Flula Borg Returns

20:55I also think I may be do it to draw attention away from parts of my body that maybe I'm not thrilled with. Speak to me. Well, I'm just saying I have beady little rat eyes. That's incorrect. Look, it is true. Look, look at me looking around. Beady little rat eyes. Delicious. And I've got this eye vein under my eye. And then I've got these thin lips. Like what happened? What happened to that guy? Did he chew on a grenade to save his regiment? And his lips blew off? Oh yes, episode two, Band of Brothers. Yes. And so we hate to tell you, what happened to me? Your lips are gone. No. And so I think the hair is a way to draw people away from my features that I'm not as proud of.

21:34Very confusing. You are a beautiful man. I love all of the items you have described in a fully platonic, non-sexual way. Oh, well, maybe we can nudge that over to sexual. Let's give it a try.

21:56Once I was walking in the neighborhood where we make this podcast and I heard someone shout out a window, as fans sometimes do. Yeah. And I looked around and I couldn't see. Get off my property. Yeah, exactly. And get a real job. And so glad you're off television. I get that a lot. Someone will shout at me and then I heard someone shout at me out a window and I looked around and I couldn't see who it was. And then I get a text and Flula said, that was me that just shouted out you at the window. I said, hello, sorry for screaming. It's me, your friend, Flue Le Borg. Good to see you. Yeah, but it all came out as, I don't have it!

22:27You know, it's that Doppler effect. The Doppler effect. You were going by so quickly. Oh yeah, Doppler plus Deutsch unintelligible. Yes. So it was nice of you to yell out at me. Thank you. Did you have, I thought you had a baggie of delicious calories. Is that accurate? I'm not, probably not accurate. I don't think I walk around much with food. And if I did have some food, I'd probably make David Hopping hold it. Oh, David. David is still alive. Well, yes, despite my best efforts. He's been kept alive. He's been kept alive. Oh, wonderful. He's on a saline drip that's keeping him alive right now.

22:56Oh, excellent. Like in Seven. May I say hello? Oh, perfect. Thanks. Bringing Brad Pitt back. I like it. Well, my bicycle pal. Okay, so I'm getting this image of your life, but you're also very enterprising. You've been in movies. You've been in television. Yes. You're always on the go. Hello. Flula is slowly but surely taking over the world, yes? Well, as a German, that's illegal, and I would never admit to this. I have... Taking what I meant. I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm saying you are... Invading. Yeah, you are invading media with your... I'm subtly gathering stamps on my passport, fully legally and with everyone's consent.

23:35You are blitzkrieging Hollywood with your talent. I am just very subtly showing up with a cake and a smile. A massive air show of talent. No, no. No, no, no. You are... Daintily prancing around.

23:50Now, I had the pleasure of going to Berlin with you. Remember when we were in Berlin together? I remember this, yes. And this was fascinating for me because I got to see you in your home environment. And I noticed that a lot of the German people are very comfortable with nudity. Oh, very much, yes. And you seemed very comfortable with nudity too. I'm also German, so I am part of this Venn diagram you have just described. Now, I, for example, not comfortable with my nudity at any time. You did not enjoy having your penis exposed on the beach. No, I wear a full on formal tuxedo when I take a shower.

24:21But you, you, on the other hand, I noticed very comfortable with it. Have you tried that here in the States? And and what's the reaction then? Oh, exposing my genitalia. Just walking. Yeah, I don't mean just genitalia, but I mean, letting your body be free of all clothing. Have you been nude in America? And how has that gone over for you? It has gone in awkward ways. I try to, have you seen the show Austin Powers and the Murder Mystery Man? Oh, I don't know the name, International Murder. International Man of Mystery. Yeah. In the beginnings, it is the credits. He's always like turning around.

24:50Oh, maybe we will see his pee pee. But no, it's a broccoli. And then he turns around and he's like, what is that? Oh, it's an M1 Abrams tank or something. And so this is how I try to present it to myself in America, because I know everyone is terrified of nudity here. Okay. Well, I don't know if they're terrified of it, but it can be inappropriate quickly. I'm told you boarded an American Airlines flight completely nude. That's the kind of thing that's not cool. I was wearing flip-flops. So it's inaccurate. Okay. Well, the news accounts I read did not mention the flip-flops. Well, you didn't read deep enough or they are terrible reporters.

25:26Okay. Well, this was the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. These are fine papers. Oh, Nicholas Kristof. Okay. Yeah. Okay. He apparently was sitting in the row opposite. you. Yeah, well, we are no longer on speaking terms. You weren't friends until you boarded his flight. Until I just heard this news of my flip-flops being omitted. In general, you're doing well? Life is good? Oh, I am absolutely terrible, Conan. Why? The world is on fire. Oh, people always say that. Really? Mathematically, no one that is now alive will be alive in 222 years. Oh my god, I didn't realize that. I'll just think about this.

