In short
Podcast Episode Notes: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - John Mulaney Returns Again
Episode Overview
- Podcast Title: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
- Episode Title: John Mulaney Returns Again
- Recorded On: August 7, 2023
- Description: John Mulaney discusses his feelings about friendship, the financing of art, childhood attention-seeking behavior, and shares moments from early morning wiffle ball games with his son. Conan also presents a long-awaited gift for Matt Gourley's birthday.
--- Key Themes and Discussions
Friendship and Connection
- John Mulaney expresses complex feelings about his friendship with Conan O'Brien, humorously redacting his true sentiments.
- The episode explores the nature of friendships formed through celebrity interactions and the desire for genuine connections beyond the spotlight.
Childhood and Attention-Seeking Behavior
- Both Conan and John reflect on their childhoods, discussing:
- Their desperate need for attention as children.
- John shares a humorous anecdote about faking a limp to garner attention in church.
- Conan reveals his jealousy over the attention received by a boy with brain cancer from a book they read in school.
Parenting and Simplicity
- Mulaney describes his experiences as a father, emphasizing:
- The joy found in simple moments with his son, including playing wiffle ball.
- The humor in their shared adventures, like watching garbage trucks together.
- The transformation in his thought process as a parent, focusing on the simplicity and joy found in everyday activities.
Artistic Financing and Critique
- The conversation touches on the mysteries of how art gets funded, with John expressing a keen interest in the financial aspects of movie production.
- They humorously critique the lack of extras in low-budget films, indicating that budget constraints affect the final product.
The Podcast Dynamic
- Conan and John engage in a playful, bantering dynamic reminiscent of siblings, showcasing their rapport and mutual respect.
- Mulaney’s ability to articulate shared childhood experiences resonates with Conan, allowing for lighthearted reflection on their pasts.
Humor and Performance
- The episode is filled with comedic bits, references to pop culture, and candid exchanges that highlight both men's comedic styles.
- John and Conan showcase their trademark humor while discussing serious topics, blending levity with insight.
--- Key Takeaways
- Friendship Matters: The podcast emphasizes the importance of forming authentic connections, especially in the entertainment industry.
- Childhood Reflections: Both hosts explore how their childhood experiences shaped their current identities, revealing the lasting impact of seeking attention.
- Parenthood Changes Perspective: Parenting provides a new lens through which to view life, simplifying priorities and promoting joy in small moments.
- Art and Commerce: The discussions around financing art highlight the often-overlooked business side of creative industries.
--- Memorable Quotes
- John Mulaney on his childhood attention-seeking: “I remember telling my mom exactly what I wanted at my funeral… I was crestfallen.”
- Conan on parenting: “I’m just picturing you bringing her in a stroller to a public court in New York City.”
--- Conclusion The episode illustrates the deep bond between Conan O'Brien and John Mulaney, enriched by humor, shared experiences, and candid conversations about friendship, parenting, and the art world. Their playful banter offers listeners both laughter and relatable insights into life’s more profound themes.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:03Hi, I'm John Mulaney and I feel feeling redacted until later in episode about being back to school ring the bell brand new shoes walk and lose climb the fence books and pens i can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Quiet. I'm just waiting for you to be done. You done? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a podcast and we talk. Okay, Jabbers. Never mind. We talk when we go. Oh, okay. Well, okay, you could go. And go. Echo. Okay. You guys are idiots. Okay, go. Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. As if any of that earlier stuff is not going to make it in.
1:01Sana was trying to get the last word before we started, but then I did. But you're the mature one. It's not like it matters to you. What? You had to mention that you won. The important thing is that I won. Okay. And you lost. Okay. Because I started the podcast before you could say and go. I said it kind of quietly. And you're going to keep that in? Absolutely. You know what's crazy is that this is how childish. I'm an elderly man. And... But I remember we used to do this thing at the show, at the late night show, where I would tag Sona and then head down to rehearsal and she would tear after me.
1:41Yes. And I would run full tilt. You would try and touch me back before I would get... And this is... We were adults. Yeah. Full-on adults. You would lock yourself in your bathroom, in your dressing room. Yes. And then they'd be telling me you have to come out and do the show. And I'd say, make sure Sona's not there so she can't tag me before. So dumb. Someone diagnosed this. It's idiocy. It is really stupid. And I won most of the time. That's not true. That's not true. I know it's not. Yeah. Which one of you is more pathetic? Conan. I'm going to say me. Oh, no, come on. It's not fun when we agree.
2:17No, it's definitely me. I'm older. I was the host of the show. And I used to try and think of ways that I could be assured of a win. I thought once of putting a mild acid in a squirt gun and firing it at you if you got too close. Like a mild acid that would just create like a first or second degree burn, maybe a third. Well, we've always been like very brother, sister. And Danny and I used to do this where, you know, my mom would be like, don't, don't hit your sister. And usually he'll be like, he'll put his finger an inch away from my arm. And he'd be like, I'm not touching her. I'm not touching her.
2:48And it would absolutely drive me insane. Yeah, I think it's definitely a brother-sister thing. And I have the tease gene. I like to... What? I'm sorry. This is a big coming out for me. But I do like to... Were you also a G's teen? Well, often, yes. I mean... Starting at around 15, yes. Anyway, the point being that it's definitely me. I'm the pathetic one. It was my problem. It was up to me to be the mature person. And of course, I couldn't do it. So, Sona, I'll take the fall for that one. I don't know. Give it to him. Let him take it. I don't like when you do that. I'm not doing it as a passive aggressive move.
3:31I'm saying. You know you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Until you acquiesce, then he'll make it passive aggressive. No, I'll be the pathetic. I'm the pathetic one. I'm pathetic. All right. Okay. No, come on, man. You're doing it. Look at your face. You're smiling at yourself. You're so proud of you and happy with yourself. If you could just put her saying I'm the pathetic one on a huge echo so it reverberates, I'd be quite happy. Normally I do not grant these requests, but that one, I will allow it. And take it away. That one was pathetic. All right, well, we should get going. We have an incredible guest today.
4:02Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely incredible guest. One of my favorite people. I say that sometimes. This time I really mean it. Do you think any of those people - My apologies to everyone else. Okay. my apologies to Dame Judi Dench gotta only get her on the show this gentleman is such such a I really respect his comedy mind his writing his abilities as a performer and as I just also think he's an incredible person I'm thrilled he's here
4:40my good friend John Mulaney welcome
4:46You can start whatever. It's that old chestnut. You always say mean things. Like I feel. Everyone says mean things. All the musicians say sincere things. I know. And the comedians say mean things. Yeah, it's okay. What are you getting? You're a very good musician. Thank you. Musicians never take. It is such a big fat t-ball of a moment, this blank space. And musicians go, and I feel thrilled. And you're like, that's what you fucking got? Also, I spent - And then comedians go like, I feel angry at this redhead prick. You know, like everyone has to pommel you from the beginning. It's fine. It's what I want.
