Kevin Nealon Returns Again

25:36So wouldn't it be nice if you would stand out in front of like a venue and people are coming in to see that person you don't think is funny and just warn them and say, you don't need to see this person. I wouldn't go in if I were you. It's a mistake. It's a waste of time. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't go see this person. But don't you see it's like objective. Don't you think that? Because what Sona thinks is funny, which is apparently everything you say. Yeah. She's given you a lot of good chuckles too. So I wouldn't. No, she makes me laugh a lot. I love chuckling. Yeah. Yeah. We call her low barm obsession.

26:09It's true. Sona, do you disagree with Conan about that statement? That I'm, no, I agree with him. There are some people that just aren't funny. I know. I just, I, it's, I'm an easy laugher. But then I also, when I don't laugh, I think it stings even more probably. Right? Yeah. When you're not laughing, you know, you've really, uh, shit the bed. Well, first of all, you're both wrong. Oh. Okay. It's, um, it's subjective. Okay. It is subjective. Cause I'll say something, you know, if you're going by this guideline, like, no, this is not funny because you know, this and that, um, but someone's laughing, you're pretty much telling them that they're, they're idiots for laughing at that.

26:46Yeah. I would say that to people. They were asking the wrong thing. I'd say you're a bunch of fools. What about drama? What are you doing? This is valuable time. Do you know how... No, I know. A lot of people would die to be on this show. A lot of people would give their left nut, which apparently you're drawing, to be on this podcast. And you come here and you diddle away the hour. Why? Why do you do it? Is it a... First of all, diddling is not a bad thing. Diddling is like meditating. Yeah, that's true. Have you ever meditated? I'm not good at it. I've tried, but I'm - How can you not be bad at it?

27:19You fall out of the chair? What happens? No, I just, my mind wanders. It's constantly wandering. That's what you're supposed to do. I get too restless. I got to keep moving. I got to, and then there's, you're sitting there by yourself. You're not hearing any laughs and then you start to wonder, am I even alive? And then you got to get out there and just hear the chuckles. It's a new security thing. Probably, yeah. It's a new security thing. If I don't hear the laughter, I don't know what to do. I get that. Do you do a lot of meditating because you seem - No, I diddle. Which also requires a chair.

27:49When you diddle. Can we please just talk about something that has some meaning? I'm doing the best I can. I'm sitting here. How are you? I came all the way down here. Because apparently you couldn't get a guest. We prize you as a guest. You know that you're beloved on this show, I think. And someone step in here, but I believe one or two of your appearances are some of the most loved on the entire podcast. That last one. Should we watch a clip? Jesus. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm saying, go ahead. Yeah, no, your episodes always do great when you're here. And then the clips on YouTube and the clips on social media are some of our most popular, for sure.

28:29I'll have to start watching the show. Yeah. I'd love to see it. Hey, you ever think that, hey, I'm at the top of my game right now? I have moments where I think I'm in a flow state. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Where one moment's leading to the next. right uh today's not my day uh i think you're having a rough time too but you know what's going to happen never tell an audience they're getting a bad show no no rule number one i say i'm the top of my game you guys are really lucky tonight and uh what an tomorrow of course i do because people don't know what's funny apparently according to you no no no some people some people don't know many people do but here's the other end of that yeah Yeah.

29:13Do you ever think this is, if I died now, I'd have some great people come to my funeral and make some great eulogies? Yes, I do think about that. Because if you live too long, there'll be less people. I've thought about this too. And I'm not kidding. I've thought about if I went now, and I hope I don't, I hope I get another week or two, but there'd be a lot of funny people coming and there'd be some people being very funny. But if I stick around too long, that's an empty room no one's coming no one's coming even if they're not dead they're not coming yeah and if Sona lives like if Sona lives like a block away she's not coming you know Sona will probably be the director of your funeral I would say I mean you'll be involved in it you and David Hopping will probably have a lot to do sure okay I do as a joke want you to be buried in the cemetery you don't want to be buried in we've talked about this I know so that's I do not want to be buried what's it called Forest Lawn Forest Lawn off the 134 freeway.

30:12Yeah, there's a freeway. There's one that - That's what they call it now, by the way, off the 134 freeway. Yeah. No, I know that people that pass away here are buried there and they look down and they're baking in the sun and they're looking down on the freeway. I don't want that. I want to be just left in a field, you know? Above ground? Yeah, above ground. Will you be buried with your headphones on? No. Not even with headphones on? I don't think podcasting has been my major contribution. I don't think that would mean that I saw myself as a podcaster. No, I see myself as an artist. So I would want to...

