I’ve Needled Many A Perineum

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Sarah. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi, thanks for having me. Glad to be here. Hello there, Sarah. And tell us, where are you coming to us from? Where are you right now? Right now, I'm in Portland, Oregon. And it's sunny here today. It's normally raining. Okay, I'm looking at behind you and it looks like either that's a decoration or vines have invaded inside the house and taken over. It looks very cool, though. dude it's my they're real i've never been able to keep a plant alive ever in my entire life so these definitely are real and it's my office i couldn't do this at my house because i have a two and a five-year-old and it's really loud so i'm at work right and who's looking after the children right now oh my husband my husband will why did you say oh well because i just i'm just so happy that he gets to stay home.

1:05Like that's the cool part, is that he gets to stay home with them. So yeah. That's nice. Hanging out with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where are you? My wife asked me if I would stay home with the kids and I said, fuck no. Oh. I think that was probably the wrong response. I did. I said, fuck no. What did your kids say? Wah, wah, they were really young. Oh, okay. But I was like, what do they do for me? I've got a career. You know, and I took off. I haven't seen them since. Oh no. I'm told they're well. I'm sure there are two of them one's a boy one's a girl let's get back to you Sarah you tell us what you do oh I am an acupuncturist have any of you guys had acupuncture before I have one time okay I have a story for you Sarah which is my wife was telling me you should try acupuncture you should try acupuncture so she got me a name I went in this woman did acupuncture and we were done and I said you know that was really interesting I think that was beneficial I'd like to do this again and the woman said, well, you are my last client of all time.

2:08I'm not kidding, this really happened. And I said, wait, what? And she said, you're my last client today. And today is my last day as an acupuncturist and I'm not doing it anymore. And I'm leaving the state. And it wasn't anything I did. Are you sure? Pretty sure. She was crying. She said, yeah, I just, you just happened to be the last person I'm going to do this with. And so I think that was about seven years ago. And it so put me off that I think on some level, because I think on some level I thought I finally, I tried this. It seemed to be working. And the person literally started taking photographs off the wall of the office as I was putting my shirt back on.

2:53And so I just, I don't know. I felt this kind of rejection. Does that make sense to you, Sarah? Maybe it was a good thing where she's like, I'm going to end on Conan O 'Brien. I'm going to end on a high. You know? That's a really sweet way to look at it. No. But I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, thanks for sharing that. That's the first time I've ever heard that story. I've heard some weird stories, but that's the best. But were you to do acupuncture on me, how would you approach me as a subject? Would I, what would you do? Would you approach me in a separate way or does everyone get the same treatment?

3:27Well, everyone gets the same treatment. I mean, so what I would do is I would say, hey, what's up? Do you have to use the bathroom? Because I ask all my patients, go to the bathroom first. And I'd say, you bet I do. I have to urinate for 40 minutes. Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm a big time urinator. One of the best. Big time urinator. You don't hear that much these days anymore. What a flex that is. Oh, that's such a flex. Yeah. So anyway, I'm in there. I'm urinating for 40 minutes. I come out and I'm ready to go. What happens? Oh my gosh. i'm going to ask you how your day was and how whether or not well like what what's wrong with you and i even if you don't tell me sarah a lot of people come up to me and say what is wrong with you i get that all the time that's why i love my job because that's all i do is talk about people's problems about them so i get to talk about them while they're in the room and all about how many things are wrong with them so yeah i'd ask you what's wrong we would talk about your stress levels, I'd put you on the table, and then I'd start sticking needles all over.

4:28Okay, let me ask you a quick question, Sarah. Are you familiar with the podcast? If you listened to it before, are you familiar with me as a personality? I am familiar with you as a personality, for sure, and that is why I wanted to talk to you. Because? I have not listened to the podcast as much as I probably should have, but I've heard you on other podcasts, and I've become incredibly excited about - Wait a minute. About, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you really enjoy me when I'm on other podcasts. Dude, can I tell you why? I have been like a huge Conan fan just over the last three months. Three months?

5:07I know, I know, I know. Just wait, just wait. I have a 30 plus year career, Sarah. Oh my gosh. Three months? Okay, hold on, let her talk. I'm sure this is gonna be worthwhile. Dude, you're gonna love this. Okay, dude. So I've been hearing, so I just like, I honestly just discovered podcasts in general, really. So I was listening to you on other podcasts. And we've met before at like a meet and greet. Wait a minute. I know who you are. You and I met? When did we meet? Oh, yeah, man. Well, I think back in 2009, I sent the picture. I don't look like that anymore. You definitely do. You look the same.

