In short
A “World Cup wrap-up” and chaotic interview segment on Conan O’Brien’s podcast, featuring Eric Andre. They discuss predicted tournament outcomes (including the Dutch as a dark horse), North American hosting logistics and viewing times, and whether the U.S. can become competitive in soccer. The conversation then pivots to Andre’s real-life persona and experiences (Uber rides, prank/absurd behavior, and stunt anecdotes), plus his music background and his film Little Brother with John Cena.
Guests
Eric Andre (comedian; host of The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim; appears in Netflix movie Little Brother with John Cena; studied at Berklee College of Music; plays jazz bass; also discusses composing “film scores for films that don’t exist”).
Key claims
Andre says he’s “not a real person” (comedic persona) and describes using plexiglass dividers in Ubers to avoid conversation; he claims he once got a concussion during a Cena stunt when a set piece went wrong; he says he’s been “Photoshopping” fake Knicks injuries for friends.
Notable examples
World Cup predictions (Argentina/Spain/France/Portugal; Dutch dark horse); Uber driver who talks about fentanyl; Andre’s Morocco travel for business; the William Tell/Burroughs true-crime tangent; Little Brother stunt details (thrown through a shelf, sandbag oversight, concussion).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOThoughts on the World Cup
0:27 to 1:05
The hosts share their indifference towards the World Cup and discuss its appeal.
“Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype?”
Thoughts on the World Cup
1:23 to 2:27
The hosts share their indifference towards the World Cup and discuss its appeal.
“I realized last time I said moist, so I was about to say moist again, and then I was like, no, you already did that joke, and then I was like, what's the opposite of moist?”
Soccer Passion and Predictions
2:27 to 3:38
Discussion about the excitement and predictions for the World Cup.
“just the three of us, really cares about the World Cup.”
Cultural Impact of Soccer
3:38 to 7:30
Exploration of soccer's cultural significance and America's relationship with the sport.
“I have a hard time when I talk about the sports of soccer.”
The Eric Andre Dynamic
7:30 to 9:01
Conan and Eric engage in playful banter about their friendship and comedic personas.
“overlap I don't like that it competes are you going to a game I hope so also what's that game were on your iPhone, you put...”
Formative Influences in Comedy
9:01 to 14:00
Eric and Conan reflect on their comedic inspirations and formative experiences in entertainment.
“Why would you find that hard to believe?”
Comedy Influences and Formative Moments
14:00 to 15:10
Discover Eric Andre's comedic inspirations, particularly from The Muppet Show.
“Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from The Muppet Show.”
Quirky Uber Experiences
15:10 to 18:40
Eric Andre shares his unique and humorous perspective on ridesharing and passenger interactions.
“And then they would push on each side of my body and would go like.”
The Risks of Talking in Ubers
18:40 to 22:00
A discussion on the unpredictability of conversations with Uber drivers and the risks involved.
“I did, but I was never, in my defense, I did, but I was never locked in.”
Strange Encounters with Drivers
22:00 to 23:40
Eric recounts a bizarre experience with an Uber driver who openly discussed their drug use.
“And we were in, like, the thick of traffic.”
Show all 27 chapters
Skin Health and Comedic Connections
23:40 to 25:32
A humorous dialogue about skin health and relationships between comedians.
“Peyronie's disease, also known as PD, is a condition that isn't talked about often, but it's more common than many men realize.”
Skin Health and Comedic Connections
25:39 to 27:33
A humorous dialogue about skin health and relationships between comedians.
“That's quince.com slash Conan for free shipping and 365 day returns.”
Eric's Musical Journey
28:00 to 30:06
Learn about Eric Andre's early music education and influences.
“And then I was like, well, wait, I know that you played jazz bass and you're serious.”
William S. Burroughs and True Crime
30:06 to 31:09
Discussion on Burroughs' notorious incident and its legal implications.
“They were all moist until, can we say that on your podcast?”
Basketball Banter and Fan Culture
31:09 to 33:01
The hosts discuss their favorite basketball teams and fan dynamics.
“receiving a two-year suspended sentence.”
Pranks and Shenanigans
33:01 to 35:55
Eric shares his amusing prank of faking injuries to Knicks fans.
“I can't do, I can do a Braintree accent, but not a Quincy or an Alewife.”
Injuries and Stunt Doubles
35:55 to 37:59
A discussion on stunts, injuries, and the need for doubles in comedy.
“But also just to like, I mean, yes, to say things like what?”
Pop Culture References and Confusions
37:59 to 42:01
A humorous mix-up between classic characters from pop culture.
“It sounds like how England would torture people in the year 1133.”
Misunderstanding Iconic Characters
42:01 to 44:44
A humorous debate over character names from classic shows reveals misconceptions.
“Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Nameshaya.”
Morocco and the Travel Show Pitch
44:45 to 46:36
Eric shares his recent trip to Morocco and a humorous encounter with John Cena.
“I changed, let me tell you what's going on.”
The Comedy Duo Dynamic
46:37 to 48:42
Exploring the unique chemistry between Eric and John Cena in their comedic partnership.
“I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now.”
Medication and Mental Health
48:43 to 51:14
Discussion on the stigma of taking medication for mental health and personal experiences.
“Yes it's a kind of Putting on a hair shirt It's like Irish Catholic repression It's like repress everything or self anesthetize Was it like that kind of thing?”
Self-Reflection and Growth
51:15 to 56:00
A candid conversation about personal struggles and the importance of seeking help.
“Put a picture on, put a nude image of yourself on the screen right now.”
The Weight of Anxiety and Creativity
56:00 to 57:20
Explore Eric Andre's thoughts on mental health and creativity.
“Yeah, and it doesn't change who you are or anything.”
Promoting Nutri-Grain Bars
57:20 to 59:55
Discussion about the benefits of Nutri-Grain bars as a snack.
“Conan always says, peace out, Tupac, whenever he ends anything.”
Reviewing the Reviewer
1:01:26 to 1:07:46
Conan and the team read and analyze a unique podcast review.
“If Conan had wanted my five stars so bad, he could have just called instead of haunting my dreams like the ghost of Christmas hell.”
Reviewing the Reviewer
1:10:02 to 1:11:00
Conan and the team read and analyze a unique podcast review.
“Included with experience beyond or$10 per month.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:04FX is the Bear, the Emmy Award-winning series, returns for its final season. With no money, the threat of a sale, and a torrential storm in their way, the team bands together to achieve one last service. Can they finally earn that coveted Michelin star? FX is the Bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Hulu.
0:27Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype? Yeah, like all the time. Yeah, I did that with an all-potato restaurant. Oh, no.
0:39Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sonia? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that, bullspend. Bullspend. Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend$250 and get a$250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com slash Conan. Terms apply.
1:12Hi, my name is Eric Andre.
1:17And I feel like sandpaper. Ask Conan O 'Brien's friend. How are you saying, babe? I don't know. I realized last time I said moist, so I was about to say moist again, and then I was like, no, you already did that joke, and then I was like, what's the opposite of moist? Folly's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends
2:20being hosted by Canada, Mexico, USA. But here's the problem. I don't think anyone here in this podcast right now, just the three of us, really cares about the World Cup. That's not true. It is true. It's not true. I don't think you care at all. I'm sorry. It's the only sports I ever watch every four years. I really enjoy the World Cup. The only sports I ever watch. I know. Yeah, you're not selling it. You guys know that I don't care about sports. I actually love it too because soccer players are hot. They're really attractive. And that's why you watch, right? That's why I watch. When you're watching with your boys, you go, I'd do that guy.