30:51Would you wear a V-neck sweater at all? I would not. I would not wear it. Because when I start to decompose, you would. You're going to be in your casket in a V-neck sweater with no T-shirt. Why do people even wear clothes in a casket? Where are they going? Do you know what I mean? once that lid is closed, strip them down, send them on their way. I mean, when the open, when it's an open casket, yes, it's understood. But you're saying once the casket's about to be closed, they should get everyone out of the room and then get the suit and all the stuff off of them. Get the stuff off and donate it.

31:21Yeah. Or keep it for yourself. That's a good, you know what, of all the celebrity movements, I think that would be a very unusual one for you to lead the charge on. Nude burials and donate the clothes and the watch and the ring. So you've decided to be buried. That's your charge? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Still up in the air? No. I have a friend, Robin Flender, who wants to be used, he wants to be used as a dummy in like a horror movie. A throw dummy. And so when he dies, he wants to be in a scene where he's like thrown out of a seven-story building and fall, and I think that's just genius because he's a director, he's a really funny guy, and he wants that.

31:57He really wants that. And would he get his SAG insurance for that? Yes, and he'd get a payment. I'm sure there's some kind of residuals. But he wants to be a throw dummy in a movie that gets tossed off a building. And I think that's a great idea. Would it be like a Mission Impossible or a horror movie? Yeah, something like that, where someone's like, the actor's pushed, and then you cut away to the body falling, and that's my friend Rodman falling through space, and then hits the ground, and then cut to a close-up of the actor lying there. Do you go on Instagram? Is this vodka or is it water? Clearly it's vodka, because you're not making a lot of sense.

32:34no one follows a conversational thread like you no do you think it's a cyst in your mind what do you think it is I do actually have a sebaceous no it's not a sebaceous cyst it's a oh what's it called it's called a can I come back tomorrow

32:54it's called a anyway it's kind of a tumor oh that's terrible I'm sorry no it's not it's not a tumor it's not a tumor So, yeah, it's, for some reason, I can't think of the name of it. Anyway, well, it's probably blocking that part of your brain, which is why you can't think of it. What's the name of that flower with the thorns on it? The rose? That's right. Hey, Rose, what was the name of the tumor that I had? Okay, all right. You're such an idiot. That's an old joke. You're such an idiot. No, that's an old joke. No. But listen, so what I was going to say, if I may have a moment, may I have a moment?

33:26You're such an idiot. My eye is resting on the microphone. It looks like you're a scientist. looking at a microscope. I'm looking for intelligent life in this podcast and I see nothing. Oh, the name was right on the tip of my tongue. Now it's up on the roof of my mouth. And that's moving back to the molar. So, do you have a child's joke book with you? Is it hidden? Do you ever start flipping through? Casper the Friendly Pickle. I have a question for you. Alright, I'll finish what I was saying later. okay finish up finish up finish up finish up have you ever been scrolling uh on instagram and you come across these um posts that are people dying no i haven't seen those at all what are you talking about what's up with your algorithm no yeah what are you talking about is there oh is that why i keep getting you must have chosen something similar to that to get that oh my god that's embarrassing i am not on instagram i'm not on instagram go through um you're not on instagram i'm not on snuff films on Instagram.

34:28So this is, what is it? People dying. Do people take videotape of people in their last moments? It's some sick, like, you know, person who happens to have those cameras on the freeway or whatever and a guy hitting the truck and flying out of there. Oh, that's called Faces of Death, I think. Well, it's like that. Yeah, so it's someone who's trying to get across the train tracks just in time, but the train hits them and there's a camera. Or they're pushed, you know. And then there was this one I just saw yesterday. I watched it like 10 times. it is uh a guy with one of those um suits that jumps off the cliff a squirrel suit and he's going far he's going far yeah and he's fast he goes right by the camera and then down in the canyon and smack right into a wall and this is a real person yeah so and you know you watch these and now the algorithm knows this is what you want so you're going to keep getting these you're going to keep getting people dying.

