Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

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24:27you are um multi-talented you really are you're a hilarious uh comic and then you do this thing you come out of the blue a couple of years ago you um not that long ago and i guess you were developing this in private um you come out with these caricatures and they're fantastic and you did a book of caricatures and they're really amazing and whenever you call me the image that comes up is your caricature of yourself. You're very talented at this. And I just wanted to doff my cap to you and wonder why still no second book. The first book was great. And I keep waiting for you to do a caricature of me, one of your heroes.

25:06First of all, I've never had anyone doffed their hat to me. And I appreciate that. You don't get out much then. And you also don't travel in 19th century London. No, but Siri, you're a very talented. I love doing the caricatures. I've been doing them for, you know, more seriously in the last couple of years. But I, you know, I sketched you a lot when we were doing, um, you know, writing Hans and Franz and SNL. And, uh, you would, you're always in the corner drawing. You once drew my shoe. I used to take, I would take, I would wear old man's shoes when I was a writer, wingtip shoes that I got at secondhand stores, you know, flea markets.

25:43I would, if I found a shoe that was my size, I would buy it. This was one of my weird things I did. And I wore jeans and a t-shirt and then these old like 1950s and 60s shoes. You can relate to this, Gourley. Well, I think you'd like me to, but no, you've gone even too far from me. I mean, people died in these shoes and it's like your cat. These, I mean, and so I would wear these shoes and then sometimes when we were writing, you all do things when you're bored or you're trying to come up with an idea. I would take off one of my shoes and I would put it on the table and just look at it while I was thinking.

26:13You rearrange it a little bit, shift it around. Yeah, and I would look at this old man's shoe that I wore, and you once sketched me looking at my shoe. Yeah, yeah. That, by the way, is at MoMA now. Yeah. That particular one is at MoMA. Is at MoMA, yeah. So, yeah, so I've been doing a lot of the money. You've invested nothing in that lie. You quickly realize this company's not going to work. I'm out. I'm a pro. I hit and run. Hit and run. Let's not lose any time. but um people are always asking me can i buy one of your paintings and i never was really selling them i just had the book yeah and so now i opened up a store on shopify kevinneilandart.com is that true this is your second plug how many more plugs does he get one hour after this he gets two more plugs says oh two more okay yeah so um so yeah people can go there and um and buy my paintings if they like and uh it's quite easy and in fact i do have one of you that i did oh you did one of me no you didn't did you really i think you suspected it but um no no i bitched at you for a while because you've never done a proper one of me and i was a little hurt because you were doing all these he was he was doing all these other people you don't even know i'll tell you why here's because i've been to your offices before and you have so much fan art so many different characters of you and drawings um there's no more orange paint out there i can't find any more okay Okay, all right.

27:36That's a good one. Anyway, this is it. And it's my attempt. It's my first attempt. You see my chair. Oh, my God. Hey! Whoa! That's not bad, right? That's fantastic. Fucking incredible. That is amazing. That's not bad. That is so good. Jesus, is that oil? That is amazing. That's beautiful. Oh, my God. I love that. You know how long I had to look at a reference picture of you? You can't remember. I know every... I got the vein in the wrong area now that I'm looking. but uh there's that incipient eye vein that's incredible that is really beautiful thank you we should mention that you can go to at team coco podcast on instagram to see this painting but you know your hands really would explain that face because they were like this yeah you know how you kind of i well you know what i'm trying to do this is me i believe last year at the oscars and this is at the oscars and this is me i make i put my hands out sometimes when the crowd's so enjoying my material, I'm afraid they might search forward.

28:34Okay. And I need to keep them back. Do you know what I'm saying? KevinNeilanart.com. Okay. You know what I'm saying? This is, that's incredible. Yeah, it really is. Now tell us, what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using oils? What are you using? Crayon. It's all crayon. Okay. All right. I'll tell you what I'm using since you asked me. It's called Multimedia Unique, I believe it's called. So there's different mediums. It's a sketch. I sketch and then I do digital and then I do paint. It's really gorgeous. Thank you. Are you giving this to me or is this something I have to buy?

29:07No, no, you get this on the store. Hey, you put this up on the store, this would be huge. It's going to be huge. Believe me. And by the way, I was going to put something on the back. I was going to say, this belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a re-gift. Because I know you've got a lot of this stuff going on. No, I just, I love that. I think you're, I mean, you're a phenomenal talent across the board. You really are. I am. But you know what? What? I don't like to doff my hat to it. It's more cap. You doff your cap. You tip your hat. Cap is more the baseball thing. No. Just no. So, um. You okay?

