Leslie Jones Returns

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28:33Is this true? At one point growing up, you wanted to be a detective. Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder. Oh, someone who hunts down. No, my title is Serial Killer Finder. So when I show up on the scene. Well, there's no improving on that name. Hey, I'm Serial Killer Finder. Give me the clues. Yeah. Criminal justice was my minor. Yep. And I loved all the classes. and I was like, oh, because you know, everybody in my family's in, you know, police or my aunt's drug enforcement agency. This is around you and you're like, I want to be part of this. I'm going to, you know, and it was interesting.

29:08And I always solved all of the, you know, SVU cases. I solved them all. And I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun and I didn't, I didn't like it. So I told him, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Columbo never carries a gun. Right. And they were like, you're an idiot. Yeah. And Columbo does have a gun. Actually, I don't think Columbo has a gun. He has a raincoat. Does he have a gun? He had a little, like the little, what's that little black gun with a revolver? Oh, 38 special. Yeah, the little 38 that he would pull out. I never saw it.

29:45I think so. And they was like, he was a policeman. He had a gun. You're an idiot. So then that's when everybody knew that I probably should go to be the comedian. It's the only next step. I don't think I can be in law enforcement. I have to be a comedian. But I love crime. I love solving it. Yeah. I love solving it. And I think I would be a really, like I talked to, well, her name is Mariska, but I call her Olivia. And she's always going to be Olivia to me. And I'd be like, Olivia. And she'd be like, Mariska. And I'd be like, Olivia. And she'd be like, Mariska. I'm not going to call you that. Okay, what do you want?

30:24I want to be on the show. Oh. Mariska Hargitay. You want to be on the show. But I don't want to be a policeman. I want to be a criminal because I know how to think like a criminal. And I want to be. You should do that. Yeah. But I want to be like a really shitty person. Like I laugh when they be like, you know, two women died because. Did they? They didn't do what I told them to do. That's incredible. No, but what. This is just a yes. I would say this is like, okay. Yeah. Let's make that happen. Why not? I don't think people think of me for stuff like that because they go, oh, she's a comedian.

31:01She does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. But I've always wanted to play a serial killer. Do you know serial killers have like the so-and-so killer? What would be your method? You want to know? Yeah. Oh, my God. Seriously, I wrote a whole thing about it. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, like, I'm so traumatized about men. But I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and save people and stuff. so the twisted mind of me you know I'm pretty sure okay the way that I wrote the story I go to jail and anyway anyway the way that I would do it is I would find like men who are mistreating their women and then I would kidnap them and then you know because no one gives a fuck about them that's why they're being such pieces of shit and I would kidnap them and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof and I would just torture them and until they beg me to kill them.

31:57So then when they say, just kill me, I'll be like, he's asking. It's a mercy kill. So I have to help him. And you're the mercy killer? And I fucking kill that motherfucker. Yeah. But I beat his ass. Like he beats his women. I beat his ass. Like I make him pee on this, all this shit. Until he gets to the point where he's like, I'm sorry. Just kill me, alright? and then I'd be like I've been waiting for you to say that yeah what was that at the end did you whip him with a cat what was that that was

32:33is it a sword that was the knife and then it was the sound effect of the music that plays oh okay I thought you would if it finally came down to it you grabbed a cat by the tail no the cat ain't got shit to do with him cats creeping around I don't know uh so he's my partner the he's got one chore to do which is be handy when it's time to kill the guy let me know when the police is coming so um okay you've just pitched this right now now i am willing to direct this i'm willing to yeah i'd be willing to direct it um and also help write it you know i was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little bit uh but i would be happy to throw you know what i want you to be what the sheriff okay and i don't I don't approve of your methods.

33:21No, you're trying to catch me. I'm trying to catch you, yeah. Yeah, but you date. Okay. And I'm like, oh, I want to get my fists in those titties. I'm the Irish sheriff. You have to have the Irish accent. Yeah. There's no way I'll do this movie without you. So what happened to that fella who was abusing the lady? Has he been gone missing? Yeah, so you're doing the case, and that's how I'm involving myself in the case. I started dating you. and you're like, you know, all these missing people and stuff, oh wow, do they have any clues? And then what do you say? I say, oh no, they've got a couple of clues but not much, not much that leads to anybody in particular, no, I don't think so and by the way, is it okay if we move into the shade?

