Joel McHale Returns

28:02Oh, good. That's important. And to appeal to cats with finer palates, Temptations lickable puree has a perfectly creamy texture they can't get enough of. Some say the Roman Empire collapsed because the Romans became too obsessed with their own pleasure. Is this a sign of things to come? I don't think so. look for a way to make bonding with your feline friend even better try america's number one cat treat brand temptations cat treats cats can't resist you yes love game shows i love them and this is a where we uh this is a point of separation for us why because i've never i think i don't like games.

28:52And so I, whenever, uh, you know, if I was on a game show, I'd just be trying to remember the rules. You know, when it, when someone does a card trick and they're like, okay, which card is it now? Remember that card, but here's another card. I just get so tense that I don't enjoy myself at all. And then I forget which card was mine. I say the wrong one. The magician gets angry. Do you play any puzzles on your phone? I do a lot of crosswords and things like that. yeah but i i'm not someone who would enjoy being a game show host i think i'd screw it up but you really like is there a number though where you're like i'll do it yes okay um right so let's just meet that number and it's very low but i've made some terrible investments because i host the one percent club on fox next day on hulu who are you looking at uh sorry whichever For a minute it was me and I got really uncomfortable.

29:50And what are the rules of the 1 %? Let's say I was on the show as a contestant. What would my task be? You just answer these puzzles. They show you the puzzle. You have 30 seconds to answer them. Right. But you do the, there's like the 90 % question, which is we asked 100 people, 90 of them got it right. Right. Here's that question. I would get the 1 % questions and I would get wrong the 90 % questions. That happens to me all the time. so i'm terrible at the game but i love mocking people for getting questions here's my question because game show hosts when i was growing up anyway were always kind of avuncular and kind and sweet um you are uh dick you're dick um i just were trying to think of a better word but then no dick is it yeah so it's okay for you to be a dick on the one percent club yes next day which i thank you uh yeah they that was part of it i was like i have to be able to you know, ridicule these people as, as they get these questions wrong.

30:50So, or even though you wouldn't be able to get them. Yeah. And I tell them that all the time. Right. And I also say, I'm not, I'm bad at reading. I'm fully dyslexic. And, uh, so I, when I read the questions and they can be pretty complicated, I'm like, just read the question. Don't listen to me. Cause I'm going to screw it up. So you guys read it. So I'm, they're amazing. If you're a terrible host, I'm bad at it. And you know what the prize is? It's a bag of oysters, which is... That's right, Phoenix oysters. Fresh from the desert. We got these ones from Oklahoma. So, yeah, but I love doing...

31:29But you love them. You know, Andy Richter loves game shows, too. He's always... Does he host one? He has in the past. He has, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And he's a very funny host, but he enjoys that world. And I think I'm a phobic about it. I'm phobic about games like that. Really? Yeah, I kind of am. Yeah. They would pay you a lot of money. Listen, money's never been my thing. Now, if you'll excuse me. I would say taste has never been your thing. I say you spent a lot of money, but I'm kidding. But my jacket taste is through the roof. Is that Tom's word? We're not talking about it. I'm a man of the people who walks around with a sword cane.

32:11please i'm just a regular average joe just um rammel i'm getting killed by this later today yeah i'm gonna hurt myself yeah when you put it in your car just be careful okay yeah or that won't be the problem i'll go into an in and out with it forget that it's also a sword uh what are these guys doing here what's that these guys yeah um yeah that is well matt jumps in every now and and just sticks the shiv in between my fifth and sixth rib. And he gets like how you're sitting. You got one too. It's nice. I can't fool. The pillow aside went nowhere. Eduardo built this place. And I don't mean just with his hands.

32:49He is a genius audio engineer. Blay is here to occasionally shout into the microphone, right? But also to keep us on track. I'm a good laugher. You are. Oh, right. Yeah. There you go. And David, what do you do? I don't know. Yeah. Oh, Sona couldn't be here. David fills in. Yeah. Okay. And so I think we're a happy crew. I think it's good. And you know Matt from Nirvana, the band, the show? Yeah, Matt and Jay from Nirvana, the band, the show. And you brought that up because - It came up earlier. He just mentioned he liked Tony when he was in the green room. And I said, I was - Oh, so you're bringing - I was just following up on something that happened in the green room before we started recording.

33:27Yes. You know, I'm so glad I have a sword cane right now. Because little asides, and you're like, no, no, no. That's a joke off of something we did in the green room before we started recording when you weren't there, Conan, because you were going over notes to prepare for the great Joel McHale sit down notes that say things like oysters. Wait, you have oysters like fraternity. You were briefly in a fraternity in college. And then you left because they asked you to leave. What? No, I just it was very dirty. What do you mean? Oh, not clean. Yeah, it wasn't. I'm sure there's some a lot of my friends have enjoyed fraternities and sororities.

