Johnny Knoxville

27:18well anyway uh great poll by the way uh but you know i remember like south park made a movie and it turned out like oh yes excellent and then uh and then you guys made a movie and it felt like this time when people were making the right call and it was actually translating. I'm curious, you know, I think about there was whatever, 30 years or 28 years there where I was doing a show and always saying yes to things because I thought it would be funny. And I got tossed by a water buffalo once and fell onto up into the air and fell onto hard concrete. And it stopped. Wow. I jumped on a water buffalo when that was not what I was supposed to do.

28:01And all my common sense went away. And I think about that all the time. Now I'm thinking about your life where you have a montage playing in your head of things you did where probably halfway through you thought this is a terrible idea but i'm going to do it anyway well it's like this is a terrible idea i'm so glad i'm doing it we're about to get footage and by the way i've always wanted to get hit by a water buffalo so i'm envious i'm sitting there like oh

28:35I'm glad that you look up to me that way. So are there things that stand out to you now that you are this silver-haired, wise, you know, patrician? Are there things that stand out to you now where you go like, oh my God, that was a terrible idea? I don't know. Do you have any regrets at all? Like, I wish I hadn't done that one. Well, yeah, I mean, we're we're been going back looking through some old bits and you're like, oh, that that but not like anything for my physical safety, just because, you know, they all can't be hits.

29:14So then then I'm like, oh, man, we just even watching the first movie, it's it's almost first jackass movie. it's so tame into what it became and uh which but i don't regret any that it's just what it was and like i'm watching myself do pranks and i just i watch it and just go why did i do that course of action why couldn't i have pivoted into the i just like to beat myself up yeah we all do that we all uh look at past work we've done and have regrets but for you it might be um why did i light myself on fire no i mean the toothpaste is out of the tube conan i can't do anything about it now so yeah i'm all right with everything that's good um are you in pain do you walk around in constant pain sometimes but i'm i'm not it's not even a joke i'm not really in touch with my I can just kind of deal with whatever.

30:18Yeah. I, it's funny you say that because my least favorite question is if I go to a doctor or something and they say, now, how does it feel? And I go, I don't know. I just want to get to the grave. Yeah. You know, like I hate, I hate when they're telling me, you know, or whatever, you get a massage and they're like, now, how does this feel? I'm like, I don't know. Leave me alone. i'm trying to get through life you know what i mean i have that kind of feeling and so when you said that i was electrified yeah yeah it's like i just i don't know i i did this to myself so what what am i going to do yeah i'm not going to complain to anyone it's just that's what it is yeah that's true i hadn't thought of that most people that walk around like oh man my hip what happened oh you know just all those years of working at the plant and for you it's well I strapped myself to a rocket and had it fired into a concrete wall you know like Wile E.

31:20Coyote and it's hard to be like oh man that's tough yeah what happened I know exactly what happened we have footage we have six cameras I can prove it wow yeah it's I mean it's incredible it's so interesting to me too that you've referenced Hunter S. Thompson a couple of times, someone I had the honor of getting to interview, I think twice. And your interest early on in writing, do you know what I mean? Those are things that I feel very connected to. And Hunter S. Thompson was someone who put his entire, his self and his body and his sanity, he poured it all into his work. And it's fascinating to me that in a way you are in that vein.

32:08Do you know what I mean? You're, you're, you're, you're saying, okay, here's my body and I'm going to put all of it into what I do. And it's going to go through this, this grinder, but that's, that is my work. Yeah. That was my best guess, you know, honestly. Um, and I love Hunter, uh, you know, I like two books kind of change my life early on, like on the road, we're in a bar with my cousin and he hands me the book. And I just, I didn't know people lived like that. And it was, you know, I'm a small town in Tennessee. Everyone lives there, stays there. And then I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when I was 19.

