Gary Gulman

24:22Like, yeah. You've talked about, I can kind of relate to this. You have kind of an OCD about honesty. Right. And I had this too growing up, which is, it was very important to my mom that we all be thought of well. Yeah. One of the things I remembered is we'd all be gathered around Christmas, Thanksgiving, and we have company over or anytime company was coming and we got to sit in the dining room and people were sitting around, she'd say, and now, of course, we always say grace. And I'd say, we only do this when company's here. Oh, no. And she would say, that's not true. Oh, that's so good. But I mean, I just couldn't not.

25:00Yeah, the dishonesty, part of it is, I grew up always feeling God was watching me all the time just because of the, I just took everything everybody told me seriously so that I would act up in the house. I would stub my toe on the corner of a counter. That doesn't make sense. Not a counter, a cabinet. And my mother would say, see, God punished you. And I was like, oh my gosh. Instead of thinking, gosh, what a prick, I would think, oh, I better not act up. I used to think, doesn't God have other things to do? Hey, Goldman just got out of line. I'm giving the old stubberoo. Hey, what about that tsunami that just wiped out 3 ,000 people in Indian town?

25:43Oh, I was dealing with Goldman. And then I went to Hebrew school. I don't know if you went to Catholic school. I went to Hebrew school. Yeah. I was immediately asked to leave. No, I went to Catholic instruction actually with Brian Kiley. Oh, that's so interesting. So I would go to Hebrew school and they would say, well, this is a sin, adultery and coveting, being jealous and bearing false witness. And are there any others? Yes, leaving the finger paints out. Is that also a sin that God will smite you for? But playing with clay without permission, that's another one that God punished me for. Yeah, it was just the things I was learning in Hebrew school were not matching up with the little I had learned at home.

26:28Am I correct that there's probably really not much difference between if you're a kid, Hebrew instruction, and if you're a kid, Catholic instruction, meaning they're both leaning on guilt, beware, watch out, someone's watching. Because that was my experience. And then the few times that, well, actually I grew up in Brookline, more of my friends were Jewish than were Irish Catholics. And I would sense that, wait a minute, this is supposed to be a completely alien religion. This is all sounding pretty familiar to me. Totally. I went to a Catholic college. I went to Boston College and I befriended some Jesuit priests and they would say, yeah, there's a lot of intersection in our liturgy.

27:09Not so much the words as much as the ideas and where the stresses are, which is on a very angry, judgmental God.

27:22But as a lot of fathers do when they have a son late in life, they mellow. And that's where I see Protestantism. It's sort of a mellow God, not as likely to smite after having Jesus. Yeah, the Protestants have a... It's a God that's like wearing loafers and dockers. And he's... Pete Holmes. Yeah, it's Pete Holmes. It's Pete Holmes' God. as opposed to like Bill Burr is the Catholic God. I like figuring out religion just using standups. Oh my gosh. Specifically Northeastern standups. You know what I mean? Yeah. Now I'm trying to figure out who would be the Jewish comedian God. It wouldn't be Crystal.

28:09It wouldn't be - No, too light. He would have Fiverr Schwinkel's voice. Louis Black. I just got it. It's Louis Black because he'd be saying things like, Do I get this straight? Let me understand something. You, a post office wants me to spend money on a stamp and then I spend money on the stamp. You know, that kind of thing. Wow, that's good. You know what I used to do? The Morans and the Sodomites are having blow jobs. Yeah. You know what I used to do? I used to do a Lewis, I like Lewis Black. I love him. But I used to do a Lewis Black impression where he's getting, because his whole thing was getting worked up over something that's kind of small.

28:48And I used to do a Louis Black impression about things where he's worked up about something you should be worked up about. So I'd be like, have you heard about this thing called chitnapping? Someone takes a child. They take a child who is the only son or daughter of these loving parents and they take them away. And they say, you'll only see them alive again If we get money! And it would really make me laugh, because I'd be like, uh-huh, yeah. Just him getting mad about stuff he should get mad about. Kylie used to always tell me, he would say, you have no idea how funny the meetings are in Conan's office.

