Elle Fanning Returns

24:45I'm going to write the script. Great. No, no, it's good. And I've never, listen, first of all, never written a movie script, but I got it. And you'll be the third sister. Yeah, I'll be the third. Yeah, I'll look like the Wendy's girl. Here you go, sisters. Do Chekhov's three sisters. You know what I love? Yeah, it'll be you two. And people will be like, this is great. This is fantastic. Then ding dong, you hoo. Me in a big red wig. Totally like checking out, looking into the camera lens, doing all the things you're not supposed to do. Totally unbelievable. Wearing heels, six foot eight. Well, sisters.

25:27Well, I think that's very cool. You guys both have because I know fashion, you know, fashion is very important to you. Yes. And and you seem like a very artistic type. I know you cook and you like to express yourself in different ways and you like fashion. You like to take risks. I do not take fashion risks. You are wearing a cashmere hoodie under a blazer. Yeah, basically. That is a risk. It's called the Larry David. I think this is what he, well, that's a risk. Yeah, but it's like, it's a good color combo. Thank you. It's dark green with the navy. I'm doing a benefit. I'm doing a charitable thing tonight.

26:05So I'm usually dressed down for the podcast, but because I'm doing this charity thing tonight, I need to be dressed up a little bit. So this is me. I would say, but I don't take fashion risks. I mean, I don't. What I'm saying is I know that you'll really go for it sometimes. Yeah. Which is cool. I don't think I have the guts to do that. I mean, I think I always like growing up, I was kind of allowed to like put my outfits together and wear what I wanted to. I did a lot of like thrifting and vintage shopping and stuff like that. So, and then it's like, I don't know, acting. It also comes with this whole other area that's like this red carpet side, which is like, you know, Which is weird because it's like not everyone likes to do that.

26:45Just because you're in movies, it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to get your picture taken all the time. Sure. But I think, I don't know, for me, maybe I was like, I do like this. Oh, yeah. I do like the red carpet kind of artistic expression and getting to, it's like another character, you know? Yeah. And keeping up with those things. It is so unfair. We'll be going someplace and we'll be seen and my wife will be in the closet for an hour and she'll keep coming out and trying different things. And I just go in and put on a suit. I know. And, you know, and I just put on a suit and people and everything is just like, yep, check, you're fine.

27:22And my wife will come in. She'll come out. She's in a beekeeper's outfit. And she goes back in. She comes out. She's, you know, she's wearing like a, you know, a lion costume. Yeah, she's trying fur pants with like armored, Flemish armored top. You know, she's trying all this crazy stuff. But I feel like it's so much the pressure is so much different. Yeah, there is. And there are some days you're just like, oh gosh, like you have to think so much about that stuff. But then, I don't know, other times it's very fun. But it's interesting with like, with movie like this, like certain press tours and stuff, you know that it's going to be, oh, you know, what clothes you wear and like that's a part of promoting films now.

28:05I don't know. Like literally what clothes you wear. Well, let's talk about this because... And especially like Timothee Chalamet. Yeah. He's a fashionista himself. He is quite the fashionista. I just, I just was past the television the other day and a commercial play, it was a men's cologne ad that he's in. For Chanel. For Chanel. And he's like falling through the air wearing and I just thought, That should have been me. They are never coming to me.

28:34Look, if we can't get Timmy Chalamet, we've got Conan O 'Brien on the line. Martin Scorsese directed that ad. Oh, really? Well, let's get into it because a complete unknown, highly anticipated biopic about Bob Dylan. And you are in this movie and you are playing. It's interesting. You're playing kind of a composite character. Yes. I mean, she I play in the film. Her name is Sylvie Russo. But she's based on Suze Vertolo, who was Bob Dylan's girlfriend. And she's on the cover. Exactly. I mean, I know the iconic one of the most iconic covers ever is for the freewheeling Bob Dylan, where he's walking down the street in Greenwich Village.