32:49And I felt like I didn't know anyone could write like this and be so free. And after that, I was useless. You know, it's like my path was set, I guess. That's so funny. Those are a time in your life. I think I had just moved out to LA 22 and I'm just only reading, um, you know, fear and loathing books. And it just spoke to me, not that I, in my life matched that in any way, but it takes you over in a way that, you know, at my age now, I don't know that it would, I'd like it, but it wouldn't, it wouldn't inhabit me the same way. And like in actuality, if you're living like that or your friends living like that, it's so fucking exhausting to be around.

33:35You know, I've had some friends who just, I mean, Steve, he was off the rails just doing the worst drugs you can get your hands on. PCP, those nitrous canisters. There would be, it would be a sea of nitrous canisters at his feet and it was exhausting. I mean, he'll tell you it was exhausting, but I mean, now he's like, he's doing great. He's been sober for well over, we put him away in 2008, so 17 years or something. That's incredible. Good for him. Yeah. So, I mean, people ask me, well, would you say something about bravery? I'm like, that's bravery. Like, he has to face that dragon every morning, and he does, and he's doing great, and I'm really proud of him.

34:23It is the most impressive thing I see people do. is, you know, and it's just amazing that you can give yourself another chapter like that where it's like, Steve-O, can I get you anything? Maybe, do you have hibiscus tea? It takes you four seconds to stand in front of a bull, but he has to do something like this every, he has to face bulls all day long. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get, when you're with all those guys and you guys together are together, do you ever have the thing of, guys, keep it down? You know, you know, it's it's it. You know what I mean? We're not that anymore. Keep it down. I don't want to make too much noise tonight or I got to get to bed.

35:04It's 915. I don't even I wouldn't even know how to go about trying to quiet them down. You know, you can try tranquilize. Yeah, I think I think everyone becomes worse in those situations. If someone tries to. Yes. Yeah. I don't think I would do that. Well, here we go. So when the cameras are off, especially early on, it was way worse than when the cameras are on. Is that true? Oh, it was. Yeah. Very. They're very excitable.

35:37It's like you're talking about gremlins. Don't get them wet, you know. Don't get them wet with whiskey because they're very excitable. it's funny you brought up safety uh coordinators are people that are there to make sure that everyone's behaving properly yeah the times that i've been on a set where i had to do the most tame thing literally the most tame thing like go through the ceiling of the show the office and land land on a desk that's just like three feet below me uh on dwight shrewd's desk and just it's just like a little drop down at the time i'm doing it i'm 40 and i'm just throwing myself around all the time because i'm a big kid and someone's there like let's talk this is let's walk through this now we're going to hold your body in six different places and slowly yeah

36:35you gotta buy me dinner first and then they're gonna slowly and then we've made the desk i have a special phone and i'm like guys i i grew up in a big family and all we did was toss each other off of staircases yeah and that is my way of you know most times i have a comedy idea the first thing i want to do is pretend to punch somebody and then i'm thrown through a glass window it's i like that kind of stuff and i think i i am not body aware in the way that i'm i'm going to do something still at some point, because I just think I'm having fun and being funny and I'm goofing around and I'm gonna forget that I'm 85 years old.

37:16Are you guys picking, are you auditioning for the new Jackass movie? Well, I have to say I am. Oh, my name's Colin O 'Brien. You know what? I would. Yeah, I would do it. But it's just him falling out of bed. No, I think I would do it, yeah. Yes, a big stunt for me is behaving myself in a crowded theater. um no i i swear to god there is a wish fulfillment with me that's why i'm i get so excited uh and i used to i'm obviously a big fan of yours and the stuff that you guys were doing and there was there's always been part of me it's funny to me it's the yin and the yang i am very cerebral and cautious and all of those things and then there's the flip side of it where i kind of like it where I'm not in control.

38:01It's a relief from the other guy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm cautious with my kids. Right. Yeah. Oh, but that's so funny. I was never, I was like a hell. I'm a total helicopter parent when they were little. Like I'm the guy underneath the monkey bars trying to like make sure they don't fall. Just you lecturing, uh, at 19 year old. Now listen, I want you to have your head strapped on right tonight. And you have like a, you have an and iron sticking through your skull. A bicycle? Are you kidding me? A bicycle? No way. You're gonna wear seven helmets. I love all of that. That's fantastic. I know, I do too.

38:44Well, I, you know, I want to tell you, we had, they let me watch the new Fear Factor. They gave us a link to it and I was really enjoying it. And I have to say, getting you as the host was a stroke of genius on somebody's part. Yes, I'm very happy. I had a lot of fun. But I mean, it's not too much of a pivot from what Jackass was, except I can't go at these people like I do mine. You're dealing with civilians here. Yes. And these people have pride. A sense of self-esteem. They want to live in society. they they can use tools to make other tools they hunt and gather they wish to procreate yeah so um they uh no it's it's it's fun because i also love that you get to be around it and it's it's really fun that they're doing all of this stuff and you're there wearing one of these fantastic like polo sweaters.

39:54Oh, thank you. My wife was my costumer, Emily. So thank you. But you're always there like, ah, enjoy. And you become the Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island. You know, it's like, you don't have to break a sweat. And you're like, all of you get into the giant meat grinder and you're there, you know what I mean? You've earned it. And it feels like you've really earned the right to be that guy. Yeah, it's fun. Like, you know, I when people display fear in an entertaining manner, I'm here for it. And I thought I was going I first got the gig. I'm like, oh, man, I'm really going to make their life hell.

40:34And I got excited and that's never good. But then as I got closer, I'm like, well, these kind of these are these they're different, you know, and there's money at stake. and they're trying these people actually do have phobias yep so i i was like maybe i'm i just felt more natural to kind of help them through it right i still gave them hell but mostly i i like i enjoyed both things it sounds to me like you've started to develop empathy i did i even teared up a couple of times in the show it's like because you see these reality shows and people are cry i'm like everyone's fine what are you crying about you just met this person I can't feel my legs and you're crying days ago but then a few people left the show I'm like I don't know I spent too much time around my mother I'm that's very nice well I'm curious if do you ever get asked to like come back and speak at your high school or something and it's do you know what I mean because it's a strange thing to get, because you've been extremely successful and iconic, and now we'd like you to speak to these young people.

41:45Like an anti-valedictorian? Yeah, exactly. Do as I did. Here's what I find worse. Cautionary tales? Screw college. Don't go to college. Fire a nail gun into your anus. Hey, that's not half bad. That's good. Oh, I could be a writer. If you guys won't let me be in the new jackass movie. I will be a writer. Has anyone ever fired hot lava into their urethra? Lava from Mount Aetna. You guys are like, Conan, no, it wouldn't work. It would evaporate the tissue around it. Okay, I'll keep working on it. I come in with really giant glasses. I'll keep working. Conan, I'm just spitballing here. No, I have never been invited to speak before high school, college or, you know, and I don't blame them.

42:41No, no, no. Well, I think you'd be a great, they should. They should. They're missing out on a great speech. So I also was telling you, I'm obsessed with the new Fear Factor house because there's reality shows always take place in a house. It's always a similar looking house. I don't care. this house is a house that's absolutely stunning and it looks like the richest man in the world lives there and he's got taste it's like beautiful this house is where is it it's in uh west vancouver it is a beautiful place uh they have all these shots of it and i just keep thinking about i want to be on the show as a contestant because i really want to try this lava thing um you can do that on your own i know i and i and trust me i have okay it's getting the lava hot enough um it's a problem but i also i just i love that house well they do celebrity jeopardy what about some celebrity fear factor at some point you know yeah i love that yeah dame judy dench getting shot out of a cannon and you know i i was trying to convince the the show traitors i'm like we should have a jackass traitors because all the things that you need to possess to possess to be good in that show none of us have and we'll be physically attacking each other we can be pranking i love that you go into a show where there's strategy and psychology but you just start firing nail guns no one's going to want to walk down to breakfast and open the door yeah you know you know what no No one's gonna want to touch the door handle.

44:26The genius behind, I mean, Alan Cumming, watching Alan Cumming say murder is the whole, I watched that show just for, his costumes are fantastic. Oh yes. And then, but no, you, Fear Factor coming into other shows, and I think, you know, like Password, you know, just - Just like it. Yeah. No, Jeopardy. Yeah. You know, just shows where it's very intelligent shows where people have to kind of use their streets, their knowledge. But you guys are just smashing everything. You could really amp it up for the celebrity fear factor, too, because these people know what they're getting into and they're in the business.

45:06So just hand me a pen and a piece of paper. And yeah, I can. That would be fun. Just writing bits. OK, I will. I'll produce this with you. Yes, yes. Yeah. I'll take very little money. And by very little, I mean 80%. Yes. That'll be my biggest stunt. He's doing a Fear Factor show with you and getting most of the money. That'll be a pain unlike anything you've ever felt before. Well, that may come at a price.

45:38No, I don't target. I can only target my jackass guys. Yep. There's a trust. Obviously, there's such a trust and there's real friendship there. I've had, in a couple of times, I've targeted a friend that was not part of a civilian. And it just hurt his feelings. And I'm like, oh, I'm never going to do that again. Isn't that the worst? Yeah. Yeah, that was. It is interesting you bring that up because they always say it's always, you know, it's funny until someone gets hurt. And I always think it's actually when someone's feelings get hurt. Yeah. I, this, the bottom falls out for me. If, unless the person is pure evil and, and deserves to have hurt a hurt feeling.

46:26But other than that, the times I've done, anytime I've done something and it got back to me, oh no, someone heard that joke and they were sad. I'm like, oh man, that's the worst. It sucks the air out of the room. And then you feel, I just like, I'm a monster. and it was i was doing things that not even like one tenth of what i do to the guys but still i was like okay i'm not gonna target anyone else just i can you know save it for my fellas and and now rachel wolfson yeah when is the next movie coming out uh june 26th okay yeah and uh are you doing any stunts in the new one or do they cut to a dummy well i mean they always cut to a dummy I can do stunts.

47:10I just can't do anything where I get another concussion because I've. How many have you had? 16. So. Do you know who I am right now? Yes, Andy.

47:22I don't care about a broken arm or ankle, but it just, I can't have any more concussions. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a wise course of action. And I feel like I did my thing. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. That's good. I mean, if I saw you in the shower, I wouldn't be horrified. Well, I think you probably would be. My God! I didn't know it could be so small.

47:56There's just like a big piece of torso missing and you don't even notice it. You keep like little knickknacks in there. You keep humble figurines And a little alarm clock in there Pull my arm off to get my back Hey Conan Hey thanks a lot Hey this thing's great I love it So what is your now commitment To the Fear Factor show You just You're waiting to see Yeah I guess It comes out tomorrow Tomorrow The 14th Yeah the time of year It's really fun Thank you And yeah I'm hoping I had so much fun I'm hoping they pick it up So it seemed to do good on the sneak preview on sunday the only thing that there's a lot of stuff that doesn't that i don't worry about but um insects creep me out you know and i don't think i have a phobia about it but i just always a hairy spider to me is like the worst thing in the world like a tarantula so an arachnid that has hair yeah creeps me out uh and the idea of but then again if I was on camera and there was a studio audience there and people were laughing and I knew they'd really laugh, if I went for it, I'd pick one up and start licking it as it stung my tongue and filled me with a heart-paralyzing venom.

49:15And I'd look to the camera and go, Daddy likes his gum gum juice. And then I would die. You know? The thing about those hairy spiders is the hair gets in... your eyes and it feels like asbestos. What? You're talking from experience. No, it's, you just can't get it, it just itches, it can't get it, it can't get it off of you. That's funny, I can bring up anything to you and you're like, here's the thing about a rhino horn in your ass. It's funny. But you don't know is there's a, the horn is kind of waxy and then you can't get the wax out of your ass. Like anything I bring up, you're gonna go, you know, it's funny.

49:57Like, bull's horns are very dirty. And that's when people get gored before penicillin. That was kind of it for them. But now they have penicillin, you can get gored pretty much all you want. Do you ever... What? There's one matador. I can't remember his name. He's been gored like 63 times. Wow. It's crazy. When he gets a drink at a bar, all this...

50:25Oh, this bit in the world, but I love it. I'm fine. He's my favorite matador, hands down. But you know, it's funny. I think of a germaphobic matador as a really funny idea. He's like, he doesn't mind getting gored, but he keeps trying to use a wet wipe on the horn. His cape is a big wet wipe.

50:51Yeah. It's like, it's kind of less cool, Diego. I don't care. You gotta wipe the bulls, horns, and hooks before he gets in the ring with them. Well, this has been a blast. It's been really fun. Thank you. And I really enjoy you on the new Fear Factor. And I just love talking to you. Thank you. You are just an infinitely charming fellow. And congrats on the new movie coming out and that you're thriving. It's just really, and that you're well. You're happy. You're here. Yeah. You're able to move about. Oh, yes. I yeah after I finished the last jackass I was just I was so happy like I'm still walking yeah I'm good yeah so uh but thank you you've always been so kind to me oh my god you're kidding I just I mean I'm a big fan and uh thanks so much for doing it I really appreciate it oh one less you were talking about all these safety guys uh when you're shooting something you got to get really shady safety guys our safety guys are the shadiest just a little tip before I go So there's no union.

51:56Oh, no. But like our alligator expert, Manny, who dives in swamps at night with the miner's light and pulls alligators up from the bottom. Jesus. He's a wonderful man. He is Tarzan. But he's our safety guy when we work with alligators. And so, you know, you film those safety meetings before and they're like, OK, Manny, tell us what's the plan here? He goes, well, Steve-O will be in there with an alligator. And if the alligator bites him, hopefully he will let go. All right, let's shoot. So that's good. You need a very shady safety guy who probably wasn't a safety guy a month ago. You need a pretty good safety guy.

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53:53Okay, I am sitting here with Sonam Obsessian. Yeah. And normally now I'd say Matt Gorley, but he is out on maternity leave. Paternity. He's a man. I'm going to stick with what I said. Oh, you're going to double down on it? Yeah, he's on maternity leave. Trust me. He got his knickers in a twist. He's out. He had a beautiful baby girl. Yes. now and very happy for him. Filling in for him is David Hopping. Now, this is a rare occasion where both of my assistants are sitting here with me. You've got Sona, assistant since 2009. Yeah. And David Hopping, when did you really take over as my full-time assistant?

54:36When, 2021? 2021 when the boys were born. That's right. Okay, so you've both assisted me and I thought this is a great time to ask you guys some pretty blunt questions. and you have to be honest. No, seriously, you have to be honest. Okay. You mean we don't have to try to protect your feelings? No, just go for it. Because we try that all the time. No, no, no. I think this was a good chance to know more about me. I am not in the least bit defensive. I'm an open book. This is going to be fun. Can this be like a 30-minute segment? I'm curious. Stona, what was your least favorite thing to do for me?

55:11Whoa. The least favorite thing to do? Yeah, the thing that when I asked you to do it, you really hated it. Apologize? Is that one? Can I say apologize? When I messed up and you were just like, can you just feel bad about not doing something? Because you wouldn't do it. I know. That's your thing. But no, I think. No, wait. Well, say you screwed something up, which didn't happen a lot. I mean. It did. We made jokes, but I got things done. Yeah, you got things done. Yeah. But when things would go terribly wrong and I would say, oh, come on, Sona. You'd say, yep, that happened. And you would just plow ahead.

55:44All right. And so I would sometimes I'm just being honest. I would try to get you to apologize or say you feel badly about it and you wouldn't. I know. I know. Okay. Here's, you know what? So that's, that's a good answer. Okay. So, but also I'm trying to think of things I did regularly that I was just like, every time you would ask me to do, I'd be like, Oh God. Yeah. And you know what? Honestly, I can't think of anything where I might need some time with it. Cause you liked shaving my back. Oh God. You enjoyed that? Oh God. Cause I didn't think you would. Don't put that out there. I don't want people to think that was going to happen, whatever happened.