5:48Where did we meet? You came and saw a show or something, a live show? well no i didn't we met um it was you were doing like were you and i married briefly we were married briefly i married i remember i married an acupuncturist in 2009 but it was it was a short-lived thing it was up in portland i don't remember much yes well i have a christmas card to prove it because we met at an nbc affiliate meet and greet for the advertisers i was in pr I didn't want to go, because I knew you were, but I was like busy. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Sarah, you knew that there was a chance to get a picture with Conan O 'Brien and you weren't interested.

6:27Well, I know this, I promise this is going somewhere, but yes. Sarah, did someone force you to do this podcast? I know, are you being held hostage? You're gonna get on the phone and talk to Conan O 'Brien or you're never seeing your cat again. Oh my gosh, no. Wait a minute, so I'm not taking this personally. I really - Oh, wait a minute. No, I am. You should. I am, this is crushing. You should. You definitely should. So you knew, you had seen my work and it, let's just say it didn't excite you. I wasn't your cup of tea. I think that's fair to say, right, Sarah? In so many words, yes, yes, yes.

7:01Jesus Christ. That's brutal. So then, so I went and I met you and I got my picture taken. Was I nice in the moment? in the moment yes listen listen oh yeah yeah yeah so I knew who you were and I so when I first saw you in person I was like this he is really tall like you are extremely tall and you can't really tell that but you're tall and then I realized that you know I wasn't an acupuncturist at the time um but I realized I could get your vibe and you were like very kind and nice and I wasn't expecting that from like quote unquote celebrity celebrities are not my vibe but I've met enough of them through the work I did before acupuncture but you had a good vibe oh that's so oh and I was young and single so that picture that I um that we took together I sent us my Christmas card and my I promise this is gonna show I'm gonna tell you how great you are in a minute but we got this Christmas card.

8:02So you sent me out with, uh, you sent the picture of the two of us together out as a Christmas card. And how did that go over with people? Oh my gosh. My, my aunt and my cousin, they opened that they, they told me this two separate locations, two separate times, not the same aunt and uncle or not the same, the two different families. And both of them said, we opened the card and we were so excited to see who it was. And, and cause you were with the man and then we saw it was Conan O 'Brien. So it was, again, this is like, they were - They were what? They were disappointed that it was me? They were disappointed that it was me?

8:39They were disappointed it was you because I wasn't with like a real person. Oh, okay. You weren't, yes. They knew that I was not someone who was a potential husband material. Oh, okay. That's why. It's not like they were anti-Conan. Oh, good, no. oh good yes oh that's just sarah not them sarah is yeah they were disappointed that i didn't have a boyfriend at that time good good oh this is it and it was just conan o 'brien well don't say just conan o 'brien it was okay but listen listen listen so i anyway learned about you hearing you on different podcasts and like i'm very serious when i say this but not you and i don't know you at all We met once, but you are a super cool dude.

9:26Oh, that's nice. And I mean, the way I can just tell you're really nice and you handle your staff really well, right? You're very kind to them. And I own my own business, the tiny little business I own as an acupuncturist. And you are, you know, run things on a different level. But listening to how you have handled all sorts of situations, because unfortunately, unlike my life, your life is all over the place. But you seem just like such a cool, such a nice person. You love what you do. And that's why I love you, Conan. This is why I've decided that now. Thank you. I know it took me a long time, but I finally got to Sarah and she's, I think we're connecting, which leads me to my next question, Sarah.

10:12Let's say I show up and I come see you and I want treatment. What would you do specifically for me that might help me? um knowing what you know about me and all that kind of stuff knowing what i know about you i would choose the point right between your eyes and this is why you'd put a needle between my eyes double tap to the head yeah dude right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and the reason why is it what would it do is it would kind of get you back into like yourself and stop worrying about everyone around you and just like realize that you are awesome oh that's uh i i okay i think you're onto something i've actually paused i paused for a second because uh i think a lot about how i'm i had an improv teacher years and years and years ago long before i was on tv when i was doing really well in the class and just constantly getting a lot of laughs and everything and then the teacher She said, could I have a second to talk to you?

11:15And I said, sure. And I thought she was gonna say, you're the fastest mind I've ever seen. And she said, you're so fast and you're so clever. Stop thinking so much. Just breathe when you're up there and stop leading with that. And I thought, oh, that's fascinating. And it was the best advice I ever heard. But I think you're onto something that, to quote the Ramones, I love to be sedated. I'm happiest when, and I've talked about this a lot, but I'm happiest when it's like, it's a colonoscopy. We're gonna put you under for a bit. Thank you, thank you. I don't love the camera up the ass, but I love someone shutting down this thing in my brain that's trying to think about all the possibilities.