5:28I feel quite excited. You know, okay. I'm a country western star and I feel deeply honored. Yeah, and I feel - And unworthy. Very pumped. Oh, okay. Well, now I'm really curious what this is going to be. Except for, of course, Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who set the record. And Questlove both went on for, did like 20-minute riffs that went all over the map. And we never got into a conversation. Right. Anyway, please, you start, and then we'll chat. And then we'll give you a second chance at it, because this isn't going to be good. Yeah, now I have the dilemma. I know, you really put yourself in a corner.
6:07And I put him in a corner. Well, I'm just excited to find out whether you're a musician or not. He's a great, he plays the liar. Hi, I'm John Mulaney and I feel cornered about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
6:24You know, you perpetually look cornered, you know? You think so? Yes, you look like you're, you always look like you've been backed into a corner. I feel, I always feel like Peter Lorre in M. Just a lot of, a lot of hands pointing at me. All right. Your eyes dart from right to left, sometimes left to right. Yeah. Peter, Peter, on this next take, 100 % less. 100 % less eyes darting around. Serial killers are supposed to feel some godlike quality. He is the most nervous serial killer of all time. Shit. I hope no one saw the murder. My friend Jeff Martin does, who wrote on The Simpsons with me, and we've been friends for years, he does a very specific impression, which is, you know, we all talk about older people trying to catch up to the culture and the culture shifted so rapidly in the 60s that stars suddenly didn't, were confused.
7:19So he does an impression of Peter Lorre in 1964, months before he dies, and he's traveled the world. He's entertained kings and queens. He knows everybody. He's very continental. He's, you know, but things are changing rapidly and he's watching, he's sitting in his armchair watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. And kids are screaming and these guys with putting haircuts are going, and everyone's losing their minds and Peter Lorre's watching it at home. And he says, what's happening? And I think about that a lot because that's how, that's how I feel now, Conan O 'Brien, age 60, watching things happen on, you know, YouTube stars and stuff.
8:05And I go, what's happening? You are Bob Hope in a Supremes wig. Yes. That's where you are in your career. You're like, this would be funny, right? This is what they want. You want this shit? My favorite is Frank Sinatra, I think was on an appearance on a variety show with The Fifth Dimension. Oh, yeah. And he's wearing a Nehru jacket. Yes. And like a goofy outfit. And he's doing a goofy sketch with The Fifth Dimension. and they're, you know, wearing, they're wearing caftans and they have afros. And then he's, you can tell. He's saying, I have to do this because Frank always wins. Frank always comes out on top and I am not losing to this new generation thing.
8:48I'm going to master it. This was also around the time he did a cover of John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane, which is a very melancholy song, but I think the way Frank interpreted it, leaving your wife on a plane is the greatest. So if you listen, he goes, cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. He's so excited about the trip. I don't know when the fuck I'll be back again. Ask Chili when I'll be back. My parents saw the fifth dimension. My parents saw the fifth dimension like 20 years ago up in Wisconsin. And I got back. How was it? They went rough. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Usually parents have a pretty low bar for entertainment.
9:33They go see it's just, oh, that was terrific. It's like, you know, Sona anytime I'm not this is not an attack, but Sona anytime there'd be a screening that I would go to because a guest was coming on. I would go and see the guest that set up a screening and I would go to watch the film so I could interview them the next day for the late night show. And you would always come with me. Yeah. And I, of course, would sometimes say, oh, that was pretty good. Often would say that was OK. and many times would say, man, that really didn't come together. Every single time, Sona would say, that was fantastic.
10:04Wow. And I'd say, really? And she'd say, yeah, I mean, people worked hard on that and they made it. That was your bar. That was my bar. If they made it, then it's really exciting for them. I'd say I give a lot, I'm a lot more on Sona's side on this one. Hey! The sheer raising of the money is impressive to me. You tricked, you tricked, you tricked some, I'm going to say it, Saudi into giving you millions of dollars to make. So do you also like Trump's super PACs? Do you also like those? Sure. No, because that's soft money from a few major donors. Okay. I would love it. I respect anyone's collected hard money, small donor dollars.
10:48John, you, I would love it if you started writing movie reviews because a lot of movie critics are quitting. they're famously quitting or saying I can't review it's just superhero movies and movies based on board games and dolls I'm out where's your mean streets where's your so a lot of people are getting out of it I would love it if you started writing movie reviews and they were all based on the financing oh my god that's all I think about you ever watch a movie and you notice like there's no extras they didn't have a dime Yeah. That's Vancouver and there's no extras. Just slowly. They work for Tim Horton's coffee and a pancake.
11:32Yeah. There's no extras. There's no one in this restaurant. I love that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Well, all right. I would absolutely. The money is the only interesting thing. Well, I truly let me let me think about that before I commit to it. Yep. Yep. Well, I love that because I remember you and I once watching On the Waterfront together and I started to talk about how God Brando and this is such a new style and look how Kazan shot it. And you really get a sense of the city. And you kept cutting me off and saying this was done on a shoestring. And you were very, very critical. That insert, that's not his hands.
12:13Yeah. That's someone else's hands. And you gave the movie zero stars out of five. Yeah. For use of money? Yeah. And you said black and white? Now, first of all, we never - I think line producers should review movies. And they go, that's an insert. That's half a day right there. That's a full day. I would love that. I would watch that any day. That's day for night. Yeah. I've always wanted to do a celebrity show that examines - You had a celebrity-driven talk show for a long time. Oh, I forgot. I thought the podcast was the start. I forget. I get the order wrong. You had a whole career. It's the end.
12:52Thank you. I asked someone, some friend of mine, I was hanging around. My wife has Wise Alec friends and we were hanging out one night. Wise Alec. Wise Alec. Come on, I come from a different era. The beginning of the world's worst stand-up routine. You know, my wife has Wise Alec. Or quite possibly the best. Quite possibly the best. A night with Conan. wise aleck wise aleck and even they have words for me and so i think it was when cameo was coming was first becoming big oh i said when would i do cameo and one of her friends said four years ago oh wow oh my god i was like all right i married well these people are assholes uh but i forgot what i was gonna say because it was really good oh it was so good if you had a celebrity show Oh, I want to do one where you open the books.
13:43It's called Open the Books. Yeah. And we take someone, say both of us knows, and we're just curious what's their nut. Oh my God, this is all I talk about. And, and. All you talk about. No, no, but it's I hike Fryman and bitch about money and wonder who has money and how. We've got to get together with Dana Carvey because he does this too. Well, no, I was going to tell you, Dana Carvey, and I think we've mentioned it here, but Dana Carvey is a master. He'll stare at me and he'll say, okay i think this is what you made on the show you didn't make that much the first couple of years but then when it took off i'm gonna bet you made this much and he's always close yeah and you'll go and okay i know you take care of people but no and then blah blah and i know okay then you okay now i know you sold the podcast company okay but i and i know you don't do you don't do corporate, but you also do this and then he'll come up.