25:58I made all these plans. I know. So now you have to execute those plans immediately. Do it all tomorrow. You know, don't wait what they say. Wait tomorrow. And it's too late for today to make it. So you should have it. You should do it now. I can't believe that hasn't been a poster. I think Benjamin Franklin. No. Yeah. Benjamin Franklin, as he was stroking out, said that. Don't put to tomorrow what today can be done the other day. So if you go forward another day. And then please relight my stove. And there's some lightning. There's a storm coming. Someone put a key to a kite. Tie a key and make me an omelet.

26:33Let me ask you something. How familiar are you with American history? Do you consider yourself, I mean, you've come to this country. We welcome you with open arms, as America does sometimes. But do you consider yourself an American citizen now? Do you think you're comfortable in these ways? I am very confused every time about everything, but I'm also very excited. I love to learn. I'm like a sponge. You can just dump things into me, Kalman. You don't dump things into a sponge. A sponge sort of goes over the... It's an inaccurate metaphor. Yeah, and you added a U to the Spounge just now. I'm sorry about Gowarly.

27:06Oh, see? Jesus. I took your U and added it to Spounge. So I'm Gowarly again. Okay, it's Gowarly and Spounge. Okay, so. A wonderful tag team detective show. Yeah. Gowarly and Spounge. They took the U from Gowarly and added it to Spounge. Yeah. So it's Gowarly and Spounge. Better than Thelma and Louise. You, uh, whenever I'm done speaking to you, I'm very stupid at the end. Also. Also. So you don't get smarter. By speaking to myself, never. No, no, to me, when I'm done speaking to you, I'm very dumb always. I'm going to go home. I'll probably have to be driven home because I'm not safe to drive after speaking to you because I'm so stupid.

27:42Yes, I get it. So, Conan, when other people speak to me, it's like, you know, people are like, oh, you should have your teapot open and ready to receive more tea. But I have the top, the top is on. What? So if you put... I don't understand at all. Imagine a submarine. Yeah. How do we get to a submarine? Imagine how many liquids and waters and airs enter a submarine. Yes. That is my brain when we speak. Okay. Very good. Yes. I'm going to change the topic. Okay. To your topic I was trying to talk about, which is you and America. What about this country confuses you? A lot of this, there's much driving, not much.

28:15Do you have a burp? Is that a thought? I just burped. Oh, okay. I just quietly burped. I'm drinking a lot of water and I just burped into the little microphone. But you also leaned up a bit. So I didn't. I wanted you to, I wanted you to see that I was burping. So that was purely burp. That was not a toot. I can't do the both at the same time. You can't. I'd be in the almanac if I could do that. That's a flurb. What's that? A flaut and a blurb. Okay. Now I'm so stupid, my heart's not beating. You've just taken me down to baseline activities that are run by the cortex are gone. Yes. You're in the seventh level of the Titanic.

28:49You're just shoveling that coal, but no cuisines are being cooked. Do you like America? It is very enjoyable to me. I feel very lucky I have received a career thanks to you and also other Americans who have employed me so vielen Dank and thank you Conan Christopher is it correct? O 'Brien Conan Christopher O 'Brien very good that is my name I've googled you yes oh you have? yes yeah you are a comedian and also a host a host yeah do you also say ghost? yeah ghost ghost and host ghost yeah yeah yeah geist geist is like your spirits and gespenst Can we speak German? Yes, if you want. So, a red head can't understand.

29:33He doesn't understand anything. Yes. No. Okay, guys, guys, guys. I feel like I'm the odd man out at the UN. What's going on here? We were saying, can we talk so that you can understand? Oh, very nice. Well, that's really, that's some real hospitality there. That was not nice. Sorry, Bangladesh. Yes. Now, how much German do you speak? Just a little German, but not very good. Klieben, klieben. Well, I'm joining in. He's not noticed... 你 lists down in my problem? equality if the park arrived you have been Messenger or firmware do you want them to help them yeah if you really you will make me them out on everyday yeah kle senator the club So that's how it's done, Gorli.

30:33And the next time you feel... Oh, oh, Otto Preminger. Oh, na klar. Ja, bist gut, bauch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Konolklin. Oh, maschig, maschig.

30:46You know what? I don't think we can even... I don't think we can put ads on this episode. Because this... No one's listening in the email. No, no. I think we have to contact all the advertisers. and say you don't want to waste your money on this episode because absolutely nothing is happening. I'm very sorry, Conan. I know this is our first, not first, but this will be our last time together. This is the last. This can't happen again. I'm being signaled right now by, oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. He's back. He's looking in through a window saying no more of these. Oh, wonderful. He has spoken to you.

