Halle Berry

23:16Halle Berry:I'm on the bus. They're on the bus. I know what's happening. I get off. And sure enough, she gets off and two other girls get off. And then like three boys get off too. And I thought, that's interesting. Get off the bus. And sure enough, I'm walking home. Got my head held low. I know it's coming. I just don't know when the first thing, the first hit's coming. But I know it's coming. and out of nowhere, I just feel like on the top of my head, that's how tall she is, just like boom. And I like did like the wiggle down. Yeah, yeah. You're trying to do an accordion. Became half of myself. Hit the ground and when I was down there, she then ripped my shirt off.

23:55Halle Berry:And then I realized why the boys were there. They were going to see something. Ripped my shirt off and I just have my little breast buds out and the humiliation was so great. And I felt I could not do anything. I allowed this to happen to myself. I just knew it was going to come and I just accepted it. I didn't know the stripping of the clothes was coming, but it all was just so terrible. And they all continued, the boys included, then laughing and kicking me until I ended up in the sewer, which was like the open water that ran outside of our house. We were like a little country suburb. And there I was in the gutter as they ran off laughing.

24:31Halle Berry:And when I got out that day, that was the day that I said, no more. I am never going to accept that somebody's going to kick my ass. And I said, okay, well then let's do that. And that was the day I started fighting back. And I didn't fight back necessarily fight with fire. I decided I was going to control everything at the school, right? I was going to be, because part of the reason I was letting myself get beat up is because I didn't feel good enough. I didn't feel on par with these kids, right? I felt like somehow in some twisted way I deserved that or I didn't belong there. And I decided I'm going to be the class president.

25:03Halle Berry:I was going to be on the honor roll. I was going to be the head cheerleader. I was going to be the editor of the newspaper. Like I did all the things so that I could not be denied. And through that, little by little, respect grew for me. And I felt good about myself. And so therefore, I felt that from everybody else. And by the time I left that school, I felt like I was now running the shit. I was like in charge. And that's how I dealt with feeling less than and allowing myself to be beat up.

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28:22There are those forks in the road where, you know, that terrible experience you had, things can get worse after that or they can start to get better. Yes. And you made this decision, all right, things get better now.

28:33Halle Berry:Yep, yep. That's what's going to happen. Yep. And those are pivotal moments in one's life. Yeah. And it was my fifth grade teacher, Yvonne, who was there to help me come up with this strategy. She helped me realize how I could, you know, leaving the school wasn't an option. So it was how could I fight back without going to their level and using violence and figuring out how I was going to murder all these kids. It was more about how do you really fight back that really will benefit you as you grow, not just beat these kids. It's not about these kids, really. Well, also best revenge is success.

29:10Yes. Having an amazing life and being a superstar. Yes. I'll get there. Yeah. Oh, man. I'll show you all. I'm real pretty. You know, I was thinking your early foray into being seen is in beauty pageants. Yes. You know, and so it's interesting to me that, which you were very successful at, you know, and to have people looking at you that way.

29:46Halle Berry:Are you successful in beauty pageants? Were you not? I mean, you took that route, and then you're being seen that way, but you must have known, no, I've got this amazing tool set that isn't even being utilized in me just being in this pageant. Yeah. That's, you know, sometimes you kind of fall into something. You don't really know how you got there. That was kind of my story. I don't really know how I, well, my boyfriend at the time entered me in my very first one because he wanted to have a girlfriend who was a queen, a beauty queen. What the fuck? He just wanted that tiara. I want a tiara. So weird.

30:31You're expensive. Because does that make him the king, man, just by law? That's so weird. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. The queen console. That's a strange calculation. Yeah. Yeah. But.

30:42Halle Berry:So, of course, I show up. I get this letter in the mail that says one day you've been accepted to the Miss Teen Ohio pageant. I was like, well, really? How did I get in that? He's like, oh, I sent your high school picture. I sent it in for you. Oh, wow. Okay. That was a good thing. So, once you got in, I got in. And the thing about beauty pageants, when you win one, then you have to go to the next one. Like, there's always a step next, right? So, I went on a string of winning and every one I got into was just because I'd won the one before. Right. So, I had to go do the next one. And then you had to go to the next one.