34:09I was not in a fraternity. We didn't have fraternities in college. But so this was a fraternity you joined thinking, oh, this would be fun. We'll put on togas. We'll throw kegs out the window and we'll chat in unison with the guys. And we great. Yeah. And they it wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't for me. They were actually there was it was OK. I moved home and then lived at home for the rest of college, which was a whole different type of fraternity. That's a whole other thing. You, you didn't just leave the fraternity. You went home. I went home. My, the home was close. That's a quick question. Were you kicked out of school?

34:45No, I should have been. Yeah. Uh, because I, so why'd you move home? Uh, cause I was like, ah, I'll figure out a place to stay later. Ironically, I'm friends with a number of the people in the fraternity still. Sure. Yeah. Uh, they now live at your home. Yeah. roadie my friend roadie of course anybody in a fraternity is named roadie uh yeah it wasn't uh it wasn't a pleasant time but then i was like uh we were all making our way trying hard and you played football in college i did uh which they were that was great they were um that that was a good group because the they had a really good goal which was win football games at the fraternity at that time i hear everything has changed since then but uh at the fraternity at that time you know the goals were much different maybe they are the same now i don't know i'm wandering around i would hate to be in your mind it's just such a rat's name that's you saying that that's me i know that's me yeah but um yes so i see now why you left i wanted to live in a sorority because they they was they were clean yeah and full of girls okay yeah you're bored just no i'm not bored the tears.

35:55No, I just, I'm trying to figure out if that's a cool thing to say in the modern era. I wanted to live in a sorority because of all them goyels. Are we allowed to do that anymore? I, well. Oh, you didn't do that other stuff. You said it way different. I want to go with the goyels.

36:16Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Go, go, go. With the sword cane, it really. You gave this guy a sword cane. I loved playing football. That was it was very dangerous, but but but ultimately very rewarding. You are a very muscular man. Thank you. We've talked about this and this despite the fact that you don't really do weight training. I've tried to encourage you to do that. I do do weight training. Really? Yes. That's all I do. Be more muscular if you did that. What? It's a downtime. When do you work out? You get up in the morning first thing. Well, it depends on the day. I haven't worked out today because I had to wake up early.

36:52Yeah, clearly you were 20 minutes late. Oh, to get your gift. Am I the latest out of anybody who's done your podcast? No. Who was the latest? Oh, Kesha. She had to go get you a gift. Oh, yeah. Remember? You know what? Kesha was super late, but no one minded. No. Because she came in. She was fantastic. She looked amazing. All of her stories had a beginning, middle and end. She was kind of wearing pants. Yeah. She had a shirt with your face on it. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was the best. That's what I love so much. I was like, you look amazing. And then I did the whole bing, bing, bing, a wooga, a wooga.

37:27And then I was canceled. Wait. If I had just worn a t-shirt with your face on it. I'd love you. This would be my favorite podcast ever. I have a Craig Kilbourne shirt, but that's about it. Really? No. Okay. I gave it to the Smithsonian. Okay. The only one. Your asides are jewels. Each aside you make is just an absolute jewel. two out of four are kind of enjoying them yeah i i love it i love it i don't know where they come from i don't know what they mean you're a seattle guy yes uh as are you an honorary seattle guy i am an honor i'm married into seattle my is from seattle i go there all the time i love it greatest city uh invented everything yeah it's just a the sky being three inches above the sidewalk okay um airplanes coffee perpetual computers online shopping i do love ball shall i go on i love Seattle.

38:21I really do. And you, um, you got sort of your start in Seattle because you did theater games. I didn't know this about you. So I always try and find out something about you that I didn't know before you did theater games, improv at Pike's place market where they throw the fish and fish and catch them. Yeah. I'm there all the time because we sort of always stay in that part of downtown and I wander around. So I'm there constantly. Tell me what was it like doing improv while people were throwing raw fish around well the uh theater is now uh you you've been to the gum wall uh the gum wall at pike place market is truly a disgusting it's got to be the most unsanitary describe what a monument in all of the world is my guess it is just people chew gum and then stick it to the wall yeah and you think oh that there are millions have gone through as a that's like what yes yeah and it smells like a homeless person's crotch there it is there it is that's the guy and i know what a homeless person's crotch smells you know what i it's there's the theater that literally that window is the theater where you got your start and now it's covered in gum you know what i love to do i do this all the time i go to the gum wall i peel off a piece of gum and i plant it on a crime scene i've had more innocent people who are just tourists arrested.