35:23Yeah. And you know what? I got rid of my squirrel suit right after seeing you. Okay. I did. I seriously, man. And I wasn't going off high cliffs. I was going off the couch and stuff. All right. Well, this is... That guy, you know... Unbelievable. Take a break. We'll be right back. Unbelievable. No, no. You watched it 10 times? I don't know how many times it was because I couldn't believe it. Another one was these people up on... I hate the cliffs. Anything high up on a cliff... Yeah. Somehow it lands in front of me. This guy and this woman, the woman jumps off like she's free falling and she's going to pull her chute, but she kept falling and falling.

36:00And then the two guys look at each other on top, shake their head, and they look over the cliff and she's gone. No squirrel suit, nothing. Wait, so she jumped off. Why did she jump off with nothing? I don't know. It was like, you know, maybe she thought there was a bungee cord or something attached to her. Some of these might be fake too. You should look out for that. Yeah. Also, I'm sorry to bring the bad news. Can I point out, the thing that sticks to me in that story is, you say, woman jumps off a cliff, two friends are watching her fall, and then they just look at each other and shake their head.

36:36That's the reaction you give when you want almond butter. You open the refrigerator, and there's peanut butter, but no almond butter. Shake your head and shut the door. That is not an accurate reaction. I think you're one of the two guys because that's the reaction you would have. Like, no, no, didn't happen. I don't like any of this. I don't want to watch someone die. If I want to see someone die, I'll check out your set at the Laugh Factory. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Wait a second. Zim, zam, zoom. Zim, zam, zang. Zim, zam, zoom. Let's back up. Let's back up to something when you're finished with your silly childish look at me.

37:11That's what you're doing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm the only guy that says look at me. Conan, I know your style. I know exactly what you do. Let's hear a little bit about my style. I've been listening to you lately. Lately? Since I stopped listening to the news. We've been friends since 1988. No, but I think there's something to you now. I know how you work. I know you're just waiting for somebody to say something so you could just run with some like venting bit and just go and Sona is just encouraging you to keep going. And then it dies down. And then there's a last minute thought. You go back into it again.

37:46and the guest is just sitting there and the whole whack pack is laughing at you and you believe it. So let me get this straight. You're saying, I know how you work. I know how you work. I see what you're up to there. I see what you're up to. You're doing the exact same thing. I see what you're up to, Picasso. I see what you're doing. You're doing your sketches and it's really beautiful and amazing. You compare yourself to an artist. And then you keep going and then you finish it and everyone's like, wow. And then you sell it for a lot of money. I get what you're up to. And then you have a mistress.

38:13This is exactly what I'm talking about. Exactly. Right here. You're watching an artist at work. Can I go back to something? You can't reduce it. Can I go back to something that really struck me for a second, that really surprised me? Almond butter. Yeah. Do you use almond butter? I do use almond butter, yeah. Instead of peanut butter. I know it's healthier. I like it, though. I like the taste better. Peanut butter with jam? Yeah. Strawberry? Yeah. My wife always complains that I leave jam everywhere. It's on the handle to the refrigerator. It's on the steering wheel of the car. because it's tough to get off the strawberry jam.

38:47You know, some people have accused you in the past of taking, when the conversation's really on fire, and I'm like really killing it, that you stop it and then take us into a less productive world just to punish me, which would be sometimes I get a little bit of jam and sometimes I'll leave it on the handle. Here comes the bit. Three with them, two minutes, three bits. My wife doesn't like it so much because there's a little bit of jam on. is the energy sufficiently lowered in the room now is conan have we cooled his jets enough now i think we have yeah yeah okay conan what else you got and then i gotta start from scratch that's what you just did are you done with the third bit you didn't last two minutes i expected you to jump on that and help me with it and make it a little more dynamic and funny no but you just cut me apart no no have a little slice of fuck you pie is what i say you're not getting anything from me so um what would we be good on a road trip you and i yeah i think we'd do pretty well who would drive first i think i would drive would it be a silly truck because you blink a lot i don't trust you sometimes i leave the blinking on um nice hey um where were we how many hours would we drive a day uh i like to i get i like to get a lot of road under me so to speak so i'm one of those guys that i like to i like to log a lot of miles and i get a little ocd about it like i want to just if someone says hey let's let's stop for a while and maybe this is enough for today i want to always i'm that guy that always wants to go another two hours well finally we're connecting on something i like to go um little bits you know you try to get to wherever you're going in one day even if it's cross-country i wouldn't do that you wouldn't would you stay in an expensive hotel or would you stay like in a motel six well i think i'd split the difference let's say you only had 500 to get where you're going and then i think i wouldn't be staying in a very expensive hotel so you're not helping me i'm giving you an opening you know to be funny oh these are the these are the gems well everybody would say that the gems but you apparently are thinking about your last bit that you did wait you can't just say hey hey conan uh you like coconuts would you ask me coconuts are okay here we go again here we go with a take to open them with a how do you like to open a how do you like to open a coconut and just go and run like to open a coconut i don't really know kevin sometimes i don't really done it a lot but i guess i'd use like some kind of a blade or something what music will we give you gems here what are you doing can we what music will we listen to in the car or your truck whatever we're taking uh we'd take my truck my toyota truck a couple of bikes in the back yeah we would have a couple of bikes in the back coolers and i know that you're a guy that likes james taylor you like stuff i like everything now not so much you are pretty much locked in the brandy carlisle she's also an ep on this movie i just did called comes to me in the good light.

