Jake Tapper Returns

26:53And something bad happens to somebody. And no, I'm not kidding. They actually tried to recreate it, but it's like 1970s TV writers' conception of, and it's the band is like yelling death, death, murder, hate, and Quincy's in the audience going, what's happening? What's wrong? This song was murdered. This song was murdered. They're doing Cole Porter. Right, it's like when Elizabeth Berkeley on Saved by the Bell got addicted to caffeine. That I know. Oh yeah. Like that kind of like. See, now you're edging up into territory that someone knows. Now I know. I'm trying to bring it up a little bit. Thank you for doing that.

27:28It reminds me of the time Big Time Rush made that movie. where they went to London and the bad guys tried to get them. Now I went too far into... I know who Big Time Rush is, but I don't know what movie you're talking about. It's good to know about everything, Sona. It's good to know about everything. My kids don't know any of the stars that I know or think about. Well, that's what I'm... What's interesting to me is I grew up knowing about stuff in the 50s, 60s, 70s. And once it's happening in your lifetime, you know it. But sometimes I get the suspicion that now a lot of kids don't know about anything that happened before them.

28:03Is that just me being a cranky old guy? I think that might be you being a little bit of a... I mean, people know older things, but the things that you know are like shows that ran for one season that no one else talks about. Quincy was a huge show. Quincy was big. Was it, guys? Yeah. Quincy was a big show. It was a huge show. I mean, but there was also like three channels. That's true. Everyone had to watch Quincy. And Quincy was so big, it was on all three channels at the same time. simulcast but is it but the opposite is also true i don't know what it is what it's like with um your kids but my kids know people that i have no idea what they're talking you know when you go to the the cvs or whatever and like the magazine cover and i'm like i have no idea who there are 30 well that's right you know what i don't know who any of that's reality television but i think because a lot of it is you know janet tells kristin she better back off because you know Nico is hers and it's something from Below Deck, the Underwater series, whatever.

28:58And I don't know what any of it is. That's a really good show. It can't be. Sona doesn't know who I am. She's still figuring it out. Who are you? Yeah. Who are you then? Yeah. I think it's funny because I was wondering, these books must be a nice, because your day job, I would think, gets very intense. Yes. And then so you spend a day talking about the end of democracy. Is the system that was constructed 240 years ago possibly crumbling and then it's okay, you can go home now and maybe it's fun to go into a room and be these imaginary people that live in a different time. Yep. And just, uh, yes.

29:34And during, um, yeah, during this political era, it's nice to run away from it all. Although there's a lot of, obviously there's a lot of resonance for what is going on today in this book, because the two plots, so it's Ike and Lucy tell the story, their brother and sister. Ike is with Evel Knievel in Montana. And that is, that becomes like kind of a plot about demagogues and people who follow demagogues. Like, why would you follow, like Evel Knievel decides he's going to run for president, kind of like a publicity stunt. And he and his and this gang of people who are living in the woods of Montana start following him to Washington, D.C.

30:07to raise hell. And then Lucy is working for a brand new tabloid in Washington, D.C. called the Washington Sentinel, which is being started by a British media magnate named Max Lyon, who is very obviously loosely based on Rupert Murdoch. In the book, you originally called him Goopert Gerdoch. You saw an early draft. And then your lawyers got involved. Goopert Goopert Gurdok Hello mate Goopert Gurdok's the name Oh my god I've never heard You're Australian Oh was that Australian I thought that was fantastic That's not a knife This is a knife 77 Do you get into Any Star Wars in there Star Wars is mentioned It's mentioned at the beginning Just checking Due diligence Yeah No I can I can Rachel The girl he's in love with Reference Going to see Star Wars Also a film That I'm sure You're familiar with called Tentacles.