39:41I swear to you, officer, I was not. I'm moving along now. You're coming with us. It was a wonderful time. It was a wonderful time. So you liked doing improv? It was so great because it got me comfortable on stage for hours and hours, and I was able to bomb a lot. And when did that go away? How dare you? How dare you? Oh, I don't even need this. I don't need this. I've got my sword cane right here I think when did it go away? No, it really did I could be on stage for hours That's what I did first I did improv and it was when I first got started out here, 1985 I thought it was the 50s I'm sorry, 1955 I had my hair greased back I just voted for Eisenhower I remember it gets you up on stage and it gets you thinking and moving and and i loved being in front of people so it was great it was great yeah and they kept me it was called unexpected productions we did theater sports and uh it was just hours and hours of so and i remember just i remember thinking this is what i this is what i want to do this is i got to do this as much as i can until i have to get a real job yep boy they're still doing it there's people in that company that i did they're still going oh yeah and and i've gone back on stage they're lifers yeah yeah and they're so much better now i mean i'm like god dang this It's like playing a sport you haven't played in years.

41:10I'm like, I'm sorry. No, not very good at this anymore. So I just - Always a good thing to start off with when you're on stage. I suck at this. And then it just gets super racist. But you're good at it. Thank you. You know all the different races so well. You have a lot of the steps there. Thank you. Thank you. You've gotten much better in races. Thank you so much. So - It's, yeah. Have you been to a theater? We should go to a show there sometime. I've done to a bunch of different shows. I haven't been to a show there, but I have seen a lot of theater in Seattle. What happens when you walk in?

41:44What does that mean? People go, I'd fuck him. I don't know. No, I mean, if Conan O 'Brien walks in. That's what people say audibly. I'd fuck him. It's weird. You're like, we're doing this 12th night. Yeah, exactly. No, no. What do you mean when I walk in? Nothing happens. I sit down and people go, ugh, that guy. I just saw him at the market. he was peeling gum off a wall and he planted those people planted it what's the last play you saw i don't remember we said all the time we used to go see theater with our kids you know kids there so you know we would go to see uh christmas carol that kind of thing christmas story yeah christmas story whatever it is you bought you just watch a movie the john hugh the famous i used to take my kids to see movies and then i would say wasn't that a good play and then and then i got points for taking my kids to theater and people would say, what did you see?

42:39And they would say, Endgame. We saw the play. Adventures Endgame as done by the Royal Shakespeare Company. That's a great scam. Oh, I love the theater. What did you just see? Obsession. So you come down to LA because I'm trying to figure out your trajectory. You come down to LA and you're getting little acting parts here and there? Yeah, I went to acting school at the University of Washington. UW. UW. Go Dawgs. Let it go. All right, let it go. And yeah, I did for three. People listening to this on their serious radio are stopping their rental car, getting out and shooting into the hood with a gun.

43:28Why would they destroy their car? I didn't say it wasn't an overreaction But Yeah, I will say we have the coolest Student of all time at the UW Who went to UW Who's that? You went to Harvard, right? Sure You bring it up all the time I think you just did Coolest graduate of all time, other than you You have presidents, right? Yeah And you guys, did you go to college? Harvard? Everyone here, that's the only people I hire yeah that's why they're all wearing mortarboards Bruce Lee we had Bruce Lee guess what Bruce Lee's buried there is he really he's on Capitol Hill and so is Jimi Hendrix coolest people are buried in Seattle Sarah's parents no joke are buried in the same graveyard as Jimi Hendrix because Sarah's father died a long time ago and was buried there there's a fun story I thought of a sketch, since we're doing crazy side commentary here, I thought of a sketch not long ago where it's heaven and someone gets up to heaven and they've just died.

44:42and of course their dream, you know, whenever someone who loves guitar dies, they say, you know what they're doing right now? They're jamming with Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon and Elvis and that guy shows up and Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon and Elvis are just so sick of this shit. That's all they, and they're like, they, and God is like, come on, that's what they, no, I can't fucking do it anymore. These guys can't even play. And the guys from Jethro Tull are like, we'll play with anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys want to do some rock flute? Sorry. Those guys are still alive. I think they're still touring.

45:24They're alive. And that's a credible band. I think you picked the wrong band. Glass Tiger. Remember that band? Why do you do this? They're still alive. And when I say, why do you do this? Don't forget me when I'm gone. When I say, why do you do this? I mean, why do you come here when I ask? when I asked you. I was invited. And much like a vampire, now you're screwed. You invited me into your home. Never invite the Joel McHale in. I'm here forever now. Is it weird when you have guests on that are way less famous than you? No, I love that because then I get to be the alpha dog. That's true. Then I get to go like, ah, look at you.