41:37We'll be out soon. Late 60s, 70s. I think that's your, I don't think you listen to a lot of modern music. I honestly don't. You're right. My brother, no. I don't. I'm honest with you now. I'm being honest. All right. My brother listens to 60s and I'm thinking, I'm not going to listen to that, man. That's just too, that's giving up, you know? And then I start listening to it and I go, yeah, I like this. I like this. Sweet Cherry Wine by Tommy James and the Shondells. Yeah. You know, maybe that's 70s. but um but just let's can you just um ask me something um serious like you know that's you really want to know about me and i swear to god i will tell you exactly and let's see if you can handle it okay um as you know i'm i know you and i know your family i know your lovely wife uh your very handsome cool son uh and uh that you don't even know his name gable okay you don't need to like spread it around.

42:35Jeez. Why don't you just give him my pin number?

42:40And I see you, I've known different incarnations of you, but I see you as a guy that now gets a lot of satisfaction out of your wonderful family. Oh, I do. And I think that that is, I'm happy for you in that regard. Done. Done. I don't really hear a question. No.

43:05Why is it so difficult to break through to you where you don't even want to, because you don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. It's too difficult for you to. You do. You'd be the worst interrogator. You won't even ask the question to the suspect. I am famously a good interviewer. I'm a very good interviewer. I think that's a skill I have. You're the only person I've ever known that's accused me of being a terrible interviewer. All right. Let's say I'm a suspect. Okay. I'm in the interrogation room. Okay. Somebody just robbed a Brinks truck. Yeah. It wasn't me. Well. What do you say to that?

43:44Okay. It sounds like you're innocent to me. You're free to go. No, I'd say I'd ask you a couple of questions. Were you near the bank, the Brinks truck, when it was robbed? No. You weren't in the neighborhood? And where were you? Good question. You think a suspect never says that to each other? That's a good question. All right, let me go back to that statement that you mentioned about my family. Yeah. Very lucky. I do love them, and I'm so fortunate to have them. And I think you feel the same way about your family. I think you do. Sure, yeah. They're great. um i prefer your family that's an amazing family i don't believe you um you are an enigma a little bit to me i don't quite understand you i admire you but i don't quite understand you yeah uh and i know that you don't really understand me i think we're both hiding um our true feelings not just from each other but from a lot of people i think we want to be like oh i have a question for you have you cried all the time do you cry yeah because i don't cry i cried at this movie come see me in the good light.

44:55Okay, stop doing that. What? Doing what? You ask me if I cry. That is so low. And you know what's great about it? It's laughter and crying. Yeah. It's like unexpected humor. Okay. It's just humor. But I do. I do cry. Do you cry? Seriously. I'm being honest now. Who doesn't cry? I don't cry a lot. I don't think I cry a lot. So you hold it in. I don't think I'm even holding it in. It just doesn't happen. I don't think. I think I've only seen you cry like a couple times. Yeah. Yeah. When you heard the news about the Oscars? posting that? Did you cry? I did. I'm still crying. You know what's interesting?

45:29When Eric Idle, our friend Eric Idle. The brilliant Eric Idle. Yeah. Can we talk about this? He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yes, he was. And he said he had, couldn't even think about it or had no reaction emotionally. But then when he heard that it wasn't pancreatic and he was fine, he cried what i could see that the relief yeah the relief yeah you're holding it in and you have all that stuff he got a death sentence and then he got a reprieve and and he and he's famously you know of course uh he's famously grew up he's funny world war two world war two yeah uh in that generation uh after that was you know rationing and uh repression and all kinds of stuff so yeah i could see him and did he tell you about his father what happened to his dad no he came back from the war they've been gone from the war got into their neighborhood crossed the street got hit by a truck oh my god yeah a lorry as they call him yeah that's the name of a truck in england yeah an elevator is yeah i'm bringing a leg up again that's a terrible story i didn't know that yeah and maybe i heard it but i didn't process you didn't care about it no it's not that i didn't care about it but i i don't think i knew that no i i may have known that because i know that i read i've read a lot about him i just don't remember that part you should have some video games you know can i just say you just brought it back to someone being killed suddenly yeah but you're just bitter there's no video of it you know i went to school for marketing i have a degree a bs degree in marketing and of course you know a doctor honorary doctorate uh humane letters.