31:00One of a million Jaws knockoffs. Oh, okay. Horrible movie starred Henry Fonda. Like, it has all these huge actors. It's about a giant octopus. I imagined. And what you might not know is that octopus, octopi, don't even have tentacles. They have arms. So it wasn't even named correctly. Why? Why what? Why everything? Well, again, this is called the late 70s. Yes. And that summer of 77, I remember really well because I was and am a huge Elvis fan. And that's the summer that Elvis died, which is also a plot point in the book. And the big caravan of evil can evil. They stop at Graceland and mourn Elvis.

31:41And then he jumps over the casket and crashes. Graceland, by the way, at the time was not a museum. It was just where he lived. That's where he lived. Yeah. My house is now a museum even before I go. Really? Yeah. Like your president. It's like when you go room to room and you push a button, it's me there this is where i read the paper have you ever been in graceland oh yeah it's like the white house surprisingly small yeah it is uh very small i mean you can imagine when elvis got graceland and he's like 20 right and he buys this house it he couldn't imagine a bigger home and then all these years later now that we live in this era of like mcmansions and have people being in big spaces graceland is like oh this is cozy it's nothing like coneland No.

32:28Which I've been to. I'm going to build a Cone Land. Yeah. I'm going to build it. Cone Land is quite nice. I'm sure you're... It's going to be in the Smoky Mountains. Have they all been to Cone Land? You both have been to my home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful. Of course. And there are a few times you don't even know it. Oh, that's weird. I saw you. The camera caught you once. I wanted that to happen. Cone Land is beautiful. Yeah. It's a big tourist attraction. I'm the only guy that is trying to get the celebrity star bus to go by. I'm like waving them in. You know, hello. Actually, you send out Sona to give maps.

33:01I do. To the map people and it's just your house. Right. Or sometimes I just say, I'm Adam Sandler's house. And then from behind the hedge, I go, By the way, he killed at the Sandler Mark Twain Award. You did a great job. It was fun. It was a really fun night. Conan did a great job. He definitely put a lot of work into it. In a good way, I mean. Yeah, you got to. You got to prepare. You got to prepare. It's the way I prepare for these things. But I'm just saying. Mr. Tipper. With his new book, all the demons be here. All the demons are here. Yes, all the demons are here. Well, you know, so let's talk about other crazy things that happened in 77.

33:40So Summer of Sam. Yep. 77. Remember that being a big deal. Do you know what that is? Yeah. He tickled a lot of people. Yeah, and he said that his dog. He tickled a lot of people. He tickled. He tickled. He killed. Back then, tickling was a really bad crime. It was a capital. But they never found out who it was. Yes, they did. Oh, just kidding. David Berkowitz. Of course. Still in prison. And he heard voices. Yes, from his dog. There we go. Okay. I get my serial killers confused. They should have arrested the dog, when you think about it. The mastermind. So what did I just say to do? I didn't mean anything to really do.

34:11Even your dog is Nixon. I know. I am not a cop. All roads lead back to Nixon. I know. Always. Studio 54 opens. Oh Studio 54 opens Saturday Night Live Is really hitting Its stride By 77 It's a huge thing The New York City blackout I mean there's a lot Of stuff Jimmy Carter Takes office Elvis dies Horrible Horrible Oh and guess who dies Shortly after Elvis dies And no one pays attention Because the Elvis news Is so big Groucho Marx Is that true? Yep I remember Being also a huge Marx Brothers fan And shortly after Elvis dies Groucho Marx Passes away And he gets kind of a We'll take a brief moment from all this Elvis coverage.