46:03You haven't achieved what I have achieved. See? Now listen to me, see? You say? No. Did you... Like when you interviewed Mick Jagger, were you like, you're in LA all the time. You could have come to the studio. I did. I actually made a, I was very passive aggressive in the interview. I said, oh, I guess we had to do it here in London. Yeah. Because you're Mick Jagger. And a lot of people said it ruined the interview because I think I spent most of the interview just, I couldn't get over it. So couldn't you have met me halfway? Which would be in Nova Scotia? He just strolling through Halifax along the beach.

46:43Was he nice? He was lovely. Yeah. He was lovely. Incredibly smart. Whip smart. So. What are you saying? You'll get there. You just need more time. You need more stage time is what you need. Okay. I'm very fascinated with, and maybe we've talked about this before, but it just fascinates me. Anytime I visit you, you have a new vehicle, but it's not, let me paint the picture here. it's not like oh he's got a ferrari or a lamborghini or anything you have what looks like stuff you got at an auction house um yeah like something it says u.s navy on the side and it looks like it used to have a machine gun on the back but doesn't have the machine gun anymore you get these things is that a little yeah is that an obsessive compulsive thing yes i think it is part yes it gives you a lot of joy.

47:35I don't begrudge you that. And it's cool. It's very cool stuff. Yeah. But whenever you get in it, you show me these things. You're like, man, you got to get one. And I get really excited. I have a little bit of that thing when I'm with someone and someone I like, and I do like Joel a lot. I get excited about the thing they're excited about. And then I'll be saying like, yeah, yeah. And then we'll get in the car with Lies on the way home when we're at your house. And I'll be like, yeah, I don't know. I'm going to see if there are any naval trucks around that have a rig in the back for a weapon.

48:07She's like, you're not doing any of that. And I go, I know. And I wake up in the morning, I'm like, I don't even want to do that. So Sarah puts up with that. She's very patient. Yeah. And she like, okay, this for example, I do have a truck from the Air Force that is parked outside my home because I want people to think that I'm slightly crazy. But also it might be a crime deterrent. because yeah i wouldn't if i was gonna case a joint and i saw there was a giant i mean huge it is a huge machine out front that's like matte gray and it says u.s navy on the side and it looks like it has the apparatus to have a machine gun i don't think i'd go inside that house i'd go into the other house and i'd be surprised by a gentleman with a simple walking stick oh oh hello I'm of no threat to you yeah I would say anybody who's listening to this if you look at that truck and think oh he's just doing it as a deterrent and you can just walk right in I dare you I fucking dare you that was because I got some theater games waiting for you I will play we'll start slowly go off track someone's armpits and pretend to swing at you Yeah.

49:28So I know a guy, his name is Brian and I'll be like, oh, that was really cool truck. And then he will send me five links going, Hey, I found that truck. You just happened to mention. Don't you hate it? That happens to me sometimes with guitars. I'll say like, ah, I mean, you know, Gretsch Roundup, that's a really great guitar. Man, I love those guitars. And then I have people in my life that are enablers. Yes. Drug dealers that say, Hey, I just found this link. that guitar could be yours for 700 million dollars you're like okay no i say no you've said yes before i have a couple times but not how many guitars do you have we don't want to talk about it okay so here's what you have started in my life are these glasses jacques marie yes now i just buy these yeah and uh it's cheap you know what they're for they're for people with big heads and faces yeah and you know who turned me on to them a man named jeff goldblum jeff goldblum I was doing some project with him somewhere on the line, and we were in a voiceover booth together.

50:28And I looked at his glasses. Jeff Goldblum is the coolest guy, and he always wears the coolest stuff and wear a similar build. I looked at his glasses, and I said, those glasses are amazing. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, my boy. Oh, my boy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Jacques-Marie Lamage. Mm, yeah, mm. And then he took them off and he was touching my face and then he was touching my chest. There was a long embrace, a hotel room. And then he was right. And he told me where to go and how to, they're fantastic. Yeah. And I, Sarah's, I have bags of them now. And Sarah's like, what? You have a backpack full of these.

51:08What are you doing? And I'm like, I just, it's my new, it avoids, it helps you to avoid buying something large. I would think the internet would destroy you because it's too easy to buy things. Yeah. Someone like you who sees things and, oh, really cool, a grenade. I can have a live grenade from the Korean War and you would click on it. I have one of those. Do you have a grenade? I have a grenade. Do you seriously have a grenade? I have a grenade that doesn't have, obviously, the charge in it. But how do you, I don't, I don't trust you not to have a live grenade in your home. I don't think you really checked.