31:20Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, regularly, yes. Great. Congratulations. Well, I am the chosen. I look forward to reading your book. I want things for you Me as well I want you to enjoy your time here And I want you someday maybe to have a family Do you think that's possible? I'll have a musical family Maybe a family of animals Would you ever Do you trust me with children? Can you imagine me with babies? I think you'd be a great dad You know what I did as a matter of fact I know you've mentioned this before But I gave you once for fun When we were on tour together I gave you an American Girl doll and you, I thought, just for fun, I gave you one.

31:59Thank you. And I thought that would be it. And this tour lasted a while and you bought a baby holder. Baby Bjorn. Baby Bjorn. No relation to Flula, yeah. You bought a Baby Bjorn and you took care of this baby beautifully. Thank you. You brought the baby everywhere. Yes. And I thought he'd be a great dad. Well, I'm very good with an inanimate object with legs and arms that cannot pee pee poo poo or be fat okay all right but an actual life being i would call and would say be very careful about it yes would you be tempted if you had seven children uh to make them sing you know and they before they went to bed at night yeah i would if i had seven children i would be tempted to say hey i be right back i'm running some errands everyone oh and then you take off yeah i think i think the minute they heard you say that they'd No, you're not coming back.

32:51He doesn't know how to run and does not understand the word errands.

32:57Conan, you have offsprings. Yeah, I do. Do you plan on more, five to six more of these offsprings? Well, I think no. You're very virile. Well, I know I am. I think that's understood when you just hear the podcast. Delicious voice. My sexual exploits are legendary. No, I think I have two children and they're beautiful and I love them. and I think I'm very happy in my marriage. So no, I think that's it. I think that's it for me. Oh, okay. I think that's it. I think there'll be no more Conan children. What finality? Okay. No, I just say, I mean, I love these two kids and... That's enough for you.

33:34Yeah. So you're not like Constantine or Alexander. You don't need to... Well, in some ways I am. Oh. Yeah, a conqueror, a legendary figure whose name will resonate through history. Yes. Reverberate, if you will. I will do it. But no, I will be happy to, If you had a child, I would adopt it. You would adopt it, my child? Yeah. If you have a child and you want to take care of it, I will adopt your child. I will commence with the procreation process. Well, what a man. You know how to get a lady into bed. Yes. We'll now commence. Yes, now it happens. Yeah, play the Falco. Yes. Are you hitting the clubs much recently?

34:08I don't hit any of the clubs at all. I am doing a lot of nighttime playing of music by myself. And then I also play trombone in the mornings to awaken my neighbors and also the world. And that goes over well with them? No. Okay. Wouldn't think it would. No, I received many complaints, but a glissando, there's no better way to wake up Conan than with a glissando. Very nice. Did you... That's a sliding of the trombone as you play a toot. A toot. You play a toot. Yeah. You are a musical maestro. Thank you. Give us a toot. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been in an umpapa band? No, I have observed umpapa bands.

34:46I have been in a shoe plattler band before where I, yes, I shoe plattler and the Oompa's Oompa. And then we, we will join. Shoe plattler is when you slap yourself and you slap other people as well. Yeah. There's a lot of slapping. Yes. That was chimpanzee as you did, but there will be other items that you will slap like buttocks and also knees and also toes. Yes. It's like that song. Yeah. It's an, it's a crazy, crazy. I got to do it with Andy Richter once. There's a remote you can see online where Andy Richter and I, a shoe plattler. It's one of my favorite remotes we ever did because it's out of it's insane.

35:19You were there for that. I observed it. You observed it. It was absolute madness. It was the most German people observing you with absolute humanity. They would they refuse to giggle or laugh at anything you said. And I loved it. It's one of my look it up. It's online. Go check that out. I saw you be excited at people not enjoying you. Oh, that's my favorite thing. When people aren't enjoying me, there's a there's a delight. I feel when some people describe going towards the light when they die and they feel this peace and this calm and they know they're going towards their loved ones. That's how I feel when people, when I'm going too far in one direction and people around me don't like it.

35:56Yes. I'm in nirvana. I'm as happy as I can be. I feel this as well when I do things. Conan, why? I don't understand this, but it is a delicious time. It's like, oh, everything, everyone thinks this is terrible, but I'm still enjoying this snack. Yes. And I love sometimes that, oh, this is, we are born alone and we die alone. And this is this moment, this pure moment where I'm on stage in front of all these people. And I'm so delighted with myself. No one's following me on this. And I don't know how to describe it, but I feel effervescent. Yeah, this is a metaphor for my entire life. And I'm very excited about this.