14:37Yeah. And he's amazing at it. And so I get him to use that superpower on people that just confuse me because there are people, as you and I both know, in the business that they do okay, they get by and then they'll pull up in like a Rolls Royce. And I'll think, first of all, that's the wrong reference for a cool car now. So that's on me. Well, you, I said wise Alec. You've set the bar. Let's all make fun of Conan's oncoming dementia. But they'll pull up in like a brand new fancy car. And I'm just thinking, okay, I want to break it down. And if there was a show that broke it down and said, okay, let's break it down and find out how this person gets by.
15:18Because we all know how A-listers get by. But how do these people who occasionally show up in a show, but they also do some gigs, but then they still live the high life. How's that work? Yeah, it should be called secret money or overspending. So we bring in someone and we decide if they are making more than we realize or if they're spending beyond their means. Yeah. Because a lot of people do spend beyond their means. Well, the host of overspending is going to be John Levitz. Hello. Why did you buy a statue of a donkey that's made of gold? Jealous. There's always like you write speeches for Microsoft conventions or something.
15:58What I call revenue streams. There's something you don't know. There's something you don't know. Absolutely. Your little secret term is revenue stream. Revenue stream. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? You have a friend of your daughter staying with you, correct? Yes. What does she call you? She hasn't said my name. She just showed up last night. So she hasn't said, oh, hello, Mr. O 'Brien. Do the kids' friends call you Mr. O 'Brien? Well, I'm curious because, yes. Because that was something that started in grade school, is that apparently the word went out, you call parents Mr. O 'Brien or Mrs.
16:29O 'Brien. and they do that. And I used to think that's a little formal. I don't know that I need that. But the second a kid says, hey, Conan, I want to tear into their torso with like my sharpened nails. Pull their heart out and eat it in front of them. Maybe an overreaction or proportionate. Thank you. Proportionate. Yeah, the minute I heard, and my son once a number of years ago, when he was a little, realized that all he had to do was say my son is quite large now and older my son is in his late 50s but my my son said okay conan oh and he and i said like okay okay and he was like all right i'll try better conan wow like well it's you know i'm daddy you call me dad or daddy and he knew that it's it really does push a button he really big-timed you there yeah that's what about you What do you want kids to call you?
17:25Mr. Mulaney. Yes. Sometimes I say, call me Dr. O 'Brien. No. But you're not a doctor. I'm not. Do you have honorary degrees? I don't know. Who knows those things? He does. He does? Yeah. From Dartmouth. Dartmouth. That's pretty cool, huh? Why'd you laugh then? Why'd you laugh if it's so cool? It's great. You were expecting a different school, didn't you? It's great that Dartmouth gave you a... What's Cornell book then? Get the tissues. Get the tissues for Dom DeLuise.
18:02Was Cornell... Oh, wait. I went up the blooper reel on you ripping into different schools. I gave a speech there. It was not a prerequisite. I didn't ask for it. They gave it to me. You got a bachelor's or you got a doctorate? He got a doctorate. Wow. Was it? Arts or something? Yeah, arts. Of course, arts. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm a scientist. In my own way, I'm a scientist. You know, in the 1700s, you would have just taken over your dad's job and you would have been a scientist. Yes. Your dad would have dropped dead when you were 15. Yeah. Instead of still being alive. It's insane.
18:36Yeah. It is insane. You're like 60. My dad. You're 60 and you walk around with a dad. My dad. At this point, you guys should be brothers. And a mom. You should just be brothers. My dad is 94. he fought in the boar war look it up kids yeah he fought oh come on and uh yeah he's uh he's still going strong but you're right in the olden times oh yeah were my father to first of all no one lived past 50 uh he would have dropped in the field uh and i would have taken over his medical practice and i would have been a phrenologist i would have measured the felt the bumps on people's heads and decided if they were sociopaths or not.
19:18Yeah. So that's the kind of thing. And I would have been very respected. Yeah. It would have been a better life for me. And you would have been working. You would have been training to do that from a very early age. You had no childhood. People always go, oh, poor Michael Jackson. He had no childhood. But you know who else didn't? Is anyone born before 1910? Yes. Yeah. And they didn't marry children with a giraffe as a witness. Yeah. Oh, shit. Is that the first hard take you've heard on MJ? Yeah. You never heard? Yeah, it's a pretty sacred cow in comedy to not go after him. We now know. Wow. We now know.
19:48Sona, a lot of people have negative takes on him. We now know why John was not asked to give the eulogy at Michael Jackson's funeral. I had a nice version. I had two versions. No, I read your nice version. I had two versions. I read your nice version. That's exactly what the host said. I read the nice version and it leads with the whole giraffe, no childhood thing. I had a version without that. And I was perfectly willing to call in an audible and switch it on the fly. And the organizers knew that. But did I get led in the Staples Center? No. You know, I, Sona was a new hire when Michael Jackson shuffled off his mortal coil backwards.
20:34And he moonwalked off that mortal coil. any hoots Sona was new and I called her from the car and I said this is terrible about Michael Jackson she said yeah and I said okay well here's was that a test that was the final no and then I said just arrange like a private viewing and I said I want a private viewing and I heard her writing it down like private viewing and I said so just find out who we talk to like sometime alone with Michael and I said, I don't want to run into Tito. Yes. And I really don't want to run into the dad. And I heard you going, don't run into dad. I had just started. She had just started.
21:19Yeah. So I came to work and the first thing I did was march into her office and she was starting to make calls. And I saw in her pad, she had listed all of the things that I had said. Yeah. No Tito, no Joe Jackson. No Tito, no Joe Jackson private. And then you said you wanted to adopt blanket. That was a separate call two days later. Okay. But I told her, no, that was just a joke. But then I called you again two days later and said, I want to, can you get in touch with my lawyer? And we're like, okay. And I said, this is her name and it should be in there. And you're like, okay. And she's going to need to figure out.
21:51We're also going to need to talk about adoption law. And again, and I said, yeah. And she said, what's this all? And she said, I'm going to want to adopt a blanket. And she just hung up on me. That's when I knew I had hired. I just started working for him. Like I was so new and he didn't care. I would believe him, too. It's just he's a stone's throw from Michael's inner circle. I was. No, I mean, two calls and you've got two phone calls and you've got Quincy Jones or Barry Diller, someone who worked with Michael. Yes. Yes. I mean, yes. Thank you. It's Conan O 'Brien. I don't know who I was calling on.
22:27OK, no, no, I could get that would have been fine. That would have been you wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have known at least at the ready that he didn't, you know, introduce him during the black or white tour. So I wouldn't know in the I wouldn't know. I know because I didn't do that. Yes, because I was a known person when you were young. Right. And so for all you know, I partied with, you know, Al Jolson. Like, you know, any anyone from the 1920s, you link me to all those people. Yeah. Yeah. Very plausible.
23:08Let's talk about subjects that are near and dear to our heart. I'm a massive fan of you and your comedic stylings. Thank you, Conan. Massive fan of yours. I am. There's no other way to do that. It was an ill-timed... Wow. Wow. But I, cause you, you, you're. Oh my God. Who said, oh my God. Was that you? No. I was drinking water and I'm not that kind of ventriloquist. But you're a very good ventriloquist. You talk about so many themes that I can relate to, and I'm not going to mention any specific projects because we're not doing that now. We're not going to do that. We're not going to do that, but I've seen you live many times.