31:10And then finally, I lost and it stopped. Yeah.

31:15Halle Berry:And I went on to my life. And you were never heard from again. I don't know who you are right now. But it was a good way to start. I mean, you know, I got to travel. I went to every state in this country, which was really good. And I had to find where the best Bananas Foster was in every state that I went in before internet. So that was a hard thing to do. Why? I had to find it. In each city, I had to find where they made the best Bananas Foster for our group. So I was very resourceful. Bananas Foster, does that have caramelized? Is it the one you light on fire? Yeah, you light it on fire. It's got bananas and brown sugar and rum and butter and cinnamon and vanilla.

31:58Halle Berry:And you put it over vanilla ice cream. You make a thing with the cooked bananas. We need to get that in here right now. Can we have that? Or just some rum. Screw the banana and shit. I want that rum. So then there's this leap I don't understand, which is you go from that experience to, and I know there's a lot that must happen in between, but Jungle Fever, Spike Lee, when does that, how does that happen? How does that happen? Well, I, because I came from beauty pageants, I, when I realized I was studying at Second City and one of my teachers there said, you know, you should be an actor. And I really did not say, really?

32:36Halle Berry:He said, yeah. Yeah. So when I got this chance to audition for Spike, it was to play his, you know, his girlfriend. And the thing was, you know, Pretty Girl is his wife. And I was like, OK, that got me in there. But when I got to meet Spike, I said, I know you want me to read that, but can I read the crack hole part? Can I read the other part? And he was like, no, I don't. You're not the crack hole. I said, I am the crack hole. I am the crack hole. You have no idea, Spike. I am the crack hole. Not crack. It's Bananas Foster. That's my crack. But it's still the same idea. So how did you convince him?

33:08Halle Berry:I just said, you know, I am really more than the pretty girl. I really, I want to show you that. Let me go. He goes, okay, go in the bathroom, wash all your stuff off, and maybe I can see you as the crack hoe. So I did that, and I came out, and then I got to audition for that part. And he was like, you are the crack hoe. Congratulations. Ultimate compliment. You won. You get the crack hoe. You know, I'm getting crack hoe right now. Congratulations. You cleaned a crack hoe. You know, that's like a journey. But I also knew if I was going to really be doing this thing seriously, I felt like I needed to come out of the gate being more than, speaking of boxes, I did not want to get put in that box.

33:51But I think if you look back at the trajectory you already had and what you had been dealing with, because you had had to fight all those battles, you're in a situation where most people are just thrilled to be in the Spike Lee movie. Do you know what I mean? And pretty girlfriend in the Spike Lee movie is just fine. Thank you. But to be in that situation, say, no, actually over there is where I think I need to be director, writer, director, auteur. her that it all comes from this it goes back to this same idea discomfort um a feeling of being unsettled as a kid i think that builds this this strength and where you're no i'm not going to do that i want i need to be over there even if maybe people around you are saying don't rock the boat

34:40Halle Berry:you know this is the part you could have yeah and i knew being a black woman you know it's the bottom it is really the bottom and you have nothing to lose only to gain by rocking the boat and demanding more and asking for more and being loud about it you have nothing to lose because you're already at the bottom and that's really how i felt yeah it's unbelievable that i'm going to skip ahead to Monsters Ball, for which you win an Oscar, and it's a historic Oscar. It is a seminal moment in film history, history. It's a big moment. When you see that part, do you think, this could be huge for me? Did that resonate with you?

35:30Or did you go into it thinking, oh, this is another part I can play, and I'm going to do it? And maybe it was hard to see how far this could go.

35:38Halle Berry:Yeah, I can't say I thought Oscar. I don't think anybody can think, oh, this is going to be an Oscar. I don't know if you think that. That's like insane. But I felt like this was either going to be one of the best things I ever did or it would end my career. But that's where I like to live on that edge of risk big, win big. I've known you cannot win big if you don't risk big. And if you don't even try, you're surely going to lose. So people around me said because at that time I hadn't done nudity and the sex scene was like a big like it had a big red light on it sex scene like it was such a big part of that movie that people close to me said you know this could really be you know this could hurt you this could really hurt you this could not be a good thing it was a little small movie no money it's like a little indie like it could be all for nothing right and i had the feeling that i i related to the character i wanted to play the part and i said if this ends my career then i'm ending my own career on my own beliefs right no you know it's what i wanted to do and if that's the case then then i i have a knowing then that's what it's meant to be and this this isn't for me then right i i have a knowing of that that if it ended it, then I'm in the wrong place.