36:35Conan, do you find that this is more fun or less fun than we people are like giggling and laughing and clapping at you? Which feeling is - I always hear laughter and giggling in my head. Oh, it's your own - Yeah, right now I'm killing. Yeah, yeah. Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, yeah. Yeah, yeah. When I order in a restaurant, I hear huge applause. When you hit order on the Postmates, you - Oh, I'm like, whoa, standing ovation, seven minutes, Chicago theater. 10 % tip. 8 % is as high as I will go. That's the most. Yeah. Single day. Yeah. Keep it in the singles, I always say. Yeah, of course.

37:03Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. buy this hole. Oh, chip a lot. Why? What's the point of that? Exactly. Why do we do it? He's such a good improv partner. Yes, yes. Why do we do it all? Let's play a quick improv game right now. Yes, and. Okay. Let's try it right now. Well, this is pretty hard work, isn't it, Joe? Oh, that's right, Johnson. I am also hurting from my back and also hips. Oh, man. I can't believe we have to dig so many holes. Oh, this is so sad. Look at this hole. It's not deep enough. Yeah. Well, time to fill it with Marshmallow, because this is... Marshmallow University.

37:45I thought that was a terrific improv. Oh, is that it? Well, okay, we'll keep going. Yes, yes, I sure love it here at Marshmallow University. Me as well. Good thing we have enough chocolate, otherwise we would be making some lessers. Some what? S'mores, lessers. Lessers? I didn't know what lesser was. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. Some lesses, a joke to compare with s'mores, which - Oh, you got that? Yeah. I didn't, Adam, did you get that? Did you get that? No, I did not. Eduardo, did you get that play? Okay, one, two, three, four. I declare a sum war. Okay, stop it. Stop it. And a pinky piece.

38:19Yes, see? I won't have it. I will not have it. I agree. I thought that was terrible. I agree with you, Cumber. You just blew up the improv. And of course, Gowley goes with you on it. Yes, but my inside brain was also laughing. I think you and I work very well together. We did some improv on stage. And then when I would do Q &A with the audience, you would run around with the microphone. And my favorite thing is you would trip or bump into someone and say shit in German, which is scheiße. And so you'd be running around the microphone and you'd be going scheiße, scheiße, scheiße. I don't know why.

38:52That made me laugh really hard. It was accurate. Yeah. I was receiving a lot of pinches. People are pinching, you know, pinch me if this is a real thing happening. So I received lots of pinches. A lot of, would you say people were coming on to you? I don't really know how to read these things. Like, is someone attracted to me? Usually, if someone's giving you a pinch, where? Where on your body? It was usually buttock region and also between the buttocks. Well, that is someone actually molesting you. That's someone molesting you. Taint. What? The taint. No, it's the taint. Taint, not taint. Taint is, that's just wrong.

39:26Taint is, that's just. Don't ever say taint again. Tant is the weird... It just sounds so wrong. Because already the taint is the in-between of something, so the tant feels like even more in-between. Don't even talk about it. You know what? You're not allowed to talk about it, Gowley. The tant is inside the tant, you're saying. Okay, don't, don't, don't. I'm not saying that. I'm outlawing this word. I love it. No more tant. I'm good at this, yes. Okay. Yeah, no more tant. Okay. It's a tant-free zone. Okay. Taints only in this biatch.

39:58You know what my favorite musical is? Tell me more. Tunt misbehaving. Listen. Yes. Do you know what my favorite baseball hit is? What's that? Tunt. Oh, yes, of course. It's really, yeah, the bunt. Yeah. It's when they hit the ball very slowly. Worst improv ever. This is terrible. They don't hit the, whatever. Do you follow American sports? I love that you hated this. Yes, I follow it. I like your basketball, your hoops, and your swishes. You love basketball. Yes. And I made your dream come true once. You did. You let me meet a very nice man named Charles Barkley. Yes, I was. we were in a bar together.

40:31We were, yeah. And we were in Atlanta. Yeah. And suddenly I hear a gentleman call my name and it's none other than one of the great basketball players of all time. The round mount of a rebound. Yes, Charles Barkley. And I happen to know that you were a massive fan of the 1980s NBA. Oh, yes. Because that's all you could see on VHS tapes when you were living in Germany. Yeah, up to 93. So the last thing I saw was the Suns-Bulls finals featuring Charles Barkley, Dan Morley, Michael Jordan, and Scotty Pippen. Right. And then you had no knowledge of anything that happened in the world after that. Oh, it's like that Will Smith Men in Black pen was just showed to my face in 1994.

41:07Yeah. So you knew nothing. No. So I remember bringing you over and introducing you to Charles Barkley and you were just filled with wondrous joy. Yes, I giggled. He didn't understand a word you said. Zero words. He did not make eye contact with me. He could see the excitement was too high for just a meeting of a man. Yeah. Also, the fanny pack, I think, was... You were wearing a really bizarre European fanny pack. Sparkles. And you got nervous and you went into, I think, complete German. I did. And I also misremembered. He went to Auburn, but I said Alabama, and this is a big no-no. Yeah. You pissed him off.

