the studio as a fill-in for you.

55:48Yeah, right. Yes, right. And you did test podcasts and his were much better. He was funnier. He was faster. So anyway, you have had kind of a remarkable rise here. You started out as an intern. What year? 2018, 2019. At the end of the TBS show. I was there the last year on Warner Brothers. Yeah. Okay. And what was that experience like? It was awesome. And be honest. Ruthie was my boss. She was amazing. Ruthie Wyatt, who is the best. From our social media priestess. Yes. Fantastic. She does a lovely job and also full of sunshine. Just the best. I don't think anybody is making negative to say about her.

56:31I'll come in in the worst mood and it'll just go away. There's like unicorns sprouting from her head. Yes. It's wonderful. So you're working at the show. Did you see terrible behavior? Did you ever see me do anything awful? Oh, my God. No, everyone was so good. Everyone was amazing. I loved the Horn of Brothers. I'm sorry, that's boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need the drama. You're an asshole. Everyone sucks. There you go. There you go. No, we're trying to expose the rot in our industry. This is a takedown. So you worked as an intern first, and then you've just done so well. Let me tell the listeners a little bit about you, and I'm going to find a way to shit on you.

57:05I just haven't found it yet. It feels like getting called into the principal's office right now. This is like... This is the part where the principal butters you up. You started out really well. Third and fourth grade, I thought you showed great promise. So we'll get into that part. As I get put down, yeah. Um, you, you, you are now, uh, have risen to this point where you're in charge of, uh, producing Andy Richter's podcast here, Rob Lowe's podcast. And so you're dealing with those two monsters. No. You can quietly say no, but, uh, you know, both of them, both of them scourges, uh, on the business.

57:40Um, and so you've done really well. And then I find out it was in the trades that you sold a screenplay. Yeah, yes. So my question is, when am I getting a piece of your success? You've been a barnacle on this boat a long time, Sean. So is there a part in this stream play for me? Oh my God, of course. Anything, anything you want. I mean, it's a high school comedy, so I don't know if there is a, I hate to say, you might have aged out of your role. Fuck you, Sean! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What the hell, you come in here and you tell me I'm too old to play a high school student when no one would have that take.

58:19That is ageist. It's a little concerning to just see like you hovering over the teenagers. I don't know if that would be. I think a lot of people would think that guy fits right in. Yeah. I'm still prepubescent at my age somehow. Prepubescent. I'm so post-pubescent. I came around to prepubescent again. Reverted horseshoe. So there's gotta be. No, I don't play a high school student, but there are adults that work at the high school. Do you think you could be principal, disciplinarian? What are you talking about? What do you think I'm doing right now? You just said you felt like I was being called in.

58:49If you don't find a part for me in this movie, I will sue you into oblivion. I will make up things about you. On what grounds are you going to sue him? When you reach my state of the business, which is quite high, the level that I'm at right now, I don't need reasons. I've got judges in my pocket. This is a lawsuit. Do an audition. Audition right now. You kids better cut it out. Now listen here. you nerds there's no way you're gonna win against the jocks see cause I'm with the jocks and you nerds can stay up all night and work on your robot but there's no way you beat my jocks see what role was that this is very 1980s 1970s high school and then later those nerds did what wait wait I'm the robot they invented I just beat up the football team no I think you nailed it I think this is a great movie.

59:47Oh, don't tell me yours explores relationships and stuff that might really happen. That's so boring. You want robots and you want an uptight headmaster. I think you would be amazing at this. I think you've kind of sold. It takes place in Massachusetts. So this is another point for you. Perfect. I grew up in Massachusetts, not far from you. True, yes. So you're growing up in Massachusetts. What were you interested in? What was your, what did you aim for in show business? And how did you end up at this fucked up place? How did you wash up on this beach of all places? I mean, I don't know. I wanted to work in late night television and then it died the second I came to Los Angeles.

1:00:27It was just over, yeah. It was you that killed it. But then it was, unfortunately. Late night television was thriving right up until Sean Doherty showed up with his cardboard suitcase. Gosh, I'm here from Braintree. No. I'm here to see the big city. Where's the chowder? There's no chowder here. Wah, wah. Where's the Red Sox? There's no Red Sox either. Wah, wah. I don't know why you deserve all this abuse, Sean, but you do. Everyone, here's the thing that I find disconcerting. You're beloved. Everybody universally is like, oh my God, Sean, Sean is such a good guy. They're always talking to me about you.