34:04It's a it's a little hot right now Yes, yes, my little cranberry Thank you By the way, sorry I took a swing at your titties last night It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman put on his little boxing gloves and go after the boobies. But check this out. So then you catch me. Right. I catch you. No, you catch me. Well, you kind of accidentally catch me. Right. Right. I walk in. No, you don't walk in. You leave the house. Right. And then you hear something and you go around and you catch me dragging. You don't catch me. You see it. Yeah. You see it happen. I see it happen. I'm watching through the bushes and I see you dragging the guy's body.

34:44And then you try to confront me and then I take your ass. Okay. But I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture. And then I explain to you why I'm doing this. I confront you and I go, I just saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, what a pity. It's a shame. I loved you so and we've got a fantastic sex life. Oh, what a pity. Jesus. Oh, God. But now I've got to be taking you in. So how do you overpower? Do you overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's going to take you in. I got to take it in. It's me job. I got to take it out. It's real hard to overpower you. I got to put you in the old, in the old paddy wagon.

35:26What's the opposite of an Emmy nomination? I put an infrared light on you and blind you. Ah, me papers. They're so sensitive to light. I can't see. And then you, you drag me and then you. I figure out that you, you know. Yep. So, you know, you kick it in with me one night and I drug you and then... Oh, I'm feeling sleepy. Oh, I'm in the arms of Morpheus. Oh, here I go. Green hearts, yellow clovers. So... Yellow moons. That's how we... When I snore, little colored marshmallows come out my mouth. Ah, green hearts, yellow clovers. Ah, you two and brown on the edge. I just so anyway I love this this is a show I make you watch and I explain to you really logically what my and you're like you're fucking psychopath yeah but maybe I'm turned on by it no you're trying to talk me off you're like not Leslie but whoever the character's name is you're not talking reasonably you're losing your mind you know cause something happened to me when I was younger you know like I wouldn't the story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive and my mother ended up committing suicide because of the abuse.

36:48And then I was trying to protect my sister one day because he went after her. And we're fighting and she falls down the stairs. And I think that he kills her. So I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell down the stairs, she didn't die. She just got paralyzed. She ends up turning the big house into like a nursery, like a greenery nursery. And then, you know, she's visiting me in jail and stuff. And then I get out of jail. she tells me you know I can't go downstairs because of my wheelchair you can have the whole basement and then I go to a she tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beating on this girl and I just meet him in the bathroom what's the name of the show it's not a show it's a movie a movie but what's the name of it sister sister okay wait a minute you led me down the primrose path we need to workshop that I think.

37:42Sister, sister. Are you Tia and Tamara?

37:50Is there a character named Roger? That's... Jack A comes in and every... So Jack A's in this? Well, now we gotta go get Jack A. This is gonna cost money. People don't come cheap. Fuck. Okay, you... Oh my God, I love laughing like that, man. You just ruined our lives. Oh my God. We can workshop that title. I don't know. I don't know what to do with you, Leslie. I so admire you. Just love me. Conan, what would you say if you said, I, Conan O 'Brien, and then that blank thing with friends with Leslie Jones? Oh, yeah. I feel like I won the lottery that I'm friends with. That's what I would say. You're so lost.

38:32You are so freaking funny. Thank you. We always have a blast. We always have a good time. I get it. You want to kick the shit out of me. Most people do, but it's great chemistry. I don't want to kick the shit out of you I just want to put you verbally and I feel bad about that that's no case for the longest I was like Conan hates me because every time he sees me I give him such shit and he'd just be standing there like what the fuck are you doing that's not true I always love it I always love it I bet she's like she's so mean why would I have you here to owner Brian and needs a friend and have to sit across from you and invite it.