41:44But he was a gentleman. He was a real gentleman about it. And he gave me and security a signal, and then we got you out of there. You carried me away. I felt like I had won a championship. That was nice. Yes. Thank you again, Conan, for this. I've still yet to repay you for this. Please. You know, maybe someday you'll introduce me to one of my heroes. And please list those heroes for me now. All you'll need is a mirror. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Cause I love myself. Yeah, right. Hootie ball. Come on again. I'm not a shootie ball. I'm not a body. I do. Yeah. Hollow notes, yeah? That'll cost us. Yeah, we just lost.

42:21How many subscribers? Yeah. It says right here. Oh, that's a fast moving number. No, no, no. We just lost the BetterHelp people. Oh. We lost Casper Mattresses. What about ZipRecruiter? We gained Duolingo. You gained Duolingo. Duolingo and Babbel want in. Babbel are in. Yeah. Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone wants in. Listen. All of them want people to learn how to speak correct German. So in a way, we're winning, yeah. Yeah. This is very exciting. Yeah. Do you have big plans for the coming year, you know? Yes, I plan to go on tour and learn how comedy functions, and then I will prepare a 60-minute presentation of it.

43:00So you're going to go on tour to learn how comedy works. You know how they say, if you want to land on the ground, jump out of a plane and then build your parachute. Okay. I am going to, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to sign you up for a six-week course where they teach you common aphorisms. Yes. Okay? And you can learn them. You can learn because you don't seem to know the simple things, you know, like you have to cherish those. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a with shoes, hopefully, if it's that long. When life gives you lemons, make I'll throw those away and purchase limes as they are better.

43:40Help me here. I got to come up with more. Stitching time is worth 42 cents. OK. When at first you don't succeed. Oh, give it up immediately. The early bird gets probably eaten by the even earlier bird. Yes. Who is usually larger. Yeah. The larger birds usually get up earlier. Larger birds are. And they lie on the ground with their mouths open. Waiting. Yeah. And then they just, yeah, they wait for the early bird. To land and then get chewed. Yeah. You are, like I say, you're like a vacuum. Yeah. Do you feel that your intelligence is dropping? In a way, I feel like my mind is expanding. Oh, I love that.

44:17No, I agree. My mind is expanding, but my brain is shrinking. That's what happens after a sprained angle. My skull is getting bigger. Right. I'm losing book smarts, but I'm gaining cosmic awareness. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like Neil de Lassie Tyson. Yes. Okay. Do you get it? Yes. It's a reference to a canine who is less intelligent than a scientist. But you - You know what you're going to have to do, Aflua? Several things. Defecate, probably sleep. Yes. Eventually. Also, before you take this comedy tour, you must learn as a comedian you're not supposed to say get it over and over you know every time you make a joke you shouldn't say get it how do you not know you need to you just have to hope they get it and if they don't it's too bad but you can't keep saying get so i will say like oh look at those donuts i hope you get it but if you didn't get it that's no don't even say that don't bring up the concept of getting it or not just be confident that's all okay yeah that's a very fun lesson to teach to me.

45:14Thank you, Conan. Listen, some people call me an icon. Space cowboy. Space cowboy. Gangster of love. You've got some of the aporisms down. You love American music, don't you? I love music and Americans make a lot of it. Okay. A lot that you make or the Americans just make a lot and you like some of it. Oh, sorry. It's just I've seen a lot of indictments these days. Yes, I love all the musics. I love American music very much. Hall and Oates is very nice. Technotronic. They were terrific, yeah. Technotronic is also very fun. Snap! I got the power. That's an old one. You like some old music. I got the power.

45:54Yeah, but that's, what is that, like 25 years old? Early 90s. So you're a preacher really of the early 90s. I think so because we just didn't receive many things after this. I just kind of turned my brains off and just kept absorbing the same things. I feel like you got all the pop culture you needed probably between 1986 and 1994. and then you said that's all I need and you didn't no 1994 Dream Team 2 and then you move on and then now I've watched Game of Thrones six times in a row and this is the this is the fullness of my experience so you think Friends is a show that was on for one season I assume Friends is a thing I would love to have some of okay alright yeah I'm do you have questions for Flula I mean I'm opening the floor I mean I I guess I just have maybe more advice to me yeah Oh, I would love this.

46:42No, not to give you advice, but I would like to get advice. Oh, okay. I just feel like you've kind of got it figured out in some sort of cosmic way. Do you have any advice? Well, I would disagree only on his clothing choices. I don't always agree with. Flula today is dressed. What are you wearing? You're wearing a fleece that has, oh, and you have duct tape. Duct tape on your green pants. Yes, and these are like chroma key green. You could do green screen on them. Yeah, it's like you took a weatherman set I'm like a reverse Ichabod crane. Yeah. And then you've got a fanny pack that's very strange.