29:22Yes. He's with a woman who's like sort of holding his arm and snuggling up against him. And that was his girlfriend at the time. Yes, and that's her. Yeah. And so that's who you're playing. That is. And it's really, honestly, it's really true to their relationship. It's just her name is different. That's the only thing. And I think it was actually out of a request from Bob Dylan himself because everyone else's name is what their name was. Except for Timmy who plays Dob Billen. Yeah. Yes. He's a folk singer, but everything's a little off. Exactly. He sings Glowing in the Wind. Stand, lady, stand.

30:01Stand, lady, stand. Stand, lady, stand. Do not sit long. You must stand. Stand, lady, stand. Well, first of all, I am so excited to see this film. And I would think, because also I'm fascinated with that period. We're talking 1961, 60, 61, around that era in the village. And I've always thought clearly there are times in American, not just American history, in any, in all world history, there are times where there's a moment that happens in a city that's organic. It happens in a place. It happened in Seattle in the late 80s, early 90s with grunge. It happened in Liverpool in the late 50s and 60s.

30:46Something was going on in the village in the 50s. Stuff is percolating. And Bob Dylan makes his way there from Hibbing's, Minnesota and changes everything. And so, I mean, you guys are incredible actors. I cannot wait to see this movie. Yeah, it was so amazing to see. And I, yeah, because it takes place from like 61 to 1965, basically ending when he was at the Newport Coke Festival and goes electric for the first time. It changes the course of music forever. Yes. And I think he was well, he was called Judas. Yes. At that festival. I don't know if it was that one. I don't I know in our movie it is because we play, you know, we try to stay true, of course, to what happened.

31:37But then at the same time, it is a film. And James Mangold, who directed the movie, he wanted to take liberties as well because it is a movie. And also Bob Dylan himself as a figure, he is so mysterious and he himself likes to play with what's true or not. You know, we don't necessarily know all the truths. First of all, I am I have no time for people that sit and watch a biopic and say, hold on a second. That happened in October. I know what they described in the film. It's November because they just had, you know, I think. And there are those people. Yes, there are those people. But the point of a film like this, an endeavor like this, in my opinion, is to capture the spirit and the energy of what was happening and transport you.

32:18it is not a visit to the IRS where you have all of your documents ready. So the stuff that happens in entertainment that is so out there and so explicit and so crazy, and you realize that Bob Dylan basically just plugged in his guitar and played electric at a folk festival, and someone in the crowd shouts, Judas! Yes. Because, I mean, it's so preposterous now and so laughable, but there are these famous stories of he's playing and Pete Seeger's backstage with an axe trying to cut the electricity cable. So they say. So they say. Again, so they say. But you think about, oh, Pete, rap hasn't shown up yet.

33:07You know, like funk, rap. I mean, there's all this stuff that's going to blow your mind. You know, like he's still playing folk with an electric guitar. Exactly. And it just takes that kind of one person to be daring enough to change, you know, and step outside of the box. He risked. I mean, he risked. He disappointed his core fan base, which you're never supposed to do. I've done it many times. I think I'm very brave. I think I'm very brave. Yes. If that could be the pull quote from this interview. What did Elle say about the movie? Well, Conan kept talking over her and he kept shouting, I'm very brave.

33:47And don't sell yourself short. You've disappointed all of us as well. I was calling, listen, you are my core fan base. Oh no, you sold the core. Oh no. Oh man. But I would think - We are gonna host the Oscars. I know, yeah, I know. That's insane. I know, but they'll - That's exciting. It's exciting, but I think they'll, after this interview, they'll revoke it. They'll say, Kona, did you shout, I'm brave at Elle Fanning? um but but i would think l i mean i'm uh i was born in 63 so this is ancient history to me because i i wasn't connected to it in any way but for you this might as well be 1861 you know it's it's such a long time ago but the style of that time is so iconic oh and i mean not not just the music But getting to, I would just think from an art production standpoint, like I really want to see the movie and I'm looking forward to the performances and the story.