36:57And it would be the universe showing me to move or where to go, right?

37:03Halle Berry:I didn't think that there could be a negative no matter how it turned out. Also, as you just said, you have that, I've got nothing to lose here. It's a great attitude. It's a great attitude, which you come by that the hard way. You come by it very honestly. But it's such a, you know, position of strength. Yeah. And when you really believe that, and I do, I can still sit here 30 years later at 60 this year, not afraid to do anything really, because I still feel that way. Yeah. I have nothing to lose. Nothing. And that is a really empowering feeling. And that has allowed me to try many different things over my career.

37:46Halle Berry:Didn't always win, but it didn't mean I lost. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Yeah. Yeah. but it didn't mean I lost. I'm still here. You know, and it's just like, okay, well, that didn't work. Let's try something. You know, it doesn't, nothing can level me. Right. When you're at the bottom. I say that to young people. You're already out down there. Yeah, I say that to young people all the time, which is I tell them you don't get dinged as much as you think you will be for failing. And in order to get it right, you need more shots on goal. Right. So you have to keep trying. Well, now you're getting into sports and I don't know what you're talking about.

38:22Halle Berry:I don't know either. I just know what that means. Someone help me here, Matt. Oh, forget it. No, not me. There's no one here. Oh, Edward. Great analogy. Come on, you know what shots on goal means. You need more chance, you have to keep trying. So there's a ball of some kind. Look, this interview is over. Completely lost me. Oh my God. You know, that moment, I still remember that moment when you won. And like I say, it was a historic win. The first, you know, it's so funny because I was writing notes. You know, like I write notes and I can't always read my own handwriting. I was writing them real fast and ideas and stuff.

39:02And then I wrote down on a piece of paper like yesterday when I was thinking about you coming. And what I wrote was supposed to say first black person to win best actress. And what I wrote was first woman to win best actress. And of course, I'm writing real fast and I just drop. And then this morning I'm looking it over and I'm like, wow, first woman to win best actress.

39:29Halle Berry:That's amazing. How did she pull that off? But, you know, it's so interesting because that was such an electric moment and so real because you really, I don't think, had thought that might happen. And you were. I'm sure I wasn't. Because back then the Golden Globe was the precursor and I didn't win the Golden Globe. so that was the night I knew well my chances are over this has been fun though this little movie that they thought could have leveled me got me this far it was done then one of my only memories of that night actually is Russell Crowe when I walked up to get my Oscar he saw that I had left the building and he just looked at me and he was like breathe mate just breathe mate you gotta breathe mate

40:16I was with him in a Lamaze class That is exactly how he sounds. That is, I mean.

40:23Halle Berry:And it woke me up to, I gotta breathe. Yeah, I gotta turn and I gotta talk to these people. You're a very spiritual person. And I've always known that about you whenever I talk to you. I mean, there is an aura around this woman. You have this, you're connected to something that cannot be explained. And I know that you've talked about having this life-changing experience in India. Were you like on a soul-searching mission when you went to India? And were you talking to a shaman? Were you talking to like a religious figure? What happened? How do you know about that? I've been following you. How do you know about this, Conan?

40:59You know that weird lady that you always see about nine feet behind you, scribbling in a notebook, first woman to win best actress?

41:13can you believe a woman won best actress you're not even accurate no um uh i i was just reading all this stuff about you and you had it said that you had this great life-changing moment in 2017 and 2017 and it sounded kind of fascinating like i know yeah i'm a skeptical person but i'm also in a weird way not a skeptical person and i'm very much interested when someone else has an

41:37Halle Berry:experience like that i want to know what happened okay well i yeah i was there on a on a on a thing and i decided to go to after we left mumbai i wanted to go to this wellness center in kerala so i did and there was a shaman there and he took me in my group we were there like the end of our week he took us all out to meditate like right on the edge of the ocean and you do it at like three o 'clock in the morning when all the high priestess and the buddhas are meditating it's the highest vibration right so we're out there at the edge of the ocean we're on our mats i have like four people with me.