47:19Is that? Well, Conan, you will not remember this as you have gifted so many things to so many people, which is to include this. Did I get that for you? During the Comic Con of 2018, I joined you and we ate donuts and you gave me several fanny packs. That's very nice of me. It was. Thank you very much. And I very much appreciate this. I didn't even realize I gave that to you. You did. That's a nice one. I've never seen it, like a more elegant fanny pack. That's a nice one. You know, and I was going to say that's, because you have some bad fanny packs. I'm just going to be honest. Oh, very, yes.

47:50Like they have tigers on them and stuff. And that's actually quite tasteful and nice. This is very nice. Yes, I very much agree with you. And I'm very grateful to you, Conan, once more. Thank you. All right, you're being very formal about this. We didn't just sign a peace treaty. It's okay. Sorry, well, look. Okay. All right. I apologize. Conan. Yes. I'm wanting to make 60 minutes of ha-ha and I'm going to tour around the country. I would like one more piece of advice before you delete and format the hard drives of this podcast. Well, that wouldn't be me. That would be Gowerly. Gowerly, okay. This is one of my favorites.

48:23I think it's important for you to maybe get outside because you spend so much time working out that I don't think you're, you know, comedy is all about observations, you know? You look at Seinfeld. He walks around, you know, look at that guy what's he doing you know it's that kind of thing yeah you notice when you go you know what you want what you want to do is you want to notice things and say hey have you noticed when you know the other day i was over there you know buying a ice cream pop over at the ice cream store and then i noticed this don't you know hate it when they do blank and blank and then the audience is like oh my god he's just like me i don't think you can do that no because you don't go outside you're just inside working out listening to music from 1991 yeah i just like don't you hate it when they play songs from 1997 that's your opening bit well i'm attempting yeah you can't do um you can't do observational humor if you haven't gone outside your apartment observing if you're a strange german man uh and you're inside your apartment lifting weights and occasionally blowing into a horn.

49:31What? Oh, you meant, sorry, I didn't. Yeah. You're not going to be able to do good observational comedy. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so I will now go outside. We have plenty of the screens and just observe things and then say what I have observed to people who are sitting in chairs. Yeah, and try and make it like a joke. Don't just say, you know, I was, if you noticed when you go outside, you know, there's the parking meter and it actually, you put the money in two minutes, then you get... It's got to be a real observation. Oh, I thought, okay, that was... That was just describing what a parking meter does.

50:07And then you say you get it. No, don't say you get it. Don't say you get it. I'm very excited. Conan, I feel prepared. I see an intense outline of questions that you guys wanted to ask me. What else? I don't think we got to any of them. You know what's so funny? Usually I have notes here about things to talk about, but with you, I think that's a waste of time. I'm a slave man. So I threw the notes away. I do as well. Yes. What is there? I mean, it's ridiculous. Why would I look at notes to talk to Flula Borg? What is the purpose? Yeah. What is the purpose? What is the purpose? Yeah. You know? I agree.

50:40I don't know. We'll be right back after these massages. No, no. We're not getting massages. Do you ever get massages, by the way? I receive no. It's not a pleasure to me. It's not a pleasure to have your body rubbed? No, no. I like a light tickle as if a feather has perhaps, you know, again from Forrest Gump, and it lands on your leg. I like this. How many times have you watched Forrest Gump? 14 times last year. Oh, last year alone. The Forrest Gump soundtrack. Okay. Bow, bow, bow. You know it. Bow, bow, bow, bow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple hundred bucks. Sorry about that, everyone. Keep costing us money every time you sing a song.

51:16Do me a favor. Do not sing any Led Zeppelin. We can't afford that. Oh, so no cash. Okay, don't. Okay. Yep, sorry. All right. What are you doing tonight? Would you and I ever go out together, the two of us? Do you go outside and enjoy things in the evening? Well, that's an insulting question. Of course I do. Oh, it is a curiosity. Don't I look like a man of the world? Yes, of course. Don't I look like I get outside a lot? You are 6 '5", 6 '9", with the hair. Yes, of course. Okay, so yes, I go outside. I like to go to a restaurant occasionally. I would join you at restaurants. I would enjoy you outside in a place where clubbing is occurring or dancing or also staring.

51:48Okay. Do you like sushi? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I enjoy sushi. I enjoy other things also. Matt Gowley, do you enjoy sushi? I love sushi. I'm trying to incorporate everyone into this. Oh, thank you. I think we should go with everybody. Adam, do you like sushi? Adam, I like sushi. Eduardo? Don't care for it. You don't like it? Then it can't happen. Wow. If Eduardo, I mean, sorry, that's how I roll. If Eduardo can't be there, I need to bring everybody here. Just hates it. Unanimous. Really? You don't like sushi? I just, it's something about the texture. The texture's the best part. The texture's like butter.