2:48Yeah, and I high five them. and like, right boys? He can be your dad. Yeah. Bad, bad. Oh my God. You guys want a brother? That's just, come on, man. Clean it up, Shona. I love tack too. I don't want to. Two? No, two. Oh, that's nice. Oh, my heart also has warmth for the father of my children. Okay, I shouldn't say that. What I'll say is, I wouldn't say the three of us are well-versed in talking about World Cup. Correct. Right. And we are recording this, I think three weeks ahead of time. So we don't know where in the World Cup certain teams will be, who will be eliminated, what's going on. So we're really attempting something that I think is difficult on maybe seven different levels.
3:34Yeah. And, um... What's that? Do you say several or seven? He mixed both. On seven different levels. Yeah. Well, sorry. Sorry I didn't let it slide. I'm sorry. I was going to let it go. No, no. I have a hard time when I talk about the sports of soccer. Oh, that's right. You didn't let that go. Fuck you. Hit him. Hit him hard. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask Eduardo to really help us out here. Because, Eduardo, this is something that's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here. Okay. You need to supply the passion because I'm not going to get it from anywhere else on this table.
4:09All right. So let's talk about it. We're a couple of weeks in. What do you think has happened by this point? Who's been eliminated? Oh, man. Come on. All right. So I'll tell you that going into this, the top five countries predicted to compete for the final is Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal, and maybe Germany or England, give or take one of them. It's the same as it almost always is without Brazil. But where are the Dutch? The Dutch are actually considered a dark horse in this tournament. Yeah, that's what I thought. Great question. No, no, I did know that the Dutch, and it's funny because when you think someone's saying, where are the Dutch?
4:41You'd be like, oh, he's making a joke. No, I'm not. they're very good. Yes. And they could come out of nowhere. Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch were still in play? I wouldn't be surprised if they're making a deep run. So if we're looking into our crystal ball, that's a good prediction. And if you're listening right now and the Dutch are out of it, that's on Eduardo, I believe. Sure, I'll take that one. Okay, so go ahead. Tell us more. Yeah, it's being hosted by three different countries, all North American. What does that mean when they say hosting it? Yes, that's where the actual events are taking place.
5:10Correct. But do they also have to, you know, when you hear host, Sometimes you think they have to supply food, drinks, that kind of thing. It's like hosting the Olympics, man. Yeah, you're not hosting it for game night. I know. I'm just trying to do a new thing where when you host, you really should be a host. Oh. You shouldn't charge for food and drink. And there should be a home beyonds and music. There should be music. You should, it's just an idea I had. Awkward banter in the beginning. Ballet parking. Yeah, exactly. And then people should say, hey, knock it off if it goes after 10. Every spectator has to send a thank you note.
5:39Well, speaking of - Thank you notes are huge. Speaking of after 10, the cool thing about this one for us that live here in the States or in North America, the times are like reasonable times for us to watch. So I don't have to go to a pub at three in the morning to watch Croatia, uh, play against Orlando. Correct. There'll be games starting at noon and the last game will be like at seven o 'clock at night. So, uh, yeah, it's a full days of soccer. Uh, let me ask you something. And this is something, cause I'm a patriot. America's getting better. Aren't we getting better? I know it's a long road, but what does America have to do to really be competitive in world soccer?
6:14That's a good question, I think. It's a great question. Thank you. They have taken a lot of steps forward and a couple small steps back. So this one, it's a crapshoot. USA, some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're still in it at this time in three weeks. Some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're actually - Where do you fall, Eduardo? What do you think? I'd be surprised if they're still in it at this point in three weeks. That's not to say that they're not good. I just - Is it one of those things where it's just, it's, we didn't, um, in other countries, it's just such a part of the culture and it's not as much here.
6:46And maybe you, is this a graph that's never going to completely take? Meaning will we ever be really competitive with Argentina, with, uh, Spain, some of these other countries? No, I think we will get there. I think it's just taking a lot longer. I think we're competing as like the fourth major sport. Well, now fourth major sport. At one point it was like the fifth or sixth major sport in this country. it's slowly turning with the help of that I think pickleball has slowed us down I agree I think the the excitement around pickleball excitement around pickleball I think we were starting to gain and then everybody who was really starting to get interested in soccer or as of course others say football um they pickleball came around and now I think it's that has added another hundred years I agree we should ban pickleball there's a lot of overlap I don't like that it competes are you going to a game I hope so also what's that game were on your iPhone, you put...
7:37Heads Up. Heads Up. That's what we were playing a lot. I think Heads Up put us back another hundred years, too. And you're just getting Settlers of Catan as well. I think... What's that? Settlers of Catan. What is that? It's this famous board game that everybody played for like ten years. There's like bartering. Wheats and textiles. Oh, I love it when people come over and we have some wine and we all start bartering. I probably would. I probably would. I shouldn't be... I shouldn't be negative about it. But I do think that Heads Up, Yeah. Something of Catan, you can get katan but not settlers remember the hard one i thought it was chris katan i thought and pickleball and then pickleball i think those things have probably destroyed our chances of being competitive in what i call football and which eduardo calls soccer um uh yeah i just i i'm but anyway that's what's happening i resolve almost every year to pick a team and really get involved and really follow soccer So who are you going to pick?
8:36Yeah, who's your pick? You got to go with the Dutch now. I don't have to go with the Dutch. What was the figure of speech? This is true. And I think a worthwhile figure of speech, to be honest with you. Do you know any soccer players? Do I know them? I mean, personally, I'm very good friends. I don't know the sport very well, but I'm very good friends with most of the players. Messi was at my house like three weeks ago. Okay. He was. He comes by a lot. You guys are not hanging out. What are you talking about? Why would you find that hard to believe? he loves my house and he always wants to go over to Sandler's house and I'm like what do you need Sandler for I'm here and he's like Sandler I'm much more famous than you and I said why are you talking in that stilted way are you trying to do an Argentinian accent yeah and he said you know so little about me you do stilted accent that's what he said this is all true he said your impression of me belies the fact that we are not friends and you don't know me in real life that's what he said to me and then I said belies the fact why are you speaking in broken English and then saying belies the fact.
9:34And he said, this is a terrible riff. Don't do it on the podcast. No, I'm going to do it severing times. Yeah, I'm going to do it severing. And severing. Okay, that's funny. That's funny. That's when you misspoke, remember? I don't remember. I don't remember. It's so seldom. It barely happens at all. It barely happens at all. Oh my God. It done happened. He's dying right in front of us. Hey, ask you a question. Sure. This is really dark, but let's say something were to happen to me. There was a medical event. Oh God. And then later on, a doctor said, didn't you hear it in the podcast? The degeneration of his neuromuscular ability to speak?
10:09Do you want to hear something darker? You've asked this question before. I know! Oh, no! But aren't you guys gonna I know that I've asked it before, but I'm begging you guys to please pay attention. Oh, no! When I misspeak, don't giggle. Say, are you okay, Conan? We're trying to move it along. Let it happen. Yeah, get me to the grave a little faster. Yes, yes. And you can all do your pity episode. Oh, we're so sorry about Conan. Ka-ching. It's going to be a Thursday episode. Oh, on a Thursday, we talk about Conan's passing. Oh, my God. That would be great. And then stick around. We're getting together the cast of Facts of Life.
10:44Oh, that'd be cool. I know. Can you name them all? Can I name them all? Yeah. Tootie, Joe. No, they're real names, you rookie. What? I want to hear their show names. Tootie, Joe. Tootie, Joe, Blair. Mm-hmm. God, this show meant a lot to you. It didn't, but I do know the theme. Natalie. This is weird walking in here. I went today. I wonder. I'm not kidding you. Stop. I went. I was singing Facts of Life. I wonder if that'll come up on the show today. Stop it, Matthew. I'm not saying I'm psychic. I'm saying. I'm close. What? Yeah. Were you watching it recently? No, it just came to my heart. Say something.
