John C. Reilly Live From The Orpheum Theatre

20:24Hello, I'm Dr. Arroyo.

20:32You may have seen me indoors on a recent episode of Hot Ones with Sean Evans. Sean Evans and his guest. But tonight,

20:46tonight I'm here to talk to you. If you're looking for high quality, affordable health care, or just affordable health care, I can help you. Have you ever gone to a doctor with a health concern only to be told it was nothing? You paid a lot of money to be told it was nothing. I'll tell you it's nothing for just$19 cash.

21:18Hello, I'm Dr. Arroyo. You said that. I know. And for just$19 cash, I'll conduct a medical exam, check your vital signs, and say the reassuring phrases you came to a doctor to hear. Phrases like, it's harmless, that goes away on its own, and you should see my leg.

21:46Now you may ask, who am I to give medical advice? I'm Dr. Arroyo. I graduated from one of the top doctor schools in the country it was in. And just this week, WebMD put me on their list of doctors to watch.

22:09I keep medical costs low by conducting exams al fresco in low-traffic outdoor areas like alleys and bus shelters. Underground parking garages? That's it. I know when the guard has to take a whiz. Of course, if your problems persist, by all means, get a second opinion from a fancy indoor doctor. But get your first opinion from me for just$19 cash. For years, A-list celebrity hypochondriacs like Conan O 'Brien have been coming to me for their first opinion. and I've been right so far. Let me be right so far with you. Don't take my word for it. Here's Conan himself to vouch for my services. Conan?

23:03No one told me I was part of this. I know, I know. It would help out a lot. No, no, I am not going to vouch for you. I'll give you$19. No, I'm good for that. You put a stethoscope on my tongue. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. It was the only way to get you to stop talking Okay No, I'm not going to endorse you He's the best doctor in LA No, I'm not endorsing you I'm worried about the legal ramifications Of me endorsing you I'll defend you Okay You're barely a doctor And I know you're not a lawyer Neither are you Tie game Wow Again, great point Why don't we just wrap it up, Dr. Arroyo Yes, well, alright Just gonna do this This is a very hot crowd Thank you Dr.

24:08Arroyo, everybody

24:15The top doctor schools of the country it is in. It is in. Just having him on stage is like a tacit endorsement for you. That's troublesome. And for him, that's more troublesome. Oh, yeah.

24:37Well, I think we should move on to the crux of the evening, shall we not? Yes. I think it's time that we brought out our surprise guest for the evening. And to do that, I think we should set the tone, set the mood. So why don't we... Who is it? You're about to... Why don't I take you backstage and we'll talk about it? Who is it? That killed me. That ends... Stop, Hob! Okay, let's set the tone. Let's dim the lights. And yes, let's dim the lights and get the band to play some nice mood music here.

25:25Hello, California.

25:41Hello, California. I am John C. Reilly.

25:50And I feel fucking stoked about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

26:13Damn! This crowd was very happy to see you, Mr. Riley. I know.

26:22I feel like I kind of shot my wad up there. I don't have much else to say. Well, that's fine, that was enough. Again, we're just getting room tone. I have to say, I was thrilled when I found out that you were able to do this. And this man is shooting, he's always busy because he's in the high demand, shooting a movie. And then his company called and said, they're not gonna let him out for this movie. And this man said, no, no, no, I wanna do it and moved everything so he could be here tonight. So.

26:54A lot of people are out of work right now. Because of your selfish actions. I have to go back. There's a whole film crew just sitting around, like not working right now, down the street. You know, we have a lot to talk about. It's funny because we've chatted a bunch of times. We have a bunch of things in common. It's hard to know where to begin with you because you've had a unique career. You've managed to play so many incredible roles and so many different types of roles. And we're going to get into it. You were about to say, you can't believe I made it this far? yeah that's the old kevin nealon i still that's all he ever says to me is i can't believe you made it this far um and he means it uh but you and i are both from i'm i'm i'm one of six i'm one of six kids as am i irish catholic family and you are one of six one of six fifth of six fifth of six i was third of sixth and i've got do you think birth order makes a huge difference oh yeah oh yeah the middle the middle ones which in our families was two through five are like hey i exist that was me yeah and that was me tonight too i mean that's my whole life story is look at me everyone don't write me off and it's been that way since i was a kid you still got it man you still got it conan i watched you warm up this beautiful crowd this whole podcast thing i love because it's almost like, you know, when I watched your show on TV, I always thought, like, what's it like when they just sit around and shoot the shit?

28:29Like, in the room when they're coming up with ideas. That's what you really want to see after a while. And here we're getting to see it. Yeah, it's been mistimed, woo. That's a stub hub has too much confidence now. But when, you know, I don't know how much Catholicism played a role in your life growing up, but I know it had a huge, huge influence on me. You might think you're done with Catholicism, but it ain't done with you. Yeah. What was your, did you have, did you go to like a Catholic school? I had to have Catholic instruction where, you know, the nuns had the whole outfit. It was insane.

29:09I went to CCD, which I don't even know if they do this anymore, but in Chicago on the South Side where I grew up, on Wednesday afternoon, if you were in public school like I was, they would let everyone out of school to go to the Catholic school to learn to be Catholics. Like the whole afternoon. And there were always like three kids that were like, I'm Arab, Muslim, whatever. Like, I guess I'll just sit here and draw pictures while you guys are learning to be Catholics down the street. Yeah, so I was the full... Was it strict? How strict was it? Catholicism? No, not Catholicism. It's known to be rather strict.