34:46But I'm also looking forward to the cars, the guitars, the clothing, the look of things. Yeah, it's really shot with like such authenticity. I mean, we shot in New York and also New Jersey because obviously a lot of those iconic New York streets now are very modernized. So we we actually took like in Hoboken kind of created like Cafe Wa and the West Village, you know, over there. Ariane Phillips did our costumes and she's just absolutely incredible. I think Timmy had like 70 outfit changes because it really goes from him like starting Robert Zimmerman to Bob Dylan. Like in you see him as someone from Minnesota who like literally just got off the bus and seeing New York for the first time.

35:31So there's such an evolution that he takes in the film. Um, and I was a huge, I, I, it, I saying this, it's like, oh gosh, I hear how I sound, but it honestly is true. But I was a huge Bob Dylan fan because Cameron Crowe, I did, we bought a zoo with him when I was 13. I think that's what I came on your show for the first time, but he introduced me to Bob Dylan and I became like a Bob Dylan nut. and I wasn't allowed to have posters on my room, but I had a cork board and on the cork board, I had Bob Dylan up there and I would write every day. And I have to find photos of this, something, but in middle school, I would write Bob Dylan on my hand right here in cursive every day.

36:16Wow. Like weird. I don't know why I also did that. I think I was like, I'm cool, you know, I like Bob Dylan and in middle school, I was like, you don't know who he is, you know? And I'm like, I do, But I did that. And I really did. So I feel like I manifested, like, getting this part. It's kind of wild. Folks, you manifested it. You manifested it. And then the kids in school were like, what is that? Who is that? I'm like, you don't know. Wow. You sounded like an awful kid. I know. I know. I was just more like, oh, you know. I love that. You don't know, do you? Yeah. Well, I wrote his name on my hand and you couldn't possibly know.

36:59Exactly. What kind of kid were you? Well, bye-bye now. Yes. Yeah, I... But I was very excited about doing this. I was like, what? And they came to me. I was like freaking out. People have dream boards where they're supposed to, right? Vision boards. Vision boards where you're supposed to... Your hand was your vision board. That's right. You were just manifesting things. Totally. Totally. I mean, I, you know, they I know this the movie they've been trying to do for a while and with the strike and COVID and like Timothy's been training for it for like five years now. So he he sang everything live.

37:35He did the guitar live. And it was really kind of amazing, like hearing him for the first time. Like it was extraordinary. And we were in. So funny when you said he tripped and training really hard. I thought he went the Marvel route. And so he shows up as this completely jacked and he just misunderstood. Bob Dylan just all roided up. Exactly. V-shaped torso. Yeah. I'm all set to go. I put on 150 pounds of muscle. Well, now we need to do your algebra. Come on. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I didn't realize he did all of his own. He did. Yeah. All of his own singing. I was in like an auditorium for the first time and hearing him sing.

38:15I think it was A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall. He was singing that. And all the background artists in the auditorium were like, that's not him. He's lip-syncing. I was like, yes, it is. I tapped him. I was like, I know it is. I know it's him. You're always a know-it-all in all your stories. Yeah, I know. It's terrible. I happen to know it is. And I've written it is on my hands. Like the most annoying person. Like, well, it actually is. Oh, no. We should have you just pop into the podcast every now and then and go, uh-uh. It is. Was that Al Fanning who just popped through that little window? Well, you have Conan O 'Brien written on your hand currently.

38:59I'll start. I'll start. I don't know what that'll manifest, but, you know. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to know. Being on the podcast a ninth time. That's so cool. I'm looking forward to, I'm really looking forward to seeing it. And, you know, one of the things that fascinates me about Bob Dylan and always has is he was a shapeshifter, probably still is a shapeshifter, totally made shit up left and right. Yeah. So there's this famous introduction a couple of years before the incident where he plugged in. There's this famous incident where Bob Dylan's introduced by Pete Seeger at a folk festival.

39:33and Pete Seeker says, you know, he tried to run away from home nine different times, but was caught and returned. And then finally he like jumped a train and came here and camped out with hobos and here he is tonight. And everyone believed that. It later turned out to be his like parents were like, well, good luck. Here's some money and don't forget to write. Here's a cell phone. Here's a credit, you know, whatever. He had made it up. Yeah, he said he worked at a carnival. Yes. And yeah, he said whatever. Part of the traveling circus, which I don't know if that's true. I don't know. But I guess I think it's part of an American tradition where William Faulkner completely made up his past.

