Grand Theft Rickshaw

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello! Oh, hi, Rusty. I'd like to apologize. Oh, hello, King Coco the Red. Yes! Podcast plunderer. Thank you. Freckle fiend. Freckle fiend. Unholy puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem. What the hell is going on? Lady Mosexian of Pasadena, Mother of Coyotes. I love this intro. Thank you very much. My girly, the wise ass.

0:41Hello, assorted minions and henchmen And Aaron the nerd What's up? Oh my god Who, who I have to know Who are you? Who are you? Identify yourself, sir, immediately I am Sir Rusty Rustamirani from Mumbai, India Oh my god, your name is Rusty And you live in Mumbai, India? Absolutely I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me. From one cartoon character come to life to another, I would expect. Rusty, I love you already. I really do. You seem like an amazing person. What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty.

1:26Rusty, tell us a little bit. And it's only 1.30 a.m. at night, you know. Sorry about that, Rusty. I'm not even caffeinated yet. I'm not even caffeinated. Can you believe that? Yeah, I don't want to see you on caffeine if this is you without caffeine. Exactly, yeah, yeah. Okay, let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Rusty. Sure, sure, sure. Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty. Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I am born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the U.S.

2:00since I was 13 to find a cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because, you know, I don't fall under the compassionate user program. So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that like helps my nerves to, you know, create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophy bit. and yeah and what is a kid can i ask you uh quickly so you have this uh you have this it's a progressive neurological disease and um and are you how do you get i could walk as a child and then i met with a bike accident at the age of nine i go figure like you know so yeah met with a bike accident and i've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years okay uh and i've like i've driven different wheelchairs like since then and i went to school here in mumbai and then i went went and studied english from a college here in mumbai i majored in english got my first degree in english and then i had this bug up my ass because i loved films and during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books and because i could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as i'm speaking with you guys here I used to only speak with the head nod and like speaking like this guy, like all every typical Indian, how we usually tend to talk.

3:33And so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me and like cinema and cinema. That is not meant for like a nine-year-old. Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff because that's the only book. Yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either. I'll be honest with you, Rasky. You know what? I'm very impressed though because - And I thought like all Americans spoke like Arnie. Yeah, exactly. You know, like so. So you're walking around Mumbai as a kid. And Sylvester Stallone. Four and seven years ago. Welcome to Mumbai. Yeah, exactly.

4:10Rusty, first of all, I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such... All pun intended, yes. But you have such a fantastic, I don't know, you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny. I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story. Like I'm like, I don't even have like those kind of stories. Like it's all my life. It's all about this wackadoo incidents that have been happening with me. Like, you know, it's like one crazy adventure after another. I mean, I can't see myself sitting at home and like, you know, moving about this shit.

4:48But I'd rather like, you know, joke about it and like, you know, crack a smile and like go on with life because it's hilarious to me. Like, you know, I don't know how some disabled folk can like, you know, just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life. And yeah, self-entitled pricks. But like, you know, me, I'm like different. So I like, you know, like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh. Like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes. So, yeah. I mean, you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty. And tell me, what's it like - Thank you, Sir Conan.

5:21What is it like to be someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai? What's that experience like? Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a - Like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode there. So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand? The small little rickshaw scooters? bombay is full of those so every rickshaw guy thinks i'm like some new competition in town so the moment i step out of my home either either and i'm a big guy i'm like almost like you know 56 inches across and i'm like six foot two so i'm on this chair and everybody thinks i'm just out for a ride the the the seriously creepy part about my disease is i don't look disabled like you know when i speak like this and when i'm like sitting with you guys here you would not even realize I can hardly function in terms of my motor skills and my ability to even transfer myself.

6:12But when I'm out there, from the local transportation buses to guys on the cows and the dogs, everybody chases me. Someone's trying to run me off the road. It's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that. So they're not because, you know, in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here about wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs. I'm sure you guys also know about this because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, like, you know, you know, the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the U.S.

6:53had to go through to get the kind of facilities that he got. Exactly. It was like such a, like, they actually went and like, you know, took over the town hall in San Francisco. You know, I wish I could do that, but nobody here would like even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So like, you know, that would be like a challenge. Right, right. Right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall. It doesn't sound like it would be receptive. Yeah, exactly. So if I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together, what would you want to do with me?

7:24What would we do together? The first thing I'd do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. And like, you know, we just, I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair. Hey, hey, hey. all over Mumbai. Hey, easy there, buddy. Easy. I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards like any person with like pale skin? Like, you know, you would be like the star attraction here. Like, you know, like I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like going over ramps like Evel Knievel. Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty.

7:59It sounds pretty good. You can't just say, behold the Conan. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have like an audience of 15 to 20 people. Like, you know, if I had charged them, I could have earned enough to like, you know, pay for some medicine for my disease. Like, you know, that's the first thing I would do. And the other thing I wanted to do is like, you know, I want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture, like crap, that's full of my like experiences. I want to start my own YouTube channel. Like, I've already, I've already trademarked a name called Wheelie Vision.

8:31Wheelie Vision. I don't think, Wheelie Vision. Yeah, it's a channel by the disabled, for the disabled, and it's got nothing to do with like side stories. It's all about one day dedicated to like, you know, doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do like a car review. This sounds like a fun, cool channel. And it sounds like you also have been nursing for a long time. It sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy, too. Oh, I mean, from everything from like a Key and Peele kind of like a skit comedy show with no holds barred. Like, you know, like two blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in Braille.

9:07so you get to learn new things as you're having sex. Okay, I'm writing these ideas down. Blind guys using condoms with Braille. Yep, and then, like, you know, somebody with, like, a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition, and the interpreter does the singing, but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because, you know, they're... So you're just sitting around thinking of this stuff. I think about me. I wake up at night thinking, what if it's the next zombie apocalypse? And I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie. I wouldn't be able to operate my wheelchair.