39:15I got my publicist to call him. I was like, please call. Do you know, Conan, can you please text him or call him and tell him that I don't, because you were hosting the Oscars or something, which I thought you did so good. I actually thought you really did good. And I was like, can you tell him that I don't hate him? Oh. But I always, I mean, I never took it that way. I always, most of the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. I enjoy that. But you're funny too, though. Oh, I know. Why don't you go tell Messi he's a pretty good soccer player.

39:52I mean, I'm sorry. Who's Messi? Lionel Messi, the Argentinian. Why are you saying he? He's making a ridiculous comparison. Not at all. Not at all. I am the World Cup winner of the chuckle getters. The chuckle getters? Yeah, that's the crowd tradition I'm in. The chuckle getters. I'm not a comedian. What is happening right now? Are you having a stroke? Is this what happens? Y 'all just entertain this bullshit? You are fucking delusional, buddy. Not at all. Thank you. Not at all. Oh, God. Oh, my God. You is a fool. I'm a fool. You are. I'm just made of 100 % foolishness. You really are. Let's talk about Kenan Thompson for a second.

40:44Oh, my baby. That's my heart. Because you, I love Kenan, and he's been on that show, I think, since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term, and he's still there, but I've always thought, what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. and then I was reading, you said somewhere, you think if Keenan leaves, the whole thing is going to go apart because he's like, and I thought, yeah, I think you're right. Well, I mean, you know, SNL is an institution. It will always go on. I just don't think it would be the same, I think, without Keenan. But we thought that about Seth Meyers too and we thought that about Jimmy Fallon.

41:23We thought that about a lot of people that came. But Keenan is just like, first of all, let me just say, Kenan, when my brother passed away, me and my brother didn't have the best relationship. But when I met Kenan, Kenan literally automatically became my brother. Like he became the nicest version of what my brother was. Like my brother could be what Kenan was, if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself. And very, what do you call it when someone comes around and just automatically gets respect? I don't know. like he's just very respectful yeah so when people when he comes around it's like you know you know he's just well you know the thing the word i think of with him is it's like he's grounding somehow like he's yes he's very he's very comfortable being himself you know it's a waste of time to say he's funny because that's a given he's really funny but he's always he's like a quiet grounding presence oh my god you would not believe how many times kenan has had to ground me yeah yeah i mean i he would be laughing at me because i would be so frustrated i can't understand that and ken would just be like man i don't know why you let that bother you yeah that don't got nothing to do with you just come to work come to work do your work leave work yeah and he just knows how to put everything in the place and that's another thing too and this isn't a diss on SNL, but it isn't always the healthiest place.

42:55It's not. It really isn't. You have to be a samurai mentally. Yeah. And it, it does a number. And I've seen very, I don't, Kenan's one of the few people I've seen be at that show for a long time, always have a positive impact, always be a star, always be a star player, but you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him. It's not. And that's the thing. He knows how to put it in his place. He never let it get out of the place that it was. He would just, he was like, you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job. He was like, anything. Leave that shit here.

43:32He was like, these people gonna do what they wanna do. Just be you. Be you. Care about you. And I didn't get it until I got ready to leave, you know, but yeah, he's incredible. An incredible human. Incredible father. He loves his kids. Great father. Great man. It's funny because you're in that same category for me as someone who always knows you always know exactly who you are. Well, I think a lot, though, Conan, you know, I mean, thank God they got me at 47. Yeah, I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s. It's so funny because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you.

44:10Right. And and you. Oh, I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. In my 20s and 30s, I would have fucked you. I wouldn't have cared if you had a girlfriend, whatever. I'd have been like, let's go hook up. So where were you then? How come we didn't... Where were you living? How were they doing on that time machine technology? Because you definitely would have got some pussy from Leslie. You're short-circuiting. No. It feels like he's disappearing. Like he's fading back into... He is. Just thinking about that time machine technology. That's the meanest thing someone can, oh, I'd have fucked you back then.