29:53I've heard it's pretty much whatever you want to do. You know, in a weird way, it is, actually. As long as you say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bless me, Father, for I severed someone's head. I mean, I really think that. Like, my dad and all his brothers and stuff, like, their attitude was like, yeah, I know the church says this and this and this, but, you know, we fuck up, you know. and so i thought that was kind of a great you know i don't know there's a little bit of flexibility there in practice but in dogma no no but what about when you went to the school because some people didn't really happen in my era but i know that there were people that would say and i think it did happen in my era but just not in the ccd classes that i went to but they said that oh the nun would like corporal punishment that hit you with a ruler that kind of thing did you ever see anything like that um not at ccd yeah because ccd you know we were public school kids we're like what are you don't you touch them and it was for the most part was taught by lay people believe it or not that's non-caphal or non-priests or whatever um you know i had this one moment where i was like i don't think i've ever told anyone this publicly but just between you and i He said to the opera boxes.

31:16I've been doing plays since I was eight years old. And I always wanted to be on stage. And at a certain point in CCD, they said, would anyone like to volunteer to be an altar boy? And I was like, holy shit, it's my chance to get on the biggest stage of all. God, stage. Man, sure, I'm a stage hand, but I'll be up there. and I was like I would like to and then the day came when my teacher was like okay John you're gonna go see Pastor Brzeznewski or whatever his name was he's gonna talk to you about being an altar boy and I was like just me and she's like yeah just go to the rectory and I was like oh okay and I went out of that classroom and I walked down some stairs and I was like oh fuck no and I went out the door and went home.

32:06I'm not meeting with a man alone. No, no, no. Not this one.

32:15The wrong kid.

32:20But when I went to Catholic high school, I was taught by the Christian brothers and they used to beat the shit out of you. Seriously? Yeah. They would wail on you for seemingly innocuous things like would they use their i mean i don't want to get too grab but like you were did you yeah slap slap slap slap slap you know like that kind of stuff yeah yeah you make it look like three stooges which is less it's less toxic when you do that yeah it all seems kind of more fun rather than a child being brutalized laughing up it's like some of them were i know we lived it you know you got a good crowd when They're like, ah!

33:01A child was hurt. I'm going to change the tone by saying that you contemplated going to clown college. You didn't follow through, but you contemplated it. You must have read my Wikipedia. I did. No, I hired someone to do it for me. So I could nap up until 11 minutes ago. Well, yeah, I went to acting school after college at DePaul University. And then I was like, I was, I was actually speaking of the Catholic church when in the, in those early days, when I was a teenager, I was part of clown ministry. What? That's not a thing. It is a thing. They were tricking you somehow. Now take off your pants.

33:47No, no. Put on the clown makeup. No, it wasn't like that. I actually, you know, to tell you the truth. and there go the opera boxes plenty of room now the truth is i mean i took all the best stuff of catholicism i was like do unto others yeah i'm down with that and what's all the scary blood of the lamb bullshit i don't even know what that is i'm just gonna ignore that i just took all the positive things and i like that i like the community of it but um yeah i was in clown ministry, which... I don't... I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that as a segue. That just does its segue. So they teach you to be a clown.

34:30They actually taught us, like, really how to be clowns. This is how you do the makeup. These are the rules of being a clown and everything. And then we would go to, like, nursing homes or street fairs or whatever. We would just... wherever clowns were needed, you know?

34:48This is 911. We need a clown in here? One car, 70 clowns. Can you get them down here?

34:59Yeah. So yeah. So anyway, cut to, I go through, I've been doing musicals since I was eight years old, all the way through high school, I did musicals. Then I went to the series acting school. And then at the end of that, I was like, what am I going to do? I want, kind of want to get out of Chicago. I'll go to clown college, which was a thing. It doesn't exist anymore, but the Ringling Brothers Circus had a thing called the Clown College down in Florida. And you'd go down there and they would further teach you how to be a clown. And then you'd join the circus. You'd get like a five-year contract with the circus.

35:32And I was like, awesome! That's like a job for five years. It's perfect. And then some guy who actually taught clowning at the acting school pulled me aside. He's like, did I hear you say you were talking about going to clown college? I said, yeah. And he's like, you know what happens. And I was like, I'm Catholic. I know her. I know already. No. No, he said, if you go, sure, they give you free room and board, and they teach you how to be a clown, and they give you a job. But you spent about four years shoveling elephant shit in the worst train car of all of them. It's not, you know, and I was like, okay, never mind.

36:07I'll do theater. Yeah, so you chose your profession so you didn't have to shovel elephant shit. It's funny. You did a lot of, I'm sure, dramatic work early on, but you're such a good comic actor. You do both extremely well. One of my, I remember when, I know you've done so many iconic movies, but one of my favorites that you've done is your role in Boogie Nights because, and I'll tell you why. Yeah. I'll tell you why. It's because I think your relationship with Mark Wahlberg in that movie is maybe one of the best depictions of a friendship that I've ever seen. Don't you, do you know what I mean?

36:52Like when I see, when you guys meet at the pool and you start talking, that is one of the best depictions of how a real friendship forms in cinema. What do you bench? Yeah, but you know what I mean? I just, I've always loved that part of the movie and then to watch you go through that whole thing together, I thought was the real heart of the movie. Thank you. Thank you very much, Conan. You know, Paul Anderson used to laugh all the time after the movie was done. By the way, there's a new 70-millimeter print of that movie, which if you get a chance to see it, it's a revelation. But anyway, he goes, you started off the day with Dirk saying, you know, what do you bench?