40:14Ernest Hemingway made up stuff. Great artists invent themselves. I believe that. And they come up with all these stories. And I think Faulkner had everyone convinced that he had flown in the Royal Air Force in World War I. It's like, nope, completely untrue. You know, he was like tending a furnace. You know, somewhere in like Tennessee or something, but that it's part of the creative process in a weird way. Sometimes you hear it and you think, oh, yeah, that's that's a sociopath. But no, that was his that was part of his process was inventing himself. Yeah, definitely. And I think even like through his I mean, obviously his songs and he's like one of the greatest writers, I think that we have.

40:54I mean, and it is interesting, like thinking about he didn't want to kind of deal with the fuss of people judging him for his past. You know, like he just was like, this is my work. I want you to judge at face value. I thought it was hilarious when he won. He won the Nobel Prize. And I just love that he was annoyed. I don't want to go. Where do I have to go to get it? You know, just like annoyed by it all. Yes. Which would not be anyone else's reaction to winning the Nobel Prize. Exactly. But. You don't want the fuss. Yeah. I know. I never. I haven't met him. I was told. I thought you did meet Bob Dylan.

41:32No, I did not. I was told. Timothy hasn't met him either. Jim has met him. James Mangold. But we have not met him. I was told that I was going to have a rehearsal with Jim and Bob Dylan. I got this email. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, this is amazing. Like, I have to pick out what I'm going to wear. I have to like, what am I going to say to him? What am I going to ask? I'm like so excited. And I walk in the next day and it's Jim and Timmy. Oh, no. And I was like, oh, what? Boo. I know. Who wants to meet Timothy Chalamet? I know. I was like, no. What a waste of time. I thought it was Bob Timmy.

42:12We were laughing over that. Was he in character the whole time or something? No, I think it's just like, sometimes they do that on set. He's just being whimsical. Well, there's, you know, and, you know, an assistant had like written it down. Bob Dylan. It was like both names, like Bob Dylan, all caps, bold in bold. So maybe I should have realized. Well, I've met him briefly. I've told you I've told it before. But just because you're here and it lines up perfectly, I can do it really quickly backstage at a concert with my good friend and guitarist Jimmy Vivino in this sort of backstage area. And then I'm pushed, like literally pushed into a room and there's a bunch of people there.

42:48And then suddenly, because of the way people are moving in the room, suddenly I'm sort of spit out at the front of the room. And there is Bob Dylan staring at me. And I'm right in front of him. And he's got the little tiny pencil mustache that he had during that phase where he's wearing the string ties and the little pencil mustache. And he looks at me and he goes, hey, I know you from the TV. Whoa. Whoa. And then just then I get interrupted by somebody who literally drags me out of my one conversation I'm going to have with Bob Dylan. And Bob Dylan like skitters away. Oh, no. And that person was Al Gore.

43:25And I've always been pissed at Al Gore ever since, because literally he went, hey, I know. He said, I know you from the TV. And I'm about to go like, oh, my God, Bob Dylan. And I'm just about to speak to him. And he's looking at me when I hear Conan, Conan. It's me, Al Gore. Oh my God, no. Global warming's a reality. Oh. It's an inconvenient truth. Oh no. The earth is warming by three degrees every fit. And I'd see Bob Dylan shrug and kind of walk away. Oh man. Did you know that? And that was it. That was it. But he knows you. He knows me from the TV. He didn't know my name. And it wasn't the TV.

44:00It was the TV. Accent on the TV. I gotta get to Chalamet and tell him that's how you pronounce TV. Yeah, yeah. You should have told him. I saw him at, a concert right before we went at the Kings Road Theater in New York. And I saw him and I actually so sad. I had eaten a bad turkey sandwich. And I was like in the middle, like the concert, I'd never seen Bob Dylan live before. And I'm like, I knew I was doing the movie and Timothy was there and we're there. And I just was like, Oh, no, I'm going to throw up. And so it was, I had to leave like halfway through. And actually, so I ran out of the stadium and it's like a beautiful theater, like really kind of grand and gold.