11:21A lot of our listeners think this thing is so well crafted, they must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture of it. And I want to say that I think this podcast episode proves that that is not the case. Yeah, America's screwed. Because we were just talking about soccer, World Cup, and then it's Facts of Life. And then you're singing the song. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all. And then you have the facts of life, the facts of life. You take the good, you take the bad, and then what? You take them all, and then you have. You take the good, you take the bad, you take.
11:56Them all? No, wait, you said it. You take it all. You take the good, you take the bad. And there you have the facts. And there you have. I said, yeah. When the world never seems to be living. Don't act like you don't know this. No, but what I'm saying is I don't know this song. No, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both. And there you have. Oh, you take them both? Oh, that's right. That makes more sense grammatically. I don't feel how that makes sense is lyrics. You know what song did make sense? Charles was in charge. Okay. Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights That doesn't make sense That doesn't make sense either No, why is the nanny in charge of your days and your nights?
12:35And you're like your moral compass of your wrongs and your rights It's too much responsibility for him Anyway, that's our World Cup wrap-up Yes! What a mess Into Eric Andre All right, my guest today is a hilarious comedian That was an intro? Oh my God of the Eric Andre show on Adult Swim. What a mess. Now you can see him in the new - This is what people come for, and this is what we promise, and this is what we deliver, and I don't regret it. Now you can see Eric, our good friend, in the new Netflix movie, Little Brother, a movie he made with Mr. John Cena. I will also say this is appropriate for this interview.
13:14It really is, because it's all, the wheels have come off this trolley many times. I always love when Eric stops by.
13:25Eric Andre, welcome.
13:30Here's why I love having you on the podcast. You are a cartoon character. You're not a real person. And I am a cartoon character. I'm not a real person. And when we're together, I'm just happy. Because. And the rest of America's annoyed. Annoyed and miserable at the shenanigans. But you don't live in the real world. And whenever I, you just don't. You just don't. You think I stand out? You are an insane cartoon character. You bounce off walls. You crash through ceilings. Yeah. To the delight of everyone. Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from The Muppet Show. I had this VHS tape growing up. It was called, it was a Clips episode of The Muppet Show that Gonzo hosted in a Hugh Hefner vest.
14:18And his wife was that chicken. Remember, he had a chicken for a wife. And he hosted this thing. it was called like the weirdest sketches on, it wasn't called the weirdest sketches on The Muppet Show, but it was like the weirdest parts of The Muppet Show. It had a more elegant title than what I'm saying. And it was just a clip show. And he was like Dick Clark slash Hugh Hefner. And he introed all the weirdest clips from The Muppet Show. And I would watch that VHS like over and over and over. Formative, formative. I haven't thought about that. For me, it was Warner Brothers cartoons, but I always thought, well, that's the highest form of comedy is people getting stretched out, elongated, people looking to Cameron going, uh-oh, and then falling.
14:55Yeah. And then I would walk away like an accordion. Those are the, I just willed myself to be one of those people. The reality is you'd have a horrible and painful death. Yes. But. No comedic value. Yes, Eric, I would, but the coroner would say, oh my God, we just looked at the x-rays of his body. It's an accordion, you know? And then they would push on each side of my body and would go like. Yeah. Weird Al Yankovic would be like, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan. So for all those reasons, I'm delighted you're here. I really am. I don't want to leave. You had to forcibly remove me last time.
15:34I did. This is my favorite pocket. You're one of my favorite human beings. Oh, that's so nice. When I look into your eyes. Then why the angry mail all the time from you? Well. I hope you die. And then you sign your name. Yours truly, Eric Andre. Why do you write those to me and your return address is on them? And they're filled with anthrax. I don't know. Oh, that's what that is. I thought it was powdered sugar. You know, celebrities are not well. I'm not a celebrity. I still drive an Uber. Wait, as a passenger or as a driver? It wasn't a good joke. That also died in my mouth. There's a tombstone on my molar.
16:21here lies Uber joke. You'd be a great Uber driver or a terrible one who wouldn't stop talking, but I would love it if you picked me up in an Uber. That would be so much fun. What do you do when they start chatting you up? Or back in the day, yellow cabs, when you were in New York City, when they start chatting you up. This is going to sound weird to people. Would you lean in and chat or would you just be like - I think they want him to stop chatting. No, no, this is what's weird. This is what's weird. And I hope this doesn't put people off of me. But when I call an Uber, I bought one of those plexiglass separators and I have it.
16:52It's heavy. And I carry it with me and I call an Uber and when I get in, I quickly attach it. Oh, God. You have one for each make and model of each car. Oh, I say, I look up which car they're going to be, and they're like, oh, it's going to be a Toyota 4x4. And I go like, I know which one is for the Toyota 4x4. I know which one is for, you know, I mean, literally every kind of SUV. Your house is like a plexiglass factory. That's all it is. Yeah. And I quickly shout to my son and this is, I won't let him go to college. So he just is the guy that he is my caddy for plexiglass separators. And I'll just say things like, it's a, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a Subaru Outback.
17:32And he's like, got it, what year? And I'll go 98. And then he rushes in. So that's kind of a dick move. And they always get very like, what the fuck? And I'm like, shut up. I don't want to talk to you. And then I actually drill into their seats and they don't like that. You go, ah, ah, ah. Susie, wussy. No talkie, walkie. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now, what do you do? Because I would imagine we're probably similar spirits that you like to talk to people. You like talking to anyone. Not in the cab, not in the Uber. Well, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm catching up on work and I'm locked in.
18:15and I got my laptop on my lap or I'm doing work on the phone. What, are you building a rocket? I'm locked in. I'm getting the specs for re-entry. You got to get just the right... What the hell are you locked in on? I'm trying to write jokes. I'm trying to write ideas. Okay. You've worked in this business. Really? I've never sat down and written a joke. I just go... You wrote on legacy shows. I did. I did, but I was never, in my defense, I did, but I was never locked in. No, I get it. I get it. I'm just giving you shit because it's fun. You know, we're good guys. We're good guys hanging out and I'm giving you shit.
18:55You're harassing me. I'm harassing you. I'm harassing you. You're constantly harassing me. You show up at my house. I don't know how you got my address. I think you looked at the paperwork. I look at the return address on your hate mail. It's funny because the last time I saw you, I was doing a club here in L.A. and you were about to go on and it's the same thing. If I'm about to go on. I had my, I'm not going to say ginger, you get that too often. I have my redhead friend from Australia, very funny comedic actor, Reese Mitchell. And instantly, you guys locked eyes and you went over to him and you went, when's the last time you got your skin checked?
19:31And you guys talked about skin for like 30 minutes and then you went up and you're like, I got to get ready for the Oscars. It was like a match made they saw each other and it was like they were instant best friends and they just talked about skin health. And you kept trying to talk. That's like what two widows do when they've lost a husband or something. That's right. That's right. How are you managing? I'm getting by. Instantly. There was no hesitation. He like, you looked into Reese's eyes and you just went right in. And you gave him like a dermatologist number. Yeah. You guys were, and it was like, he didn't take off his shirt.
20:12and I did a very close exam with those special glasses and that special light. And I did not like what I saw. Yeah, but it's funny how... You didn't let me answer, rude, by the way, how I am in an Uber. And I am very rude in an Uber. No, I don't usually like to talk. Well, I like to talk if the person's interesting, but it's a crapshoot. So the risk, I do a risk assessment. Yeah. And sometimes the person knows when to stop talking and start talking. And sometimes they're interesting in stuff you're interested in. Sometimes it's a crazy person. So you do a little bit of risk assessment. So I don't, because I don't want that, like, you know, 3 % of them that are batshit crazy.