51:40When I pull the pin, I do feel excitement because then you can put it back in. But I've got a bunch of bull whips. I was trying to get you a bullwhip for today. I prefer this. A bullwhip, you actually have to be able to move your arm a little bit. I saw you playing cricket in that thing. You move fast. I do move fast. It's much cat-like. It scares me. I'm a stealth athlete. It's like watching a stork run away from like a wildebeest or something. I'm sorry. I had to turn it back on my... I had to turn it into insult. I'm sorry. You did. It's okay. You learned that near the fish market. Well, that's how they got us off stage.

52:19They just huck a salmon at us. You know? Joel, what's the group? Did you know, and I've said this to you before, you're the only show I've ever written a letter to. When? In 96 or 5? I was living in my parents' home. Oh, so it was 93. It was any time during college or for 10 years afterwards. I've never written a letter. And you wrote a letter. That's nice. I think I've talked about when it was before the devil and the, the angel and the bear sketch. Oh yeah. That would be on either side of your shoulder. We did a repeating sketch where I was in a moral quandary and I'd wonder what to do. And the old thing where an angel would appear on one shoulder and go, return the wallet, Conan, that's the right thing to do.

53:00And God will bless you. And I'd go, huh? But I wonder if there's another perspective. And you'd think a devil would show up on the other shoulder, but it was a bear and the bear didn't know anything. the bear would always go, Oh, don't always maul with your front paws. It would give me advice just specific to bears. Oh, I love going past the old stuff and thinking about it. But it was, those were good times. So you wrote me a letter. I wrote you a letter. A fan letter? A fan letter. That's so nice. Yeah. You were the, like when you came on, like people our age, like 30 years younger than you. We were, yeah, when you came on.

53:35You joke, but it is true. Anyone my age or older thought this was a disaster. What is this man doing? And then it was young people that were like, oh, this is cool. He's doing it all. He's doing all the stuff we want to do. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. That was. Yeah. And I remember just thinking, man, if I can just be an entertainer, if I can somehow entertain. You will get there. Then I was like. It's going to happen for you. You just need a few more trucks and nine more glasses of liquid. I have to ask because everyone wants to know. No one wants to know. One of my favorite shows of all time. We talk about this a lot and, uh, and my family as well.

54:14My kids. The great indoors on CBS. The great indoors on CBS. Your favorite. Animal control. Animal control. Coming back this season. Coming back this month. That's a very good show. But I mean, the show that they've built religions around community. There's always talk of a movie. I ask you every time you say possibly, maybe it could. Is that happening or not? Possibly. Maybe it could. Got it. Uh, we have the money. It's getting the schedules together. And I know it's been going on for years now. Uh, I ruined it one time. Uh, cause I, uh, I think I did. I recorded a commercial for a gambling app, but, uh, and that fucked up the schedule.

54:57You fucked up the gambling. You fucked up the community reunion because. Yeah. It was like a morning. You were shooting a commercial. Yeah. No, it was, uh, for another schedule thing that I couldn't move. but then it was yeah so it's just it will happen we have the money I swear stop saying we have the money you sound like you even have a script you just have the money Dan Harmon if you're listening please let's do it I've never heard a guy just keep saying we've got the money we've got the money it's like you're a kidnap victim we got the money together just give us a half an LMR we don't even want the money but that's one of the hardest things to get right is like the funding okay yeah you don't believe me I don't know I don't know much about movies but I loved you in clearly Joel I'm gonna let you go no I'm gonna tell you something I thought we were gonna talk to somebody no we don't talk to other people isn't there someone phones in from no no you're thinking of a different show oh we don't solve crimes here okay we clearly create crimes you've got a weapon animal control season five of animal control yeah the 20th premieres sunday september 27th on fox yeah and is available next day on hulu yeah and um and now it's on netflix do you enjoy the making of the show it seems like you guys really have a good time it's great the cast is great everyone's cool and uh i like the having the animals was it's a strangely delightful isn't it fun to be around animals that we had whenever we had animal segments on my show I was just deliriously happy that critters were roaming around the halls.

56:38It was, we just had a bunch of baby goats and they were so cute. And I was like, okay, just take one of these home. And they were like, it'll be 240 pounds in about six months. And I was like, well, it's just like a lot of my relatives. You're going to eat it before then. Yeah, I would. But it's been, yeah, we just finished and it was, so yeah, thank, I can't believe it. Season five. Well, I want to thank you for this incredible, I mean, if you see me strolling around with a cane, don't screw with me. Because this walking stick is fantastic. It makes me really happy. If I ever come back, I'm going to bring a bunch of knives.