37:30People tell me I look like Han Solo. By the end of that day, you're saying, want to hear a poem I wrote? That's great, but what an arc in one day. and then of course when you guys are writing a song together oh yeah i always go back to that and i always want you to i want to hear more of that song yeah well i don't know if you really want to hear more no no i don't you worked with you've worked with everybody you worked with daniel day lewis in gangs of new york and i have to ask you about that because um i i'm just in awe of that guy and curious what he's really like. I've always heard he's extremely method.

38:13Yes, very, very method. In fact, on that movie, he got pneumonia because he would not wear a warm coat on the set. He would only wear his costume. And it was freezing cold when we were shooting in Italy. But for some reason, he got pneumonia. Anyway, he had a little son at the time. And I had a little son at the time and he said and somehow I got word through intermediaries uh Daniel would like to invite you to the house this weekend with your son because his son is here and blah blah blah I was like okay wow you could have asked me himself but okay and uh so I go to this house that he's living in outside of Rome and he's so lovely we walk and he's like oh hello John would would you like a cup of tea?

39:01And now the kids are in the back. And is there anything else? Like the most gentle, really just hospitable guy. And I was like, wow, I had this guy pegged all wrong. So the kids play. We had this lovely time. And I did have a cup of tea with them. And just the most gentle soul. And then on Monday, I went to work. and I was like I'm in with Daniel I was at his house this weekend our kids play you know and I saw him in like walking around the dressing rooms and I was like hey I want to say thanks a lot for the Saturday it was really lovely and he goes fuck off Jack he calls me my character's name in his accent And I was like, oh, right, right.

39:56Never mind. Never mind. There's something about that guy. He has this, like, I don't know if I could probably take him or at least get a couple of good shots in. Sure. I say that about everybody. Yeah. And I'm always wrong. Now that I think about it, he trained for the boxer. Probably, he'd probably knock him out immediately. But anyway, but physically, you look at him, you're like, I have a shot against that guy. But there's something about him, this violence that's coursing just under the eyeballs. So you're like, oh, fuck, I do not want to be in a fight with that guy. I do not want to fight him.

40:30So he has this menace. Apparently he's, like, making shoes now or something. One of the shows that I shot, this travel show that's on, not Netflix, sorry, Netflix, but Max. Netflix is a joke. Nice. And they immediately shut us down. but one of the episodes was in was in this part we were in this little town in Ireland on the sea and we're there to shoot something at a lighthouse and someone says oh yeah Daniel Day-Lewis lives in this town and he makes shoes like the greatest actor in the world and I really wanted to go in there and just buy a pair of shoes from Daniel Day-Lewis and then return them five minutes later not quite what I wanted try again take two take two on my loafers I really respect that though because you know in all seriousness being an actor you know if you play the violin the violin gets a little banged up gets fucked up you take it to the luthier and sorry I'm swearing a lot if there's children here you take it to the luthier and they fix the violin but when you're an actor you're the violin and you get knocked around and your heart gets broken.

41:51And even though you're only, you know, like when you drink Diet Coke, your body still has a diabetic response because it thinks it's sugar. Well, when you pretend to do traumatic things, your body thinks it's real and your soul thinks it's real. So there's a lot of baggage. So I actually really respect Daniel and I completely understand the craving for a simpler life where you just work on stuff and no one's asking you to change clothes and, you know.

42:25I heard, because I'm such a, you know, Lincolnophile, that on the set of Lincoln, and I thought his depiction of Abraham Lincoln was insanely good, just like the Abe I knew. Yeah, exactly. What do you have to compare it to? I know, I know. It's so stupid. Oh, I looked at my money and then I was like, that's good. Looks like the guy on the insurance company. That's a fiver. But no, he was just so amazing, but I've always heard that in the death scene, like that he stayed in Lincoln the whole time and that people were saying things like, you know... Like they embalmed him? No, no, no. He insisted.

43:03He wanted to be embalmed, and they did. He was very sick for a long time afterwards. That'll make you retire. But just, you know, people would say, like, did you see it on TV last night? Well, I don't much about this television you're talking... You know, he was doing that for months, I guess. And then he dies at the end of the movie. Spoiler alert. And then he had to come out of it, which is so intense. Yeah, you know, when I was working with him, I thought like, man, that's a lot of work to do that much off camera. Yeah. But whatever it takes, you know, every actor is different. Some people can just kind of clown around and then turn it on, and some people need to live it or else they feel like total douchebags.

43:42I don't mind being a douche. I seriously I would be the kind of actor I'm not an actor but if I was I would just be the kind that just tell me am I smiling or am I frowning in this scene faster or slower faster or slower smiling or frowning and have the lines right off camera I love you I hate you and Oscar I gotta tell you it ain't that different than what you just described I have to say I want to talk to you about your show, which is incredible. It's a live show, Mr. Romantic. That's right. I know you've been doing it at Largo, which is one of the greatest venues. You're home away from home.

44:25I love Largo, and you've been doing this show. And tell me about the show, because it really sounds magical. Well, Mr. Romantic is a thing I started doing a little over a year ago. After I finished this big TV job, I was like, I need to do something that means something to me. And I was looking at the world, and I was full of despair and joy.