52:21It's fantastic. Maybe I haven't had the right one. Is there one you recommend? Yes, it's beep.

52:29Fuck sushi? See you there. I love fuck sushi. Are you too? It's with a PH. Okay. It's right around the corner from Tunt Center.

52:39The Tunt Center for Humanitarian Causes. Yes, of course. It's just a wonderful, wonderful. Oh, you know what? I'm gonna make that my cause. You know, like please donate money to the Tunt Center. Tunt Center, yes. that's going to be mine. Wherever you want, I will be there. You'll be there for the, for Tunt Center? Yes, I will cut all those ribbons. Okay, there's going to be no ribbons at the Tunt Center. Why not? Just, yeah. Okay. That's, oh, that's my improv style. It's just when I don't have something to go. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I do it as well. Um, I hope you're not deported. I think you will be soon.

53:12Oh, it's a matter of just a few days. I honestly think when this hits, oh, the government's going to be on you immediately. Why is this man here? I wrote a techno song when I was first deported. So I will just write a second one. That's how you do it. Okay. And how do you keep getting back into the country? Because you've been deported several times. I know I may look as this, but I'm very flexible. I mean, I can... So you've just FedExed yourself into the country? Yeah, you FedEx, mainly DHL, though, just to be on brand.

53:40Do you have any projects that are coming up that I can promote? Do you have anything? I inadvertently forgot to remove the lens caps from an entire sitcom and recorded an entire season of this. It was called Flula Makes Five. And so now we've turned it into a podcast. I hired my cousin Heinz to run the cameras. He's an idiot. So we have eight episodes of a full length sitcom called Flula Makes Five. The premise is I am living in the basement of a house and a family of four does not read the fine print and purchase the house. so Flula makes five as Alf meets Mr. Belvedere okay that sounds what's the word dreadful it sounds dreadful oh dreadful you love Game of Thrones Ramsay Bolton yes oh he tortured Rick I guess he sure did that's where he did it that's where he did it why don't we say goodbye to Flula okay Flula bye bye I can't say it's been a pleasure I don't know what it's been but I do honestly love it when you walk through the door also you as well thank you for the deep hugs it's nice to meet everyone and hello Matt.

54:43Oh yeah, I get it. Very good. Maybe just a quick hello to America too. Hello America. Thank you very much for not deportating me. I look forward to several days inside your borders. Okay, very good. Full of Borg everyone. Bye-bye.

55:05Hey boss, do you want to take a voicemail or two? Well actually this is awkward. Yeah, I noticed something. Flula hasn't left. Usually when the interview's over Flula, you know, people... Mingo. Hang out. No, they have things to do. They're big stars. And they say, you know, I've got to go. Oh, no. You did this last time too. I don't know if you remember. Do you remember this? I've done this podcast before? You've done this podcast before and you didn't leave then either. Oh, wonderful. You must have something you've got to do right now. Not in this moment. In about two to three hours, I will need to urinate and then also have a snack.

55:46Do you schedule everything in your life? Yes, it's all on my timers. So you don't even go by bladder pressure for urine? No, I have a Pomodoro. Do you know the Pomodoro effect? No. You set a timer every 28 minutes and that's when you do a new thing. Oh, okay. What do you mean? Well, in 28 minutes, will we be finished at that moment? Yes, definitely. Then I will return to my automobile and then I will stare at the sky, aforementioned callback. Okay. Listen, I'm just saying that what you're doing right now is probably not great for your career. Did you get it though? Did you get it? No, I don't even listen to you anymore.

56:19I don't listen to you. I just look at your powerful mandibles and your fierce wolf-like eyes and listen to your voice. Thank you. Yeah. It sounds like a chocolate maker yelling at me. And what I'm trying to say is that it creates a good impression when I say, okay, thanks a lot for being here, President Obama. And then he has to get up and go because everyone imagines him having big things to do. Riding boos, et cetera. Thank you so much, Jane Fonda. And she gets up and she runs out because she's Jane Fonda. She has a lot to do. Yes. You, by sticking around. Yes. Like a fungus.

56:57you're um you're creating this this illusion and maybe it's not an illusion that you really have nothing to do no it's it's a illusion of staying power of consistency of always there can't stop won't stop you know 1960s celtics you know what i mean wow okay yes well we were all just thinking about the 1960s celtics so shout out to drew heinzen you know you're making my brother's very happy right now. Oh, nice. Yeah. Hey, Red Auerbach, huh? Oh, nice. Are they mass holes? Okay. Let's... Yes. I was recently taught this word. Okay. Yes, they are. They are mass holes, my brothers. Oh, nice. Great. Have you been to Boston?