34:55That's like Farrah Fawcett on the same day as Michael Jackson. Yeah. Farrah Fawcett, Matrix Guide, and then Michael Jackson died like an hour or two later. And she really, she got short shrift. I'm going to have my publicist do a lot of calling around before I pass. Anybody out there? Any big stars? Because Conan O 'Brien's about to go. He'd like to reserve this afternoon blog. Yeah. He wants the whole afternoon and into the evening. how's uh how's Kimmel feeling Kimmel's fine he took care of himself oh how about Colbert Colbert he's okay he's gonna hang in for at least another month good all right well I'm out then and then just as I'm gonna start to just go up to see the light I'm gonna start my my soul is gonna start to leave my body and then a massive star is gonna be killed in a balloon yeah and I'm gonna jump back into my body that would that would stick around that would be a feat i can do that you should you should uh you should write a book about that that's a great idea literally as a as a novel a guy who's obsessed with getting the most possible trying to figure out how it's really it's actually a really good idea but i don't know if it's a book as much if it's like a 40 minute funny movie well and it's who does it in uh is it tom sawyer or huckleberry finn that sees his own funeral i forget which one it is you're the mark twain expert you tell me yeah well i didn't get the prize well you deserve it but you Thank you so much.

36:18You didn't pass the quiz. No, I didn't. That Sandler did. I believe, isn't it Huck Finn, who's up in a tree and watches his own... Tom Sawyer. What's that? Yes, Tom Sawyer. So Tom Sawyer... Yes, Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer. Thank you so much for getting that for us. It is. It's Tom Sawyer. No, I know. Some people think it's Huck Finn, but it's not. It's Tom Sawyer. But Tom Sawyer sees his own funeral. Yeah. But what if there were a guy who, like you, wanted to see the... I do want to see my funeral. ...the spectacular media coverage that you get? Well, here's the other problem. we all know that's not happening it also so much of its timing I can say as somebody who covers these things so for instance Tina Turner she died in like it was announced in an afternoon like maybe like 2 o 'clock and it got a ton of coverage but she was also I mean she was a legend but I'm telling you like some of it is just timing like some of it has to do with like how big is the other news going on that day Sona, this is on you.

37:15You need to organize this. Oh, no, don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't have to be the death of him. You don't have to coordinate when he dies, but when it's announced. No, bury it at a Friday at 5 p.m. I know. It's going to be my last thing I do for you, and I'm going to botch it. During the Oscars.

37:33Also, it's how you go. I think if I bought a Zeppelin and I took it up, you know what I mean, and collided with another Zeppelin. Yeah. And, you know, it's got to be spectacular. You can't die of natural causes. Wait a minute. Attacked by a lion while in a Zeppelin. Oh. Flying thousands of feet in the air. It could be like rescuing someone. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good. Like you're heroic. It's a heroic death. We didn't appreciate him while he was here. We didn't know. We didn't talk enough about his heroic side. Hey, how about this, Jake? You're in the news business. And I could slip you a couple of bucks.

38:08Let's say however I go. And let's say it's, even if it's, you know, just not, it's not great. You're on the toilet. Yeah, and I have, I just had like. Which is how Elvis died. I just had very bad diarrhea. And I died of diarrhea. And it was just three days of it. People die of diarrhea, Zona? That's a real thing. Yes, it is. Like, what do you do? You lose all your water and your nourishment. So my point is that. Google it. Google it. Yeah, let me Google that real quick. It's not one bout of diarrhea. It's like days and days and weeks. No, no, no, but mine is one long bout. One is just an explosion.

38:43It's one long explosion. And so my point is, that's how I go. I'm going to have Sona contact you, Jake, and you're going to say, try to foil a robbery to protect. Oh. You know, you've got to. What if Sona says like in a bizarre diarrhea accident? Yeah, and I take pictures of it and I post them up everywhere. I'm sorry. I'm not the one to trust with this. Speaking of which, can I say something about Elvis? So I learned while writing this book that one of the reasons why some people blamed Rupert Murdoch for the death of Elvis Presley. And I'll tell you why. Because he had a couple bodyguards that his dad, Vernon, fired.

39:22And then they— Well, Elvis is—okay. Yeah. And they did a tell-all. Yes. Two of Elvis' bodyguards. One was Red West. Right. And the other, I can't remember which one it was. Blue East Blue East I have I'm contributing You're reading through your own book now Well I have as you know I do Do they ever cut back to you on CNN and you forgot and you're reading your own book That's the way to get cover up Red West, Sunny West and Dave Hebbler as told to Steve Dunleavy who worked for the New York Post who worked for Murdoch and so they sold this book and this book came out and some people think it's so depressed Elvis by...