47:09But, um, uh, what was I going to say? I don't know. It was a crackerjack opening. You know, I have a doctor. Oh, wow. Okay. The giggles are boiling. The giggles are on the boil. The turtles are on the fire. Can I help you in any way? Do you, you don't, I think at your core, you have no respect for me. I really do. I think at your core you have no respect for me. I'm just amazed. Yeah, we've talked about this. You can't believe. Will you listen to me? I'm not even going in that direction. I'm just amazed at how happy you are. You took the sweatshirt. You don't want to see any more of my skin. I don't want to see any more.

47:52I should have ordered a V-neck. I've been there. Okay, just leave it alone. What's that? You're amazed at what? No, I'm just amazed at how happy you are. And now you're telling me that you don't cry and so maybe inside you're not. but you know it's such a relief I think all of us will agree that you just buried that connecting with your team for a minute maybe inside you know isn't it great to cry yes and it's such a release and it makes you less stressed and opens you up to I think to a happier life and it shows that you're human and you have emotions it's just human with an H it's not human with a Y do you know what Tig told me once Tig Notaro she said you don't pronounce your H's when you say words you know it's like you know humor it's humor yeah And then I thought, that's pretty right, because when I laugh, I don't pronounce my H's either.

48:38It's just, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It is. No. It is. It is. Yeah. Okay. But you're right, I don't. But how would you say herb? I'd say it's an herb. No H. I wouldn't pronounce the H. I wouldn't say herb. Okay, there you go. Herb is a guy. Herb is a guy. Do you think there's any herbs that grow herbs?

49:03Do you want to succeed? Do you want to succeed? Do you want to succeed on the podcast? I'm at the top of my game right now. Do you want to have a successful podcast? Are there any herbs that grow herbs? Have you, sir, at long last, no shame. Are there any herbs that are eaten by a guy named Herb? Well, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I think, you know, I was going to come in here today thinking maybe now we could have a sensible discussion. We haven't said, I defy anyone. And again, I've probably said this before. I defy anyone out there to dissect what's been said in this marathon Bibble Babble session and find anything that connects to anything else.

49:48Did you say Bibble Babble? I said Bibble Babble. I like the dibble and I like the Bibble Babble. I do both of those. What? You know me so well. Sure. What do you mean what? You're not paying attention. I feel like I'm trying to have a conversation and I liken, having a conversation with you, I liken it to I'm jogging and you're in a flatbed truck just ahead of me throwing orange cones at my feet, trying to trip me and make me stumble. Have you done this before? Yes, I've done this before. I have. I have. Why am I so confused that you can't carry out a conversation without going into a bit about Hibble Bibble or whatever it is?

50:26Okay, I ask my friends, the whack pack and you don't have to agree with me but you analyze what's happening no way well so eduardo what do you think's happening here is he slipping our water is conan slipping what am i am i the someone i'm asking anyone to intervene who would you believe more a guy who cries and feels his emotions or a guy that keeps it in and just gets angry at everybody it's consistent yeah there you go thank you i appreciate it but what but eduardo when you it's very unique when i talk to kevin and i don't understand what's happening yeah and i would love someone to explain it to okay first of all he's on your team nope i'm gonna make a call to somebody on my team edwardo is not a fan okay and nobody in this room yeah i was asked this question last time yes and i'm asking you again i described it then it happens often doesn't it i think as a beautiful train wreck this feels like the person jumping off the bridge without the yes why is there have to be an analogy about everything well why can't you say what it is i think eduardo just said i don't need an analogy i understand english your humor this is free fall this is free fall yes and it's madness and uh and yet there will be advertisers it will be connected to this you guys are a hall of mirrors you're folding you're folding in on each other yes yes it's sorry for the analogy it's the snake eating its tail it's the snake eating its tail can we go with uh one analogy it's a snake throwing up its own tail yeah it's a snake throwing up in a hall of mirrors yes that's what this is and i tell you sir i tell you sir i i'm the control in this experiment i talk to many people and it goes very well you come in and it always uh the washing machine explodes and suds go flying everywhere so you are the problem okay that can't be proven until he talks to a bunch of other people.