42:06Halle Berry:We start. He said it's going to be a long meditation. Like we're going to go three, four hours into it. So we're in it. We're in it. I'm going to be about an hour in. I'm still in it, but I just kind of kind of look around. All my people are like. They're no longer. Are these friends of yours or is it like agent, manager, accountant? No, no. They're friends of mine. I'm just picturing me bringing Rick and Gavin. Oh my God. You know, Michael Carlin, all these guys in suits. All right, everybody. Let's get in the Lotus position. They're on their phones. But anyway, so these are friends. They're friends.

42:43And they're not having it. They're out.

42:44Halle Berry:They're like, it's too damn early. They're sleeping. But I'm still in this meditation. So finally, he comes to me and he says, for the last hour, I want you to put your eyes at, you know, like 20 percent just so you can kind of see. But, you know, stay in your meditation. So he keeps guiding me and talking. So all of a sudden he starts to walk in front of me and he walks to the edge of the ocean and I sort of see him out there but I'm in my my state and I'm meditating doing what I'm doing and I look and I see that there's a shadowy figure that comes to him and I'm thinking where did that come from it looked like it came out of the ocean but I'm thinking while I'm in the meditation well how could that be like what would come out of the oceans an alien like what what am I seeing here so it stays out there for a while and about 20 minutes later, he starts to walk back towards me.

43:33Halle Berry:And that person or that figure just kind of goes away. And I thought, now, what the hell is that? Who was that, right? So when the meditation is over, he says, so, you know, what happened? And I said to him what I just saw. And he said, oh, yes, it's what I thought. Come with me. So he takes me into a little room and he said, you know what just happened out there? I said, no idea. Where did that man or that person or where that thing come from? And he said, that was your third eye opening. You saw my aura. He said, was it black? I said, yep. He said, that was my aura. You now are in the club of your third eye opening.

44:11Halle Berry:And there's a good, there's positive, and there's a negative to this third eye. You're going to see so many things you couldn't imagine you would see. You're going to understand things instantly in a way you never used to before. But the bad part is, the negative is, you're going to have to act on it. And that's going to get you in a lot of trouble. That's going to make you unpopular. It's going to have you have a really hard time in relationships with people. A lot of them will come and go as a result because you will no longer be able to be silent when you know something or you see something or you feel something.

44:48Halle Berry:And I said, even if I try not to say anything, He said, you will see, you will not. You will not be able to be quiet. And Conan, that is the thing that has happened since that time. I can no longer be quiet. And people have come and gone as a result. I have ended relationships as a result, like seemingly out of nowhere, because I saw the truth of the situation, right? And there's sometimes when I see the good in a situation and I go down a path and I embrace something that everybody's like, what? You're doing that? I'm like, I see it. This is going to be great for me. I see it. And it turns out to be great.

45:28Halle Berry:So I've learned to trust that this third eye, this thing I have, it's real and I got it. And I just trust it now. When someone leaves or I tell someone, you know, this is done, or I stand up for myself, or I switch my management, change whatever I'm changing, I now have a knowing that there's this other force, that there's this eye that I'm seeing clearly for myself. I can't see for you or anyone, but I can see clearly for myself. And I let it guide me. Well, this is why I ghosted you. Because I realized you had that third eye and I couldn't handle it. No, you don't want to ghost me, Conan. Now I'm terrified that I did ghost you.

46:13Halle Berry:You don't want to ghost me. But it's... You don't want to ghost me. This is something that I've come to realize at my age, and I'm a bit older than you, but I like it now. I just realize we have this culture that just glorifies being young, and being young was great, but I just feel like things make more sense to me now, and I know myself now. And I feel like a little bit, that's what you're describing. I can't say I've had that profound a conversion, but I've had a subtler feeling of, yeah, there's some aches and pains now when I do my weird comedy moves. But I enjoy this period now more than the intensity and, I don't know, kind of sometimes maniacal misdirection of 20s, 30s, 40s.

47:15This feels it's a calmer place to be.