40:09The book was called Elvis What Happened and it was his two bodyguards saying, man, is he in rough shape, Elvis, and many people think that that was one of the things... That was one of the precipitating events that caused him to overdose and that's how he died. And so there are people out there who blame Rupert Murdoch for the death of Elvis Presley. I mean, because he published the book, Steve Dunleavy. There might be other things to get mad at Rupert Murdoch about before. I'm not saying I'm one of... And also, like, they were telling, and their story about Elvis was true. I mean, what they were saying about him was accurate.

40:40Right. Nobody disputes that. But anyway, how did you know about Red West and Sonny West? Oh, I know all kinds. I just, I think, I think I know a lot about. He's an Elvis fanatic. A fanatic is a little crazy. You're, yeah. I know a lot about certain. You're a big fan of his. When I know, when I, when I have areas of interest, I go deep. And then I know a lot about it. And so that would include, but I think that, that spreads over a wide area. There are many areas of interest, whether it's Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello, Lou Costello of Abbott and Costello. Those are my three areas of interest.

41:15Now, let me ask you a question about your life, which is when it's been a really tough news day. Yeah. And you're watching things go down that maybe can worry you as a husband and a father. Are you able to go home and shake that off and say, oh, it really depends. I mean, sometimes, yes. I mean, look, most news is not good news, right? Most news is negative in some way or another. Like some things are very distressing. Obviously, the school shootings are very upsetting. War is very upsetting. You know, January 6th was very upsetting, that sort of thing. And it's tough to shake it off. But generally speaking, I go home and I try to change the subject.

41:57I try to, yeah, just be with the kids and be with the wife and not, I don't watch news. I'll watch you or I'll watch other things on streaming or whatever. But like, I'll try not to watch any news when I go home. Do you, I mean, I guess Twitter has become a different thing, but. It's really weird now, isn't it? Yeah. Are you on it? Like the algorithm. I got off. I couldn't. It's interesting because I didn't go on it that much, but there are certain ways where you can get the news in kind of a straightforward way on Twitter. And then I felt like it started to change. And now I'm seeing a lot of stuff that just really depresses me.

42:32And I feel like I'm a very heavy lens has been put in front of me that's distorting the picture. I feel like there's an algorithm that, look, all social media has this now where they, I mean, they've all been doing this for their exacerbating and making us see conflict and hate and stuff like that. But I feel like this new permutation of Twitter is like, it's showing me things I don't want to see. Like there's a whole, I, you know, I have the people I follow and I want to read them, but like it defaults to some other group of tweets that like, I don't, who are, I don't want to watch. I don't want to read these tweets from these people.

43:05Who are they? Right. Like they've added this thing of like, here are tweets that we would like you to read. As opposed to this is what you this is what you would like to read. Yeah. From, you know, really awful people. And I don't know. I mean, it's just strange to me, but I'm sure he knows what he's doing. Yeah. Yeah. All you see online is extremes. Like the people in the middle aren't really that active. It's the people who are extreme who are just the loudest. Are you just talking about Twitter or are you talking about all social media? All of them. Really? Like when I go on Reddit, I feel like it's like sometimes it's very doomsday.

43:39Well, of course, it's Reddit. What are you talking about? That's like when I go into the dark web, it takes a turn. Can I just say even the pornography I watch is very, it's very doomsday. It's always like, let's do it. What's the point? We'll be dead soon. And then. Yeah. You look tense. Wong chunka. Wong Chukka, that's your porn music? I thought it was... I watch... Listen, I like to score my own pornography. Everybody Wong Chukka tonight. You listen on mute and then you do the music for it. Yeah. What a turn on. I like to mute the porn and then put my own music in. And voice. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

44:29And sound effect. I've never heard one chuk-a-chuk. I've just never. That's like a Beretta episode. I thought it was agreed upon that it was shikabow. I thought it was. When was the last time you guys watched porn? 1977. It's in the book. Yeah. That was the summer of porn. We were all, except during the blackout. Yeah. When suddenly all the porn went dark. That's the blackout. No, when Ovis passed, we all had to do something to recover. So we watched four years old. And of course, that porn went.