44:48But mostly despair, let's be real. Been a real doozy of a couple of years, hasn't it, folks? Yeah, it has been. Anyway, I thought, I'm not good at picketing or whatever, get out the vote thing. But God bless you if you're doing that, because it's important. But I'm like, what can I do? And I was like, I can make people laugh. I can dance a little bit. I can sing songs. So I created this vaudeville show called Mr. Romantic. And it's essentially like this mythical character that comes out of a box and it says, hello, I'm Mr. Romantic. I don't remember what happened before. All I know is when I come out of it, all I know is I have to stay in that box.

45:28And when I come out of that box, I have to put on a show. And I don't have to go back into the box if I can get one person to love me forever. And then I proceed to do this show. I sing all these unrequited love songs, and I goof around. I go out into the audience, and I try to meet people, and I fail over and over again. But somehow, at the end of it, people walk out feeling like really nourished in their souls, you know? And that was the whole point of doing it. I hope you come see it sometime. Yeah, there's a lot of, I mean, you're very... It's kind of an extension of Mr. Cellophane. Yes. I was going to say that.

46:06Mr. Cellophane. Where my theater people at. A lot. Music's a big part of your life. It is. And I've actually hung out backstage, and I've run into you randomly at some music venues where it's just clear like, okay, we both love music. We both love the same kind of music. Jack White. Jack White. and i noticed you did you know one of his tunes he must have given you special permission we did we did but when we started the podcast i thought that is the perfect song for the podcast so had the luxury of having his number and called up and asked if we could do it i sent him a video from my dressing room here complaining about the couch and how it was upholstered because i don't know if you know but jack had an upholstery company when he was younger and he was he was an upholsterer and apprenticed to an upholsterer and upholsterer for the early part of his life, as most rock musicians are.

47:04And when he retires, that's what he'll go back to do. Yeah. Just like Daniel Day. But you have a band, right? Yeah. It's a folk band. Well, yes, that's another band. I haven't done that in a little while, but John Reilly and friends, yeah, we do like bluegrass and old Americana kind of tunes. But I'm fully committed to Mr. Romantic right now, and I do have an amazing quartet of musicians David Garza, Sebastian Steinberg, Gabe Wisher, who was in the Punch Brothers. But David and Sebastian were on Fiona Apple's last record. So it's a real Cracker Jack outfit I got behind me. I haven't heard Cracker Jack outfit in a very long time.

47:42We're a real Cracker Jack outfit we are. Wait till I get to Moxie. I also want to compliment your style for years now. Look at this man's style.

47:59Yeah. Yeah, all right. Give him the ass. Work it. You know, I was on Ellen DeGeneres once, and for some reason, beforehand, this is going to cause some fucking viral shit. I'm warning you. That's all right. But I was on Ellen DeGeneres' show, and beforehand, they asked me in the pre-interview, like, what would you say is your best attribute? Like, physical attribute. you and I was like I hate myself I don't I don't have any favorite things and then I was like give him an answer and I was like well a couple people said you have a nice butt you know like and then they asked me like 15 other questions and then I got out there with Ellen and she's like I heard you have a quite a nice butt may I see it wow and I was like wait a minute and I stood up on national television and did this

49:05I was wearing these baggy old jeans I looked like I had no butt it looked terrible but I walked away from that I was like what if I was a girl and she was a guy. How would that go down? But do you have a nice butt? I do have a very nice butt. I don't. I have no ass. And Sona, you've seen this. You haven't seen the actual ass itself. No, I haven't seen the actual. No, no, no, no. I haven't seen it. No, I was making it. No. Listen, there was a time there. No. No. No. No, not that. There was a time when you were my assistant. Yes. When literally you'd be there, I'd be like, you know, whatever. boxer briefs or whatever, and you would say...

49:48You have not cleared this up. What are you doing? Stop talking. This is the viral moment right here. You know what? You should show everyone your ass so that they know... No, there's nothing there. There's no ass. Yeah! Oh, it's less.

50:12How's that feel? I loved it. I felt for the first time validated about my body my point Sona was that you had a lot of fun about the fact that I clearly had nothing back there it's a straight drop it might even go in a little there's a shelf and I keep rare coins and Hummel figurines it's a negative ask the cliffs of Dover

50:42and just as white Chalky white. Chalky white right down to the sea. But you also wear hats. I'm not a hat guy. Yeah. I just can't pull off a hat. You look fantastic. Thank you very much. Yeah, well, I always loved hats when I was a kid, which is kind of an actor cliche a little bit, like being into hats. My dad had this one black felt hat that looked like a robber. We used to call it the robber's hat. And when my dad, he kept it in this closet and this very high shelf. And when he would leave the house, he'd be like, let's play with the robber's hat. So I don't know, it was one of those things.

51:21You probably have something like this, like a thing you couldn't have when you were a kid. And when you got some money, you're like, I'm getting the hats. You know, like that was me. For me, it's guns. Lots of guns. I have so many guns everywhere. Oh, dear. I am definitely not a gun guy.

51:44I remember when I was a kid, I just wanted the nerdiest things. I mostly wanted, like, I want a briefcase to keep papers in. With a handcuff on the handle. But I had no papers, and I also wanted stamps to stamp papers. And, like, other kids were out, you know, throwing a football around, and I was like, I've got to get through these papers. and the papers did nothing. And I was like, stamp, stamp. I've got some stamps. And I used to say, I'll be at my desk. And I was just, my dream was to be a mid-level bureaucrat in like Soviet-era Russia. Yeah, you should have grown up in the Soviet class. Well, we'll see.