20:59There was a guy, as soon as I get in, got in his car, within 10 seconds, he's like, I love fentanyl, man. That's my problem. And I go, I go, well. Oh, yeah, I'm listening to some tunes. You see my headphones? I'm sorry, that's horrible. And he's like, God, I just quit, though. I just quit. I go, oh, when? A couple days ago. And he's pulling up to my house. So I'm like, great, now this guy has my home address. And I'm like, this is an office. It looks like a house that I live in. It's an office. I'm going to work at the end of the day. It's kind of a weird job, and I can't tell you anything about it because I don't like the fact that you have my personal information.
21:39And he was telling me, he's like, the patches are better than shooting it up, but shooting it up with the patch. But I'm through with that shit, man. Also, he's been driving you. Yeah. He's been in charge of whether you live or die. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I'm plagued by that Uber driver. And my heart goes out to his afflictions. But I was trapped. And we were in, like, the thick of traffic. Like, we were in West Hollywood at, like, 5 p.m. So it was, like, the slowest. what would take like 20 minutes to get back to my house took like an hour and a half, you know? And it was the longest afternoon of my life.
22:16Yeah, it was rough. I always say this, if the driver's been weird and they pull up to my house, I always say, it's been nice talking to you. By the way, we're selling my house tonight. To Eric Andre. Yeah, to Eric Andre. Who, by the way, loves visitors. Has a stash of fentanyl. Yeah. keeps vintage fentanyl he keeps his fentanyl right by his loose cash he's got the loose cash room and the fentanyl room and a bedroom that's it not even a kitchen in there anyway oh well yeah I always say to people when they pick me up from my house or if it's a guy that like the Amazon guy recognizes me or the UPS guy I go I just go yeah I'm Airbnb in this place pretty trippy huh anyway Don't think about the address.
23:09Why is there a mural of you on the garage? Oh, that's why I Airbnb. Yeah, to do a self-portrait on the garage. Yeah. Is this what you want to talk about? We are so ADD. I don't think we ever make a single point. I looked away from you for a second and I forgot who the guest was. And then I... I'm Harrison Ford. And the good news is then I looked over at you and I was happy that you're here. Oh, that's good. So it's nice to see you, by the way. Good to see you, too.
23:46Peyronie's disease, also known as PD, is a condition that isn't talked about often, but it's more common than many men realize. Some men may even feel embarrassed or reluctant to bring it up. PD may involve a buildup of scar tissue that forms under the skin of the penis, which can cause a noticeable curve of the bump during an erection. That curve can lead to pain during intimacy It also may affect a man's confidence and mental health It also can lead to frustration, depression, lowered self-esteem And even withdrawal from sexual activity and physical intimacy If you notice a curve with a bump down there, it might be PD The good news is it's treatable A urology specialist can diagnose Peyronie's disease and talk through treatment options To learn more, visit TalkAboutPD.com
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24:29Summer always changes how you get dressed You want pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, things that are easy but still put together. That's where Quince comes in. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Think breathable linen and soft organic cotton. And think that now. And Quince goes way beyond clothing. They have custom upholstered sofas, ceramic cookware, premium bedding, and more for your home. Now, you have some personal experience with Quince. Do you not, David? It's true. Yeah, I just went, well, you know, I'm going on vacation soon. so I went to their vacation shop.
25:03Wait, did I approve this vacation? Oh. This is the, can I go on vacation soon? Sure, go ahead. Great. So I got a new shirt for the vacation. It's a 100 % European linen relaxed short sleeve shirt and then I got some Italian. You're talking just the way people talk. It's the way everybody talks. Hey, that's a nice shirt you got there. Yeah, it's 100%. Well, and then it goes with my Italian leather everyday sneakers that I got too. They're a white sneaker that I think it's going to look great on vacation. You know what? Your style has improved recently and I think Quince has something to do with that.
25:30Definitely. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash Conan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's almost a full year. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com slash Conan for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Conan. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. I don't know about other people, but I know for me, I like to work. And sometimes I like to work really hard, but then it can pile up. I overdo it and I start feeling completely fried. And I'm not thriving. And that happens to me sometimes. And Sonia, you've seen it. I have. I have. You work yourself a little too hard sometimes.
26:16Well, it's important to take care of yourself when things get busy by resting, recharging, and saying no when you need to. Therapy can also be a way to get out of autopilot and get a solid reset. Talking to someone else helps you get a little distance on your situation and maybe helps you cope a little better. Therapy with BetterHelp may help you better understand your needs, feel more confident, set boundaries, and create a rhythm that feels sustainable. so you're not just go, go, go all the time. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences, and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you.
26:56That's huge because picking a therapist is often a boundary for people. Take a pause with therapy. BetterHelp can help life feel manageable again. So sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash Conan. That's betterhelp.com slash Conan.
27:17I'm curious if, because you have such, and I want to talk about this too, you have such a serious music background. I was reading up on you today. No, but, no, but. Sorry. Sorry. So far you've shouted two things at me. Rude and boring. Sorry. No, but. I can't help myself. It's very hard to be. You just. Like, bring it back to serious. Well, this is going to stay serious long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love that you just dropped an album and it's called Film Scores for Films That Don't Exist. It's a classical album. You wrote film scores for movies that aren't real. Yeah. And I was listening to it today.
27:55A bunch of us were listening to it and it's legit. It's really good. Thanks. Thank you. It's really good. I'm flattered by that. Thank you. And then I was like, well, wait, I know that you played jazz bass and you're serious. You like studied at Berklee School of Music. But I didn't realize when you were a little kid and you started playing tuba when you were really young. Yeah, I played piano at five, tuba in sixth grade, and cello and bass in high school. Yeah. Yeah. And then so this is just something that was in you. I went to school in Boston. I went to Berklee College of Jazz, Daddy-O, and I played the Seinfeld theme over and over again for four years.
28:32Yeah. And I flicked a dime under a lamppost. That was a course. I shot an apple off my wife's head or whatever William S. Burroughs did. You know about that? And he killed her, right? He killed his wife. And then when the cops come, he goes, we were playing William Till, the game where you shoot an apple off the head. It was more of like, I think he was like the laziest excuse for homicide. I'm sorry I made your podcast so dark. No, no, no. You don't go. This is what people love true crime podcasts. So we're going to become one briefly. But that's what I always heard is the police show up and he went, we were playing.
29:13And his wife's lying there with a bullet in her head. He's like, we were playing William Tell. And I tried to shoot an apple up her head. Didn't work out. But she can't arrest me. Yeah. And the cops were like, that's legally. Like, I mean, that's solid. Sorry we bothered you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, so he ostensibly killed her and then went to the refrigerator, got an apple and placed it by her head. I don't even know if he just said, I ate the apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, there wasn't even an apple there? No, I don't know. All of us are talking about this thing. And guess what? What kind of true crime podcast is this?
29:42This is the best kind where people just shoot off their mouths about a crime that maybe didn't even happen. And I'm going to right now say, Eric doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. We both just kind of heard this thing. I also got self-conscious because I was about to make the same jazz jokes that I made on your podcast last time. So I was like, oh, what's another beatnik? I haven't covered William S. Burroughs. And then I heard your audience. Everyone's butthole dried out at that moment. They were all moist until, can we say that on your podcast?
30:13Their buttholes were moist. You Puritan. Adam Sacks will confirm this. No one's ever listened to more than one of these podcasts. We have a huge, huge number of people, but we're just working our way through Earth's population. but no one's ever after listening to one listen to another wow yeah it's a very strange way of getting it we were like repeat your stories at will we got a verdict on william s burroughs yeah it really happened it's dark you're about to look up some dark 1951 in mexico city yeah william s burroughs shot and killed his wife uh and said he was playing he was playing william tell and how did he get off then he didn't he was convicted oh oh he was oh i thought he i thought They were like, hey.