47:19Halle Berry:Mm-hmm. I describe it by saying I have zero fucks to give anymore about things and what people think or how they feel about the choices I make or what I'm doing or how I'm doing my life, you know. And that is a really empowered place to be able to say, hey, I know you don't care that much about me anyway, so why do I give so much energy to what you're thinking about me or making choices that satisfy you or make you happy? Like, you know, that's a really good place. And I can't say I was always there. I've been the dancing bear and I've been trying to make everybody love me and like me and, you know, fit in.

47:57Halle Berry:And it's really that that's exhausting when you go through life that way. Yeah. And also this profession. Yeah. Is it is a profession. And it's about how much am I being liked at this moment versus that other moment versus the next moment. And it can get in your head. Yeah. And when you can really not care. like really don't just say you don't care when you can really not care that is like a really powerful place to be I can't say I have zero fucks to give I have like three fucks to give okay what are your fucks I want to know what Conan's fucks are I mean I believe I can have sex three more times in your life in my life yeah I mean I've been to a doctor and he said I think he got three left and he did measurements and things and he said there's three left here Oh, no.

48:47Yeah, no, it's true. I said, can I get a new cartridge? And they're like, no. You are out of ink. So I'm being very careful with how I use them. God. I'm sorry. I haven't seen Conan in a while and I now know why. Yes, you read your aura. Yeah, you read my aura. I'm like, what made you come into this? I know. Let's talk about Crime 101. You made this film with Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo. These are fantastic people, I would think, to work with. Oh, my God.

49:21Halle Berry:Fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah. And it just sounds like a really fun movie. It really does sound fun. It's very adult, too. You know? I think we sometimes, I've got two kids, so I search to find adult-themed movies. Yeah. You know, I've had two decades of cartoons and animated movies. And it's really nice to be a part of making a real adult, sort of a throwback of heat and like very. It's kind of got a gritty L.A. Gritty L.A. It's like a love letter to L.A. We never get to shoot in L.A. I'm so happy working here. Well, that's go to work and come home like normal. That's no small thing. No, it's huge.

50:01To shoot in Los Angeles because everybody is now, you know, they're in like whatever. They're in Greenland and they pretend that it's I mean, they will be once we own it. but they're in there and I'm looking into it. You're going to buy it. We're going to move our, once we conquer Greenland, I'm moving the podcast studio there. You're going to love it. Lots to eat. Lots to eat. Not a wide variety, but there's a lot of it. I've been there, you know, I did a show there. I did a show there. I know. Yeah. I went to Greenland when this, a couple of years ago. The first time. Yeah. The first time. Which is still very relevant.

50:39The first time our president was talking about Greenland. I went there to check it out and talk to a real estate agent and walked around and it's, you can see it all, uh, on one of our travel shows, but it was, uh, it was a profound experience. But, um, I was saying that most, you don't take it for granted because nobody shoots much in Los Angeles anymore. And so to shoot an LA movie about LA, and this sounds like a joke, but if someone shoots a movie, that's a love letter to LA, these days there's a 90 % chance they are shooting it in the Netherlands. Do you know what I mean? And then they just throw some palm trees in there.

51:15So it's amazing that you got to do that.

51:17Halle Berry:Really got to shoot it here. And it makes all the difference in the movie too. You feel like you're, you know, where you're supposed to be. Yeah. And I got to see my kids every night, which was, I'm about to go to France to work. I will not be seeing my kids every night. And that's always, you know, that's how it's what it's become, you know? Yeah. Can they go with you or it's just too hard for them? It's hard. You know, they're at the age, My daughter is about to be, she's 18 next month. Oh, yeah. She's going to college. She's got her own things to do. She's like, no, thank you, mom. Yeah. My son's 12.

51:47Halle Berry:He'll probably come because his dad's French. She speaks French, so he likes France. So he'll probably come for a little bit. When my kids turned 18, they said, we never want to see you again. This has been nice. It's been real. Way too many bits every day in the kitchen. My daughter's 22 and my son's 20. Oh, wow. So they're off in school and doing their own thing and constantly. And how did you feel? I'm dealing with my daughter leaving. How did you feel? Did you? I'm someone who can get very disconnected from how I feel, meaning I'm really good at sublimating things and pushing it down. So my daughter, when she left, because she was the first and she's like my little girl and then suddenly she's going off into the world.