45:00Wait, when? Where were you? How would I have located you? I can't fuck you now. You're married. Your wife would hate me. She might say, take him. She might be like, can you take him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was wild. I was wild. Okay. I was still doing comedy and stuff. Were you happy? Oh, yeah. That's a good description. In and out, like a storm system. I was living my life, and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of myself as a human. People don't understand that that's a real thing. When you're in your 20s and stuff, you don't even see yourself as a grown-up because you're coming out of living with your parents or whatever.

45:45So you got to start learning how to be who you are and your body and what you like, what you like to eat, what you like to do for fun. And I had fun. I had fun. I had my crushes. I had my horror phase. I had it all. I tried it. I tried it. I just like it real happy. Because it's like when I when I am on my deathbed, I'm going to be able to go. I'm so glad I fucked that dude. Yeah.

46:17And then you wake up 10 minutes later. Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, fuck, that's gonna fuck Conan. God damn it. God damn it. I'll be your cranberry. You're the one that got away. I'm the one that got away. Well, okay, so... Sorry, so sexual. No, no, but you... I'm bringing out a people.

46:38But... We had... You really do. I really do. You put it back in. You really do. I put it back in. You really do. I go into people and eradicate it. That's so funny. But like I said, I had to learn that shit. And man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took because it made me not only a better person, it makes me a better comic. Yep. And I tell everybody this all the time. Please just go through the fire. Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire out. Just go through it. You become such a warrior. Just live your life. Go through that bad shit. Don't avoid it. Be your own best friend. You know what I'm saying?

47:20Not a fucking asshole. If you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were an asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. It's okay. You go to sleep with yourself. You wake up with yourself. You eat with yourself. You better start fucking liking yourself. And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain. You really want to go out and like, like ever since I've done what I've done to get to where I am, every time I see people, if they're down, I'm like, I'm always like, come on, come through this. Come on. You're so everyone.

47:55This is a problem too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person, that they're just like the run of the mill, that could stop so many problems. You're not. You're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you. No one's like you. No one's like no one in this room. You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else. Like, that's not your mission. Your mission is to be you because whatever is in you that's been put in you is supposed to help the equation of this community.

48:34And that's what we forgot. Community. Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic and we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame you're not doing that because it's so much self-hate. And I'm going to tell everybody right now, the way to beat what's going on right now, all this hate is very proven. The only way it's going to be beaten is by love. Love can only be hate. Hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'm telling you right now, you're going to have to go into yourself. Just go into yourself, find that negative and positive button and just click it on because only you can do it.

49:10And it's not the easiest thing because once you click it on, you're going to be tested. But go through the tests. Go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're special. That's, well, do we have an applause button? That's insane. No, but what I'm saying, hold on, hold on. That was beautiful and perfect. One of the things that really resonates with me that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said. I believe everything that you're talking about, I wouldn't have understood it in my 20s. Me neither. I don't think I would have understood it in my 30s. When I look at my life, we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine.

49:52but at my age I'm happier now than I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit and I really have that perspective now yes and when things are happening now I tend to look around and go huh well this is interesting um and it's having a joy during the chaos yeah yeah you gotta keep a constant joy and you gotta seek joy you can't wait for it to come to you you gotta seek it and want it and hold it and it makes you like you said, the chaos can be going on and you'll be like, this is crazy. Yeah. This is crazy. Like, I hadn't gotten to the point of my life where when things happen, I'd be like, all right.

50:32So what do we do? We can do this. But I'm not at the point where, oh, my God, my life. I auditioned for Last Comic Standing and they didn't pick me. Conan, for three days, I was in my bed crying. Yeah. Could not understand. I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, God damn it, you wasted three days of sunshine and wonderfulness over that. But, you know, hindsight 2020. I used to, and I've talked to many people about this and I've mentioned it a lot, but I used to, I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles and I'd be told no. And I would think that's it.

51:12It's over. And I look at that guy now and I think you were 27. What are you talking about? You had just developed at 25, so you're actually just two years old. Yeah. Honestly. But there are times when I'm here in L.A. and a young person's talking to me and they'll say, yeah, I'm 26. And they say it like I missed my shot. And I'm like, well, yeah, maybe if you want to be in the Olympics and you haven't started that sport yet, maybe that's a tall hill to climb. But no, you're just getting started.