23:52and so many times you so beautifully and perfectly and hilariously capture things that I talk about. And one of the things that you've talked about some is when you grow up in families like ours, in birth order, the need for attention and the things that you will do to get attention. A hundred percent. And I was watching you being very hilarious about the things you would do and your jealousy of other people that got attention in weird ways. And I was listening to this and thinking, I've got to mention this to John. I've got to mention to you that When I was a kid, I desperately wanted attention.
24:25Middle child, didn't think I was getting it. And in class, we read the book Death Be Not Proud, which is a true story of the author's son's battle with brain cancer. It was the writer who wrote Travels of Europe and Travels of USA. Yes. Yeah. And he, Gunther, John Gunther. And it's the story of his son battling brain cancer. And I remembered reading that book and being jealous of, and the kid loses the battle, dies. And I read the book and I remember thinking, that guy got so much attention. Oh my God. And it was like, now, do you understand that? One thousand percent. Thank you. What the fuck?
25:06Thank you. I remember telling my mom exactly what I wanted at my funeral. And her, I had no illness. No Michael Jackson. Well, we didn't know then. There was a lot of Michael Jackson.
25:20And she said, well, you know, you're not going to be there to see it all. And I was crestfallen. I still can't get over that. That I wasn't going to get to see people listen to all the songs I picked. Right. And have the speakers come up, say what a good person I was. God damn. Can you imagine? I remember that. And I also remember going to mass with my whole family and my grandmother came with us. And I mentioned this to you guys the other day, but I have to say this in front of John. And so I don't know how old I am. I'm like 11 or 12. And I just feel like I'm just this redheaded, round faced, freckled blob, just lost in the sea.
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25:56Like no one's looking at me. So, and my grandmother was with us who was ancient, ancient. She was born in 18, I think she was born in like 1890. 90. I think she was the person who shot Teddy Roosevelt when he was giving a speech. That was her claim to fame. Best political mic drop ever. Thank you. Yeah. Bull news party speech. Yeah. I don't think you realize I've been shot. Everyone laughs. He goes, no, no, no. Look, and he opens his jacket and his glasses case stopped the bullet. And then he continues the speech. So today that would be, okay, just be president. Let's stop fucking around trying to find someone else.
26:31Anyway, my grandmother's with us. We're all there in church. And then there's the part where you go up and take communion. And I got out and I feigned a limp. I faked a slight limp going up the aisle and took my communion and then did my limp on the way back and sat down on my grandmother, leaned over and she said into my ear, are you lame boy? And I said, I'll be fine, bravely. It was all bullshit. Wow. Because I needed to pop in that moment. How much of that That is responsible for your success. That drive. My fake limp? No, just that mean. That's why Lauren gave me late night. Yeah. You know, I'm concerned about his limp.
27:13Maybe a little late night experience. Lauren cast him in. Lauren was directing Richard III and gave him the lead. And then from that, from Richard III, he said, you want to write the late night show? And he said, what if I host it? What if I host it? Everyone was so busy that it happened. Yeah. Everyone was busy. That's why. That part's kind of true. Yeah, it's a little bit. Everyone is true. That actually is true. One year I told everyone in school that my dad was Mark Summers, the host of Double Dare. And I would say these things and then I'd forget about them. Right. And then people would meet my dad and be upset.
27:43And then I would go to school and say that our house burnt down the night before just to get any traction. Yes. It was just about getting a little eye contact and a little conversation going. We're not, I don't know about you, I'm not defending any of this behavior. Oh, good. And this is sad, tragic behavior. I am just that when I've until John said these things in his stand up, I felt like I can never admit to this. But then a very well liked professional comedian and voice of the voice of youth said the same thing. And I thought now I can talk about this. Now I can say that one of the happiest days of my life is when I shattered my elbow and had to be put in a cast.
28:26Wow. And they brought me, because a kid in school, we were fooling around and a kid jumped up on top of me and I fell back and put my arm back and it bent completely. A separate piece style. Yeah, the wrong way. And they put me in what was like a 1920s comedy cast. You know, today it would be like microsurgery and then like a tiny, they put me in a cast that was made of a plaster that they used. Did it have the stick going from the arm? It didn't have this, I wanted the stick. The stick going from forearm to rib. Yeah, from forearm to rib. That's the funniest thing. Yes. Yeah. Cause you wonder if there's even anything in there, if it's just all plastic.
29:00Yeah. I had my real arm tied behind me. And then I had a fake cast with a stick. No, but I, and I remembered my, they gave me medication and I remember thinking, this feels, I feel amazing. I have an incredible sense of wellbeing. And then I have this cast on and they took me home and they put me, I lived up in the attic. They put me in my, in the central, they put me on the second floor. Oh my God. They go to the second floor. Second floor status. Christmas was coming soon. Christmas was coming soon. So my parents brought out gifts for me. This was like December 18th. And then all my brothers and sisters gathered around and I thought, I hope this arm withers.
29:41Yeah. I hope this arm never heals ever. I'm just so curious, talent aside, because this is the talent side of the table, how much of that drive? He just gestured to John. Thanks for that. I know, I did it. Yeah. Oh, I just say what I saw was a he's pushed in and then you scooped towards. I took your small portion and I just hedged my bets over here. How much of that? Because, you know, every kid dabbles in that we dabbled in attention seeking. But I think at a certain point you go, OK, I got to be realistic here. But you continued. How much of that drive is responsible for where you guys are very successful?
30:19I'm just curious. Well, you want to take this, John? Well, I don't know. because there's obviously talent, but what what chicken or the egg? What gives you the talent, the need to like you workshop your talent for a need for attention or you have the talent? How did it go? If you have the need for attention, the drive for attention, and then you have the delivery device of entertainment, which comes first. That's why I think not everyone does it. Maybe some people didn't just love entertaining and show business as much. I was always mystified by kids that didn't want to be in entertainment. Yeah.
30:52Oh, mystified. Me too. I'm still mystified by people that don't want to be comedians. I'm actually still quite confused by why people don't want to be comedians. I'm not remotely kidding. But also, I don't understand. You openly mock the guy that made like the Hubble Space Telescope. That thing, that's no good. You look in it, you just see your eyelashes. You look in the viewer, it's all eyelashes. That thing stinks.
31:23Do you have a friend with a telescope? And they make you look at, they go, you can see Saturn tonight. You look and you see your own eyelashes. Yeah, I do. And then when they finally show it to you, it's like a dot. And you go, oh, okay. One time this happened, the guy said to me, what did you think it was going to be? I went, I'm embarrassed to say what I thought it was going to be. And he's like, did you think it'd be a ball with rings around it? And you'd see that through the telescope? I said, yes, absolutely. That's the whole reason for having a telescope. I can go online and look at an amazing photo of Saturn.