57:10And then we can, you know, hash. Only one of us is allowed to leave the room. Oh, yeah. Something tells me. I think you're the one that would live because I think you have a Derringer, a women's, like, 19th century Derringer. A very small one on your ankle. It's on my garter. Thank you very much. Okay. Respect me, please. Come on. Joel. Thank you for having me. You're a good friend. I always like seeing you. I love hanging out with you. We always have a good time. Let's eat. That would be nice. Oysters. Boo. Meat. You love a steak, and I really appreciate that. I'm an Irish potato steak guy. How's your cholesterol?

57:49We don't talk about it. All right. But it is so high that if I was strapped into my car and I stopped short, a cholesterol me would come crashing through my chest. Oh, man. You could just paint it and put it right in Madame Tussauds. What does it look like? I mean, it's just - It's me. It's me. It's, yeah. Let's not push that image too hard because it won't hold. Who do you have coming up next on the show? We have some really good people. They show up on time. Shit. Everything they say follows a continuous narrative and links together. There's no hemming and hawing. There's no slurping of drinks.

58:29But if they don't have a sword cane, I don't want to talk to them. god bless you joel mikhail thank you and watch watch uh you know animal control animal control and one percent club yeah and uh crime scene kitchen yeah and house of villains yeah and your your commercials and uh my that's my commercial for jackpot party yeah where you're encouraging people to to gamble yeah gamble irresponsibly very good that's spending that is that is the company's motto gamble irresponsibly cash your paychecks you can always live at home kids don't have to live in cool it's cool bring a kid uh thank you for having me guys thank you for being here

59:16september is national childhood cancer awareness month and team coco is teaming up with hyundai hope on wheels in a fantastic way children fighting cancer are the real warriors that's why Team Coco is donating memorabilia to a special charity auction benefiting Hyundai Hope on Wheels. Hyundai Hope on Wheels has supported children's families, doctors, and researchers since 1998 by funding childhood cancer research and raising public awareness. Check this out. Since 1998, Hyundai has contributed more than$303 million. That helps fund research and advance treatments that have helped save more than 40 ,000 kids.

59:52You can show your support by wearing the blue handprint, the war paint for every young warrior battling cancer, a symbol of their fight, resilience, and hope. The auction is another way for us to get involved in their mission, and we're honored to be able to take part in. I like that we're doing this auction. And there's a lot of really good memorabilia we have for the podcast. Yeah. A lot of cool swag. Also, some stuff that I think is unusual and maybe fun for people to have. Like a date with you. No. No? Okay. We've tried that, and we lost over$600 ,000. I'll tell you what some of the auction items are, okay?

1:00:24A meet and greet at the next live garage show. Oh, nice. Meet Conan O 'Brien. Yeah. And the highest bidder gets to not meet me. That'll go for a lot of money. Custom cameo style videos from Conan. That's me. Examples could be, I don't know, a congratulations on a wedding, a happy birthday message, just something fun. And I'll do that for you. We're going to auction off a Conan signed guitar because everyone knows that when you think great guitarist, you think Conan O 'Brien. A Conan famous doodle. I do a little doodly guy. You doodle up a storm. I'm quite the doodler. Yeah. And also, we're going to auction off four signed Funko figures.

1:00:58Oh, wow. So that'll be cool. That's very cool. Can I just say I drive a Hyundai Palisade? You do, and it's a fine-looking car. It is, and it's really great to drive a car that's connected to such a good cause. Yes, to be driving a car made by people who are doing such a nice thing. Yes. This September, you can bid to win exclusive Team Coco memorabilia supporting Hyundai Hope on wheels. Go to the below link to bid. Wear the blue handprint, share your mark of a warrior on your socials, and learn more at hyundaiwarriors.com. Don't freak out, but there's an island in the Caribbean that loves both of you, David, Sona.

1:01:33And I think I'm loved too. It's called Aruba. It's the most welcoming place on earth. Have you been to Aruba? I haven't. It's fantastic. Yeah. Now that's the good news. This island loves you. Here's the bad news. You can't feel any of that love from your sofa or your desk or whatever heavy machinery you're operating. You got to fly on down there, walk on its beaches and soak in the sun, and then you'll feel that love. That's how you have to do it. I'm giving you both time off. I'll fund the whole thing. Oh. Wow. And you got to get to Aruba because when you love Aruba, it loves you back. Plan your trip today at aruba.com.

1:02:04Offer a free vacation for Sona and David. Not real. What?