52:29We'll come back tomorrow. I'll talk to the directorate. Stamp, stamp. Did you ever have a thing when you were young where you lied about something so much that you started to believe yourself that it was true? I convinced myself and a number of my friends that I was getting a chimpanzee. They're like, what? I'm like, yep, my parents are getting me one for my birthday. No way, where are you going to keep it? And I was like, keep lying. We're going to build a habitat in my bedroom. And I said it so many times, I was like, I actually am going to get a chimpanzee. This is a real, it could happen. Like, didn't happen.

53:09And it turns out they're very dangerous once they grow up. Oh, no. Tear your face off. Tear your face off. You can't have a chimpanzee. No. I did a scene. Well, I did, in fact, I think we shot some of it here. This movie, Walk Hard. Yeah. This movie, Walk Hard. I had so many crazy days on that movie. And one day, I made out with Cheryl Ladd, Cheryl Teagues. Wow. A playboy playmate, this is all on the same day, and a chimpanzee. It was a little baby chimpanzee. And it was like this scene where I'm like, oh, you know, I was supposed to be like, I've lost everyone. All I have left is my monkey, like Elvis or whatever, you know.

53:52Elvis had a monkey called, a chimpanzee called Scatter. I do know that. Because he would make everyone run away, reaching up their skirts and stuff anyway. Gross. He went to jail, that chimp. Don't worry about it. No, it's much sadder, actually. I know this. I can't believe I know these stories, too. That's the saddest part. Everything. The minute you brought up Elvis' chimp, I'm like, yeah, Scatter. Yeah, he used to lift up skirts at parties. What happened to Scatter? Everybody wants to know. Scatter froze to death in his cage outside of Graceland because the housekeepers refused to deal with him after a while.

54:26Oh. Sorry. But anyway, about my story. Hold it. I want to brighten that up just a little bit. Before Scatter froze to death, when Elvis and his Memphis Mafia were living in Beverly Hills, they thought it was really funny. They bought a tricked-out car that had a fake steering wheel, and they put Scatter behind the wheel, and someone else controlled the car, and they would drive through Beverly Hills, and it looked like Scatter was driving a car, a real car, through Beverly Hills. And any chimp that can have that experience... Look, so he froze to death. I still think he had a good... Good ride.

55:05Thank you. And applause and out. Well, I'll try to keep this story quick now. I can't believe you're the only person I know that will talk about this shit with me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wait till we get to the Beatles.

55:21They had an alpaca. Yeah, the whole Maharishi scene. That was wild. So I'm doing this scene in Walk Hard. There's this little chimpanzee, and the thing in the script was written like, he's so low he's like all I have left is you bubbles or whatever and that was Michael Jackson's chimp don't worry only happy memories there sweet pea any shot you take hits the mother load so this was a very cute very young chimpanzee with a little pink face and a little you know and I don't know what his name was I don't remember now, but... Harvey Weinstein.

56:07He's doing it, so why can't I throw one out? Oh, God. Oh, boy. I'm not touching that one. Great name for an animal. No, so the scene was supposed to be this thing. All I have is you. Thank you for still being my friend. And we did a couple takes like that, and it was really cute. And I love chimpanzees, you know? And Jay Kazin, the director, comes up to me. And he's like, John, you know, with how cute the chimp is and how sentimental what you're saying is, it's like marshmallow on marshmallow. It's just not funny. It's not really playing. How about you go after him? So I ended up improvising this line like, fuck you, scatter.

56:45All you care about is touching yourself and eating fruit. You never supported me either. And I suddenly turned in an angry way on this little chimp. And he goes like this.

56:59and then runs away. And they're like, oh, we got to do another one. If I do another, and they're like, a chimp is not hiding in the back of the bus that we're shooting on. I know, it was awful. I felt, believe me, I really thought. Another chimp froze to death. This one just got his feelings hurt and chilling at the back of an air-conditioned bus. There's proportionality here. And he wouldn't come back. And the trainer was like, you have to apologize to him. And I was like, oh, absolutely. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. We're still friends. We're actors, you see. And that part, he was just like, their eyes, by the way, when you look in their eyes, it's freaky.

57:43It really is like a human, there's human eyes in there. Oh. I don't know why I reacted that way. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I reacted like that. Don't need to apologize. It's a normal conversation. what if i what should he have bird-like eyes you know anyway we had to do a couple more takes and finally he kept he kept going when i would turn on him and i was like why does he keep smiling and he's like that's not smiling john he's about to bite you i was okay okay we're done with that scene anyway it's in the movie i think so he but you were never attacked by no no i felt bad, but I made up with him.

58:30Yep. He was alright. Although he's a little like, who the fuck are you now? Yeah. Do you guys ever hang now, now that it's all behind you? No, I don't think it's really a thing that's allowed anymore. What? Honestly. I think there's laws about animals and the way you can use them in filming situations. I don't think that's allowed. I'm 100 % behind that, by the way. I thought you meant you're not allowed to befriend an animal? That's a union rule? No, you can't, like, keep a baby chimp in a truck and be like, all right, bring him out and have John be mean to him. That's not allowed anymore. Yeah, well, better times.