31:50I don't need to come over to your house and you serve this shit wine. And now I'm supposed to look at my eyelash and then a dot. Yeah. And by the way, that's not guacamole. If there's not onion in it, it's not guacamole. Wow. I'm getting very specific. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. The Hubble's crap anyway. People that know about that stuff know it's crap. But I know to the public it's a big to do. Look, the new telescope, the Webb telescope, now that's the winner. The Webster Hubble telescope. Is it Webster? who was Webster Hubble is that Reagan Bush what is that what is that name that reference Webster Hubble that's a person I don't know that it is okay I think you should maybe go I think nobody look at me former attorney general under from 1993 to 1994 oh Bill Clinton Clinton never mind incredible yeah I'm not gonna say that you brought us on an unproductive cul-de-sac but I am gonna say you're insistent about a cul-de-sac you can drive right out of it we know who Webster Hubble is now You know what I mean?
32:50What bothers me is that when you entered the building, the name Webster Hubble was written on your hand as if work this in. That's the part that concerns me. And we still haven't even gotten to see Everett Koop. I love that beard. Yeah. What a great whaler he was. I want to say something else. We've talked about this subject because another thing that you talk about, which is likability. I know that you sometimes, and I really love it when you break into song. Sure. Well, don't say sure. That means - No, this is good. it's a good way to show you're listening is to say little things while someone's talking how do we know that we're not just dropping those in you know what i would love to do is record john doing little things like yes well of course yes and then drop those into other people's uh anyway i would do a thing sometimes over the years in front of the writers where I couldn't say something to them about how I didn't like a sketch or what the flaw in the sketch was, but I could start singing a song and the song would very specifically, it would be a very chipper song, but it was a very, the lyrics were improvised and it would then very specifically get into what was wrong with the sketch.
34:00And it was like a spoonful of sugar. It's musical passive aggressive. It's incredibly passive aggressive, but the song would keep going and I would commit to it 100 % and people would be chanting along and then realize that they had just had some, there was some lead in that drink. There was some, I don't know what that is, but I've seen - It was your born in the USA. What's that? It was your born in the USA. Yes. Behind that driving beat. Reagan said, oh, well, you know, well, well, we'll use that as my song. And then he hadn't listened to the lyrics. And I hadn't listened, no. Yeah. They were critiquing his sketch.
34:32Yes. So my question is, I've seen you do that and I really like that and I love the whole idea of being able to communicate truth by just singing a song about what a waste of time Webster Hubbell reference was and how we won't recover. How we won't recover. You know what I mean? And then it's just, it comes out that way in song. I'm the guy who makes references all the time, but when Mulaney makes references, I shit on them and I bore my stuff with old references all the time. I mean, it's ridiculous. Yeah, exactly. Just like that. You can edit, right? I won't, but I can. No, okay. End right where I did.
35:13I won't. And then put in a cheers and then edit out the part where Mulaney comes right back at me. And it's like Edith Bunker saying, maybe you're the meathead. No, what I'll probably do is edit in that time. Multiple times you referenced Tova Borgnine. Tova. Or his Borgnine's wife. They had a bad divorce. Did they? Tova and Ernest? Really? Right? He divorced her because her forearms were bigger. Wow. Add more laughter there. I can't do it. And then some silence and then music and then more laughter. Or was Ernest Borgnine divorced from Shelley Winters? Maybe I'm wrong. Shelley Winters. Maybe he stayed married to Tova.
35:48He stayed married to Tova. Okay, great. Were they married? Didn't they do Poseidon Adventure together? Shelley Winters? Shelley Winters is in Poseidon Adventure. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Were they married at the time? Is Ernie in that? Isn't he? Ernest Borgnine is in that. Okay. He plays, yeah, Ernest Borgnine is - Let's go to Sona. I doubt it's after they broke him. Actually, no joke. I think, I remember seeing the Poseidon Adventure. I think they were married in it. Yeah, he's a - I think the two, Shelley Winters and Ernest Borgnine are married to each other. In the movie, that's what I meant.
36:14In the movie. Yes, they are. And then she - They're both in the movie. They're both in the movie. And they're married. And I think he's like a retired police detective or police captain. Okay. I believe. You're welcome. Nicely done. Nicely done. Yeah. So I finally made a reference that I get. All right. Okay. Okay. Let's just take it easy. Just relax. Just relax. Let's put the knives away. Absolutely. Okay. Your attack on me, I think, was completely unfounded. But you talk about likability. That's something I think about sometimes. Clearly. Sometimes? It's funny because people that...
36:53I clearly on the podcast have shed my concern for likability. But yes, you have. Yeah, but I'm saying I. No, I mean, in a good way. You have. Yeah. I've shown how mean you can be. Oh, please. I don't think mean. I think bravely honest is the way I would call it. No, it's like you're a monster. You changed up pitches and you're like, Oh, the whole time he's been mean. Yeah. Well, we could have. Which we all knew. Which is the big reveal for every comedian. Oh, they have contempt for so many people and so many things. Oh, that's the big, do you know, did you guess what? That's our, everyone's rosebud is a sled that says kind of mean.
37:37Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, I don't. Take a second. To think about the sled? Just to collect yourself. I'm really rattled yeah you're shaking up a lot yeah this has been a huge revelation for me how about that funny waiter we had at dinner a few months ago which waiter? at the Bel Air Hotel remember how funny that waiter was he gave you the bill you nicely treated me to dinner and you said and I'm not leaving a tip and he said sir I'm expecting something absolutely amazing he had like Bob Balaban timing yes he had perfect timing yeah he was great He was very good. I forgot. I forgot. We had a good time, didn't we?
38:18We had a great time. Did we see any famous people that night? We saw John Mellencamp from a distance. I didn't see him. He was blocked. I saw him. I saw his profile. We saw, and we knew the guy he was with. That's right. We did know the guy. I had a large gum abscess worked on that day. So my face had like a golf ball in it. People in the restaurant thought I had struck you. I know. It really did look like that. It did look like I had roughed up John Mellencamp. My face was swollen up. But it didn't hurt. And I didn't want to cancel dinner because he's so hard to get, to nail down plans with ever since he got married.
38:47Yeah. When I knew him pre-Liza, it was like, we were like, you know. Oh, the times we had. Oh, yeah. We were like Bert Schneider and and. Dip Kibler. Yeah. Yeah. We were like BBS. We were like those guys. No, we were. What is this? They used to call. Seriously. They used to call us the Wolfpack. Oh, right. The two of you. Well, there was another. I don't know if they want to mention we should mention the name on Mike it's your call more than mine you go you say it come on we know it's Tova Borgnath it is not Tova Borgnath but it was you me Alex Trebek who's not around anymore he's not around anymore that's a good way to say it well I'm sorry he's not we were young we had fun we had so much fun I tore it up and there are whole areas of New York I can't go to anymore Right.