52:32I had a hard time with it. And then I think I convinced myself that, well, that's my son. I won't feel my, you know, and I kind of spiraled when he left because I realized that I was in denial a little bit. And then it hit me hard.

52:50Halle Berry:And when she left, did she leave town? Yeah, yeah. They both went away to school. But my agent says they're doing very well. I can't talk to those kids. Impossible. humble uh no uh they're there it's it's tough it's a huge adjustment i mean you know you're going through this you know about to have uh a second child a daughter coming in a week oh my god you're starting yeah i know it's really late and sona has twins it's my second your second sona has twins they're young they're four they're like four and a half i mean they are four and a half i'm not yeah i don't know why i said it like that you're a strange person um but that's that's uh yeah you don't think and then when it happens it is very surreal it's very surreal and then when they call you and say yeah how did it happen like it doesn't it seems like just yesterday she was this little thing looking at me like i'm a jelly bean and now i'm just like

54:04Halle Berry:broccoli's good it's good for you good for you but like you know i know i'm good for her but it's it's it's it's it's hard it's hard to come to terms with like they're it's very hard it doesn't make any sense uh i to me the most surreal thing is when one of them says okay i'm going i'm gonna hop a plane hop a plane yeah no you know i'm gonna i'm gonna go grab the uh you know the delta flight and and go flying to another part of the country and i'm gonna then go do my own thing and i think well who's going with you you know is your mother going with you who will show attend to you to make sure that you get to the bathroom you know and it's i've just completely lost my mind.

54:46Halle Berry:Yeah. Well, because it's also, just because you turn 18, one day you're 17 and one day you're 18. So how much more do you know just because you turn 18? Right, right. You're the same. Right, right. So she's going to be 18 and she's like, well, I'm going to do all these things I want to do now because I'm 18, but you were just 17 the day before. Just because this little arbitrary click.

55:13That's a good point. Now I'm more terrified.

55:15Halle Berry:I know, I'm terrified. It's terrible talking to you. But you're past that part though. I'm past, I'm past. You're past, they're 21. No, you're never past. It's what, this goes back to the very beginning of the conversation. You said you never stop putting yourself out there. You never stop feeling like I need to grow. You never start, stop being a little afraid. That just doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. It's the good news and the bad news. And these things don't stop. I think if I get to live a really long time and I get to see my kids be in their 40s or 50s, I'll still be stunned that they're headed out the door to go do something and that we're not with them, making sure everything's okay.

56:00It's always going to be the way.

56:02Halle Berry:That doesn't go away. Yeah, I don't think so. Are you still having, like on this movie, Crime 101, you're working with these fantastic actors. Are you still in it having fun after everything you've been through, all these successes and everything? You still there enjoying it in it? I love it. Yeah, I still do. Sometimes I joke with my friends and think I go to work for a break. Because parenting is hard. It's hard work. And when I get to go do a movie, I just have to think about myself. I don't have to think about anybody's clothes, what they're eating, what they're doing, driving to a soccer game, picking them up.

56:42Halle Berry:My daughter goes to school all the way downtown. Like, it's a trek. It's an hour and a half almost each way. And you do that, you know, twice a day. You're looking at six hours out of your day, just school, driving, you know. So when I go to do a movie, it's like, it's just me time, right? I don't care if it's 16-hour days, six days a week. I'm just focusing on me, and that feels like a break. like, jurifying your choosing roles where your character's, like, taking a lot of bubble baths.

57:11Bubble bath and chocolates, the movie. I'll do it. It's really not a good script. There's no plot. There's no character development. I'll do it. That's what I would do. It's like Adam Sandler does that. Every movie, it's like, he's in Hawaii. He's at a great resort. Oh, and look, he's having a Sunday. well this has been an absolute delight you've lit up our whole building everyone's thrilled you're here and uh i adore you i think you're amazing you're just such a great honest cool person to talk to uh and i'm just so happy you could be here today i'm happy too and i legit

57:52Halle Berry:mean you have been always one of my very favorites every time i've gotten to come we've had we have We have so much fun. And it's been easy. And it has, you know, you don't always feel that from everybody. So I feel you just as genuine. Well, I'm crazy about you. So I'm just delighted you're here. Thank you. It's all good. I'm just very happy. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. You take care. Thank you. I'm going to ghost you again. I will. And if I see something, I'm telling you.