52:19Who's going to want to do that? This is subjective. It's subjective. Come on, high five. I can't reach. I can't reach. First of all, congratulations on the Mark Twain prize. Oh, thank you very much. But it is a prize. It's not an award. Seriously. A prize is like a Cracker Jack toy. Am I right? It's a prize. Don't get all excited. No, I'm not. Is it come in a box? Is it in a box? I feel like I'm like a prize pig with a little ribbon yeah I yeah I appreciate that at first you think it's a Mark Twain award you go you're going to receive a Mark Twain prize oh just dig through this dig through this crackerjack box I was the honorary mayor where Pacific Palisades oh god okay well that way to bring it down man what are you asked me where I Pacific What, that's my fault?

53:15I specifically - That's my fault? You said I was the mayor? Honorary, I said. Honorary. Honorary mayor. Honorary. That's like, oh, I was at Dallas. Oh, yeah, when? When Kennedy was shot! Why would you bring that up? Don't yell. I listen to you in the car, and you yell a lot. And I have to lower it. He does. Yeah. You do. If you're gonna yell - But did you see what he did? He said, I was the mayor. Yeah. And I said, oh, cool, where? And then he brings up a place where there was a terrible tragedy. I said I was the honorary mayor. Why would you even want to follow that up with anything? Look at me.

53:50You're such a nursehole. Look at me. I am looking at you. You're the worst person. Why would you open that can of worms? I guess it's my fault. I guess it's my fault. Well, yeah. Do you think when you asked me that, you knew where I used to live? You know where I live now? No, I didn't know that that's where you were the honorary mayor. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Well, another opportunity for you to expose my life and my personal life and where I lived. Okay. Well. But seriously. Are you okay? Is everyone all right? Did your place, did you? I was okay until I got here today. Okay. All right.

54:26But you know, you just undermine me so much. I don't think I do. Let's not. I don't think I do. Let's say this was our last life, our last moment on a life. I think this might be, yeah. We had a good run, man. Well. I worked hard. You got lucky.

54:43I think you believe that too and I think you're right I think you're right I think we both had a lot of luck but you think I had a crazy amount of luck and I think you're right I think you opened yourself up to luck and boy did you get it

54:56no I don't you think that's right though I think we both are unseemingly people that would be like to be this is proof this is proof you know this podcast I think is proof that we are both incredibly lucky people that we've managed to scratch out livings in this business. And then this conversation is the height, is the height of our - You know what's crazy? What's that, pal? What is it? Give me something I can work with. Do you call people pal more or bud, buddy? I'm more of a pal guy. Hey, pal. You're a pal. Hey, pal. It's an East Coast thing. Yeah. Just keep - I'm just trying to remember the name of that tumor that I had.

55:33That's so funny. Do you really have something in your - Because I know you have a lot of medical maladies. You've brought it up in the past. No, I don't. I have nothing. I saw you once and you said my shoulder like fell off. You were walking along and your shoulder fell off. And then you had to say - I said I fell off the shoulder of the road. That's not true. That is true. Play it back. Okay, I'm - No, let's go back to the question. This was our last day on the planet. We would open up to each other, right? No, I doubt it. Would you cry then? No, I don't think so. What would make you cry? I don't know.

56:03I'm still thinking about it. Are you staying here another minute? I think 30 seconds would do it. You've never seen a movie that made you cry? I have, yeah. So you lied to us all. Yeah. No, no, no. I didn't say I never cried. I just don't cry often. That's all. Yeah, you're not a big crier. I wish I cried more. I think I'd be a help. But I don't think I said I've never cried in my life. That would be a sociopath. Yeah. Did you cry when you were younger a lot? No, I remember. This is a true story. I was in the gym. I was wrestling a kid. We both fell backwards. I put my arm out to stop it, and my elbow went bent the wrong way.

56:38And I couldn't move it. And I was in an incredible amount of pain. And the nurse at the Driscoll School called my mother and said,

57:00Oh my God. Oh my God. That was a good story. Finish it up. I'm going to go get a glass of water. I'm going to cry now. Oh, my God. When you said Mrs. Driscoll, the nurse, I thought this is going nowhere. Yeah, and then my nurse comes in and she says, oh, looks like you bend it backwards. See, that's what you do. And I said, no, I did bend it backwards. You're the nurse.