29:33And initially I was skeptical. I thought... You said, Conan's not that funny. How can he be funny in a meeting? I said, yeah, everybody's going to laugh at their boss, right? And then I started listening to the podcast, but also you would tell me the stories that, the bits you would do, which was one of my favorites, was the dirty Brian Kiley. I would do, yeah. I would do Brian, it's called Brian Kiley at the Apollo. Now, Brian Kiley, again, as you know, tells really clean jokes. Yes. And he wears creased chinos and a blue. And schmaltzless. Puts nothing on it. The jokes are just, I mean, I can't even.

30:12They're just perfect. You could read them, they're beautiful, but also his character. Perfect jokes. So mild-mannered. But Kylie, and he'd stand up there, and he's very Catholic, and he tells these wonderful jokes, and he always is doing this with his hands. He doesn't move his body, really, at all when he's up on stage. Yeah. And so I started doing Kylie at the Apollo, where he's up there, and he's like, Hi, everybody. Good to see you. I'm Brian Kylie. And the other day, I'm going down on this bitch. and I'm so I'm eating I'm eating her out and then and he's still the same manner as him and then I I work my way you know down to her to her asshole you know and I start start licking out her asshole and then I'm like bitch you gotta wash your ass and he's killing murdering but then he goes backstage kills and he goes, well, that's my time.

31:13Thank you. And then he goes backstage and I would always have him sit in a little iron chair and read a Truman biography quietly. And then someone would come and go, get out there again. They want more of you. And he'd be like, oh, okay. And he closed it and he'd go back out there and go, the other day I'm whipping this guy with a, like whatever. It's weird to hear you even talk like that. I know, I know. But the thing is when I'm channeling Kylie, the whole rule was none of this helps the show. None of this can be on the show. None of it can help the show. It's just funnier because I know who Brian Kiley is and I hope people go and look at his comedy online.

31:53Go look at Brian Kiley. How much of a, just how different it is what you're saying. I took a shit the other day. I hate all of this. Why? I mean, I love it, but imagine Kiley do it. It's just, it's crazy. because he is the most, I think he might be the most straight-laced person I've ever met in my life. Yeah. And just now I have the mental image of him doing it. Also, you know what I always do? I'd always add him driving home in a very small, sensible square car and then going home and pulling the blanket up to his chin to go to sleep. And then the phone rings. With a nightcap. With a nightcap.

32:28And then the phone rings and it's the club going, they're screaming for you, they want more. And so he gets out, puts on his blazer, gets back in his little car, goes back there and then goes out and becomes this other person. Yeah, I picture him with a pipe carousel. Yeah, probably. And the other thing is that he's the person who reads the most long books, like Robert Caro, those LBJ books. Well, not the person, one of the people. He and I have that same affliction. Oh, I didn't realize that. That was one of the questions I was going to ask. Did you like that Robert Caro documentary? Have you seen that?

33:06I'm in it. oh yes, you fucker. I'm sorry. I got confused because you were also in the... You thought that was Dennis Leary going on and on about Caro? I'm in documentaries I shouldn't be in about like sex trafficking in Sweden. And they just... Oh, I think you should be in that one. Well, I was cleared. I took notes today on things I should bring up. The fact that Rupert Murdoch gave us two of the most important comedy things in history, like the same summer, Simpsons and Get a Life. I was like, this man has done really nothing for the world. But then these two really important things that brought so much joy and helped me get through all these things that he caused.

33:53And you should just for a second, because there are going to be people listening or young people that don't know what Get a Life is. Oh, yeah. He had this show that was short-lived, of course, because it was so good and so it's time. but it was on maybe 30 episodes on Fox called Get a Life. And he played Chris Peterson. Yes. Who was a 30 year old paper boy who lived at home with his parents. Yeah. But was arrogant. Yes. Arrogant. A little bit nuts. Believed in themselves. Got laid all the time. It was very forward with women. Also it got very. And so beautifully written in like Odenkirk wrote on it.