30:54So did he go to prison for a long time? He was convicted of culpable homicide in Mexico, but served only 13 days in jail before his brother secured his release on bail. Well, murder it. If you're going to murder your wife, do it in Mexico. Go on down to Mexico. Wow. He was later convicted in absentia, receiving a two-year suspended sentence. What? Doesn't seem that bad for killing your wife. Yeah. I'm just going to say, message to all murderers out there. Keep that William Tell thing in your back pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep an apple and the William Tell story in your back pocket. And maybe do it with a bow and arrow, too, just to really legitimize it.
31:30You came into a bank, took all the money, and shot someone. It was a William Tell game! Yeah. I barely know what William Tell is beyond a guy that shot an apple off of somebody's head with an arrow. Beyond that, I couldn't tell you. Yeah. I couldn't tell you a single thing about William Tell, what era it is. I know he wrote an overture, that's it. There is an overture for William Tell. Was William Tell a fictional character? You went to Harvard, smarty pants, you tell us. Daddy Warbucks. That would be work if you're rich. I meant like an egghead. Einstein. There you go. Einstein's better. I'm off my game today, Conan.
32:08You are so off your game. You're just a big mess. And it's delighting me. You run for the Knicks, Mr. Boston? Yeah, I am. You know why? You know why? Are you okay rooting for the Knicks right now? I am okay rooting for the Knicks because I think it's a good thing for New York. I spent a lot of time in New York. They haven't had a title since 73. I'm very happy for them. I really am. There are Celtics fans listening to you right now. I know. Like, oh, what a sellout. Yeah. Piece of shit, human being. How dare he. That's my Boston accent, by the way. What Celtics fan has ever committed violence?
32:41Look it up. I don't think it's happened. I think I'm on safe ground. You're very Boston, historically, very safe sports fans. I'm happy for the Knicks. I am. No, you can't be. You just know there's like three guys in Dorchester right now pissed at you. Yeah. There's a guy in Alewife right now pulling his hair out like, Pony, you're a Celtics fan and nothing else. Nothing else. I can't do, I can do a Braintree accent, but not a Quincy or an Alewife. But a Boynton, Aaron Nashua. Can you do those? I can do Tewksbury and Andover, but I can't do Worcester. Pretty good. Pretty good. When it comes to Massachusetts, I only do region by region.
33:18My accent works. I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts. I thought of something today that would be funny, and you'd have been good at this, too. This would be a great thing for you, but I was convinced I should do this. When we record this, I don't know when this airs, but the Knicks are up to games. They're looking for a sweep, possibly. They're headed back to Madison Square Garden. It's just like a huge thing, and all these, you know, hardcore Knicks fans who've been there for years, like Chalamet's hardcore Knicks fan, Ben Stiller, Spike Lee has been in every Knicks game since they created basketball.
33:55And I thought it'd be really funny if I dressed up in all this Knicks regalia and somehow forced my way in and did one of those things that some celebrities do where they act like, I've been a fan all along, but they're just there for the gravy. And people, I love ideas where people would hate me so much, but somehow I get a decent ringside, like courtside seat. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I keep going over to Chalamet and trying to high five him and still her. And I've just got Nick's goggles and a goofy foam hat. And we're number one. People would be so justifiably mad. And then in interviews, I don't know who any of the players are.
34:34I'm not even sure how the game is played. Hey, they were shooting against sidebasket. in the first half, what are you over there for? And when do they hit a home run already? Yeah. And then I'm like, go Knicks. Go Knicks. Wouldn't people get so mad? And if you were with me. I got these tickets for free. F-R-E-E free. I even had the money and the fentanyl patches. Hello. I called WME and I said, make it happen. Get me in to see the Knicks win the World Series of basketball. What a dick move. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You must be fascinated by those things because that's been making people. I haven't told anybody this.
35:18Go ahead. I've been Photoshopping fake injuries of Knicks players and sending them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. So I've been Photoshopping fake TMZ articles like Brunson tore his ACL this morning with Today's Date and texting them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. And they're like, I swear to God, Eric, like your voodoo, whatever you think is funny right now, it is not funny. You are not. And the more angry they get, the more I'm cranking out these fake Photoshopped articles of injured Knicks players right now. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm losing friends. So bad. Yeah. But also just to like, I mean, yes, to say things like what?
35:59Text people early in the morning. Why was Brunson operating a wheat thresher in the first place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what? I don't know. Why would they trade Josh Hart to the Pistons now? Between game two and game three of the finals? They're going to trade him? Okay. It's their team. And my friends are pulling their hair out. Well, of course, they take everything with a... I try to... I mean, I think I do stuff like that all the time where I'm just deadly serious. And I can still convince you, Sona. I know, I fall for it. But you guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny. Yeah, that's a problem.
36:35I'd be much richer if I... I'd have Kevin Hart's bank account, hopefully, if I didn't have that affliction.
36:46I forgot you got to do comedy for other people. And then you make it a money. I still don't see it that way. I'm still a... If you like this, you can have some. And if you don't, get out of my store. I'll talk to Ali Wong, and she's like, on a private jet on her way to play like a soccer stadium in Qatar and I'm doing like the Chuckle Hut in Coyote Bladder, Mississippi like passing out flyers outside of the venue. And I'm like, man, I should probably start writing jokes that more than three people like. Also, I really, I got some pretty good laughs falling 15 feet onto some spikes and then there's a recovery time.
37:26By the way, do you have lifelong injuries? No, no, no, no. I mean, you should Bring the jackass guys in here. Those guys are very injured. They're like evil Knievel injured. When Johnny Knoxville starts going through some of his injuries, it actually makes my stomach queasy. It's like... He's been here, and I love the guy, but he's... I mean, he broke his penis. He broke it. Yeah, and he had a catheter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball fell out in that one movie, and he had to, like, shloop it back in. They didn't even have a medic there. I had injuries, and I used to brag about them, but when I started hanging out with those guys, I'm like, oh, dear Lord.
38:00It sounds like how England would torture people in the year 1133. Whenever you read about the Dark Ages, you're like, God damn, England really hated people. So how did you, your tongue got torn out and then shoved up your ass until it was back where your tongue goes? What stunt were you doing where that happened? England was being quite rude for, I'd say, a thousand years to their own people and all their neighbors. rude rude rude to the french to the irish they were being less than polite yeah they were a little cranky for a couple thousand years then they got it out of their system yeah yeah then they chilled then they went to india and africa and they chilled out then they were cool then they were chill then they were chill and australia they were quite rude to the world um england you I'm taking England down a peg on this show.
38:56And I won't be silenced. You will be silenced. Love you, England. I'm pandering to your Irish, whatever Irish you have. Because you could be a little Scottish, too. No, I'm 100%. You're 100%. Yeah, I was trying to pander to you, and you didn't take the bait. I was like, England sucks, right? Because guess what? Hey, March 17th is coming up next year. Your favorite holiday. I was trying to tee it up for you. Have you ever seen me wear green on St. Patrick's Day, Sonner? Never, never, never. I at least thought you would be like, I hate the British. No, because real Irish people don't like Irish people.
39:33I always, yeah. We just, it's a thing. We just don't. We hate everyone equally. That's good. I think it's good. It's good. It's healthy. I want to ask you about, I'm going to change the subject, and I'm going to do something that's semi-professional, but don't hate me for it. You drew a naked picture of me, and I feel very uncomfortable every time you look down at it. You made a movie. you made a movie that's coming out and it's there's Jeff Epstein's emails at the bottom of your notes JEEVacations at Gmail with my body drawn so I can't I keep trying to book a flight on his plane and he won't get back to me hello you made a movie called Little Brother yes very funny movie with you and Mr.