59:06Different times, folks. I want to make sure I get the word out. More information and tickets for Mr. Romantic can be found at mrromantic.com. You know, when we do these live shows in a big venue, I always think you need the right kind of guest. And when I found out that it was a possibility that you would do it, I was like, thank the Lord. I would call a cross broken glass for you. You're fantastic. You're a great raconteur. You're a fantastic actor, and you've been a good friend to me, and I appreciate it. Thank you, Connor. Ladies and gentlemen, there's no one better, John C. Rowley!

59:49I do love that man. I really do. It took everything in me not to bring up Step Brothers. I know, I know. Yeah, because that movie is so important to my life. It took everything for me not to bring up the first chimp that went into space. What happened to the first chimp that went into space? Take a guess. He didn't come back. I didn't know that. I think he's still out there. Yeah. Well, he is. He might be alive. No. Oh. Wait, you have to, you can't just say that and then move on. What did you guys do the whole time you kept talking about dead chimps? I didn't know there was a chimp. Who sent it up there?

1:00:24The US? The Soviets? Who sent it up? I think we both did, didn't we? We gotta do the chimp before... What? It goes like mouse, dog, chimp, human. You gotta do chimp before you do human. Right? Yeah, you gotta make sure the chimp came back. But I thought the chimps all came back. I don't think so. I don't think they did. Well, no, I'm not sure. No, I think the chimps came back. Did the chimps come back? No, they didn't. What kind of people are you? This is Wikipedia. Yeah. We have a recreation of Wikipedia. right here. Okay, well, maybe they didn't come back. Maybe they crash-landed, thought they were safe in Elvis' yard.

1:01:02Oh. Sorry. See, that's kind of one of those O. Henry endings where they think we're okay now. And then they freeze to death later after being forced to perform at parties. Look, I think you're going to think about that on the ride home and really enjoy it. You got a chimp. It's a chimp. And a lot of laughs here, they can't all be winners. Okay, well, we have a nice little thing where we have some pre-selected voicemails that we're going to take from the audience. Okay, these are real voicemails that are going to happen right now. Yeah. Piper. Hi, Piper. How are you? Is it on? Oh. Yes, yes. It would be kind of stupid if it didn't work.

1:01:40Yes. Hi, Piper. How are you? I'm good. How are you? This is awesome. Oh, thank you for being here. Nice to have you here. Yes, amazing. Should I just ask the question? Sure, yeah. Nice to meet you. Okay, so nice to meet you, first of all. Nice to meet you, too, Piper. Can I ask where you're from? I'm from here, Los Angeles, Culver City. Very nice, very nice. We love it. Fun fact about me, I work at a trendy grocery store called Erewhon. I don't know if you've heard of it. Yes. I've had your$90 carrot. Oh, good. What'd you think? Worth every$90 I spent on it. I go to Erewhon and just look and go like, oh my God, this is incredible.

1:02:19That's$47.99 per minute. Exactly, yeah. And then you have to co-sign a loan. But it's quite fantastic. My hat's off to this incredible thing you guys have done with food. It's a fun time to work there. So as an Air One employee, I'm curious about your smoothie taste. We already have Hailey Bieber's Skin Glaze smoothie, and we also have Olivia Rodrigo's Good For Your Guts smoothie. And we might need another one soon. Yeah, because everyone wants to know my beauty secret. Well, there you go. How can I look like Conan O 'Brien? without having a car accident.

1:02:58I can't wait. I can't wait till you guys have a Conan O 'Brien smoothie and then all the 17 and 18-year-old women show up. Well, that's my question, Conan. If they were to make a Conan O 'Brien smoothie, what would be the name of it and what would be inside? Okay. I don't know what... Oh, the catechai. Yeah, let's call it the catechai.

1:03:22I would just throw the health thing out the window. I think if I... Oh. Yeah, I would just not go for that. I would take a whole loaf of bread and grind it down. And then I'd put like bolognese sauce in there. Oh, God. And Miracle Whip. Oh. Everything that I had as a kid, you know? And I would just... That I would sit and watch, you know, television in my... Cap 'n Crunch. Cap 'n Crunch with Crunch Berries. And I would put all that in there and grind it up. But then tell everybody, oh, it's tapioca, and it's made of, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow smiled at it. And it costs$900. And then you eat it, and your cholesterol goes through the roof.

1:04:05And you're only 19, but they have to put a stent in your heart.

1:04:11That's evil. Oh, yeah, I know. Who did you think you were talking to? St. Mr. Rogers This is Conan of Hot Ones Conan episode I should have expected Exactly, yeah No, I think it would be a very unhealthy smoothie and probably not worthy of Erewhon Well, I'll make sure to tell my manager Thank you I'm sure your manager is a regular fan and we'll hear this Hi, I'm a naive idiot Alright Well, very nice to meet you Piper That's a great question Thank you very much Actually, I do try to be healthy and I put two fistfuls of spinach into a blender every day and a little pea protein and other stuff, and I just lost you.

1:04:51No, you didn't. It's just the way you did, like, two fistfuls of spinach. I didn't do that? Sexualizing it. I didn't do that. I never did that. You did. Did I do that? He did that. No, I didn't say I take two fistfuls. Yes. And then I jam them up my rectum. Swirl my ass around. What the hell? I didn't do that. You did. You did that. You did that. No, you did that. People are saying you did that. Stop her, guys. Both of you, stop it. She's nodding. You did that. This man has a right to be heard. Okay, I'm sorry. He's waiting patiently at the fake microphone. You're Jatin. Yes. Congratulations. Jatin, how are you?