29:46You want to talk some more about my accomplishments? Well, I, part of the things about the podcast is I do. Do you know that I used to sketch pictures of Farley? Chris Farley. Sitting across, not that Farley. No. Kevin Farley. Farley. Such a huge, you know what you are? You're telling the audience it was Chris Farley. You're a black hole. I know what you're doing. You're telling the audience it was Chris Farley. You know what? Light can't escape you and neither can a decent conversation. It all gets sucked into that black maw. Here's the problem. We are both magnets, but with opposite polar attraction.

30:20Yeah. And neither one of us wants to be serious with each other because we know what?

30:32I just, I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. You know? Well, you know that. Oh, my God. That was a real sneeze. That was a real sneeze. What if it came out of there? What if there was snot coming out of there? No, I swear to God, I think I'm allergic to this, whatever we have. I've never sneezed like that on the podcast. And it just came up right there when you couldn't even complete a sentence with me. No, no, you couldn't complete the sentence. I gave it to you. I said we're two polar opposites. And that's because, and then you sneezed. I think we both have similar talents.

31:15We occupy the same band in the whole array. If you think of a rainbow, there are many different colors, many different frequencies of light. oh shit

31:32it's your fault I'm gonna put this down because I think it's distracting us and thank you very much for this you don't like it? I love it there's a shredder down there let's talk about sneezing for a minute I can make a sneeze really loud yeah I mean I scare my family sometimes because I don't have to make it loud but I can make it you know not the breathing in but the coming out yeah yeah it's a shriek it's like a yeah Now, you know, my wife, the whole house freaks out when I sneeze because it's a shriek. It's a loud shriek. Does TAC do this? It's a thing that men do. I do it. I'm a loud sneezer.

32:07You're a loud sneezer. I like getting it out. No, me too. I want to get it out. I think that's safer. And if you muffle it, I always think I'll get an aneurysm. So I go the other way and I shriek as if I'm being stabbed to death when I sneeze. You do the same? Mine is more like a poo. You know, it's really loud though. And I'm telling you, it scares my family. Are you sure you're sneezing? I don't think you're sneezing. No, no, it's a sneeze. No, no. I think you own a laser. I'm serious, like this. Pooh! I swear to God. I don't think you're sneezing. No, no. That's not a sneeze. We were walking down the sidewalk in Chicago.

32:44Who's we? Pierre. Okay. My wife. Idiot. No, my son and my wife. Okay. Susan and Gable. and i sneezed and there was a family of four with a stroller in front of us like maybe five yards in front of us and i sneezed so loud everybody jumped the family turned around what and i was kind of embarrassed so i was looking around like who did that you couldn't admit it was you no you just brought up your wife and your son i'm huge fans of theirs your wife's Likewise. It was beautiful. Talking about your wife now. Gorgeous. You know, my wife, very beautiful as well, but come on. Well, what happens is familiarity breeds contempt.

33:26We look at each other every day and, no, we're both very lucky men, but my God, your son, I'm going to say his name, Gable. Yeah. What a handsome, polite young man. He is so polite in an old world kind of way. That's a guy who would doff his cap to me if he could afford a cap. You're not a big earner. my point is he is uh he's just an incredible fellow thank you and he loves you too of course he does he does impressions of you in fact what he does impressions well now i don't like him so much what are they cruel impressions no they're right on he he finds the little nuances of people he's a really good mimic he will come over to you and and he's doing you to me he'll come over and grab my shoulders and go you know i gotta what i do something like you know whatever you say yeah I like to grab a man by the shoulder and Sona.

34:17I like to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands on people. This has caused me problems in the past, subways. But I like to, when I see a fellow like you, I like to just grab you and take stock of you, see how you're doing, shake you a little bit. You always say something like, what am I going to do with you? Yeah, yeah. What am I going to do? Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice, inner part of me. There's a lot of pent up. yeah anger rage yeah i'm gonna kill you that is true so um my wife and i spent she brought her up we are executive producers i said i think you know on a um sundance winner called come see me in the good light it's a documentary this is very did you see it yeah it's on apple tv right now and you know what this is incredible that's your i think you're up to three plugs now you get one more plug um i'm gonna go i'm gonna recap on some of these too okay did you get when you work with your wife can you get along or do you disagree a lot oh no we get along great yeah she's a good partner okay but the executive producing um it's it's we're two of the people then there's a there's several others so it's uh it's quite and it's a great uh it's a great documentary and i think you'd be hearing a lot about it okay well you're hearing about it right now especially you because it's another plug when is this coming on by the way i want to come on this will be out february night.