1:01:05And I don't know what this is, but when I hear too much praise about one of my people, I find a way to try and break them. and that's what's happening now. You identify a threat from within. I get it. I could, but you look like me, but you're younger. He's better looking. He's got the leg strength. He could go. He could lift things. Wait, for podcasting? Do you even need leg strength? When men have too much leg strength, I want them gone. Oh. And because I know that they will beat me. I'm the alpha. He could single white female you pretty easily. Oh, you could. That is what I'm planning to do.

1:01:38I will say the first time I ever interacted with you as a PA, you did say, we hired this young man. So if someone tries to assassinate me, this kid will die instead. I'm like 20 years old. You're 20. That was the first interaction. Because I had read that Saddam Hussein, you know this, right? Saddam Hussein hired all these other Saddam Husseins to look like him. Oh my God. So that if someone went to kill Saddam Hussein, there was a nine out of 10 chance they'd get the wrong Saddam Hussein. And that made me, first of all, this is why you were hired, Sean. We saw you. I turned down so many interns that day.

1:02:14And then this guy comes in. So much more prepared. How tall are you? I'm C4. Okay, this guy is exactly my height. Sean is 6 '4". He's got the red hair, the pompadour. He's got my look. And I thought, this is perfect. And that's why I kept sending you out for sandwiches, even when we didn't need sandwiches. I wanted you vulnerable. Out public, yeah. And that way you draw out the people that want to hurt Conan O 'Brien. That's the first thing he got from you. That's the first conversation that you guys had with each other. I am a notorious Hollywood celebrity interaction. And it's you will take a bullet from me.

1:02:50And not you won't you won't do it. You'll do it against your will. Not out of loyalty. No, no, no. And it worked because he was attacked constantly. I had him wear a T-shirt that said I am Conan. He would come into the office with arrows sticking out of him. Rocks had been bounced off his head. He'd been kicked by old women. and you, it was like a sponge that sops up all the hate gravy, you know? I love the thought that the people attacking you are old women. Yeah. Are you lousy? And you're so scared of them, you send out a decoy. Yeah, I send out a 20, I send out a 20-year-old kid and he just gets beaten.

1:03:28They're hitting you with their purses. They're throwing old Necco wafers at you. And yet I stuck around. I said, give me more. So what's the dream? You've written the screenplay now. would you like to with my friend Caroline yes okay wrote it yeah okay and the don't tell me the whole idea but the basic idea is these are high school students in Massachusetts uh huh and uh and it's an homage to the apartment the Billy Wilder movie oh that's terrific yeah that's great we'll leave the title out of this uh but yeah that makes it sound classy yeah and it's called the fuck boat yeah yeah yeah okay well yeah well okay well certainly I'm I'm distancing myself.

1:04:08Sorry, yeah. Distancing myself from the fuck boat. Yeah. By the way, I wrote a, good luck with that. I wrote a screenplay called The Fuck Boat that 1987 went nowhere. But what happens next, theoretically? You've sold it. Is there a, how does these things get made? How does it happen? That's the million dollar question. I mean, I don't know. I know very little about the film business. But you're a movie star now too. It's true, yeah. I'm just flooded with offers. No, I honestly don't understand that business at all. And increasingly, I don't even understand the business I was in. It's all changing so much.

1:04:47But that's very impressive that you sold a screenplay. And you're kicking ass here at the show. And people, again, much to my irritation, think you're a wonderful person. And I'm tired of it. I'm really tired of it. So we're letting you go. That is all right. This was the exit interview. I could feel it coming. And I'm filing a complaint with the Writers Guild. Perfect. Yes, yeah. That fuckboat is my title. I had a catamaran when I was in high school, and I called it my fuckboat. And you know why I called it my fuckboat, David? Why? So I'd get on it and ride around a little pond and go, nobody wants to fuck me.

1:05:27What a twist. What a twist. Oh, boy. The audience is just so sad watching it. Yeah, me going in a sad circle. Dude, dude, do Charlie Brown music. There was no win, Charlie Brown. Nobody wants to fuck me. And then, well, good night, fuck boat. So that was my screenplay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think yours is gonna be better. Thank you very much, yeah. Sean, thank you. Appreciate it. Honored to have you on the team, and hilarious that my first comment to you was that you will draw my assassin.

1:06:00Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:06:20Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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