45:09I'm telling you, this is all true. It's all in the book. There's no porn music. There's no porn in the book. No, there's no porn. There is no porn in the book. What's your, like, if you were to do porn music, what would it be? It wouldn't be, there would be no music. It's just the squishing sounds. Okay. Oh, God. All right. What are they making latkes? Before they have sex? It's the squishing sound. This is not a squishing sound. No, that's a clapping sound. I know, I can't squish with my hands properly. Okay. Yeah, like that. We have a respected newsman here. I know. And people rely on him to find out what's happening.

45:49And this is what you do with it, Sona? I didn't take us down this road. Well, Gourley and I put beautiful music to the pornography. And then you come along with your physical sounds. Your squishing noise. Apparently, you and your husband high-five each other during sex. Because it's a squishing sound. We did it! The Clippers scored another hit. Listen to that crowd squish. Your babies are good, though, you said. Come on. Why do you have to go to my babies for four? Because all of a sudden we were talking about you having sex. Oh, God. Yeah, they're good. They're going to be two. The only time, yes, you had babies.

46:31Yes, I did. That's what I know. And last time I did this podcast, you were about to have twins. And you suggested I name them Leopold and Loeb. Which is a fantastic idea. That's great. I think Leopold and Loeb is the perfect name for them. Or Eric and Lyle. And there's so many. Eric and Lyle is a good one. There are so many killing duos. Sacco and Vanzetti. Sacco and Vanzetti. Well, were they guilty? We don't know. Right. Fat man and little boy. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. Those are the nuclear bombs. Yes, they are. That's right. That's right. Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm just saying if one of her kids were a little chubbier than the other one, they could be fat man and little boy.

47:09Yeah, one's a little thicker. Well, there you go. That's great. He's probably listening right now and a single tear is going down his teeth. Yeah, he's listening. Mama thinks I'm chunky. I want to make sure I mention this. all the demons are here. This book is out. There's a large chunk at the end, which is telling you, it's giving you basically factual follow-ups. The end notes are just, I put those at the end of every book so people can know what's real and what's not real from all the stuff I write about because there's historical fiction. It's historical fiction, so there's real things. And if you want to know, you know, did Jake make up Viva Knievel or is that a real movie?

47:42And you just go, no, Viva Knievel was a real film. And then I do the review from the 1977 Daily Variety in the most daring feat of his career, Evel Knievel leaps over a mountain of blazing cliches in a cavernous plot. That's so real. You know what? I think that critic had made up their mind before they went. I think they went, you know, to hate Evel Knievel's movie. I would have written a wonderful review for that movie. Well, I think Gene Kelly was in it. Well, this is, there was an era. Do you remember the, was it The Swarm? It was about bees, killer bees coming up and they got huge stars to be in these things.

48:18All the Irwin Allen disaster films. And also all the Irwin Allen disaster films had the biggest Hollywood stars of the 30s and 40s and 50s were in disaster movies in the late 70s and 80s. Yeah. And it's mostly them saying, my God, how could this have happened? Think about The Towering Inferno. It had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. And O.J. Simpson. And Fred Astaire. That's right. Keep going. That's it. Fire. Roddy McDowell's in all of them. Right. And George Kennedy. George Kennedy is in almost every disaster movie. So you talked about the killer bees thing in the swarm. We've alienated so many people on this podcast.