57:37I am so supposed to be that way. You tricked me into telling a real story about my childhood and my mom. And then you totally torpedoed me. It wasn't intentional. Seriously. Said the son of Sam killer. Are we not going to hear the end of that story? Oh, it's very quick. The nurse called and said, yeah, your son's here. Losing interest. Losing interest. We've already heard that part. We don't need to recap it, please. No recapping. The nurse said, I think he's fine. And my mom said, well, how does he see me? And she said, oh, he's crying a little bit. And she said, he never cries. Let's take him to the hospital.

58:20And I had a shattered elbow. So the fact that I was, any moisture in my eye at all indicated to my mother that there was a real problem. that is proof that i'm not the old boo-hoo boy you know what i'm saying are you okay with me telling that story to other people it's such a good story can i share that what are you drinking is that coffee this is tea i'm having a little tea a little iced tea do you have a cold nope i do not have a cold these are good questions let me you sound stuffy i'm not stuffy at all in fact i think i have no congestion so uh remember when we had lunch and we were just both being serious with each other?

58:58No, I don't. I don't think I've ever had lunch with you. You've never had lunch, period? I've never had a moment with you. Do you ever worry about your weight? Should I? Should I worry about my weight? I don't worry about my weight. I worry about my height. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you think Baron is tall, isn't he? Baron Trump. Yeah. He's very tall. He's tall. Yeah, yeah. You know, when people say you don't prepare, I always say, yes, he does. It's all thought out beforehand. Some of it is. Do you have a congestion? I think Barron Trump is tall. One flows into the other seamlessly.

59:39What's your biggest worry right now, besides hosting the Oscars? I guess ending this. Like, how do I end it in a way that feels... Yeah, feels like we're still friends afterwards. That's going to be tough. But it's still a professional ending to the... I get it. I get what you're saying. I understand that. Yeah, the dismount is the hardest part with a Kevin Nealon podcast. Do you ever do gymnastics? Can you do a somersault? Let's start with that. I cannot. No, I cannot. Never could. You've heard of one? Never could do a somersault. Really? Could you do a somersault? Well, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, a somersault.

1:00:09I thought you meant that. You come forward. No, yeah. A somersault. Yeah, I could do a somersault. Yeah. I see people backflipping off of a dock. I think I could try that because what's the worst that can happen? Oh, well. Land on the dock. No, you would just, you land in the water somehow. You ever think about that? Nope, never. Maybe that'll give you something to think about in the future. Yeah, I don't think so. I think we're done with that one. I think there's no more meat left on that bone. Give me a bone with a lot of meat on it and let's talk. No. And then you can edit all the other stuff out.

1:00:38No, no, no, we're keeping it all because I'm going to use this when we go see your neurologist. Urologist? No, neurologist. That's not where the tumor is.

1:00:51God, I'm going to be driving home and I'm going to think of the name of that. It's a benign, you know, it's not threatening at all. It's a cyst. No, I said it's a tumor. A cyst is like a hard nodule that's, I'm not a doctor, but. Okay, no. It's a, God, you know what? If you had a good crew, they would have looked it up already. You know? It's a benign tumor? They're just sitting there with their mouth, a gap, a gape, a gap, a gape. It's a gape. What's the last new word that you learned?

1:01:23seriously do you use it I don't know do you ever wake up and say here's the word I'm going to use today I'm going to try and use it like five times I do something meningioma meningioma what meningioma okay they call it a tumor but it's really just it's just a little about the size it's a town in Italy have a great I feel like I've lost you you lost me a while ago I feel like you're just depleted you're not at the top be a game anymore. No, no, no. No, you've... Who's the guest here? Is it you or me? I don't know. You've asked most of the questions. Because I can't get anything out of you. How can I...

1:01:58Anyone? Does anyone have an idea? Just please end this. Okay. Kevin, you know I love you. So this could be our last thing on the planet. What? No. You never know. Yeah, I do know. There's going to be a tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Let's wrap it up with something that really is, you know, thoughtful. Okay. And meaningful. Okay. I'm excited for you. I really am excited for you. Okay. And there's nothing, there's no underlining thought here. No, I can assure you there is not. I can assure you it's a hard experience. There is nothing. You've lost trust in me as a person that can connect. Yeah, yeah.