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54:34It's not over until you're dead. That's what I tell people. You know what I'm saying? And you look at these young people and you want to just go, but they have to learn. They have to learn their way. But what I was saying, the hope right now, you know, we had a lot more hope, I think, in our generation. The hope now is just because everything is just so played out. All the rules are being broken. What do they call it? Balances and checks and balances. It's just fucking. Well, also just civility. It's just so awful now. And I don't know if we went through a stage of children started raising children.

55:13You know what I mean? And, you know, I just. I think the Internet is a piece of this shit. I really do think. Piece of shit. I really do think the Internet. It's very much. It's not all of it. But we were suddenly handed this. I mean, an entire history of humans that's been, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years. And then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time. And that we should pay attention to it and like it so we can make sure that they feel validated. It's dopamine. It's the worst drug that's ever been put out online.

55:53And it's available to everybody. Yeah. And again, it pushes you got to be famous to be anyone. And that's not true. That's not true. I think the two most important people in the world are the garbage men and teachers. That's what I think. I've always thought that. Who's going to take care of the garbage? But the garbage men, they are fucking very important. Let them not show up to work. We fucked. Teachers. Everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school, at some point you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers. How are they not the highest paid?

56:29what are we striving for in this country but to be try to be better than what we always was that's what the generations are right we want the generation we want to advance yeah and we advancing but we're advancing in like j cole said congratulations you came a long way but i'm so sorry you went the wrong way you know i'm saying it's like it's it's like we have we've oversaturated, we don't have no balance. We're either all the way over here or we're all the way over here. And until we learn that balance is what life is, we're going to be some miserable motherfuckers. People always go, oh, well, you know, why does this happen to me?

57:12And why is it? It rains on the just as it does the unjust. You do not miss the rain just because you're special. You got to go through sadness to know what happiness is. You don't know what success is until you're not successful. You just, you won't know the fucking difference. You got to have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes. Think of them as levels. Start playing a video game with your life. Ooh, I beat that level. Because I promise you're not going to get off that level until you beat that level. And it's like appreciation is the way, like you said, the internet has been.

57:46Listen, you should be happy you have a ragged ass car. You should be happy you have a one bed, a studio. You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night you're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen. It doesn't matter if your kitchen is right there, but you could do it. You can warm up your food. You got a car. You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more? That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a toy and they threw the toy to the side and said, I want another toy, you're going to be like, excuse me, go play with the toy I just gave you.

58:23Why would I give you something else When you just told me that that toy was shit. I'm telling everybody. It's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is supposed to happen. We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve. The change is, we're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't going to change. These was going to be the rules. This is how. And Trump is a piece of shit. But Trump did come in here and show us that our shit ain't as tight as we thought. He literally is going, he's telling everybody they're not going to do anything.

59:05They're just going to bitch. That's all they're going to do. And the Democrats are showing up to a gunfight with a piece of cake. And the old Democrats should know to just go away. just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newsom, to me, was great the way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone, and I don't know why we're scared of them. We're looking at the most obvious problem, and it's showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission and forgotten that we are the people.

59:45We're the people. We're the people. Are we going to watch this crumble down or are we going to do something? And as comedians, we're part of that too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a motherfucker because you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take you away from your problems for a little while and maybe laugh at them too. Because you leave there going, you know what? That shit ain't so bad. You know, that person that was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through too. Like, community. Get out Touch some grass Turn your fucking TV off I'm not touching grass Like no but Yeah I'm not gonna touch Some fucking grass You shouldn't touch grass No You shouldn't touch grass You shouldn't You know what I was with you the whole way You shouldn't touch grass Not you Touching grass You would literally Turn into a welt Yeah Let me mention this I'm sorry Because it's important I'm in here preaching That was good I'm so sorry That was fantastic That was healing It's not Eduardo I think you've changed Eduardo's life A thousand percent.