35:32Did you think this was going right out? I thought it was live. No, I thought February 9th, 2026. 27. Okay. I could deal with that. What does it cost to do this podcast? There's a lot of overhead. I know you don't pay attention to that stuff. There's a lot of overhead. I love this building. A great building. Do you own it? Let's just say yes. Look at me. Look at me. I do. I own this building. Do you really? Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but I, um, I own a lot of real estate in Los Angeles. I'm the largest landowner in Los Angeles. I own. What about buildings? I know, I just don't, I don't own the buildings and this has been a problem.

36:11I did the wrong thing. It's hard to get to your land when there's a building on it. I bought small pieces of land in and around, uh, buildings that I don't own. And I'm talking very small. What's your favorite, piece of land that you own. Catalina. Come on, can we please just have something going on? You know what? I'm going to just ask listeners, get a transcript of this. And I think they're readily available. What's the name of the documentary I was talking about? We're not going to do that right now. Come and see me in a good light. Yeah. And it's on Apple TV right now. Yeah. And it's a love story, Conan, if you're interested.

36:43No, really? Then I guess you and I aren't in it. I... I'm going to give you that one. I'll give you that one. What do you mean you'll give me that one? I'll give that one. I don't need you to give me anything. My quips are as good as anyone. My quabs, they're right up there with the best. What happened there? What was that? We're not going to air this. Do you want to not air this one? Are you seriously thinking about it? I'm thinking about it. So it's a good, it's a real good documentary. Don't stop doing that. You keep retreating. You're going to be back at McCartney soon. I plugged it all. We got some nephews over there, some nieces.

37:19I have plugged everything now. Do you root for me? Be honest. Do you root for me? Tell me what you think. I think you don't. I think you want me to be destroyed. And then you get to come along and give me a hand up. That's what you want to do. Hey, buddy, just walk it off. You put your hand out. I take it. But then you pull it away and you do that thing where you brush the side of your head. What do you think, Gourley? You seem stunned. I'm just stunned by the fact that you would ask someone if they root for you.

37:50That's purely pathetic. Do you root for me? Pardon me, sir. Will you root for me? I could really use someone to root for me. I want everyone rooting for me. And that's why I go up to people and say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a terminal illness and I'll say, do you root for me? Do you root for me? And they're like, I have maybe minutes left in this consciousness on this earth. And you're asking me if I root for you? Do you? Do you? Do you root for me? Jesus Christ. That's what you do right there. You take the bit and you run with it. I like it.

38:26That's what it is. I know your stuff. I told you that before. I take a bit and I run with it. That's what most people do. I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy for you. Thank you. I don't think you are. You once, on this very podcast, No, my family loved you. You cried. You cried saying how surprised you were that I had gotten anywhere in show business. Yeah, because I was sad for you. I was sad. I really was. Yeah, I think, I think you have trouble accepting that you're so successful. Please, I'm not. I'm working my way, keeping my head down, and doing the best I can. That's all I'm doing.

39:00I know, but when will you relax and know that you're enough? That's not going to happen. And that's sad. Not in your life. And that's why I stopped rooting for you. Okay. Because you're a lost cause. You're a lost cause, my friend. You do sit-ups? I do, actually. I do sit-ups, yeah. Will you be chasing the six-pack forever? because I know I am. I would like to have it once. I'd like to have a six pack. I had it once for like five minutes. I have a one pack and then it turned out it was an inflated bubo. It was a postulating bubo. Inflamed liver. Yeah. Have you ever had the perfectly sculpted body long before I met you?

39:39Oh God, I got pictures. Do you seriously? I mean, you were a physical specimen one day, weren't you? Can I show you a picture? You've done this. You ask a lot of people this. I ask people - I have another painting. I asked people, do you root for me? And you asked people, do you want to see a picture? You asked me. And it's never gone well for either one of us. You asked me if I had a picture. Yeah. Okay. Let's see your picture. It's in my phone. I got a lot of pictures. Okay. They're all of you. And then one of me. All right. Good one. Isn't it funny? Like when you have a cell phone, you know, before you - You got me that time.