39:43We'd close out Jones on third. Yeah. It's a lunch place. People around the world. Very calm. People around the world have a calm lunch place. It's real chill. A bunch of Southern California's here. It's lovely. No, whatever. But then, yes, I got married and I settled down and then you got all, you were like a baby about the whole thing. I stomped my feet at the wedding. He did. He did a full-on Rumpelstiltskin. He was going up and down. Jumping up and down. Jumping up and down. Stomping in dirty cowboy boots. A little cloud raised up. But when you realized that I had this mean streak, did it endear you to me or were you disgusted?
40:22No, I knew the first time. There's also the only two choices. Endeared me to you. But when I would do stand up on late night, I got to meet you like after I got to meet you on the show. And then I got to talk to you after. And you were talking about you were shitting on the other guests to me. I was thrilled. Yeah. You said it was like wrestling a cat trying to get an interview out of someone. And I love to know that you had great contempt for your other guests. Oh, yes. It's almost you'd need to be lobotomized to to interview people every single night and just be delighted by everybody. It's not possible.
40:53And you were you were. But also, I knew I could talk to you about it immediately. That that was quite an honor to me is that you felt you could you could say nasty things about other people to me, which you could. And you can. Yeah, that's sweet. That's really sweet. One of the greatest gifts you can give a young man that you're mentoring is to let him know. It's to let her know just - How small you are on the inside. What a little, yeah. Little prick you are. Yeah, what a nosy neighbor gossip you are. I'm not the only one. You know what's funny? Wait, what was the question? Do you have good neighbors?
41:24Do you have nosy neighbors that snoop? I have nosy neighbors that know that Liza's a witch. Oh, no. Because they've been peering through the hedges. Yeah. Wait, no, but I love people. Then there are people that are able to, you know, our mutual friend who we both adore, Martin Short, he's so mean. He can be so mean and incisively mean about people and situations and gossipy. But he also has incorporated that into his onstage. Oh, my God. And no one's done it better. And no one's done it better. And he's he's so. Do you know what I mean? He's. Yeah. I think aren't all comedians mean. Sorry. I mean, there's always there seems to be a mean streak in.
42:01Mean, mean, meaning not cruel. Yeah. If there's a joke. How would you describe it? Like if you're with a group of comedians and they can make a joke about you that's mean, but they'll know it'll get a laugh. They'll do it. They'll do it 10 times out of 10. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. OK. All right. I was going to say. Nate Bargatze once described doing stand up for people that don't know what stand up is. He did it at an award thing for his father. And he said, they don't know I'm a comedian, so it just seems like a mean speech. and it is it's like these are you have these prepared remarks where you're shitting on products and people and the city you're in and it really is that's all it is it's just a mean speech so someone did a uh mashup online of all the times marty's come on the late night show and he would always do the same thing you know he'd come out the first 10 minutes which was just delightful and delicious for me was him tearing into me with all these prepared, beautiful jabs, really going to town.
43:04And I would just be dissolving. It's just a pile of mush. I was so happy. And then we'd move on. And someone put together a mashup of all of the best Marty roasts of Conan, and it's online somewhere. And Marty, who I hung out with recently, said that he went online because someone told him, it's really funny, Marty. You got to check it out. And it's had a lot of clicks. So he went online to look at it. And the first comment was, doesn't he know Conan could tear him fucking limb from limb? Oh my God. Like, he's 6 '4". Don't you? And Marty was just like, what? Like, Conan's just barely restraining himself.
43:42No! Doesn't he know he could tear him limb from limb? Doesn't he know he could tear him limb from limb? But Conan's just showing great restraint? Great grace. Yeah. Everyone in the studio audience was always going, wow, Conan is showing great grace to this petty little man. This petty little elf is just taunting Conan, but Conan with his coiled steel muscles. Keep it up, Short. He'll be using your hands for ashtrays.
44:12I just, I don't know. I just was like, oh, okay. That's the essence of not understanding. I would like to make one thing clear because we're talking about how mean we are. I have to say it I don't I'm not mean to anybody out in the world that I encounter oh right and I'm serious we were all holding like you're not mean to no no no to strangers when I feel do we feel this is lost on anyone I don't think no no no because I'm going to hear about it I'm going to hear like hey I so apparently you're the worst guy that ever lived now I'm back to your neighbors who are you around that's going to yell these things at you you always get the paper on the front lawn I do and people yell things I do I go and I walk out like Tony Soprano and I get the paper.
44:53Yeah. I'm always in the same robe that Tony Soprano. I bought it from the Gandolfini estate. Hey, more travel shows, less interviews, Conan. Yeah. Stick to what you're good at. The travel stuff is working. I like the travel stuff. More stuff with the guy Jordan. Is he even real? Yeah. I just want to say you're a very - You want to clear it up that - I want to clear up that you're a very nice fellow with - That's nice of you to say. I think because - With a cold black heart. We have such an outlet for our anger and disdain that most of the time we're very even keel and nice, I'd say. Yes, that's an accurate statement, I believe.
45:28I would absolutely agree. I think I've been kind to you when people were watching. Sona, when people are looking, I'm kind to you. No, you're not. You're not. Oh, right. You're right. You're brutal to her on this show. On this show. You were brutal to me on camera when you had your late night show. But occasionally I'll notice that we're in public and I'll do some performative nice thing if I think someone might see it. No. I'm saying if I think people are watching, I'm good at replicating kindness. No. Isn't that a great thing? Yeah. Well, what about you? Have you made progress in caring about whether people care about you?
46:01Listen to yourself. Have you made progress? You can't even get it out. No, I'm serious. Have you made progress in caring about people? No, no, about what people think about. what people think about me? Yes. Yes, I have made progress. It would be, I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all what people think about me, but I've made a lot of progress. Right. That is, I would say. The cycle's also shorter now. Yes. Oh my God, I said the wrong thing. Those people probably hate me. No, they probably don't. They probably give me the benefit of the doubt over. Yes. That helps me because I think I've made similar progress in that way.
46:31I used to worry too much. And if you had asked me 10 years ago, what's one thing you would change about yourself? I would say I would very much like to not care what people think of me. Even today coming in, I saw Andy, then I saw Jeff Ross. And five years ago, I would have gone, oh, I'm going to say hi, but they don't want to talk to me. They have stuff to do. They're annoyed they have to talk to me. They're annoyed they have to talk to me. They're annoyed they have to talk to me. And now I walk in, I'm annoyed to talk to them. And you should be. The shoe's really on the other foot. John Mulaney.
47:03I'm not submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross anymore. I don't give a shit. No. Well, first of all, you should never have been submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross. What'd you think, Jeff? Pretty good. It seems like it's typed. I was giving them to Frank Smiley. Was that not the right category? Frank Smiley. Frank Smiley, yeah. But still, he shouldn't have been submitting a writer packet to him either. I was giving them to Dan Blyer and props. I think your approach was all wrong. All right. That's why I didn't get the big gig. I submitted three packets to that fire extinguisher. That's why I didn't get the six.