34:26Odenkirk wrote on it. Charlie Kaufman. Yeah. And then as the series later on, and they started having him die at the end of every episode, but then not explaining why he was back. Yes. And I just always remember as a comedy fan, when people do that, I'm just, yay. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Thank you for not trying to - His dad played his dad, but unlike every other dad in a sitcom, his dad hated him and was rooting for his demise. And yeah, it was incredible. There's a couple of things that I want to make sure I talk to you about. your obsession with comedy or your interest in comedy goes way back to when you were a kid, and you got to do something that I dreamed of doing but never got to do, which is you got to go to a live taping of Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.

35:09Oh, yeah. And that's something I never experienced. Can you tell me what that was like? Yes. I was 13. I had just been bar mitzvahed, and my brother Max had gone to spring break and been bumped three times. And back then in the 19... From the audience. No, I'm sorry. that made it sound like my brother max was a guest on on the tonight show with carson no he'd been bumped by the airline oh i see okay flying on spring break and and so he had gotten these these uh tickets they were they i don't know if they were round trip but they afforded my mother and i to go to los angeles my brother couldn't use them because he was starting a job in florida so he gave them to us we used them to go to los angeles stayed with my cousin dela we waited in line and got tickets to get into the but i was 13 you had to be 16 to get into a live taping but i was already 5 11 almost six feet right and so my mother said he's 16 and then i got in and um i said oh my god we made it and then an usher said excuse me how old are you and my mother got right in her face and she said do you think i would take a a child into something as important as the tonight show with johnny carson and my mother i mean the lying god God bless her.

36:25She really got it. I want your job. Be great if she got her, got that kid fired and ruined her life. She was so convincing. I felt like I was 16 and I was, I had just turned 13 and anyhow, it couldn't have been a better, first of all, Johnny did the monologue and he screwed up one of the lines and retook it. And then when they went to break, he said, I really blew the shit out of that joke. And I said, oh my gosh, he swore. Yeah. And you didn't hear Johnny Carson ever swear. But I talked to Robert Smigel told me that he went to a taping of Johnny Carson and Johnny Carson, when he knew it wouldn't because it was pre-taped.

36:59Yeah. Said shit in front of the crowd and they went wild. Wow. Back then, the idea of someone that you knew on TV that intimately saying the word shit was impossible. Yes. And so that must have been electrifying. It was electrifying. And then the guest was Carrie Fisher and Gary Shannon. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, so Princess Leia at her Leia-ist. And Gary at his Shandling-ist. Oh my gosh. And then this comedian who I only knew from the Tonight Show. And he was so funny. And then he did this bit with, it wasn't a bit I guess, but it came off as a bit with Carrie Fisher where he says, I know your parents, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher.

37:42Do you know my parents, Irv and Muriel Shandling? And I was in love. I was like, here's this guy who's Jewish, neurotic, and miserable, yet he's flirting with Carrie Fisher. And that was the thing that I always found so interesting about comedians. They really had nothing to speak of in terms of being attractive to women. But they had all this confidence in it. And it just really captured me at a very young age. I was like, that is the only way I'm ever going to get married is if I'm super funny like Shandling or somebody like that. All kids throughout history take an inventory early on. When I found out that I could make people laugh, thinking, all right, I've got this.

38:25I'm going to develop the fuck I need. Yes. I'm going to... Yes. Mostly being interested in, I want that girl to like me. And then the big barrier is she's laughing really hard, but I see her going to the dance with that other guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has no comedy, but he has a developed body. Yeah. Who needs that? Yeah. My shallow chest should be enough for anyone. My wasted legs. What's wrong with these? My 19th century cough. The little bits of pink foam from dissolving lung. What's wrong with that? Why are you saying those things though? My dad took care of everyone but me. A brilliant scientist who never noticed that I was dying of consumption.

39:19You were the control experiment. I was the control experiment. I think consumption is my favorite old-timey disease because a lot of people will go tuberculosis, but the people who are familiar go consumption. Consumption. Also, it's true. You and I speak the exact same language. I like that people used to have stuff called the flux. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they'd call you a lunger. Yeah, lunger. If you had a lung, if you had consumption, they call you a lunger. Yeah. But also I love that when you got sick back then, they would apply a poultice. They would apply a mustard poultice to your chest, which basically means, you know, just covering your chest with mustard.