40:09You want to see a picture? Yes, I do. I don't have one. Good one. You've seen, this is Kevin Nealon's act right now. Hey, everybody. Want to see something cool? Yes, we do. Not going to happen. And that's our show. To prove you wrong. What are you doing? I got an 8x10 on here if you want to see that. I do. This is going to just take too long, man. You just go on Abercrombie & Fitch. You'll see me on the wall over there. It's too long. It'll take too long. I'll send it to you. Give me your email. Sure. What's your fan-only site?

40:44RootforMeatGmail.net What's the plan, Kevin? You and I have both just... We've had a good run. We've had a good run. We've had a great run. And what do we do now? You know, there's a lot of young comics out there, a lot of young people out there coming up with great stuff. Is it time for us to fade away? What do you think the plan is now? Well, time now to fade away? No. No. We try even harder. You pull out the big guns now. Yeah, okay. But you're right. There are a lot of young comics out there. And it's... You okay? Hey, what is wrong with you? It's hard to, you know, you just do what you do.

41:21You know, I've been doing what I do for a long time. I've been doing what you do, but nothing happens.

41:28Do you know what I'm saying? Why do you keep covering up your mouth? Is that like, what are you doing? It's because I'm trying to save you embarrassment. Okay. Yeah. No, I just, I like what I'm doing. And, you know, I've gotten to that point now. That was a crazy sound he just made. Did you hear that? I was just like, the sneeze. what's going on here, buddy? I see why you need a friend. I like what I do. I'm happy with it. I'm not chasing it anymore. I think I'm pretty good. You know, I'm not pulling punches with myself. Have you had a few drinks? You just went, I think I'm pretty good. I think I'm pretty good.

42:02It just looked like you were like four drinks in. I think I'm pretty good. You're great. You're one of the greats. You're on the sidewalk. You can make fun of me. You're one of the greats. You are one of the greats. How many are there? You are the, hundreds, thousands. You are among hundreds of thousands of greats. No, you are a singular talent. You don't - What's that funny noise you just made? Sorry. I'm trying to say something I don't believe and it's getting stuck in my throat. Is that a motorcycle or anything? I'm trying to say something that I don't have conviction about. You don't do political comedy.

42:35You don't lean on the culture. You just get up there and you talk. You have fantastic, brilliant jokes. You're one of my favorite humorists of all time. You really are. You're great. Thank you. I believe that. And I believe that you are a unique voice and you've never compromised. You know? I mean, occasionally in some advertisement or something. But in your work, in your stand-up, you've never compromised. And I think that's rare. Very rare. And I have great respect for you. Appreciate that. Yeah. Now let me tell you a joke I just wrote. Okay. This is where I think it might be getting a little hacky.

43:10Okay. I was in Phoenix last week. I've flown in. I got there. It was a long time to get there because of the cancellation stuff. And I'm going to my hotel room and I'm starving. I'm exhausted. And I see the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, oh, good. It's a microwave. So I put a frozen Mac in there. I locked it up for six to eight minutes.

43:30You just thought of that? No, I thought about it before and I've honed it down. So you thought of it for, when did you think of it? How long ago? This is important. Like five days ago. Okay. I haven't stopped working on it. I finally fine-tuned it. Yeah. Let me say it again. Because you weren't paying attention. So I was really exhausted. You were tired. And I was hungry. And I come into the hotel room and I notice there's a safe off to my peripheral vision. And I go, oh, good. So I locked up a frozen mac and cheese in there for six to eight minutes.

44:02And I left it in there. And so the next people came in. The woman put her necklace in the safe into the frozen mac and cheese. Period.

44:18this is a new thing you're on to period and then they let the audience know you let the audience know that the joke has been told it's instead of and seen and seen period i i like it i like it let's look at the picture again do you crack yourself up a lot when you think of these things i find myself pretty funny does your wife think you're funny Yes. Yeah. Yes. People, um, it's so condescending, but people are always saying, if Liza laughs at anything I say, they act amazed. But how do you reciprocate with what she does? What, what, what are you, what is she missing from you? I don't know. I haven't thought about that.

45:00That's a really good question. Maybe you should think about other people besides yourself. That's a good point. But I mean, you love her for a lot of things. No. But you don't show it. Again, it comes back to you being too insensitive to show your feelings.

45:15let me finish let me finish i think bill burr's right you just said when did you you just said he said that on my hike yeah he said with kevin yeah he said it and did you hear what he just said oh fourth plug that was the last one you said four that's the fourth plug yeah you said i got it four yeah i didn't think you'd get there that's incredible oh i'm gonna get to six before i leave okay did you see but he just breathed out but no you you have so much venom in you it comes out, but you're a lovely man. I'm going to say that you're a lovely guy. And I think you've got a big heart, but right.