48:51So can I just tell you about the swarm? I mean, not the swarm, but the killer bees. So in the 70s, this was a legitimate fear. Who's old enough to only, are you the only, no, maybe you two. No, no. I love that you pointed to Blay, who's actually about 22. But he went through a horrifying experience two years ago. Do you remember killer bees? Yeah, killer bees were a big thing that were going to kill us all. So, right. They were coming from South America. They did a horror movie about it called The Swarm. There was an NBC did a special about it. And researching this book, I found out that it was all pretty much invented by Rupert Murdoch to sell papers.

49:26Oh, my God. He sucks. In San Antonio. I'm not prepared to say that. The first newspaper, he bought these San Antonio newspapers, and they basically scared the shit out of the country to sell papers. And killer bees were a real thing, but it was going to take years for them to get to the United States. and you only really, it wasn't like one would sting you. It'd be like a thousand would have to sting you to kill you. Anyway. No, no. It was, I remember it was, again, an incredibly cheesy, kooky movie about the killer bees coming and taking over towns. And I remember there's, at one point, I think it was Michael Caine was a scientist in it.

50:02And he said, and I don't do a Michael Caine impression. It'll just be Nixon again. But no, but Michael Caine says, I can't believe it was the bees. They've always been our friends. like like of all the of all the insects it was the bees it's more like I can't believe it was the bees it was the bees you know it's just a slow it's just a I'm really shocked but it's not a good can't believe okay but there you go it was the bees well that took a turn well well I'll try again there you go there it is there it is I love bees Mary Poppins alright alright do you remember do you remember when I'm the voice of reason here then the shit has hit the fan.

50:43Do you remember when, do you remember the horror movie starring Michael King called The Hand? I just watched that. Did you watch, really? I haven't seen that. Oh, I adore that movie. It's horrible. He is a cartoonist who loses his hand in a car accident and then the hand starts killing people. The hand escapes and starts killing people and then, should we do the spoiler alert? Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it. You're not sure whether it's, is it in his head? imagining it or it's manifesting his desire to kill people. Is he killing people and he's imagining that it's his hand creeping along? I'm going to say no.

51:16I'm going for it's actually the hand. Correct. But you don't find that out to like the last minute of the movie. It's the 70s. I didn't know. Oliver Stone who plays a cameo as a bum in that movie too. Yeah. We got more time. Let's cover some movies. Diana, you're live. Diana, you're on the air. This is what talking to you does, Jake. I know. Because your books are filled with all this stuff, then the next thing you know, we're talking about The Hand. Yeah. And so we might as well get the word out on The Hand. Yeah. Written and directed by Oliver Stone. Yeah. And that same old story about a cartoonist who loses his hand, 1981.

51:55And The Hand, of course, goes out and kills people. Yeah. So check that out. I'm sure that's one of those movies that when you look for it on streaming, you will not find it. Oh, I got places. You got places. We know you have places. You go to Sona's house and check out her dark web where she has the squishy porn. I'm going to watch. Reddit, subreddit, squish porn. Squish porn. Wonka-chugga squish porn. Wonka-chugga, wonka-chugga, wonka-chugga. High five. All right. Jake Tapper, book. It's a thriller. All the demons are here. Book. It's a book. Go and read it. Book. No, you're a New York Times bestselling author.

52:34This is a big deal. It's a cool thing. well thank you so much you guys are very you're very kind we're not professional i don't know that we've helped you in any way yeah but i think your listeners read books i think they do they do they're very we're trying to you're a smart we're trying we're trying to weed them out i think you have i think you have smart we do we have actually we are very i'm uh we have very cool fans and very erudite fans i believe all right jake tapper thanks guys god bless and go in peace thank you so much

53:11I was editing the podcast not long ago, and I don't know if you remember this, but in one of the intros, we had a conversation where you were talking about how you told your dad when you were eating a meal, like, I don't like this. And your dad said, I don't know what you like. No, he said, why should I care what you like and don't like? Yeah. Despite all of our little sibling rivalry we have here, you know, I think you're a very funny guy. You did this voice on there where you're that age Conan telling your father what you like. And I was editing and I was fucking rolling. Do you remember it was?