12:02Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah, and when I'm doing this with patients, I often say this is like your gremlin killer or the mute the mute button to your gremlin and your gremlin is always that voice in the back of your head that is going on and on and telling you for all of the reasons that you're doing all the things you do are wrong and that's that mean voice so this often mutes that okay that's why I would do that how long would you leave the needle in and can the needle permanently can it stay in forever that's my question can I just get a needle and do that now to him? Can I just... How deep does the needle go?

12:47It depends on the part of the body. So this one would go probably just, you know, a millimeter maybe, but I use a lot of three inch and five inch needles when people are coming in with like back pain and glute pain and stuff. So they can get pretty long. How many needles would you put into my body, do you think? Yours? Yeah. 10 or 12. We were told to ask you about one particular position of needle called the dew one. Would you explain what that is? And would you do that to Conan? So dew one. First, I'll tell you the anatomical location between the anus and the sexual organs and otherwise known as the taint.

13:26So that is, yes, definitely an acupuncture point. Would I do it on Conan? That's the question, what if there's already something there? Oh no, no. What? Let's just say a decorative ring. What? A piercing.

13:47And can I say what, no, I mean an actual brass. A trailer hitch? Ring, well it's actually handy for car keys.

13:57you can get this you can get to the taint real fast when you need to grab something what does what does the acupuncture there do to a person oh good question so in acupuncture school we've all had it done to us um and you know believe it or not in the chinese medicine texts it says that do one will calm the mind and i was like that's bullshit no way it does it kind of does what this point does up here, except it's in the taint. It's a really interesting experience. I love that you whispered that into a microphone, except it's in the taint. I hope no one heard that. Now, wait a minute. Were you two, this is getting a delicate area, of course, in many ways, but, you know, the way a masseuse is always careful to cover certain areas.

14:44there's no way that you can jam a needle into my taint and not see everything isn't that right well this is a good point but have you ever been waxed have you ever been waxed before waxed no well i mean like when so i've never been i have never been waxed never you've never been waxed no i don't think that's something are you surprised i've never been either yeah i'm a little surprised i've been waxed yes i know exactly what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah so you gotta just put it out there and then they just gotta do their thing i think she's saying that there is a way to cover it up so it sounds like you went to some special place well wait let's let's wait out there okay let's we're gonna let me let me let me uh let me try and we have to be very careful here and very specific sarah are you saying that there's a way to cover up so that the taint can be probed uh but you don't see other things is that right oh yeah man on your side you have the you have the patiently on their side lift up the butt cheek just like a brazilian wax wait a minute sona what you're saying that are you sure you're going first of all where is this is this at a warehouse and are there's a lot of giggling no she's she's right i haven't i haven't gotten for a long time.

16:11Was this a juggalo first? Time, but. Say? So what happened when you did go? No, she's right. You do get on your side and you help the person. That's not what you described. I said you were flayed out on the table, but that's for part of it, but it's not all of it. Yeah, that's for part, but not the taint part. Not the taint part. No, no, that part you could be. This is unbelievable. You lay on your side. I mean, I don't know. I don't have one friend who hasn't been waxed before. So this is, I think, only news to people who don't menstruate. Can I just say something? Your male friends get waxed?

16:45Oh, no, I don't have any male friends. I just have a husband. But all my friends are girls. Yeah, I'm just saying, I think it's a... Well, guys get waxed. I don't think they do. Just this four guys in here. We're getting a thumbs down from every other guy here. Okay, all right. Guys do not get waxed down there. If anything, I have more hair put on. Okay, all right. He is a merchant. No, I thought some guys do. I have needled a number of perenniums and - Oh my God. Men and women. I love any story that starts that way. I think thinking of an old sea chant, an old guy been at sea. Tell us old man, what a - I've needled many a perennium.

17:26What? Did you ever see any whales? No, never a whale. Did you ever go to sea? Not really, no. But I've needled many a perennium. I've used a whalebone needle. Oh, gather round, ye mateys. So you've needled a perennium and it's no big deal. No big deal, not at all. I wouldn't needle yours unless you needed it. So to answer your question, to bring it all back, no, I would not needle your tent. You did dudes. All of them had hair there? There were some that were probably waxed, I'm guessing. Well, that's what I was going to say. I have not actually seen a waxed taint of a dude before. Well, then you haven't truly lived, have you?