47:34I don't understand what happened. and the receptionist at 30 Rock or was it 50 Rock knew I gave her explicit instructions. These are my ideas, ma 'am. Deliver them to Mr. O 'Brien. You're at a dental hygienist's office. These go to Conan O 'Brien. Well, you know what? I'm not allowed to mention. Do you care what people think about you less as you get older? Yes. Yeah. I still care, but I care less. Yeah. Because I know that I'm just gonna go away, crumble, turn to ash. It'll all be over. How do you really deal with it? Don't do a bit. Don't do a bit? Don't do a bit about how you deal with it. How I deal with what?
48:23Exactly. Let's talk about it. Death or criticism? No, how you deal with whether you think people like you or not. Well, I've talked about this before. I do a bit actually. No, no, I'm not kidding. Well.
48:39I guess what I do. There it is, there it is. Ha-cha-cha-cha. All right, sorry. No, I've mentioned this a couple of times before, but when I was a kid, I wrote E.B. White a letter and he wrote me back. In his return letter - In a spider web he wrote it? He wrote it in a spider web. Oh my gosh. You just had to do it, didn't you? You just had to do it. With a goddamn pig? This is from the guy that lectured me. Let's hear the real story, Conan, and no bits. Let's hear the real story. I didn't say I wasn't going to do bits. Oh, that's true. You never agreed to that. Never. Anyway, his response was...
49:13What was your letter to him saying? Well, I can only deduce that from reading his return letter because it was so many years ago. And since then, the E.B. White Foundation has found the letter. But anyway, he says some nice things about my letter. And then he says, as for your question, if you're concerned about criticism, you're going to have a tough go as a writer because I was telling him I was interested in writing. But you wanted no criticism. I need a very long leash. I know. I'm telling you, this is what I was worried about was being criticized. I said, I don't handle criticism very well.
49:45I'm afraid of it. And he was basically telling me, you need to get over that. I'm going to die soon and you're going to be a talk show host anyway. You're never going to be a writer of note. You'll pivot away from writing. Yeah. As soon as you can. As soon as you can and squander it in a foolish medium. So that's what I know that it was near and dear to my heart. And I'm not going to lie, though. I think if someone has the wrong impression of me, it's hurtful. But as you go on, I think, as you know, when you have kids, things change a little bit. I think having kids is a huge reset because you think, well, as long as they're OK, then.
50:22Yep, there's that. And also, oh, I've met the person I I've I now know the person that I want to make laugh. And like the only you know, it's not the only I like other people in my life. But if there's someone's eyes I want to see light up, it's his my son when I get home. So, yeah, it does. And all my anxieties are poured into him as well in a good way, I think. Yeah. And also being a parent's made me dumb. So my thoughts are extremely simple and they're just kind of on a 20 month old level. and that has made me 1 ,000 times happy. Are you funny to a almost two-year-old? Very. And I am phenomenal at baseball to him.
51:03I can hit a baseball far that you wouldn't believe how far I can hit a wiffle ball. He has said things like, whoa, and dad, I do that. Yeah. I do remember, I think it was my, maybe it was my daughter when she was like two or three watching me sink some baskets and seeing her face, think he's maybe the greatest athlete that's ever lived. I'm just picturing you bringing her in a stroller to a public court in New York City. And then you stand at the free throw line taking shot after shot. She was in the sun. And there's a little thing that you can, a little hood that you can pull over, but I didn't do it because I thought it would obscure her view of my shots.
51:45And the fact that I made two out of 11 impressed her. And then she was very sick from heat stroke. The point is, I'm a really good guy. No, I can't even. I used to spin out about so many things and I used to want to be so clever and wanted to be this curated little prick. And I now have nothing in my head except. Yeah, Malcolm, do that. All right. Yeah. Baseball. He wakes up. He wakes up at 4.50 a.m. every night when he goes to bed I go what time you gonna wake up and he goes seven and we both laugh and then he goes deal we say deal and we shake and then he gets in bed wakes up at 450 I unzip him at 450 this happened two Wednesdays ago and he goes baseball immediately I go you want to play game so I take him out get him out of his sleep sack now he and I are in the front yard 5 10 a.m.
52:43in pajamas and jackets and I take the ball and I put it on the tee and he's holding a wiffle ball bat and he goes two bats so i hand him another bat now he has two then i had to buy a third because when we play he likes two bats so i need mine i put the ball on and he goes dad i do and i go dad i do i smack that wiffle ball so far and he goes yeah good job i go yeah good job i put a ball on for him and i go malcolm do that he goes yeah malcolm do that he hits the ball which means he hits his hand holding the bat against the tee and the ball falls off sure And I go, yeah, good job. He goes, yeah, good job, Malcolm, good job.
53:17And we're just two morons at five in the morning. The floodlights are like ring camera lights are going off. It's so early. The way he's saying baseball makes it sound like he wants to like he makes it sound like he wants to bet on baseball. Oh, yeah, yeah. Baseball. Yeah, yeah. We bet on baseball. He came from a time machine to bet on baseball. Yes, as we all did. Like I used to need so much to feel any kind of happiness in the day. If I see a garbage truck with him now, we're both so psyched. It's like seeing a celebrity. We hide behind a garbage can and we watch it like in odd silence. Like we're two women who see Courtney Cox at the Grove.
54:04we just walk barefoot still in pajamas and jackets following the garbage truck holding wiffle ball back and you look at the thing come out and grab the yeah I love that no one impersonates a garbage truck better than me in my son's eyes in your son's eyes and he goes now at home you can yell garbage truck all day long that's something you yell like if you get into water and it's cold. You go, yeah, garbage truck. But when you're following the garbage truck, he and I have never discussed this, but we have a mutual understanding. You do not yell garbage truck at the garbage truck. Like that would be disrespectful.
54:40Yes. There's an etiquette. There is some strange unspoken etiquette. There's a garbage truck. Yes. And he understands that. Yeah. So I'm a bad interview these days and I'm not as fun to talk to at parties because everything's so simplified, both loving my son and being on his level. If this is a bad interview, then I wish all my interviews were just dreadful. How kind. Can't you be real for a second? I am. No, that was awful. That was dreadful what you just did. That was dreadful. Thank you. You said it like a horse.
55:15That's so kind. I'm gonna wrap this up, but I am gonna tell you something I've told you before, which is you are a constant source of, I don't know, joy to me. Anyway, I just absolutely love what you do. And I've said this before. I love your mind and your writing and your performing of comedy. And it makes me feel good about things and about the way stuff is headed. And I am so happy for you that you're finding peace and having a good time. Thanks, man. With your family. I just, I don't know. It's a nice day for me when I get to sit here and trade stupidity with you. It's a joy for me. Thank you, Conan.
55:58You're my absolute hero. So you saying that means more than I can say in words. Now say it again. Let me say this. Say it again as a horse. Yay, God. All right. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
56:18I've been feeling badly about something, which is that, well. Do you feel badly about anything? Do you feel anything? I've read enough to know about that humans do feel badly about things and that if I emulate that feeling, then other humans will feel closer to me. So based on that knowledge, and then I've got to leave and report back to the beings on my planet. As you know, Matt Gourley had a birthday a while ago, a big birthday. And I was proud of myself because I found a gift that I thought was great. Like this is a perfect Matt Gourley gift. And I order it. I'm, you know, look, let's face it.