1:00:46I'm very inspired. People want me to be president, but I'm too hard. Just like Ted Danson asked me, he was like, yeah, but I'm going to implement. I'm going to implement. Implement? Implement. See, I can't even say implement. I'm worse than Trump. But I am going to implement volcanoes. You want volcanoes? Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano. Oh, that's what you meant. Like sacrifices? I'm not going to activate them. Not sacrifices. What are we sacrificing? I don't know. That's what people do in volcanoes. No, throw their ass in the volcano. Fuck this Death Center shit. Throw their ass in the volcano.

1:01:20So throw a couple of these motherfuckers in the volcano and see if people start showing what we got them for. What we didn't have volcanoes for. Yeah, why did we get those volcanoes? No, what are they for? Seriously, what are they for? Well, I think they're there because pressure within the earth, hot gases, needs to be expelled because of the magma, the liquid core. Of course, plate tectonics probably plays a part in it. Sure, sure, sure. So for all those reasons, I don't think that we have to throw people into volcanoes. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do. This is the debate of our times.

1:01:55I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that it's so much cheaper than the death sentence. It's true. They are existing already. And I'm just saying, we get one helicopter, get one of them little things and strap them to that, and then fly over the... Oh, you drop them like bombs. Just hoot, yeah, like hoot and televised that shit. And let me tell you something, let me tell you something, since we are throwing them in a volcano, it's gonna bless us. Okay, I think you said a lot of really beautiful, inspiring things. But you ended on your strongest point yet, which is we need to start throwing people into volcanoes.

1:02:32The return of civility. Yeah. Volcano. Volcano. Volcano. Volcano. I love that you look at it, if you look at a timeline, of your, it's like kindness, civility, we're in this together, volcano. Hey, I meant to mention this. You have a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental where you, and this is really appealing to one of your strengths, which is you can tear someone apart. I know from firsthand experience, you go into these properties, right? And you look at these properties that are not always the best. Was that a fair thing? And I say exactly what I said. It's stank in here. It's stank. Why do you have...

1:03:13There was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody want to see you. You've been to my house? What the... Why do you have a picture? By the way, that's not a picture. That's a poster. No, but I'm saying, it's in the vacation rental. I don't want to wake up to the motherfucker. He had a picture of his family. What? And I lost my shit, Conan. I had to apologize to him because he was like, oh, that's my family. I said, man, don't nobody give a fuck about your family. No. Oh my God. That's so great. So this is you, this is you going through, this is you going through and laying waste, telling them exactly what they have to do to improve their rental property.

1:03:52And then I bring in my designer, Jasmine Roth, and she renovates it. She makes it nice. Yes. And then we have, we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have. I would, I think. About their vape. Y 'all, we did a spaceship. We did a spaceship. in Joshua Tree. So someone had a place that was... A spaceship. A spaceship. Let me see if I'm getting this right. In the desert. A spaceship in the desert. In the desert, homie, where snakes and spiders is, homie. Like, and for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't see no people. So I was like, oh, vampires.

1:04:30Immediately. Yeah. Immediately vampires. And then he drove up. So I'm fussing. I'm like, this is crazy. Only white people do this. Only white people buy... Oh, yes, And Matt and I are like high-fiving each other under the table. Oh, only white people do that. And then a black guy drives up. He gets out the truck. I said, brother, what the? How are you going to buy a space? And then the white girl got out and I was like, oh. I want a spaceship. Everybody fell out. It was so funny. Well, that sounds great. That wasn't even the worst property we did. All right. You've done 11. It's a 12 episode season.

1:05:08It says you're 11. and I don't know what's going on. Maybe. You got it. Maybe that's trying to tell me something.

1:05:16Shit. But this sounds great. This sounds really great. It's so awesome. I had a horribly embarrassing, this made me think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day, but we met some people and I were chatting with them and they were talking about, you know, oh yeah, we'd love to see your house. And I said, well, it's come on in because I'm always that way. I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well and I was showing them around the house And what I forgot is that my wife, for my birthday, there was when I was doing the Oscars, someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscar.