45:45There's little, just little razor blades in there. Bill Burr is right. You've got these little tiny razor blades. He didn't say that to you. He said that on my hike. I know. He said it on the hike. Yeah. But I was baiting him. I was pushing his buttons to try to get some kind of a Bill Burr reaction. You took an Irish guy from Boston out into the sun. Not from Boston. You didn't. He's not from Boston. You didn't need to bait him. He's not from Boston. He's told that many times. He's from the suburbs. Yes. And he got angry because I kept saying he's from Boston. Well, I always think that means Boston area.

46:14Don't you think that's fair? That's what I said. Wow, Matt wants no part of this podcast today. Matt's ordering from the group hub. You guys are just projecting on each other. Have you noticed? We talked about this last time. You're accusing him of those things that you might as well be pointing in a mirror. And same thing. Exactly, exactly. If I was pointing at a mirror, I'd be pointing at myself. That's why you're so angry at me. So you're saying I'm calling him out on things that are all me. Yeah. They're little razor blades in what I say. And vice versa. Yes. Yeah. So we're kind of the same guy, and that's why these are so weird.

46:43That's what he's getting to with the magnets. You're the same magnet, but you're polar opposite. Yes, this is really good. Guys, you figured it out. I'll be back in about an hour. You know what? We are, yes, that is why these are so fucking weird. These, and fantastic slash disturbing is that it's two of the same people. That's what it is. It's kind of fight clubby where you may not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Yes. You know what I mean? You don't. Well, okay. I'm confused. You were confused by that movie. I think that if we let our guards down and open ourselves to each other, we'll find out that we're really not worth much as a person.

47:25You know what I mean? Seriously. It's just, and that's why we keep that wall up because we don't want to know. I don't want to know. We don't want to accept that truth. That's true. You are me and I am you. And I've told you this a million times. I saw those words come out of Paul McCartney's mouth. You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir Paul? What are you thinking about right now? What do you have to do later today? No, I was just thinking about how this is kind of revelatory that we are the same person. And I, I told you this a million times, but it bears repeating.

47:57When I met with Lauren for the first time to maybe get a job at SNL, he asked me who was my favorite cast member. And you were pretty new, but I had seen you do some things on Update. And I said, I like Kevin Nealon. and um lauren kind of made a face like okay want another shot that question no he loved you too he loved you too i'm kidding but if i have to hear that story one more time it's gonna drive me crazy but i get it but my point is i think i was some guy on my couch in late 1987 in my early 20s looking at someone on TV and I think I saw something that was in me. That's why I liked you.

48:41And now you and I are both sick in the exact same way. It's fascinating. You guys both want each other to root for yourself. Yes. I want. And you know what? That's because I want to root for me. Yeah, exactly. This is fascinating. We are through the looking glass. This is incredible. I want you to root for me because I want to root for me instead of hating me. And that's why you can't finish a sentence with me and all of your, you know, okay. Have you had spam lately?

49:13We're not completely alike. There are some crucial differences. This blew a hole in my theory just now. No, I agree with you. I had spam at summer camp. At summer camp, they used to cut off slices of ham and put it in a skillet when I was up there in the woods in New Hampshire and fry it up. And I remember looking at the spam cooking and then looking at my red freckled arm and thinking those look the same. Seriously. That's a real memory. Did they put brown sugar in it? Because that helps with anything. My father used to cook everything with brown sugar. Spam, bacon. It's amazing. I thought I had just cracked this elemental thing.

49:50If you had been in the room with Einstein when he was sitting there at the patent office and he said, wait a minute, maybe E equals MC squared and maybe everything is relative and the speed of light, you would have cut him off. You would have cut him off and said, do you really think a bidet works? A bidet. Do like a Japanese toilet. Do you think those really work? I mean, isn't the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the work? What did I say? Did I say equals, wait, what was it? I forget now. What about spam? You ever have spam? Ever have spam? Did it look like you're on it?

50:25No, because whenever we go on a hike together and we're doing my little hike on YouTube, hiking with Kevin, you are always like looking at it like You're so like, this is all so ridiculous. This whole notion of hiking and talking to somebody and the drone. It's just, what am I doing here? Okay, let's go. When I did the second hiking with Kevin, you had this drone. You devoted so much time to getting these drone shots that are the most unimpressive drone shots you'll ever see. They're taken from ladder height. If we had brought a ladder, we would get the same shot. And you kept having this thing go up.