57:05I'm a little long in the tooth. I've been around for a while. So I'm not as accustomed to buying things like, yeah, I'll buy things on Amazon. But when you're buying things, bespoke items and special items from other people, I'm not used to this concept that Then they ship it from their home and you wait for it. You know, that whole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this package never showed up. And then I'm sure Gurley was thinking, yeah, right. You fucking got me a gift. Yeah. But I did. And my assistant can confirm that he did that. Because even though I'm pretending I did all this, he was the one who fucked this up.
57:44No, no, he really didn't. But it didn't happen. Now fortunately insurance paid for it So I took that money Went back to the person They said they did have another one What a sucker I am I could have done this like 15 times I know You went back to the person? Yes Went back to the person Because it wasn't their fault It was somewhere along the shipping So somewhere out there There's just a set of four brass pineapple cups They're not out there They're in someone's house Yeah someone has them Yeah someone No trust me You can go to my house And you'll see those cups but I had those months before I got you yours.
58:20David Hopping, would you come in please? Are you prepared to come in? This is interesting. By the time this goes out, this will be late August, maybe even September. This is for your 51st birthday. Okay, it makes more sense. Here you go. Mine's May 24th. So why don't you check it out and tell me if you think this was a good choice or not. Oh, hi David. Hi. Wow, these are gorgeous. David, when we never got, they said there was going to be an investigation and then we never heard anything about it. I don't think there was an investigation. All right, well, we just got the refund. At least you got the refund, exactly.
58:52Could I have the refund as well? This is the refund. We spent the refund on this. Did you yell at anyone? No, I got to avoid confrontation like I love. Oh, good, okay. I would have called and yelled at someone. I hate confronting people. I know. I don't think there's anything in there. I just keep going. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute, babe. Now these are, I believe, from the 19, these are old, olden. Now I can see you, can't you see that being on the next Summer S'mores? That's so cute. Where's my present? Hey, I get one too. Oh, there's four of them. Yes, there's. I love that you have two ready to go like a cooking show.
59:38Yeah, yeah. These already have drinks in them. but delicate. Yeah. And they, I think these are going to look really good. They will match your house. These are wonderful. Cause it's got a, they've got a real cool sort of little bit kitschy mid century vibe, but I actually think they're, I actually think they're handsome. Thank you very much. Sincerely. Sorry for the delay. No problem. There is an investigation, an ongoing, Oh, I got to move paper out of the way. That's something David should have done, but I'll do it. I guess host has to do it. Oh, let me help. Just kidding. So there. Problem rectified.
1:00:15And then Sona, you had a big birthday recently. Drinking. And I'm getting you this. This is iced tea with no sugar in it. Oh. It was out in the kitchen. Oh, yay. And it's, you know what? It's room temp too. Yes. Thank you so much for my lovely gift. Cheers, guys. Cheers. Oh. No, that's Sona's. That's Sona's right here. Oh, there's mine. Here we go. You can't cheers with an empty glass. Why? Oh, yeah. And bad luck. Yeah, you also can't walk under a ladder. You need to get massive quantities of rum in here. Yeah. We have alcohol. What? You can't choose an empty glass. Let's take a shot. Yeah. You can't take a shot in this glass.
1:00:52You can if you do it big enough. I'll be back. Are we going to get fucked up? See you, David. Let's get fucked up. I will say, to refresh you, in one of the Chill Chums episodes, you did tell David that he should yell. Oh, I did? Yeah. Yeah, I was a big, not a yeller. This is from experience. Sona was the on point assistant for a long time doing all that kind of stuff. And for years. And I would hear her because I am non-confrontational. I'm a master of passive aggression. Yeah. Oh, yeah. OK, take it easy. We've talked about this already. Yeah. But I don't let people have it like that. And you would dismantle people over the phone who had screwed something up.
1:01:34Whoever the shipping company was would have paid for the new glasses. That's just what I would have probably ended up doing. Also, your Armenian uncle would have visited them. And that's all we'll say. That's all we're going to say, right? You know what? Maybe. Maybe. The sweat would have been dangling in the air. Yeah. It's okay, though. Are we really getting alcohol? Are we really drinking? The coroner said someone shoved garlic cloves into his nose and mouth and suffocated him. That's Uncle Brozy's calling card. I know. Oh, Strozzi and Brozi! What's up, Strozzi Brozi? You're my Strozzi Brozi.
1:02:11It's like Godfather, instead of a horse's head, it's just some really good hummus you wake up in the bed. Ah! Oh! You got Strozzi, bro! This is delicious! You got Strozzi! Don't Strozzi me, bro!
1:02:26Uncle Strozzi. Wait, what happened? I woke up and there was hummus in my bed. Was it delicious? Yes. Strozzi! Good thing I had some pita by the bed Why? Always keep pita by the bed In case you get the The strozy death rat From your Armenian uncle Wait, are we really waiting For alcohol to come? We are? You know what, I just got back from a trip Where I had lots of cocktails And I'm gonna go do a dry August But I'll make an exception for this Day two he went one day it's August 2nd oh Jesus what is that all I can find is this what this is what Irish whiskey I'm good who brought this can you just put a Coke Zero in mine yeah yeah someone brought that I really I can't have who was it was it Randall Park yes it was Randall Park whatever happened to Randall Park I can walk on that trail alone whatever happened to Gene and Rex Roy and Tex the Durango Kid oh this is nice I love it these haven't been washed
1:03:33Ooh, 1952 dust. Taste the Edsel. Dust that voted for Eisenhower. Oh, wow. It was wrapped up in so much paper. I don't know where that paper - Did you wash these? You didn't wash these, did you? I didn't know we were gonna be drinking out of it. Neither did I. You took it out of the packaging. We just took glasses from the 1950s that were shipped to us from a hoarder unwrap them poured liquid into them and started drinking well that's why you should put alcohol in it to kill the germs no exactly you haven't lived until you've had in as best as cocktail yeah there is dust on this you gotta get some get a little bit of whiskey in there you can't nope let's just say my my dry August started before August oh my god shaves his chest won't take a drink that's real good that's really good boy that's a good diet soda I'm just gonna put a little more we won't mention which one it is there she goes Wait, did you guys cheers?
1:04:29Oh yeah, cheers. Oh wait, his cup's empty again? That's why we filled it up in the trunk. Well, now we're out. This is stupid. It's got a little bit. Well, here we go. Cheers. Cheers, happy birthday and late. Cheers, chin chin. Salud.
1:04:46Daddy's milk. Oh wow, sweet Papa's milk. Yum. Okay, that legally is a segment.
1:04:58Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. additional production support by Mars Melnick talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Britt Kahn you can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode got a question for Conan?
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From the publisher
John Mulaney feels [redacted] about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.
John and Conan sit down to discuss the mystery of how art gets financed, seeking attention as kids, and early morning wiffle ball games with his son. Plus, Conan finally delivers on his long-awaited gift for Matt Gourley’s birthday.
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This episode was recorded on 8/7/2023.
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