39:59Vapo rub. Yeah, exactly. But they did it for like someone would get shot in the head. I believe when Lincoln was dying of a bullet, the size of an Oreo cookie in his brain, they were like, apply a poultice. A mustard poultice will save the president. Did it work? Kind of. Because when he died, he smelled like a hot dog. And people weren't quite as sad. I'm sure there were other poultices. There was the mustard. I always hear about mustard. The remoulade poultice.

40:42The tapenade pulled us. That way he doesn't pull through, but we have a dip. We have a dipping sauce. No, at the end, after Lincoln died, everyone sat around and they were very sad. And Seward said, now he belongs to the ages. And then somehow someone produced a bag of tortilla chips and they just started dipping into his, this stuff. Little salsa. They all just start crunching. Oh my God. Mary Lincoln comes in, what are you doing? Well, we can't let this go to waste. The coffin isn't here yet. I want to make sure I mention your book too. You've been busy. You have a new memoir. I didn't want to be a Schnorer, which is a Yiddish term.

41:25I learned that word from Groucho Marx. Okay. Yeah, he used to sing a song about being, I'm not a Schnorer, which I think was, Oh, really? Yeah, Captain Spalding, I think has the word Schnorer in it. My name is Captain Spalding, the African explorer. I'm no schnorrer. Hooray, hooray, hooray. Oh, I love that. And I remember as a kid as being a huge fan of the Marx Brothers and thinking, schnorrer, what's schnorrer? And then someone explained it to me. Oh, that's a great feeling for a Jewish person who knows some Yiddish to explain it to somebody because when you show interest, we get very excited.

41:59Yeah. So Misfit, Growing Up Awkward in the 80s is your memoir. Yes. And was this cathartic for you? Because you've famously, you've talked about it a lot. And I think, you know, people say, oh, it's brave. And I think it's like, well, it's great that you talk about your struggles with mental health. And I applaud that, but it's that you do it with so much empathy and you do it so intelligently and you're funny about it. Oh, thanks. And I think that is a, man, that's a bomb. That's worth all the Prozac in the world, you know? I mean, And it was something that I aspired to over the years to finally get to a point where I was far enough away from it.

42:42And also that it was sort of a success story of I overcame this. Because in the midst of it, I wasn't able to write about it. And also my brain wasn't working well enough and I didn't have enough confidence. But I was so elated and grateful to be on the other side of my depression. which I received ECT about four months before I did that, that abbreviating the states thing. Really? Yeah. ECT just to be - Yeah, the electroconvulsive therapy. I was inpatient in Weill Cornell Hospital, New York Presbyterian in Manhattan. And you said one of the patients actually recognized - Recognized me from TV.

43:23And yeah, he said, am I crazy? You can - Gary Goldman, which is, I mean, you can write an entire act. apparently both you are crazy but I'm getting that from context yeah exactly but it's not because you think I'm Gary Goleman although I would say maybe shoot higher for who you're imagining you can imagine anybody so many people to aim for yeah so anyhow I was so grateful and I wanted to tell the story because I wanted to share that there's hope because that that was one thing my doctor and my wife never gave up on me but i gave up on myself many many times i kept going through the motions and trying new medicine and and treatments and ect finally was the thing that worked in the hospitalization and it and it and it got me to a level that i had never experienced in my life i had spent my entire life sort of working at 70 75 sometimes 80 if i could get some momentum and then it had kind of a cycle where i would be productive for nine months and then I would fall apart and have to start all over again.

44:31So it was very frustrating. But since I have been, I guess I would say in remission, that was probably October of 2017, I've had the most joy and experienced life in a way without the heaviness and the fatigue that accompanied a lot of my depressive episodes. So I'm so grateful. So I was happy to share this story so that it would give some people hope because what I didn't realize is that people thought I used to think when somebody famous would would either commit suicide or or come out about being depressed I would say well why would that person be depressed and I didn't realize that I could be that for some people that some people would say oh if he can get depressed and then it's not it's not a matter of accomplishing something it's a matter of chemistry yeah and And that's the thing that's very hard for people to understand because the same thing you're trying to work with is telling you this isn't chemistry.