51:01I think you have separation anxiety from your drone. You wanted it only to be like two feet away from us at all times. And you spent forever fucking around with the drone and then packing it up and putting it back in its little backpack and you would go along and then you'd release it again, but not too high, just up to here. And you'd get - Bill Burr loved the drone. He loved the drone, man. He's a suburban guy. Nothing bad to say about the drone. You really found it ridiculous, but yet you never say no to me. No, I don't. And I do love you for that. You know why? Because I do love you. And I do feel bad.

51:32And I do love myself then. I do feel badly, uh, sometimes asking you for things. No, you don't. I do. Cause I'm thinking, when is he going to say no? When is he going to say no? I, I'm, I am a sucker for this guy. I'll do anything that you'll do. Really? Cause I got a couple of, uh, asks for you coming up. Yeah. Um, kevineelandart.com. No, I'm not going to, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be one of those people who just plugs things from, for the rest of this thing. Let's just talk about what about you? You were on my show and we were having what I thought was a real conversation and then I asked you about your health and you started to talk about yeah well I had AFib and I'm like oh that's really rough and he was like yeah yeah yeah and this is on the talk show and then you said yeah but you know so you gotta you know maybe sure that you get the medicine and just and then you looked into camera away from me and said just check with your doctor make sure it's the right medicine for you and I felt this chill go through my spine and I went okay Hey, Kevin, you and everybody, band plays.

52:28I said, what the hell was that? And you went, well, if I don't say that part, I don't get paid. And I went, what? What? You did a commercial and you worked it into our conversation. That was part of the deal I made. I don't care about your deal. I had to do what? I was asking you about your health. And then you look into a camera and say, just make sure it's the right medication for you. No, I said, check with your doctor first to make sure it's the right medication for you. Oh, sorry, I butchered. Well, I said - I worked on that line for a long time. so here's the thing it was such a weird sad moment for me i'm just gonna start talking i don't even know you're gonna at the end of this you're gonna look to camera and say just make if you lack sincerity just make sure you take sincero now and the pharma company said you know in your contract you have to do one late night talk show or any kind of talk you never told me this you could have said something that's none of your business you were a guest on my show i was a guest you're a friend of mine i'm the guest you should treat the guest by the end i'm gonna do this thing for a pharmaceutical company, I would have helped you out.

53:23I would have said like, wow, you look much better. What's different in your life? Well, now I'm on Jabba Diabdo. Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew you could handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself. It was creepy. It was creepy. Well, that's creepy to you. It was a betrayal. People loved it. They loved that information. This audience did stand and cheer. And they went, we will check with our doctor to make sure it's the right medication for us. They did. I'll never forget that. They did, actually. And they said, check with doctor, check with doctor. and they lifted you up on their shoulders and they took you out.

53:54Check with doctor, check with doctor, check with doctor, check with doctor. Made a lot of money from that. Okay, great. No thanks to you. Yeah, little heads up next time. Okay. I'm sorry about that. I'm going to wrap this up because you're a terrible person, and I'm talking to myself now, not to you. Do you want to recap anything? Yeah. You screwed me up with McCartney. You completely screwed me over on the talk show when you did an ad for some a-fib medication without telling me first. And it was weird and a chill went up my spine. But you always send me back after that. I have a suspicion that you're not going to give me that painting, that you're going to take it and sell it on screwafriendover.net.

54:40KevinNeilandHart.com. You're right. That was a really, really disgusting and self-promotional thing. But you know what? It made my life better. I know you're rooting for me. I have to be better. Right? I mean, you can't disclaim that. But yeah, I mean, I think the major thing that, well, I don't want to recap all the plugs I did. No, you don't need to. But you do have to see my special. Yeah. I think you're going to like it. And I will. And I'll see it clearly. Because I'm using a new medication. It's called Zabadab Habitin. I care about you. I think you're one of the greats. One of. Some other greats.

55:23We're not going to get into that. Next time I come, can we please just talk like we're normal people? Not going to happen. Kevin Nealon. Because I'm getting to the point now where. Wrapping it up. I really can't have a conversation with you and learn anything about you. It's just like total darts in the eyes. Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. You're a good guy. I appreciate any time I'm able to be on your show. Thank you, Kevin. Whether it's your late night talk show or this or the Oscars. Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin. Good to be here. You take care.