18:09No. I mean, come on. The elusive waxed taint. Yeah, that's gonna be the death side regret at 99. You're up in Portland. I never saw a waxed male taint. I've seen a Sasquatch and a Yeti, but never, never once a waxed taint. Okay, hang on grandma, we're getting Barry in here. She's gone. Sarah, that's incredible. It works. Tell me, I mean, there are some people that might say, I don't think, I don't see how touching these different parts of the body with a needle could work, but it does work. Clearly it works. This has been around for a thousand years. And, you know, there ain't no reason to say it hasn't.

18:57Oh boy. So my question is, how does it work? How does it work? This is, I got it. I have an answer. This is my job and I love to talk about it. So think about your brain or think about your body as if it's made up of a bunch of channels that run from head to toe. Yep. When there's pain or when there's stress or when there's something that's bothering you. in Chinese medicine, because we're all acupuncturists are all Chinese medicine doctors. According to Chinese medicine theory, when there is pain blockage, something that, you know, is ailing you, it means that the river that goes from head to toe, that channel that runs through your body is blocked.

19:44And it's my job to figure out why is it blocked. And so that's why I would ask you a lot of different questions, probably look at your tongue, take your pulse, and your river could be blocked because there's a dam there and river's not enough um water isn't flowing we call it chi in chinese medicine isn't flowing the river could be blocked because there's a dam further up the channel or the dam could be blocked and there's no river or there's no there's nothing in the river uh flowing down because there just isn't any water does that make sense yeah kind of i think i have a dam but it's hydroelectric oh that's and it's generating No, it's generating a ton of power.

20:23Okay, yeah. Yeah, so I think I do have a dam, but it's actually, I'm profiting from it in some weird way. Yes, absolutely, 100%, yeah. Sarah, do you have any question for me? Is there anything I can do to help you before I fly to Portland and you jam a needle into my tank? Take a shower, A. But then B, my question to you is, what is your self-care regimen? like lots of people use acupuncture what's yours uh to be honest I think my the the best way I take care of myself is I do exercise a lot I get my heart rate up a lot uh so in that way I think and I have a lot of different things that I like to do I like to move I like to feel like I'm in pretty good shape.

21:12So that's good. What I'm not great at is getting a massage or that kind of spa self-care. I'm not good at arranging it. I get self-conscious about it. I come from a family where people don't really do that. So I think that I grew up probably biased against it. And the times in my life when I have had a really good massage, it's a religious experience. and I'm a very pleasant person who's in touch with God afterwards. And I don't know why I don't do that more, but I don't. And so it's problematic. And I should explore things like acupuncture and I should explore why not? You know, I'm a curious person.

21:56There's a lot to find out. So I should explore that. Yeah, give it a shot. You have to go more than once. It's cumulative, but it is definitely worth the time. I tell my patients all the time. I mean, the only thing that you have to invest in is the time getting to the appointment. And then all the other work is done in the room. And it's not me. It's just the needles and really your body. You know me. What I'd want to do is come get, have you do acupuncture on me, stand up, take a tall drink of water and then have water shoot out of all these tiny holes. That I've spent a lot of time and money rigging just to get that one cheap laugh.

22:39That would be good. That's good. And that I would spend so much time working on that and so much money that I would get no benefit from the acupuncture. And I'd be like, hey Sarah, well that was a great acupuncture session. Now time for a nice swig of water. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all the water would shoot out and you'd go, that's so lame, why did you do that? And you got water all over the place. And I'd say, pretty funny bit, eh? And you'd say, no, my relatives were right, You are disappointed. You know in the movies when it's bullet holes that do that, it just kind of drizzles out, but these would be tiny little - Tiny!

23:06Just little laser streams of water. Yeah. Run right between my eyes and of course one in the nether regions. Sarah, very nice talking to you. I like you. I'm glad that it was slow to win you over, but we finally did. That's the important thing. It's cumulative. Yeah, it is. It is cumulative. Thank you. Yeah, you need many more Conan treatments. It's cumulative. so well thank you for being so great and you are my business mentor in my brain so when i'm talking about what my choices are i always kind of go by your what i've decided is your like dogma so thank you very much well thank you very much it's been cool talking to you and uh we'll see you on down the road bye bye sarah conan o 'brien needs a fan with conan o 'brien sonam obsesian and matt gorley Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

23:53Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

24:27This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf