Kaley Cuoco Returns

23:12And suddenly I'm realizing that, oh, I'm just in that phase where I can't. I love it. That kid thing is so fun. I'm sure you guys do. Like, we'll have her all day. And then I'm like, oh, finally. And we put her to bed. I'm like, oh. And then I'm sitting there watching videos that I took of her. I'm like, what are you doing? Go live, lady. I do that about my shows from the late 90s. You do? I toss that up for you. Yeah, no, no. I watch them and I'm like, oh my God, look at him. Oh, look at him. He's still in his forties. Look how he eats with his hands. Yeah, look out. You can tell he's shitting himself.

23:57And then I send them to people. You got to check this out. This is me with Christine Baranski. Check it out. Wait, why am I looking at this? Aren't I adorable? No. You seem weird. My face hurts. But I would, you can't take, that's the only thing I tell parents is you cannot take enough video. Like you just have to have cameras rolling all the time because it doesn't, yeah. Just constant funny stuff. It's ridiculous. She's going, pointing right now and going, uh-oh, everything's uh-oh. But it's so funny, like I want to send videos to everyone. And I'm like, why? No one's going to think this is cute but me.

24:38Because I remember when my friends would send me, I'm like, oh, great. She's saying, uh-oh. Now I'm like, look, our child's saying, uh-oh. Like, everything's so exciting. It just means your baby's neurotic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Later at 45, uh-oh. Well, she would be if she got swords coming out of her face in her classes. Oh, my God, yes. She is totally immersed. Uh-oh. Doing stunt work, you know. Now, what are you going to what's your feeling going to be down the road? Because it's so interesting. It's like you got started so young doing what you're doing. And then you think about your daughter coming to you and saying, I want to do that.

25:15And your attitude might be very different. Like, listen, I survived that, but I don't want that for you. I had such a good experience growing up as an actor. I had like the best parents. And I mean, Tom and I were actors. I'm like, she's probably going to be something like that. Or maybe the she's very, you know, she's loves to show off and be on the video, loves to stare at herself. I mean, she's our child for sure. Loves watching her own videos, loves to catch herself in the mirror and like keeps looking. We're like, yes, we know. We get it. You know, she's very entertained with the things that she does.

25:48I think she probably will do something like that. But my experience was so great. You had a good experience. I really did. And I started so young. And if she wants to. What was your first gig, your first paying gig? How old were you? Oh my gosh. I did so many Barbie commercials when I was there. I was like the first Barbie girl. Really? Yes. Like, I was probably between five and seven, and I did like 10 Barbie commercials. I actually, yeah, I was talking about this the other day. I think we were talking about it on Kimmel because they wanted to see some of them, and I couldn't even, like, they don't even exist anymore.

26:18Right. Like, they're that long ago. But those were my first couple things. And then the first, I did a TV miniseries where I played, Felicity Huffman played my mom, Donald Sutherland played my grandpa, and Tim Matheson played my dad, and I was five. And I remember the weird part is I remember every moment of it. I remember my mom taking me there. I remember my little schooling I had to do. I remember going to set. I remember sitting on Felicity's lap, doing the scene, being told what to say and like had like the best. I mean, it was just, you know, I loved every second of it. So my experience was very good.

26:50But my parents were amazing and they did it right. And I did like a bunch of other things. I wasn't just acting. I think we talked about this last time. I wasn't just acting. I was like, OK, now you have your tennis lesson. Now you're going to go to camp. Now you're going to do this. So there was never like, I didn't get a job. It wasn't like that for me. It wasn't that effective for me. So good. I mean, it's fascinating. Like the times I've spoken to Ron Howard and he had such success throughout his whole childhood, but clearly his parents were on the ball. And same with Shirley Temple, you know, just there's people whose parents are all over.

27:27And then, of course, there are parents that unknowingly, but they're not well. They're not well people. And we've talked to some, I mean, we were talking to Natasha Lyonne about it. And she was saying, it's funny, she wasn't blaming her parents. She was saying they did the best they could, but they weren't well. And she got a tough deal, you know. And you just think about all these people whose parents are living through their kids, their own disappointments. Yeah, that's really tough. I just did not have that experience. I was very, very lucky. So, you know, if that's what Matilda wants to do, I can't really tell her not to because I loved my experience so much.

28:07I can't be like, don't do that. Don't do that. Because I loved it. Eventually, they have to find their own way. Yeah. As long as you control their finance. Right. Yeah. What? Wait, what? Yeah. Isn't that the whole point? Control their finance? It sounded very aggressive. It did. It sounded devious actually. You did, and evil. I probably shouldn't have stroked my non-existent goatee when I said it. There's literally a dollar sign above your head right now. What's going on? You can see those? Yes, the ones above your car when I drove in. I must control their finances.

28:46We were chatting about you. You were so, I remember last time you came and you brought us these mugs. Yes. And then I didn't, what I didn't realize at the time is mugs is like a fixation of yours. You love mugs. I love, I did bring you guys mugs. You brought us mugs. We arrived after. Oh, you got them. I never, I never knew if they went into the abyss of mail. No, no, no. The mugs are beautiful. That means we never thanked you. And I'm sorry. So thank you. Sorry. Well, the mugs did say drop dead on them. It was just a weird thing. They were beautiful mugs. And it's so beautiful. I still have mine.

29:19Mine said never again. Yours said never again. Mine said drop dead. Drop dead. And yours said never have children. Oh, my God. That's right. Yes. You all got the wrong ones. Oh, shit. Yeah. I was supposed to get never have children. Yours was drop dead. Drop dead is mine. That makes sense. Doesn't this make sense? So you love mugs, but you need them to have a very hostile message on it. Yes, because it makes you happy and then immediately steals your joy. It was sweet because you are among, I think, Randall Park was the only other person to bring something. He brought whiskey. And we're not putting it out there that people need to bring something.

29:52Yes, we are. Yeah. But these were like wonderful little equestrian mugs with chocolates in them. And it was so kind. We still drink out of that mug to this day. Oh, do we? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I'm so happy to know that they made it here. My mug was sent to the Conan O 'Brien Museum in Orlando, Florida. What else do they have there? It's your mug. Oh. It's, Jesus, there's not much. No, it's not a lot. It's a pillow that Al Roker leaned against. Oh, okay. 1994. Some of my original pomade. Oh, wow. It's not a well-visited museum. Not a lot of people go there. But also they do a free lube job there.

30:31We got a lot of people. You mean a car? Oil change? For cars. Oh, but also lubricating people that want sex. Wait, what did you mean? I thought you were talking about an oil change. But you meant, okay, because you said lube job. Yeah, both. Okay, okay. So they're lubricating genitalia. Well, they do both. At your museum? I took a, yeah, a Mazda Miata can come in. Well, it's just a thing to try and get people to visit the museum. Right, yeah. It's in someone's basement. Wow. We say it's a museum. Look, it's just, it's really more of a trap than a museum. Okay. But anyway, it's important. It's Orlando, check it out.

31:10Oh my God. Honestly, it's Florida. It doesn't surprise me at all. The people in Florida know, and they're like, whatever, it's fine. That makes sense. They're like, we got so much shit to deal with. run your little fake museum trap. Your loop job. Your loop job. They don't care over there. Like we got real problems here. They don't care over there. Oh man, I'm so glad you loved your mugs. I love coffee mugs. That's my love language. You know, what's interesting, whenever I'm anywhere, that's my big weakness is if they, I look in some of these travel shows that I've done over the years, I always want to find, is there a mug here?

31:44When I was on the DMZ, the line between North Korea and South Korea, I was like, do you have any mugs? I mean, I'm just always looking for like a line down the middle of it. Like it's half north and half south. They have a gift shop to access the DMZ. You have to drive and either side of the road is mined. It's filled with landmines. It's crazy. One of the craziest experiences I've ever had. And you drive along and I went there with Steven Yeun. Yeah. And we get there and there is a room that's half in South Korea, half in North Korea. Oh, my God. And so we shot a little bit there where he did the weather from the window that looks out on South Korea.

32:20And I did the one that looks out on North Korea. But then there's a gift shop. And you've never seen a gift shop like the one they have there. All kinds of stuff. And I was just my main obsession was I've got to get a coffee mug. That's what I do. I get the coffee mugs from wherever we go. I also make a ton. I put pictures on them and give them as gifts. I'm obsessed with that. But I can't. So hotels and stuff makes me crazy because the mugs are always like small, like cappuccino mugs. That's a good mug. I love this mug. I don't know. Someone gave me this mug. I wish I could remember, or maybe I found it.

32:52I can't remember. But anyway, this is the correct size. He's holding a well-sized mug in his hand. Yes. I have large hands. I'm a large man, and I need a big mug. Yes. And this is the right size. And I know what you mean. Those little - What is that? Shot of coffee? So I have to travel with my mugs, and I travel with my coffee makers. That's crazy. Well, I brought it here. So if you have a choice between - In case you didn't have what I wanted. You have a choice between bringing your daughter or your special mugs. You leave your daughter at a motel. A thousand percent. I need my mugs because I need my coffee to deal with her.

33:23Are these ceramic mugs with these break or are they like travel mugs? I pack them very nicely or I'll make sure I have one when I arrive. I'm a real diva, you guys, when I travel. Yeah, you can't call you mama. Hey, mama! Where's your mug, mama? Don't you dare! Will you send someone out for some Taco Bell really quick? I know I had this whole facade of being really easy breezy, but not at all. Do you still, you still have the craving for the Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell. Sona. Freaking love Taco Bell. When Sona was working full-time as my assistant, I remembered how often we'd be driving around and we would pass a sign for Taco, like we'd pass a Taco Bell and you would always say the same thing.

34:00You'd be like, I could murder me some Taco Bell right now. And then you would go through the whole menu. Yeah. But I love that it was very aggressive. Like I could go in there and massacre some Taco Bell. Yes. I love Taco Bell too. I do too. And we're not getting paid right now by Taco Bell. You don't. Tiptoe around Taco Bell, you do. You devour it. You do murder it. Yes, you murder it. That's what it's there for, you know? Because it's gonna murder you later. Exactly. I had an incision made in my body that can be open where you can just push the Taco Bell. Yeah. And the doctor said, 50-50 chance you die from this operation.

34:31But it's worth it. And then the doctor said, is this so you can shove Taco Bell directly in here? And I said, yes. And he said, we've done many of these. Yeah. And I put it in with the wrapping. Doesn't matter. Wow, with the wrapping. Yeah. You're savage. I am savage. You are. You're living on the edge. The wrapping. The wrapping. Why don't you just unwrap it? This is my Taco Bell port. You might want to get an MRI. Yeah. Or get it checked out. Those things are expensive. I don't know. I've been a lot of pain, but I'm not going to. Kaylee, I have a question. Did you do a lot of improv when you were studying acting or preparing?

35:08Or did you just, is this just you? You are, you're one of the best yes anders. You are just, you just. No, but you really are. You like, you're very fun. And so I always thought, oh, Kaylee must have started out doing improv. Like so many people I talk to. That is so nice. No, I'm not like a, I'm not comedian. I didn't, comedian, I didn't take that path. I never did improv. Rob, I took one acting class when I was 10 years old. Did I already tell this story? I feel like I probably did. Okay. I don't think so. I don't think so. And you know what? I've told so many stories so many times over about my career in porno.

35:42So yeah. Everyone knows the story. We know that story very well. No, I took one acting class when I was 10 years old and I had, it was like, there was a bunch of kids my age and I had to do a scene and the acting teacher said to me in front of all my peers. You will not make it. She said, you, you act, you are a pots and pans actor is what we call someone like you. I was 10. And what she meant by that was I was messy, not sophisticated. That was what she said to me. And I went home and I bawled my eyes out on that. I mean, I could cry, cry now is really PTSD. And my mom, I said, I'm not going back to that class.

36:21And she goes, yeah, you're going to finish the class. I was like, please don't make me go back. I don't want to go back. She thinks I'm so bad. I suck. I suck. My mom made me go back. I ended up finishing the class. It was like a few months, whatever I had to do. I never took another class again. But that woman, yeah, literally said that to me. And from that point on, I've never forgotten that because I actually do think I am that kind of actor in a way. But in a way, I think that was like a good thing. Yeah. But she was not thinking that was a good thing. We had a couple of people like Harrison Ford has come on here and had a similar experience with Jerry Tarkovsky.

36:53And then who else came? Do you want to name this? Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy Ellis Ross. Lizzie Porter. Wow. How do you remember her name? I just do. You know, it's funny. We talk about these things because I always a secret mission of mine in this podcast. Mostly it's just to have fun. But if I had a theme that I like to pursue, it's a little inspirational for people listening, which is it's good for people to hear from you that you were told no. And we've had so many people come in here who've had these incredible careers and they share these stories. And I think that's good for people to know that.

37:29It's good for people also to know that some of that insecurity and some of that doesn't go away later on. Oh, no. Just because you've had a lot of success, it's still there. That actually drives me now because I laugh. I'm like, I am kind of like that. I have created my own way and that's completely fine. But I definitely was told that I was terrible a long, long time ago and that I would never make it and that I wasn't sophisticated enough to like, you know. And then, you know, it's interesting because you have this, you know, crazy success with Big Bang Theory. And I've heard you say that when that was over, you thought, well, I guess that's it.

38:06You know, people will see me on the street for the rest of my life and say, oh, hi, Penny. How are you doing? And your career since then has been you shapeshifting in all these cool ways. Yeah. You know, whether it's like the flight attendant or like in role play, you do these things where you get to do light comedy, but also you get to be very serious or wounded or put through the ringer. And you do that beautifully. And so now I feel like you've carved out this space where no one could say you're that's OK. We'll let you know, Miss Sitcom, when we need you. But you know what I mean? Thank you.

38:43Thank you. I mean, I laugh. If I was known as Penny for the rest of my life, I'm more than fine with that. It was like one of the best experiences. It got me to where I am literally right now. It was amazing. And I learned so much on that show and had a blast. Yeah, I didn't. I kind of thought that, too. I'm like, well, maybe I'll do sitcoms forever. And by the way, I love I love doing sitcoms. I love the schedule. I love an audience. So I wasn't I had nothing against it. And then when I found Flight Attendant, I'm like, oh, maybe maybe I could do this. Like people might, I don't know if they're going to believe I can do it, but I think I can do it.

39:13And then kind of created, I wanted to do that drama, but also bring in, I always have to add a little, you know, a little comedy in there. And we kind of turned it into that and kind of formed our own little tone. And that's what I've, what I've run with. Yeah. I was saying the same thing, watching the movie that you just did, where I thought there are really fun, funny moments, but then there are also moments where I don't know, is someone getting killed right now? Yeah. And I love that that's the era that I think a whole generation has come up with. Yeah. Which is we don't, and there's so many amazing shows like Breaking Bad that could be hilariously funny and comical.

39:53Bryan Cranston in his tighty-whities yelling while his meth lab blows up. So many great comedy moments. and then some of the deepest pathos that I've seen, that's everywhere now. I know. I know. It's so crazy. I can't believe how long I've been doing this. I mean, truly. You're 77 years old. I'm 77 years old. And I want to thank you for your service in the Korean War. I'm 3 ,000 months old. I think you were there. I've done a lot. You were at the DMZ long before they had a gift shop. And God bless you for it. I have been around. I have been around. The work you did to get Dwight Eisenhower elected puts you in rare company.

40:36Really rare company. No, it's like, God, I've been doing this so long at this point now. I just want to work with people I love to work with. I want to have fun. I want to do jobs that are fun. I mean, dude, when I heard I got to come back. Did you just call me dude? Yeah. Okay, that's it. Listen, I'm 3 ,000 months old, okay? I'm trying to get back with the young kids.

40:59We speak in months now. I was about to give you a compliment. Oh, wait, you're getting a note. Am I fired? For you to hand me this note. Well, what was I supposed to do? I don't know how am I supposed to. He looked at me then like, give me that note. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed right now. I just got this note from Adam Sachs. You're not coming across as very masculine.

41:20Why did you just notice that now? I did ask him to tell me, please, I want to look super masculine all the time. How is that not a note every show that we do? Every single recording, I would give you that note. That's fine. Okay, I'm sorry, Bill, you're like a total dude. Sorry. It wouldn't be great if I got notes constantly throughout. Just constantly sliding across the table. What I just witnessed was appalling. I know. I was in the middle of giving you a compliment. You're a compliment, you know what? And you guys are talking over here. Can I say something? Adam and Matt, they root against me.

41:56Yeah, I know. Which I think, and so they saw me getting this probably compliment. And then they throw that over there. And then they're, you know, let's tell him he could, you know, butch it up a bit. Yes. And, you know, we're talking a lot about, you know, and I was gonna write, she's lying. Yes.

42:15This is the funniest part of the interview. Oh my God. I do want to bring something up, which is I am a dog lover. You are a dog lover. And a cat tolerator. We have two cats, but the cats, and I do love cats. I grew up with a little cat when I was a kid. I asked my parents, could I have a cat? They let me have a cat, even though we were six kids and it was madness in the house. My parents were nice enough to drive me to the animal shelter, and I got a little white cat that I named Pebbles. Obviously. And was ridiculed for years, but that was my cat. Big part of my life. Now we have two cats that live with us, and they just don't like me.

42:54No, I know. It's so frustrating. And they are so affectionate with my wife. They're like crawling all over her and looking at me. And every now and then, even though it's hard because they just have paws, they'll give me the finger. Cats know. They know. They know. Cats know. Yeah. Screw you. But we also have, we have had a succession of dogs. I love dogs. Oh, what do you have now? We have a Golden and his name is Loki and our kids named him when he was a puppy because he was mischievous and they said, oh, that's the Norse god of... Oh my gosh. And he's lived up to his name, but he is pretty much all we talk about in the house.

43:34And I have two kids who are fascinating, multidimensional people, but I come home and I'm like, what did Loki do today? And it's all we talk about. I know. But I know this is a big part of your life. Huge. First of all, I would love to send you, I just came out with a pet line, so I want to send you all of our products. What's the pet line? It is all eco-friendly dog products. And it's we're doing shampoos. We're doing snacks that's coming out soon. We're doing wipes for the paws. We're doing we're doing teeth cleaning. a bunch of different things. Because the food makes a big difference. I know.

44:06That's another thing, too, is I grew up a long time ago, and no one thought about this. It was just, you know, you just here's the dog chow, or here's... And you would just put things in their bowl, and then you realize how much of a difference it makes. I know. It really does. No, I'm excited about it. I mean, obviously, anyone that knows me, I'm a huge animal lover. We have five dogs right now. You have five? Yes, that's all we talk about. We talk about our dogs more than we talk about our kid. She's like Mowgli. Yeah. She literally thinks she's, I'm not joking. What's weird is like, she doesn't notice when they crawl on her.

44:41Like, I almost think there's like, she is sociopathic. Like, she just, she's like one of them. She never notices them because they've always just been there. Right. Like, she just sits there and they sit with her and there's no, there's no difference. It's like, she's a baby wolf. That's, but I think that could be really good. Does she, she'll probably never stand. By the way, refuses. She'll run through the woods on all fours. When did your, now we're jumping all over the place, but my child will not stand or crawl or do anything that requires any effort whatsoever. But if she's in her walker, she's like a Ferrari around the house, but doesn't want to do any effort other than that.

45:23Won't stand, won't do anything. Should I be concerned? I'm jealous because ours was early to the point She was like a Roomba that just had to get out of the house and create havoc. Oh, my God. How many months when she was crawling? One. I mean, she just fell early. No, I'm kidding. She crawled out. She did. She crawled out of your wife. She walked out standing out of your wife, chipped a cap, and said top of the morning to y 'all. She's been early with everything, but in a kind of like, she's just too clever. She's too clever. So I would say don't worry. I mean, you take this however you want.

46:00I was very late to stand. I was very late to stand and talk. Be worried. Very late. How late? Uh-oh. 1992. Oh, no. Yeah. I remember. Yeah. I remember it was towards the end of Cheers. I was 9 ,600 months. No, I was in my 30s. and I stood and said, now that's a sitcom. You walked out on the late night show in a walker. One of the baby walkers. It was all baby walkers. Yeah, one of those little things that you're suspended. And a bouncy thing. But you know, it's good because I had a Zweibach's cookies and orange juice on the little trays around me on the circuit. Yeah. And I was like, welcome to the show everybody.

46:46Yeah, I'm taking over for Letterman. Hey look, a cookie. Chomp, chomp.

46:54Wow. Well, I won't be worried then. No, don't worry about it. She's got plenty of time. There are all those stories about, you know, Einstein. All the great people, including myself. Didn't walk till they were 19. I'm Einstein. People do compare you to Einstein. I get that a lot. I've heard that a lot. Yeah. Well, just about aging poorly. Okay, right. Nothing about intellect. Aging poorly and I own some land in Princeton, New Jersey. That's about it. Oh my God. but you guys are ruining my Botox again. It's like last time. I should have gone tomorrow, not yesterday. And I knew it and I was like - I hear it was cracking.

47:33Yeah, yeah. This isn't even my face. It sounds like tectonic plates are cracking. I'm gonna start getting shit done. Are you? I gotta get some shit done. This eye vein under my eye has to go. No. It's gotta go. I love you just the way you are. I was looking at - That's not what the note you just passed out. Yeah. It says aging badly. on that note he's about to pass me. I'm going to say something different to make myself look good, but read this note. Oh my God. Tell me the name of your line because I want to get the word out. Oh, Norman. Oh, Norman. Yes, I know this because that's named after your late dog.

48:09Yes, so my beloved dog Norman died a few years ago, but I had him for 14 years and I named my production company after him too. So it's Yes, Norman Productions and then Oh, Norman is the pet line. I know. So it's in his name. We love our dogs. Well, a friend of mine, I have a really good friend, Charlotte Bain, and she's very knowledgeable about dogs. And she was talking to me about O Norman a while ago. Really? Yeah. She has a website called The Baroo that is all things dogs. But every day she's at our house talking to us because she helps us take care of our - We had two. One of them passed.

48:44But I think we're getting another dog, too. You have to. I just have to. It's like - I love just - I think it's because I grew up as one of six kids. And my grandmother lived with us and there were animals around. There was just chaos. And my family unit is much smaller. There's four of us. One's away at college. And so I just want more. I love it when the dog's running through the room. A cat's jumping on the chandelier. My wife's swinging a broom at me. I don't know why she's holding a broom. I've never seen her use a broom. Do you guys have a broom? You've never seen it. No, we bought a broom just so she could swing it at you.

49:24She could swing it at you. Yeah. No, it's so true, though. We had two friends over the other night, and we have five dogs, obviously, and a baby. And they were laughing. They're like, this is the best place ever. You sit down, there's a dog on you, or a baby, or one's running across. I mean, it's total insanity. But you get to have something in your arms when you're at our house. Our house is absolutely crazy. But it would be weird if it wasn't. That's how I grew up, too. And so did Todd. Yeah, I think I'm uncomfortable when things are too quiet and too sane. My wife grew up very differently. And so she's always quietly in the corner making herself.

49:58I mean, I grew up around people that were just constantly eating giant pork chops and throwing the bones at each other. And I've told this story too many times. My mother once tried to get us all to quiet down by tossing a potato through the center of the kitchen. And it went through the window and the neighbors just heard yelling. and then a potato came out the window. And so that's the kind of - The metaphor there. I know, it's so crazy. And my mother, of course, a very accomplished woman who very much wanted us to behave like we are lace curtain Irish, we are high class Irish and we are not gonna crash.

50:31There goes a potato. Potato goes out the window. Potato. But then now I'm living with this person who's always in the corner and she's very beautiful and she's always pouring herself. She's making herself a little broth. She's making, or she's boiled some hot water and she's pouring it over some basil leaves because she read somewhere that can be good for the skin of a knuckle. And she's... Of a knuckle? Whatever. I don't know. I read somewhere. So this warming and I'm like, I just want to drink some mead and chew on a ham and then jump through a window and whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, I definitely know what I mean.

51:11You've seen me. I'm a big monster. He loves me. I've seen you when you're unhinged. And it is, you know, you usually have good self-control, but sometimes when you're like, I'm just going to eat whatever, it's insane. I can, I'm one of those people who, someone recently told me, I was talking to some doctor and he said, oh yes, we know, I know what you are. You're all or nothing. And that is what I am. I'm all or nothing. So if you told me tomorrow, there's something I have to do in three months. And so I can't eat for three months and I can't, I have to work out all the time to do this, but it's important that you do it for this reason.

51:40I could do that. But the minute it was done, I have to then go equally hard the other way. And I just, to an insane degree. So yeah, I have, you've seen me truly lose my mind. Put one pizza in between two other pizzas and eat all three pizzas like that's a sandwich. The pizza sandwich. Yeah, you love that. That's good. That's a good, it's very healthy for you too, apparently. It is healthy. I totally understand the all or nothing. I'm the same way, black or white. I mean, literally working on this in therapy, trying to find the gray in life, which I never have been able to do. You and I are similar in that we both really like to work.

52:17You love to work. I do. I really do love to work. But now you're probably finding, when you dip your toe in that other pond of, especially having a child. Nope, still want to go to work. Ready to go to work right now. Ready to head to set. Right this second. If anyone wants to hire me right now, just head on over. I don't need to go back home. I'm just writing this down. No maternal feelings. Can you, is there a way you can add? Don't call me Baba. Eduardo, can you add maternal feelings? Yeah, all today we've heard is, I just want to work. And if one person refers to me being a mother, they're dead, dead.

52:58You're right. This has been very eye-opening even for me. You need a lot of help. I know, I'm concerned. And then you said, my daughter just hangs out with the dogs and they're all the same. I don't know which is the dog and which is the daughter. Okay. You're a sick, dangerously sick person. I am. I have learned a lot about myself today. Well, if we've accomplished nothing else, I think we just saved a child. I think it is. From a monster. Child services is waiting for you. I know, they really are. They should be out there waiting for you as you come out. CPS waiting for me, yeah. Well, they won't see my car because I parked in the lot.

53:33Oh, that's why. That's why. Guess what? Miles away. I bet you that's why you hid your car. You thought this might be a sting operation. The CBS is following me. Kaylee, just park right here, it's fine. Conan's not leaving, he works here. No, no, no, no, I should probably park it underneath those bushes over there. And then cover it with a bunch of twigs. Why'd you cover it with twigs, Kaylee? I'll be laying low for a while. You guys won't hear from me for a little while. I gotta lay low. Well, you are the dictionary definition of a delight. You really are. Oh, you're so, can I give you the compliment I was going to give you before I was rudely interrupted by everyone.

54:11Oh, we are out of time. Jeez. Okay, go ahead. I'm getting a note now. Conan, take a shower. I stink. No, I was going to say, when you guys asked me to come back, I was so touched, so honored to be a second-time arrival, and I couldn't wait because you, from one of the first talk shows I ever did, you were so, look, it's scary to do that sort of thing when you're new, and you were so amazing, and you made me, you made me laugh so hard and i told i told someone after someone on my team i said he's one of those that saves you i'm like he's a saver so if you start to maybe you're missing you dive in and no one ever knows and you save the day and you say something funny or you do something that no one realizes there was a lag and that is such a nice thing and so coming here is like a part i couldn't wait well that's very sweet of you to say but you know what no one needs less saving.

55:08I'll tell you that right now. There are people that are in my life who've needed saving and I do like to help people who need help in that moment, but good God, you do not need any help. You're very sweet. This is such a fun room. Also, my fiancé sent a video to you and he wants you to watch it because he's a big fan. Oh, that's so nice. I was going to have him come. Once he says hi and he's just a big fan. We got to hang sometime. Oh, suddenly you're busy, aren't you? Did you guys see that? We should hang sometime. And you know what? I've never seen the light go out of someone's eyes so quickly.

55:42It's like I asked you for a kidney. No, I didn't. Did you, we have that on tape? Oh my God, please get the video. You will see a soul leave a body. I can't understand why someone with a nine month old and 19 dogs wouldn't want to hang. She's 10 months today. We'll see. 10 months. Like you know her birthday. I don't. I don't. I Googled it before I walked in because I knew you guys would ask. I've got to Google my child's name. What's her name? Well, tell your husband, I would love to your fiance. I would love to hang with him or meet him or whatever. That's so nice. He would love to meet you, too.

56:19He loves you. Well, role play. Really good. Thank you. It's on Prime Video. And I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm thinking about the first time I went over and taped a bit over on the Big Bang set. Yes. And you guys were all there. Yes. And I, because I was next door. And I remember thinking this is like the number one show on television. And you could expect a set like that to be tense and weird. And you were the, it was just a group of nice people. Yeah. And I thought something's very wrong. You're suspicious. I went back to my set and created the sort of creepy tension that I think you need.

57:00It worked out well for you. Kaylee, we absolutely adore you. Love you guys. You can come back here anytime. This was like a joy for me today. I couldn't wait to get here. And I can't wait to hang out with you and your fiance. I got to head out now. It's going to take four miles for me to walk to get to my car. So I got to head out now. I need a Gatorade. Can you send me with a sandwich? Yes, we'll send you with a sandwich. Because it's a long walk. Yeah. Thank you. Have a cooler. Thank you.

57:35Hey, guys. It's time for the third act segment. And we don't have an idea for this segment. There's literally nothing that we can think of to talk about. We've given it absolutely no thought. I know. Usually I come up with so many ideas. Oh, so not. Yeah. My kids went to sleep. My kids woke up. My kids ate something. It's all about my kids these days. I have nothing else going on. I don't know what else is happening. We'll get back to us in 20 years, you know? What? I'm just saying. Then they'll be doing all kinds of cool stuff. Well, they do cool stuff now. No, no. I mean when they're hitting the clubs.

58:05I'm not going to talk to you about when they're hitting the clubs. Anyway. I'm sorry. You can't live vicariously through my kids. I want to know what it's like to be young and cool. 20 years. You're going to be 80. Have you ever once hit a club? I've never hit a club. Yeah, I haven't either. Never once in my life. Yeah. Sona? Yeah. Yes. Club hitter? I was. I love the clubs. You actually, Sona tore it up back in the day. I know, that's what I hear. We've talked about this. I mean, they weren't expensive clubs. They were, you know. Excuse you. Price club? We know people. We got into places. We were cool.

58:36What do you mean? Like, what's a good place that you went? What do you do? Like, I would say something and you would even know if it was cool or not. What was it? Club Fantastique? Was it Club Geronimo? Was it Club Cacao? Club Cacao? Did you go to Mudroom? Did you go to, you know, Giacomo Joe's? Where did you go? Keep going. What else? What other clubs do you know? Oily Sam's? Yeah. What about Flophouse, which was a German club? Yeah. Yeah, I went to all of those places. The places where you guys would stand across the street just, like, staring at the people. Yeah. And pleasuring ourselves. Oh, Conan.

59:10No, with our clothes on. I meant with our clothes on. Just wearing bulky parkas, but just rubbing our chestal areas. Ew. No, no, no. I had no club life. You didn't like dancing? Don't you like dancing? No, I never went dancing. A club, the thought of an after-hours thumping Hollywood nightclub gives me so much anxiety. When I see it in movies, it's upsetting to me because I need to yap. I need to talk to people. And I also, my only weapon was my spiel. And so the idea that you would take that away with loud club music? No, you would also, you have money that you could get a nice table in the middle of the dance floor.

59:56Now I do. But for years I didn't. I guess. For years I was, you know, driving a 77 Isuzu Opal and wearing clothes that I had worn in high school that I had stolen from my brother Luke. And then I'm going to be in the end, you know, like waiting for my skin to clear up. I'm going to be. You and Greg and Rodman and you guys never just like went out. Yeah, if you ever want to know what the opposite of entourage was, like literally the negative image of entourage, it was my posse in the late 80s. Is there a gluten free bun? The opposite of entourage. Absolute fucking opposite. There was a place here in LA when we first moved out here called Flaky Jake's.

1:00:40Oh, I remember that place. It was a restaurant too, right? Yeah, it was a restaurant, but what you did is you got like a tray and you built your, you built, and my friend Greg figured out, he was like, we gotta go to Flaky Jake's cause he figured out you could just buy the hamburger bun for like 30 cents. And then you could take it through the salad bar and just pour a salad in between the two buns and make a sandwich that costs basically 35 cents that was made of stuff at a salad bar. And he would eat it and just be like, man, and we got the system beat. And this was my wingman. This was my wingman.

1:01:19Hey ladies. Ladies. Who wants to go out? You want to go out to dinner? Sure, you guys seem cool. We'll go out to dinner with you. All right, we're going to Flaky Jake's and dinner is on us. There's two of you, so that's 60 cents. Greg gets one bun, I get the other bun. Who wants ranch? Now who wants French on top of ranch? Now who wants croutons on a bun? Now who wants coleslaw on that? Oh my God. Insane. All the same, I would way rather do that than go to a club. I liked letting loose. I like just going someplace and just like having drinks with my friends and just like letting loose. It was nice.

1:02:01I had a lot of fun. I had good times. But also you were a very uninhibited person. Like you were, and this is not, but you were someone who, you could meet a fella and then be making out with him on the dance floor. and there was no problem. Sure, yeah. You weren't afraid of a little PDF, you know? PDA. PDF is a document. What I'm saying is you were not afraid. You were not afraid to call up a document on your screen in a loud club with a guy you don't really know. Oh my God, you weren't afraid of a little Microsoft X, were you? You had some time for a Pages doc or let's say an Adobe Photoshop JPEG on a hot night, maybe even a gift.

1:02:43Woo! Yeah, no, I did. That's how unfamiliar I am with a PDA, is that I call it a PDA. Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is, I used to come back, in the early days when you were, you would come back with stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be listening like they were ghost stories. I was like, oh my goodness. I actually put on pearls so I could clutch them. Oh my. No, you're right. I think, yeah, you and I are different that way. Right, that you enjoyed life. No. It's that, you know, you're a lot more, you know, just like... Those are just noises. You're not saying words. No, but I mean, you know.

1:03:20Yeah. You're a lot more buttoned up than I am. Yes. Which is, I think, good. Oh, come on. I think I was a little too much to the extreme. You were a little extreme, but also I had my time. I had my time. Let's just say I had my time. Okay, you PDF. Flaky Jakes. You brought a PDF to Flaky Jakes? No, post Flaky Jakes. There was a period where I briefly got it together. Okay. It was basically during the first George Bush administration. I see. All right. Leading into the early Clinton administration. Okay, see? Let's just say I was quite a, I mean, yeah. Do you have a nickname? Now, my definition of got it together is probably different from yours.

1:03:54No, but still, you went outside your comfort zone. Sure. Okay. Yeah. What did they call you in that period? They called you the Red Rooster. Oh, God. It's not sexy. That's not sexy. Red rooster? That's not sexy. It's okay. Why not just cock? That's too obvious. It's just too on the nose. I'm talking about the genitals. Oh, okay. All right. No, then that's okay. There was a writer on our staff once who was sort of bragging about how he was quite the ladies' man back in the day, and I said, yeah, they called you Jack Fuck. because I just thought it was such a ridiculous man what are you jack fuck what a ridiculous nickname for a ladies man to have I just love that you think they have to have a nickname shout out to Flaky Jakes you think they're still in the business no but there is an abandoned Flaky Jakes I think off the 60 freeway yeah but it's haunted I bet ghosts are making sandwiches for 60 cents

1:05:02we're getting away with murder Well, anyway, I think we got to get going. Let's hit the clubs. Let's hit the clubs. Yeah. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. me?

1:05:33Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.