44:45It's like, it's really pretty. Run out right next to the concession stand, like in the lobby. And I can't make it to the bathroom, just puke turkey sandwich all in the carpet. Oh my God. And then I know I was like, oh gosh. And I had to leave. And I went to the bathroom. And then when I came back, they had like a sad little like cone over my throw up, You know, like, avoid this area. I was like, no, I have to get back to the concert. Oh, that's terrible. I must see. I know. So, darn. What was the turkey sandwich? It was not Bob that made it sick. Yeah, exactly. It was the turkey sandwich. Well, I don't even, I think you met Timmy Chalamet, but you don't even know it.

45:21I met him right before he blew up. I went and had ice cream with him. We went to ice cream after. Yeah. Yeah. What was that like? What was he like? He was cool. I mean, he was like a young kid. I mean, you know, he was he at that point had already been an inter was interstellar. The one with Matthew McConaughey. Yeah. He was in that movie already. But he had a small part in it. And, you know, I think everyone was like, you're going to you're going to do great. You'll be great. And I remember me by your name came. Yeah. You sat him down, I think, and said, I, you know, look, you should try comedy because acting's not your thing.

45:56and you'll, you know, try comedy and maybe you could be like half a Conan O 'Brien one day. Remember when you said that? I did, I did. I was like, I don't know. Comedy seems like it would be a better fit for you than drama. And he's like, I'm going to show these two people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made him. Yeah, you made him. It's because of us. Have you ever noticed? Wasn't that your villain origin story? Yeah. Do you know what he has written on his hand? Conan is wrong. Yeah. Well, I wrote that on my hand as well. Yeah, I've seen it. where yours is a little, yours is fucking wrong. Yeah, I think we all do.

46:27I think all five of us have something. I just had it tattooed. You know what's so nice? I was reading different interviews with you in preparation for chatting with you today and you said something really interesting to me, which is that you learned, you've learned different things from different people. You say that a big part of your education was working with Sofia Coppola. Like, so you've, you know, your education continued long after your formal education. And I really believe in that. I really believe we learned so much. But you said that you learned manners from working with Kirsten Dunst and Nicole Kidman.

47:00You're working with them and you learn manners. And I thought nobody talks about manners. And now I'm going to sound like an old man. But I promise you, I think it is a magic power. It's a magical thing to be well-mannered. and you are exceptionally well-mannered. You're a very kind person. And I don't think people understand the superpower that that is. Do you know what I mean? And no one talks about it a lot. They don't talk about, it's all about, obviously you've got to have talent, but you also have to like, you've got to be tactical and you've got to do this. And he's like, how about, I swear to God, being well-mannered and it's, And I understand it's, maybe it's, I've always heard it's part of a Southern thing.

47:49Like Jack is insanely well-mannered. So anytime Jack McBrayer comes to my house, two days later, I get a note. Mm-hmm. Sir, it was an honor, you know. I have a feeling that's not what it is. No, no. Yeah. He doesn't say it was an honor, but he does write. He says, it was lovely. It was an honor hanging out with your wife. Everyone likes, there you go. Everyone likes Liza. People tolerate me. But no, it's just like that's such a nice thing. Yeah, it's true. I mean, I think like just growing up, you know, from I didn't go to like acting class or anything. So it's just like being on set and around different personalities and different people and picking up on, you know, what people do.

48:30And I mean, honestly, it's like my mom. Yes. Like, you know, she would be on set with me or my grandmother. And I would, you know, write a note, get rap gifts for everyone. like I've just always done that even like small things about like putting at the end of the day like your costume like making sure that it's like hung up that you hang it up at in in the trailer because then you hear because you hear people say like they just throw and they're like thank you so much for just hanging it up it's like well it takes like a second to do that you know like it's and also sometimes it makes you realize how other people are behaving right I've had situations where I don't know, I'm doing something and I'll I don't know, it'll be like a Sirius XM record in New York or something.