56:17You had the longest shaver in the world. She was on the end of a pole. Like back? Oh, yeah. She would be maybe 35 yards away from me. Like those gripper things? I was horribly cut up whenever you would do that because you were often on your phone while you were doing it. I know. I think that you're not a very high maintenance person. I don't think so. I don't think you're high maintenance. But now we switch it over to, David, what do you not like to do for me? Or it's kind of a drag. be honest I mean let's see where do I start sorry I just remembered I don't know if you have this too there's times when there's something you ask us to do that we I think we know you can just do on your own and then I lived in Pasadena and you'd be like can you just come to my house at 9 in the morning to help me with this thing and I'd be like you know how to do that but I have to be in traffic for like an hour and a half It was usually, how do I read my email?

57:15Uh-huh. Or how do I get into Netflix? Yes. You can never get into Netflix? Now, in my defense, in my defense, it's very hard to get onto Netflix. Yeah. I mean, next to impossible. You have to be a brain surgeon. Although I do want to say, I think I got hired because of things Sona didn't want to do, like running the errands and things is why I even got a job. That's true. Yeah, that's actually true. My various creams and balms, ointments and sals. There's so many creams. And bombs. And bombs. Salves. Yeah. Emollients. Yeah. Gels. Yeah. So I'm grateful for that. I know. And it was job security.

57:51Like, you know. When do I get one? Oh, an assistant. That's right. When do I get an assistant? Oh, my God. When you have an assistant, that is the end. I'm going to start a nationwide search. That is the end of days. I think, yes, the tech stuff. I'm constantly, I don't belong. I should not be living in this century. I'm I'm it's like I'm I'm a I'm an 18th or 19th century man I I think I would have been uncomfortable in the 19th century because they'd be like hey can you pull that crank and make that steam powered thing work I cannot do it we'd have to drive to you witchcraft talk to my assistant into Pasadena Pasadena no one lives there that's not inhabited yet look in my defense I abhor technology.

58:39I just, and so, yes, I think that's probably the worst is when I call you up and say, I don't know how to take a picture with my phone. Yes. And then send it to someone. It's not that bad. Which you've done a million, but sometimes you're in your head so much about something you have to do that you do forget very basic things. This is something that Sona was really on top of. She would always say, I'd color up and I don't think to be fair I don't think I would make you drive from Pasadena to my house you didn't do it often but there were times when you know I would I'd have to be there and it's my job I didn't know when I was making a sandwich if the bread goes on top you forgot how a sandwich works yeah and I needed you to be here to show me so I was like get here fast well yeah and also I liked going to your house it's fun there it's pretty nice yeah it is all those portraits of me the statues in the yard yeah I love seeing that stuff yeah me on horseback naked oh god I'd say shave the back of my statue so you know what's so crazy is that I would call you Sona and I would say I can't do this and you would say yes you can you have a phobia about it but it's very intuitive and you would coach me and I would realize that I'm very tech phobic and I will think, I can't do this.

1:00:06This isn't something I could ever figure out in a million years. And because of you, I do try a lot now. Before I call anybody, I try to see if I could figure it out. And then when blue foam starts coming out of my device, I know it's time to get David on the horn. I'm really proud of you. He learned how to put things in his calendar on his own. Oh, hey, you're doing it. Yeah. Oh, good job, bud. It's like we're talking about a one-legged turtle. That one-legged turtle. He learned how to make a poopy. Good for you, Mr. Gibbles. I'll take it. All right. This is a serious question. Would you, if my life was in danger, would you put yourself between me and the danger?

1:00:50Sona. You know what? Like, would I sacrifice myself for you? Yeah. Would you sacrifice your life for mine? I probably would have before I had kids. Now I won't. No, but I honestly You're fired No, but I mean, I was gonna say That's crazy What do you mean before I had kids? I know, I'm not like Secret Service, I'm gonna jump in front of a bullet For you, but I think that I would have I think that And I don't know if you feel this too The need to protect you And make sure you are good Is more so Within the two of us than it is in a lot of people Yes. And I give you a lot of credit for that because all joking aside, there were times when I was on tour in 2010.