1:02:13Sona, what's a tradition in your home? My family always does a family picnic every year. That's a good tradition. With all of my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. It's really fun. Well, guess what? No matter how big, small, or silly, traditions can bring people together. And Tostitos is there to celebrate the traditions that matter. They start with whole corn kernels to make masa, the traditional way, and bring you a variety of flavors like a hint of lime and Mexican street corn. I love street corn. No artificial flavors, colors, or preservatives, just quality ingredients and amazing flavors worth gathering around.

1:02:46That's the Tostitos way. celebrate your traditions with Tostitos, or maybe even start a new one. Hello! Tostitos. Tradition matters.

1:03:01How about we do a review the reviewers? Okay. I love it. Just to remind people, this is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I look at a review for the podcast, and we read it, comment, and review on the review. Very nice. It's our take on their take. This is titled Conan Movie Roll. It's five stars out of 16. Out of five. It's the new scale, yeah. Hi all. I love the podcast and listen regularly. I should mention this is from someone called DeVanks. Okay. I love the podcast and I listen regularly. I just wanted to share my response to Blaze's question in one of the recent episodes about who you could play in a movie, I believe.

1:03:38I think Conan could play James Garfield in his biopic, but we could change the ending so he doesn't get shot. Wow. Do you think you could play James Garfield? Oh, well, first of all, this was just done. There was just a brilliant, I thought, limited series about the assassination of Garfield that I loved called Death by Lightning. Yeah, Michael Shannon played Garfield. He was amazing. And Matthew McFadden played Charles Guiteau, the kook who shoots Garfield. What was the deal? He was shot in a train station or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Garfield hadn't been president long and was doing a really good job.

1:04:16And this is a different time, but he was going to go get on a train. It was, I think, the summer, and he was going to go join his wife and family at a beach house. And so he was walking to the train station. Jeez, it used to be so easy. And he walked into a train station. Just kill a president. Yeah, this guy, Charles Guiteau, just shot him. You could just go and shoot a president. Yeah. It used to be so easy. It's good that it's not. Okay. I feel like I should say that. Here's the thing. I don't know anything. I don't know anything about James Garfield. You can play him anyway. And I'll be like, oh, he's James Garfield.

1:04:56Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Your gift is that you know nothing about American history. So it's not even that. No, but it's a gift. He's like one of the presidents that all I know is that he was assassinated. That's a shame. But I don't know where he's from. You could have a southern twang. I have no idea. He could be. Ohio. You might think he's from Ohio. Why did Guateau shoot him? Was there a reason? Charles Guateau was a disappointed office seeker. He he had given a speech or two. No one asked him to. He would just get up on a street corner and give a speech. And he felt that he had helped Garfield get elected.

1:05:33And then he was a kook. So he would. This is back when if you wanted a job in in in government, when a new president was elected, you got to go hang out in the White House and wait to try and get an audience with him. So there are hundreds of people standing around waiting to talk to the president. And he just left a note that said, I would like to be the ambassador to, I think he said, I would like to be the, very much like to be the ambassador to Paris or something. And he had no experience. There was no reason. He was a, he was a weirdo. He had gone to a, um, free love camp, might've been Oneida.

1:06:08It's like upstate New York. He went to a free love camp and none of the women, And, you know, it was everyone in open relationships having sex with each other, but no one would sleep with Charles Guiteau. He's an incel. Yeah, he was. He was like the first America's first incel. And one of the women at the camp started calling him, their nickname for him, his name is Charles Guiteau, was Charles Get Out. Because they're always telling him to get out of our room. Oh, my God. He was very bitter about that. And he finally decides that he's been screwed over and that if he shoots, if he kills Garfield, Chester Arthur will become president and then Chester Arthur will give him a job.

1:06:48So not good reasoning. Do you think that this is accurate or do you think there's a president that you're more suited to play? If you had to play any president. I think, I mean, I think I'm very Lincolnian. I really do. I am the exact same height as Abe Lincoln. OK. And I'm, you know, I'm. You've got that dark complexion. Okay. Let's just watch it. Very dark hair. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. I'm just saying, same height, prominent cheekbones. I'm a depressive. I use humor to see my way through just the terrible tragedy that is the Civil War. Yeah. So, yeah, I think I'm Lincoln. Yeah. I mean, if Daniel Day-Lewis could do it, you could do it.

1:07:29I've noticed all the presidents you're associated with are the ones that are getting assassinated. Or I could be Gerald Ford. Yeah, there we go. Because I can fall down pretty easily. Oh, okay. I know how to do that. Was Gerald Ford the one who was like kind of jockey? He was a jock. He was really good looking too as a young man. Yeah, okay. Gerald Ford was jockey? Oh yeah, he was a football player. Yeah, even I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not that I don't know about history. I know about some stuff. I just, I knew Gerald Ford was a jock. You could do, you could be a jock. No, I don't think I could be Gerald Ford.