1:05:26I'm good. I've come here all the way from New Delhi, India, just to see you guys. No, you didn't. Did you really? Yes. You came from New Delhi? Wow. This is like that time we had the guy from Denmark. Yeah, that's right. All the way from... Oh, no. Oh, no. How's he going to come back up here?

1:05:48Honestly. Honor. A real honor. Thank you. It's an honor to meet you. I've been watching you since 10th grade, so this has taken 26 years to finally be here. See you live. I don't know what to say. That's crazy to me. That really... I want to say your name correctly. Jatin. Jatin. That means everything to me. Seriously. that anyone would let someone that young watch the show. They used to air it on CNBC in India. They aired it on CNBC? Until the government intervened, I'm sure. And said, this must stop. Well, I mean, I used to watch it while studying for my exams, and my father wouldn't know there was a TV in that space.

1:06:35And on the weekends, they would air your show. In the beginning, I didn't get the jokes. but eventually okay Jatin I mean after there's a thing in America where we stop when we when the fun stuff is over we stop and then we don't keep going to the part that's not so good no but it went down and I'll tell you something that was not a language barrier there's really nothing to get with some of that stuff no I I loved everything on the late show a late night show and then when I got to college I came to US and I came to New York I stood in line to get a pass, a stand-by ticket to your show. I couldn't.

1:07:14I got a pass to Last Call with Carson Daly. I didn't go for that.

1:07:21But ever since then, I lied to everyone back home that I actually saw you live. I've been saying that for over 20 years. Now I can mean it. Do you want to get a picture? How can we prove to people that... You can send this to people and they'll just say, who's that weird woman you're with?

1:07:51Did you have a question or? Yes, I did. Was this just a cheap ploy to get that photo? Well, I mean, I did come all the way, so. So back in India, I do a bunch of things. I produce comic book conventions called Comic-Con India. I publish books, comics I've even produced television shows But all of that has been a stepping stone To my main goal Which is to produce my own Bollywood movie Oh wow And I'm actually there now You're going to produce a Bollywood movie? Yes, I'm actually reading scripts True fact So I want to ask you Do you want to star in my Bollywood movie? Yes, I do

1:08:32Yes, I do Because Yes, I do It'll be our debut together Jatin, let me just say one thing And I'm totally 100 % serious Let's turn towards the crowd Because they're the ones watching This is a historic moment Yes This is a historic moment Because this marks the death of your film career Jatin, I very much would be so thrilled And honored to be in your movie I want you to be a success I do not think I should be the star Of your Bollywood movie And I'm saying this as a friend now. You're my best friend from India now. So, first of all, I know you have some visa problems in India. Sort it out.

1:09:17Okay. That's actually true. It's a long story. It doesn't really involve me. But years and years and years ago, we filmed a bit. And it was actually a very funny bit where one of our writers, Andy Blitz, had a hard time with his computer. and decides to take it to the call center and travels holding the computer on the plane. And it was a really, in a lot of ways, really brilliant bit. But we forgot, or he forgot, or someone forgot to get all the paperwork done. And so we're on some bad list with the Indian government, which, you know, I've tried to reassure them. No, no, no, no, Andy Blitz is long gone.

1:09:59I've had him killed. Your team can contact me. It's all sorted. What are you talking about? Why should I... I shouldn't be... Let's talk about... Let's stop talking about paperwork, for God's sakes, Jatin. We've got an audience here. I should not be the star. I should be a quick comic turn. No, no, no. Come out. I'm going to act a little kooky. I'll tell you why. Because you're tall, handsome, great hair. No, Jatin. No, no, no. Jatin, take a closer look.

1:10:26I don't mind.

1:10:32That's an old Irish head and it's rotting fast, Jadhin. No, no, so... It's not getting better every day, it's getting worse. Some of our biggest actors are right at your age and they're still the most popular actors. Also, also... What do you mean, at my age? Also, I... Have you researched how old I am? Kind of, yeah. But also, I want to tell you, we have, in India, we have an unhealthy attraction to being fair. You would be the fairest of them all, for sure.

1:11:03I'm... I... You know what? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm going to move heaven and earth to try and help you with this. I really am. Yeah. But... You know, we'll try and figure it out because my time is so valuable. I'm kidding. I have so much time. No, because, you know, you were on Hot Ones recently and I saw the whole gamut of emotions. Hot ones. Yeah, so you can do drama. I'm not too old, but old. And you thought I tolerated hot sauce as well. No, but... And you want me to be the star of your movie. You went through a range of emotions. So you can add. I mean, you can bring it, you know.

1:11:41So I'm willing to finish. Diane, what's the name of the movie? Well, I mean, we're still working on that. But the star needs to be on the sign first, you know. Then we can get to the script. We can customize it. You are so full of shit right now. There is no movie. There's a van.

1:12:04You know what? Let's get your information. And I would love to try and make this happen. But you know what I'll say? Whatever happens with us, and I say this sincerely, it means, I don't know why, but for some reason, trying to connect with people in any way means the world to me. And the fact that you saw me when you were 10 and saw something in all that foolishness and that we connected and that now we're here is magic. So thank you so much. Matt, I know you edit the show. Please do keep everything in. If you can share the clip, I can prove to people I met. I promise you I will keep it in. Wait, you're interfering with the editing of this podcast.