49:14And I'm headed out and I'll pass the person at like the front thing and I'll say, I'm going to get coffee. Do you want any? And they go, what? And I'm thinking, I'm not giving you a kidney. Right. I'm saying I'm getting a coffee. Would you like one, too? And you realize, oh, it's such little things like I know. It just makes you feel better to I don't know, to be to be kind. I mean, it sounds so cliche and easy, but I don't in this business. It's like there's a lot of not nice people. Why'd you look at me? And by the way, I know that's a made up story about getting the coffee. I was like, did you really get coffee?

49:49No, I think you took the coffee from that. I took the security. I took her coffee and I said, thanks for the Java. Now go get your own. But you are known you you actually are known as like the nicest and the best. Well, that's very sweet. You are. Everyone says it and everyone thinks it. Sona, you've seen the real me. I have seen the real you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have. I have. It's coming out in a tell all. You already wrote it. The real Conan O 'Brien. You wrote a book. Yeah, I did. That's right. I did. She wrote a New York Times bestseller called World's Worst Assistant. She basically put it all out there.

50:26But it's basically the two of us. It's good to have a little edge. Like we're mostly mostly you read the book and it's a hilarious book, but you mostly just read the book and think both of these people are idiots who shouldn't be allowed to do anything. I think I started writing it thinking it would be a takedown of you, but it was really just an indictment on me and how bad I was as your assistant. But having being your assistant, I will say there's a difference you can see between people who will dismiss you and people who actually talk to you. Right. I got that a lot. Right. Yeah. And it makes a really big difference.

50:56Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Just remembering people's names. You know what I mean? Like on set, you do meet a lot of people. It's like assistants, like people can sometimes just be very rude to assistants because they're trying to get to you. And there's a lot of people who will actually talk to you. I had a really interesting thing happen to me. I've never forgotten it, which is I was working on The Simpsons. I was a writer producer there. This is before I got the talk show. And I'm probably, I don't know, 26. I used to just wear like a T-shirt and kind of that, you know that red James Dean, a kind of iconic jacket with the flip-up collar.

51:31I had one of those. So I'm wearing like, that's just how I'm dressed and I'm wearing sneakers. And I remembered I was gonna go meet my friend, Suzanne Daniels, who was a big exec over on the Fox lot. I remember for some reason I had a package in my hand that was just my package. And I walked into this office and I said, yeah, I'm here for Suzanne Daniels. and this person behind the desk went, yeah, just put that down. Just leave it there. And I went, well, actually, and they went, just put it down, okay? Like, because I'm the delivery guy. Yeah. I kept trying to stall and the person was just looking through me like I didn't exist.

52:09Oh, my God. And then, of course, Suzanne saw me and went, Conan, hey. And this person, she was like, have you met Conan? He's a writer-producer at The Simpsons and da-da-da, and he's going to have a late night show in a year and a half, even though nobody knows that yet. She just knew? Yes, he is a delivery boy. But anyway, I just saw in a moment. And then he's like, oh. I saw status completely shift arbitrarily. Because why does that make a difference? Yeah. And yeah. Completely. Yeah. That executive was Jeff Ross. Oh, no. Yeah. He was terrible to me. Oh, I'm sorry. When he was assistant. No, that doesn't make any sense.

52:44You made it. I know. You really messed it up. Fixed that up. Yeah, I got it wrong. But anyway, no, you know who the assistant was? It was a very, very young Timothee Chalamet. Oh my God. Oh, bringing it around. Oh my God. Yeah, I remember he was a fetus. Uh-huh. It was like, there was a fetus, a really good looking fetus wearing like some kind of exotic cologne. He said like, just leave the package there. And I said, why do you have an umbilical cord? Just leave the, just leave it there. And cue the rap light. Here we go. I got us out. Hey, Elle, everyone's going to see this movie. And I'm just, it's a complete unknown.