56:06Well, Father's Day is coming up. Hint, hint. June 21st. Wow. We're not your children. What? My children are not getting me anything. So it's up to you guys to get me Father's Day. They have never bought into Father's Day, but you guys are going to. You're my employees and you have to. Well, guess what? Luckily, Macy's has a wide range of options, the expertise to help you find the perfect gift. Macy's is the answer for Father's Day. David, as my sort of surrogate son. Okay, aw, that's nice. The son that I hired to buy me things. Exactly. I hope that you're prepared for this Father's Day, and I hope you've consulted Macy's.

56:48Oh, I sure I have done both of those things. First. Oh, there you go. You love a pun. We got you a shirt that says The Grill Father. I love that shirt because you know what? I love the Godfather movies, and I love grilling, and they've combined them with The Grill Father. And are you ready to combine it even more? Let's see the next gift. Ooh. A ninja indoor grill. Can I say something? That looks really good. It does. So happy Father's Day from us and Macy's. You know what? I want to say thank you. Those are cool gifts. I love it. Thank you, Macy's. Macy's makes it easy to take something your dad already loves, make it feel new again.

57:21Same vibe, better version. The kind of gift he'll actually use and appreciate no matter what kind of dad he is. Check out Macy's online gift guide for more ideas at macy's.com slash gift guide. The Disney Plus, Hulu, HBO Max Bundle. The best in entertainment in one bundle. This month, stream Pixar's blockbuster family hit, Hoppers, on Disney+. The hit horror comedy, Send Help on Hulu. And season three of the HBO original series, House of the Dragon, on HBO Max. Get the Disney +, Hulu, HBO Max Bundle today. All of these and more streaming soon. Available with Disney+. Hulu, Max Bundle plans starting at$19.99 a month.

58:07Terms apply. Visit DisneyPlusHuluMaxBundle.com for details.

58:18Okay, we're back on this subject, and you were about to find out from Sona what she would do if she didn't have this job. Listen, I have great admiration for you, but I'm just wondering, what would you do? Seriously, let's be honest. I know what I would do. What? Because I think about this. I would work at Costco. Why is everyone laughing? Hold on. hold the phone i'm listening i'm not laughing costco is one of my favorite places in the whole world i love going there and everyone who works there is kind of cool and all you know you like check things and you have to put it in the carts the right way and there's no bagging and you do the bb beeps and everyone's happy most of the people there are happy because they're getting like a lot of stuff for a good deal yeah so i would and i think that they it's a good company they have good benefits i've seriously looked at you thought about it okay so and i'm I'm not joking about this at all.

59:07I know that the customers are very happy. You get the sense that the people who work at Costco are really happy? I think so. I think they're well taken care of. I really think that the corporate structure there is - Blaine's got something. Let's go, Blaine. I was just going to say that Costco is known for having great benefits for their employees, like health benefits and stuff. Thank you. It's like a well-known thing. Thank you. I could do it too. No, and the thing is, I know you could. Yeah. I know you could. I think there'd be a couple of weeks early on where you'd be saying, I don't get it.

59:33Where's the free booze? That's true. When do I get to stay with my boss in a five-star hotel and make poo-poo and butt jokes? When do I? I mean, you know what I mean? You don't think they make poo-poo and butt jokes at Costco? I've made poo-poo and butt jokes everywhere. I think they do, and I think they do them in bulk. Okay. I have to say, in my defense, I've made poo-poo. Good one. Hey, Eduardo, good one? High five, high five. And mad respect for Eduardo. I've made poo-poo, pee-pee, butt jokes at every job I've ever worked. So I bring people down to my level. Even when you worked at the IBS clinic.

1:00:10I'm here for my IBS. Ah, pooh, pooh, pee-pee. Ah, pooh, pooh, pee-pee. Why? Please stop it. Stop it. I just came here to leave a sample for the doctor. Hee, hee, hee, pooh, pee-pee. Pooh, pee-pee. Ah. Sample. There's poo-poo in there. Yeah, of course. It's funny. It's funny. And then you chase them out of the parking lot with their sample. Ha, ha, ha, pooh, pee-pee. Pooh, pee-pee. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I think you would do fine at Costco. I do think it would be a period of adjustment. Hey, where are the famous people I get to meet? Yes. All that kind of stuff. Yeah, exactly. Is that not part of it?

1:00:43No. Is that not part of the job? That's cool. Do I get to fly in a class higher than economy? Like when I used to use your credit card and buy myself tickets? No, all that stuff is gone. Gone, gone. Okay, well, that's, so I think I need to rethink it. And rethink it. Rethink it, yeah. Um, yeah, no, no, I, but I do think I, I know you're incredibly practical and you, you're completely self-made. No one ever offered you anything and you made yourself. And so I know that you would do okay. And now the, I, is it what you want to do or realistically have to do? You know what I mean? I think it's, um, what I'm talking about is you've got to put food on the table.