1:12:49Nice to meet you, Dussona. Nice to meet you, too. Just stay out of my podcast. I'm kind of trying to get on Conan News Effect, too. You just went a little too far. All right, I think we should... I mean, that's such a high note. I think we need to say goodbye to everybody. Thank you, Jahan. Me. Take her out. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

1:13:24Let me help you. Oh, shit! All right, Jesus Christ. Matt Gorley just whispers in my ear, the last guy drove 2 ,000 miles to be here. So we're not done. Get him down here. Yeah! Where is this man? He's still driving here. My God. Hello. Closer to the mic. Hello. Yes, you can take it out and you can hold it up to your mouth. You're allowed to do that. You drove 2 ,000 miles to be here? Yes. So... Wait, do I owe you money? Your whole attitude is not joy. But like, yeah. Yes. Remember me?

1:14:17Jesus, look at his whole pose. Do we even have security? Oh, my God. Are you a bounty hunter? What did I do to you? I'm just happy to be here after the last guy. So that's... So, yeah. So my wife and I right here, we just celebrated... You just gestured to 10 ,000 people. Hi. How are you? This beautiful redhead woman. Hi. How are you? We celebrated our 29th anniversary on the 5th. Oh! Happy anniversary. Thank you. and uh for that we scheduled this show but we had some extra time and so uh we were in orlando at the time we split time between utah and orlando that's that's where we come from and uh apparently that's pretty hilarious no no it's probably under the more facts than we need but it's cool It's good We're all good We're all friends here

1:15:13And So We decided to take a drive We went up to Oregon We're going all the way down the coast Oh you get to look at the Old Pacific You see all that Saw the Redwoods What'd you guys talk about?

1:15:40We just listened to Conan O 'Brien the whole time. That's what we did.

1:15:47So, as you've all been amazed at what I'm doing for my anniversary, my question was, I'll get to that. Take your time. I'll get to that eventually. The last guy just may be the star of a fucking Bollywood movie. I mean, literally, the biggest firework in the world in the history of live podcasts blew up. And then you're like, no, it's not over yet. I took a drive.

1:16:24Conan, we're huge fans. Oh. Let me go on and on. Thank you. No, we started watching you back in 1996 when our oldest daughter was very, very young and we'd wake up at night to take care of her. That's nice. And you were our only friend on the television. Oh. And so since then, we've been huge fans. We went to your show in New York in 2007 and now we're here. That's very sweet. That's very sweet and I appreciate that. Okay. I do. I believe you. I meant that. That's sweet. I want to acknowledge that. That's meaningful to me. I'm happy that it is. Thank you. I'm serious. What the fuck is going on?

1:17:07I don't know what's happening anymore. I'm a big star in India. I'm no longer welcome at Erewhon. And you have some sport to settle. Okay, so you have a question. Let's go. I do have a question. So my question is, Conan I'm in the this is my listening very carefully yes not distracting what what is what is the worst possible way to celebrate a major anniversary with your partner oh well you are you are skating very close to it yourself it's this moment right now yeah You drove 2 ,000 miles to tell an anecdote on a podcast. What's the worst way? The worst way. I don't know, Matt. Someone, I don't know the worst way.

1:18:09What's the worst? Doing someone else. What? Sona! Doing someone else. It's to the point. I think that's the right answer. Doing someone else. Yeah. And wait, while you're looking at your partner? Are they in the room and you're like, and you're looking at them? Well, for some people, that might be a kink. That would be for me, yeah. Yeah, but if it's the worst... Well, it would be. If it's the worst, that means that you're, you know, you're cheating. Yeah. You're fucking someone else. Okay, so we understood. We got it. We're all right. All right. This is also simulcast on Nickelodeon. Take it easy.

1:18:50I think she has the answer, doing someone else. That is terrible. What's that? That is terrible. It is very bad. Yes. You're a pretty chill guy, aren't you? You take life as it comes. I like this guy. I do like you, too. What's the plan now? You've, I mean, you've come here, you've asked me the question, and what do you do now? And not, like, in detail. We're gonna go home. I wish you a great trip and happy anniversary. Woo! Hey everybody, thank you. I don't know why, I don't know what we did in a previous life, but we do have the funniest, coolest, most amazing fans. Thank you very much for being here.

1:19:39I want to thank Sonam Obsessian. Matt Gourley. Let's hear it for the best band that could ever help any man.

1:19:59You know, it's been an incredible night. John C. Reilly's a friend, and it was so nice to connect with him. But then to meet some of you,

1:20:11and then to get to sing this song without having to pay for it, because I know the guy who wrote it.

1:20:22Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school. Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park and by the tree. We will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found. Safely walk to school without a sound Safely walk to school without a sound Here we are, no one else We walk to school all by ourselves There's dirt on our uniforms We're playing with the ants and worms We climb up and now it's time to learn We clean up and now it's time to learn We don't notice any time pass We don't notice anything We sit side by side in every class Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she likes it when you sing tonight I'll dream when I'm in bed Silly thoughts run through my head About the bugs in alphabet When I wait tomorrow I'll bet you and I will walk together again.

1:21:57I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell we are going to be friends.

1:22:18You guys are great. Thank you so much. Look for my new movie coming out soon from Bollywood. Take it easy, everybody.

1:22:30Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:22:51Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.