58:28Big news, Sona. Yeah? Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation? No way! Yep, they're making it easier to stay connected so you're free to wander. Well, that's really cool. And I love a national park, I really do. I do too. Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that, good signal. It's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah. So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff. And suddenly you don't have it because of a bad single.

59:00That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon. Oh, okay. Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again. You know? Good. So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch. Best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow, that's some sentence. T-Satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US. where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Service may be limited or unavailable. Included with experience beyond or$10 per month. Auto renews. Cancel any time. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand.

59:42Disclaimer. Please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon.

59:49FX is the Bear. The Emmy Award winning series returns for its final season. With no money, the threat of a sale, and a torrential storm in their way, the team bands together to achieve one last service. Can they finally earn that coveted Michelin star? FX is the Bear. The final season premieres June 25th on FX. All episodes streaming on Hulu.

1:00:17It's currently January, February, beginning of the year. earlier last year we never scheduled it it fell through the cracks but we were going to do a white elephant Christmas party suggested by Eduardo and I purchased something this is a year ago you purchased something well no last year okay in December and our what did we say our price was going to be 30 to 40 dollars yes I spent about a hundred dollars oh I just couldn't pass it up and I don't want to oversell it but I'd like to just bring it. Is it a gift for one of us? It would have been if we did the white elephant. You know what I mean?

1:00:58If I like this thing, can I have it? Well, let's just see. It's like a prop comic. Oh my God. Oh!

1:01:12Wow. Talk to me. What's happening right now? I don't think I need to say a thing. I think this says it all. Oh! Yeah. Well, if you're watching a video right now, then yes. But let me describe for anyone who's not, you've just put, basically they've turned a disco ball into a motorcycle helmet is what it looks like. Or vice versa, yeah. Yeah. I saw this and I just knew that this was the thing and I was just hoping it was in the price range. And it wasn't. And then I left and then I went back and got it. And then we canceled it. And I was stuck with this thing. but now I'm kind of glad that I have it.

1:01:51I love that you, so this is, there's so many things that are perfect about this. You bought this as kind of a gag for a jokey thing that then got canceled. It didn't happen. You now have what appears to be a disco ball on your head, but a complete with a strap with a little clicker so that you can strap it on.

1:02:09Halle Berry:It can't be street legal. Yeah, I think I would, yeah, because, yeah, of course. Anyone behind you with their brights on is going to be killed immediately by lasers. So no, you can't be driving that down the street. You said a store had this. Yeah, it was. Now it looks like something that you would buy on a site. It doesn't look like something that would exist in a store. No, not only that, but there are two of them and I seriously consider getting two of them so that when somebody got this and it went crazy in the white elephant, I could pull out a second one and go like, how much? You know? You thought we would all like want it and fight over it and stuff?

1:02:48Oh no, no. And then we would pay you like more than market value for it? I was gonna make a mint. So, tell me about the store.

1:03:00Sometimes Sona with - Wait, you see this thing out with your jacket? Oh my God. Oh, this jacket's too cool, bitch. No, you wear that. Matt, talk to us about the store where you bought this. I'm picturing, you know, in the 40-year-old virgin when they go into a store that just sells stuff from eBay? Yeah. And who is it who wants to buy? Jonah Hill wants to buy those high-heeled platform shoes that have a goldfish in them. I'm picturing it's that kind of store. It was a vintage store in Santa Barbara on State Street. Vintage? Yeah. So there was all kinds of kitschy vintage. So people were dicks long ago?

1:03:45Hey, man, I'm Disco Fonzie. This is good to remember that people had terrible ideas 40 years ago. Because someone's making these and there's, you know, like a couple of them. It's new. So, I mean, make an offer. Make an offer. Okay. I'll pay you not to have it. My offer is you can work somewhere else if you like. That's the offer I have for you. You know what's not nice? You know, you're a dad and soon to have two kids. They might like it when dad wears that. My daughter responded just the same way you guys did. She lost respect for you a little bit. She bet zero. Did she say? Zero already. How old is she now?