53:44I don't remember the voice. Father. Father. Oh, that guy. And what I really like to do is when I'm really doing a prissy young fellow, I like to say instead of father, the Latin pater. Oh, pater. Pater. And I have a little bell. A ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Pa-ter! Yes, son, what is it? Pa-ter. It should be clear now, I know I'm one of six, and I'm in the middle. But I think you'd know by now, I'm not a fan of half and half, I like 2%. Well, half and half is just a little too thick, but 2%, it gets it just right. It's not quite as viscous, S-A-T word.

54:32You lousy punk! Oh, pot hair. Don't get your panties in a bunch, pot hair. Come here, come here, I'll smash you. You have to catch me first. I've got one of those old timey bicycles with a giant front wheel. It's called a velocipede, or a penny farthing, if you will. I'm getting upon it right now and you'll have to catch me. Whee! And then I'm zipping around the room. My father's in his lab coat trying to catch me. Come here, you creep. You lousy. Again, so that we don't forget, Pater. Two percent is on the money for me. One percent's too thin. Half and half's too thick. I love that the other five children are 100 % normal children and you're the only one in that family who wears a little beanie.

55:26I will tell you a true story, which is, this is an absolutely true story about my brother, Luke. We lived in Brookline, Massachusetts, and we would walk. There was this store that we would go to, and it was like a small grocery, and our parents would send us, my mom would send us an errand. It's like, can you go get some hamburger? Can you get this? Can you get that? The store was in this one area where there were these tougher kids, like the Irish Catholic kids that played hockey, which my brother and I definitely were not. They were the ones that played hockey and they kind of knew those are those weird kids.

55:58Their father's like a scientist and they read.

56:03And I think we kind of stuck out and they thought we were strange. We were walking over. My brother, Luke, is very, very highly intelligent. He's really smart. And he was really very precocious at that age. Much smarter than I was and still smarter than I am. and we would we walked down to star market one day and these tough kids came over and they kind of half surrounded us and they were sort of pushing us and the thing to say at least in our town in those days was if you wanted to say something negative about someone you say what are you mental what are you mental you know it was like hey what are you mental and they were kind of shoving us a little bit and they were saying to luke what are you mental and luke actually said to them, well, mental is Latin and it implies of the mind.

56:47So that's kind of a compliment. Thank you very much. Bam!

56:57The beating that ensued lasted for 20 minutes. I was on your side until he said that. Yeah. But I mean, you know, I do remember that. I know. And, you know, Luke, weighed all of like 80 pounds and I probably weighed 81 pounds and he was older than me but he had like I don't know he had been a little sickly so anyway it was just absolutely what do you do when your brother you just hide oh I think I said I don't know him even though we look identical yeah you guys look so much alike people did think we were twins practically but I was I think I pretty much had a standard line which is, I don't know this man.

57:39I'll help you hit him. And yes, if anyone gets tired hitting him, I'm a pretty good hitter. Here's a stick. Yeah, exactly. You know, you don't have to use your fist. There's some rocks over here. That way you don't bruise your knuckles. And then Luke, of course, at the bottom of the pile would say, well, rocks are actually, they're denser than the actual bone of a fist. So I think Conan's got a good point. You know, the Greeks believed. No! Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What are you, mental? Well, Latin does imply, yes. And then I'd run home to tell my father, Pater, pater! Some hooligans are thrashing Luke.

58:27What? Which one's Luke? Luke is the one one year older than I. But a year separates us.

58:38Of the six, he is two and I am three. Oh, pater, what a thrashing he's taking. I don't have time to do anything about it. What am I supposed to do about it? I'm a microbiologist. Father, you say you're a microbiologist. Why do you sound like a prize fighter? You lousy. By the way, did you pick up that 2 %? Not the time. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, anyway, a little Luke. I love you. You're still smarter and better than me, but man, shouldn't have whipped out that Latin in front of those hockey players. And for that, I mean, that's on you, man. Yeah. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.

59:22Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

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