40:14John Cena and you do there's a lot of you very funny but doing very physical stuff. Yes. And I pray to God you have a body double for these things because there's some truly cartoonish scenes. Please tell me there's someone who looks a lot like you who's getting thrown into a wall at 600 miles an hour. This can neither be confirmed nor deny. I'm like Tom Cruise. I'm taking it to the grave. Wow. And yes, of course, I paid a 25-year-old Puerto Rican guy to fly through glass. I'm in my 40s now. I'm not, you know. I injured myself enough on my own show. I need a little help now. You need a little help.
40:53I need a little help. What I seem to remember is you made this movie with John Cena, and you guys are very funny together, but I think John Cena once seriously injured you, didn't he? Poor John. So he, in reality, he did not. He did, you know, we did a stunt that went awry. This is like back in 2000, I believe? No, no, 2000. Yeah, I was kidding. I was trying to see how healthy you are now. No, it was 2020. Was this 2020? I think it was 2020. You're from the show Golden Girls, right? I'm talking to Blanche Dubois. I love your work. I love your podcast. I remember. Your questions are all over the place.
41:33Kindness of strangers. Look, I'm just talking. You have a Blanche Dubois quality about you. I'm just realizing now. I do. I was very beautiful in my youth. That's what people, you may say. You're just a randy old woman. Now I'm a randy old lady. and I'm flitting around my New Orleans apartment. It was Boca Raton, Florida, where the show took place, fictionally. Are you talking Streetcar? Yeah, I'm doing Streetcar. And you're doing Golden Girls. You're talking Streetcar? Yeah. I'm talking Golden Girls. Is it Dubois or is it Devereaux? Devereaux. It was Blanche Devereaux. On Golden Girls? On Golden Girls.
42:09I was correct. Who's Blanche Dubois? Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Nameshaya. No! So I was right, and you're wrong. That's Vivian Lee, right? The actress. Yes. The fictional character is Blanche Dubois? Yes. My entire life, up till this moment, I thought Blanche Dubois was the redhead on Golden Girls. I do get why. They both have French last names. This might be... Their names are almost identical until the last couple syllables. What is it? It's Blanche Devereaux? Devereaux. I was living in a broken joke for five minutes and you did nothing to help me. This entire podcast is one of the... It's like seven garden hoses that are hopelessly gnarled together.
42:48And one of them's leaking and we're trying to untangle them to figure out which one to turn off the water, but we can't. And there's just water everywhere. We're still in that jalopy with the triangle wheels. We were a disaster. I really loved how long he was talking about the Golden Girls and how long you were talking about a streetcar named Jessica. But we were vibing, man. We had riz. I don't know what that means, but we had it. You quoted it. I have to say, I have to come clean here. I got off a plane very recently from Morocco. That's your excuse for everything, O 'Brien. My mind is not working.
43:25And you know what? Yours isn't working either, and I don't think you have an excuse. And together, we're just a big hot mess. And I'm very happy. I don't care. This is a disaster. Why were you in Morocco? I do some business there. Yeah, you're smuggling hash. again. I can either confirm or deny. I'm Tom Cruise if he was smuggling hash. No, no. What did you ask me? I did a travel show. John Cena. You know, this is like a cop Oh, your travel show. This is like a cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. Can't see your wallet. Wait, what do you mean? You have to step out of the airplane.
44:08It's a car. Wait, what? We're just two big messes interrogating each other. I don't know who's in charge here anymore. Oh, I didn't know Blanche Dubois wasn't the one for the Golden Girls. I watched Golden Girls when I was young with my grandma because I lived in Bunkertown, Florida. I watched Streetcar Named Desire with my grandmother over and over again because I was very closeted. I just wanted to clear the air. That liquid has been here for ages. We don't know. Is that Guinness? Yeah, I'm having a Guinness right now. That's my other problem. Okay. Now see here. What did you really ask? I truly can't remember.
44:44I am going to say this very clearly. I changed, let me tell you what's going on. John Cena in 2020. Oh yeah, he threw me through you. Okay, so he threw me, it's not much of a story. He threw me through a shelf on the Eric Andre show. I destroy the set every time. And I found out he was a big fan of the show. So we had him come in. He grabs me. He's like, ah! He grabs me, throws me through a shelf. That part of the stunt was fine. By our department, we forgot the sandbag down the shelf. and it had a metal frame. And even beforehand, my stunt coordinator was like, that thing's got a metal frame.
45:15You gotta be careful. I don't like that prop. I don't like that prop. You said shut up. I don't like that prop. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah, dude. I don't pay you to think, dog. Now show me those abs, daddy. And then Cena threw me through the thing. He did the stunt properly. I went through the thing properly, but then the thing went over. And it was the only season of Eric Andre show. I got rid of all my body hair on purpose. I, I bicked my head bald. I waxed my pubic hair that you can't even see on TV. Alana Glazer goes, you have to blur your crotch for why did you wax your pubes? That doesn't even translate.
45:55I go, Oh yeah, I don't know. I didn't think about it. These are the things professionals talk about. I have one question. Yes, Alana, why did you wax your pubes? That's a good point. So, So I didn't have, my hair works like antennas. Like I know when stuff's coming because I have big hair. You have big hair. So I didn't feel it coming. And the thing went over and boom, gave me a big Fred Flintstone. And I got a concussion. I got dizzy. I was talking about things that didn't make any sense. And I went to the hospital and got a Kotzkamp. And you immediately booked a podcast. Then I came here. That was 10 minutes before I showed up.
46:34Yes, it wasn't your fault. It's been the biggest trip to Morocco ever. I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now. I pitch to the network you're on. And because of you, they go, we already have a travel show. And I go, Conan stole my idea that I stole from Anthony Bourdain. Yes. Trust me. Listen, you can have my travel show. I will give it to you. But you still have to call it Conan O 'Brien Must Go. But it's with you. And we don't even explain it to anybody. and you got all the money and the glory and i just i'm like yep and people are like what is that white why is it colonel brian must go for five minutes you were my newman i was like oh brian always after me always nipping at my heels i'm eating canned beans by fucking candlelight i switched my ssri by five milligrams by like like this much in which direction i went i went up.
47:32I go, maybe I just go up a little bit. And now my brain is like...
47:39So I called my psychiatrist today. I go, I think I gotta take the elevator back down. Sweating. You should have. I mean... I'm on like 55 peptides. I'm gonna be ripped by the end of this interview. But I'm gonna have pendulous breasts like Vivian Lee in Streetcar Named Desire. Like Vivian Lee in Golden Girls.
48:05you guys want to train SSRIs by the end of this why don't we do a little you can be on what I'm on yeah I got them on I got on them pretty late for a guy with my affliction that's how I feel I'm like why did I wait this long for a really long time and then what do you think that is pride I'm like why did I wait so long uh I know in my case it was just nope you don't take anything to make life easier if anything you do things to make life harder So I hair shirted it and I just was like What's hair shirted? Like hair shirt means you're just like I don't know That's not a phrase Yeah you wear a hair shirt I collapsed it Old monks used to wear it to do like self punishment Yes it's a kind of Putting on a hair shirt It's like Irish Catholic repression It's like repress everything or self anesthetize Was it like that kind of thing?
48:51I like reducing you to a stereotype That's what I'm trying to do You are reducing me to a stereotype only it's exactly true You're right Hey, Celtics, right? England, bad. Celtics, good. I keep pandering to you. And I do live under a magical mushroom in the forest. Why am I pandering to you? Putting on a hair shirt is this phrase, but basically I think that's what I was doing, was saying, something that makes life a little easier for you, fuck that. It's supposed to be hard. And I did that well past the age when I should have been doing that. And you're in your 90s now, so what are we talking about?