1:04:30Four. She's four. And she said, you know, it's trying to be meta and arch, but it's a little too much and a little too self-consciously twee. And you're like, wow. You said in a second what Conan's been trying to tell me for seven years. So you didn't buy two. No. Okay, if you had another one and you put one on Sona too and you went outside where there's sunlight and you aimed your helmets at each other, you might both go back in time. You know? Or you might Freaky Friday just switch bodies. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Switch bodies. I don't know. That would just be weird. It's just absurd.

1:05:11I'm so, I'm kind of glad we didn't do white elephant. Because you could have ended up with this. Yeah. Have you done a lot of white elephants? It was not a thing in my culture growing up. It feels like it's something that's more British. I think that it's, is that right? I don't know. I have no idea. I did white elephants with my friends. My family now does them in lieu of individual gifts because it's just too big. It'd take too long. So we just do a big white elephant. But also it can get really mean. It can. Yeah, I would think. We should do it this coming year because I imagine you'd get pretty ruthless.

1:05:42Yeah. No, what are you talking about? Because you can steal. Yeah, but also, you know what I could do is even if I lose out in the game, when the segment's over, I could just say, and now I want all of the gifts. And you'd have to do it. You'd have to give them to you? Of course you do. Why? Yeah. I'm a ruthless dictator here. Joke. Yeah. I'm the Maduro of podcasts. Why do you think I'm so, I'm always hiding. Any minute now they're going to come take me away. Hey Eduardo, is there any way to like dim the lights, but just get a spot on this baby? I know I didn't. Should I use my phone? Just start hitting buttons over there, Adam.

1:06:21And then watch what it does to the room and then see what you want to try to hit the, will the red light turn off? Turn all the lights off. It'll turn off all the lights. That's okay. Cause Sona's got. Is it worth doing, putting this much effort into it? Oh, yes, yeah. This is big. This is big. Sona does say that about everything. Someday they'll be doing CPR on me and Sona will be saying, do we really need to put this much effort? They're doing CPR on you. Some of my best jokes happen in the dark. All right, now I'll entertain offers. Okay, that was spooky. It did feel like I was in a strip club that closed and I'm still there.

1:07:01It's just me. And I'm there for the food. So there's no ladies anymore. And they're not even serving drinks. But I just can't get enough of that beefaroni. Hi, I'm Roscoe. I'm the lighting designer and stripper all in one. Oh, my God. You know what? I think that's one of those gifts that's going to pay dividends. You know? It is? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Even I doubt that. I just know not to pick your gift next. I know. That's not when we actually do this. Well, you don't know whose gift is his. Yeah, you won't know. We used to do white elephants, and one of my friends forgot a gift, so he went back to his car and got Taco Bell sauce packets, and I would rather have the Taco Bell sauce packets than that disco ball helmet.

1:07:43And you'd say that even if you were at a Taco Bell. Yeah. And you were surrounded. Just like bins of them. There were just bins of them. And still, you're like, you can have more of these free things that surround you or that disco ball helmet? Yes. Yeah. No, I like White Elephant, though. It's fun. We should do it next year. Okay, we'll do it. Yeah, we'll do it. And will you shop or will you just have David go find you something? That's a terrible thing to say. People act like I live in some kind of bubble. Once COVID's over and stores reopen,

1:08:15I'm sure David will show me where these, quote, stores are. And I will go to one and talk to a purveyor. All right, well, listen, all I ask is that you wear that on the ride home. and that you lower your windows as you head into Pasadena. Oh, I'm riding on a motorcycle, no need. No, that's definitely a Vespa. You need to be on a Vespa for that. All right, peace out. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

1:08:56Take it away, Jimmy.

1:09:01Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:09:36And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:09:51This episode of Colonel Brian Needs a Friend is brought to you by six all new McCafe drinks at McDonald's. You're a McDonald's lover, Sona. I know that. Love my Mickey D's, boo. Many times you'd buy, you and I would be in the car together and you would say, let's hit McDonald's. I'm talking six new all McCafe drinks. Did you know that? Six. Crafted sodas made with your favorite sodas on top with velvety cold foam like a Sprite Berry Blast made with Sprite and blue raspberry syrup. Don't miss the dirty Dr. Pepper and Orange Dream 2. And there are refreshers made with fruit flavors and add-ins like popping boba and freeze-dried dragon fruit.

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