1:02:37I'm not sure I had it ever. But I do, I don't, your mind fascinates me. It always has. It's moving. It moves. Sure. you're done fighting you're not even fighting anymore you don't think like anyone else and I've always admired your integrity as a comedian and I think you have a unique style you've stuck to your guns and that's the problem I need to change guns I was talking about you for a minute I tried to end it right there you want to go out on a laugh first of all no I'm secure enough to not go out on a laugh and we can just add one later. I can take a laugh from the old Lucy show and add it.

1:03:21You know, I really do. You should get closer to that. I do appreciate you and I think people... That's funny that you backed away from the mic when you started to say something nice. So far, that our mics can't even... You are so talented. I think the one thing is that you always... People love you. Do you know that the most watched hike I do, hiking with Kevin on YouTube, is Conan O 'Brien. Oh. My son told me that. That's cool. that's good to know and you have uh tom hanks on that you have all the stars jack black paul rudd you yeah i mean um molly shannon yeah um yeah but you you have like you are so famous and i think about this a lot when i go places i don't get recognized i think conan would get recognized here but you can go to finland you can go to china probably and they know who you are yeah maybe is that hard to to be that popular for no reason it was so close we're done here we're done hey kevin best of luck with your movie come see me in the good light starring struda aben and lieben hobbin executive producer on fox nation uh and also kevin on fox nation i think kevin is on fox Nation.

1:04:40I don't know why I keep having you back, but people do. I don't either. People do love it. Why do I keep coming back? People do love it. We'll see. We'll see. We'll look at the numbers after this one. But God love you, Kevin. I love you. And just cover up next time we go out. Okay. All right. I'll wear a turtleneck. All right. Peace out.

1:05:05I don't know that we're even going to use this, but I do. We just ended somehow the interview with Kevin Nealon. And I want an explanation. Yeah. I want an honest explanation. And I want people in the room to say, because people put, I don't think it's me. I think it's all him. And then here it's me too. It's both of you. Okay, so what is it? It's both of you. What is it? I want to know. You can't let it be. I say something and then you immediately... But neither can you. Neither of you can. So it's just spirals. He gets it wrong and I have to correct him. The bigger concern here is that you were able to finally end that podcast and now you started it up exactly.

1:05:42Yeah, but I can't let it... I want to know what happened. Do you really, really think you're completely just not to blame at all about this? I don't want to say blame because that's negative. but I want to know who the guilty party is. What happened with the dismount? You talked about a dismount. I try with you and it's him. I can do it. You don't try. You don't try with him. Okay, so what is it, Eduardo? Everyone's agreeing that I'm half the problem? Am I half the problem? Yeah, when you two get together, it's like Lakers-Celtics. It's like the Super Bowl. It's a competition. I think it's like murder and accessory.

1:06:18Why do you feel like you have to win every time? It's not that I want to win. And it's just that I don't know what happens. I honestly don't know what happens. You want me to leave and you'll say, got him, got him this time. It's not. Do you really think you're trying to have a serious interview and that Kevin is derailing it? You don't really think that. No, you think that if I said to him, which I did at one point, like when I do try to say something serious, he's not going to have it. You know that, right? If I said to him, hey, so the hiking with Kevin, you seem to really enjoy those. He'd say, I got to tell you, submersibles.

1:06:52What's really? But there's also a part of me that thinks you're baiting him. You're trolling him a little bit. Yes. Yeah, you're a troll. You're baiting a troll. You're trading straight men. It's two straight men in a room and no comedian. That's the problem. It's like you're trading straight men just instantaneously. Did you see, he listened to you for like three seconds, and that's a record I've ever seen him listen to somebody. You were actually listening and look again. And when you broke down who I am as a comic, just this, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what an insulting slam.

1:07:26That's talent to be able to do that and get away with it. Seriously. All right, all right. I just wanted a quick recap. I am happy to accept. I wanted a quick therapy session. I am happy to accept half the fault. Yes. If we can say fault. But I honestly will tell you, I don't know what's happening when I'm talking to Kevin. I don't know what's happening. And I don't think you know what's happening. Oh, I know what's happening. Oh, yeah? What's that there, buddy boy? You're not crying enough. Okay. Maybe if you cried a little bit, you would be so strong. Okay. Peace out. Tupac. Thank you, Kevin.

1:08:04Goodbye. Good dismount. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

1:08:28Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts And you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.