1:05:49And my wife, just for fun, got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like a sort of a joke. And she leaned it again and she had given it to me. And I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing. And we and these people walk through and there's this picture of me. and I'm like they just think I'm the biggest asshole in the world my wife was laughing but they just thought I was insane and I just thought of that when you said who has a picture of themselves I got so many pictures of myself if I go through your house you're gonna have pictures of you you know what and I wasn't a picture person when I got to SNL I just became a picture person I was so good at it too I got so many selfies and pictures with people and so when you come in I have a billion pictures I love pictures I love friends you always say yes to pictures right?

1:06:42yes okay I do too do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers because I think of the I always say yes to selfies I never really know who the person is you know who they are? no no I don't know who they are I don't know who they are I'm just saying you know that you have a selfie with a murderer you mean just statistically statistically like it's likely statistically you've someone said oh I love you and you put your arm around them how will we find out I don't think we do well sometimes if you show me the picture I can tell you um like that's a murderer oh my god I'm telling you statistically you have you've taken a picture of the yeah because I've been to some some I've been to Texas so yeah well it's a law there you have to murder well this show sounds fantastic you are an abso-fucking delight you just really are aww thank you so much that was an all time episode that shit was stupid I don't think we got anything because we were laughing most of the time well yeah until you said some really beautiful profound things and then we got into volcanoes but that might be my favorite I think we should think about that I think that y 'all should go home My favorite was when you said, why do we have these volcanoes if not to throw people into them?

1:07:58That's what I'm saying. Listen, they didn't build these things. But I'm saying they didn't did all the other stuff it's supposed to do. It's like hot lava waiting to be used. You're right. You're right. It is. They ain't making buildings out of it. They're not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot lava around here and we ain't throwing some people in here? I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start. Do you know how awesome, do you know how great that everyone would start acting? You're right. People would go to therapy. Everybody would be like, I do not want to die in a volcano.

1:08:31I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly. But maybe that's for the good of the earth. Maybe. Conan, you wouldn't make it to the top, dude. Just the heat emulsifating. I know. You get within. You would disintegrate. Yeah, yeah. You get within like, the volcano's 25 miles away. We're almost there. You look back and you just smell I smell ham cooking You look down there's just a skeleton with a red pompadour No it's more like corned beef Yeah corned beef Leslie Jones go with God Go in peace Please come back soon And make fun of me Anytime you like Have a poke at the leprechaun Make fun of him It's for the good of all I can imagine that voice I would make you do that voice if he had sex I would so Alright I'm coming in Here I am coming I would want her to be like how do you want it baby Oh how would you like it Oh I'm here I come I'm on my way Okay sorry Having a little trouble Give me a second Where's me blue pill What's the opposite Of pornography Where's me blue pill Oh, I'm getting distracted.

1:09:51Oh, now I'm on the computer. No, I'm coming back. Pure birth control. Oh, it's birth control. I know. Oh, my God. Oh, God. This is the least. Fertility rates just dropped around. The least sensual podcast of all time. I will record it and then sell it to TMZ. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be the best thing ever. You're like, well, we're good. We're okay. Leslie, thank you so much. Thank you. This was so fun. I love you. come just make fun of me anytime and when you see me just kick the shit out of me no i can't now i have to be nice to you whenever i see you now i'm gonna just be nice to you and it's gonna piss you off every time i hate that you're gonna be like what is this conan o 'brien needs a friend with conan o 'brien sona mufsessian and matt gorley produced by me matt gorley executive produced by adam sax jeff ross and nick leo theme song by the white stripes incidental music by jimmy Vivino.

1:10:47Take it away, Jimmy.

1:10:52Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:11:27And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:11:39Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie. And one thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. Because with every fix, update, and renovation, it becomes a little more your own. So you need all your jobs done well. For nearly 30 years, Angie has helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter. From plumbing to electrical, roof repair to deck upgrades. So leave it to the pros who will get your jobs done well. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find a pro for your project at Angie.com.

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