57:35Yes. I've been to Boston. I've been to... Where are you from? It's just Boston. It's not Boston. Boston. Yeah. Did you like it there? I did like it very much. I enjoyed it. I like to... The fleet center was very enjoyable to see. And you are from Boston? Right outside Brookline, Massachusetts. Oh, I've heard that's the tant of Massachusetts. Is that correct? It's not the tant of Massachusetts. It's a lovely little town that's right on the Boston line. You can walk into Boston in seconds, or if you get in trouble, you can quickly leave Boston and get into Brookline. Oh, you can tiptoe out. I used to do that a lot when I'd get in trouble.

58:08Oh, cute. Yeah, back in the day. I was quite a naughty boy. I like it. What did you do? Oh, I'd stay late at the library. Oh. Yeah, and sometimes I'd take out a book and I'd turn it in a day late. Oh, overdue baby. Yeah. Every now and then I'd get a free sample of an ice cream that I didn't intend to buy in the first place. Oh, sneaky sucker small spoon. So yeah, I was a real wild man back in the day, but what is nice to have you here. Thank you. And awkward as well. Yeah, it's because no guest has ever been in the third act segment, and you somehow have done it twice, both times you were on. Right.

58:48I'm like that villain that was murdered in act two, but then maybe not murdered hard enough. Right. So then he's back. Yeah. Like a slasher that gets back up off the floor. Yes, yes. Sorry again. Yeah. So it's funny that we're bringing this up, and you're not even becoming self-conscious and leaving now. No, yeah. You're still sticking around. Why don't we try asking him to leave? Oh, if you just said this, I would leave. Yes, of course. Flula, I think you should go. Okay, great. Everyone, great to meet you. Bye-bye. Oh, I didn't really think he'd go. It was that simple. No, I didn't either. Oh, wow.

59:14He really is leaving. Wow, he's getting his... Wait, why is he getting separate shirts? Yeah, why does he... Oh, this is a sun shirt. Wait, you've asked a question? Yes. Oh, he's back. He's back. Shirts are important to cover your body because no matter how many creams you wipe on your face and arms, you can still receive sunburns. Okay. But you already have a shirt. Layers. Layers are for players. Oh, okay. Oh, that's long sleeve? Long sleeve. I see. And a hood. Oh, okay. It's a hood. Yes. A hoot is something else. No, hoot. Hood. Hood. Hood. Hood. Hood. Hood. Hood let the dogs out. Okay, don't.

59:49No, a hood did not let the dogs out. Oh. Okay. Where are you going? Okay. Well, now you have to stay because we were going to do something, but we don't have time to do that now, so you might as well stick around until the end. Oh, maybe we could take a voicemail from you. I would love it. Okay. Send in a voicemail. Hey, let's check. There's a voicemail, now I'm told, from a Flula Borg. Is that right? Yeah. Yes, that's correct. And he has a question for us. Let's talk to... Eduardo, play it for us. Hey, everyone. It's me, Fluleborg. How are you doing today? Okay, that doesn't seem like there's any other sound waves.

1:00:20That's a shitty voicemail. That is a terrible voicemail. Usually they ask a question. Let's see if Fluleborg left another one. Hey, everyone. It's my second message. Apologies for the first message, which was a question. I wanted to see how everyone is doing today and also tonight. And I will see... Oh, for God's sake! He didn't learn from the first voicemail! There's a third. Oh, there's a third. Let's check it out. Hello, Conan. It's me, Flula. I just wanted to confirm our recording of the podcast tomorrow at 1300 hours and to just confirm the payment, which is 13 biscuits. Do you have those?

1:00:54Okay. Yes, we'll give him biscuits. Hey, it's me. I'm still on. I forgot. I have one more question. Oh, he's still on. I can't believe I spoke. There was a long gap in that voicemail. And guess what? There's a gap every time I talk, which is weird. I just wanted to say everyone, bye-bye to you and have a very nice day. Do you get it? Is that the end of it? It is. And then what's so weird is that he's still here. No, he's still here. Fuller, I asked you to do a simple improv. What was it? Where you leave a voicemail that's like, oh, Conan, tell us what's your favorite pet, and it allows us to fill out the segment.

1:01:33But you couldn't even do that. Oh, sorry. No, no, it's too late. It's ridiculous. Hello, Conan. It's me, Flula. I would like to know what is your favorite pet so you can fill out the segment. I guess it would be my dog. I love my dog. I love that. You also have cats. So you play favorites? Yeah, I like dogs better. Flula, where do you come down on cats or dogs? I don't. On neither one, I pet them.

1:01:58Thank you, Flula. Thank you, Osweiler. Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Dliau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

1:02:39You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:03:05Thank you.