1:01:38I remember I think I was in Eugene, Oregon, and we did a show. And afterwards I said, hey, everybody meet me at this like there was a sculpture or something of a big red wagon. Yeah. I said, everybody meet me there. And I really went there because I want it to be kind of like an Andy Kaufman happening. And there was a huge crowd there and you were with me. But then it was just so many people. You got sucked into this crowd. Sucked into this massive crowd. And then I saw you later back at the hotel and you were freaked out and you were mad at me. You were like, I didn't know how to protect you.

1:02:09And I said, you don't, that's not your job in those situations. I know, that's my job in those situations. That's true. But you're very, yeah, you've always, look, all joking aside, I love you. And you've always been, you take really good care of me. Yeah. David, not so much. Ah, there it is. Hey, we were in New York and you cut your head open. Excuse me. Are you filing? What are you doing back then? I'm sorry. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? I'm getting all the ads ready. Yeah, can you not do that right now? Yes, I'm sorry. Okay, I keep trying to remove paper from people.

1:02:45I'm sorry. Gourley was doing it the other day and now you are, I think you're putting your thesis together. I didn't realize you were at Princeton. I should have done this outside the studio. Would you drop it on the floor right now? Drop it. God damn. Sorry about that. I'm trying to talk to you guys, and he's over here. He's not going to jump in front of a bullet for you. Guess what? I wish you would. Because I'm hiring that guy now. He's the one who's going to shoot you. That's right. He's going to be the bullet that you shoot. I want you to shoot me and jump in front of that bullet, and all your papers will go flying.

1:03:18I'm on it. I'm on it. Okay, here we go. Oh, my God. David, go ahead. I was going to say, we were in New York one or two trips ago, and you, I get a text from Liza that you cut your head open and I ran to a CVS and got you all the medicine, all the band-aids. You did. And you did. So that's, I don't know where I'm going with that. Oh, I know what I did. Yeah. I walked into like a low hanging lamp because I'm a freak. Yeah. It's not meant for people of your height. No. They like hung a lamp and they thought, don't worry. 99.9 % of the people won't hit this lamp with the rusty corner. Yeah. Yeah, I slammed into it and there was blood shooting everywhere.

1:03:56It was like bruised. Yeah, yeah. But you did go get a bunch of poultices. I got everything CVS had. Various treatments, herbs, remedies. It was, but would you, let's say the moment comes down to it and it's my life for yours, would you make the ultimate sacrifice? This is a crazy question. You know what? Huh? This should have been in the interview. Would you? I think that we really won't know until it happens. Okay. Yeah, that's a good answer. It'll be a game time decision. Yeah. You just gave me your answer. What cafe are both of you working at? Yeah. You know what? I think one of, we do need to stay behind to let Liza know you died.

1:04:39Yeah. This is so dark. Yeah. You're right. Yes. You're right. You know, how's she going to know? And you know what? You'll both be chomping on sandwiches when you call it. Anyway. Yeah, he didn't make it. But it's really bad. No, no. No, no. I want hummus on the side. Hummus. Hummus. Come on. I said it correctly. But why is it always hummus? You eat a lot of hummus. I do like it. I mean, sometimes you don't even have hummus, but you have it in your pockets. Yeah. You have hummus on you at all times. I wish. I really wish. I wish it was like a bowl and I was just dipping pita chips in it all the time.

1:05:14Listen, you guys are both fantastic. I will say that. I'll deny it. I'm glad this isn't being recorded. You're both fantastic. Oh, why are we recording these? And let's get back to Blaze shuffling papers noisily off camera so that my ads are in the right order when I read them 20 minutes after we end this recording. Incredible. Thanks, both of you. Godspeed. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

1:05:59Take it away, Jimmy.

1:06:03Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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