49:26You know, I didn't like that. Okay. yes did i fight in world war ii yes was i old then yeah i went into the battle at 35 years old um and you fought for the japanese i fought for the japanese because i said the cars they make in 20 years are going to be fucking amazing i should have done my homework anyway another to Guinness. I'm sweating. You are. You're a big mess. But, watch this. But I did climax several times. What's going on here? Don't I just throw garbage at me? No, she's throwing you some Kleenex so you can wipe the sweat. She tried to slide it like a bartender, but it's just like a fumble.
50:09It's like a saloon. I just see giant. And it's empty. Oh, no, there is one in there. What? I was like, do you want me to throw that out for you? Do you have recycling? Budgets are tight. I worry that if I do that, I'll have patches of tissue all over my head. You made a movie with John Cena. It's called Little Brother. You guys are really funny together. Thank you. I've been trying to talk about it the whole time, but you're all over the place. We get it, dude. You went to Morocco. But now you're back in the USA. A country with absolutely zero problems, baby. Hey! Don't you dare make political commentary here Don't you dare I didn't say a word USA, USA, USA Do they got that chair in your little Moroccan paradise?
50:58No they don't, no they don't Thank you I chant USA to every foreign country I go to And they like it? Oh they love it Tell me more of this USA I wear a star spangled I dress like Uncle Sam Star spangled Top hat, outfit it and i just goes back to the beginning of the pod when i talked about the the worst halloween custom i ever had my mom god bless her soul but she said i'll take care of it and she got me an uncle sam costume and it was like 1970 height of vietnam 1973 and i'm like i've got this man and i was and we've talked about it years ago on the podcast but yeah we bought it do you have an image of it you gotta put a picture we did yeah we we did i I think find one, yeah.
51:42Put a picture on, put a nude image of yourself on the screen right now. I'll get some clicks. Let's see what you're working with. All right. Well, I think you'll be quite pleased that yours isn't like that. All right, all right, all right. I want to see what you put your wife through. I'm going to say twice a year. Why, she's crying. Ah.
52:09Oh, you're so far off. We hit the big tree. Sora, why are you just laughing along? Why can't you jump in and say, that's not true. He's very sensual. Why would I say that? Just from what you've heard. Oh, God. You're supposed to have my back on these things. Don't I hear you? He's super sensual. Wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about my movie, Conan? I don't want to. Dude, help me out, dog. You guys are funny together. I'm trying to plug a thing here. Why don't I do it? Because you're in no state. You're crashing. You took the wrong pills. You need to get a real... I want five milligrams of Zoloft, dude.
52:51I'm partying, dog. Isn't it funny? In your 20s, you're like texting your friends, get me Coke, get me Molly, get me mushrooms. In your 40s, you're like, get me Propecia, Zoloft, Wellbutrin. something to moisten my gums what is that a thing you bet it is what uh you make this movie it's very funny thank you um and my curiosity is you guys must have known beforehand that you you do well together i mean clearly he had been on the show he had thrown you through a bookcase but i love john well he well we're totally opposite yes the way we look the way we behave so I knew instantly that's a recipe for a good comedic duo.
53:34Yeah. And I love his work ethic, and he's got comedic chops. You look at him, and he's this giant lumberjack. He doesn't make sense. He shouldn't exist, but he does. He knows Mandarin fluently. Do you know what it is? No. He plays virtuoso piano, like concert piano. He's the most interesting man in the world. And like, he's just, he's got comedy chops. Yeah. It's not fair. No, it's not. Man, you have to have comedy chops or no one will talk to people across the street. I'm a very good athlete. And a male model. But anyway, I know. I look like Stoffelovagus. Yeah. Last time I was on the pod, you told me you had gray teeth growing up.
54:21That's what it clicked. Because you are a handsome man and you're tall. You're tall and you are a handsome man. As soon as you said you had great teeth. I had two dead great teeth in the front of my mouth. I go, that's why I was a comedian. There are plenty of other reasons why I was a comedian. But the great teeth, they helped. You need those things as a child. People are surprised when I tell them I meditate and I do my homework and I got straight A's in school. They're like, what? They think I dropped out of fourth grade and just ate candy until now. They think I'm just like, I eat a gummy worm sandwich every morning.
55:00I think I go home and I'm just like...
55:10Which, yes, I do do some of that. But you know what I'm talking about. Well, I know, except I really do those things at home and I don't meditate. So I could use more Eric, you know? You want to snort some Lexapro, dog? Which one are you on? I'm on a new one. Oh, really? I'm just on straight Prozac. Oh, old school. Old school. I mean, it's Prozac. And my Prozac was developed in the 50s. Oh, you have vintage. You have like an artisanal. It's very hard to source. Yeah, it says, use Doc Conner's Prozac. And you run out a lot. More effort Prozac. Yeah, it says, goes well with cigarettes. When you started, did the demons just go, and you were like, oh, I didn't have to live like that for that long?
55:52It was annoying. It was annoying. What was that all about? But no, I credit Andy Richter. Andy Richter's the one that said, you know, why don't you get some... Take the help. Yeah, and it doesn't change who you are or anything. I thought it would. That's the other thing. That's why I didn't do it. That's why I was hung up. I was like, I won't be comedic. Yes, that's what I thought. And clearly I'm right because I've been a mess this entire podcast. But I was like, it'll change my personality. I don't want to be like catatonic. I thought I was going to be like Jack Nicholson when he gets electroshock therapy and one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
56:24just like, like vegetables. Yeah. And I was like, I can't, that'll ruin me. But I was, I guess that's part of it. Yeah. Anxiety. Yeah. Obsessive compulsive, thought loops, depression. I am really just bringing this podcast down. And I won't let you plug the very movie I'm in. We're not plugging that anymore. We're now plugging Lexapro. Eric Andre, you are what I want to be when I grow up. You're just, you're just, I so love being around you. being super serious. Likewise. I've always loved all the times you came on my show crashing through things. And you're just a force for good. Thank you, buddy.
57:04So I'm super happy for you. I'm happy if you made this. I mean, and again, there's not just the movie. There's also this album that just tickles me. Film scores for films that don't exist. You're such a hyper-talented guy. And please come back and make even less sense next time. You got it. These are my favorite episodes. They really are. They're good. Peace out, Tupac. Credits. Conan always says, peace out, Tupac, whenever he ends anything. Yeah.
57:41I was at the airport. I was waiting in one of those long lines. And I kept saying, hey, let me through. I'm Conan O 'Brien. And they said, shut up. You'll wait in line. And I went, oh, okay. and that's so sad it's a really good story but I was hungry I didn't have a snack with me you gotta keep and I didn't want to lose my place in line and go try and find something I know that's when you gotta have Nutri-Grain on you you gotta always have a snack in your bag and when it's a Nutri-Grain it's perfect it's perfect because it's the right size it's handy it's also nutritious yes okay you can go anywhere it's made with 10 grams of whole grains 10 vitamins and minerals these guys are obsessed with 10s and no high fructose corn syrup.
58:22Nutri-Grain nourishes and it hits the spot with delicious flavors. They got strawberry, apple cinnamon, blueberry flavors. I just had a blueberry back in the snack area. Yeah. With a little bit of a glass of milk. You earned it. Nice job. Nice job. Find nutritious and always delicious Nutri-Grain bars at your favorite store or online retailer today. And look for new Nutri-Grain Crunchy bars in stores near you. Oh, I'll get that crunchy. I will. Summer always changes how you get dressed. You want pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, things that are easy but still put together. That's where Quince comes in.
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59:35And then I got some Italian. You're talking just the way people talk. It's the way everybody talks. Hey, that's a nice shirt you got there. Yeah, it's 100%. Well, and then it goes with my Italian leather everyday sneakers that I got too. They're a white sneaker that I think it's going to look great on vacation. You know what? Your style has improved recently, and I think Quince has something to do with that. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash Conan for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's almost a full year. Now available in Canada, too. That's quince.com slash Conan for free shipping and 365-day returns.