53:33It's you, Timothee Chalamet. Edward Norton. Edward Norton. Monica Barbara. I can't wait to see it. But also, anytime you want to come in and just sit down and talk about anything, you're one of my favorite people. No, seriously. I want to pop in now. I want to like, because the office is, it was, this is really nice with the kitchen and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Just don't go in there. That's our kitchen. Like I've already had like pockets full of snacks. Okay. Well, I'll need you to empty your coat before you leave. Snacks don't grow on trees. No, Conan, they're nuts. They literally grow on trees.

54:08You are an absolute delight. And as you know, I'm a massive fan of the great. And watching you in that role walk this crazy tightrope of being near-death experiences, being assaulted, but then being hilariously funny in the next scene. I don't know how you do it. It's one of the best performances I've seen in a show ever. And it's one of my favorite shows. And then you just have this insane career. And you're a delight. You're a delightful person. So come back anytime. time. And thanks for being here and sharing your energy with us because these guys are sucking the life out of me.

54:56We thought we might initiate a series of staff reviews here at the Tin Coco facilities. We're going to start with your producer, longtime producer, Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross, not to be confused with the roast master general, Jeff Ross, the comedian. Jeff Ross has been my producer. We really started in late night together. What is it? 31 years ago, Jeff? 93, April of 93. We met in April of 93. So someone do the math. I think it's 31. I don't want to. I think it's been - Yeah, I don't feel it. You want to go to the calculator? No, no. It's been 57 years. I don't care enough. Anywho, you get the point.

55:29We've been together side by side on this crazy adventure through show business. and what we're doing Jeff is thinking that maybe we just review people talk to them about their work it's not going to go well no no it's going to go well of course it's going to go well Jeff you've been with me at the helm of this ship for a long time we've been through we've been through highs we've been through lows we've been through highs again and then some more lows then lots of lows then a quick high then years and years no it's been great it's been great we've had a great ride but I think it's time for a brief catch up sure lately on your performance here at the show.

56:06Jeff, I'm just going to come out and say it. In all the time I've known you, you've worn glasses. Okay? This is where you're going. You've worn glasses the whole time I've known you. True. Very recently, you had a surgical procedure which you needed to have. Correct. This was non-elective. It was a surgical procedure that you needed to have on your eyes. And while they were doing that surgery, they were like, hey, we can correct your vision at the same time. That's the way it works. That's the way it works. So they corrected your vision. And you didn't, first of all, talk to any of us about this.

56:37You went ahead and had this surgery, which you had to have, hold on. Why would he talk to you? Because I talked to Jeff about all the surgeries I have. That's true. We've talked to each other about our various surgeries. Yeah, when I was circumcised and then I went back and had it put back on. What? And then I was circumcised and then had it put back on again. I tried to talk about it both times. You had it and you were just like, put it back? Yeah, I wanted it back. You got to keep it? They couldn't, well. I was holding it for a while. Here's the thing. Jeff had it for a while in his wallet. The way high school kids keep a condom in their wallet.

57:07People were like, Jeff, you got a condom in your wallet? He's like, no, no, no, it's Conan's foreskin. But thank you for keeping it. You're supposed to moisturize it, but he didn't. So anyway. So wait, it's back on there, just like an old dry pig ear? Yeah, well, we went back and forth two times because I kept changing my mind. Now it's back on and I'm not convinced it's mine, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, that's not why we're having this review. Okay. The focus should not be on the crazy surgeries that I've had butchering my member. Maybe they should be. But Jeff. Yes. You had this thing and you come in and suddenly you're not wearing glasses because you don't need to anymore because you have now 20-20 vision.

57:48But I need readers. You need readers. But most of the time you're walking around the office. I just went on, we shot a travel show together in a foreign land. We travel the world together and you're not wearing glasses. And Jeff, you will agree, a very good looking man. Yes. You're a good looking guy. You are. You're a good looking man. I think you're out of it. Listen, the whole time I've been with Jeff, women always nudging me like, that's Jeff Ross is a good looking guy. And I'm like, hey, what am I? Chopped liver over here? But Jeff - Make it about you. What's that? I said make it, you make it about you?