45:27It's you. You're lazy. You're dumb. You're untalented. So it was important that I was able to get that story out. I'm guilty of the same thing when I was a kid or even well into my teens and 20s when I would hear about a brilliant author or just a performer I loved or anyone getting really depressed. And I would think, but I don't understand. Yeah. Elvis? Yeah. Why would Elvis be depressed? Yeah. Why would anyone who has that be depressed? And then as you go through life, you realize that material things, success are getting recognized. It's nice, but it is really true that it doesn't have anything to do with your brain chemistry.

46:13And sometimes it can exacerbate it and make it feel worse. Like, oh my God, I have this. This was supposed to be the thing that made me feel good about myself. Yeah. So many people get into comedy or get into this business because they think once I get that and everyone knows who I am and I'm driving a car that looks like that, then all my problems will be over. And when it doesn't happen, rage. Painful. Rage. Yeah. And I'm talking about myself. Mage mostly that the car isn't nicer. Oh. Well, okay. I mean, come on. Tesla's nice, but I want a Bugatti. And I never got one! And that fucking sled!

46:57Sprawled out, but it's not mine! Did the toboggan have a name? Yeah, exactly. When I die, I'm just gonna say toboggan. I'll be like, all these reporters will be scattered. Yeah, toboggan. Yeah, whatever, glide right.

47:15You are, well, I'll just say it again. And pleasure to know you. Oh, that's so nice to hear. I feel the same way. You've brought me so much joy. I really admire you because you're such a highly intelligent and empathetic comedian. And you do such beautiful work. You've been through a lot, which makes me sad. But also, you've come through the other side. And you're very honest about it. I think it's going to help a lot of people. But mostly, if I didn't know any of this, I watch these specials. I watch your comedy. Every time I've seen you perform, I think, man, that guy is so gifted. He thinks so differently than everyone else.

47:53And everything is so crafted and beautifully done, the work that goes into it. So thank you. What you do is, as they always say, a mitzvah. I'm pinching myself because that means so much to me. But also, and this was one of the things I wanted to mention, just the exposure you gave me on that show all those times. I mean, it changed my life and it gave me a touring career. So I'm so grateful for what you've brought to me, even before I was on the show, just the joy in knowing that, oh, there are other people who find this funny. And I thought it was just me. Well, we found each other. Yeah. And now we're two gangly depressed guys from Massachusetts who know each other.

48:35Who love to read. Who love to read. Yay, us. There aren't enough. Hey, Gary, God bless. Thank you. And we'll see you again.

48:52we haven't done a state of the podcast in a while and i think it's important for the state of the podcast that we do a state of the podcast i'd be convinced if you had just said state of the podcast one more time but i agree i think we should take stock you know how are we doing and i think also self-criticism is very valuable uh it's good for us to really kick the tires on this and make sure that we're living up to people's expectations. How do we proceed? Well, as we always do, we bring in Adam Sachs. He runs this place. He makes it happen. He makes it work. He does the dance that keeps the floor thumping.

49:25Yeah. So, Adam. Awful. Where are we? Awful. Awful monologue. Wasn't it? Wow. Yeah. So, State of the Podcast, I brought some notes with me. We are five years in. It's five years now. November 19th, 2018 was our first episode, the release of our first episode, Will Ferrell. So, we are five years in. over 400 episodes. Wow. Are we over 400 episodes? I believe that's right if we count the fan episodes on our interview. Which we do. Those are important. Yeah. So over 400 episodes and we're actually seeing growth still, which is pretty amazing. Still seeing growth? Yes. So people have been listening to this and more people are still showing up.

50:01More people are showing up. And because the catalog is so evergreen, you know, the episodes that we recorded five years ago still hold up. people show up and then they go back and they listen to the back catalog. So on a given month, we get 40 % of our listens happening on old episodes. People are telling friends, but in a good way. Yeah, in a good way. That's my first experience with that in show business. My previous career was you got to check this guy out. They warning people. Yeah. So that you don't accidentally stumble on him. You need to know. No, but that's I mean, all kidding aside, that's very exciting.