1:01:25You're going to have two kids. Okay. Um, they're crying. These are really young kids. and I'm going to say your wife cannot help in any way. You need to make some money. I guess I would just go back to teaching. I'd full-time teach. And what was the subject? I taught theater for 25 years. I'm going to take that away from you and say it can't be that. Because it's performing arts? Yeah, it can't be anything to do with performing arts. It has to be something practical, something... Then I think I would do like interior design consultation, but not like decorating, but like remodeling. But you're good with woodwork and things like that, aren't you?

1:02:00Could you be a contractor? I couldn't be a contractor, no. I could be a consultant, like a design remodeling consultant. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. I just think in desperate times, you can't say, well, off to be a consultant. I know. That's why I'm thinking. So what is it? You don't get benefits with consultant work either, right? I've always had to manage benefits on my own because I've always just kind of worked gig style, you know? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Seriously, what do you think? I can't be anything to do with. Be honest. what could i do i i'm gonna i i was and i don't say teacher or anything i know but i was thinking the same thing girls was which is teacher but i also can i be serious for a sec i think you'd be a really great politician maybe a local politician because you're very likable you're funny and you're also very smart and i think you're charismatic and i think you would you know you'd be like you'd be like hey guys i'm on the city council um and then you would you're not easily corruptible you'd be one of the good ones.

1:02:57So I think you'd be a good politician. Yeah, I think so too. But can you go out and get a job quickly as a politician? That's the tough thing with this. That's why I'm thinking about, I'm just thinking about, oh, it's the depression. Yeah. Your business has completely gone away. The robots have taken over. There's smoldering ruins. I got to go out. Then I would just do construction work. I would just go join a firm and just help build houses or something. I guess, I mean, one thing I could do is model. Oh, is that where this was heading all along? No, no, I just thought of it. No, no, no, that's not where this is heading.

1:03:31You planted this whole thing. No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not. I just thought of it this moment, but I am. No way. Wait, why do you say no way? I have very sharp cheekbones. You have no ass. You're incredibly male. You're the only one who is looking at male models in a catalog who are showing you like glasses and saying, where's their ass? I don't see their ass. Also, models are not supposed to have huge asses because they're supposed to show the clothes. More from Blay, by the way. Yeah, show the clothes. Long legs. Long legs. I have very long legs. Walking down the runway. Can you walk down a road?

1:04:04Can you do a runway walk? I could do like a funny runway walk. Yeah, but that's not what you're supposed to do. You can't be serious. I would take the attention off the clothes. If there's a camera pointed at you and they say, give us a smoldering look. Can you do it? Do it. Do it. Do it. Okay, see? You can't do it. You can't do it. Hey, Conan, be sexy. Be sexy, Conan. Be sexy. Show us sexy. Give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, Conan. Give us a bad... I'll get you real good in the bedroom. I'll really tell you something. No, be serious. Just be serious. Talk dirty. I'm going to put jelly on my chest.

1:04:48Be sporty. Be sporty. Be sporty. Athletic. Sporty? Is that sporty? Is that a sport? All right. Now your model that you're with, act like you want her. Act like you really just want her. You want to have sex with her. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

1:05:08Bow tie. Oh, no.

1:05:20Put on my glasses, windshield wipers. Steam. Hair spins around. Oh my God. So if you lose this job, you'll just be institutionalized. Yes. I will be immediately institutionalized, but I'll make money because people will come and study me. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we cracked it. We all know where we're going. You're going to Costco. Yeah, baby. You're going to a local construction site. I will be institutionalized. Because I'm criminally insane. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow.

1:06:07Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:06:15Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:06:51And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:07:06This episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend is brought to you by six all-new McCafe drinks at McDonald's. McDonald's. You're a McDonald's lover, Sona. I know that. Love my Mickey D's, baby. Many times you and I would be in the car together and you would say, let's hit McDonald's. I'm talking six new all McCafe drinks. Did you know that? Six. Crafted sodas made with your favorite sodas and topped with velvety cold foam, like a Sprite Berry Blast made with Sprite and blue raspberry syrup. Don't miss the dirty Dr. Pepper and Orange Dream 2. And there are refreshers made with fruit flavors and add-ins like popping boba and freeze-dried dragon fruit.

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