1:00:11Quince.com slash Conan. With the U.S. Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, You earn an unlimited 2 % cash back on every purchase. Huh, it's a good deal. No quarterly activations, no categories to track, just unlimited 2 % cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day, I bought you this antique wig stand. Oh. And I didn't get cash back and I regret it now. Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift. Do you wear a wig or is that your hair? Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me. Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back.
1:00:51Yeah. Visit usbank.com slash smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. Bank National Association, pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. Some restrictions may apply.
1:01:08Do you guys want to do a review of the reviewer? Well, I think the answer is yes. Okay, great. Yeah. Always say yes. Just as we planned it. Yes. This is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I find a review for the podcast and we can talk about it or review that podcast. So we have Katie Jordan Wolf. The title is Ghost of Christmas Hell. Five star review. If Conan had wanted my five stars so bad, he could have just called instead of haunting my dreams like the ghost of Christmas hell. Guys, I'm still reeling. I can't get the cackling image out of my head from a nightmare I had last night. I guess the spirit of Conan won't rest until I rate the damn podcast and Ghost of Christmas held me in my horrific vision.
1:01:47Conan was the villain of Terminator 2 Judgment Day. With, and this might be the most disturbing visual of the whole thing, a shaved head. He was like a cackling joker slash Lex Luthor in a too tight suit and staring at me with his beady little eyes. Anyway, thank you, Conan, for this awful image that will haunt me till the day I die. And I will probably somehow linger after I'm long dead, buried in the minds of my descendants. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. Here, take your five stars, you ruthless animal, and stop visiting my dreams. Oh, my God. What is her first name?
1:02:21Katie. Katie. First of all, great writing. Yeah. Great writer. Really funny. And help me, because you know these things. The villain in Terminator 2, is that the policeman who can turn into liquid? Yeah, Robert Patrick. It's the evil T-1000. T-1000. Don't act like, don't do that. Don't do what? It's a T-1000. It's the evil T-1000. It's a nerd assist. He's helping out. Thank you. I'm helping out. Yeah. Okay. Slam dunk. There we go. All you. Nerd alley you. Any hoops. Awful. What an awful thing. We were inventing these terms. So I was shaved head. I wonder what a Freudian psychologist would say about, you know, what does it mean?
1:03:01I'm there cackling. Yeah. I've got a shaved head. I don't know what that means. You kind of are T-1000 in a way. You're lithe and nimble. You can slip through jail bars. Yes. Yes. I can. I'm first of all, I am primarily made of liquid metal, but also, yes, I can shapeshift. I'm a shapeshifter, a mind grifter, a high plains drifter. There's nothing I can't do. There's no gum I won't chew. Oh, God. I see myself very much in that role. So I think it's cool and correct that Katie identified me that way. Don't you want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger? No. No. That's awful. because then you have to be governor of California.
1:03:44And I think the state is ungovernable. We're going to find out.
1:03:52There's a big thought that California should be split up into smaller states. What? Yeah. No. Because it's too big. It's too big. No one seems to be able to run this place. The north, the central, and the south? Yeah. I think there should be three different states. Oh, so you do subscribe to this. I'm just going to go with it because it's good for the podcast for me to have a strong opinion. I think it should be subdivided. I think it should be three states. What would you name them? Kala, Forn, and Ea. Oh. Yeah, I live in the state of Forn. Or Ea. What is Ea? I'm in Forn, but we're headed down to Ea for Christmas.
1:04:26I live in Forn, but I vacation in Ea. Yeah. Yeah, some people believe that that's what should happen. Some people believe it should secede from the union, too. Where do you fall on that? Well, because we are the world's fourth largest economy. Interesting. No, I don't think so. Okay. But I will change that opinion if it gets us more content for the podcast. I'll do whatever it takes. So for me to have a strong opinion, do we secede? I mean, I guess, but then that raises all of its own problems. We could be attacked by Utah on the night, and you don't want that. Utah? Yeah. I think we could take Utah.
1:05:01I don't know. Our army, I don't know how our army would do. And also, remember, if we're split into three, then that's a... Oh, you're saying, if we're three, are we three different countries? I think if we secede, we're one. So what are you for? Us breaking into three and staying? Oh, I'm not getting in. You're not dragging me into this. Well, you are California born and bred, so you have to weigh in on this. I love my state. You're an immigrant, so you - What? I'm not an immigrant. You can't vote. You can't vote. You can't vote. I can vote. Immigrants can vote. What? Conan. Yes, we can. First of all, I'm not an immigrant.
1:05:35Yay! I got her. I got her to admit. I was birthing you long before Trump was birthing Obama. I was birthing your status now. Don't brag about it. You know what? I got you uncertain. I was born here. I was born in Montebello. Well, which is it? You keep changing your story. Stop. I'm saying, I'm trying to teach you that immigrants are allowed to vote and it's okay. And I'm not an immigrant. Well, I'm glad because I think they should be. And I'm glad we've now changed it so they can. Oh, wow. Okay, good. You're so brave. And whenever that passed, that's great. Yeah. I'm for it. I am for it, and I'm glad that finally that's the way we're doing things.
1:06:10Well, Katie, I hope we answered your question. I know. What are you? You totally went off topic. I brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger. You started bringing up breaking the state into three parts. Well, which is it? Do you want it to be three different states, or do you want it to be one that secedes from the United States? Its own country. I want to keep us together. I think we're stronger together, so I'd like to be our own country. Okay. I would love to have a passport that's just like California. Yeah. And it says, chill, dude. Yes. In Latin, on the top. What is chill dude in Latin? I don't know.
1:06:40I'm not even going to try. Dorme. Brosephus. Brosephus. Yes. Hey, you know what? That's you. We're going to legitimize your citizenship for that. You know what? Sona, welcome to America. Don't do an accent when you say it. Everyone says it's America. This is awful. You know what? It's okay to be an immigrant. That's a strong stance I'm taking. I love immigrants, and I'm so glad that you are here now. I'm glad. I love that you're here now. Okay. She used to listen to me on Radio Free Europe when she was growing up. In the country of Montebello. In the country of Montebello, nestled in between Serbia, and I got to get out of here, yeah.
1:07:27Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm going to secede from this podcast. Yes, yes. You are a villain. Let's break this podcast up into three distinct sets. This is why people are dreaming or having dreams of you as a villain. I am a villain. If you listen to this podcast, you are a villain. I am an arch villain. Yeah. I'm the Joker and the Riddler all combined. Yeah, that's true. Peace out, Tupac. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
1:08:08Take it away, Jimmy.
1:08:12Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.
1:08:48And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
1:09:04Big news, Sona. Yeah? Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation? No way! Yep, they're making it easier to stay connected so you're free to wander. Well, that's really cool. And I love a national park, I really do. I do too. Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that, good signal. It's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah. So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff. and suddenly you don't have it because of a bad single, that's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon.
1:09:38Oh, okay. Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again. You know? Good. So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch. Best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow, that's some sentence. T-satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Service may be limited or unavailable. Included with experience beyond or$10 per month. Auto renews. Cancel any time. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand.
1:10:17Disclaimer, please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon.
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1:11:00Visit HyundaiUSA.com or call. I'm going to give you a phone number. Write it down. Okay. 562-314-4603 for more details.
From the publisher
Comedian, writer, and actor Eric Andre feels like sandpaper about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.
Eric sits down with Conan to discuss and his mental health, his Uber conversation preferences, and his new film with John Cena, Little Brother. Plus, the gang consider Conan as a terminator in a new installment of Review The Reviewer.
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