9:44Like, you know, I mean, I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and like, you know, going way over the limit and I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair. Like, you know, how does that work? Like, you know, so you're suggesting to be honest, like, you know, I go to like a pharmacy in the U.S. Here it's all over the counter prescription. And I go to a pharmacy in the US, the first thing they hand me is like a bottle full of pills. And it says, don't operate heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy machinery. Like, you know, what are you supposed to do? You know, it's shit like that.

10:13Like, you know, it's funny. I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way. You know, it gets them to normalize. You want them to laugh with the disabled. Yeah. Absolutely.

10:32I'm curious. You said that you're, you spend a lot of time. You obviously, you're very well versed in cinema. What about video games? Do you like video games? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on video games. Like, you know, like I said, if you are like on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do, though I like gave it a shot. But yeah, video games like were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing Pong with that big joystick thingy, you know, then moving on to like knockoffs. We didn't get like American game consoles. They have ripoffs of popular video games in India.

11:07They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. Like you get ripoffs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system like, you know, for some reason. Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto? There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from like the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans and they're put into the Indian version of the game. So every tan NPC player has made it into the Indian version of GTA.

11:41I think they just pulled this up. We've got a clip here. Oh, we just, Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a clip. This is the Indian version of Grand Theft Auto. And you see what I mean? There you go. Oh my God.

12:03Mario's in there. Oh, multiple Mario's. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening. That was insane looking. Give them new credit. It's still in the prototype stage. So that's it's still a pilot project. I hope that's the prototype. I've got some notes. You have notes? Not me. That was perfect. yeah yeah and so it all involves and so there it's all it mostly involves rickshaws yeah yeah grand theft auto it doesn't involve cars it involves rickshaws they haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet so yeah that's but it's still called grand theft auto no no no it's it's got some indian name yeah okay yeah it's a working title they still haven't figured out what to call it So you say you live with your mother and your father.

12:55Tell me what's, what's your relationship like with your dad? They are my, my caregivers, my best friends, like, you know, and they, yeah, I'm like on first name basis with them in that sense. Like, you know, they know everything about me and I know. Wow. Wow. Sounds like you, that's so cool that you know your parents. Yeah. They don't throw paneros at me, like, you know. Okay. All right. This is now world famous that my parents were throwing potatoes at each other. Yep. No, but like my dad is like, he's never given hope. He's now 72. And he always thinks that the cure right around the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker.

13:38Like, you know, like every. Wait, how is he a wingman slash cock blocker? I will tell you. I will tell you how, Mr. Kerman. my father thinks that every woman i meet is an ideal mate for me like you know like he couldn't do better than this like you know this is the one for him and so the moment i strike a conversation again i'll give you a movie reference you've seen the seventh seal with the god of death playing chess with that night right the german surrealist film matt you know about this right yeah my dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while i'm having a conversation i'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick.

14:19Like, you know, and I'm using like this very, very good. Oh yeah, that's a great line, Rusty. I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think.

14:32You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up? Yeah. I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already had a few too many and meets a very attractive woman who has shown some promise towards him. Yes. And my dad comes up and then he rattles off all the assets I own and how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and giving her as many kids as she wants. Oh, boy. Well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates.

15:09He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, he can become erect. It has happened. And then he would go back, he would retreat and the door would shut. It was like a little cuckoo clock. But he'd just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Erections are possible with the boy. And then, whoo! That was the cuckoo of you get an erection twice a day when the clock strikes. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow, well it sounds like we have similar fathers. They were built to embarrass us. Because, I mean, I wasn't, obviously I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles. And my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing.

15:52Absolutely. Yeah. Well, I think. Were you playing with your joystick when that happened? Oh. Rusty, please. Rusty. I was raised Catholic and we don't masturbate. Yeah. Let me see your palms. Okay. Rusty. There's hair growing. Rusty. Rusty, I don't know what to do with you, Rusty. I really don't. I think, but you know what I have to say? You've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least. But good Lord, you have made this such a joyous experience. You're really funny. You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time. And I applaud you. I really do. I think you're a really impressive person.

16:41And it's very cool to know you. It really is. It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years. And if I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side. And if I can make a few Americans cripple and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. I'm starting a startup called IncludeTrip.com. It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. That's interesting. That's a very cool idea. And also sounds like he could use a new wingman. Yes. Oh, and by the way, I'm not a great wingman. I'm not biased that way.

17:17Rusty, I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better than your father. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to. I'll take your word for it when you're around here. All right. I can prove it. Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you. It's such a pleasure. Yeah. Such a pleasure to talk to you. I made my day, my year, my decade since 1993 when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time. I always show up in porn. I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in than what they did. I guess they just typed in, I want to see a dick.

17:53And then I popped up. No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my God. He was, he was awesome. I think Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is. Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is. Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him. The late, the great, great Joel Goddard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's still alive. That line from the first Godfather. Preparation Edge by Preparation Edge, Raymond. Oh my God. He's a super fan. Yeah. Hey, Rusty. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm so glad that you found me.

18:31You were searching for porn, but you found Conan O 'Brien and that's the best way to find me. And thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan. Pleasure's all mine, Conan. Pleasure's all mine. Yeah. Well, I hope we... And you guys are awesome too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys. Like, you know, like you made it worth like pushing through the pandemic. Oh, thank you. You made it worth my while. And like, you know, yeah. I mean, I just put in this, like, you know, everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks, Like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once.

19:05And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Wow. Yeah. That's so cool. It was meant to be. So there you go. Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, be well, tell your father to knock it off and take good care of yourself. Long days, pleasant night, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty. Bye-bye. Lovely, lovely, lovely day. All right, guys. Take care. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

19:43Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.