58:20Yeah, I was born on Make It About You, Mountain. so Jeff isn't wearing glasses now and he comes in and you walk around you don't have glasses on and I can't get used to it and I'm not the only one a couple of us Eduardo feel free to weigh in weird I can't get used to it and here's the thing I can't get used to it and you'll get to talk in just a second wait a minute I'm not even sure that's true I might just keep talking this is a great staff review a lot of us are having trouble adjusting and the thing is it's our problem because you've had a certain look for a long time, and then suddenly it changed, and you look great, but I'm not used to it.

59:00What are we going to do, Jeff? Let me say two things. First of all, I'm not used to it either because still I wake up in the morning and I reach over to the bedside table, actually it's on my left, and to reach for my glasses, and they're not there. And sometimes at night, when I brush my teeth and I wash my face, I reach for my glasses and they're not there. What I might do, what I'm considering is what you did. which is get like progressive nothing up top and readers at the bottom. Yeah, yeah. I'm considering that. I don't mind wearing glasses, and I just decided, yeah, I did the progressive thing.

59:31So my eyes without glasses are fine, but I don't like putting glasses on and off all the time. Yeah, this is a pain. And so I just wear glasses so that when I can pick up a book and read and... I'm sorry, I have a question. This is a staff review? Yeah. Okay. Okay, let me get back to the review part of it. Can I just do a segment of reviewing the staff reviews? Because I have a couple notes. But listen. But please, let's talk more about your progressive lenses. Well, I didn't put it on that. That was Jeff who made the executive producer decision. You asked me a question and I answered it. No, here's what I'm saying.

1:00:08I want you to immediately, it's a staff review. I want you to immediately start wearing glasses. I want you to wear them all the time. No, those are at the end of your nose. Now you look like Grandma Moses. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't work. Okay, I want you, and if not - I'm going to go do what you did. No, no, no. Because I do that a lot anyway. Let's not get on to progressives again because that's a, Sona's told us that's a bad topic. I had a thought. Go back to your foreskin. No, no, no. That's a separate episode. That's from my staff review. Yeah, that's a different kind of staff review. By the way, I could get it again.

1:00:39Yeah. So listen, Jeff, I had an idea, which is that you get a tattoo of glasses on your eyes. You get glasses drawn on As if you fell asleep At a fraternity And instead of a penis on your cheek It's just some really nice glasses Tom Ford glasses Only if we can go back to New Zealand To that place where the guy with the crazy tattoos on his arm He does it You like that guy I like to keep it secret where we're going But Jeff I guess Likes to just blab it out You thought it was a secret Because everybody knew you were there Yeah, that's true. I know something in a stadium full of people. You know what I heard the whole time was in the van was play.

1:01:20How's socials doing? How's socials? Staff review. Staff review. Well, listen, I like the idea of no glasses. I just have to get used to it. But I want I like things. I'm at a stage in my life. I'm no spring chicken where I like things to be the same. And so the other thought that I had was get Jeff two monocles and he puts one in each eye. and you walk around with two monocles. Yeah. You know, Colonel Clank had one, you get two. I remember. I'm the only one in the room. And then when you're in a meeting with me and you're surprised by something like, Conan stole that much from the budget, your eyes widen and they both fall out.

1:01:57That would be funny. One at a time, maybe. Yeah, one and then the other. Well, when something's quizzical or skeptical, one falls out. One falls out, yeah. But you meant to keep the other. Anyway, these are just ideas you should think about. I appreciate that. And it's weird for me too. Would you like to maybe quickly review me since you and I, you're the only person that can. You're the only one that has the authority. How am I doing, Jeff? You're doing great. We're still working. Wow. We're still going. We're still going. You don't have any notes? I have a few notes. No, we can feed you a few notes.

1:02:23Sona, you don't have notes? I've been riding this gravy train for 31 years. Okay? If you think I'm going to start giving notes. You're crazy. Jeff's sitting on top of the caboose of the gravy train. Well, Jeff, other than the glasses and get that shit straightened away, I will. A plus all the way. I like it. Keep doing what you're doing. Thank you. And I thought this was pretty painless. Yeah. Totally painless. All right. Fourskin on the table. Oh, come on. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.

1:03:05Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:03:13Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

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