50:38I will say that we made this decision to try and and it's also just naturally the kind of comedy I like, but we're not always talking about the day's events. And in fact, anytime a guest starts to say, isn't it funny that today in the news, I I reach over the table and slap them. Yeah, there's also we're we're still getting like crazy, amazing guests that are coming on for the first time. Even recently, we've had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, Steve Martin, Sir Paul McCartney, Kelly Clarkson. You know what was great? Schwarzenegger, we didn't even invite him. And we tried to keep him out of the building.

51:13He's like, I'm coming in. You know what I'm saying? And we remember. And I said, no, no, we're here. We're talking to Ted Danson. He's like, it's the house. It's going to be me. And he smashed his way through. Yeah. Incredible. Did you need more from me? no you're giving me what you always give me you know i just have so much to add to this well okay so the and the other thing i wanted to bring up which is interesting is the industry has evolved if we look back five years you know if you think about the advertisers we had at the beginning it was mostly what are called direct response advertisers dr advertisers where oftentimes they're like digital advertisers uh you know fracture prints was a good remember the back scratcher yes and they have an offer code right offer code conan or you go to this specific url and that's how they know if the ad is working it's attribution so we've grown out of that now we still have plenty of them but we've we've got we've gotten into more brands big brands and that's and that's i think listen i i like that uh things are moving in the right direction but sometimes you're the victim of your success.

52:21And I will say I miss, I mean, Fracture, that was a great company. Do they still exist? Yes. No, no, no, they do. But you know, for Conan's 60th birthday, I got him a Fracture print. Can we just edit that so it's 40th? And anyway, We're at the same age. But you know, it's, you know, it's, thank you. No, it's fun being, well, I guess I'm 41 now. There's a thing that can happen sometimes in life where yes, you've had good fortune, but you miss that old little apartment you used to live in. Remember where the shower didn't quite work, but boy, did we have good times in that old little. And that's how I think of the fracture print ads.

53:01Well, it's funny you say that because the brand, so now we have a lot of brand advertisers. We have, you know, Miller Lite, Chevy, these big brands that don't have - And by the way, those are terrific products. They're fantastic. But brand advertisers, so direct response advertisers don't necessarily, they're not that sensitive about the content that they're advertising on. And they just, for the most part, care that the ad works. They want the ROI, the return on the investment. Do you ever just speak normally? I'm getting somewhere. Is this what it's like in the bedroom? But brand advertisers really care about associating with talent, right?

53:33And so what they have been doing more and more is brand safety analysis. And I actually brought some brand safety analysis for Colonel Brian Needs a Friend. Boy, you're fun at a holiday party. Here's my question, though, because he was on television for like 20 years before the podcast. that brand wasn't enough. Well, that's a good question. So you can see how we rank here. Thanks, Sona. This is funny. Okay. All right, so this is... I think this is mostly... Wait, what? What is this now? Can you take a second and explain what this is? This is our brand safety analysis that's done, I think, primarily by AI and transcription.

54:12So transcription is done on the podcast and then some algorithm decides how brand safe The show is. And this is real. This is real. These are real numbers. These are real ratings on the show. And so brand advertisers, when they're deciding whether they want to advertise on a specific podcast, will look at these ratings and decide if the show is safe for them to be associated with. Okay. All right. So medium, adult sexual explicit content. That seems low. That seems very low. It's only a four. We talk a lot about dicks and stuff. Oh, but down here, obscenity and profanity, it's in the red for 83 % and 71 % high risk.

54:48Yeah. So we're killing it with obscenity and profanity. Maybe this is just all our clinical talk whenever we say penis and vagina instead of cockaroo. Hate speech. Hate speech. 7 %? That's you. Acts of aggression. That's you. Oh, acts of aggression. That's you. I don't like, because there's no hate speech here, but there is me routinely trying to take a swat at somebody. You're also crime and violence because you say the word murder on a regular basis. That's true. Yeah, I mean, you're 11 % high risk. Wait a minute. military conflict. Do you want to just run down what the sheet says to give us kind of an overview?