1:08:00You could be like a guy who used to play sports, who doesn't anymore. No, I mean, I don't know who I would be. I mean... You kind of look like, what's his name? Tyler? What? Don't you? Tyler, the creator? Yeah. I get that all the time. Maybe that's not how I'm thinking of. I get that all the time. That's not how I'm thinking of. Probably a James or a John. Yeah. That's good. There's a good case to be made that Guiteau didn't really assassinate him because Charles Guiteau shot him, hit him in the low back, and then all these doctors, without cleaning their hands, and one in particular just kept jamming their hands in there to try and find the bullet and he got sicker and sicker and sicker over months and months and months and they just finally he died and they realized the bullet when they did the autopsy had a cyst formed around it he if they had just left him alone he'd have recovered fully but his body was riddled with infection he wasn't the one that his wife basically took over and ran the presidency while he was sick Was that McKinley?

1:08:57No, that would be Wilson. Wilson had a massive stroke when he was out pushing his plan to end wars and he was trying to sell it to Congress and he was working really hard and he had a massive stroke. And then his wife would go into the room and confer with the president and then come out and say, you know, all food is half off today for women. Oh, nice. Stuff that was, no, I'm kidding. Was she good? What's that? Was she good at running the country? I don't know enough about this. Yes, you do. I don't. I was just going to say, I think you, all of us in this room. I can't hear you. Can you just be louder?

1:09:35I'm trying. All of us in this room, you could say anything about any president and we would believe you. Yeah. And I do remember one time, I don't remember where we were, but you had said that we were talking about Lincoln. And you said that you went to go to the Lincoln Museum. Yep. And his coat was there that he had been shot in. And I was like, oh my God, that's so cool. And you're like, oh, and you talked a little bit about how he got shot. And then you're like, and because I'm famous, they took it out and they showed it to me. I was like, oh my God, that's amazing. And then you said, and then you asked to try it on and they let you try it on.

1:10:09Yeah, is this true? And I was like, whoa, oh my God, they let you try. You're like, yeah, it fit me perfectly. And I was like, and then you said, and then I did a little dance and I still believed you. yep and then you said and then i ran out of the room yeah and they changed and i was like you did and you were like dude at what point are you gonna say that this is fake and if you start i just started believing you if you start a story and it's always start with the plausible and you always keep it plausible like oh i went and it's like and then give real details and then you're like and then you start to just push it a little bit and at a certain point people are followed you so far down into the coal mine.

1:10:50And that's one of my favorite things to do is wait and see when someone goes, wait, what? Yeah. That you put it on? Yeah, I put it on. And then I started doing the Charleston. If they're in that deep, they have to admit to themselves. They have to admit that they have, A, that their lives have been wasted for the last 20 minutes. Yeah. And that they've been talking to a sociopath. Right. And then they have to admit that they believed everything up until, okay I believe that Conan got to put it on because he lives in a bubble and people treat him really nicely and then when he said he started doing kind of a little bit of a robot dance they're like okay well Conan sometimes I could see him maybe trying to get a little bit of a laugh but once I'm running out of the building and running through the streets of Washington going whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop I just love they took it out because you're famous like you're just because you're a famous guy they took out priceless coat from the That is the plausible part of the story.

1:11:47It is. I mean, I'm not just saying because me, I'm just saying that people sometimes bend the rules a little bit and say, you know, yeah, no one has laid on this bed since Jefferson died here at Monticello, you know, in 18 whatever, 07. Oh, that's fascinating. You know, Conan, I really love the podcast. Yeah, man, my dogs are tired. My feet are on fire. Why don't you just stretch out? Oh, this is great. Oh, no, I wet the bed. Why'd you wet the bed? I don't know. I got really relaxed. I had so much lemonade outside. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

1:12:32Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:12:47Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:13:22And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:13:37The most powerful man in the world embarks on a frantic mission to prove he is humanity's savior. before the disaster he unleashed destroys everything. That sounds like they're doing my story. Tom Cruise is Digger. From award-winning filmmaker Alejandro G. Inyaritu comes an epic spectacle. It's sharp, it's bold, it's funny with Tom Cruise transformed for his most fearless performance yet. View the trailer online now. Get a front row seat to the end of the world. Digger only in theaters October 2nd. Experience it in IMAX. Survivor Wednesday. You are birthing a new game. Every type of advantage, every twist we've ever done is in play.

1:14:19No! This is so fun! Expect everything. Predict nothing. It's game time. Now let's go! It doesn't get much better. Now is the time to dive in. Survivor, new season CBS Wednesday.