55:21Well, adult and sexual explicit content, 4%. Alcohol, 2%. These are risks. High risk, 0%. Pursuitability. Crime and violence, 12%. Wow. Death or injury, 3%. Motively low. Remember one time we did a segment about robbing a bank and what would our masks be? Yes. Things like that are factored in. Okay. Death or injury, 3%. Epidemic, 3%. Hate speech and acts of aggression, 7%. That's a little high for me. Illegal drugs, 1%. We don't really talk about drugs a lot. Yeah, we do. Yeah, we do. Zona? But those aren't illegal. Zona does. They're not illegal. Everything you do is legal. Yeah, that's true.

55:55Obscenity and profanity, 83%. Wow. Jeez. Zuss. Christ. Fuck, that's a high number. Fuck. Tobacco, e-cigarettes, vaping, 0%. Well, now it's going to be in there, though. Will it factor this in? Oh, yeah, now it's going to be in there. Look at this. This is a category. Violation of human rights. Oh, that's just us working for you. Yeah, that's you. It's a violation of human rights to work here, and that's 1%. I don't understand military conflict. Yeah, what is military conflict? Well, we talk about World War II comes up quite a bit. The term Nazi will pop up every once in a while. I think it is like just talking about...

56:34World War II. Basically World War II facts, trivia. Stalin comes up a lot. But is this a concern that us discussing these things right now will bump these numbers up? I hadn't thought of it. And then next year when we do this again, it'll count. I think so. Boobies, boobies. Nazi. Vagina. But I think so the truth is like this is more. Sona made a really, really important point, which is like you were on TV for 28 years. Your brand is established. Yes. You had advertisers on that show. Yes, I did. So it was a brand safe show. You're a brand safe talent. This really is more done for talent that is maybe lesser known to, you know, advertisers when they're making the decision, if they want to advertise on a specific show.

57:13I see. But I did think that you would just find it interesting that we're being analyzed right now. What do you take away from this? I actually take away that there is a high sensitivity among advertisers now, higher than ever, it seems to be associated with brand safe content. So I think for us, we should just be monitoring your language, primarily everyone's language here. And thinking of these categories every time we go into an interview or do a segment. If I'm told not to do something, I just want to do it more. Adam, you're coming dangerously close to being the man censoring the artist here.

57:48Also, I don't think I use profanity. I mean, cockaroo, is that really profanity? I don't know.

57:58I love that answer. I love the way you said it. I don't know. Well, there was talk of gerbils is all kind of a hidden. Unless you really get into what it's all about. It's obscene and profane. I don't think this thing understands context either. Yeah. It doesn't understand context. So talk of gerbils is quite a lot. That could be a children's story. But it could be. Take gerbils and think Joseph gerbils and make it a Nazi thing. No, that's gerbils. Well, it's written in a transcript. It doesn't know. It does. It knows the difference. They're spelled completely differently. It's ridiculous. I think the state of the conflict.

58:33I think the state of the show. Oh, their numbers are going up on military conflict. I think the show is doing well. We are marching forward. We're like the allies pushing in to France. We're pushing forward. We're moving our way. We're penetrating that hole. We're having sex with the other army. Listen, don't ruin a good thing. I'm pleased. I feel I do nothing but say I have gratitude that we've been doing this for five years. I've been having a very good time. I love doing this with you people. I got to learn your names. But... So close. And I think we should maybe tone down the pee-pee-poo-poo a little bit.

59:18You got it, cock face. But I do want us to, you know, keep getting more and more brand friendly.

59:29I really do. I want to just keep chiseling away. I want to... But pee-pee and poo-poo is what we are. That's who we are as people. What a wonderful story this is. No, but that's just who we are. I feel like you're telling us to change ourselves. I'd like the Hallmark Channel to one day advertise with us. And I think to get that, and probably also Disneyland. So to get those kind of brands, those are the ones I really want. We need to really shape it up. I think we definitely need to check back in. We need to do quarterly state of the podcast and see the trend of the numbers. Can we do that? Yeah.

1:00:0583%. Yeah. That's high. It's red. 83 % obscenity and profanity. Let's get that number down and let's get violation of human rights way up. I don't know how, but we will. Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

1:00:48Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.